100 Things You Might Not Know About Me

1. The first book I remember reading was The Wizard of Oz.
2. In my lifetime, I have received eight Cross pen and pencil sets as gifts.
3. I hate pen and pencil sets.
4. I can't write in longhand with anything but a Sharpie Ultra Fine Point.
5. I once gave a drowned hamster CPR.
6. The first three movies I remember seeing as a kid: The Exorcist, Suspiria, and Rosemary's Baby.
7. I still check my closets and underneath my bed for monsters.
8. The only president I've ever seen in the flesh is Gerald Ford, when I was eight.
9. The thought that ran through my head when I saw him was, "If I had a gun, I could probably shoot him from here!"
10. When I was ten, I tried to shoot my neighbor's cat with a BB gun, but I missed.
11. I can type 87 words per minute without mistakes.
12. However, I compose so slowly that it sometimes takes me an hour to write a two-paragraph e-mail.
13. In sixth grade, I created a science fair project that was so bad, even though there were only three entries from my class they decided not to give out a third place prize rather than give one to me.
14. In third grade, I did something so awful that the headmaster of my Episcopal school devoted his morning sermon to it. He became so upset that he broke down in the middle of the sermon and stormed out of the chapel.
15. When they told my mother about it, she threatened to take me down to the Red River and drown both of us rather than live with the shame.
16. No, I'm not going to tell you what I did.
17. I smoked pot in college, but stopped after watching Pink Floyd's The Wall while stoned and realizing that it made boring movies seem like they were eight hours long.
18. I am an expert at hiding, and have never been found in a game of Hide and Seek unless I wanted to be.
19. I've moved somewhere around 27 times in my life, but in only six cities.
20. I didn't meet my parents until I was three years old.
21. Until I was about nine, I thought my parents were trying to poison me. I thought they had poisoned my toothpaste, so I wouldn't swallow any when I brushed my teeth.
22. When I was four, they gave us a lecture at school on household poisons. That evening, I instructed my parents to put the Drano and bleach on a high shelf, so I wouldn't eat it.
23. In second grade, my teacher had a conference with my parents because she asked the class what we wanted to be when we grew up, and I said I wanted to work at McDonald's.
24. The first girl I ever had a crush on was Lisa, in kindergarten. My kindergarten teacher used to spank misbehaving kids, except instead of doing it herself, she would assign another student to do the deed. So, one time, after my friend David and I dug a tunnel under the playground fence, the teacher had Lisa spank the two of us. David cried, but I was like, "Wow!"
25. The family legend is that we're descended from Genghis Khan. I have my doubts about that, but it would explain my periodic impulse to invade China.
26. I have an irrational fear of bread.
27. I also have a fear of staircases where you can see through the stairs to the ground below.
28. I hate walking in the ocean because I'm afraid of stepping on a sea urchin or stonefish.
29. When I was little I used to play with black widow spiders, because I didn't know they were venomous. I would stick my finger in its web, and when it rushed out to attack me I'd pull my hand away at the last second.
30. I had a thick southern accent until I was about eight.
31. If you ever want to see my head explode, ask me to choose between sushi and Cajun food.
32. I failed Physics in 11th grade.
33. I failed Physics in 12th grade. I actually got a lower grade than the year before.
34. I took Physics again my freshman year of college, and got an A.
35. Then I failed Chemistry.
36. Anime makes me sleepy; even when it's something really good, I can't watch more than an hour of it without falling asleep.
37. I could live in hotels for the rest of my life and be extremely happy.
38. I think it's uncool to stay in a hotel and not tip the chambermaid before you leave.
39. Back in the late 80's, my mom once convinced me to perm my hair. One photo exists from that period, and I keep it around to remind me never to listen to my mother.
40. I was a kleptomaniac when I was a kid.
41. I once fell for a girl because we came out of a supermarket together and discovered we had each, unbeknownst to the other, stolen something.
41. I don't steal anymore, though, except maybe for office supplies.
42. Total value of items I've stolen in my lifetime: about $180, not including office supplies.
43. The biggest thing I ever stole was a cardboard cutout of Anthony Perkins in "Psycho III," from a movie theater in Orange County.
44. The weirdest thing I ever stole was an artificial leg.
45. The only thing that keeps me from pursuing a life if crime is a fear of anal rape if I ever get put in the slammer.
46. Having said that, I think anyone who steals from a small mom 'n pop store should be anally raped.
47. However, I condone any and all (nonviolent) crimes against large corporations.
48. The more I like people, the quieter I am around them. If I don't like you, I'll be super friendly and smile a lot. If I really, really like you, I'll avoid talking to you entirely.
49. I'm a good listener, and can listen to people bitch and moan for hours on end.
50. However, I'm always forgetting people's birthdays.
51. I don't really like celebrating my own birthday, because it seems self-indulgent.
52. The only time I've ever been moved to tears by a work of art is when I stepped into St. Peter's Cathedral in Rome.
53. I tend to keep people at arm's length.
54. When getting ready for work in the morning, if I do any part of it in the wrong order, I feel out of sorts for the rest of the day.
55. I used to believe people could read my thoughts, because I would think something about them and they would turn around and glance at me.
56. I talk to children, the mentally disabled, and dogs the same way that I talk to normal adults.
57. Unfortunately, I also expect them to behave like normal adults, so I get frustrated when they don't understand something I'm saying.
58. I always tell people I'm a terrible liar, but that's just to cover up the fact that I'm actually a masterful liar.
59. I'm just kidding about #58.
60. The more credentials people have, the less seriously I take them.
61. I'm a sucker for anything peach-flavored, peach colored, looks like a peach, or has peaches in it. I got into Cézanne only after seeing a painting of his that contained peaches.
62. However, I dislike peach pie.
63. I have the worst gaydar in the world. People I had no idea were gay until someone told me: Elton John, Liberace, Freddie Mercury, Charles Nelson Reilly, Boy George, the lead singer of Frankie Goes to Hollywood.
64. My lack of gaydar once placed me in an awkward situation in a pickup truck outside a house party, with a guy named Griswold.
65. I think it would be really cool to be encased in a gel, and have all your life functions sustained through tubes and wires.
66. I can never fantasize about being stranded on a deserted island, because I always wonder what I would do for toilet paper.
67. I think Armageddon was actually a kickass movie.
68. I've seen The Sound of Music over thirty times.
69. I often fear going to sleep, because it feels the way I imagine dying feels.
70. Sometimes I get mad at people for something they said or did to me in a dream.
71. Ever since Sandra joked about alligators living in the sewers, I can't pour boiling water down the sink without diluting it with cold water first.
72. I'm totally clueless about romantic signals, so a girl pretty much has to show up in my bed naked in order to convey that she likes me.
73. When I was seven, I realized there was no Santa Claus when I was snooping through my parents' stuff and found assembly instructions for the bike I'd gotten from "Santa."
74. I didn't know I was nearsighted until I was seven years old. Until then, I assumed everyone else had some sort of super-vision.
75. I once convinced a college professor to let me take his class from home because I wasn't psychologically fit to attend class in person.
76. I went to my admissions interview for Georgetown wearing an English cabbie cap and a scarf because I thought it would make me look more urbane. I didn't get in.
77. In my entrance interview for University of Chicago, I tried to convince the admissions officer to disregard my 1.7 GPA because I "really really" wanted to go to the University of Chicago. I didn't get in.
78. I once made Sandra cry by doing a George Takei impersonation.
79. I passed up an opportunity to buy a first edition of Stephen King's "The Gunslinger" for $80. Two years later, I saw it listed for $3000.
80. Once when I was depressed, I didn't leave my apartment for two weeks.
81. I have a fear of calling people, because I always imagine that I am interrupting them right in the middle of doing something really fun.
82. I drive my fellow comic geeks crazy because I treat my comics like shit and never bother to bag and board them.
83. When I was little, I spent most of my afternoons and weekends at my parents' store in downtown Shreveport. They let me roam around the streets unattended, so for many years I spent my Saturdays hanging out with winos at the corner liquor store.
84. No matter how much I hate somebody, if I see them eating I feel immediate sympathy toward them.
85. I am an ordained minister of the Universal Life Church, and can legally perform marriage ceremonies in many states.
86. I once sat on the edge of a 1,000-foot high cliff at the Grand Canyon, in order to conquer my fear of heights.
87. Groups of more than three people make me nervous.
88. I find cruelty to be the basest human trait, followed by disloyalty and ignorance.
89. Sometimes it makes me really sad to know that I'll never feel or experience things the same way as I did when I was a teenager.
90. If I could choose between eternal life and a normal life of perfect happiness, I would choose eternal life.
91. I fear intimacy.
92. The mere act of kneeling at a toilet causes me to vomit.
93. The scariest thing I can think of is closing your window blinds at night, and just before you close them completely you catch a glimpse of someone standing outside, looking in.
94. The second scariest thing I can think of is a closet door that is just slightly ajar.
95. And red, glowing eyes staring out at you from inside.
96. I find it difficult to relate to emotions that don't exist in movies or TV shows.
97. When I was 16 I had a huge crush on Anne Frank.
98. Sometimes I have lucid dreams, where I realize that I'm dreaming but don't wake up. They're great because you can do anything you want in them. Usually in these dreams I create huge sums of money for myself, and then get upset because I can't take the cash out into the real world.
99. Cream style corn. Cold. Sheer heaven.
100. When I die, I'd like a "sky burial," a Tibetan Buddist ceremony where the deceased's body is hacked up and fed to vultures. Failing that, I'd like the headstone of my grave to be a big mirror. I think that would be freaky.



 
Home / Blogs / Dear God Damn Diary :: 2003
 

War: What Is It Good For? Besides Ridding the World of Brutal Dictators, That Is?
04/04/2003 10:15:14 PM

First off, let me make one thing clear: I'm a Liberal Democrat. I'm far enough to the left to view groups like PETA and Earth First! as clear-eyed, rational thinkers. (Even more so after I've had a few organic microbrews.) The only thing that kept me from voting for Ralph Nader in the last election was the fact that doing so would have handed the election to the Republicans and transformed America into a stinking abyss of ultra-right-wing capitalist excesses and environmental and civil rights abuses that would make fascist Italy look like a vegan commune. Other than that, though, Nader seemed like a strong candidate.

So, as a confirmed leftie, I ought to be joining hands with my fellow lefties who are opposing the war in Iraq. Part of me really wants to be out there carrying "No Blood for Oil" signs and getting pelted in the face with rubber bullets. Or at least, standing behind someone getting pelted in the face with rubber bullets. But I'm not, and as a result I've had to do a lot of soul searching, trying to figure out why I'm not out there on the front lines of the "peace offensive." As far as I can figure, it comes down to a single point that I just can't seem to explain away:

Saddam Hussein is a monster who brutalizes a helpless people trapped in his viselike totalitarian grip.

I know -- crazy, right? Since when is that any justification for war? I mean, war means killing people, dropping bombs, causing human suffering -- it's anti-humanitarian! So what if Saddam tortures people with acid pits and has women raped in front of the horrified eyes of their husbands and fathers? War is bad! It's against human rights and stuff!

Just imagine if we'd avoided invading Nazi Germany in the 40's, and gone the diplomatic route i
nstead. Rather than killing thousands of innocent civilians, we could have appealed to Adolf Hitler's sanity and compassion -- after all, don't fascist dictators have families, too?

Besides, war is bad! If we'd tried to make friends with the Nazis and Fascist Italy and Imperial Japan instead of making war on them, we would have avoided the decades of animosity and bitter hatred that resulted. After all, war only creates enemies, as the numerous vicious attacks over the years by Japanese and Italian terrorists has clearly shown.

And look at all the trouble we avoided by making peace with Josef Stalin instead of getting all up in his face!

Still, I can't get over this feeling that systematic torture, rape, and murder are wrong and should be stopped by any means necessary. Call me a bleeding heart, but when I see a nation being crushed beneath the bootheel of a sadistic madman, my first nutty impulse is to try and stop that madman from crushing that nation. Sure, at first I'll be all, "Hey man, that's so not cool!" And most of the time, the madman looks embarrassed and backs down. But sometimes he just acts like he didn't hear me, and that makes me mad.

Why can't these madmen realize that sadistic despotism is bad for children and little things? No means no, Saddam!

So, I'm a liberal who's for the war. Which makes me a lonely liberal indeed. But thank God I'm not alone. Believe me, I hate the idea of agreeing with Dubya about anything, but heck, even a broken clock is right twice a day, right? Unless it's a digital clock with AM/PM settings, in which case it's more like once a day, or in the case of my bedside alarm clock, not at all.

Anyway, even though war is bad and stuff, I think there may be some things that are worse.

What's worse than war, you say? Well, aside from any TV program starring John Stamos, I'd say that the aforementioned systematic torture is pretty far up there, atrocity-wise.

So, I'm gonna go with the whole "let's get rid of the brutal dictator and restore freedom to an oppressed people" thing for now, and after this is all over I'll get back to the "fur is murder" thing.

 

Ten Ways to Repair Your Relationship With Friends You've Alienated With Your Extreme War Views
04/09/2003 05:32:28 AM

1. Exchange "I'm Sorry I Called You a War-Mongering Pig" and "I'm Sorry I Called You a Cowardly Surrender Monkey" greeting cards.

2. Team up and beat the shit out of your mutual friends from your own respective political parties who opposed your views on the war.

3. Pretend you didn't realize you were arguing about Iraq; instead, thought you were debating the merits of Kid Rock.

4. Agree that at least one good thing has come of this war -- hours of hilarious footage of that Iraqi Information minister claiming that "there are no Americans anywhere near Baghdad" while standing on a rooftop surrounded by smoke and sirens.

5. Pro-war: admit that maybe the war was a little bit about oil, after all. Anti-war: admit that you're secretly kind of happy that gas prices are finally coming down.

6. Agree on another benefit of the war -- endless cable TV war footage provided welcome distraction from the accelerating deterioration of the economy and skyrocketing unemployment.

7. Agree that the new Vin Diesel film A Man Apart is a far greater atrocity than anything perpetrated upon Baghdad.

8. Forget past differences and enjoy your shared relief that, after weeks of suffering and pain, there is finally an end to Iraq-themed novelty songs on the radio.

9. Graciously admit that you were wrong and that your friend was right, then whisper to yourself, "...in Bizarro Moron World, that is!"

10. Agree to avoid name-calling and cheap shots for the upcoming war in North Korea.

 

SARS Comix
04/10/2003 03:51:35 PM

 

Stellar Blue
04/10/2003 07:59:05 PM

Teets sat on the edge of his bed, rubbing his neck. What time was it? He glanced over at his alarm clock, which glared back at him in angry red digits reading 3:02.

He had been suffering from insomnia for severalweeks now. At first he had tried staying up until he felt sleepy -- advice he'd seen in some magazine -- but after days of trudging to bed, defeated and wide awake, at five in the morning, he'd given up that strategy.

Lately his insomnia had begun to swing the other way, and Teets had fallen asleep earlier, only to be awoken by 3 a.m. each night by whatever mysterious clock that dictated such events.

Teets sighed and got up. Scratched himself. Made his way in the dark to the bathroom for a desultory piss.

Coming out of the bathroom, a fleeting trick of the mind made him see Alice lying in bed; then her sleeping form resolved into shadows and the moment was gone.

Fuck. She'd been gone now for -- eight? nine months? But no -- best not to let his mind stray in her direction. The bitterness of their last, icily cordial phone conversation was still lodged in his memories, seeping into whatever nostalgic impulses he might have entertained.

To hell with Alice. To hell with the kids, a pair of dull-witted brats who'd never warmed to him the way Teets had imagined in the rosy familial fantasies of his youth.

Still in his pajamas, Teets went downstairs to the kitchen. Perhaps a warm turkey sandwich would help him get back to sleep. He flicked on the kitchen light, blinked as the harsh fluorescents kicked in.

On the kitchen counter was an opened box of the new ketchup his company had just introduced. One of the bottles lay on its side on the white formica. Heinz EZ Squirt Stellar Blue, the label read, surrounded by a garish sunburst of blue stripes. There was a little puddle of dried blue goop on the counter beneath the nozzle.

Curious, against his better judgment, Teets had sampled a spoonful of the stuff the night before. It had tasted like ketchup, he supposed, but the color seemed to alter his perceptions, giving the stuff a chemical overtone that made him grimace. It was like eating paint.

Teets leaned against the counter and stared at the blue bottle, separated from its mates in the box. He thought about the AP reporter who'd called him yesterday -- Allison, her name was. Her voice had sounded eerily similar to Alice's, but younger, softer. For some reason, the girlishness of her voice had made him intensely aware of the PR-speak he was forced to recite to her.

It's the time of year when overall sales goes up, Teets had said. There's a nice bump in volume from EZ Squirt products, but we tend to have a halo over ketchup, overall.

What the fuck had he meant? On the phone, listening to himself gibber into the handset to a woman somewhere who was no doubt grinning with derision, he'd felt like a complete jackass.

Forty-five years old, and this is what I've got, Teets thought, shaking his head. This is the sum total of my existence.

Blue fucking ketchup.

A fit of hacking coughs shook through him, and he put out a hand to steady himself. His hand missed the edge of the counter, glanced off a cabinet door as the rest of him followed. Teets had just enough time to let out a yelp of surprise as he tumbled onto the kitchen floor.

Teets lay there, his face pressed into the ceramic tiles, and began to sob, quietly at first, then louder, his cries mingling with the indifferent buzz of the fluorescent lights.

Presently, he fell asleep.

- - - Comments - - -

 

Shock & Awe
04/11/2003 01:49:22 PM

 

U.S.A. Patriot Act Comix
04/12/2003 12:40:00 AM

 

AB Comix
04/13/2003 04:55:05 AM

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lorene
EMAIL: LNewsome@attbi.com
IP: 12.254.218.251
URL: http://animosityutopia.blogspot.com
DATE: 04/21/2003 05:10:52 PM
Good to see you are back! I was a close friend of Scott's and use to visit your site all the time, thanks to Scott.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: freaktopia
EMAIL: freaktopia@nunya.com
IP: 68.114.242.91
URL:
DATE: 06/17/2003 10:13:18 PM
update it! damnitalltohell!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.72.93
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 06/18/2003 11:48:45 AM

New site!

 

Adventures in Lo-Fi
04/14/2003 05:56:09 AM

This is great. I was going to create a design for this site, but now I'm thinking I should just keep the generic default template. I wonder if interior designers have secret rooms in their houses that have fake wood paneled walls and La-Z-Boys with pictures of dogs playing poker on the walls.

 

A Ny-Quil Moment
04/16/2003 07:00:26 AM

Been sick for the past 2 days. Bleh. I'm a total baby when it comes to illness -- I don't know how people can work with raging fevers. One sore throat and I'm down for the count. I can't move or write or form coherent thoughts.

Still, I'm glad I'm not one of those people who bravely soldier on and come to work crawling with contagious, ravenous little bugs just _waiting_ to set up shop in your lungs. I hate that!

Also, the Japanese have the right idea with those face masks they wear in public when they're sick. That's how it ought to be in civilized society, dammit!

Wow, I'm all outraged. I must be getting better.

 

Bad Ad Slogans Make Me Wonder Who Writes These Things That Make Me Wonder About Them
04/16/2003 08:58:00 AM

I'm still trying to figure out this Microsoft ad line:

"Your potential is what helps us make the software to help you reach it."

A masterpiece of clarity. Why do I get the feeling that someone had a very late night trying to make deadline?

 

Capitalism Comix
04/17/2003 12:08:24 AM

 

Saddamned
04/17/2003 01:08:17 AM

Saddam Hussein gazed out across the dunes, searching the darkness for movement or lights. His agents had assured him that an escort would be waiting for him at the Syrian border.

He felt the bulk of the flare pistol against his ribs, itched to yank it out and fire it into the night sky.

_Not yet!_

By his estimate, he was less than ten miles from the border. He would meet his Syrian handlers there, and be taken to the safe house in Damascus. He would feast on roast lamb and fine brandy. He pursed his cracked lips at the thought.

He stopped to rest, and lurched abruptly as a harsh cough wracked his chest and throat. He felt grit scratching the insides of his cheeks and his swollen tongue, and tried in vain to work up the saliva to spit.

The canteen he'd taken off the body of his driver was nearly empty, despite his best attempts at rationing. _The fool!_ Saddam raged silently. The driver had, at the end, turned on him like a viper, tried to ferry him to an American checkpoint instead of the secret tunnel entrance outside of Tikrit. Treason that he'd paid for with his worthless life.

Saddam drained the canteen and flung it aside. He could make another ten miles, he knew. His old army training hadn't left him completely, despite his decades of extravagant living. Peering behind him, toward Baghdad, he made sure for the hundredth time that he was not being followed, and continued onward.

The moon was low in the sky when he stopped again. How long had he been walking? He could see nothing around him now, no city lights, no fighter jets screaming overhead. Just black sky and the bluish white of the desert bathed in moonlight.

His moisture-deprived body rebelled with a series of hacking coughs that drove him to his knees. Water was required, and soon.

_What if the greeting party was captured?_

He shook the thought from his head. Doubts could do him no good now. Let the desert take him; he would not quail in fear like his advisers and his armies before the wrath of Allah or America. He thought of the American assassins hunting him even now in the streets of Baghdad, and grinned. How many bombs had they flung into his cities, desperate to strike this one head out of millions? Even miles away, he had felt the tremors of the volley they'd dropped on the restaurant.

Uday and Qusay were dead now, surely. It had pained Saddam to the core to sacrifice his sons' lives to his own survival, but too much was at stake now to allow family ties to interfere with his plans. No matter.

Something glimmered in the distance. Lights? He stood erect and peered closely in its direction. It was a man, moving toward him, wearing a military uniform. The glimmer he'd seen was the reflection of moonlight on the man's decorations.

Saddam crouched and waited until the soldier was only a hundred yards away. He could make out the Arab features at once: dark skin and hair, a thick mustache like his own. It would be one of Assad's men, then.

He rose and waved a hand in the air. "Ho!" he shouted. "Over here!"

As the soldier drew nearer, Saddam frowned. The man did not merely have Arabic features; he was the spitting image of Saddam himself!

"You!" Saddam barked, stabbing a finger at him. "You are one of my doubles!"

"Indeed," the doppelganger replied, nodding. "I am one of those who, by virtue of a chance similiarity, has been pressed into your service, Great Leader."

There was something wrong with the man. Military defeat had not blunted Saddam's instincts. He came closer, and saw what it was -- a large, dark patch spread out over the man's tattered dress uniform. Black in the moonlight, Saddam knew it to be blood.

"You've been shot!" he exclaimed.

The double laughed, a sound like grinding stones. "Why, of course, Great Leader! Do you not recognize the wound? For it was you yourself who shot me!"

Saddam shook his head. "What is this madness? I've no time for games. Help me to the border, or get out of my way!"

"But Sire," the double cried, holding up a pale, waxen hand in mock protest, "the rest of your escort has yet to arrive."

"What!"

Saddam whirled at the sound of footsteps. Figures approached from the top of a dune. Each of them bore a face that was all too familiar to the erstwhile dictator.

The doppelganger stepped closer, his chest gleaming wetly. "Surely you remember me, Great Leader," the man said. "You caught me trying to escape with my family on the eve of the invasion. You murdered my wife and child before my eyes before killing me."

Gasping, Saddam turned to face another of his doubles, saw that this one sported a wet, ragged crater of flesh in the center his forehead. "You've not forgotten me, Great Leader? You shot me in the back of my head when one of my decoy appearances displeased you."

Saddam cried out and attempted to flee, pushing past the shambling horrors, but his weary legs would carry him only a short distance. He tumbled belly-first onto the sand, and rolled over to find himself ringed by ghastly duplicates of himself.

"I was bombed by American soldiers who were directed to me with false information," one murmured through lips like melting candle wax.

"You tortured my father until I agreed to serve you," another cried, holding up a pair of bloody wrists, "but I would rather kill myself than serve a tyrant!"

Saddam scrabbled backward on his elbows like a crab, babbling furiously, and yelped as he backed into a pair of legs.

A doppelganger leaned close to him, and he gagged at the foul stench of decay that emerged from between its gray lips.

"But you are no longer a tyrant, Great Leader," the thing rasped, and grinned rows of blackening teeth in a lipless mouth. "So we shall now be pleased to serve you."

_Serve you_, the others intoned.

The screams went on for a very long time, and were consumed in their turn by the desert winds.

 

So Much for Basics!
04/17/2003 04:10:26 PM

Sure enough, I broke down and did a "design" for this site. However, in my defense I'd like to point out that the design is sorta lame.

 

Poodle Power!
04/18/2003 12:35:04 AM

Defensive he-man toy poodle owners everywhere have a new champion -- Yip-Yip the super-poodle, who, despite his diminutive 11-pound frame, can pull upwards of 180 pounds! He'll be competing in the 2003 International Weight-Pull Association Championships in Loveland, CO.

Don't make Yip-Yip angry -- you wouldn't like him when he's angry.

As the co-owner of two toy poodles, let me say that poodles are where it's at. Except maybe for border collies, they're the smartest dogs out there, plus they don't shed and are completely portable. Okay, they're a little high-strung (read: yappy), but aren't most intellectuals?

 

Still Working Through the Trauma
04/18/2003 12:49:01 AM

"Your potential is what helps us make the software to help you reach it." I'm sorry, I still can't get over it. What were they thinking?

Next up for this ad agency:

Coke: "Thirst is what we solve by giving you the drink that allows it to be refreshed by you."

Nike: "Just help us to help you by making the shoes that help you to have it be done by you."

Apple: "Different is how you enable us to make computers to let you think."

Comet: "Your bathroom is what you help us make the cleanser that helps us allow you to purchase it and give us the means of letting it be sold to you for the home that allows you to bring it there to help you clean."

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Bill
EMAIL: bill@billbarol.com
IP: 68.65.200.68
URL: http://www.billbarol.com/blather
DATE: 04/18/2003 12:13:22 PM
Advil: "Making the pain of your headache a thing that no longer requires it to be treated by this."

Oh, this is just too much fun.

 

The Long Dark Night of the Port-a-Potty
04/18/2003 05:35:40 AM

It's 4:39 as I wri

It's 4:40 as I write this. I've been up all night. Guess what I've been doing. No, really, guess:

a. Getting plastered on pitchers of Guinness while challenging the patrons of a sports bar for the crown of Trivia-Game-Thing-That-Is-In-Every-Sports-Bar-In-America King;

b. Polishing up the first half of my novel;

c. Putting the sting in my lady -- sideways;

d. Hacking my lungs out as I grab a handful of Kleenex to catch the germ-laden mucus flying out of my mouth at speeds of up to 200 m.p.h.

SCORING: If you answered anything but "d," this is your first time visiting my site, and you have no idea how life-challenged I am.

As far as I'm concerned, the worst thing about being sick isn't the aches and pains, or the bitter taste of medicine, or not being able to go to the movies because even on the off chance that you don't infect the entire theater, you'll probably end up vomiting on the guy in front of you.

No, the worst thing about being sick is that I can't get any frickin' sleep! Maybe I'm biased, because it's now 4:50 a.m. and I'm still awake, but I'm pretty sure it is the worst.

When you're in bed with a cold, do you ever play the Sinus Drainage game with yourself, where you turn your head from side to side and feel the gunk in your sinuses ooze from one side of your nose to the other? One of my pet peeves is having one nasal passage completely clear, while the other one is totally blocked, so I'll try to achieve a state of perfect nasal balance, where both nasal passages are equally obstructed. Then I gasp for air and stumble out of bed, whereupon I sit there in abject suffering until 4:54 a.m.

Am I whining? I'm whining. But I'm keeping it all in perspective. I'm sick, but I'm not, like, dying. It's not even that bad of a cold -- so far. I think it's just the cumulative effect of the three or four times I've been sick during the past year. I'm sick of being sick! I'm tired of being tired! I've had it with...um, having it?

As I never get tired of mentioning in conversation, I don't have cable TV or network TV. So when I'm awake like this, there's nothing to fill that unique niche that TV fills in our lives. I'm too zonked to make sense of a book, I don't want to get wrapped up in some DVD, and there's nowhere to drive to because I live in WeCloseEarlyVille U.S.A. These are the times when I wish I could just veg out to CNN and drift off to slumber land on a wave of droning punditry.

That's what's so great about the Web.

Tonight I'm scouring the recently updated weblog list at Weblogs.com. I went here and here and here. I'm thinking most people choose weblogs off of that list based on the name. Your choices therefore probably say a lot about you. My list:

Introverted Exhibitionist
Serenity Now
The Writing Life
My Name is Patsy Stone, I'm an Alcoholic
Super Lazy Protection 2
Psychic Departure Bunny Lounge

With titles like that, I figure half your job's done right there. Which brings up an interesting issue. What if you pour all of your creativity and inspiration into your weblog title, and there's nothing left for the actual weblog? For instance, I like the title of this weblog. It's got the whole Judy Blume thing going, for one thing -- Judy taught me everything I need to know, like what the hell "menstruation" is and how to survive as an outcast in an uncaring world.

So, what if somebody sees this title on some site like Weblogs.com, thinks "Hey, this sounds good," and comes here, only to find a half-page of whining about being sick? They're not gonna think "This site sucks, but what a great name -- I'm sending this guy $50 via PayPal!" No, they're gonna curse me for wasting 30 seconds of their valuable pre-dawn surfing time.

The flip side of the coin...what if the greatest weblog ever written is out there somewhere, with a name like "Pete's Thoughts," and I'll never see it because I'm busy clicking on something like "My Fry-Daddy Is On Fire"?

On second thought, whatever. If I can skip over Flaubert with a clean conscience, I can skip the Great American Weblog.

But Pete, if you're out there, change your blog name to "Pete's Thots" and I'm totally there.

It's 5:16 a.m. now. I drank some hot tea, and wow, my nasal passages are almost clear! Dare I slip back into bed? You know what'll happen, right? Mucus will come flooding back from whatever reserve tank it's cooling in at the moment, and my throat will be plugged up with a thick sludge as I slowly asphixiate and become the first person in history to die of a runny nose.

It's almost that hour where you have to decide, is this a new day, or the end of the last one? Do I try to stay awake? Or do I go to bed, toss and turn for another hour, then doze fitfully until noon? These are the important questions.

Oh yes, I feel the thick blob of mucus in my throat already. It's hiding out near my trachea, waiting to ambush me when the moment is right. Crafty, very crafty. Well played, Mr. Throat Blob. But I'll bet you didn't count on _this!_

HAUUCK KOFF KOFF KOFF KOFF KOFF KOFF HAUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!

All too easy.

Next stop, Sleepyville, population me.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 206.40.192.191
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 04/18/2003 09:33:13 AM
Mine is the disease of boredom! Yawn! I want the day off today!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.165.67.45
URL:
DATE: 04/19/2003 02:23:09 AM
Oh dear GOD!!! Sungmo my love you have returned! (props for your dedication.)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B
EMAIL: bs_liang@hotmail.com
IP: 209.178.153.206
URL:
DATE: 04/19/2003 06:20:30 PM
Hey B, sick eh? So was I. I have one clogged up nostril. :;shakes fist::

Was it you who I told about the giant snot bubble i blew that was like the size of a golfball? yeah, and then i looked online for some sort of world record but didn't find one, wish i had a cam.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: :: jozjozjoz ::
EMAIL: blog.20.jozjozjoz@spamgourmet.com
IP: 4.46.85.77
URL: http://www.insignifica.org/jozjozjoz
DATE: 04/20/2003 08:26:19 PM
Hope it's not SARS!

 

It's 4 in the Frickin' Morning
04/21/2003 03:54:01 AM

_Just go to bed and lie there until you fall asleep._

But that's what I do every night, and I never feel sleepy!

_If you lie down long enough, you'll fall asleep eventually._

But I never do! I'll lie there for an hour without even feeling drowsy!

_Well it always works for me._

Of course it works for you. You're a frickin' narcoleptic! You fall asleep if your head's at a 45 degree angle!

Bah!

 

Tick...Tock...Tick...Tock...
04/21/2003 04:34:43 AM

I'm obsessive-compulsive. When I was little, I would form my food into squares. Everything had to be square. When I ate a sandwich, I would take bites out of the sandwich in a way that would retain its square shape. The first time I saw one of those little cucumber sandwiches they serve at English tea, you know, those tiny square sandwiches, I almost cried.

I also used to have a thing about sorting laundry into smaller and smaller categories. I would do pants in one load, dress shirts in another, t-shirts in another, and so on. I don't do this anymore because I can't afford to do all that laundry. But if I ever have a billion dollars, the first thing I'll do is buy fifty washing machines, and wash one article of clothing in each machine.

For a little while, I had this obsession where, if I was walking down a sidewalk paved with little square tiles, I had to walk down one column of tiles, not going off course for anything, even oncoming pedestrians. This didn't last, however, because it conflicted with my other obsession of the time, which was avoiding physical contact with strangers.

The funny thing about these various compulsions is that they come and go and take different shapes. I don't have the sidewalk issue anymore, and I'm no longer averse to being in close proximity to strangers. (Which came in handy when I used to commute to work on the bus.) I'm a lot more relaxed about laundry (although I still like to sort it into logical piles), and I eat food like a normal person, mostly.

The one obsession that has never changed, however: I won't go anywhere without at least two reasons for going. If I need one thing from the market, for instance, I won't make the trip unless I can think of one other thing I need. And I can't just make something up, either -- it has to be a genuine reason. So, if I'm going to the movies, I'll plan a side trip to Target. I'll put off important errands for days because I haven't come up with that all-important Second Reason for leaving the house.

Actually, I can't tell if this is because of OCD or sheer laziness. Since both are lifelong conditions for me, it's hard to say for sure.

Maybe this is why I can't go to sleep -- because I need two reasons for going there?

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 66.252.228.57
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 04/21/2003 07:27:33 PM
I don't know, I've never put much thought at all into these things. Maybe I'm the lazy one.

When I was a kid I had a brief preoccupation with rolling my sandwiches up. I used to take bread, cut the crusts off, flatten it with a rolling pin, put jelly or whatever on it, and roll it up. For about a year I had smashed, rolled up sandwiches.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B
EMAIL: b@bryanbyun.com
IP: 63.187.240.32
URL: http://www.bryanbyun.com/
DATE: 04/22/2003 04:43:34 AM
Wow! I also used to enjoy flattening my sandwiches -- I don't know why, but the compactness made them taste better. However, you took that preference to a whole new level of compulsiveness. Kudos!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 66.252.228.57
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 04/22/2003 09:22:00 PM
My mother must be so proud.

 

It's 4 in the Frickin' Morning Again
04/22/2003 04:38:37 AM

I should just rename this site "Bryan's Insomnia Journal." Or maybe I Can't Believe I'm Not on Crystal Meth! Yes, it's another sleepless night here at Port-a-Potty HQ. So far I've tried the following insomnia remedies, without success:

1. A nice hot cup of tea at bedtime. (Almost works, but half an hour later I end up having to get out of bed to go to the bathroom.)

2. Lie in bed until you fall asleep. (Did you know that the average person falls asleep 8 minutes after getting into bed? I am way above average. I'm in the frickin' 99th percentile.)

3. Stay up until you feel sleepy. (Unfortunately this doesn't happen until about 4 or 5 a.m. Every night.)

4. Read. (I get engrossed in the book and stay up until 4 a.m. to finish it.)

5. Stay off the Internet. (This is the best suggestion so far. However, it doesn't make me fall asleep faster, it just keeps me from staying up longer.)

See, here's what happens. As soon as my head hits the pillow, my brain kicks into some kind of weird overdrive and starts working a mile a minute. My mind races and I start thinking about all kinds of things, usually questions about some life choice, or some dumb issue about my website. I'll try focusing on minor concerns in hopes of falling asleep out of boredom, but no dice.

Let me try this experiment. I'll post some of the more aggravating questions here. If you're reading this, give me your input. Maybe if I can resolve all of these nagging issues, peaceful slumber will be mine at last.

THE BIG QUESTIONS

1. Should I move my weblog over to my "other" site? At first it made total sense for this weblog to be here, but now I don't know why I thought it made sense. Everybody else is over there -- why am I here? Then I could add my site to the quick links over there and it would be a lot easier to move around. Yeah, that's it! Then again, the whole point of me having this here in the first place was to sort of distance this weblog from my other projects...but now I don't remember why I wanted that distance to begin with. See what I have to contend with?

2. What should I do with my life?

3. I finished Book II of 100 Bullets, and I have Books IV and V, but not III. Should I just go on and read IV and V and fill in III later on, or should I wait until I read III before moving on? What if it takes months to get ahold of III?

4. When you have an unresolved conflict with someone from your distant past that causes you to feel guilty in the present day, is it better to try to contact that person and work things out to achieve some kind of "closure," or should one leave well enough alone and not disrupt that person's life, even if you end up carrying the burden of guilt for the rest of your life?

5. What's better -- to take more time and effort to go somewhere that you really like, or to settle for a place that you like less, because it's a lot closer and easier to get to? Each place is essentially the same in terms of content, but the atmosphere/setting of one is more pleasant than the other.

Thanks for your help.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 66.237.70.170
URL:
DATE: 04/22/2003 01:50:26 PM
whoa... I am so glad I read your blog while goofing off during the middle of my work day, rather than at home in the late evening like I always do! (because otherwise I too would be up all night formulating just the perfect response)

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 66.237.70.170
URL:
DATE: 04/22/2003 05:41:13 PM
...still no constructive answer yet to your inquiry, but I can attest that listening to "Kiss of Death" by New Order definitely has healing qualities.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B
EMAIL: b@bryanbyun.com
IP: 63.187.234.136
URL: http://www.bryanbyun.com/
DATE: 04/22/2003 08:08:47 PM
Hurry -- I'm going to bed soon! ;-)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 66.252.228.57
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 04/22/2003 09:20:34 PM
I posted you some mooosic at my site!

And now, your moment of zen...

1) The last time around as I recall, you got too popular, and spent way too much time working on your weblog. Like spending 4 hours on an animated gif of Jet Li. Maybe that was why you wanted the distance - to keep off the clammoring hordes of fans?

2) Find out what's missing, and devise a reasonable way of getting it.

3) Huh?

4) Let sleeping dogs lie, unless you think that they would benefit from your apologies or whatever.

5) Life's short - go somewhere you really like. I've been taking extra time out of my day to go way out of my way to buy gourmet sandwiches instead of the nasty cafeteria ones, and it lifts my spirits considerably! And the weight of my wallet.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B
EMAIL: b@bryanbyun.com
IP: 63.187.234.136
URL: http://www.bryanbyun.com/
DATE: 04/22/2003 11:24:19 PM
Hey Susan -- re: your mooosic -- so, are you saying I should try smoking a "Buddha blunt"? I'll try anything at this point!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 66.252.228.57

URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 04/23/2003 04:02:58 PM
Well, that would put you to sleep...or keep you awake with the munchies!

 

The Big Questions: Answered!
04/22/2003 11:43:16 PM

Susan responds to my Five Questions:

1) The last time around as I recall, you got too popular, and spent way too much time working on your weblog. Like spending 4 hours on an animated gif of Jet Li. Maybe that was why you wanted the distance - to keep off the clammoring hordes of fans?

You're right! Drunk on fame, I stumbled into a downward spiral of self-destruction and excess, not unlike that which destroyed Kato Kaelin. This site isn't meant to be part of the "public" website. If that "other" site is the factory where the magic is made, then this weblog is the dingy upper office where the sweaty, unshaven boss sits behind a cluttered desk and fills out the paperwork, signs the checks, and coerces naive young recruits into participating in illegal schemes.

This is the inner sanctum, the room behind the velvet rope, where I can lay down the burden of supergeniusness (supergeniety? I must consult my grammar staff) and just be myself, at least to the limits of legal liability as delineated by the First Amendment and Washington State case law. Nay, I shan't be moving my site after all. To quote the great statesman and naval officer Captain Jean-Luc Picard, "The line must be drawn here! And no further!" Thank you for reminding me.

2) Find out what's missing, and devise a reasonable way of getting it.

But what if what I want is unattainable, or at least illegal within the jurisdiction of the United States and most other developed nations?

3) Huh?

See, these life issues can get pretty thorny.

4) Let sleeping dogs lie, unless you think that they would benefit from your apologies or whatever.

Again, you're right. Why reopen old wounds? Maybe I should just shoot him instead?

5) Life's short - go somewhere you really like. I've been taking extra time out of my day to go way out of my way to buy gourmet sandwiches instead of the nasty cafeteria ones, and it lifts my spirits considerably! And the weight of my wallet.

Good plan. Why should I compromise? Life's already too full of areas where you have no choice but to accept less than what you want. Why not take advantage of those rare opportunities where you can actually achieve satisfaction?

Great! Thanks for your advice, Susan. I feel sleepy already....

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 66.252.228.57
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 04/23/2003 04:06:50 PM
Anytime! :-)

But what if what I want is unattainable, or at least illegal within the jurisdiction of the United States and most other developed nations?

Lower your expectations and you'll always be delighted.

Or call my friend Stacey, he can probably hook you up.

 

To Sleep, Perchance to...Sleep.
04/22/2003 11:53:00 PM

In addition to getting all of my life issues resolved, I'm drinking some Valerian tea. Valerian apparently is "of value as a narcotic in insomnia." Yes, please, more narcotics! Maybe I should shoot up with this stuff instead of drinking it. Anyone got a spoon?

 

Snob Knob
04/23/2003 10:31:30 AM

"When did having standards and expertise become a bad thing?" asks this classical music critic, deploring the popular sentiment that elitism and snobbery are a Bad Thing. While her basic message -- "it's good to know stuff" -- is fine, she unfortunately misses the whole point of anti-elitism, as most self-styled elitists do.

What's contemptible about elitism isn't the appreciation for the finer things, or the willingness to work for one's entertainment instead of having it spoon fed to us, but rather the attitude so prevalent among snobs of all stripes that the finer things -- whatever they may be -- are the only articles of real value, that everything else, by the mere fact of not aspiring to those upper strata, is worthless, or undeserving of genuine consideration.

I engaged in a debate once with a well-known online film critic that illuminates this point perfectly. In the course of defending the merits of some film that was a popular success, but largely derided critically, I said "Sometimes you want prime steak, and sometimes you want a big fat sloppy hamburger." The critic responded, "Why should I ever settle for hamburger? Why can't I always demand steak?"

Which is exactly it. The problem with "elitists" is that they're so infatuated with their steak -- with the very _idea_ of steak -- that they've lost all appreciation for the simpler joys of life. If you can't take pleasure in a corn dog or a goofy so-bad-it's-good B-movie, you're missing out on something essential to the human experience. It means your sensibilities have become so stratified that they are no longer relevant to anyone or anything but themselves and their narrow interests. Ironically, in the relentless pursuit of higher enlightenment you become more closed and ignorant.

The other problem with elitism is that it's an easy posture for the intellectually lazy who want the appearance of superiority without the hard work of actually achieving it. So you see these posers who flock to the latest fashionably hip artwork, attitude, political belief, et cetera, and are quick to deride everything yet somehow much less prepared to articulate the value of their choices. It's easy to look smart by hating everything, in other words. The negative is so much easier to point out than the positive. Snobbery can be as phony a badge as religion or patriotism any other kind of piety.

No one but a fool derides expertise and the insight that comes from intimate knowledge of a subject. But the moment you stop being an aficionado and become an "elitist," you become the biggest fool of all -- the fool who thinks himself wise.

And now back to carping about insomnia. The Valerian tea last night actually helped -- I think! I got to sleep by 2 a.m., and only that late because of a stupid coughing fit. Good Earth Tea for Sleep -- my new friend.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.142.178.248
URL:
DATE: 04/23/2003 10:34:31 PM
Feh! is such an appropriate tag line for your comments.

Once upon a time, a group of friends breaks fast at a cafe on Larchmont. The server places a plate of eggs over medium and home fries in front of me, and I ask the server for some ketchup for my taters. One of my closest girlfriends chimes in "ketchup with potatoes would be good, but you're really not supposed to ask for ketcup in a nice restaurant". It took every ounce of energy I had to refrain from dousing her with the ketchup, while sitting in the small breakfast cafe in Larchmont Village... and what's worst is she the elitist snob takes on a whole new shape when seemingly-able to name drop: she works at a well-known Hollywood hotel and says things like "oh yeah, last month when I was talking to KR in the lounge..." (KR = Keanu, of course!) as if she's describing how he just stopped by her home to listen to some music and play with her dog. All the while my internal editor is screaming at me to say "...how many extra towels or pillows did he ask you to get him?" ... (n.b.: remember to keep your most annoying friends and acquaintances at a safe distance so they don't go and marry into your immediate or extended family and you get stuck with their annoying presence for ever and ever and ever)

 

The Revolution Will Not Be Hollywoodized
04/23/2003 11:58:09 AM

An unusually lucid Armond White in today's New York Press:

The lackluster reception of Phone Booth overshadows the new documentary A Decade Under the Influence, which celebrates the legacy of the 70s American renaissance. For all the lip service paid to 70s American movies, their grappling with social circumstances and moral issues is rarely practiced and even more rarely appreciated. One of the lessons of the 70s era was that filmmakers could use disreputable genres -- Easy Rider, The Last American Hero, The Godfather, Chinatown, Taxi Driver, Carrie -- to pursue social truths and thus transform thrillers into enlightenment. That's all gone now. As Francis Ford Coppola observes in A Decade, today's movies "are like selling tranquilizers and viagra."
The fact is, in the new century social consciousness itself has been co-opted by the mainstream, and transformed into just another disposable consumer product. The larger message of Phone Booth is ignored because it's a commercial film, and viewers have been trained through years of experience with soulless studio product to dismiss social and political statements embedded into corporate transmissions. That's why the antiwar movement resonates with many people despite its fundamental illogic and shaky moral base -- it's inherently anti-mainstream, and the closest any mass movement can get these days to an authentic grass-roots experience.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 66.252.228.57
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 04/23/2003 04:17:46 PM
I've been wondering if Phone Booth is worth a viewing or not. Have you seen it?

 

Five Facts I Learned About Insomnia Today
04/24/2003 08:39:58 PM

Soulless corporate mega-bookstores can be a great thing, especially when they let you sit and read their books for free for several hours without buying anything. What I learned today about insomnia:

1. Having a low sleep debt (meaning that you're all caught up on your shuteye) can actually be a _bad_ thing, at least in that it takes only a wee bit of stress to keep you awake at night. Who knew?

2. Insomnia can be caused by a calcium deficiency. Who knew?

3. Insomnia can be caused by anxiety about insomnia, like if you know you have to get a good night's sleep in advance of some important event the next day. Who knew? Actually, I did, since last night I went to bed thinking, "I'd better get some sleep tonight or I'll be a zombie at the bookstore tomorrow." Later, as I lay wide awake at 4 a.m., I thought, "Y'know, it's as if my insomnia were caused by my anxiety about insomnia!" Who knew?

4. One treatment for insomnia is cognitive therapy, in which you fool yourself into falling asleep by "forcing" yourself to stay awake. The ol' reverse psychology gambit. But as a friend of mine pointed out, if you know you're trying to trick yourself into falling asleep, then you're aware that by trying to stay awake you're actually trying to make yourself fall asleep. Angered by your baldfaced attempt to trick yourself, you fly into a rage and pummel yourself into unconsciousness. Hey, maybe it does work after all. Who knew?

5. Insomnia can be greatly worsened by ingesting stimulants, like caffeine, during the day. "Thanks a lot for the tip, Mr. Obvious So-Called Sleep Expert," I sneered, taking a sip of my grande vanilla latte with quadruple espresso shots, then chasing it with a refreshing swig of Red Bull. Who knew?

Tonight: D-Day ("D" for "drowsiness," that is) -- Valerian tea _and_ Melatonin!!!

 

3 A.M. Revelations
04/25/2003 03:34:10 AM

*1. In a mad world, only the mad are truly insane.*

Yes, insane, not sane. Because mental and emotional disorders are still pathological conditions no matter what your environment. I don't know why books and movies keep pushing this idea that crazy people suddenly become emotionally healthy just because the world around them is chaotic and irrational. If anything, it's the fact that the world is screwed up that _drives_ people insane.

2. I finally understand the phrase "...And if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass a-hoppin'."

Actually, I always knew the basic meaning of the expression, but I didn't really "grok" its deeper meaning until tonight, when I mused idly that I probably wouldn't have insomnia if I had a girlfriend, and I responded to myself, "Yeah, and if a frog had wings, it wouldn't bump its ass a-hoppin'." I always thought it was just a statement denouncing the absurdity of a pointless complaint (you are unhappy because your life is imperfect; so what, because perfection is a cheap fantasy, and the thing you yearn for is impossible). But in fact, it's more profound than that.

See, if a frog did in fact have wings, it wouldn't strictly be a frog anymore. That is, it wouldn't be the kind of organism that would normally have problems with bumping its ass. So the message is essentially that you have the problems you have because it's inherent in your nature to have those problems. If you didn't have those problems, you wouldn't be you, but you'd never appreciate this because you wouldn't have had the problems in the first place. You'd have different problems entirely, like, as with the frog for instance, being picked off by hawks, or perhaps toadhawks.

So, my statement that "I wouldn't have insomnia if I had a girlfriend" is nonsensical, because the kind of guy who would have a girlfriend is probably not the kind of guy who would have insomnia in the first place. (Also, the kind of guy who would use the word "grok" in a sentence isn't really the kind of guy who is going to have a girlfriend anytime soon.) Or maybe it means that insomnia itself is a condition that eliminates the possibility of romance? Or that, if I didn't have insomnia, I wouldn't want a girlfriend in the first place so would not feel the lack of one?

I don't know anymore, because it's 3 in the morning for God's sake. My brain is running like hot wax. I'm so tired, in fact, that I'm not going to share any more of my 3 a.m. revelations. They're just too mind-blowingly complex for even my own brain to handle right now -- and I came up with them! In Wisconsin I used to go to this place called The Den and buy CDs. Good night.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: josh
EMAIL: josh@fireland.com
IP: 24.198.144.50
URL: http://www.fireland.com/
DATE: 04/25/2003 09:38:26 AM
Maybe also keep in mind that a frog isn't really "bumping" its ass, per se - or at least not in an unpleasant fashion. Frogs have been designed to hop, and to efficiently and painlessly bear their own weight with each hop, and so "bumping one's ass" is probably not a legitimate complaint amongst frogs.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B
EMAIL: b@bryanbyun.com
IP: 63.187.233.25
URL: http://www.bryanbyun.com/
DATE: 04/25/2003 10:43:47 AM
Excellent point! So then, the real issue isn't that a frog bumps its ass a-hoppin', but more of an existential crisis, in that it becomes aware that it's bumping its ass, and not gliding effortlessly above the stony ground like the winged creatures that share its ecosystem! Therefore, my problem isn't so much even insomnia or the lack of a girlfriend, but my awareness of lacking a girlfriend? Yet another reason to purchase an Xbox.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 66.252.228.51
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 04/25/2003 12:12:53 PM
I've never heard that phrase before, and find it oddly hilarious.

Perhaps there is a subconscience coorelation between the frog saying and the girlfriend lament. Could you be the metaphorical ass-bumping frog, waiting for someone to kiss you and turn you into a prince?

I'm thinking about this way too hard. 3 a.m. thots at 3 p.m. - hmm.

 

Hatin' on Whitey
04/25/2003 11:10:45 AM

In the old days, the good guys wore white. Now Hollywood's villains are turning pale, and real-life albinos are crying foul as movies like The Matrix: Reloaded arrive with a fresh supply of pigment-challenged bad guys.
Meanwhile, Barton Blackheart, spokesman for the National Association of Men With Handlebar Mustaches, expressed dismay over the popularity of albino villains. "We used to have the hip cachet of being cinematic bad boys, but now we're just relentlessly parodied movie cliches," Blackheart muttered, polishing his monocle. "The fools -- they'll soon pay for their insolence!"

Representatives for immaculately dressed goateed German businessmen did not respond to requests for interviews.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 66.252.228.51
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 04/25/2003 12:16:44 PM
That link brought back the painful memory of seeing Jeremy Irons as the albinoish villan in "The Time Machine". Ugh.

They need a villan that's albino, with a handlebar mustache. Now that would be scary.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Miss Elle
EMAIL: misslaurenita@hotmail.com
IP: 216.119.2.124
URL: http://www.rooba.net/misselle
DATE: 04/25/2003 11:40:59 PM
Nice to see you writing again.

 

Are You There, Soupy? It's Me, Bryan
04/26/2003 04:16:57 AM

Before I hit the sack, let me share with you two great stories about Soupy Sales that I found in the Amazon.com customer reviews of his autobiography, Soupy Sez: My Zany Life and Times:

He was angry at the producer of his show for some reason, and so at the end of the hour-long show, where Soupy says goodbye to all the kiddies, he holds up his hand, and says, (I think I'm recalling it more or less correctly, but cut me a little slack, since it's been almost 40 years). Anyway, at that point he said: "This is for White Fang, this is for Pookie, and this is for our producer," as he ticked them off on his fingers.

Unfortunately for both Soupy and the producer, he curled each finger down as he did this, leaving only his middle finger sticking up at that point, and was now basically giving his boss the finger on national TV, for all the little kiddies and their now outraged parents to see.

I read the show immediately got thousands of calls from angry parents all over the country, and that this led to his one-year long hiatus from the air-waves. (Reviewer "Magellan359")

And here's Soupy telling the story of what is probably his most infamous on-air prank (which also got him suspended):

So I moved up as close to the camera as I could, and I said, "Hey, kids, last night was New Year's Eve and your mom and dad were out having a good time and it's only right, since they work hard all year long. And they're probably still in the bedroom asleep. Now, what I want you to do is tiptoe into the bedroom and don't wake them up and you'll probably see your mom's pocketbook on the floor along with your dad's pants. Now, be real careful, because we don't want to wake them up, but I want you to go into your mom's pocketbook and your dad's pants and you'll find some little green pieces of paper with pictures of guys with beards on them. Now, what I want you to do is take those little pieces of green paper and put them into an envelope, and on the envelope, I want you to write Soupy Sales, Channel 5, New York, New York, and you know what I'm gonna send you in return? A postcard from Puerto Rico."

Can anyone doubt this man's genius?

 

Blogging About Not Blogging
04/28/2003 04:21:44 AM

"If I expose things that interest or obsess me as I go along, there'd be no need to write the book. The sinews of narrative would never grow. So I think I'm going to say goodbye to whoever's been following it." -- William Gibson, on ending his weblog.

Gee, it's going away, and I never even knew it was there.

Is he right? Is there something about blogging that takes away from other forms of personal writing? Gibson also says, "If I were really a novelist of ideas in the way some novelists are, it might well work (to keep blogging) -- if I needed to work through political and philosophical ideas. But that's not how I think I work."

Before I came across this Wired article, I was actually about to write an entry about how I feel like I'm in a creative rut, and how for the past couple of weeks I've been unable to produce anything -- even crap. At first I blamed it on getting sick, which did in fact break my momentum, and then I blamed it on the insomnia. But I wonder if there's something about the daily weblogging/journalling process that diffuses creative energies, or blunts the various narrative threads that run through your subconscious mind.

Nah. Yeah. Maybe. I don't know. Do you?

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: bitchquickly@yahoo.com
IP: 216.39.173.85
URL:
DATE: 04/28/2003 06:28:58 PM

Yeah, I tend to agree with the idea that blogging drains away creative energy. I think it's a great outlet for people who have creative energy that they want to channel, but probably just a distraction for people who really should be writing in some other medium. It's almost too convenient somehow.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Miss Elle
EMAIL: misslaurenita@hotmail.com
IP: 216.119.6.10
URL: http://www.rooba.net/misselle
DATE: 04/29/2003 12:32:37 PM
I think people talk/analyze/think about it/take it too seriously...way too much. Don't you?

 

Ten Minutes
04/28/2003 04:41:07 AM

_4:30-4:33_

Kind of annoyed with this whole "anti-blogging" movement, which is apparently a revolt against the "conventional" weblog (posting the same links everyone else links to, propagating the latest dumb meme, etc.) So very silly. If you don't want to blog that way, just don't blog that way! Don't make up some ridiculous, self-important label for what you're doing. Sheesh!

_4:34_

Y'know, I really wish I were 25% more witty, 50% less angry, and 75% more consistent.

_4:35_

I wonder if I'm losing it. "It" being whatever it is I used to be better at doing.

_4:36-4:37_

What was Flaubert writing at the age I am now? What about Voltaire? They were building cathedrals out of words, and I'm sitting here banging wooden blocks together like a puling rug monkey. On the other hand, Voltaire probably never wrote the phrase "puling rug monkey."

_4:38_

I have a lot of self-loathing thoughts in the late hours.

_4:39_

Before, when I had these self-loathing thoughts, I would console myself by watching a videotape of my old high school classmate Steve Woodworth scratching his crotch during the final round of "Win Ben Stein's Money." Sadly, I have lost this tape.

_4:40_

Is Edward Albee still alive?

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: hannah
EMAIL: hannahw@umich.edu
IP: 141.214.17.5
URL:
DATE: 04/28/2003 07:32:33 AM
4:35 reminded me of the following:
Grandpa Simpson-"I used to be with it. But then they changed what it was. Now what I'm with isn't it, and what's it seems scary and wierd."

and also:
Losin' It

 

A Confederacy of Dunces
04/28/2003 06:13:08 PM

Apparently a few good ol' boys are pissed off about Georgia taking the Stars and Bars off of the state flag.

Here's a little reminder to you folks who get all misty-eyed about the Confederacy: YOU LOST. And do you know what the losing side in a civil war gets to do? _Whatever the hell the winners let them do._ So shut up and stop crying. You people are lucky you didn't all get deported to Haiti after what you tried to pull!

"We'll be making our displeasure known in short order," said Rusty Henderson of the Heritage Preservation Association. How -- by losing another war?

Let me make it real clear to you fellers in case it hasn't sunk through yet. You know your great-great-grandpappy, the plantation owner who fought so valiantly for the South? He was a big fat LOSER. Those boys in gray didn't march home hollering "Yee haw!" -- they crept home with their heads hung in shame, rubbing the scorch marks on their butts from the cannons of the superior American forces -- the folks we call "winners."

Frankly, you should be glad we're getting rid of the Stars & Bars. If a symbol of your royal ass-whupping is the only thing you can take pride in, then you've got some serious problems. The South can only benefit by ridding itself of all reminders of their ignominous defeat and getting behind the winning team -- that's America, by the way, not the Confederate States of Aw Shucks I Lost the War.

You know what the _real_ Rebel Yell sounded like?

MOMMMEEEEEE!!!!

That's what your great-great-grandpappy yelled as he ran from the battlefield with a Union boot stuck up his butthole. He yelled that because he was a loser.

Now take that stupid flag down before we drop some more bombs on your losing asses.

P.S. By the way, that Confederate flag is why the rest of the country considers you retards. By all means fly it proudly. Slap that "Hello, I am a Retard" sticker all over your bumper. Be sure to wear your "Retard" patch on your baseball cap everywhere you go, so people will know not to use big words like "cat" and "am" around you. The Retards Will Rise Again. Indeed.

P.P.S. The preceding rant was not intended as a slur against the South in general, just Confederacy fetishists (and Klansmen). Having spent most of my childhood in Louisiana and Florida, I have the deepest affection for the shitkickers, hicks, rednecks, crackers, trailer trash, and good ol' boys of the Deep South.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: bitchquickly@yahoo.com
IP: 216.39.173.85
URL:
DATE: 04/28/2003 06:24:37 PM
Ma ha ha! "We'll be making our displeasure known in short order" - that is so rich! Probably by getting drunk and going cow-tipping.

Aside from the absurdity of wanting to perpetuate something that only makes people think of rednecks anyway, why would people want to constantly remind themselves of an embarrassing campaign and an equally embarrassing defeat? It just don't add up!

It seems high time to let the people in that state who don't want to be laughed at behind the hand of the rest of America (or sheepishly swept under the rug with the rest of the dust bunnies) move on. Those who truly want to celebrate that past should do so by putting all the stars and bars flags up around your own home; the nice thing about this being America is that no one has made that illegal.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 66.252.228.57
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 04/30/2003 06:59:17 AM
"The Retards Will Rise Again." Bwahaha!

This reminds me of an Onion article, "South Postpones Rising Again For Yet Another Year":

http://www.theonion.com/onion3613/south_postpones.html

 

That Not-So-Fresh Feeling
04/29/2003 03:25:01 AM

Maybe it's the sleeplessness, maybe it's a bad combination of meds -- I feel "off" lately. When I think about writing something, I get that sensation like when you're swimming in the ocean and you're right at that depth where your feet lose contact with the bottom, and you start cycling your legs, trying to gain purchase, but all you feel is sand streaming between your toes as you churn uselessly in the cloudy water.

Then the sharks come.

• • •

I was talking to a friend of mine today -- let's call her "Fran" -- about an acquaintance, whom we'll call "Steve." Fran is contemptuous of Steve because she considers Steve a horrible, deadly dull writer. You know you're doing something wrong when you write so badly that people become enraged at the awfulness of your writing. "I hate the fact that people like this write incessantly and consider themselves good writers," Fran "said" (I'm paraphrasing), "while genuinely good writers never write what they should be writing because they think they suck."

"Hm," I reflected.

• • •

When I first heard about The Singing Detective, I thought it was some kind of whimsical musical mystery series. Who knew that it was a searing examination of the darkest regions of human nature, a blistering miasma of fear, desire, betrayal, death, sex, nostalgia, longing, loss, pain, loneliness, and the internal and external scars that mark one's passage through this wacky funhouse called Life?

Good stuff. Check it out.

• • •

"Shut up," he explained.

• • •

The best book in the universe is a book of comic strips, entitled "The Bus," by Paul Kirchner. Sometime this week, I am going to post excerpts from this book, in order to demonstrate to you why it is the best book in the universe. It's so good that, because it is out of print, I was willing to track down and purchase a used paperback copy of this $5.95 book for $13.

I'm telling you this now, so that if someone comes up to you between now and when I post the excerpt and says, "Hey, I just found the best book in the universe!" You can shake your head in mock exasperation and reply, "I'm sorry, friend, but I have it on good authority that the best book in the universe is 'The Bus' by Paul Kirchner."

• • •

Exception to the above: if the person who approaches you with the "best book in the universe" is in fact me, then instead of shaking your head in mock exasperation, you should clap your hands and exclaim, "My God, did you bring a copy with you? And did you actually hop on an airplane and fly 3,000 miles just to tell me this, you insane idiot?"

• • •

Comedy That Could Have Been:

I had intended to link to this column I read the other day, about how the new "reality movie" _The Real Cancun_ heralds the demise of the film industry, since studios will now start churning out these films (which cost next to nothing to produce and so are almost guaranteed to turn a handsome profit for a petty investment) in place of classier but more expensive, riskier fare.

The comedy portion of this was going to be that I would rant about T&A movies and wonder why people would watch a film with only partial nudity and no explicit sex, presented in a non-glossy "documentary" style, for the sexual content, instead of just cutting to the chase and renting pornographic videos and getting the Full Monty. (Not the film The Full Monty, by the way, but the Full Monty.)

I would then have presented a list of pornographic films compiled from an adult film website, with amusing titles like "75 Nurse Orgy" and "Blow Me Sandwich." In this way, I would have garnered some cheap laffs from the shocking cognitive dissonance of the pornographic films being taken out of context and discussed in a semi-serious manner in comparison to a mainstream Hollywood production. To further underscore the shock humor, I would have taken images of box covers from those adult videos and displayed them along with creatively enhanced descriptions of their storylines.

This would have been funny because of the scatalogical humor, but also thought-provoking in the point I would have made about the connection between R-rated titillation films and their hardcore counterparts, and why people who would be mortified to be spotted by acquaintances walking out of an X-rated video store at 2 a.m. with a copy of "Throat Gaggers #4" tucked under their arm, seem to find nothing untoward about plunking down $8.50 in broad daylight to watch an hour or so of scantily-clad women with insecurity issues baring their breasts in a poignant attempt at self-validation through the provocation of the male gaze by flaunting their sexual availability.

However, at the last minute I decided not to proceed with this entry, because the amount of effort required to create it seemed out of proportion to the potential comic impact and topicality of the subject.

• • •

I'm thinking about writing a novel. Hemingway said that young aspiring authors should write their first novel and then chuck it into the ocean. (Or something like that; if I'm too lazy to post a bunch of porn flick covers, do you think I'm going to go to the trouble of verifying a Hemingway quote I'm mentioning only in passing?) I've never written a novel, but I'd like to. So I'm thinking of starting one, and just slashing through it pell-mell with no consideration of quality or narrative sense, for the sheer satisfaction of having written a novel.

My novel would be a romantic adventure story spanning two continents and several decades, involving a tragic love triangle and many abductions by scary-looking henchmen working for a mysterioius, shadowy villain. It would be completely un-ironic and painfully earnest. It would also have a jungle whitewater chase on rubber boats.

Wow, I'm getting kind of excited just imagining it. I'd better do some more thinking on this.

• • •

I used to drink like a fish in my younger years, but as I've gotten older I've largely stopped imbibing, except for the occasional glass of wine. But I feel like a cliché: everybody drinks a lot when they're young and then tones it down later in life. Well, some people, anyway. Or, at the very least, they drank a lot as youths and continue on into middle age drinking heavily. Aren't there people, though, who were teetotalers as kids but start hitting the bottle hard in their 30's and 40's, but aren't alcoholics? I want to know who these people are, and interview them for a possible book on the subject, because I think it would make a great book.

• • •

I should probably get to sleep now, and wake up tomorrow hoping that I only dreamed I wrote a long-ass journal entry in which I typed the words "Throat Gaggers #4."

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: bitchquickly@yahoo.com
IP: 216.39.173.85
URL: http://n/a
DATE: 04/29/2003 12:18:39 PM
I actually do wish that mainstream movies did not have the type of sex scenes they have these days. It is to the point now that I'm surprised by a movie that does have fade-to-black and tries to maintain the romance of a particular scene by leaving the rest up to imagination.

I refuse to believe that watching actors slapping parts on screen is necessary to any plot. I rarely see a case where female or male nudity is relevant, either. Are there women and men who watch these scenes and get all hot and bothered? And, if so, doesn't that distract them from enjoying the movie?

To me, when I'm watching a movie, I'm getting to know the characters, I'm (hopefully, if it's a good movie) starting to care about them. So when they suddenly start having sex, it's like going to a friend's house to watch them fuck! I'm immediately uncomfortable, even grossed out. It jolts me out of the movie faster than a snap of the fingers.

With porn, or those amatuer tit flicks, at least you know what you're getting into - you are watching it for arousal, or to make fun of the stars, or maybe both. You don't give a shit about characters, you aren't involved in a plot, it doesn't seem like you are watching people that you know get it on.

Hell, it's even "cool" nowadays, so have at it.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B
EMAIL: b@bryanbyun.com
IP: 63.191.240.62
URL: http://www.bryanbyun.com/
DATE: 04/29/2003 01:21:17 PM
I agree, explicit sex scenes in movies are a drag -- at least, if you're trying to actually get into the movie. As soon as the clothes come off, you're no longer thinking about the characters or story, but rather "Hey -- that's Nicole Kidman's nipple!"

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 65.148.125.60
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 04/30/2003 08:00:36 AM
Do you still know the chemical formula to that weird ingredient in the Dune novels?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.187.240.155
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 04/30/2003 09:22:22 AM
Yes. Yes I do.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.27.71.22
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 04/30/2003 10:54:57 PM
You should write it out! I miss seeing that thing written out all sprawled on a chalk board.

 

New Digs and a Long-Winded Post About Why I Hate Fiction Workshops
04/30/2003 03:39:05 AM

I know I vowed not to move this site over to Weirdsmobile, but practical considerations prevailed. Frankly, it was getting to be a pain in the ass (speaking for myself and a couple of other people I polled) cruising through the weblogs here and then jumping to the other site. That Quick Menu was a good idea, I think, but it does make you kind of lazy.

I initially meant to keep it over there because I didn't think I would be writing in it so often. I still intend to keep this more of a simple, basic "what's up with me" kind of weblog than the elaborate constructions my previous weblogs became, but I'm becoming addicted to dumping my evening's stray thoughts here like so much offal.



In other news, I think I'm gonna start my novel after all. When I woke up this morning, I didn't immediately hate the idea, unlike most ideas that sound good at 3 in the morning. However, I have to be careful to keep it nice and lightweight and bad, so I don't get hung up on petty considerations like "quality" and "compelling narrative."

Speaking of bad writing, we here at Weirdsmobile have officially launched the Fiction Bitch project. Like it says on the submissions page, the purpose of it is to provide a genuine, unbiased, brutally honest assessment of stories sent in my aspiring writers.

It sounds cruel, but as a veteran of several writing classes and workshops, I am so sick of the whole Writing Machine, the self-help industry that surrounds the practice of writing. Unless you luck into an exceptional class or a really good teacher, most of those workshops aren't good for much more than mutual support and some rudimentary skills training that you should have already absorbed anyway if you're trying to become a writer. Advanced workshops may be useful in helping talented, experienced writers hone their craft, but your garden variety classes won't turn a mediocre writer into Henry James. Or even P.D. James.

Up until a year or so ago, I maintained a site that focused heavily on writing and was all about encouraging aspiring authors. I met a few decent writers via that site, but I also heard from way too many people who had no talent whatsoever. They were great people, and they tackled the craft with sincerity and verve, but they couldn't write to save their lives. Many of them had friends and family who encouraged their writing, lavished them with praise, and pushed them to pursue writing as a career.

It broke my heart to see people engaged in such a futile quest. I don't want to sound mean; I'm not talking about so-so writers who might have developed into solid craftsmen with some dedicated mentoring. I'm talking about people who could barely grasp the concept of punctuation, or who could handle the mechanics of writing but had leaden imaginations that churned out acres of lifeless prose on unmarketable subjects. Nothing would ever turn these people into "real" writers, and I didn't want to be part of a system that encouraged people like that to keep on going. (Also, I'm not talking about people who write nonprofessionally as a hobby, but people with serious aspirations.)

So I no longer encourage or give advice to fellow aspiring writers. It's too depressing, and I have enough to deal with trying to polish my own literary turds into something worth reading. I now agree with something Harlan Ellison once said, which is that a true writer doesn't need encouragement -- a true writer is compelled to write by a power greater than any peer or writing professor, and if you're gonna make it, you'll make it no matter what because it's what you have to do.

Wow, long-winded post. The point is, I think Fiction Bitch could serve a useful purpose, as sort of an "Am I Hot or Not?" for writers. There are plenty of people who will give you friendly, gentle assessments of your writing, but not many who will impartially render detailed, scrupulously honest judgments.

Oh, and I am definitely not Fiction Bitch. If I were, I'd call the site Fiction Bastard. The Fiction Bitch is real and ready to tear into your precious words.

Say goodnight, Gracie.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 65.148.125.60
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 04/30/2003 07:59:29 AM
I hate those workshops mostly because I know I'm better than 99% of those losers!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.187.240.155
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 04/30/2003 09:23:54 AM
Yeah, but that's also what those guys are thinking while they're in the workshop!

 

Hump Day!!!!!
04/30/2003 09:40:02 AM

Yeeeahhhhh....



Uh! Uh!



God Damn!



Just a bit of nostalgia for the old school freaks...

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lydia
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.187.240.155
URL:
DATE: 04/30/2003 11:46:47 AM
Sick!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 66.252.228.57
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 04/30/2003 02:26:44 PM
Heehee!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.149.144.3
URL:
DATE: 04/30/2003 09:54:02 PM
I heart you!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.27.71.22
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 04/30/2003 10:53:21 PM
.....one has too much time on one's hands.....

 

Pan-Seared Weblogger Au Jus
05/01/2003 01:02:34 AM

I immediately thought of the Dilettante's fine restaurant reviews when I came across this Slate article on Menu English -- you know, "Maple Glazed Leg of Lamb with Rosemary Infused Mashed Potatoes" and that sort of florid, ingredient-packed language that's all over restaurant menus, at least in your classier joints.

Confession: I love Menu English. If I'm honest with myself, it's the real reason why I enjoy dining out -- all those menus filled with gorgeous, sensual descriptions of dishes I wouldn't dream of making at home. In fact, that's why it usually takes me fifteen minutes to figure out what I want. While my dining companion is deciding between beef or chicken, I'm wallowing in fantasies of what "Hazelnuts in Citrus Cream" and "Ginger-Mango Eggrolls" must taste like.

I'm especially a sucker for obscure ingredients. For instance, one evening I was dining at a semi-swank eatery with none other than the Dilettante himself, when I came across this dish -- actually, I can't even remember anymore what the main part of it was, maybe salmon or something, but the description promised a side of fried lotus. Lotus??? I had to try that -- after all, lotus isn't exactly something I buy on sale at Albertson's every week.

As I sort of expected, the lotus ended up tasting more or less like slightly dessicated squash. (B's First Rule of Pretentious Dining: obscure food is usually obscure for a reason.) Which just goes to show that the pleasure of reading a menu is in some ways preferable to the meal itself; actually eating the food is often (unless I'm really hungry) a letdown compared to the cascade of heavenly delights evoked by the menu, the exquisite agony of anticipating the delicacies to come. After all, there are only so many flavors the tongue can sense, but oh so many ways to get them there.

Also, Mr. Janson, check out this _sublime_ discussion of restaurant review clichés for some choice verbiage to keep on hand for your next review!

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lydia
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.187.243.225
URL:
DATE: 05/01/2003 01:12:20 AM
That's interesting. It explains a lot, because you always read the menu even if you get the same thing. Frankly, the level of my experimentation is trying the orange sauce instead of the lemon sauce.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 66.252.228.57
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 05/01/2003 06:04:44 AM
There's an Archie McPhee catalog sitting in front of me, and I think these folks need to go into the menu writing business. They're professionals at seductive language. I'd never dream of wanting a flamingo swizzle stick before now, but NOW...now I feel I may be facing a dating disaster if I try handing over a drink without one!

Imagine yourself mixing a stylish beverage for that certain someone. You add a bit of this and a splash of that, but now it's time to stir. What are your options? A spoon is cliche and a finger is downright uncivilized.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.27.66.165
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 05/02/2003 07:58:45 PM
The one cool, interesting thing about restaurant reviews is that they can often be written in the first person. Remember how in high school, the English teacher would fail you if you used the first person in an essay? BTW, B, you ought to check out the way frozen dinners are described on the boxes these days! Healthy Choice is a prime example of the bastardization of Menu English!!

 

They Just Don't Make Porn the Way They Used To
05/01/2003 03:56:48 AM

After two days, I still can't get the title "Throat Gaggers #4" out of my mind. It's not the "Throat Gaggers" part that bothers me -- it's the "#4." Because enough people out there saw this title and thought "Throat Gaggers? Yeahhh, I gotta have that!!!" to justify _three_ sequels. Jesus, even the guys who made The Matrix are calling it quits after #3.

When did porn become so crass? When I was a kid, the adult film industry at least had the decency to dress up their sordid scenarios with classy titles like "Swedish Erotica," so that while you were watching a pneumatic blonde perform simultaneous oral sex on a multiracial trio of flabby sailors, you could pretend you were watching a Scandinavian art film instead of a skeevy porn flick. ("I like what Bergman does with lighting and composition in the 'piledriver' sequence.") Now we have titles like "Bang My Teen Ass" that leave precious little to the imagination.

And whatever happened to the noble tradition of porno versions of mainstream movie titles? Like "Backside to the Future," "When Harry Ate Sally," "Sperms of Endearment," and my all-time favorite, "E.T.: The Extra-Testicle." They're not even trying anymore. Take a look at some of these titles I gleaned from a quick cruise by Adult DVD Empire:
100% Masturbations #1
Backseat Driver
Anal Excursions #3
Assiliciously Delicious
5 Guy Cream Pie

and of course...

5 Guy Cream Pie 2

...and two movies that are tied for the crown of World's Most Boorish Porn Flick Title:

Cum Dumpsters

and

Shut Up and Blow Me

That last one is a classic date movie.

On the plus side, I did see a listing for "Patriot Dames," so there may be some hope for the future of porn after all. I think we are due for a porn renaissance, a resurgence of artistic vision to the smut industry. And when it happens, I will be there in the front row, with one hand clapping.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 66.252.228.57
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 05/01/2003 05:55:00 AM
*gasp* Can't...breathe...after reading the last sentence. Bwaahahaha!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 66.137.13.252
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com
DATE: 05/01/2003 07:45:33 AM
A friend of mine worked a few few years back for a video rental place in NYC. I was visiting her at the store one night. A customer rented, among others, one of the films from "upstairs" -- a cheery little flick called something like "Anal Intrusions 3." My friend casually rang up his selections and as she was putting the movies in the bag, said: "Part Three, huh? I hope you've seen parts one and two, because otherwise, part three won't make a bit of sense." (wow, I think this comment reads like a dirty Reader's Digest joke. so sorry.)

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lydia
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.190.40.241
URL:
DATE: 05/01/2003 12:07:15 PM
Dr. Tofu, can't you see what a pervert Ranma is?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Miss Elle
EMAIL: misselle@rooba.net
IP: 216.119.9.21
URL: http://www.rooba.net/misselle
DATE: 05/01/2003 08:07:50 PM
You are a very funny man. I'm so glad you're back.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.190.40.241
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/01/2003 10:52:15 PM
Always happy to deliver the yuks!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: gene
EMAIL: spinward@hotmail.com
IP: 24.205.55.26
URL: http://www.somethingoutofnothing.net
DATE: 05/02/2003 01:19:27 AM
Last weekend in Phoenix I saw this DVD title: "More Value for your Jerk-off Sessions".

Swear to god. I didn't watch it, in case you're wondering. But I was thinking "man, there's a lot to be said for being direct".

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.190.40.241
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/02/2003 01:47:07 AM
That one takes the cake. I can't wait for the sequel, "Explicit Depictions of Sexual Acts for Masturbatory Purposes."

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.27.66.165
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 05/02/2003 07:54:20 PM
I'm confused by porn. It's just crap entertainment, but why is it so fascinating?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.81.197
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/03/2003 05:16:22 AM
I don't know about the rest of you guys, but for me it's the searing social commentary and the unsparing examination of the effects of capitalism on the working class, and the struggle of the modern proletariat in the 21st century set against the backdrop of American mainstream cinema. Oh, and the double penetrations, gotta love those.

 

Igby Goes Nowhere
05/01/2003 09:12:27 PM

Just caught Igby Goes Down on DVD. Or rather, about an hour of it, which is all I could stand. What a load of self-indulgent, pretentious twaddle -- this is Dude, Where's My Car? for the pseudointellectual set!

So, Igby (Kieran Culkin) is an angry, disaffected teenager alienated from his wealthy New York family: an abusive bitch of a mother (Susan Sarandon), a schizophrenic father (Bill Pullman), an older brother (Ryan Phillippe) who's an amoral snob, and a sleazy, avaricious godfather (Jeff Goldblum). Since the film wants desperately to be a Catcher in the Rye for the 2000s, we see Igby run the usual gauntlet of phony upper-class twits and assholes, commenting on them all with the requisite smartass sarcasm, before escaping into New York and taking up with an equally disaffected student (Claire Danes) and his godfather's kept woman (Amanda Peets) who, of course, is also disaffected.

Critics by and large seemed to like Igby, and it's not hard to see why -- writer-director Burr Steers practically bends over backwards courting the kind of ironic hipsters who will no doubt connect with the sullen, sarcastic title character, whose smug manner and constant stream of "witty" observations are sure to impress the kind of people who sit on park benches and make fun of passersby, while congratulating themselves for their superiority. This film is a two hour sneer. Amazingly, Kenneth "Wrong Way" Turan of the L.A. Times agrees with me on this one, saying:

God must love sullen, disaffected, whiny teenagers, he made so many of them. Or if not God, first-time writer-directors--who absolutely insist their films aren't autobiographical--certainly love tales of sensitive types disguised as impossible brats. Oh, the pain of being young and misunderstood. It's almost too much to bear.

What a tiresome kid, and what a tiresome movie! Perhaps a director with a more critical eye could have made Igby more palatable, but Steers is so obviously in love with his own cleverness that it's simply taken for granted that we'll be fascinated with the travails of this poor little rich boy. When you find yourself fantasizing about the entire cast being irradiated in a freak nuclear accident, you know you're not connecting with the film. If there's any lasting legacy of 9/11, I'm hoping it'll be the demise of movies where you're asked to care about the oh so tragic ennui of characters who have never known a day of real suffering in their lives.

Not that there's anything inherently offensive about tales of wealthy Manhattanites. Woody Allen's been mining that ground for decades with brilliant results, and Whit Stillman's Metropolitan, a film teeming with young, pretentious socialites, manages to humanize and elicit sympathy for its characters without pandering or affecting a snarkier-than-thou attitude. Metropolitan works where this film fails in that Stillman is very much aware of what shallow and meaningless lives his characters lead. He shows us the vulnerability behind these kids who have had it so easy that they don't know how to be the adults they aspire to become.

Igby makes some moves in that direction, but the film is so relentlessly glib, with its unending string of the kind of "quirky" dialogue never spoken by actual people, that eventually you're too tired of the movie showing you how knowing and hip it is to care much about the characters. It's like spending two hours with one of those vain, self-absorbed types who's always telling you stories about how they one-upped someone or how stupid everything is. After a while you realize that they're mostly trying to convince themselves that they're as superior as they try to appear.

There's a watchable movie in here somewhere, but I turned it off after an hour once it became clear where it was headed. The thing is, this coming-of-age, anti-authoritarian story is so hamfistedly derivative that eventually you have to ask yourself if it's worth sitting through the shoddy knockoff when you've already seen the vastly superior originals. The standard joke applies here: this movie was better the first time I saw it, when it was called The Graduate. It's shallow and masturbatory, confuses sarcasm with wit, and has nothing new to say.

Also, I didn't like it.

It's possible to make good movies on this theme. Wes Anderson has done it twice, with Rushmore and The Royal Tenenbaums. It's painfully evident that Burr Steers has seen all of these films, but, tragically, has failed to learn anything from them.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lydia
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.190.40.241
URL:
DATE: 05/02/2003 12:32:52 AM

Yeah, good call. I just could not find a character in this movie that I liked. I couldn't identify with or care about the Igby character so it made watching all his self-indulgent activity that much harder. I don't see it as the fault of the Culkin kid - I think he was really trying. It's just the dialog and the pacing. Plus, zero chemistry between him and Claire Danes, and since he still looks to be about 12 years old, it gives sex scenes a little extra touch of creepy. I really enjoyed Amanda Peet's performance, though. I haven't seen her in much (the only other thing I recall her in is Identity, but she definitely has presence.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.190.40.241
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/02/2003 12:40:39 AM
That's the tragic thing about the movie -- the performances were great! I even liked Ryan Phillippe. The actors probably signed onto this because it's a character study with lots of "actorly" moments...but the script sucks and the editing choices are bizarre. The movie's especially bad when it tries to be actively funny, because you can feel the strain as a director with no grasp of humor (but who probably thinks he's hilarious) shoves the "comedy" in your face.

When you have a movie where a snotty, sullen kid manages to hook up with two beautiful older women by basically insulting them, you know you're in the grip of somebody's wish fulfillment fantasies.

 

Asperger Syndrome Comix
05/01/2003 11:48:48 PM

 

Life In These United States
05/02/2003 12:19:04 AM

- - - Comments - - -

 

A Supermarket Moment
05/02/2003 01:36:26 AM

I was at the grocery store yesterday, standing at the register as the cashier rang up my 12-packs of Coke and Canada Dry Ginger Ale (two for $3.99 with your QFC Advantage Card), box of Drumsticks and pint of Dreamery ice cream (I'm training for the Olympics), when she (the cashier) turned and asked me if I had my QFC Advantage Card.

I said "Yeah," and handed her the card. For some reason she found this absolutely hilarious, and burst into laughter as if I'd made a joke! I stood there thinking, "Did she think I said something else...something funny? Did I really even say 'Yeah,' after all? Maybe I said 'Yeah' in a funny way, like Barry White...'Yeahhhhh....' She's kinda cute...what if I actually said something like 'gimme a price check on making sweet love to you, foxy QFC mama' and then retroactively revised my memories, like what happens with stroke victims sometimes? I remember reading something in Discover about retroactive memory erasure...oh shit, do I have something on my shirt? On my nose? Did I forget to put on pants? Is my fly open? She can't even see my fly...don't look down, you dork! Maybe she's stoned...that's it...."

She never explained the laughter, nor did I ask. I swiped my debit card, accepted the receipt and groceries, and drove home, pondering this Supermarket Moment. Many years later, as I watched my grandsons herding cattle from the front porch of my ranch in Montana, I would recall this day and wonder, for the thousandth time, what could possibly have set off that mysterious gale of laughter. The cashier worked at QFC for another three years, eventually married and moved to St. Louis, where she bore two blonde children and lived a life of quiet contentment until she passed away at the age of 67.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: cato
EMAIL: jandia@total.net
IP: 64.10.99.205
URL:
DATE: 05/02/2003 08:53:03 AM
Thought you might enjoy following! Regards: cato
Same Difference Part 1

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.81.197
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/02/2003 09:04:36 AM
That is totally awesome! I made the above link clickable -- check it out, it's good stuff. So is pho!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Bill
EMAIL: bill@billbarol.com
IP: 68.65.201.107
URL: http://www.billbarol.com/blather
DATE: 05/02/2003 10:58:26 AM
this is a hilarious deconstruction of one of those "whaaaat?" moments we all have every day, sometimes as many as eight or nine dozen a day in some cases, not mine of course, ah ha ha ha, because boy would that be debilitating or what? standing there at the cash wrap in the local piggly wiggly or stop 'n' shop, just staring into space and trying desperately to account for the vaguely off-kilter feel of your life, or even over at the doomtown bowl-a-drome on league nights, where that guy who sprays the shoes likes to look at you kinda funny, like he's got it so great. what does he do all day? spray shoes and pat at his combover, that's what. jackass. I gotta go.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.81.197
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/02/2003 11:02:43 AM
I know that bowling shoe guy. That motherfucker...let's kick his ass!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Bill
EMAIL: bill@billbarol.com
IP: 68.65.201.107
URL: http://www.billbarol.com/blather
DATE: 05/02/2003 11:35:51 AM
he's wiry, though. and I think he was in 'nam. that would explain the thousand-yard stare, although of course it could be also shoe-spray fumes.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.81.197
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/02/2003 12:02:10 PM
I'll get on my hands and knees behind him, and you shove him from the front. If that doesn't work, we'll play pattycake in front of him and then, while he's mesmerized by our hand motions, we'll punch him in unison! Nyuk-nyuk!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Bill
EMAIL: bill@billbarol.com
IP: 68.65.201.107
URL: http://www.billbarol.com/blather
DATE: 05/02/2003 12:27:29 PM
" ...and then it's time to kick some back."
-- homer simpson

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.27.66.165
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 05/02/2003 07:51:57 PM
You probably had a funny expression on your face. Hey, remember the time you got pissed off at me for calling you late one night because some cashier was mean to me?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.81.197
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/03/2003 04:21:33 AM
I still can't believe you did that. And she wasn't even that mean, the way you told it -- just sorta brusque! Sheesh!

 

Good Stuff
05/02/2003 10:57:43 AM

Thanks to Cato for the link to this brilliant web comic, Same Difference, although I now want to kick Cato's ass for making me feel something this early on a Friday morning.

The great thing about coming in on a series late is that you don't suffer the agonizing wait between fixes -- you get the instant gratification of taking in the whole thing in one gigantic, orgasmatronic blast. (This is why I purposely avoided Buffy the Vampire Slayer until it came out in full-season DVD sets!) The sucky thing is that it's all over much too quickly.

I finished Same Difference in one sitting this morning, and oh wow. I remember back in college in Wisconsin when the guy at Capitol City Comics casually recommended that I check out Love & Rockets. I read one issue, flipped out, and started scouring the city for every issue I could get my hands on. Same Difference grabbed me in just that way.

It reminds me not only of L&R but also a little bit of Optic Nerve and Dan Clowes's Ghost World collection, except not as cynical or angsty as those comics can be. Derek Kim is the real thing, a fantastic artist and great visual storyteller. I look forward to seeing what he comes up with next.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go wallow in poignant melancholy for the rest of the day.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Faithy
EMAIL: me@bitterchick.net
IP: 66.127.52.247
URL:
DATE: 05/02/2003 10:15:15 PM
Yay AB! You're back! Let's party like it's 2001!!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.81.197
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/03/2003 04:19:11 AM
Heck yeah, let's party! But no photos -- I don't need Boykani IMing pix of my dorky ass to half the Internet!

 

¡Dos Equis es Mas Macho!
05/03/2003 03:59:15 AM

Yesterday I went to see X2, or as I now prefer to call it, X "Fucking A" 2. Holy crap, this was good. When the original X-Men came out in 2000, it raised the bar for superhero movies to a whole new level, and legitimized the genre as more than just matinee fodder for teenaged dorks. Bryan Singer's X-Men proved that superhero flicks didn't have to be just a bunch of guys in tights tossing buses around. These films could function legitimately as character studies, could make political statements. And kick some ass at the same time.

X "Fucking A" 2 has just raised the bar again. Matrix Reloaded and The Hulk stand a fair chance of meeting (or exceeding) this high water mark, but as of right now, this is the new standard, the movie to beat.

Now, having said that...if you hated the first movie, don't bother with this one, because it's basically got everything fans loved about the original, with almost none of the stuff they hated. If you hate comics, you might still enjoy this. If you love comics, you'll be blown away. And if you love X-Men comics, they'll have to scrape you off the frickin' ceiling after the lights come up. X-Freaks couldn't ask for better treatment than Singer gives the beloved mutants in this installment.

I'm actually not an X-Men fan. In fact, I wasn't into superhero comics at all past age eleven, and I'd just chuckle indulgently when I'd hang out in Mark Woo-Sam's room and he'd be geeking out over Rogue and Wolverine and trying to explain the greatness of the "Dark Phoenix Saga" (whatever!) and whether Chris Claremont was a better artist than blah blah blah. So I figure, if a casual viewer like me can fall for this film, I can't imagine what a True Fan's gonna think.

(Actually, beyond a certain point of fandom you lose the ability to appreciate anything, so I'm not talking about your seriously Extreme Fan, but the type of fan who still has the capacity to enjoy the object of his obsession. Extreme Fans will probably be whining about how the characters aren't exactly like in the comics, or, I dunno, be disappointed that Galactus didn't fly down and scream "I AM GALACTUS, DEVOURER OF WORLDS!!!" But the rest of you guys will fucking love this movie.)

It's a great time to be a geek. Remember when the best we could hope for was that Dolph Lundgren wouldn't suck too badly as The Punisher, and we had to scrounge around to locate a crappy VHS bootleg of the low-budget stinker adaptation of Fantastic Four? Now we've got real directors taking on this material with blockbuster budgets and state of the art special FX...and taking it all seriously! Respecting the originals! I mean, imagine that. And unlike those Batman atrocities, these movies are being made by someone with a genuine love of the comic book form and the ability to shape good scripts into tight, polished visual storytelling.

The less you know about the plot, the better, and it has nothing to do with the greatness of this movie, so I won't bother with a synopsis. Suffice it to say that the performances are stellar -- and I don't just mean the main stars (of course Ian McKellan and Patrick Stewart are good, that goes without saying), but the secondary actors who don't get enough credit for the success of films like this. The minor characters are rendered with subtlety and believability, and are crucial in selling the film -- which, let's face it, has a pretty outlandish premise -- to a mainstream audience.

Probably my favorite thing about X "Fucking A" 2 is the almost touching camaraderie between Magneto and his curvy sidekick Mystique. There's a priceless scene where they're sitting in the rear of the X-Plane, goofing off and making wisecracks like two juvenile delinquents holding court at the back of the schoolbus. It's to Singer's (and the actors') credit that the villains of this film aren't portrayed in the standard "cackling sociopathic madman" mode, but instead as outsiders with a sense of loyalty and honor all their own. This isn't just a gang of evildoers -- it's a family, and one that in a weird way is actually less dysfunctional than the good guys!

Magneto is a complex dude, someone with interesting complications and multi-layered motivations. You can understand the lure of the Dark Side he represents, and what's more, you can understand why these villains are so dedicated to their side of the struggle. When Magneto is luring young Pyro into the fold, he asks the kid, "What's your name?" and the kid says, "John," and Magneto shakes his head and says, "What's your real name?" You see the kid's eyes light up -- it's the first time anyone has treated his power as a gift rather than something to be ashamed of. It makes you think about how often in movies bad guys are presented as having either the most simplistic of motives (greed) or simply enjoy evil for the sake of evil. Magneto isn't evil...he's Bad, and he makes you understand the difference.

The other cool thing about this film is that the struggle for acceptance the mutants face is one that many of us can relate to in our regular lives. Like how one young mutant's revelation of his powers to his family is depicted pretty straightforwardly as a gay "coming out" story. And of course in the way the persecution of mutants in the film parallels so many other instances of bigotry and genocidal actions throughout history.

Another example: I had a lengthy conversation with Lydia earlier about Asperger Syndrome (which I have), in the course of which I pointed out that AS is viewed automatically and unquestioningly by the mental health community as an "incurable illness" that demands treatment, ignoring the fact that there are actually some potential advantages to having AS. In the course of ranting about how it's the "normal" population that needs to get its values straight instead of treating AS types like freaks, I realized that I was basically expressing Magneto's position regarding mutants and normals! (Which disturbed me on a couple of levels...I mean, not only am I revealed as an übergeek who models himself after comic book characters, but as it turns out I'm one of the bad guys.)

Yes folks, I am the Magneto of Asperger Syndrome. In fact, I even have a close female friend and confidante who has AS and, like Mystique, has the uncanny ability to shapeshift into a seemingly normal person readily accepted into all levels of society. (Plus, she's hot.) So now all I need on my team is a guy who can stick to walls and a groovy Asian chick with blades for fingernails and I'm all set for world domination.

But I digress.

Where was I? Oh yeah. X "Fucking A" 2, at a theater near you. See it now.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 05/03/2003 05:48:05 AM
That was indeed a great movie.

But about Asperger Syndrome: According to the diagnostic criteria on the page you linked, I may have Asperger Syndrome. Except for "failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level" though, I have no problem with those symptoms.

The symptoms seem so common that the term 'syndrome' seems to be misused here. Half of all nerds probably have it.

Since the dictionary definition of 'syndrome' states that it's just a set of symptoms, I guess that's a perfectly correct usage of the term, after all, in spite of the popular connotations of it.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.190.41.243
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/03/2003 12:02:00 PM
I think that when you look at those symptoms, you have to note the key words, like "marked impairments" and "lack of social or emotional reciprocity." As you suggest, the symptoms noted in the diagnostic criteria are fairly common, but in Asperger Syndrome they're present to a degree that "causes clinically significant impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning." We're not talking about garden variety nerdiness, but behavior that is taken to an extreme that threatens your ability to function in society.

In other words, everyone gets the blues, but when you don't leave your bed for three days, that's depression.

The thing that's really frustrating about something like Asperger is that, like Attention Deficit Disorder, it becomes the Disease of the Week and suddenly it's almost trendy to have it. And the diagnostic criteria are just flexible enough that, as you point out above, practically anyone can claim to fit the description. So if you genuinely believe you have this condition, you're met with this wall of skepticism by people who automatically assume you're a hypochondriac.

Which is understandable, frankly. Flip through the book American Normal by Lawrence Osborne, one of the best non-clinical books on AS out there, and you'll find this whole fucking subculture of Asperger wanna-bes who are practically desperate to diagnose their kids and themselves with AS precisely because people with AS have a reputation for being eccentric brainiacs. They gather together (Warning bell #1: people with AS do not "gather." The whole point of AS is that you can't deal with people. Any genuine AS conference would look like this: an empty room.) in these conferences where they engage in that kind of smug banter where you flatter yourself by complaining about "problems" that make you look good: "Tommy's having such a difficult time in class because the other kids resent his precocious writing skills!"

These people suffer from a syndrome, all right -- Girl, Interrupted Syndrome, in which you overdramatize, exaggerate, or actively feign a mental condition because it makes you "different" and "special," and nothing legitimizes self-absorbed vanity like a doctor-certified illness.

I guess that's one of the few glaring flaws in X "Fucking A" 2 -- we only see "normals" who fear and hate mutants. In the real world, there'd be throngs of people claiming to be mutants and holding big Mutant Conferences where they'd commiserate about the oh so unbearable burden of possessing uncanny powers. Iceman's mom, for example, far from being ashamed of the kid's ability, would be on the phone in an instant calling all of her friends to make sure they knew about her "special" son.

Well, one of the symptoms of AS is not being able to leave a subject alone, so I'll courageously overcome my debilitating condition and stop talking about it. Let me just say this, though (ha ha): Asperger wanna-bes piss off! Go join the ADD bandwagon instead -- the drugs are better.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.190.41.243
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/03/2003 12:32:50 PM
Sorry, I couldn't leave it alone after all. Although the Asperger bit was just a digression from my movie review, while we're on the subject let me explain my position on AS.

I'm not saying that Asperger Syndrome doesn't have serious negative consequences on a person's functioning in society, and certainly there are many people with Asperger for whom it's a painful and unwanted condition. I'm glad the mental health professionals have recognized this condition and are developing ways to better identify and treat it. I suspect I would have had a much happier childhood had there been an awareness of AS back then.

What bothers me is the fact that the negative consequences of Asperger are, for the most part, social. Why is AS bad? Because other people have a problem with it. For many people who "suffer" from AS, the only unhappiness comes from the fact that other people view your behavior as "maladjusted." You'd rather spend the weekend reading the complete works of Poe than going to a party? Hmm, there's obviously something wrong with you. Can't make small talk? Antisocial freak!

To which I say, "fuck off!" Why isn't there a disease for people who have a pathological need to socialize? (There may well be one, actually...I haven't read the DSM in a while....) I don't see how being a loner is any more sick than not being able to spend five minutes by yourself.

My message for America: Asperger Freedom Now! Y'know, maybe if there were some device that would turn all the normals into Asperger people, they'dunderstand what it's like. Hmmm....

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 05/04/2003 01:33:30 AM
I used to think that there was absolutely no problem with being a loner, especially in contrast to being socially dependent.

But because very few loners are complete hermits and occasionally see someone with which they would like to socialize, their atrophied ability to do so (a result of following their natural instincts) is a real detriment.

That of course, like you said, does not make it a disease, just a side effect of a preference, like maladjusted socially-dependent people not being able to enjoy doing things on their own.

Yeah - those normals! Why should they dictate how we live when it is we who are stronger! We who are not socially-dependent. They are the ones who are socially-dependent...and weak! Not us! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.190.41.243
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/04/2003 01:42:17 AM
Yeah, see? You know the score! Frickin' sociables. Hehe.

Seriously...I don't want to sound too utopian. The whole "social maladjustment" issue is definitely a problem, that's just how it is in this world. I guess I'm just bemoaning the ugly facts of life. If there weren't so much pressure in our culture to be gregarious, maybe being a loner wouldn't be such an ordeal?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 66.167.171.50
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 05/04/2003 11:21:02 AM
X "Fucking A" 2. Oh yeah. I really liked this movie, for the reasons you mention and of course, Nightcrawler.

Asperger sounds disturbingly like "assburger".

I find all this talk of Asperger's Syndrome interesting. Not sure what to elaborate on that, but it's pretty cool that you're the Magneto of Asperger's.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.240.29
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/04/2003 11:52:36 AM
...or did you mean the Magneto of Assburgers?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 05/04/2003 04:45:45 PM
Hmmmm...I don't have blades for fingernails and I'm not Asian, but have the uncanny ability to remember the names of movie stars. Can I join your mutant crew?

X "Fucking A" 2 is the greatest.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Professor B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.240.29
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/04/2003 04:59:47 PM
Why not - you already have a cool mutant name.

"Who was that guy who played the Nihilist with the weasel in 'The Big Lebowski'?"

"Ronnineko! Suit up!"

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Faithy
EMAIL: me@bitterchick.net
IP: 67.119.12.73
URL:
DATE: 05/04/2003 08:28:12 PM
I just heard at work today that X "fucking A" 2 is 2hrs and 50mins. Good lord. Perhaps I am deprived of a trailer but I'm not too interested in seeing it... hmm

I guess Matrix II has gots a lot to top huh??

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.240.29
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/04/2003 10:42:50 PM
I think it's actually 2 hrs and 15 mins. But it sure doesn't seem like it! Well, not much, anyway.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 66.252.228.51
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 05/05/2003 09:55:02 AM
After getting 3 hours of sleep and attending the 9:30 showing, it felt like a loooong time. Not that it was boring, mind you, but I was tired and trying to prop my eyelids open with toothpicks. I'd suggest getting a good night's sleep before going to see X "Fucking A" 2.

Magneto of Assburgers = Sir Mix-A-Lot.

 

Like Melrose Place, But With Comix
05/03/2003 05:03:20 AM

onfidential to Boykani: If I'm the Aaron Spelling of the Internet, then you my friend are the Steve Perry of weblogging. I'll keep churning out the websites if you keep writing power ballads about the neighborhood hottie. "Ohh, Sherrie...I'm in love...hold on...hold on...."

 

I'm Keeping Farmer's Hours
05/04/2003 04:42:00 AM

Up at the crack of dawn, a quick supper at sundown and then off to the Land of Nod, yessir, that's the way to keep you in good stead with the Lord, don't you know.

Yeah, right. Good night Gracie, see you at noon.

Anybody got some Ambien they're not using?

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 66.167.171.50
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 05/04/2003 11:21:58 AM
Moooooooo!

 

Sin City Saint
05/04/2003 04:17:39 PM

Yet another holier-than-thou Guardian of Virtue is revealed as nothing more than a pompous hypocrite. Self-appointed Morality Czar Bill Bennett apparently has a taste for high-stakes gambling, which he feels is A-OK in his (personalized edition of the) Book of Right and Wrong: "if you can't handle it, don't do it," sniffs the redoubtable basher of moral relativism, of the industry which destroys millions of lives and turns working-class neighborhoods into trashy cesspools, and which his own Empower America organization accused of "pollut[ing] our society with a slot machine on every corner."

That's it -- I'm devoting the rest of my life to being a moral crusader and cleansing the world of sin and vice. These guys party harder than rock stars!

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 64.152.232.120
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com
DATE: 05/05/2003 03:58:50 PM
What a schmuck! Rule number one of Morality Management: don't get caught with your pants (or chips) down.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: bunnieskill333@aol.com
IP: 209.36.27.8
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 05/06/2003 01:08:12 PM
Gluttony is another vice that the "virtuecrats" like to ignore. Look how many of them are grossly fat!

 

AmusingDomainName.com
05/04/2003 05:29:48 PM

Still available:

DahmersDiner.com
PoorSpeler.com
UnabomberForPresident.com
ResentfulMiddleChild.com
PissWarmBeer.com
RepressedGayHomophobe.com
WomenWithClothesOn.com
JollyDiabetic.com
CrackHousesForRent.com
DeviantsForChrist.com
MakeMoneySlowly.com
InsecureGirlsGoneWild.com
DentistsWithParkinsons.com
AssburgerSyndrome.com

...and for fans of other domain extensions:

StubbedMyToe.org
Dolphin-Lovers.net
StopChainEmail.cc

Oh, the fun you can have on a Sunday afternoon!

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: bunnieskill333@aol.com
IP: 64.252.17.123
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 05/05/2003 07:47:38 AM
dotcom.com!!!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 66.252.228.51
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 05/05/2003 09:55:58 AM
DentistsWithParkinsons.com - oh my. :-D

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Bill
EMAIL: mrwhiskers@babemonster.com
IP: 66.237.1.90
URL: http://www.babemonster.com
DATE: 05/05/2003 01:36:35 PM
I'm still deciding between jackofflantern.com or vagina-birdcage.com

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 64.152.232.120
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com
DATE: 05/05/2003 04:03:19 PM
AmishSingles.com is taken. Confusing.

 

Brain No Work
05/06/2003 02:59:23 AM

I've been a bit of a mess the past couple of days. I don't know if it's that I've been forgetting to take my Wellbutrin, or long-term effects of my chronic insomnia, but I'm having a heck of a time getting my head together. I started two weblog entries, one on deviled eggs and one on decluttering, but both sort of dissolved into crumbs of inarticulate garble. Which is too bad, because the deviled egg entry in particular would have been quite informative. Is there a word for blogging about things you were going to blog about, but didn't? Quasi-metablogging? Meta-quasiblogging?

And now it's time for...


DAYSLEEPER

Slattery burst into the Temporal Control Room and aimed his ion pistol at a spot just between the eyebrows of the Time Lord. "Sic semper tyrannis!" Slattery screamed as his finger tensed on the trigger.

"Wait!" the Time Lord cried, his hands raised in alarm. "Why are you doing this?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Slattery snarled. "You keep our people in slavery, without control over our own lives!"

"What are you talking about?" the Time Lord protested. "All I do is enforce our law, which is that all citizens must spend 12 hours of each day in cryogenic suspension. We created this law because of rampant overpopulation. This way, half of our people enjoy the benefits of our society at any one time, thus making efficient use of valuable living space and resources!"

"Pfah!" Slattery spat. "Lovely words, Time Tyrant -- and a convenient excuse to steal half of our lives -- the half we spend rotting in those damned cryo tanks!"

"But your body is perfectly preserved while in the cryogenic storage capsule," the Time Lord replied. "You don't age at all in cryo sleep...so effectively, we're actually doubling your lives by spreading your total life expectancy over twice the usual number of years."

Slattery pondered this for a moment. "Oh...yeah, you're right," he mumbled, frowning. "I hadn't thought of it that way before. Sorry -- my bad."

"Don't worry about it, my good chap!" grinned the Time Lord, whose real name was Bill Evans.

THE END

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: bunnieskill333@aol.com
IP: 64.252.17.123
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 05/06/2003 04:11:55 AM
Jeezus, that's funny!

But would you still write about the deviled eggs? I really like deviled eggs.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rengirl
EMAIL: imac@pixelsensei.com
IP: 12.22.65.5
URL:
DATE: 05/06/2003 11:23:19 AM
I concur - more deviled eggs posts!

----- COMMENT:

AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.65.62
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/06/2003 11:30:18 AM
I give you people classic science fiction, and all you ask for is deviled eggs?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Bill
EMAIL: bill@billbarol.com
IP: 68.65.201.107
URL: http://www.billbarol.com/blather
DATE: 05/06/2003 02:43:31 PM
I enjoy classic science fiction as much as the next guy. But deviled eggs... mmmm, they're tasty. (Oh yeah, also: "Daysleeper" is hilarious.)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lydia
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.190.40.26
URL:
DATE: 05/07/2003 12:53:29 AM
Well, really Bill has a point. I mean, he doesn't have your advantage and long life - he has to stay around and make sure everything is running smoothly, so I say cut the guy some slack and get back in your cryo-tube!

Just be glad that you can live your day to day existence without any pain, or having to give up the woman you love just because you are the Time Lord and she must, for the good of society, live an unnaturally prolonged life that you... that you... *choke*.... that you are fated never to be able to join her in! I mean, what are your problems compared to something like that? Huh?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.190.40.26
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/07/2003 02:46:23 AM
I feel so bad for Bill now...damn.

 

Deviled Eggs Are Your Friends
05/07/2003 01:59:08 AM

Mmm, deviled eggs. So aptly named, because they are, indeed, eggs. So smooth and creamy on the tongue, the rich blend of mayonnaise and egg yolk bathing your arteries in luxurious swath of cholesterol. Go ahead, have another. That's it -- down the hatch. Don't worry, there's plenty. An hour from now, you'll be giving yourself a Kaopectate enema, but right now, you're in egg heaven.

Some fun facts about deviled eggs:

• The word "deviled" is derived from the French cooking term diable, used to describe foods containing mustard (a common ingredient in deviled egg recipes). "Deviled" usually describes food that is made with spicy seasonings, like mustard or hot pepper, and often deviled eggs will be sprinkled with paprika or cayenne pepper.

• According to the Dictionary of American Food and Drink, the term "deviled" first appeared in 1786, but deviled eggs and other deviled foods didn't become popular in the United States until the 1800s.

• When making deviled eggs, make sure the eggs are about a week old -- older eggs are easier to peel than fresh.

• To center the yolks in the eggs (so the eggs halve evenly when you slice them), turn the egg carton on its side the night before boiling them.

• To make the eggs sit firmly on the plate, cut a little sliver of egg white off the bottoms.

• A neat way to fill the eggs: put all the filling ingredients in a sealable plastic sandwich bag (like a Ziploc). Knead the bag until the contents are well blended. Push the contents into one corner of the bag. Cut a small corner off of the bag and gently squeeze the contents into the egg whites.

A basic deviled egg recipe:

BASIC DEVILED EGG RECIPE

6 eggs
1/4 cup mayonnaise
2 tablespoons mustard
3 tablespoons pickle relish,
lemon juice or cider vinegar
salt and pepper

1. Hard boil the eggs, cool immediately, then peel.

2. Cut eggs in half lengthwise and remove the yolks. Combine yolks with mayonnaise, mustard and pickle relish (or lemon juice or cider vinegar) until mixture has a creamy texture.

3. Season to taste with salt and pepper. Fill the cavity of the whites with the yolk mixture, cover and refrigerate.

My preferred variation on this basic recipe is to use finely chopped onion in place of pickle relish, but that's just me, the onion-lovin' fool. One common variation is to mix a half-teaspoon or so of curry powder into the yolk mixture, although I've never tried this. Some people also garnish the eggs with paprika, cayenne pepper, or scallions.

For the more decadent among you, here's an interesting deviled egg recipe that uses caviar:

DEVILED EGGS WITH CAVIAR

12 large eggs
3 medium shallots, minced
2 tablespoons butter
1/2 cup sour cream
1/3 cup mayonnaise
1 1/4 teaspoons salt
1/8 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/4 cup finely chopped fresh chives
Finely grated zest of 3 lemons
3 tablespoons red caviar, well chilled

1. Hard-boil the eggs, cool immediately, then peel.

2. Cut eggs in half lengthwise. Cover and chill yolks and whites separately for 1 hour.

3. Saute the shallots in the butter in a medium skillet over medium-high heat until soft, about 2 minutes. Set aside. In a bowl, mash the yolks with a fork. Add sour cream and continue mashing until well blended. Add the mayonnaise, salt and cayenne. Whisk until blended. Whisk in the shallots.

4. Fill egg-white halves with yolk mixture, spreading the mixture over part of the top edge of the white. Generously sprinkle each deviled egg with chives, leaving a little yellow showing around the edges. Sprinkle each half with lemon zest. Cover and refrigerate. When ready to serve, spoon a bit of cold caviar onto each half. Serve well chilled. Makes 24 pieces.

Despite the longstanding reputation of deviled eggs as being cholesterol-packed death blobs, recent studies have shown that they're not all that bad for you after all. In fact, they may even be good for you. Here are just a few of the health benefits of deviled eggs:

• Give you lustrous, shiny hair and nails;

• Provide essential vitamins and minerals;

• Can be used as hand lotion in an emergency;

• Look really funny caked on your teeth at a party, making your date laugh -- and everyone knows funny is sexy;

• Will pick your mom up from the airport;

• If eaten in enough quantities, imparts rare glimpse of the true face of God;

• Will sleep with you if you're lonely, and not tell any of your friends afterwards.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lydia
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.190.40.26
URL:
DATE: 05/07/2003 02:03:13 AM
Man, this is making me hungry. Deviled eggs don't give me the gastrointestinal upset you seem to suffer. I probably couldn't eat a ton of them, but oh, what a lovely treat.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: bunnieskill333@aol.com
IP: 209.36.27.8
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 05/07/2003 07:00:21 AM
Deviled eggs are my favorite food, even though I have never prepared them myself. (I tried once, but I substituted that Colman's dried mustard, apparently in the wrong proportion, and the eggs were inedible.) I only eat them at the better picnics and parties. But it's better that way, because I wouldn't want them to become unspecial, like that one Peter Cetera song I played over and over and over.

If I ever get married, I'm going to serve deviled eggs at my wedding and eat them wearing ivory gloves.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 05/07/2003 12:50:13 PM
I thought they were called deviled eggs because they were originally produced by Satan. Like sin and Barry Manilow.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 66.252.228.57
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 05/07/2003 08:11:20 PM
Wow - and to think I pay for college when a wealth of learning such as this is available on demand, at my fingertips!

What I wouldn't give for a deviled egg right now. Damn that sounds good. Yumyumyum.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: bunnieskill333@aol.com
IP: 209.36.27.8
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 05/08/2003 06:22:45 AM
You know who's creepy? The guy on deviled ham.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.190.33.147
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/08/2003 08:20:45 AM
That guy is scary! He's like, "C'mon...eat this. Yeah, it's really ham...I promise..."

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.190.33.147
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/08/2003 08:21:48 AM
I guess Movable Type comments don't allow image tags, so see the scary deviled ham guy here.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.25.242.218
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 05/08/2003 11:12:46 PM
Thanks, B, but I'll pass. I can't eat deviled eggs without experiencing a gag reflex. Ugh! Even the thought of them....uh oh......

Gotta go!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.149.224.21
URL:
DATE: 05/09/2003 12:17:13 AM
two words for B = sooooo sexy! ;)

 

Why I Hate Seattle #4536
05/07/2003 02:57:44 AM

 

The Shatman Cometh
05/07/2003 09:59:05 PM

I was feeling kind of bummed tonight, and then I came across this Bill Shatner story at Roninneko. No comment needed; the story (especially the headline) speaks for itself. My favorite quote:

Marcy Lafferty Shatner claims in her civil lawsuit that her ex-husband broke an agreement in their 1995 divorce settlement that allowed her one breeding privilege per calendar year.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 05/08/2003 01:20:01 PM
I must warn the people at Salon never to put the phrase "horse semen" in a headline ever again unless they want me to pass out from laughter, possible injuring myself and the ones I love.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.25.242.218
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 05/08/2003 11:10:44 PM
Ah, I get it. Horses! I definitely had to do a double-take on that quote!

 

Everything Must Go
05/08/2003 10:57:55 AM

As part of my own decluttering effort, today I'm liquidating almost my entire CD collection. I've spent the past two days ripping them all to MP3, which is the only way that I listen to music anymore, anyway. My oldest disc: Bruce Springsteen's Born in the USA, which I bought sometime in the late 80's. I feel sad to lose it -- like I'm saying goodbye to one of my oldest friends. But that's nutty. CDs are not your friends! If anything, they're cluttering, materialism-promoting enemies! Death to CDs! Arggghhh!

In other news, I actually went to bed at 11pm last night, and fell asleep, waking up at the staggeringly early hour of 8am this morning. Could the dread spectre of insomnia have finally loosened its nerve-fraying grip upon my psyche? On the down side, I'm not seeing any huge benefit from waking up so damned early. Where's the burst of early-bird energy I was promised? Why don't I feel like vacuuming? I want answers, God.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 05/08/2003 11:54:43 AM
That's an extreme measure. What if your hard drive crashes?

And it probably doesn't hurt to keep one or two, like that Springsteen one. And ones with cool liner notes.

-----
COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.190.33.147
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/08/2003 01:18:21 PM
I keep a backup on another hard drive!

I am gonna hold on to a few that are either rare or have extreme sentimental value. I'm not really a liner note person so I am pitiless on that score.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.25.242.218
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 05/08/2003 11:09:25 PM
Wanna sleep better? Take Lexapro.

 

The Bitch is Back
05/09/2003 01:51:09 AM

The Fiction Bitch has landed. Come read the debut story, "Suspicion" by Leann Sweeney. Surprisingly, the FB actually kinda liked it.

 

The Dread Spectre of Insomnia Has Not Loosened Its Nerve-Fraying Grip On My Psyche
05/09/2003 04:19:40 AM

But you know, that's okay...really. I like the night. So quiet, so peaceful. I like watching my dogs sleeping, especially the puppy, who stepped in some dog pee earlier today, and is now curled up on my pillow. So cute, with her anus all pressed against the pillowcase where I lay my face every night. Doggies are such adorable little disease vectors!

Speaking of disease...just a couple weeks after my recovery from SARS (or possibly the common cold, but SARS is so much more fashionable), I find myself once again coming down with a mystery ailment. I now realize, to my chagrin, that my early slumber last night was due, not to a spiritual revitalization and renewed commitment to healthy self-discipline, but rather to the accelerated decrepitude of my body and imminent collapse of my immune system.

You know what...why fight it. That's it, I give up. Let the germs consume my flesh. Come on in, boys! No need to crowd, there's plenty of space!

Last night, as I drifted off to my first normal (or so I believed) slumber in weeks, I was briefly kept awake by a sudden, random series of loosely connected events from my distant past, a memory Valu-Pak that I will now relate to you as a story entitled...

A RANDOM SERIES OF LOOSELY CONNECTED EVENTS FROM MY DISTANT PAST

Spring, 1992. Madison, Wisconsin. I'm driving to the airport. I'm about to fly out East and visit "Gwendolyn," with whom I will spend four perverse and psyche-scarring months before our relationship dissolves in a puff of mutual indifference. As I drive past the Comm Arts building, I see someone I recognize, a girl I'll call "Svetlana" because I've always wanted to know a girl named Svetlana. As recognition hits me, I flash back...back...to....

Summer, 1991. Madison, Wisconsin. I'm sitting in Svetlana's dorm room, wearing a trench coat. It's raining outside. She offers me a beer. "No thanks," I say. I came over to drop off a CD I borrowed from her months before. (Vangelis. Yeah, I know.) I want to say something, but I'm so nervous that all I can do is sit there on her bed, making small talk. It's the first time I've ever been alone with her. I don't know what she's thinking. Does she want me to leave? I'm trapped in a haze. It's hard to believe that just a year ago, she and I were...were....

Fall, 1990. Madison, Wisconsin. I'm at a house party, drunk on enough Old Style to make me forget that I'm drinking Old Style. I'm in the kitchen, and I can't see anything but Svetlana's eyes, because they're about three inches away from mine. Her arms around my shoulders. Mine around her waist. Svetlana-rama! I'm mumbling something unintelligible to her, probably bathing her face in beer breath, but that's okay because the atmosphere in the house is 10% cheap beer fumes by this point. This is great, because....

Earlier That Fall, 1990. Madison, Wisconsin. This Svetlana chick is awesome -- I'm in love....

Fall, 1990. Madison, Wisconsin. Me. Svetlana. Beer. Arms. Svetlana. Eyes. Yes! But wait, what's wrong with this picture? Searching, searching...oh yeah --

Earlier That Fall, But A Couple of Weeks Later Than the Other Earlier That Fall, 1990. Madison, Wisconsin. My best friend "Alfred," to whom I've never confided my feelings for Svetlana, says to me, "Yup, Svetlana and I are 'official' now...."

Fall, 1990. Madison, Wisconsin. I'm standing in the kitchen of somebody's house, drunk off my ass, about to make out with this girl I'm in love with who also happens to be my best friend's girlfriend. Yes! I did it! I'm finally living the plot of a bad 80's teen comedy! At long last, I have achieved Anthony-Michael-Hall-itude! Later, as I puke my guts out in the bushes while Alfred and Svetlana are somewhere in Madison dry-humping on his couch, neither of them having a clue that they will break up scant weeks later, I reflect on the bitter irony of the situation, then realize that it's not really ironic at all, and that even though I'm an English major, I still don't use the word "ironic" properly, not unlike Winona Ryder in Reality Bites or Alanis Morissette's "Ironic," both of which, when I encounter them in the future, will remind me of this incident....

Spring, 1992. Madison, Wisconsin. I think about all these events, and then I remember what happened the year before, when....

Summer, 1991. Madison, Wisconsin. I decide to get out of her dorm room before I have a seizure or something. I make my awkward farewells and step out into the rain. Walk away, wet, crestfallen dork....

Spring, 2003. Seattle, Washington. As I lay in the dark, alone, I realize in a flash of inspiration exactly what I should have done and said that day in Svetlana's dorm room that would have caused her to fall into my arms in a rush of swooning passion. Twelve years too late, but oh well. Back to the reverie....

Spring, 1992. Madison, Wisconsin. Is it really Svetlana! Yes, it is! She's gained about 20 pounds and she looks like she hasn't slept in about a week, but it's still sweet, sweet Svetlana. She's lugging about a hundred suitcases on a dolly, not looking very happy. I should stop and give her a lift. But no -- I'm late for my plane! But it's Svetlana! Oh no, I'm at a crossroads! Do I stay, help Svetlana, and try to reconnect our disconnected connection? Or do I keep going, catch the plane, and make it to my appointment with Destiny? Sadly, I drive past, my hands tight on the steering wheel. Destiny, here I come!

Summer, 1992. Tampa, Florida. Gwendolyn glares up at me from between her ankles. "Well, are you going to hit me or not?"

This entry dedicated to Svetlana, wherever you are....

Memo to self: Remember to turn the pillow over before you go to bed.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BoyKani
EMAIL: darren_kani@yahoo.com
IP: 199.4.18.2
URL:
DATE: 05/09/2003 04:12:56 PM
I believe Journey's "Separate Ways" appropriately complements this story, B. But then you already know life is a Steve Perry song.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: gene
EMAIL: spinward@hotmail.com
IP: 24.205.55.26
URL: http://www.somethingoutofnothing.net
DATE: 05/11/2003 01:32:15 AM
You know, sometimes I don't know if you're kidding or sharing a deeply-regressed memory. Or both.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.72.22
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/11/2003 10:25:54 AM
The great thing about life is that it affords you so many opportunities to do both at the same time!

 

Monkey See, Monkey Blog
05/10/2003 12:16:20 AM

What happens when you have six monkeys type on a computer for a month? Total gibberish.

What happens when you give them another week? Why, naturally, they start a weblog.

Thanks to Blather for the link.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lydia
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.190.32.81
URL:
DATE: 05/10/2003 02:46:24 PM
Dang, who knows where those super-intelligent monkeys are now? I hope they post again so we know that they haven't escaped, at least. Boy, if the scientists ever find their blog, there's going to be hell to pay. Talk about getting Dooced!

 

Qu'vatlh!
05/10/2003 02:18:50 PM

From today's Oregonian: The Multnomah County Department of Human Services is looking for a Klingon interpreter. Why am I so very not surprised that this story would come out of Oregon, which leads the nation in the number of cars with "Starfleet Academy" window stickers? Also, why isn't this being handled by the Department of Alien Services?

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lydia
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.190.32.81
URL:
DATE: 05/10/2003 02:44:26 PM
I think this sets a precedent. I mean, I have heard stories where people in foreign lands did not speak each other's native language, but did have Klingon in common and could converse quite well. I thought that was pretty amazing. But I've never heard of it being legitimized like this. Considering how rare something like that is, what is this person going to be doing most of the time?

The linguist who invented Klingon is probably pretty stoked at how well it has caught on, though. Not even the Vulcan language has done this well (probably because it is so obviously based on Japanese instead of daring to be different).

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.25.243.170
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 05/12/2003 07:52:36 AM
The people who play Star Trel characters at Vegas' "Star Trek Experience" must go through some academy, too. The Klingon characters for example know the history of the various Klingon leaders from Kayless onward and can speak Klingon!!

 

Decluttering With Extreme Prejudice
05/11/2003 02:24:12 AM

Jim, if you're reading this, click away now, because this will horrify you. Emboldened by my merciless culling of my CD collection earlier in the week, yesterday I made yet another surprise sweep through the surviving discs -- except this time I wasn't in a charitable mood. I'm pleased to report that out of an original 300-400 CDs, I'm now down to fifteen (counting multi-disc sets as one). The only discs I kept, I kept purely for sentimental reasons (except for the sound effects CDs, which I kept because I was told I would be nuts to get rid of them). The fortunate survivors:

1. The Cure - Wish
2. The Cure - "This Twilight Garden"
3. The Cure - Kiss Me, Kiss Me, Kiss Me
4. Elvis Costello - Blood & Chocolate
5. Elvis Costello - King of America
6. New Order - "Regret"
7. Jesus & Mary Chain - "Reverence"
8. Don Ho - Greatest Hits
9. Burt Bacharach - The Look of Love Box Set
10. German Folk Songs
11. The Wedding Singer Soundtrack
12. The Smiths - The Queen is Dead
13-15. Various sound effects CDs

That's my entire CD collection! Of course, I now have about 35 gigabytes of MP3s on my hard drive (70 if you count the backups), but I'm only decluttering in the physical realm this time around.

The CDs, however, are small change compared to the other stuff I unloaded today. I got rid of no fewer than FOUR computers today. Not crapola PCs, mind you -- Apple computers. Until lately, I haven't been able to get rid of my old Macs when I've upgraded. It's just too painful. These are my friends! With a few exceptions, I've kept every Mac I've ever owned.

Until today.

Here's what I ditched. Apple fans, cover your eyes:

1. Apple IIc
2. Mac SE (not mine, actually, but I "disappeared" it for the owner)
3. Mac G3 All-in-One
4. Mac Quadra 640

The ones that were intact went to the St. Vincent de Paul thrift store, and the ones that I'd scavenged for parts over the years went into the dumpster. I still have a lingering "I can't believe I did that" tingle in the pit of my stomach, but otherwise I feel pretty good.

I also eviscerated the remains of my book collection, cutting my library down by another third or so. I originally wanted all of my possessions to fit into my car, but after today, I want all of my possessions to fit into the trunk of my car.

The decluttering process, for me, is very much a spiritual journey. I used to be a compulsive packrat, with years' worth of magazines and newspapers stacked in my closet along with cardboard boxes stuffed with cords, cables, and computer parts. As I shed all the "stuff," I find myself feeling lighter in my heart and less enslaved to material possessions. It's all about freedom and purification -- freedom from useless and superficial attachments, and the purification of the soul that follows.

A friend of mine who is also simplifying told me that her family was alarmed at her decluttering, because they were afraid she was suicidal and giving away all of her things in preparation for death. I think this illustrates how entrenched the materialist mindset is in our culture. You know you need to rethink your drink when you associate getting rid of junk with mental breakdown.

Once you make that decision to let go of Stuff, the act of decluttering becomes exhilarating. Truth be told, getting rid of those computers today was exciting. Afterward, I felt as if an enormous burden had been lifted from my shoulders, and I was reminded once again that material possessions carry more than just physical weight.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.169.63.238
URL:
DATE: 05/11/2003 03:41:08 PM
...it's not like you had so much crap that you've started storing stuff at your office (like that Apple IIe I have strategically hidden at mine)!!!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.187.233.150
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/11/2003 03:53:23 PM
Sickness!!! Freedom from Clutter Now!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 05/11/2003 05:14:11 PM
I used to do this with D&D characters that had too many magical, and it did indeed feel liberating.

But "in real life" decluttering, I'm still at the step where you pick up the CD cases off the floor and figure out where the CDs that are supposed to go in them are.

Ripping 350 CDs and encoding them to mp3: 5 minutes/CD X 350 = 1750 minutes (29.167 hours)?!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 05/11/2003 05:15:05 PM
"magical items" that is. Only thing worse than publicly mentioning "magical items" is correcting your mention of them.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.232.108
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/12/2003 07:28:20 AM
It's funny you mention D&D, because I noticed this decluttering philosophy spreading into the way I play computer games. When playing D&D type games, I used to collect every single trinket and magic item I found, often making multiple trips out of the dungeon and into the nearest village to sell it off and come back for more. Nowadays, I just zoom through the dungeons and only pick up the good stuff, leaving the mana potions and +1 daggers to the goblins!

Oh, and just to clarify...I didn't get rid of 350 CDs in one go. That's about what I started out with when I was at the height of my packrat days. I was never a major music collector, but I was a compulsive CD buyer, if that makes any sense.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.25.243.170
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 05/12/2003 07:50:11 AM
You got rid of the Smiths' "The Queen Is Dead"?!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.232.108
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/12/2003 08:11:30 AM
What?? No way! Oh, I mistakenly left it off my list. I'll correct the entry accordingly. No way would I get rid of that CD -- I want to be buried with it clutched to my chest.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR:
EMAIL:
IP: 202.156.2.130
URL:
DATE: 10/12/2004 09:46:44 AM
hey just when i was wondering how i should dejunk the rest of my CD collection - i already cleared out a good deal of discs last year. i should get a top 10 list as well..

 

The Adrian Tomine Experience
05/12/2003 08:07:59 AM

I've been meaning to blog about this for months, and now that I remember to do so, I've forgotten all the relevant details. Oh well. But here it is, for what it's worth:

A few months ago, the Dilettante was in town, and I ushered him through the standard One Day Downtown Seattle Tour (Public Market/Space Needle/Experience Music Project). During the day we ducked into the Elliott Bay Book Company as part of this nefarious scheme of Kevin's which is better left untold.

I was astounded to discover, just as we were leaving, in fact, that none other than Adrian Tomine, author of the amazing comic book Optic Nerve, was scheduled to do an appearance that very day!

So I dragged Kevin back into the store -- the poor guy had never heard of Tomine, and had about as much interest in seeing him as in attending an insurance seminar. But, pal that he is, he agreed to stick around and indulge this alt.comic.geek's starstruck need to witness Adrian, or rather The Adrian Tomine, in full color 3-D live action.

Tomine was in town to promote his latest book, Summer Blonde, and after some joking about the impossibility of doing a book reading of a comic book, he settled in for a brief interview with a guy -- a local cartoonist? -- whose name I didn't recognize.

A note on the audience: it was a packed house, and as someone who never goes to conventions or other fan gatherings, it was a very weird experience to be packed in with so many other alt.comic.geeks. It's especially weird when it's a collection of Optic Nerve fans, because it's not exactly the kind of communal gathering generated by, say, a Bruce Springsteen concert. Basically you've got a bunch of emotionally warped neurotics sitting around scowling. But anyway....

Sad to say, I no longer remember a word of the interview. It was basically stuff he's said in other interviews, mostly self-deprecating remarks about how lazy he is and apologizing for the slow output. I guess he's busy lately doing (gasp) paying gigs in commercial art, which is great because I really like his style -- it's understated without making a big deal out of its understatedness.

Oh, and the guy looks almost exactly like the way he draws himself in his comics. He's tiny! And he acts about as uncomfortable in public as you'd imagine.

So, the interview itself wasn't that memorable...Tomine's a great artist but not exactly the most dynamic speaker. Which is cool, because that's pretty much how I would be in front of an audience, too, and also because it's kinda neat to see one of your idols revealed as just sort of a regular geek who happens to be spectacularly gifted in one realm. That's how it was with my Sarah Vowell Experience a couple of years ago. "She's a geek like me! The only difference between us is that she's ten times as talented! That's so cool!"

There was a Q&A after the interview...nothing too memorable there, either. I was going to ask him some goofy question, along the lines of "Did the stuff in issue #4 actually happen to you?" but I didn't get the chance. I had a brief impulse to go talk to him at the signing afterwards, but what do you say to someone like that? "Gosh, I love your work. Can we trade lives?"

Then Kevin and I left the store and continued on our merry adventure. At the EMP we saw Madonna's pointy bra from that one tour, and, supposedly, Buddy Holly's glasses that he was wearing when his plane went down. Which I kinda wondered about. The plane went down in flames, everyone was killed, but the glasses survived? What's up with that?

Months later, I would sit down to write about the whole experience in my weblog, and somewhere between the fifth and sixth paragraphs I would realize that I might have already written about this in the previous incarnation of my weblog, but I can't remember if I did or not. Then I would decide to just forge on ahead anyway, hoping that nobody would remember that I'd already written an account (probably totally different in details from this one) of this event, thus making me look like a tool.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: gene
EMAIL: spinward@hotmail.com
IP: 24.205.55.26
URL: http://www.somethingoutofnothing.net
DATE: 05/12/2003 08:44:07 PM
Having your own website gives you free license to repeat yourself.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: gene
EMAIL: spinward@hotmail.com
IP: 24.205.55.26
URL: http://www.somethingoutofnothing.net
DATE: 05/12/2003 08:44:19 PM
Having your own website gives you free license to repeat yourself.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.24.77.6
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 05/12/2003 10:10:54 PM
I confess I slept soundly through most of Tomine's talk. I was somewhat underwhelmed by his lack of having much to say. However, I picked up a copy of Summer Blonde at the Virgin Megastore recently and loved it! B, the scheme at the bookstore was so nefarious, that I forgot all about it! What scheme are you even talking about?!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.200.178.122
URL:
DATE: 05/12/2003 11:25:58 PM
admitting that once you mentioned Seattle, and Pioneer Square in particular, my mind began to wander and all the beautiful words in your post became a blur and I did not finish the post before I was compelled to comment about how much I miss Seattle and that Waterfall Garden Park not far from the bookstore.... feh! indeed.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.187.240.204
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/13/2003 02:09:57 AM
dvl: Come back, then, and take Seattle back home with you! Bring Portland or San Diego or something instead. Feh!

Zoom: I'll spare you the embarrassment of revealing your nefarious scheme in a public forum!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 66.237.70.170
URL:
DATE: 05/13/2003 12:06:56 PM
I "like" Seattle -- LIKE. It's a nice place to visit (and for me it's the family, friends, etc. that mostly make it special) but as an LA native I am spoiled by good weather. So when I come visit (in the summer months), we can take a walk around Green Lake and I can fill you in on my new plan for early early retirement in Careyes, Mexico....

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.232.160
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/13/2003 02:18:12 PM
Careyes -- is that anything like Zahuatanejo, or whatever that town was in "Shawshank Redemption" that they want to escape to? Either way, if I ever escape Seattle, you may see me strolling down to the shore in my prison-issued suit....

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 66.237.70.170
URL:
DATE: 05/13/2003 04:59:18 PM
WHEN I do escape L.A., and WHEN you do escape Seattle, there's an open door invite for you to come squat at mi casa: www.careyes.com.mx/casas.htm

(Forgive that I am not so computer literate as to link this in my post)

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.27.64.122
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 05/13/2003 10:13:09 PM
Hey, I loved Seattle! I found it to be one of the most beautiful cities I'd ever visited, because of the harmonious blend of nature and civilization there. I'm going to Portland for the first time later in the week for a wedding. I can't wait to see what it's like!

B, I also remember sitting in the second row for Tomine's talk, so I felt particularly embarassed about nodding off, because I thought he'd see me! Aaargh.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.232.160
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/13/2003 10:58:10 PM
Seattle is like a smart, witty girl that you fall for at first sight, and you spend hours just listening to her amusing anecdotes...and then a few hours later you realize that she's been talking about herself all night and could care less about anything you have to say that doesn't involve her in some way.

Gradually, it dawns on you that, for all her charms and wit, she's really just a shallow, self-centered drama queen who thinks far more of herself than anyone around her does. The kind of girl who walks into a room and thinks everyone is looking at her, when they're not.

Suddenly her prattling just seems like a lot of foolishness, and she isn't even that pretty -- she just has such insane self-confidence (which of course is merely a front for her gaping insecurity) that she's able to lull people into thinking she's more than a self-obsessed brat. You make your excuses and beat a hasty retreat, thanking the Maker that you didn't get roped into a masochistic relationship with this woman, or worse, end up married to her.

That's Seattle.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.232.160
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/13/2003 11:02:19 PM
Portland, on the other hand, is like the really cute geeky girl with cats-eye glasses and Mary Janes who works at the coffee shop you go to every morning, and who you're constantly thinking about asking out, even though you're pretty sure she'd shoot you down if you actually tried.

 

Soulless
05/14/2003 01:02:22 AM

The Soulmate Calculator uses U.S. Census and National Center for Health Statistics data to calculate how many American single people you will have to meet in order to find your soulmate. You enter in information about what kind of person you're looking for and your range of standards in various character traits, values and physical features, and it spits out a figure that will either depress you because it's so impossibly high, or depress you because it's so low (meaning that your standards are, um, "flexible").

I was initially chagrined when the Calculator told me I would have to meet 82,843,900 women in order to find my Miss Right. Then I realized I had made a mistake on the form -- I accidentally made the desired age range 18 to 68. Ugh.

UPDATE: Actually, I made a couple of mistakes on the form. After filling it out again correctly, it turns out that I only need to meet 1 heterosexual female within a 200 mile radius! What am I doing sitting here when the girl of my dreams is practically right outside my door?

Of course, with my luck, that female is an asbestos factory worker in Kent with a brain tumor who is currently attempting to cross all eight lanes of I-5 on rollerblades.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: chinh
EMAIL: chinh@chinh.org
IP: 69.22.8.149
URL: http://www.chinh.org
DATE: 05/14/2003 02:33:06 AM
I HEARD THAT!!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 05/14/2003 01:19:48 PM

I will have to meet 306 heterosexual males in my 200-mile radius. Fuuuuuuck.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.192.231
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/14/2003 02:50:59 PM
Maybe you can save time and just invite 306 guys to a big party with kegs of cheap beer, strippers, and a special screening of "Dude, Where's My Car"". The one guy who declines the invite will be your Mr. Right.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lydia
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 65.176.80.19
URL:
DATE: 05/16/2003 10:32:35 PM
Ooh, hey... official proof that I'm doomed: I have to meet 97 males. My criteria was 5'6" to 6'6"; 200 m radius; age 32 to 50; African American, American Indian, Pacific Islander, Caucasian; Buddist/Taoist, Athiest, Agnostic, Spiritual; 60th percentile or above for humor, writing ability, and intelligence. That's pretty damned specific, and I got 97? Let's see, I meet (on average) zero men in the course of the average day, so I'm off to a roaring start!

 

I Only Miss You When I'm Drunk
05/14/2003 04:05:41 AM

B's Wine Review: Columbia Crest 2001 Gewürztraminer

This is awsome fricken stuff holy shit did I drink thew hole thing? Damn

Score: 89


HARD-WON LIFE LESSONS #1:

Singing "Tiny Dancer" by Elton John in a bar with a group of your friends: cheesy but fun.

Singing "Tiny Dancer" lying in bed alone with your dog lying on the pillow with its butt next to your face: cheesy and sad.


I think the most excruciatingly awful opening of any otherwise OK pop song in history has to be "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart" by the Bee Gees. It starts out kind of mellow, kinda tuneful, slow, melancholy...you're starting to get into the mood...then suddenly Barry Gibb or whichever one of those guys sings on this record breaks in with:

"I can think of younger days..."

In this bizarre, incredibly nasal, tuneless voice!

Listen for yourself -- tell me I'm wrong: Horrific Sound Clip (324k MP3)


BIG LOSER STORIES #1

Let's call her Maggie, because all sensual brunettes with big dark brown eyes that make you catch your breath are either named Maggie, or should be. I met her at a Christmas party in 1990. The total amount of time that it took for me to realize that I wanted to marry her, move to Vermont and have five children with her was about twenty minutes, starting from when she first looked my way and smiled, to the moment when I learned that she not only knew all the words to Elvis Costello's "Alison," but was willing to belt it out in a roomful of total strangers. For some reason, neither the fact that she was out of my league, or the powerful Female Repulsion Field that I had spent a lifetime developing, kept her from: hanging out with me; sending out signals that even clueless me could detect; and, most unbelievably, laughing at my stupid jokes. "Wow," I thought excitedly, "could this be the girl to break my record losing streak?"

How did this evening pan out for the B-ster? YOU MAKE THE CALL:

a) B played it smooth, remaining cool and confident, and won Maggie over with his suave charms. They began dating, and remained a couple until the following year, when Maggie left him for a forestry major from Nova Scotia.

b) B, realizing how much he liked this girl, immediately panicked and started drinking compulsively, got raving drunk, COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTOOD her suggestion that he walk her home, and instead went home alone after puking in the bushes. The following day, no one who had been at the party could remember who Maggie was, thus condemning B to a lifetime of wondering what would have happened had he not been a total loser doofus that evening.

The correct answer will be revealed in 1,000 years, when the aliens who stole my brain that evening return from Andromeda and put my brain back in my head.


My favorite joke in the whole world:

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a man from a country widely and perhaps unfairly associated with mental deficiency were stranded on a desert island. One day, they found a bottle on the shore. When they opened the bottle, a genie appeared! "As a boon for releasing me from my prison," the genie told the trio, "I will grant each of you a wish!"

The Englishman stepped up first. "Oi," the Brit said, "I wish I was back in merry olde England with me mates, knocking back a pint o' good English stout!"

The genie said, "Your wish is granted!" and the Englishman disappeared in a puff of smoke.

The Frenchman went next. "Je me souhaite tais de retour Paris, mangeant l'escargot avec mon pouse Justine," the cheese eating surrender monkey said.

The genie boomed, "Your wish is granted!" and the Frenchman disappeared in a puff of smoke.

At last, the genie turned to the man from a country widely and perhaps unfairly associated with mental deficiency. "And what is your wish?" the genie asked.

The man looked around the almost-empty island unhappily. "I miss my friends," he told the genie. "I wish they were back here with me!"

D'ohh! Silly, silly man from a country widely and perhaps unfairly associated with mental deficiency!


Bad: Having ultra-cheesy 70's instrumental "Love's Theme" by Love Unlimited Orchestra suddenly, randomly start blasting out of your computer speakers at high volume at 4 a.m.

Worse: Hearing someone walk by your open window at that precise moment, pause, then continue walking way at a markedly faster pace.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 05/14/2003 01:14:26 PM
ooh. I heard that one before, except it was in blonde joke form. Irregardless, here's another joke:

A doctor, a lawyer, a priest, a rabbi, a minister, a blonde, a brunette, a redhead, a horse, a dog, and a piece of string walk into a bar, and the bartender says, "Woah! Deja-vu!"

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 66.237.70.170
URL:
DATE: 05/14/2003 02:41:02 PM
...I didn't rush off because of the music, it's just that I was late... for something... really.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.192.231
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/14/2003 02:44:54 PM
But you missed my whole Barry Manilow block!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BoyKani
EMAIL: darren_kani@yahoo.com
IP: 67.119.11.118
URL:
DATE: 05/14/2003 09:33:31 PM
You know, the mysterious singer in that Bee Gees clip sounds suspiciously like Crackhead Bob from the Stern Show.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.27.68.4
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 05/15/2003 09:16:16 AM
B, you're right, that wine rocks!

 

I've Been Alive Forever
05/14/2003 04:53:41 AM

And I wrote the very first song;
I put the words and the melodies together,
I am music, and I write the songs.
I write the songs that make the whole world sing;
I write the songs of love and special things.
I write the songs that make the young girls cry;
I write the songs, I write the songs.

 

I Want to Build My World Around You
05/15/2003 12:23:59 AM

Midnight, and time once again for Insomniac Theater. I've actually been feeling a lot better since I decided to stop fighting and just let it happen. Of course, the progressive mental instability and impaired cognitive function is a minus, but life is full of tradeoffs.

As I tour the wonderful world of weblogs, I notice that a lot of other people are having problems with insomnia. Of course, in some cases it's for an external reason (school inflicted all-nighters), but mostly it's just people who can't sleep. I wonder if there's some sort of insomnia bug going around. Or maybe we're just living in the wrong time zone. I should be living in Hawaii. Hell, we should all be living in Hawaii.

Tonight's iTunes playlist is dedicated to Peter Cetera:



"Restless Heart"
"Glory of Love"
"The Next Time I Fall"

and with Chicago:

"Look Away"
"You're the Inspiration"
"Hard to Say I'm Sorry"
"If You Leave Me Now"
"Just You and Me"

Don't leave me here
With my restless heart
The one you filled with emotion
Baby right from the start
'Cause the hardest part
Is being alone
With my restless heart

Pete's been there, man. He's loved and lost like only a dreamer can.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.172.250.130
URL:
DATE: 05/15/2003 07:41:58 AM
we're going back to Maui, Maui, Maui, we're going back to Maui....
I wish you were right about the time zone thingy, because I know that my internal clock is all messed up here on PST (but then again I have never been a morning/day person, ever); I did sleep at more reasonable hours when I was last on vacation in maui in september, but then again I also got more normal sleep on my recent trip back east to PA.... pfftth!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.73.106
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/15/2003 11:53:58 AM
So, the only solution then is to lead a nomadic existence?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 66.237.70.170
URL:
DATE: 05/15/2003 12:10:35 PM
nomadic existence would suck because i really like my own bed...

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.73.106
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/15/2003 12:20:29 PM
Then the only solution is to become a fulltime RV'er! It would be cool, like on that old Saturday morning live action show of Shazam! where the kid and his Mentor rode around the country in a Winnebago, getting into adventures.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 66.237.70.170
URL:
DATE: 05/15/2003 01:27:09 PM
yeah! cruising along in my 20-foot Airstream turkey... singing the token travel song "Go West" by Pet Shop Boys at the top of my lungs...

 

Baby, Look Away
05/15/2003 02:39:47 AM

Tonight I'm going through a huge ass box of old letters that the Dilettante and I exchanged during college, for this nostalgia project he wants to do.

I drew this for the cover of the first issue of Fun Comix:

[Upon further reflection, I guess this picture is pretty gross. I'll remove it for the sake of propriety and not getting sued by Bill Watterson.]

Instead, here's something I drew when I was 18.



There's more, but I don't think the world is ready for "Grover Fantasy #1" just yet.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.107.125.154
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 05/15/2003 03:25:02 AM
Aaagh! Genital-shriveling repulsion!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.73.106
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/15/2003 03:32:56 AM
You're right. What was I thinking? Let me find a less horrific picture....

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.73.106
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/15/2003 04:54:22 AM
Also, I'm sorry I shrivelled your genitals, Jim.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.27.68.4
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 05/15/2003 09:14:11 AM
Just like McCartney wants his Beatles catalog back, I want those letters back!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.73.106
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/15/2003 11:30:51 AM
Now that I'm looking through these again, I'm not sure I want to give them back! Mine, at least. The blackmail potential could be astronomical!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 05/15/2003 09:47:57 PM
No problem. It's weird how something like that is somehow more unnerving than all the gore on rotten.com.

I guess it's akin to Christians being shocked by exhibits featuring the Virgin Mary smeared with dung.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.24.120.193
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 05/15/2003 11:06:06 PM
No way, dude. I feel as though a valuable art treasure has been looted from my house. I want them back.....soon?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.193.110
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/15/2003 11:21:07 PM
Jim: I sure didn't mean to unnerve anybody. I guess looking at it for 10 years has dulled the impact!

Zoom: I'll give you back your half of the correspondence, but I dunno about my half -- the poetry alone could sink me!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rengirl
EMAIL: imac@pixelsensei.com
IP: 12.22.65.5
URL:
DATE: 05/16/2003 02:57:45 PM
You should give it back to Zoom.... after making xerox copies and sending copies to Rengirl ofcourse!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.80.19
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/16/2003 10:31:59 PM
Why would I give you copies, when I value your friendship?

 

A Final Thought Before Retiring to My Boudoir
05/15/2003 05:08:19 AM

- - - Comments - - -

AUTHOR: Xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 68.165.8.153
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 05/15/2003 04:01:14 PM
That sounds like a great cookbook to me. As an underachiever, I may actually be able to make some of the things in it without giving up.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.193.110
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/15/2003 11:27:02 PM
I've been trying to foist this joke on an uncaring public for two years. Should I just give it up?

 

Strapping on the Old Feed Bag
05/15/2003 06:09:05 PM

Out of all the people I know, I am one of the most prone to suggestion. I'm the type of idiot who sees a Taco Bell commercial at 3 a.m. and then has to rush out and get a taco. Or twelve.

So today, I went to the local Indian lunch buffet. Thanks, Xkot. There's a place up in Lynnwood that I've never been to before, and surprisingly for Lynnwood (Olive Garden strip mall country) it wasn't bad. Much chicken vindaloo, panak paneer, and tandoori chicken was eaten this day. The samosas were terrific. Indian lunch buffets are the greatest cheap meal ever invented. Much better than the General Tso's Cat across the street at the Oriental Buffet, or the Country Fried Cornstarch at the Old Country Buffet down the street.

Then I rolled myself over to the local Consumatorium to buy some Irish Cream liqueur and half & half, because someone mentioned the words "Bailey's Irish Cream" and "half & half" in an e-mail yesterday, and I thought, "Hm, tasty nonthreatening albeit girly alcoholic beverage?"

While I was in Ye Olde Booze Shoppe, trying to decide whether my habañero-corroded palate would detect any difference between Bailey's and some cheap-ass brand that was on sale, I overheard the cashier talking about the different brands of vodka she'd tasted• and that she really liked Pearl Vodka. It was sorta cheap, at least by overpriced "ultrapremium" vodka standards, so I bought some of that, too, thinking maybe I'd whip up sort of a bastardized version of a White Russian. Which I was thinking about only because I was talking to someone about THE BIG LEBOWSKI the other night.

Then as I was driving back, on the radio there was an interview with the author of this book on how the fast food industry uses nefarious marketing tactics to fool people into eating more junk food. I thought, "Hm, sounds interesting, I should look that book up."

Later, on the way home, I voted for George W. Bush, bought a Mandy Moore album, some Funyuns in an "xtreme sport" can, and a "Matrix" Powerade, then went back to my cookie-cutter apartment complex and shot myself in the head like the guy on TV.

* In Washington State, hard liquor can only be sold in special state-run liquor stores. I'm told that once a year, all the people who work in those stores get a state-funded trip to this convention where they get to taste all the different brands of liquor that are going to be sold in the stores. All paid for by the gummint! No wonder those liquor store people are always so friendly.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 05/15/2003 09:51:45 PM
'General Tso s Cat'

Mmmm. Cat.

-----
COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.24.120.193
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 05/15/2003 11:04:53 PM
'dat's socialism if I ever heard it! Keep guberment outta bizniss!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.193.110
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/15/2003 11:19:16 PM
Workers' control of the means of intoxication!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 68.166.19.193
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 05/16/2003 12:10:32 AM
I first tried a white russian because The Dude seemed to like them so much. Now I have them every once in a while when I'm feeling dude-ish. The dude abides.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.64.108
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/16/2003 12:37:06 AM
Kahlua, the vodka industry, and the Dairy Council must love the Coen Brothers for making White Russians cool.

"I'm adhering to a pretty strict drug regimen to uh, keep my mind limber."

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rengirl
EMAIL: imac@pixelsensei.com
IP: 12.22.65.5
URL:
DATE: 05/16/2003 10:26:48 AM
Now I want me a "Caucasian." The Dude called it a Caucasian a couple times and so shall I. So... did my suggestion for the Master Cleanse work? If so, I can't wait to hear some interesting bowel movement stories! Or will other suggestions only counter the Master Cleanse suggestion...? I might have to sweeten the deal with a Colon cleanse and a Parasite cleanse...

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.190.40.50
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/16/2003 11:53:04 AM
Aha! That's what I think I'll call this bastardized White Russian -- a Caucasian. Maybe next time I'll put in soju and call it an Asian...Bastard?

I'm seriously thinking of trying that Master Cleanse next week. The idea of not eating real food disturbs me, but something must be done.

 

Pearl Before Swine
05/16/2003 12:29:41 AM

Friends...nothing says "class" like a bottle of premium -- nay, ultrapremium -- Canadian vodka, and a Banquet TV dinner. Having already polished off my microwave-defrosted portion of Chicken Fried Beef Patty with Country Gravy (what country...Kazakhstan?), it only remains to me to crack open this bottle of Pearl and sample it right here, live on blog.

Shall we?

Nice bottle...the slender shape and elegant lettering really say "I am not rotgut swill," despite the fact that I accidentally rubbed the condensation on the bottle with my thumb so now there's the impression of a penis and testicles over the "Pearl" label. What's with the round cap...oh yeah -- pearl. Right.

Here's some important nutritional info on the label:

"The softest winter wheat combined with crisp, pure mountain water, crafted in micro-batches, and five times distilled."

I'm getting excited here. Already I'm thinking "soggy boiled wheat." Oh wait, the bottle is signed by R.R. Strothers, Master Distiller. Are you a Master Distiller if you can distill vodka five times in one sitting? I guess that makes me a very, very expert Bator.

Okay, I'm getting ready to take a shot. I haven't had so much as a drop of vodka in over a year, so stand back....

Whoo!

Hey, this crap ain't bad! They can put that on the bottle from now on.

"This crap ain't bad!" Signed, B, Master Ba--

Whoo! Delayed reaction, sorry. Wow, this stuff goes right to your head. I feel all rubbery. Can you tell I don't drink much anymore?

Let's try another shot, shall we?

Wow, now that's an E ticket ride. This is actually a lot better than my previous vodka experience, which I believe was Stoli. This stuff tastes sort of like sake, except less flavor and more kick. It doesn't back up on you like the Stoli did, either. No fiery backdraft. Okay, now this is more like it.

Yes folks, I really do have nothing better to do on a Thursday night but sit in front of my computer swilling vodka.

I'm not gonna go nuts with this stuff, though. My days of excess are long behind me. I'm just going to make one of those bastardized White Russians...I don't know what else to call it, since I'm using Irish Cream instead of Kahlua. White Irish?

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.139.211.10
URL:
DATE: 05/16/2003 12:46:17 AM
stop! you're making my stomach turn!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.64.108
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/16/2003 02:05:39 AM
Not a vodka drinker, then?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jeff
EMAIL: tambrnman@hotmail.com
IP: 128.195.36.199
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/intersensei
DATE: 05/16/2003 09:49:25 AM
I happen to love vodka, and Pearl is my absolute favorite. Love it!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 66.237.70.170
URL:
DATE: 05/16/2003 10:51:51 AM
i only drink vodka based cocktails, but always of the non-dairy variety (and the mention of Kauhlua was bad, but the thought of Irish Cream made me wretch.... and (no thanks to you, probably) I woke up this morning doubled over with a stomach ache. (someone please hit me in the head with a ball peen hammer, I really do not need to be her today staring at all this work on my desk when my boss is in Boston on business) feh!

 

Blogging Takes Me Away
05/16/2003 01:39:36 AM

Just now my dog was pawing me and growling, trying to get my attention. When I turned to see what she wanted, she grabbed my leg and started humping away. Even dogs can't resist the magnetic charms of the B!

Did I say "even"? I meant "only."

Well, it's good to be wanted, I guess.

Oh, now she's biting my foot. A woman scorned....

Anyway, tonight's insomnia fest is dedicated to Christopher Cross:



(See, BoyKani? I'm keeping it real.)

To anyone not around in 1980-1982, Christopher Cross is probably just the old fart who sang backup for N'Sync on their hit single "Sailing." But to those of us who were around back then, and were old enough to listen to something besides Sesame Street songs but not old enough to know any better, "The Cross" is an icon, a hero, and a role model.

Okay, maybe not. But at the time, his music was impossible to avoid, which means that pretty much every single of his is associated with some event in everyone's life during his reign as the King of Falsetto Pop before being deposed by Wacko "I'm not like other guys...but I am more macho than that wimp Cross" Jacko. In a way, the Eighties Generation is really the Christopher Cross Generation. It wouldn't be until Howard Jones that anyone could out-wimp The Cross.

"Think of Laura"

Every once in a while
I'd see her smile
And she'd turn my day around
A girl with those eyes
Could stare through the lies
And see what your heart was saying

Most people who remember this song remember it as the theme song of the "Luke & Laura" romance on "General Hospital." I can't recall now if it started out as the theme song, or if it just became their theme song. It doesn't matter, because I never watched that show anyway.

I just remember it as a seve
rely sad song about a deceased girl named Laura, and how Chris is comforting a friend and telling him/her to "laugh don't cry" when (s)he thinks of Laura. Which is odd since Chris issues this command in a song that is so weepily dreary that it could make Carrot Top burst into tears. Also, in my experience people who burst out laughing in the midst of a spasm of grief are having a nervous breakdown, not coping bravely in the face of tragedy, so I don't know what exactly Chris is trying to do here.

"Never Be the Same"

The years go by
There's always someone new
To try and help me forget about you
Time and again, it does me no good
Love never feels the way that it should

Although it would be a while after this song came out before any girl would trample my heart hard enough to make me relate to the lyrics of this song, I'm glad Chris was there first to tell it like it was. "Never Be the Same" tells the story of a guy who's given a first class upgrade on a one-way ticket to Splitsville by his girlfriend. Chris is philosophical about it, knows he'll move on, but figures he'll never really get over it.

This song did ring pretty true to reality when I eventually experienced the events of these lyrics, but with one significant difference: the song lasts four minutes, while the actual pain lasts an entire frickin' lifetime.

"All Right"

Time and time again I see people so unsure like me,
We all know it gets heard sometimes You can give it one more try,
Find another reason why you should pick it up,
You should kick it up and try it again.

This is Chris's "dust yourself off and try again" song, and given the sentiments of the previous single, it doesn't come off very convincingly. I don't know, maybe there was a rash of suicides after "Never Be the Same." In any case, in this song the guy's mildly happy because he's met a new girl who seems incrementally different from the one who used his heart as toilet paper and made him eat it. The basic message here is "maybe this one won't screw me over as badly as the other one did." Ah, love!

"Arthur's Theme"

When you get caught
Between the moon and New York City
I know it s crazy but it s true
If you get caught
Between the moon and New York City
The best that you can do
The best that you can do
Is fall in love

As with most pop songs written specifically for a movie, this one doesn't have all that much to do with the movie, and doesn't really make a lot of sense outside of the context of the movie. I'm not sure why being caught between the moon and New York City would leave you with only one alternative, to fall in love. It seems like if you were truly caught between the moon and New York City, your lungs would immediately collapse, and you would float in the vacuum of space until the Earth's gravitational pull picked you up and settled your corpse into a permanent orbit. But whatever.

"Sailing"

Sailing takes me away to where I've always heard it could be
Just a dream and the wind to carry me
And soon I will be free

Now we get to Chris's two big songs. In "Sailing" we pick up with our hero fresh from his romantic ass-kicking in "Never Be the Same" and post-"All Right." Having given up on love, Chris doesn't even broach the subject here, focusing, like most spinsters in training, on hobbies, in this case his sailboat. By the way...yeah, this is a Christopher Cross song, not N'Sync, you damn Gen-Y brats.

"Ride Like the Wind"

I was born the son of a lawless man
Always spoke my mind with a gun
in my hand
Lived nine lives
Gunned down ten
Gonna ride like the wind

This is Christopher Cross's magnum opus, his grand statement. Having had his heart broken multiple times and realizing what a wimpy hobby sailing is, Chris descends into total madness, losing himself in delusions of grandeur and violent fantasies of gunplay and a fugitive existence in Mexico. As such, it's the Cross song I can most relate to.

The best part of this song is the cheesy Michael MacDonald-like backing vocal. The image created is of some rich dude's effeminate son acting like a jackass in a biker bar, and nobody does shit because the kid has his gigantic bodyguard with him, backing him up. Unfortunately, Chris overplayed his hand a bit here, as the macho bluster of the lyrics only reminded listeners what a total wimp Cross really was. After this it was pretty much the end for the Christopher Cross Era, but millions of nostalgic thirtysomething dorks still revere the great man as one of the innovators of Wimp Rock.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 66.137.13.252
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com/weblog
DATE: 05/16/2003 06:17:21 AM
oh crap, I'm having these terrible flashbacks to 1981. ET!?! The Wrath of Khan! No cable television! Oh, God make it stop!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jima
EMAIL: jima@legnog.com
IP: 207.7.7.214
URL: http://www.empty-handed.com
DATE: 05/16/2003 06:48:59 AM
There was a recent cable special (maybe on VH1) that talked about MC 900 Foot Christopher Cross' inability to continue his career once MTV showed up. The claim was that because CC looked too much like Vincent D'Onofrio, he was too un-photogenic to make it in an MTV world. Yeah, that's probably part of it. But perhaps he was not helped by the fact that his music is about a exciting as individually wrapped processed cheese slices.

Oh yeah, and I just this morning stumbled across the new site. Like the T-shirt says, I'm so happy I could just shit.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.190.40.50
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/16/2003 11:58:38 AM
Christopher Cross could look a lot like Vincent D'Onofrio...if you beat Vincent D'Onofrio severely about the head and neck and then stuffed him into a vat of formaldehyde for six months. Christopher Cross may be one of the towering geniuses of the early 80's (okay, maybe that's debatable), but he's got a face made for Top 40 radio. I guess it's like how a lot of tin-voiced silent movie actors got shafted when sound movies came to Hollywood.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom now 'cause Jima's post made me have to go.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 68.166.19.193
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 05/16/2003 02:47:58 PM
Hm... I made a reference to Christopher Cross when I was talking to someone last night, and now here he is on your page. I'm starting to wonder if you have an implant in my brain.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BoyKani
EMAIL: darren_kani@yahoo.com
IP: 67.119.11.118
URL:
DATE: 05/16/2003 11:53:22 PM
Where would you be if I weren't around to keep you in line, AB? Peter Cetera? Ha! It's all about THE 'CROSS. Well, and George Benson too, but that's another fight for another day...

 

Li'l Debbie's Journal
05/16/2003 11:42:50 AM



I ain't got time for no bitches who don't want to lick my filling out from my oatmeal pies. You do it slow, baby, and I'll give you an extra pie for free.

But if you don't want my pies, I'll stab you in the throat.

via Xkot

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 66.173.50.125
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 05/16/2003 08:10:49 PM
Oh, my aching sides...that's hysterical.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: chinh
EMAIL: chinh@chinh.org
IP: 69.22.8.149
URL: http://www.chinh.org
DATE: 05/17/2003 11:04:15 AM
LOL. What a whore.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 209.245.228.159
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com
DATE: 05/18/2003 07:24:37 AM
god dammit I love that bitch's Nutty Bars.

 

I Shall Wed the Borders Café Girl
05/18/2003 06:49:24 AM

I felt sleepy at 10:30 p.m. last night...went to bed...woke up this morning at 5:30 in the morning, feeling rested and alert.

Dear God, what insane bizarro world have I woken up in???

In other news, I'd like to announce my engagement to the new girl who works at the Borders Café on Saturday afternoons. I think her name's Battle Angel Alita, but I'm not sure. She: black haired, cats-eye-glasses-wearing snarky nervous-chatter type. Me: perpetually dazed, glasses-falling-down terminally shy nebbish. Our financial transaction was peppered with such sexually charged banter as:

[Battle Angel Alita] "So how's your day goin'?"

[Neo Maxi Zoom Dweebie] "Pretty good, how about you?"

[Battle Angel Alita] "Oh well ya know, aughghgh."

[Neo Maxi Zoom Dweebie] "Ha ha."

What really intrigued me was the way she took my Frequent Drink Card and double-punched it in a spasmodic frenzy. "It's not double punch day, but here, I'll double punch this!!" she cried, leaving about ten holes in various random locations on the card.

My witty response: "Wow!"

I can't wait until next week so I can have another nervous, indeterminate encounter with this sultry, latte-slinging anime vixen.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BoyKani
EMAIL: darren_kani@yahoo.com
IP: 67.119.11.118
URL:
DATE: 05/18/2003 08:38:58 AM
Gotta love those coffee shop hotties, eh B?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.190.41.67
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/18/2003 09:46:50 AM
What can I say, she steams my milk!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 05/18/2003 10:28:55 PM
I'll tell you this, though, saying "Wow!" is way better than trying to come up with something clever and just having a a barely intelligible string of words fall out your mouth.

So with that in mind: high five!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lydia
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.191.209.194
URL:
DATE: 05/19/2003 12:50:44 PM
I think it's charming when guys are a little befuddled. When a guy is totally slick and in control, it can almost be off-putting. I start to think that maybe this person isn't very modest or has a macho streak or something.

I know that runs counter to the advice guys always get about practicing their lines so they don't appear unconfident, but there's a difference. If he is always looking at his shoes, talks to the cashier with a meek attitude, or he cannot loosen up after you've been talking for a while, that might indicate a lack of confidence, but not a few fumbled words. Hell, women fumble all the time, but it's just considered cute. Any woman who doesn't let you flub a few words isn't worth the effort.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 66.173.50.142
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 05/19/2003 06:23:17 PM
Sounds like it's time to go back for some extra sugar!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: chinh
EMAIL: chinh@chinh.org
IP: 69.22.8.149
URL: http://www.chinh.org
DATE: 05/19/2003 10:33:14 PM
*sigh* love them love at first sights!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: tanya
EMAIL: tanichka13@hotmail.com
IP: 65.29.12.122
URL: http://www.redsugar.com/muse/
DATE: 05/21/2003 08:52:06 AM
ditto what lydia said. when it comes to saying hi, it's not what you say or how you say it. it's that you say it.

 

Matrix Reloaded: Impressions v1.0
05/20/2003 01:34:28 AM

This isn't what I'd call a review, because my brain is still too frickin' scrambled to make sense of it all. Call it a mishmash of general impressions and half-formed opinions.

First of all, I want to say that the upside of seeing a movie like this on a Monday afternoon is that you don't have to contend with packed auditoriums and jammed parking lots. The downside is that the audience is primarily composed of yobs who have nothing better to do on a Monday afternoon than go to the movies. (Unlike myself, of course. Ha.) So I was surrounded by the type of yokels who actually try to figure out which can of soda will win the "Coca-Cola Racing" race on the pre-screening slideshow.

Especially memorable was the couple behind me, obviously two people on a first date because I can't imagine this girl actually going out with this guy a second time. I sat there for half an hour eavesdropping on this amazing conversation. Sample:

---

Woman: Did you know that when the little circle pops up in the corner of the screen, it's a signal to the projectionist to change reels?

Man: Yeah? [Reading off of a slide] "Enjoy the refreshment."

Woman: I have a friend who used to work here. He said that it's so dead during the days that they would sneak into empty theaters and call up friends on their cell phones while watching the movie. But then he got caught and they fired him.

Man: Huh. [Reading off of a slide] "Swimfan..." Yeah...man, that Harry Potter movie was stupid!

---

On the plus side, the doofus surprised me by actually keeping his trap shut during the movie, if only because that would have required performing a second mental function in addition to watching the images on the screen. Another plus: unlike the poor girl, I didn't have to continue being in proximity to this guy after the show.

Oh yeah, there was a movie.

I went into RELOADED with fairly realistic expectations. I liked the first MATRIX, but I wasn't one of those fanatics who got crazy about it with the symbolism and philosophy. I wasn't there to have my mind blown with fantastic concepts -- I was there for the action and the eye candy. The fact that the film turned out to have an actual brain was just a bonus. None of the concepts in that film would come off as original or groundbreaking to a science fiction buff or postmodern lit-crit scholar, but they were icing on a surprisingly moist 'n delicious cake. Big budget action flicks aren't obligated to play around with complex ideas, so a movie that does go for a higher level of entertainment is a rare and special creature indeed.

Between the two, I suspect RELOADED is the superior science fiction movie, in that the ideas and revelations we get in this one put some seriously thought-provoking and unexpected (for me, anyway) wrinkles in the previous film's well-worn sci-fi theme. RELOADED does what a good sequel should, which is to build upon the previous film's ideas without being a mere rehash. Whereas the original MATRIX set up a familiar "illusion vs. reality" premise, RELOADED blows that setup out of the water, and makes the issue more about personal choice and what truly defines humanity and existence.

Having avoided or skimmed through most of the reviews before today, I've now gone through and read many of them, especially the negative ones. I think many of them can be attributed either to overly high or incorrect expectations, or inaccurate readings of the film. If any film this year is a victim of its own hype, it's RELOADED. Not only has the reputation of the original grown way out of proportion to its actual merits, thus guaranteeing a disappointed response from many fans, but they need to define a new term for the super-superlatives exploding out of the publicity for this film. "There is no bar"? Then what is it that's hitting you in the head, Mr. Reloaded? A loaf of bread?

One gripe that's becoming a standard film criticism trope is the ever popular "the CGI effects looked fake." Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, before CGI, when Yoda was just a rubber doll with a hand stuck up its ass, things didn't look any more realistic. A lot of "special effects" actually looked pretty frickin' phony. But you know what? We went with it. We used a fancy little trick called "suspension of disbelief" and didn't require absolute realism in order to lose ourselves in a story.

So okay, if you're the kind of person who can't deal with CGI at all, you're going to hate this movie. The visual effects are stupendous, but (sigh) yes, sometimes you can actually tell that it's a computerized image, and not 100 real lab-grown clones of Hugo Weaving on screen. What?!?! You mean the things happening on screen aren't...actually...happening??? What do the Wachowski Brothers expect me to do -- use my imagination? I demand a refund!

There are a couple of other unfair knocks on this film, but I'll go through them elsewhere since most of them involve crucial plot points.

One non-spoiler event that could use some discussion: the rave/pseudo-orgy in Zion intercut with a love scene between Trinity and Neo. First off, I agree that it went on about two minutes too long. But I think the scene's been unfairly criticized as gratuitous or (in the case of the love scene) boring. If you look at the purpose of that scene in context of the larger story, the residents of Zion aren't just enjoying a final hootenany before the storm -- they're expressing the very human joy of freedom and physicality and togetherness, the opposite of everything the Matrix represents.

What bothered me about the original MATRIX was that the "real" world seemed so dreary and depressing that it was hard to see exactly why we should prefer that life over the comparatively pleasant existence inside the Matrix. I could relate to Cypher's betrayal because his choice would have tempted me, too. So I think it's perfectly appropriate to include at least one scene set in the "real" world that gives us some impression of what they're fighting for. The "rave" encapsulates one half of that -- the sensuality, the raw energy, the sense of community, the idea that we feel our humanity most strongly when we are sharing a connection with others. Note the close up of their muddy feet -- a visual metaphor of their earthiness and connection with each other and the dirty, messy real world -- again, everything that the tidy, soulless Matrix isn't.

The sex scene between Neo and Trinity gives us the other half of it -- the emotional side, the sense of bonding and union. It's not an erotic, titillating scene, nor is it meant to be. It isn't thrown in there for a little fun T&A. It's actually a crucial moment in that it communicates in the purest possible sense the passion and connection these characters share. This isn't the steamy bump 'n grind of two beautiful people having porno sex. This is the quintessential moment of sexual/emotional/spiritual joining of two damaged, frightened human beings who know that each day could be their last. The vulnerability that Neo expresses afterwards -- it's one of his most human moments in a film where he's otherwise mostly stoic and detached. In that sense, this is probably the least gratuitous cinematic sex scene I've witnessed in a long time.

Having said all this, the film isn't without its flaws. Although I enjoyed the "Burly Brawl" between Neo and the Agent Smiths, the fight scene does come off as a little videogame-ish, even down to the weirdly Nintendo-like music that plays over the fight. The fighting in general lacks much of the grit and sense of peril of the first film -- it's fun, but so outrageous at times as to feel cartoonish and overly "clean." And some of the more emotional moments, like those between Morpheus and Niobe, don't generate as much payoff as they probably should. (Also, this might actually be intentional, but Morpheus is starting to sound seriously looney.)

I can't say much about the Big Ideas expressed in this film, because I'm still trying to process it all. And this entry has gone on long enough as it is. Although I'm not prepared as yet to award "FUCKING A" status to RELOADED, I have to say that it definitely gives X "FUCKING A" 2 a run for its money, if for nothing else than the amazing freeway chase scene. Zowie. I'm definitely seeing this again, as soon as possible.

By the way: did you notice, in one of the final scenes when a key character talks about the "grotesque vagaries" of the human race, a bank of monitors flashes two faces -- Hitler, and George W. Bush? I guess we know where the Wachowskis are coming from, politically. Hilarious.

Update: Courtesy of Xkot, here's an excellent (SPOILER-filled) explanation of many of the religious, mythological and philosophical ideas and symbols presented in RELOADED.

---

Check out the message board for SPOILER-iffic MATRIX RELOADED discussion/speculation.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 68.17.237.253
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 05/20/2003 02:09:46 AM
Great point about the rave/love scene segment. I don't think it will annoy me as much next time around now that you've put it in that light.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lydia
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 65.176.105.78
URL:
DATE: 05/20/2003 08:49:22 AM
There were three guys behind me that were obviously in competition for "coolest cat," judging by their inane chatter and their worship of the "Faster and Furiouser" preview. I am constantly amazed at how dumb people can be, and it makes me wonder why they don't realize just how stupid they sound.

Example: at the end of the movie, middle guy says (insert moronic, low-register gumby voice here) "Whatever. That "to be concluded" was dumb - felt like I was watching TV!" and he and his friends laughed (in that sluggish goon way) as they filed out of the theatre.

I leaned over to my friend and said, "Looks like Mr. TV isn't gonna get to see next week's preview!" (referring to the Matrix:Revolutions trailer after the credits). Dolt.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.105.78
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/20/2003 09:03:14 AM
Did those guys leave a "gay buffer" seat between them? Hehe.

The worst part of venturing into a public place is dealing with all the fucktards. Maybe it's the idealist in me, but I'll never stop being amazed by the depths of stupidity of which human beings are capable. It's a strange species indeed that can produce both Mozart and a guy wearing a baseball cap backwards.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 66.137.13.252
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com
DATE: 05/20/2003 11:53:13 AM
At one point in our watching of the movie, someone's baby started to bawl (not cry, bawl). It took about 20 seconds before the murmurs and Shhhhussshhhes began, and when the person didn't leave, you could hear shouts of "get it out of here!" and "Shut that fucking kid up!" I thought there was going to be an angry nerd riot.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 05/20/2003 02:22:18 PM
Heh. "Gay buffer."

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.105.78
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/20/2003 03:38:45 PM
You know how they're putting in cell phone deactivating devices in some movie theaters? Maybe they can come up with a baby deactivator as well. Of course, the only problem is, if they invented one, every parent in America would buy one, and eventually you'd end up with a lot of defunct babies. But oh well.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike
EMAIL: mike@whybark.com
IP: 216.173.212.237
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 05/20/2003 08:56:10 PM
B - we saw it Monday too, at the Cinerama, I take it you were up the street.

Something just occurred to me in your exegesis of the sexing up: that was certainly Neo's first time ever in RL.

 

Shhhh...
05/21/2003 04:14:10 AM

Reading. THE LONG WALK by "Richard Bachman" (Stephen King), for about the 45th time. You know how some books you can read over and over and over again, and you never get sick of them? And there's nothing like staying up all night with a book that you just cannot put down. I don't run across enough books like that these days, which is why I turn to past reads.

This is a terrific, pulpy little novel...a short(ish), lean story with a high concept premise (in a dystopian future, each year a hundred teenaged boys compete in the Long Walk, in which they must walk continuously until only one is left alive) that reminds me of both BATTLE ROYALE and HANDS ON A HARDBODY, two films you must find and watch NOW if you haven't before. Or even if you have.

I'm a sucker for "there can be only one" stories -- there's nothing like a life-or-death competition to bring out the highs and lows of human nature, and there's something stark and elemental about this type of story that cuts through the usual layers of narrative B.S. and gets right down to business.

But enough chatter -- back to the book. Must read. Write later.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 66.173.50.61
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 05/21/2003 09:57:14 AM
Not available from Netflix! :-( Grrr...

I'll have to check that book out; it's been a long time since I've read a book I just couldn't put down. A fiction book, anyway.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.24.120.55
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 05/21/2003 09:59:54 PM
I'm reading Of Human Bondage by W. Somerset Maugham. I wonder why this awesome book was never turned into a movie....

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lydia
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.187.240.216
URL:
DATE: 05/22/2003 12:46:27 PM
The guard stared back woodenly.

 

Pet Peeve #34,599
05/22/2003 04:41:54 PM

You know what I hate, is when on a TV show a character asks a question, and the other character gives this cryptic answer that only the viewers have any idea about since we've seen the character in the previous scene where we get the necessary frame of reference. Example:

"Who was that woman you were talking to just now?"

[dramatic pause] "An old...acquaintance."

What bothers me is that the questioner never asks for clarification, but merely stares wonderingly at the other character just before we fade to commercial. You know in real life the guy would be like, "What the fuck are you talking about?"

I hate that.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lydia
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.190.41.53
URL:
DATE: 05/22/2003 05:21:13 PM
Yeah, why don't they say something like "Shit, Fred, I could have figured that out for myself. Why do I even waste words on you? Always with the melodrama." Meanwhile, Fred still has that crafty "I know a secret" look on his face.

Either that or it fades to commercial to avoid the part where the friend recovers from his delayed reaction (while he contemplated the stupidity of his so-called friend) and says, "Oh, thank you for that informative explanation, Dr. Science" then shanks him with a shiv.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: stacey
EMAIL: grahamstacey67@hotmail.com
IP: 65.121.8.156
URL: http://stacey.surreally.org
DATE: 05/22/2003 05:32:04 PM
What's a weirdsmobile? Does it have anything to do with scientology?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: bunnieskill333@aol.com
IP: 209.36.27.8
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 05/22/2003 07:20:30 PM
What I hate is when the entire plot of the episode is based on a stupid misunderstanding that real people would clear up with a 30-second conversation.

"I saw your sombrero lying out on top of your suitcase, and I wondered if maybe you were moving back to Mexico to marry your ex-girlfriend without telling me."

"Ha ha! Rosalia? You've got to be kidding! I was just collecting stuff for the big charity drive."

"Oh! That makes much more sense!"

"Yes, I'm glad you asked me instead of lashing out inexplicably and running out of the room in tears for the entire episode!"

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lydia
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.190.41.53
URL:
DATE: 05/22/2003 08:01:16 PM
Stacey, watch the movie "White Christmas" for a perspective on weirdsmobiles.

 

Friday Poll
05/23/2003 03:25:59 AM

Extremely Important Poll
Will you respond to any poll, no matter how pointless it may be?
Yes
No

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: bunnieskill333@aol.com
IP: 209.36.27.8
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 05/23/2003 05:13:52 AM
I just saw one that was worded "Which celebrity couple do you think is back together?" (Choices were like a) Leonardo DiCaprio and Gisele Bundchen, b) Ashton Kutcher and Brittany Murphy, c) Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake.)

Not "Which celebrity couple /should/ get back together?" or "...is likeliest to get back together?" IS back together.

Is that really subject to opinion?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.203.247.217
URL:
DATE: 05/23/2003 05:59:46 AM
only if there's a magicness which highlights how extremely important such a pointless poll may be...

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 66.173.50.104
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 05/23/2003 11:09:11 AM
The thing I hate about pointless (or even pointed) polls is that the results are often read like the bible. Like, "according to this (a conservative) magazine, 99% think tax cuts are a good idea". Duh! What's the point of reading the results of a poll where the people taking the poll are likely to vote a certain way?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Flubber
EMAIL: bumbletrouble@yahoo.com
IP: 63.240.15.99
URL:
DATE: 05/23/2003 11:57:15 AM
'Ceptin this one cuz it's extra moist and delish.

 

Did You Know...?
05/24/2003 01:25:54 AM

• A lightning bolt generates temperatures five times hotter than those found at the sun's surface!

• Most lipstick contains fish scales!

• No piece of square dry paper can be folded more than 7 times in half!

• Cat urine glows under a black-light!

• There are more plastic flamingos in the U.S than real ones!

• Q is the only letter in the alphabet that does not appear in the name of any of the United States!

• In Australia, the Quarter Pounder is known as the Crappy McPatty!

• It is impossible for human beings to walk and defecate at the same time!

• In Iceland, it is illegal for a man to say the word "tongue" in the presence of a woman!

• There are no words in the English language that rhyme with "fussy," "sock," or "pluck"!

• Since 1900, every U.S. President with the letter 'e' in his name has died of dysentery!

• The residents of Farnston, Kansas, population 320, have not laughed once since 1916!

• Arby's roast beef sandwiches are actually made out of human flesh!

• In Portugal, it is perfectly legal to kill anyone, by any method, for any reason!

• The human body contains four eyeballs -- one in the small of your back!

• The crocodile is the only animal that kills for money!

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 67.30.0.204
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com
DATE: 05/24/2003 06:36:55 AM
I'm moving to Portugal....

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 05/24/2003 08:18:36 AM
Did you know...?
Soylent Green is made from people!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lydia
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 65.176.73.203
URL:
DATE: 05/24/2003 01:12:44 PM
You're suspect!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 05/24/2003 06:35:39 PM
"It is impossible for human beings to walk and defecate at the same time!"

It's time for someone out there to prove that humans can do the impossible! And post proof on the Internet!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 67.30.0.111
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com/weblog
DATE: 05/24/2003 11:57:58 PM
According to Howard Stern in "Private Parts," Sam Kinnison was capable of this feat.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Frank
EMAIL: frank@benstyle.com
IP: 24.207.137.133
URL:
DATE: 05/25/2003 07:25:37 AM
Hell, I once saw a guy in Akron run and shit at the same time. Was runnin' from his old lady wearing only a dress shirt and a sock as she chased after him with a frying pan.

Guess I woulda been shittin' too as I ran.

 

The Loser
05/24/2003 03:47:39 AM

He's a dropout, having left high school the year before, but still likes to hang around campus and shoot the breeze with his buddies. He's not a friend, but he has a crush on my friend Kara, so he's hung around us long enough to qualify as an acquaintance.

Dave is a bonafide prodigy. He has an encyclopedic knowledge of subjects ranging from baseball -- he knows every statistic from practically the birth of the game -- to cinema.

Once, he cajoled me into giving him a lift to West L.A. to see Erich von Stroheim's silent masterpiece "Greed" at the Nuart. My mind was thoroughly and utterly blown that night. It was the first time I'd seen a "classic" film as anything but a bore. My life as a movie geek began at that moment, thanks to Dave.

He dropped out of school, not because he couldn't handle the work, but because he couldn't tolerate the petty tyranny of his teachers and the senseless rigamarole of the public education machine. I admire him because, like the rest of us, he hates the system, but unlike the rest of us, he has actually done something about it. He, at least, has made a choice for himself and followed through with it.

One day Dave tells me and Kara that he's thinking of committing suicide. Of course, we try to argue against it and convince him not to do it. But then he asks that most terrifying of questions: "Why? What do I have to live for?" And try as we might, we can't think of anything. He's a dropout with no money, no job, and only the vaguest of aspirations, lacking even the motivation to back them up. If he had even a measure of ambition, things might be different, but he has neither.

So the conversation ends there, in frustrated silence. I know there's a proper response to his question, but I can't think of it. So I say nothing. I shrug helplessly. I let it go.

It's the last time I see Dave.

The usual platitudes and clichés of wisdom are useless in the face of genuine hopelessness. I wonder what I could have said, if anything, to persuade him that he had something to live for. I wonder how to reach someone who is in such a state of despair that they have convinced themselves that death is the only option.

I have no idea what happened to Dave. I hope he decided to live.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lydia
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 65.176.73.203
URL:
DATE: 05/24/2003 01:39:09 PM
I think not knowing what to say is the most frustrating feeling in the universe. It's sort of a "damned if you do, damned if you don't" venture anyway, since if you tell them about the things in life that are worth living for, they won't believe you anyway.

I'd like to think that I would be able to say the perfect thing to make someone change their life, but that doesn't work even in non-volatile situations, much less when someone is asking you to define their existence.

I always think about that when I think of Suicide Hotline people. I wonder how they do it? The tension would get to me, especially if someone hung up on me and I didn't know what they were going to do next.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 05/24/2003 08:04:48 PM
You may be able to at least find out if someone his age with his name is alive and approximately where in the country he is, then maybe decide if the search result is him or not with ussearch.com. Which, yeah, is a little bit creepy but legal.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.193.131
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/25/2003 01:47:46 AM
I should try that, although with a name like "David Weiner," I'm not sure I'd get a reliable search....

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.24.77.141
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 05/28/2003 07:57:36 AM
Dave was so full of contradictions! Incredibly smart, captain of the trivia club of the high school, but completely unmotivated. He was also a hardcore conservative, too, which was weird considering that he didn't seem very industrious.

Classmates.com?

 

Never Forget
05/26/2003 04:29:11 AM


"As I walked away I looked around me and saw nothing but a sea of white marble. I was surrounded by markers representing thousands of men who had laid the ultimate sacrifice upon that same altar of freedom.

"They sacrificed everything they held dear so that I could be free. I had been living their legacy but was oblivious to their sacrifice. I will not make that mistake in the future. Your legacy lives inside me and I will protect it well for it is to be passed to my children. You have made a difference for having lived and died."

-- Ken Arnold, Lessons from Normandy

I treasure my remark to a grandson who asked, "Grandpa, were you a hero in the war?"

"No," I answered, "but I served in a company of heroes."

-- Maj. Richard Winters, WWII Veteran

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lydia
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.191.208.229
URL:
DATE: 05/27/2003 12:28:48 PM
With all the war hero lovin' going on these days, hopefully Memorial Day will be a little more celebrated than it has been in the past. It would be nice to see it stand for more than just a day off from work to pig out on hot dogs and potato salad. Having parents from the WWII generation, seeing a veteran from that war never fails to choke me up. I can't believe what those men (and women) had to go through.

 

AMAZING-ly Bad Science Fiction #2
05/27/2003 04:38:43 AM



THE BABYMINDERS

Slattery stood on the roof of the burning building and raised his fist as he shouted to the night sky..."FREEDOM! FREEDOM FROM TYRANNY!"

On the street below, a crowd had gathered. A lone voice wafted up from the throng: "Why? What's your beef?" The voice belonged to a shortish bespectacled man named Nelson O'Malley, who worked as an accountant in one of the top firms in their futuristic utopian society, but who had thus far failed to find a suitable mate, and so lived alone in a plasteel habitat tower with three cats and a sizable collection of holographic hermaphrodite porn.

"What's my beef?" Slattery replied incredulously. "Do I have to spell it out to you people? We live in a--"

"I'm sorry, did you say 'spell' or 'smell'?" asked a woman in the crowd. "It's kind of hard to hear you since you're seven floors up."

"Spell!" Slattery cried. "Look, the point is, we live in a society in which the very act of child-rearing has been taken away from us! The government prohibits couples from raising their own children, and instead forces the children to grow up in special state-run institutions where they are locked away from all contact with society until adulthood!"

"Well yeah," Nelson replied, "but the kids receive a top-notch education 24 hours a day from highly paid and well trained professionals, as well as a non-denominational program of moral and spiritual guidance which stresses cooperative approaches to problem-solving and a humane, respectful attitude towards other human beings. In addition, the kids are taught strict rules of proper public behavior, including intensive training in etiquette and sensitivity!"

The crowd murmured approvingly. "But our children are locked away from all contact with us!" Slattery insisted.

"Most of us actually don't mind!" the woman responded. (Her name was Marjorie Klein.) "We can actually eat a meal in a restaurant or go to a movie without being serenaded by some squalling brat, and we never have to watch some woman breastfeeding her baby in the middle of a bookstore!"

"Plus," Nelson added, "ever since sociological studies revealed that 75% of parents secretly wish they could dump their puking, shitting babies into the nearest dumpster, mandatory institutionalization of children has actually reduced infanticide and cases of so-called Sudden Infant Death Syndrome by nearly half!"

Slattery rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Geez, I never really looked at it that way before."

"Sheeyah," rumbled the cop-bot as it rose up behind Slattery, "you should maybe have done that before you decided to torch this baby food factory."

"Oh," Slattery said, "I thought it was a government building or something. My bad."

The cop-bot arrested Slattery, and he was found guilty and sentenced to two years in a minimum security prison by the Judge-o-Meter. Later, flying cars were invented.

THE END

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lydia
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.191.208.229
URL:
DATE: 05/27/2003 12:25:12 PM
Damn, I totally want to live in that society.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.107.125.29
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 05/27/2003 12:56:17 PM
That last line...a literary touch...available only to masters!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: bunnieskill333@aol.com
IP: 64.252.50.69
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 05/27/2003 01:49:42 PM
I want to live there too. I don't want to see children, even on Easter Sunday, until they're 25.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.208.169
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 05/27/2003 05:45:30 PM
After spending time in a newly opened alien themed restaurant filled with shrieking brats, I'm with you guys.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lydia
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 65.176.72.72
URL:
DATE: 05/27/2003 10:19:30 PM
Especially on Easter Sunday.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: bunnieskill333@aol.com
IP: 209.36.27.8
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 05/28/2003 06:30:04 AM
What is it with parents bringing children who are too young to VISUALLY FOCUS to Disneyworld, zoos, and alien-themed restaurants? I was at the zoo a couple of weekends ago, and you couldn't move through the sea of strollers. (Never mind the cacophany of squalling babies.) These toddlers couldn't even /see/ the animals properly. Their parents were gawking at them, with one hand on the stroller blocking everybody's way.

If your kid's not old enough to walk, DON'T bring it to a place that involves exhibits or standing in line!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lydia
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.191.201.64
URL:
DATE: 05/28/2003 07:55:06 PM
Amen!

 

The Cosmic Strobe Light
05/30/2003 02:50:23 AM

I'm in a strange place lately. Some days are bright and shiny, others are dark and gloomy, and there is no way to tell which days will be which.

Yes, that place is called Seattle, but within that place there is another, even stranger place. Inside that even stranger place is a big refrigerator box that's all moldy on one side because it's always in the shade. The other side is all faded from being in the sunlight all the time.

Shade.

Mold.

Shademold! Da da-DA!

A bit of Electric Company humor for you Gen X'ers.

Jesus H. Christ!

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lydia
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.191.193.12
URL:
DATE: 05/30/2003 01:05:07 PM
Fuggin ever-present mold.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.24.121.155
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 05/30/2003 09:55:21 PM
This could be the best place yet/ If you just overcome your fears...

 

Coca-Cola Doing Subliminal Advertising
05/30/2003 03:00:02 AM

You know what happened yesterday that really freaked me out? Okay get this. I was sitting here surfing the web, and for no particular reason I started thinking about that Coca-Cola commercial with the famous song -- you know -- "I'd like to buy the world a Coke / And keep it company." I didn't hum it -- I just heard the song in my head. Then, all of a sudden, not two seconds later, Lydia, who's in the other room, FOR NO REASON AT ALL abruptly blurts out, "I'd like to buy the world a Coke!"

What the fuck?

So then that evening, I'm reading Room Temperature by Nicholson Baker, and I come across this passage where he's describing this woman, and for NO REASON AT ALL he alludes to the Coke commercial and writes: "I'd like to buy the world a Coke!"

What the fuck?

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lydia
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.191.193.12
URL:
DATE: 05/30/2003 01:06:28 PM
That was fuggin weird, mostly because the context in which both Baker and I used it was kind of strange, not the normal reasons people would say that phrase. What is the universe trying to say?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.24.121.155
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 05/30/2003 09:54:10 PM
It's such a cool commercial! But, yeah, I think your weird coeenkeedeenk was more than just mere pop culture influence! I'm going to try not to think about it, because I'll lose sleep doing so...

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: tanya
EMAIL: tanichka13@hotmail.com
IP: 65.29.12.122
URL: http://www.redsugar.com/muse/
DATE: 06/01/2003 08:52:33 AM
quick, go read the celestine prophecies. it'll creep you out on coincidences like that forever.

 

Li'l Bloggie Bites
05/30/2003 03:20:00 AM

Anyway....

Yesterday was sunny and mild. I saw X "FUCKING A" 2 for the second time, and have nothing new to report about it except that it still rules.


You know what's cool about MATRIX RELOADED? Neither of the two major Asian characters have dumbass Asian accents. OH I SO SOLLY I DOAN KNOW DAT!!!


Having lost all belief in the things I used to believe passionately in, like True Love, I now find myself losing faith in humanity. People disappoint me. The world disappoints me. What did I expect? I don't know. Less selfishness, maybe. Less fuckedupedness. If you look at that word, "fuckedupedness," do you see the word "duped"? Haha. Less ignorance? No, but ignorance isn't as bad as having a yawning chasm for a soul.


Who emptied half my glass and pissed in the other half?


But if I end it all, I'll never find out what finally happens with the Dark Tower saga. Then again, it's so built up in my mind that the ending will be a letdown no matter what. So, nuts to that.


Sometimes I think about just becoming one of those bitter, cynical bastards you can't stand being in the same room with. I don't think I'm there yet, but I'm getting there with this entry. I am kind of bitter, but I'm not cynical. Or I try not to be, because I think cynicism is small minded. I think of myself as more of a pessimistic idealist.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lydia
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.191.193.12
URL:
DATE: 05/30/2003 01:08:30 PM
Well, the Seraph has a slight accent, but it's not unnecessarily thick. It's almost like they are acknowledging that we'll be able to recognize Asians even if they don't invert their r's and l's! What a concept.

 

20 Things You Don't Know About Me
05/30/2003 04:00:09 AM

1. I'm sorry I made fun of your hair that time.

2. You think I'm blowing smoke, but I really do think you're smarter than I am.

3. I'm sorry I shoved you into that juniper bush.

4. I stopped talking to you because you lied to me all the time.

5. If I had caught you, I think I really would have killed you, or tried to.

6. You think you know, but you don't even know half of it.

7. I wish I had loved you 20% more.

8. I wish you had loved me 20% more.

9. Secretly, I thought I was better than you, and you secretly thought you were better than me, but now I think you are better than me after all.

10. I'd take a bullet for you.

11. You're the reason I don't believe anymore.

12. Not that I ever said you did, but I don't think you have any talent.

13. I kissed your sister.

14. I slashed your tires on three separate occasions because of what you did to your brother.

15. I made it seem like it was my friend, but it was actually me.

16. It's not okay, but it's not your fault, so you don't need to know that.

17. I'll never tell you the one thing I probably should tell you.

18. I love you.

19. I love you.

20. You think you're on this list, but you're not.

 

Hi, I'm Going Fucking Insane!
05/30/2003 04:05:27 AM

But I love you so so much! Don't ever change.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.107.125.29
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 05/30/2003 11:48:14 PM
INSANE! WELCOME!

 

I Need a Large Sock Filled With Manure
05/30/2003 09:30:43 AM

Li'l bunts from today's NY Post...

Paramount has optioned Avril Lavigne's hit "Skater Boy" for a feature-length film, says the Hollywood Reporter. It's about a teenage girl who rejects a skater boy with a crush on her because her friends don't approve. She later learns he's become a famous rock star. The picture will be in the same vein as other musically-influenced titles like "Footloose" and "Flashdance."

Regarding his long-standing battle with Wolfe, [Norman] Mailer tells the mag, "Tom Wolfe pouts whenever he feels he is not being sufficiently honored by his literary brothers. So I say, yes, by all means, let's honor him. He may be the best boy-novelist we have ever had." Wolfe -- who's been equally vitriolic with regards to Mailer, Irving and Updike for years -- responds, "They felt threatened by my idea of a big return to the naturalistic novel [with "A Man in Full"]. And I really do think it shook them up."

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.24.121.155
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 05/30/2003 09:49:21 PM
I hate the NY Post! It's America's answer to all those cheesy British tabloid newpspapers.

 

Why I Hate Seattle #23,913
05/30/2003 09:48:13 AM

Northgate Mall: Scariest Place on Earth? Sure, if Seattle is the only city on Earth. Oh, wait, I forgot, as far as anyone around here is concerned, it IS the Earth.

All right, whatever. For the record, of this "terrifying" roster of crimes committed in/near Northgate Mall, about half are crimes that have nothing whatsoever to do with the mall itself (like a high speed chase that happened to end -- violently -- there). And a lot worse happens on any randomly selected street corner in Los Angeles on a single night than in the whole of this overpampered, narcissistic, utterly clueless podunk metropolis wanna-be.

What's that? Why don't I move somewhere else, if I hate Seattle so much? Are you kidding? Other cities have CRIME! And what would I do if I lived in a town without Dick's? Where would I find another staggeringly overrated burger joint serving tiny, lifeless shingle-like patties on cheap ass buns for laughably high prices and which charges for ketchup, yet is inexplicably worshipped by a population that has evidently never tasted a real burger?

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lydia
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.191.193.12
URL:
DATE: 05/30/2003 01:00:34 PM
There is a theory that the further away you get from a Dick's, the weaker you get, and that's why everyone else in the country is so depressed and lacking in ambition. That's just so unlike the people here. The twenty-somethings you see hanging around at all hours of the day just have flexible work schedules.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.189.16.54
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 05/30/2003 02:07:37 PM
Hey, a city with an Archie McPhee store can't be all bad!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.193.12
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/30/2003 08:22:21 PM
Eh, Seattle isn't a bad city to live in, it's just incredibly annoying. That's the thing that's so hard to explain to people who visit here. I'm not miserable here the way I'd be in, say, Miami (no offense, but I really hate that city), but I'm constantly irritated. It's like the difference between drowning and Chinese water torture. The agony of living in Seattle is psychological and spiritual. Also, if you lived in Seattle at any time during the glory years before it went to shit, the contrast is even more depressing. Maybe it's the fact that this city has the potential to be cool that makes its mediocrity so unbearable.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.24.123.153
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 05/30/2003 08:38:11 PM
Malls are generally scary places.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: chinh
EMAIL: chinh@chinh.org
IP: 69.22.8.149
URL: http://www.chinh.org
DATE: 05/31/2003 01:36:44 AM
there is a northgate mall here in houston... funny... very ghetto... must be like the MLK street of malls.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Dan
EMAIL: dan@4werd.com
IP: 216.160.93.5
URL: http://www.foreword.com/danelope.php
DATE: 06/01/2003 12:07:55 PM
Amen, man. Amen!

 

Area Weblogger Removes Comment Feature from Weblog
05/31/2003 03:09:55 AM

Dear Reader:

As part of Weirdsmobile's ongoing commitment to bold new visions and innovative solutions for today's competitive marketplace, I am removing the comment feature from my weblog. Although the feedback and sense of connection between author and reader is valuable and enjoyable, I feel that the long-term impact of a comment system on this weblog may be counterproductive. Independent studies indicate that comment systems may tend to compromise the integrity of the content posted at weblogs, especially those authored by individuals prone to feedback addiction.

Therefore, effective immediately, please direct any comments, questions, or discussion pertaining to anything posted at this weblog to The People's Republic of Aimless Chatter.

Although this decision may come as a surprise to many longtime readers and commenters on this site, I feel that in the long run it will be of benefit to all involved. It is certain to transform the weblogging landscape itself, and quite possibly lead to breakthroughs in the Israeli-Palestinian peace process. We hope you enjoy our new direction.

Best Regards,

B²
President and CEO
Are You There, God? It's Me, Your Port-a-Potty™
A wholly owned subsidiary of Weirdsmobile Press

 

Li'l Raiders of the Lost Ark
06/01/2003 03:06:31 AM

This is the kind of thing that only impassioned pre-teen boys could come up with. From AICN...in 1982, a bunch of 12 year olds got together and began filming a shot-by-shot remake of Raiders of the Lost Ark. Decades later, this long-lost labor of love has resurfaced, much to the joy of nostalgic geeks everywhere. You can see a trailer for it online. Apparently Spielberg has seen it and was impressed. I hope it makes it onto the upcoming Raiders DVD.

This must be the compensation genre filmmakers get for the lack of mainstream prestige -- I mean, The Pianist may be a great film, but it'll never have legions of fans who love it with such purity of heart that they're willing to put seven years of work into a tribute like this.

Wow, gentlemen. Wow!

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White Rabbit!
06/01/2003 03:17:29 AM

Did you grow up with the tradition that, on the first of each month, if you saw a white rabbit and immediately cried out "White rabbit!" you'd have good luck for that month? Well, here's your rabbit for June!



Don't ever say Unca B never did nothin' for ya.

 

Been Livin' With Nothing to Show for It
06/01/2003 03:30:46 AM


You remind me I live in a shell
Safe from the past and doin' okay
But not very well
No jolts, no surprises, no crisis arises
My life goes along as it should
It's all very nice
But not very good

 

The Foul Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart
06/01/2003 04:34:21 AM

1. The sound in my head is a dial tone.

2. All the little purple pills in the world.

3. Inappropriate laughter.

4. A state of emergency.

5. No sleep.

6. Eat until you are satisfied.

7. This is not even my pillow.

8. I am thinking about you right now.

9. Does not play well with other children.

10. Where all the ladders start.

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Poot Poot Poot
06/01/2003 04:37:23 AM

Stop that.

 

Grammar Hezbollah
06/01/2003 11:17:59 AM

Bob the Corgi:

I don't agree with the rules of writing style that claim all punctuation should be inside of the quotation marks.When I went to school, the punctuation was only inside if it was part of the thought that was included in there. And that's how I do it no matter who changed the rules. So I just want you to understand that I am aware of the rule, but I do not abide by it.

I believe this as well. Actually, I wasn't aware the rule had changed, but if it has, then the new rule is lame. But then, I'm a little severe in that I tend to feel that words within quotation marks are inviolate, and should be considered wholly separate entities, transcendent from their parent sentence, like a piece of evidence in a criminal trial.

If I had my way, I'd make a rule that anything within quotation marks is to be treated as if it weren't there at all, even to the extent of doubling punctuation marks at the end of a sentence! Example:

I've never felt so in need of a stiff drink as after watching Richard Burton and Elizabeth Taylor fling acid at each other for two straight hours in "Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?".

As you can see, my convictions bring me to the edge of some seriously transgressive behavior.

 

To Do List
06/01/2003 02:36:34 PM

1. Blame parents for most if not all of my emotional problems.

2. Become heavily medicated.

3. Drink a beer through a shirt that somebody threw and landed on my head but I was too drunk to notice.

4. Get into a barroom brawl.

5. When someone says to me, "Oh, and by the way...thanks", instead of responding I stare at them in thoughtful silence for two beats and exit the room.

6. Get caught in a horrible lie.

7. Have problems sleeping as the faces of those I've wronged hover before me in the dark of night.

8. Watch a lot of "Babylon 5".

9. Alienate friends with extreme views on crew neck vs. v-neck undershirts.

10. Feel smug about not watching network/cable TV anymore, even though I now spend that time mindlessly surfing the web.

11. Worry that when I think things, I'm actually saying them out loud without knowing it.

12. Breastfeed on my girlfriend in the middle of Borders, and when patrons complain, insist that breastfeeding is a "natural and beautiful act."

13. Watch a lot of "MST3K".

14. Successfully complete the Great American Novel while chatting with three people via IM.

15. Receive e-mail from people, take weeks to respond, but nevertheless feel vaguely annoyed if they don't reply back in a timely fashion.

16. Use the word "schadenfreude" to the point of irritation.

17. Instill my own neuroses and personality defects in my dogs.

18. 1 doz. eggs.

19. 1 quart skim milk.

20. Swiss cheese.

 

Requiem for Sad Cat
06/02/2003 12:46:54 AM

When my sister was little, this is how I would entertain her. She had this pink stuffed kitty that she named Sad Cat, because...I'm not sure why, actually. I guess it looked kind of forlorn.

This is how it happened every time: Sad Cat would be minding his own business, having tea with Holly Hobbie or maybe free-climbing the bedpost, when suddenly THE BABY would appear!

THE BABY is in all caps because that was always how we said her name. This was her intro: "dun dun dunnn....THE BABY!!!! (chorus: THE BABY!!)" THE BABY, which was a tiny three-inch-tall girl doll with ragged blonde hair and wearing a powder blue sweatsuit (I dunno why she was called THE BABY when she was obviously at least 10 years old), would royally bust poor Sad Cat's balls and screw up whatever it was he was doing at the time. If he was climbing up the bedpost, THE BABY would appear at the top of the bedpost, and hit Sad Cat on the head, and Sad Cat would be all Ahhhhh and fall to the ground.

Sad Cat wasn't much of a match for THE BABY, because THE BABY could fly and had super strength, while Sad Cat was...fuzzy. But whenever Sad Cat teamed up with Holly Hobbie and Snoopy, they could gang up on THE BABY and send her packing. That was always the best, when THE BABY would get all freaked out and fly away in fast motion.

The epic struggle between Sad Cat and THE BABY ended one unfortunate day when he developed a tear in his seam, and our mom, not knowing Sad Cat was my sister's boon companion, threw him into the trash. Later, we searched all through the garbage, but never found poor Sad Cat. My sister was inconsolable, and bears the scars of grief to this day.

In an attempt to make up for the loss of Sad Cat, my mom and I went to Wilson's department store to get her a replacement Cat. The closest we came was a pink stuffed kitty that looked almost like Sad Cat, but was smaller, and made out of different material.

My sister dubbed him Mad Cat, because he had these steely blue eyes and an intense gaze that looked incredibly hostile. He was no Sad Cat, but he eventually found his own niche in my sister's heart, and most importantly, became an invaluable ally in the continuing war against THE BABY. Unlike Sad Cat, who was, let's face it, kind of a wuss, Mad Cat was a badass mofo.

From then on, whenever THE BABY appeared, she'd be all, "dun dun dunnn...THE BA-" but never finish, because Mad Cat would instantly leap into action, laying down an insane Lee Van Cleef all over THE BABY's bitch ass. Not long after that, THE BABY, clearly outmatched, quietly faded away to a forgotten corner of the toy box.

Sad Cat, wherever you may be, know that you have been avenged, and that your sacrifice was not in vain. You shall be remembered with honor.

 

Ewww
06/03/2003 01:20:57 AM

The upstairs neighbors' window is open, and while I was walking the dogs earlier I could hear them having sex! It's funny what people get up to when they think it's late enough at night that nobody will be walking around.

And yeah, I found the whole thing rather arousing, although I'd never admit this to a bunch of complete strangers on a public weblog.

 

"My Son Has Scant Bladder Control...and I Love Him!
06/03/2003 01:47:39 AM

You're the mother of a bedwetting child. You're wandering the aisles of your local Rite-Aid, wondering if there's anything that can be done to remedy this embarrassing, malodorous situation.

Then, at the end of aisle 7 between the K-Y Jelly and the Vagisil, you see it -- the answer to your prayers, wedged into a cardboard tray reading "TAKE ONE":

Won't you feel relieved (so to speak) and overjoyed as you stride past the other customers to pick up one of these boldly lettered flyers and proudly slap it into your shopping basket, announcing your child's incontinence to the world?

 

The Rules of Attraction
06/04/2003 03:26:33 AM

Probably the biggest drawback of being an Asperger kid is that you grow up in a kind of social and sensory bubble. You can talk with people, but you can't fully understand how they tick, or why they do the things they do. You don't grasp the intricacies of social interaction, the subtle and complex dance that happens between human beings in various situations -- such as romance.

Although I have a marriage and several relationships of varying seriousness in my past, I know next to nothing about dating. My social ineptitude means that I've always sought out relationships in ways that didn't require a whole lot of savvy about social rituals. For instance, meeting and getting to know people through personal ads or the Internet before getting together in person. Avenues where I can put my best foot forward -- which is to say, words -- before letting the girl witness my shy, inarticulate flesh and blood self, so that by the time the physical encounter happens, I've already gotten past the byzantine and terrifying "hi there" introductory stage.

So I've never, for instance, struck up a conversation with a complete stranger in a public place, or (deliberately) flirted with the Borders Café Girl. I'm ashamed to say that, at the age of 34, I'm still basically clueless in that area. The last time I experienced anything like your conventional "their eyes met across a crowded room" type meetings was in college, and I was plastered every time, so I never learned anything from those experiences. I got married right out of college, so I feel like I'm a decade behind single people my age who are battle-tested veterans of the dating game.

Over the years since my breakup and in re-entering the whole nightmarish dating scene, I've been trying to catch up on what I've missed with a crash course in human social behavior. Between the Asperger Syndrome and my relative lack of hands-on (so to speak) experience, I feel like I'm struggling with basic arithmetic in a classroom full of calculus students. (Of course, I've been a fascinated observer of people my entire life, and know something about how they behave amongst each other, but when it comes to applying this wisdom to myself, I'm lost.)

The sad thing about learning all this stuff now and not, say, when I was 13, is that in hindsight I realize that I could have gotten a lot more action in high school and college if I hadn't been too clueless to recognize the signals that got thrown my way. Even now, it's only when I leave a place and someone tells me, "Hey, I think that girl liked you!" that I get any inkling of what happened. I just don't sense these things; or if I do sense them, I don't know what they mean.

Long story short, I'm a big dweeb.

A couple of questions came up today that I was curious about. I'm turning comments on for this entry because I'd like to solicit your feedback on these baffling issues. Help me figure out this crazy thing called love! Or at least attraction.

1. How do you tell the difference between a girl smiling at you because she thinks you're cute, and a girl smiling at you merely out of friendliness/politeness? I asked a female friend about this, and she maintains that in a public or "crowded room" setting, 99% of the time a girl will only smile at you if she thinks you're cute. True? False?

2. Once in a long while I'll encounter a total stranger, and suddenly feel this weird frisson of intense attraction. It's not like a typical "Wow, that girl is hot!" kind of response -- and the girl isn't necessarily a raving beauty. It's a bone-rattling sensation, like the friction of two auras rubbing up against each other. My fight-or-flight response kicks in, and the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. My question is, when this happens, is it just me, or does the other person feel any of this as well?

Thanks in advance for any words of wisdom for a fellow American who's down on his luck.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jessica
EMAIL: jessica@peacedividend.com
IP: 66.117.128.123
URL: http://www.peacedividend.com
DATE: 06/04/2003 09:31:17 AM
is it just me, or does the other person feel any of this as well?
Undoubtedly she does. Glances across a crowded room? Smiles over coffee cups? Bone-rattling aura brushing? All powerful exchanges. That doesn't guarantee anything tho: for some people, that's all the thrill they need. For others, they're too shy to do anything about it, and prefer instead to sit in their own cold sweat. There's still another group, though, that follows through and turns it into hot sweat... or, you know, exchanging philosophies and life stories over more coffee. Or whatever.

As for the "does she think I'm cute?" question: it couldn't hurt to ask her. Either she doesn't, and is bitch about it, or she didn't, but now she does because of your charming query, or she really really did and there you go.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rengirl
EMAIL: imac@pixelsensei.com
IP: 12.22.65.5
URL:
DATE: 06/04/2003 05:18:42 PM
If I smile at a guy, it's most likely because I want to meet him. However, I would usually find something to say to him soon afterwards because I want him to know that he caught my attention. I don't think I have a problem breaking the ice but I'm pretty lost after that. I just hope that the guy picks up my cue at this point and asks for my phone number.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: chinh
EMAIL: chinh@chinh.org
IP: 69.22.8.149
URL: http://www.chinh.org
DATE: 06/04/2003 07:33:43 PM
I tend to smile alot to other men when I am single.. yeah and mostly to cutie pies...

As for the frisson -- that's a tough call. It's always hard to tell.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lydia
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.191.240.89
URL:
DATE: 06/04/2003 08:51:57 PM Wow, Rengirl and Chinh are my heroes. I wish I had that kind of boldness (being half as cute would be nice, too!).

I would answer #2 by saying that probably the other person feels the fact that you're feeling it, but whether they are feeling the same thing or not remains to be seen. I'm not sure if people really share moments like that... I think it is more like each has their own moment of combustion.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: tanya
EMAIL: tanichka13@hotmail.com
IP: 65.29.12.122
URL: http://www.redsugar.com/muse/
DATE: 06/05/2003 07:09:22 AM
the next time you leave a place and someone tells you, "hey, I think that girl liked you," smack them upside the head for not telling you before you left. they need a code word or something. jeez.

yentas of the world unite.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.104.35
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 06/05/2003 08:29:44 AM
I'm friendly to just about everyone, so the whole world probably thinks I'm in love with them. That in itself is probably a social defect, so...I have no words of wisdom on this one.

1. - I smile extra nice if I think the guy is cute. *sigh*
2. I'm always uncertain about this one. It's probably happening with both people, I'd imagine - like some sort of chemistry is in the air.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.133.10.89
URL:
DATE: 06/05/2003 11:41:23 PM
No. 1 - Know your eye contact. When I smile at a guy to be polite, I may or may not make direct eye contact; and if I make eye contact it is brief and I look away without the need to look again. When I smile at a guy because he's cute, I give him more eye contact (this does not mean that I stare him down or give him piercing eye contact, but it does not hurt to coyly throw more than one glance while still smiling to make sure that he's seen me smiling at him and for me to check him out some more).

No. 2 - Yes, it's you; no, she probably did not even notice you, and be glad because if she had noticed you standing near her acting all strange in your frission of intense attraction (trying to get a whiff of the perfume that's lingering in her hair while your two auras rubbed up against eachother) she'd have called mall security and have you booted out or arrested. But seriously, if when you encounter such a feeling, take a moment to breathe deeply, and calmly glance around to see if scenario No. 1 is occuring (if she notices you and is smiling, try to ascertain if it's to be nice or because you're cute) and maybe she's feeling it too.

 

Area Weblogger Backtracks, Reinstates Comment System in Response to Stinging Criticism, Death Threats
06/05/2003 02:54:11 AM

So there!

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 68.166.19.230
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 06/05/2003 05:45:13 AM
Yay! Now I can leave meaningful comments such as "Yay!"

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.104.35
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 06/05/2003 08:24:29 AM
Yay!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 06/05/2003 02:38:32 PM
Hells yeah.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.133.10.89
URL:
DATE: 06/05/2003 11:42:36 PM
lovin you for bringing them back.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.25.250.40
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 06/06/2003 08:28:55 PM
Yay!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jen
EMAIL: jen@verybigdesign.com
IP: 24.209.12.237
URL: http://www. verybigdesign.com/verybigblog
DATE: 06/07/2003 05:33:13 PM
Ok , you did your part.

You'll find your beloved cat behind the dumpster belonging to "The Toddle Inn" Bar 15th street.

Thank you for bowing to our "request".

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B
EMAIL: bs_liang@hotmail.com
IP: 66.81.187.96
URL:
DATE: 06/10/2003 11:23:37 AM
this is better for lazy people like me.

 

Word of the Day
06/05/2003 03:37:37 AM

ris i ble 1. Relating to laughter or used in eliciting laughter. 2. Eliciting laughter; ludicrous. 3. Capable of laughing or inclined to laugh.

Usage notes: Forbidden. Do not ever, ever use the word "risible" in any context or medium. It is one of the most pointless words in the English language, existing only to offer pseudointellectuals and pretentious types a high-toned version of the word "funny" for use in condescending literary essays. "Risible" evokes the image of a tweedy highbrow twerp trying to come off as clever. It is not clever. It is tedious and lame.

No real man with intact testes would be caught dead using this word in an unironic fashion. As for women, any damsel worth her salt is far too sensitive to soil her vocabulary with a word this contemptible. What definitively condemns this word, however, is the fact that "risible" is itself thoroughly un-risible. Look at some words associated with humor and laughter: guffaw, chuckle, jape, giggle. Beyond their dictionary definitions, these words are themselves funny! Yet "risible" is as bone dry as a DMV functionary.

Instead of this awful word, use one that truly captures what you're attempting to say. If not "funny," then "ludicrous." Which reminds me, is there a hip hop artist named "Rizibul"? No? Of course not! Yet there is a hip hop artist named "Ludacris." Why? Because even a semi-literate doofus can tell that "ludicrous" is a real word whereas "risible" is a signal to beat the shit out of anyone lame enough to say it.

Let us from this moment on dedicate ourselves to preventing future occurrences of this vile word and eradicating it from the English language.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.104.35
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 06/05/2003 08:31:21 AM
Heehee...that post was risible.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lydia
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.187.240.248
URL:
DATE: 06/05/2003 10:47:14 AM
Amen! Words like "risible" are there only to make snobs sounds like intellectual snobs, and should be obliterated. I am not opposed to all $10 words, but I do take exception when they do not add any meaning whatsoever. For example, I don't mind seeing the word "sanguine" instead of just saying "optimistic" because it indicates a cheerfulness and hopefulness in addition to being generally positive or receptive. The extra oomph makes it a useful word.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ben
EMAIL: ben@benstyle.com
IP: 65.69.80.82
URL: http://www.benstyle.com
DATE: 06/05/2003 11:44:09 AM
Your suggestion is doubleplusgood. The Ministry would like to speak to you about some more of your indubitably good suggestions.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.133.10.89
URL:
DATE: 06/05/2003 11:46:07 PM
mwahahaaa.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.25.250.40
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 06/06/2003 08:28:21 PM
Susan stole my line! Heh heh!

 

B²'s Pretty Good Garlic Fried Trout with Lemon-Lime Wine Sauce
06/06/2003 11:39:00 PM

The subtle, slightly sweet flavor of white wine sauce accentuates the delicate flavor of trout without covering up or overpowering it. Serve this with a nice green salad. Yum.

Trout:

2 fresh trout (or other white fish)
1 egg, beaten
2 tbsp. crushed garlic
1 pinch fresh chopped basil
1 tsp. grated lemon zest
2 tbsp. olive oil

Sauce:

1 cup white wine
2 tbsp. butter
2 tbsp lemon juice
2 tbsp lime juice
salt and black pepper to taste

(Note: I make everything more or less "to taste" so the above quantities are approximate. Modify according to personal preference.)

1. Smell trout for freshness. It should smell like a mountain stream in late spring, blue-green water foaming around the rocks as newly-hatched mayflies hover just above the surface, their wings reflecting specks of early morning light. Or at least not too fishy.

2. Rinse fish well under cold water. If necessary, cut off the head, a slight moue of disgust curling your upper lip as the lopped-off head tumbles into the sink, its unblinking eyes staring in sightless bewilderment. Suddenly imagine yourself in a bizarre world where fish cook humans for dinner, and visualize your disembodied head rolling around the sink basin as a gigantic trout smiles approvingly.

3. If you're cool with fish bones, just slice the fish into fillets at this point. Otherwise, cut trout in half lengthwise and remove the spine and bones, taking care to tear of as little of the flesh as possible. Remove the fins, because those are just gross. Don't you feel like a monster, ripping this poor creature apart like this? Shame on you! Oh well, it's already dead anyway.

4. Realize that you just spent 40 minutes rinsing and deboning two trout, and hurry through the remaining steps.

5. Combine egg, garlic, basil, and lemon zest in a bowl. (Remember, when grating lemon zest, don't grate all the way down to the bitter white part.) Feel vaguely dumb calling lemon rind "zest." Lime rinds should be called "flair."

6. In a large pan, heat olive oil on medium-high heat. Olive oil is good for you. Swirl it around the pan real good so it's all coated.

7. Dip fish into egg mixture, then place in pan and jump as hot oil spatters onto your exposed forearm. Fry about 3 minutes on each side. Remove from pan and set aside.

8. In the same pan that you just cooked the fish in, add white wine. Turn heat to high and cook until alcohol boils off and wine is reduced by half. Consider drinking the rest of the wine, then remember that it's some $2.99 cheapo wine you got at Trader Joe's specifically for this dish. Instead, stand over pan and inhale deeply of the steamed-off alcohol fumes.

9. When wine is reduced, add lemon juice, lime juice, salt and pepper. Remove from heat and deglaze the sauce by adding butter, 1 tablespoon at a time, and stirring until it is all melted in. Yes, butter. Not margarine. Not "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter." Preferably unsalted. Trust me, you'll like it, plus now you know how to deglaze a wine sauce.

10. Pour wine sauce over fish. Eat, then pat your tummy and say "Them was some damn fine eats!"

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lydia
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.190.40.159
URL:
DATE: 06/07/2003 02:52:04 PM
I love fish with wine sauce! When you cook it this way, most of the alcohol (and hence, the sugar) boils off and leaves a very subtle, wonderful taste afterwards. It doesn't mask the taste of the trout, either, which is important since trout is a very tasty fish. Yum!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: bunnieskill333@aol.com
IP: 69.0.91.24
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 06/08/2003 12:09:00 PM
I need to practice deboning things. Maybe I'll start with this recipe. I buy ALL my meat in boneless form, so I've never learned the skill of cutting it up properly.

I also buy Broccoli Wokly pre-chopped broccoli florets, pre-squished garlic, and those baked potatoes that come individually sealed and ready to pop in your microwave.

I don't want to hear about it.

 

Better Living Through Chemistry
06/07/2003 04:09:25 AM

I've been kind of blue -- melancholy blue, not Buddy Hackett blue -- lately, but I think getting back on the meds faithfully has restored a good portion of my spirits. Let's hear it for 60 mg Prozac and 300 mg Wellbutrin daily with meals!

I just now woke up after falling asleep at the keyboard. Don't you hate it when that happens? Sometimes I'll fall asleep and just keep typing, which often results in some pretty avant-garde stuff.

I had this mini-dream about Ronald Reagan sitting on his front porch in Bel Air, and this long line of former Reagan Administration officials waiting to ask Reagan one by one if he still remembers them.

I have an annoying tendency to babble nonsense when I get really sleepy. I am babbling now.... Yes, gosh darn it, yes...both straps of a backpack...not the red....

I just wrote four consecutive paragraphs starting with "I".

I mean five. Six! Six consecutive paragraphs starting with "I".

¡Nobody expects the Spanish Punctuatioñ!

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 06/07/2003 05:01:05 AM
Fuck!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 06/07/2003 05:01:48 AM
Damn, that ' ' looks like an 'i'!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jessica
EMAIL: jessica@peacedividend.com
IP: 66.117.128.123
URL: http://www.peacedividend.com
DATE: 06/07/2003 10:25:36 AM
i I was going to suggest amphetamines, but it looks like you're perking up plenty!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.190.40.159
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 06/07/2003 11:20:14 AM
¡don't even remember writing this entry!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.148.68.13
URL:
DATE: 06/07/2003 05:32:57 PM
is this like the blogger form of drunk dialing?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 06/09/2003 01:09:19 PM
Arriba!

 

Boredom Comix
06/08/2003 07:45:10 PM


Thanks to Susan

 

What I'm Up To
06/08/2003 07:49:02 PM

Not much...what about you?

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 06/08/2003 09:18:17 PM
I went grocery shopping for the first time in weeks. Now, I'm watching Adult Swim, eathing, and looking at web sites, most of which have been unupdated since the last time I looked at them.

I hope I have the good sense to get up and do something else if this goes on for too long.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 06/08/2003 10:19:14 PM
Whoa - didn't even see the link before.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 67.30.1.90
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com
DATE: 06/08/2003 11:51:52 PM
I'm sorry... What did you say?

 

Public Service Blogging
06/09/2003 01:20:07 PM

social+ineptitude

I guess it's appropriate that my site comes up 17th on a Yahoo search for "social ineptitude." Since this is Public Service Blogging day, let me help fulfill this Yahoo seeker's needs by sharing a few golden moments from my encounters with the human race:

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 68.166.19.78
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 06/09/2003 06:04:03 PM
Haha... I need to remember not to read your site while I'm eating because I laugh and things start coming out of my nose. Does that also fall into this category?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike
EMAIL: mike@whybark.com
IP: 216.173.212.237
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 06/09/2003 08:50:09 PM
a ha ha ha ha

ow

ow

ha ha ha

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jeff
EMAIL: tambrnman@hotmail.com
IP: 68.67.130.12
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/intersensei
DATE: 06/09/2003 09:54:54 PM
oh wow LOL! I cannot believe the carbon paper one! too funny...

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.24.73.56
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 06/09/2003 11:01:51 PM
Ah, yes! Good ole "Mrs. Smith"! At least you don't have to live with the guilt of having cheated on one of her extra-credit physics contests.

That projectile vomit-in the bathroom story will go down as a classic of B-squared lore.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: tanya
EMAIL: tanichka13@hotmail.com
IP: 65.29.12.122
URL: http://www.redsugar.com/muse/
DATE: 06/10/2003 10:53:22 AM
hahahahaha *cough* giggle.

ow.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.105.200
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 06/10/2003 03:25:56 PM
Oh my...that was hilarious. That carbon paper one is a classic!

 

Ain't It Hypocritical?
06/10/2003 01:45:07 PM

The red-hot scandal this week in fanboy circles is Monday's AICN article/rant by longtime Ain't It Cool writer "Moriarty" (Drew McWeeny), in which Moriarty takes fans to task for downloading leaked copies of The Hulk workprint (which has garnered surprisingly harsh reviews) from the Internet. Moriarty decries the piracy and attacks what he calls thieves who are hurting the film industry by disseminating works-in-progress (and reviews thereof) that can seriously harm a movie's word of mouth.

Excuse me???

From: pot@aint-it-cool-news.com
To: kettle@fanboy.com
Subject: You're Black!


This, from the site that not only regularly posts early screening reports and leaked script reviews, but which also featured Head Geek Harry Knowles himself reviewing an early workprint of Attack of the Clones?

How times change. Remember when AICN was the renegade of the movie gossip industry, instead of a studio lapdog?

I want to say more, but I have a movie to go to, so I'll link to this David Poland article that pretty much sums up my feelings on this issue. Also check out this interesting Hollywood Bitchslap article summing up the "True Hollywood Story" behind AICN.

Sad. I used to love AICN, and it's a shame to see what's happened to it over the years.

UPDATE.... I'm back from the movie (Finding Nemo, about which more later) and itchin' for more gripin' on this issue. As deliciously dishy as the Hollywood Bitchslap's Knowles takedown is, some of these comments are out of hand. Yeah, Harry's fat. Get over it already. It's funny how much the weight issue comes up, especially in a community of athletic, toned beautiful people like fantasy/horror/sci-fi and movie geeks. Like liberals, fanboys only eat their own.

I like Harry a lot, even now that he's gone Hollywood on us. Some people trash him for his "personal" style of film reviewing, but I find it much more honest and refreshing than your typical newspaper Arts section reviews, most of which could be written by computers. So Harry liked Armageddon? Well guess what? So did a lot of people, including me. I wouldn't call it an intelligent or particularly emotionally mature movie, but it speaks to the patriot in me, and the idealist who devoured Heinlein as a kid and dreamed of grand adventure in the stars. That's what I saw in the movie, and that's what Harry saw, and what so many others missed. Their loss. But I'm tired of his Armageddon review constantly being brought up as an example of his "selling out" to the studios, as if it's inconceivable that anyone could have honestly liked that movie.

Sorry to go off on that Armageddon rant, but it's a sore spot with me. Point is, Knowles and his site have a multitude of flaws, but I think he's always had his heart in the right place. The phenomenon that is AICN would never have existed without an übergeek like Harry, who not only lives for movies, but loves them in a way that most critics have long forgotten how to do. Genuine passion means that you don't cynically analyze every step you make. Passion means you make a lot of mistakes, goof up, and piss people off, because it's about living for something other than your own mundane needs.

So it's all the more depressing to see AICN evolve into something far less idealistic and far more cynical and mundane. I don't think it's even Harry's fault, necessarily, but rather the consequence of his innocence and enthusiasm that have made him such an easy mark for the studios. And while I've had respect for McWeeny in the past, it's hard not to look at his present attitude in light of his recent entry into the biz as a screenwriter, and figure he's learned what side his bread is really buttered on, now that he's become an industry insider.

Wow, sorry to go on like that about something most people probably couldn't give two shits about. Now back to your previously scheduled griping about the grotesque purgatory that is life!

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.105.200
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 06/10/2003 03:34:09 PM
I knew ever since I saw Harry appear on a talk shows years ago that AICN would go down the tubes! He looked too eager to please.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike
EMAIL: mike@whybark.com
IP: 216.173.212.237
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 06/10/2003 04:47:19 PM
Harry was threatend by Lucasfilm during the proceedings that led to jail and massive fines against the misguided ex-Lucas dope that slipped Harry the Clones print.

I think we can assume he's on some sort of studio probation and leash in order to avoid being shut down, which, honestly, the studios don't want either.

(I am an ex-Cinescape news editor, so I know these things.)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.187.241.201
URL: http://http;//www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 06/10/2003 07:11:37 PM
Well, at some point all movie reviewers turn into movie critics if they aren't careful. It's just a shame it had to happen to someone who seemed to genuinely love movies and not the system that makes them. :P

I'm surprised at Moriarty, though. Why does he think he has a leg to stand on here?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.190.40.143
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 06/10/2003 08:44:32 PM
Mike -- wow, that's interesting. I didn't know there had been that kind of fallout from the AOTC thing. From what I'm reading, it seems more apparent that AICN from the beginning of its success has been a lucrative tool for the industry. I used to pooh-pooh the many accusations of "studio plant!" from the Talkbackers, but now I don't know....

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.190.40.143
URL: http://http;//www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 06/10/2003 10:04:32 PM
Yeah, it was kind of a surprise to read that in the bitchslap article. I guess I don't read the Talkback often enough to see what fanboys are saying, and haven't read his reviews regularly for a while, now. There's only so much misspelling and INAPPROPRIATE EMPHASIS that one can TAKE in a short space of TIME.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike
EMAIL: mike@whybark.com
IP: 216.173.212.234
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 06/11/2003 03:38:07 PM
moriarty cops:

http://www.aintitcool.com/display.cgi?id=15427

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ed
EMAIL: ed@edrants.com
IP: 66.92.28.63
URL: http://www.edrants.com
DATE: 06/14/2003 03:13:50 PM
As I recall, back around 98 or 99, Film Threat was the first publication to rat out Harry Knowles for the cad under thumb that he is.

 

Public Service Blogging
06/11/2003 01:52:40 AM

ambien+stories



Sarah: Portrait of a Teenage Insomniac



Sarah, 16, was a junior at Sunny Hills High School. A pretty blonde with a bright smile, Sarah was not only popular with her classmates, but was also a straight-A student. Sarah planned to go to Yale and become a lawyer. Her parents were very proud of her!

One day, Sarah came to school bleary eyed instead of her usual chipper self. Her friends were concerned. "Is anything wrong?" asked Lisa, her best friend.

"No...I just stayed up late the other night studying for my History test, and it messed up my internal clock, so now I can't get to sleep at all!"

Lisa said, "Meet me by my locker today after school, and I'll give you something that will help cure your insomnia!"

Later that afternoon, Sarah met Lisa at her locker. Lisa glanced down the hallway to make sure they weren't seen, and reached into her locker. She produced a small baggie filled with some brown substance Sarah had never seen before. "What is that?" Sarah asked innocently.

"Check it out," Lisa whispered, holding the baggie up to give Sarah a better look. "It's valerian root tea!"

"I don't think you're supposed to have that at school!" Sarah replied, shocked.

"God, Sarah, don't be such a square!" Lisa said, rolling her eyes. "Valerian root is a natural sleep aid. Everybody uses it! I'll bet even your mom brews a little valerian tea once in a while."

"No she doesn't!" Sarah yelled. "My parents don't need herbal remedies to get to sleep!"

"Okay, okay," Lisa said soothingly. "Just try a little of this tonight. I promise you it'll work!"

Sarah bit her lip, eyeing the dark herb nervously. Finally, she took the baggie with trembling fingers and stuffed it into her purse.


The next morning, Lisa stopped Sarah outside their homeroom. "Well? How'd you like it?" Lisa asked.

"It did make me kinda drowsy," Sarah admitted. "I liked it."

"It's awesome," Lisa said. "I drink this stuff like every night!"

"Is that safe?" Sarah asked.

"Who cares?" Lisa said. "It gets me sleepy, that's all that matters!"

Sarah thought a moment. "Can I...um...have some more?"


For the next week, Sarah slept better than she had in days. No more sleepless nights spent tossing and turning in bed! She woke up in the morning well rested, with shiny hair and clear skin. This valerian root stuff was great!

Eventually, however, Sarah noticed something. The valerian tea wasn't working as well as it had in the beginning. Even drinking more and more tea didn't seem to help. Her body had developed a tolerance for valerian root.

"I need something stronger," Sarah said to Lisa at school. "Valerian just isn't doing it for me anymore."

"Okay," Lisa said, "meet me afterschool, and I'll hook you up with this guy I know. He's got stuff that'll put you out like a light!"

That afternoon, Lisa and Sarah left school and took the crosstown bus to the South Side. Sarah was nervous, because this wasn't such a nice part of town, but Lisa told her to stop being such a worrywart.

They got off the bus and Lisa led Sarah to a nearby street corner. "This guy is great!" Lisa said. "I get all my valerian from him."

As they approached the alleyway, a tall lanky man of indeterminate ethnic extraction emerged and grinned at the two girls. "Whatchoo fine ass bitches be wantin' today, yo?" the man, whose name was Mistr Funktastic, drawled. "You be needin' mo' valerian root, baby?"

"Not today," Lisa said. "I need something stronger for my friend here."

"I gots sumthin' right here," Mistr Funktastic said, and pulled out a brownish vial filled with white tablets. "Zolpidem Tartrate!"

"What?" Lisa asked.

"Ambien, bitch!" Mistr Funktastic snapped.

Lisa shook her head. "Ambien? What's that?"

Mistr Funktastic looked up and down both sides of the street. "You two ho's ain't wit da Center of Pharmaceutical Administration, are you? Don' lie to ol' Mistr Funktastic now."

"No way," Sarah said. "We just can't get to sleep!"

"Aiiight," Mistr Funktastic said, and held the vial up before the fascinated girls. "Now lissen up, yo. Since sleep disturbances may be the presenting manifestation of a physical and/or psychiatric disorder, symptomatic treatment of insomnia should be initiated only after a careful evaluation of the patient. The failure of insomnia to remit after 7 to 10 days of treatment may indicate the presence of a primary psychiatric and/or medical illness which should be evaluated. Worsening of insomnia or the emergence of new thinking or behavior abnormalities may be the consequence of an unrecognized psychiatric or physical disorder. Such findings have emerged during the course of treatment with sedative/hypnotic drugs, including Ambien. Because some of the important adverse effects of Ambien appear to be dose related (see Precautions and Dosage and Administration), it is important to use the smallest possible effective dose, especially in the elderly."

"Yeah, we know all that," Lisa said impatiently.

"Shut up, bitch!" Mistr Funktastic snapped. "Cuz a variety of abnormal thinking and behavior changes have been reported to occur in association with the use of sedative/hypnotics. Some of these changes may be characterized by decreased inhibition (eg, aggressiveness and extroversion that seemed out of character), similar to effects produced by alcohol and other CNS depressants. Other reported behavioral changes have included bizarre behavior, agitation, hallucinations, and depersonalization. Amnesia and other neuropsychiatric symptoms may occur unpredictably. In primarily depressed patients, worsening of depression, including suicidal thinking, has been reported in association with the use of sedative/hypnotics. It can rarely be determined with certainty whether a particular instance of the abnormal behaviors listed above is drug induced, spontaneous in origin, or a result of an underlying psychiatric or physical disorder. Nonetheless, the emergence of any new behavioral sign or symptom of concern requires careful and immediate evaluation. Following the rapid dose decrease or abrupt discontinuation of sedative/hypnotics, there have been reports of signs and symptoms similar to those associated with withdrawal from other CNS-depressant drugs (see Drug Abuse and Dependence). Ambien, like other sedative/hypnotic drugs, has CNS-depressant effects. Due to the rapid onset of action, Ambien should only be ingested immediately prior to going to bed. Patients should be cautioned against engaging in hazardous occupations requiring complete mental alertness or motor coordination such as operating machinery or driving a motor vehicle after ingesting the drug, including potential impairment of the performance of such activities that may occur the day following ingestion of Ambien. Ambien showed additive effects when combined with alcohol and should not be taken with alcohol. Patients should also be cautioned about possible combined effects with other CNS-depressant drugs. Dosage adjustments may be necessary when Ambien is administered with such agents because of the potentially additive effects."

"Okay, okay," Sarah said. "We'll take it!"

"That a be fiddy dolla," said Mistr Funktastic, who was not actually African-American despite his dialect, which was a crudely rendered caricature of inner city "hip-hop" subcultural idioms.


That night, Sarah took her first hit of Ambien, 10 mg immediately before bedtime. She slept like a baby. As it turned out, Ambien was a safe, effective sleep aid that was well-tolerated by her system with little incidence of side effects, and gave her a full night's sleep with significantly fewer awakenings compared to patients who took a placebo.

Meanwhile, her friend Lisa declined the Ambien and stuck with useless herbal remedies such as valerian root, eventually moving on to Sominex and, finally, black tar heroin.

Years later, after graduating from Harvard Law School, Sarah visited Lisa's grave. "Oh, Lisa," Sarah said, tears rolling down her cheeks, "If only you had asked your doctor about Ambien™! Then maybe you could have gotten a good night's sleep...instead of an eternal rest!"

THE END

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.190.40.245
URL: http://http;//www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 06/11/2003 09:26:45 AM
Wow, Mistr Funktastic really seems to be up on his drug interactions. I wish my pharmacist was that informative! Your cautionary tale of reckless sleep regulation has touched my heart - I vow that I will always take the proper dosage from now on.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: R
EMAIL: r@kitschycoup.com
IP: 63.240.15.99
URL:
DATE: 06/11/2003 12:38:53 PM
Pink panther, pink panther! Are you Biiiiiiiiilllll?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://www.outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 06/11/2003 01:28:55 PM
You know what's better than *black tar* heroin? *Chip seal* heroin. It's a little rougher, but significantly more economical.

I'm still laughing at you, Evil Genius.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.208.143
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 06/11/2003 03:32:14 PM
Mistr Funktastic! :-D "She wants some of my FUNKTASTIC pills!"

I nearly choked to death on a celery stick when I read the line about black tar heroin. You've got the prescription for funny, B squared!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.25.253.26
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 06/11/2003 11:33:13 PM
Ambien, Xanax....portals to the world of the waking dead.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Miss Elle
EMAIL: misselle@rooba.net
IP: 216.119.17.196
URL:
DATE: 06/12/2003 07:27:45 PM
"Yeah, we know all that," Lisa said impatiently.

"Shut up, bitch!"

Classic.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 06/13/2003 08:52:06 AM
Oh god. Funniest. Thing. Ever.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jen Segrest
EMAIL: jen@pixeldecor.com
IP: 24.209.12.237
URL: http://www.verybigdesign.com
DATE: 06/16/2003 08:58:21 AM
The herbal folks who shun (and in my case push) herbal crap piss me off.

herbal of times counteracts any RX's and in most cases onlyprolongs or increases the sympoms.

If I was on herbal crap for my barret's esophagus i'd be dead, becasue I woudl have killed myself.

better living through chemistry and Nexium.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Brian
EMAIL:
IP: 67.169.166.124
URL:
DATE: 03/27/2004 02:04:55 AM
That was funny. I just took my nightly Ambiem. If you take it and then lie down, you will fall asleep, but if you take it and do stuff like browse the internet looking for ambien storys or watch a movie its quite fun in that sense. Wheeee.....

 

Angling for Google Searches, Part One
06/12/2003 04:49:09 PM

1. Ass Donut
2. Alan Thicke
3. Pokémon Porn
4. Inflatable Family
5. Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots
6. George_W_Bush_Molesting_A_Cantaloupe.mov
7. Disturbing Pets
8. Naked in Wal-Mart
9. Fecal Bacteria
10. Daddy Day Care

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.107.125.29
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 06/12/2003 08:02:37 PM
A site I was affiliated with once got search referrals for "PowerPuff Porn."

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.25.242.240
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 06/12/2003 10:34:23 PM
Don't forget Mesopotamian Hairdo and Mo' Better Stool Sample.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 06/13/2003 08:48:03 AM
Hey, isn't Naked in Wal-Mart the new album by Weezer?

 

Goodbye, Atticus
06/12/2003 05:12:19 PM

Gregory Peck is dead at 87, of natural causes. He was one of the underrated greats of cinema. To me, he was like Cary Grant's more sober and decent older brother -- good-looking in that classic movie star way, but with a core of integrity, even when he was playing villains (which is why I think he made such an interesting bad guy -- he always brought a certain ambiguity to his portrayals of evil).

I'll always associate Peck with two roles that couldn't be further apart, even though they both involved dapper gents in white suits: Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird, and Dr. Josef Mengele in The Boys from Brazil. As Atticus, he was the definitive model of decency and moral courage, and made a huge impression on me when I first saw the movie at 12. I wanted Atticus to be my dad! I figured, if Atticus were my dad, maybe I would have grown up with a strong sense of ethics and kindness, instead of, say, setting fire to my neighbor's mailbox.

Which is why seeing Peck as the Mengele in Boys from Brazil came as such a shock. Atticus Finch, the "White Angel of Death" of Auschwitz? What the hell? I know Peck probably only did it for the quick paycheck, but I have to say that he was brilliant in an otherwise trashy B-movie, bringing a twisted charisma to the role that was unmatched until Anthony Hopkins put on that hockey mask. Peck's natural likeability gave Mengele a complexity that I doubt the filmmakers intended. Who knew that the twisted sadist who tortured uncounted numbers of concentration camp prisoners was such a charming chap?

Something I didn't know about Gregory Peck was that he was a lifelong activist, fighting for civil rights and racial and religious tolerance, and an admirer of Martin Luther King, Jr. He even made it onto Richard Nixon's enemies list, which automatically makes him a national hero.

So long, Mr. Peck. You were and always will be a class act.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.25.254.118
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 06/12/2003 07:54:20 PM
Roman Holiday for me. A real giant.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: chinh
EMAIL: chinh@chinh.org
IP: 69.22.8.149
URL: http://www.chinh.org
DATE: 06/12/2003 09:10:21 PM
I loved him too - awesome actor.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.187.240.90
URL: http://http;//www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 06/13/2003 12:23:25 AM
Gentleman's Agreement made a big impact on me as a pre-teen. I don't doubt that he crusaded for equality all his life. It is always like a punch in the gut when one of the greats goes out. What a life.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rengirl
EMAIL: imac@pixelsensei.com
IP: 12.22.65.5
URL:
DATE: 06/13/2003 09:39:24 AM
Ditto Kevin! I think I will pop in the old Roman Holiday video tonight in his honor.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.191.96.189
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 06/13/2003 02:49:25 PM
Awww. :-( I actually caught some of "To Kill A Mockingbird" last night on PBS, but didn't realize why they were playing it.

He topped the AFI Hero list for that role, which made me smile inside. I loved the book and thought he fit the role perfectly in the film.

Peck was indeed a class act.

 

Creatures of the Night...Shut Up!
06/13/2003 11:30:59 AM

One of my favorite Onion editorials ever was one by a crotchety old man, entitled "These Fucking Robins Are On Thin Ice With Me." That's pretty much my sentiment every morning at around 5 a.m., when the hills outside my window come alive with the sound of the most annoying frickin' animals on God's green Earth.

Don't get me wrong, I love animals. I adore the stinky, vermin-infested critters of nature. I have one sitting in a chair beside me right now, breathing clouds of toxic fumes at me. From both ends, mind you.

I even normally enjoy the sounds of songbirds whooping it up at sunrise, flitting from branch to branch in the early morning light, nibbling the heads off of butterflies. It's great. But.

I don't even know what species of birds these are outside my window, but they're driving me batshit! They all have the same song, which happens to be the first three notes of the chorus of some 70's soft rock song that I can barely remember, but remember enough to know it used to drive me batshit, too. So every morning I've gotta listen to these bastards tooting out their Super Sounds of the Seventies. I've got the frickin' Doobie Brothers camped out in my backyard.

And now there's a new singer in this infernal choir -- some cat that likes to hang out outside my window, meowing. It's not a standard cat meow, either. It's this weird, monotonous "baowwwww...baowwwww." It sounds like a clinically depressed squeeze toy.

What I'm hoping is that the depressed cat will eat the 70's birds, and then the cat will be chased off by a troop of berserker spider monkeys that will promptly self-destruct. As long as I'm fantasizing, they'll also fetch me a grande vanilla latte and a newspaper before they go.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 06/13/2003 01:00:41 PM
Heh. Bird songs "all sound the same!"

I hate hearing birds singing at 6 AM because it's a cruel reminder that I stayed up 'til 6 again. Argh.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.191.96.189
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 06/13/2003 02:51:29 PM
Birds are the worst when you've stayed up too late. It just compounds the fact that you're either missing sleep entirely or are going to sleep your day away.

There's actually a bird called a catbird that makes the sound you're describing.

-----
COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.190.41.34
URL: http://http;//www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 06/13/2003 05:27:31 PM
Yeah, it's weird to be doing something, then you all of a sudden hear birds. I haven't done that much, but everytime I do I think "oops!" and chastise myself for staying up late. Heh heh.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.24.123.79
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 06/15/2003 12:45:39 PM
Mockingbirds are 10 times worse! Those birds have this weird unsettling multi-song chirp wich sounds like nature's version of a four-tone car alarm.

 

At the Far End of the Field
06/14/2003 12:09:21 AM

Sometimes life has all the succulent flavor and aroma of an ancient Brillo pad retrieved from behind the stove. But I'm not bitter. Like the song goes, you've gotta ac-centuate the posi-tive and re-press the fucking nega-tive. Or something like that. You've gotta ask yourself, would Guy de Maupassant spend even five minutes brooding over the things you've got to brood over? And who the hell is Guy de Maupassant anyway?

I'd drown my sorrows in vodka, but that particular avenue of pleasure has been closed off to me. Damnable sobriety. If I could dance like Kevin Bacon I'd cut loose (footloose). I'd blow up the moon and sing karaoke in the meteor shower. I'd cauterize my wounds in the healing fire of truth. No, I don't know what I'm talking about, either. What I really need is some quality sleep.

It's in the wee hours of night that loss and absence are most keenly felt.

It was a pretty night. S and I went out driving for an hour, just to drive. I haven't done that in a while. I didn't have a whole lot to say, but I did get S all fired up about a particular subject, which I'm feel certain we will be researching at the bookstore tomorrow. I like S because she gets fired up about things.

When I was a kid, I used to play hide and seek with some other kids around the neighborhood. I was really good at hide and seek. The trick is that you have to genuinely not want to be found. One time, I hid in some tall grass in a field out back of my house. The kid who was "it" found everyone but me, and then the rest of them went looking for me. I could see them in the distance, looking behind hedges, calling my name.

I stayed put for almost an hour, until the other kids had gotten tired of looking for me and gone home. Then I got up and walked across the field back to my house, alone.

 

Stupid Dogtrix Reloaded
06/14/2003 12:56:53 AM

CLAP CLAP CLAPCLAPCLAP CLAPCLAPCLAPCLAP -- DOGSHOW!*

When I pretend to whack my dog with a t-shirt, she leaps high in the air and executes a cool reverse somersault like in The Matrix, snapping wildly at the shirt. I can't tell if she enjoys this or if this is some subtle form of torture for dogs. I wish I could film her in bullet time.

This poodle is the spazziest dog I have ever owned. My sister says the pooch ate roach powder as a puppy, and that's why she acts like such a psycho. Personally, I don't think it was the roach powder, and if you knew my sister, who was the poodle's original owner before she got passed off to me, you'd agree. There's definitely something to the idea of dogs being a reflection of their masters.

* I'm not the only one who remembers this SNL sketch, right?

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jeff
EMAIL: tambrnman@hotmail.com
IP: 68.67.130.12
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/intersensei
DATE: 06/14/2003 11:27:10 AM
"are you gay? I don't know Mr. Bojangles, maybe I am and maybe I am"

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.191.233.13
URL: http://http;//www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 06/14/2003 12:36:21 PM
I lean toward the theory that the freakiness mirrors the original owner. Note that she has calmed down a lot since being your dog. I think the roach powder is just a clever ruse.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jen Segrest
EMAIL: jen@pixeldecor.com
IP: 24.209.12.237
URL: http://www.verybigdesign.com
DATE: 06/16/2003 08:51:15 AM
I hated that skit, but then I hate anything with molly shannon. i just hate molly shannon, and saeri oteri, and a few others. I pretty much dislike all the SNL women.

 

These Are the People in My Neighborhood
06/14/2003 12:39:15 PM

I was woken up today by a scene of rock 'em, sock 'em action! I heard a voice outside my window -- a guy talking on a cell phone to the apartment complex office. It turned out he was a bounty hunter! He was asking the manager to open up #207, on the other side of my building, because there was a guy in there (let's call him Jerry Lundegaard, for reasons that will become obvious) who'd skipped bail and wasn't answering his door. "If you can't open the door for me, I'll have to break the it down!" said the bounty hunter, who I'll call Boba Fett (natch).

Apparently the manager didn't want to get involved, because the next thing I heard was Boba Fett banging on Jerry Lundegaard's door, shouting "Open up in there, or I'll boot the door open!"

Why, oh why do people who have obviously been fingered still try to hide from the long arm of the law? It's not like Jerry was fooling anybody. What did he think Boba would do, knock politely and then go away saying "Guess he wasn't home!" Sheesh!

At this point I envisioned Jerry Lundegaard trying to crawl out of his window, like William H. Macy in Fargo. Then, Boba must have used the Boot, because there was a long pause, then a gigantic crash, and Boba yelling "GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR RIGHT NOW!!!!" I was in such suspense, I couldn't leave my seat even to go to the bathroom. This was even better than The Italian Job!

There was the brief sound of a scuffle, and then I saw Boba leading Jerry off in handcuffs. I wanted to see if he was anybody I recognized (I was hoping he was this one really annoying dude who's always taking up two parking spaces with his gigantic shitmobile), but it was just some guy with long black hair and a denim jacket.

I have no idea what they wanted this guy for, but the cops were here a couple of months ago looking for someone who lived on that side of the building, so I assume it's the same dude.

I'm also wondering if this is related to this huge domestic squabble that went on over there the other day, and an uncomfortable moment the day before yesterday when I overheard a neighbor lady sitting in her truck yelling about how she still had the handprint on her face of some asshole who had smacked her. Don't you just love apartment complex gossip? It's like a white trash Melrose Place over here!

Our neighborhood Gladys Kravitz, this middle aged stoner dude (or Duder, or El Duderino if you're not into the whole brevity thing) who lives next door, was Johnny on the spot at the scene of the incident, so I'll have to get the full scoop from him later. All in all, I'd give this morning's excitement three and a half stars -- it's the summer's biggest thrill ride...nonstop action! Two thumbs up!

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ed
EMAIL: ed@edrants.com
IP: 66.92.28.63
URL: http://www.edrants.com
DATE: 06/14/2003 03:06:56 PM
Funny how things like that go down. When the line of involvement and unapologetically voyeuristic observation is so thin, you'll often get the grandest entertainments.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.209.199
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 06/14/2003 03:35:39 PM
Wow! That's hilarious...I'll have to remember to rate future apt. encounters like movies in the future.

I've got a ton of these stories...I think I'll go to the forum and post some!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.209.199
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 06/14/2003 04:53:18 PM
I posted a story under "Weirdsmobile" in the forum - check it!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: chinh
EMAIL: chinh@chinh.org
IP: 69.22.8.149
URL: http://www.chinh.org
DATE: 06/15/2003 07:00:32 AM
GOOD LORD!!! Where do you live? Is it safe?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://www.outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 06/15/2003 07:55:10 AM
An old complex of mine boasted a downstairs couple whose weekend entertainment consisted of him chasing her with a bat into the car, then busting the window when she wouldn't unlock the door. Over and over and over. That couple, and door-to-door prostitutes. But bounty hunters? That's awesome.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.187.232.102
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 06/15/2003 12:03:45 PM
Ah, apartment living! I also remember a psycho fighting couple in my friend's apartment building. Their ritual was to scream at each other for half an hour, and then one or the other would storm out while the other followed him/her outside, still screaming. Then there would be broken furniture. The funny thing is, it would always happen on Sundays, so I would come over every week to watch the "Sunday Fight," or ask my friend how last week's Sunday Fight went.

What I want to know is, why is there always just one psycho fighting couple per building? Have you ever noticed it's never two or three couples who have violent fights all the time?

Chinh: My apartment complex is actually pretty tame, at least at the moment. There's a lot of turnover in my building, so it's sort of like a multiplex -- a new show every week.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.130.220.104
URL:
DATE: 06/16/2003 11:32:18 PM
you're right about the one fighting couple per building... and they often rotate their turn out of sync if there's more than one couple.

 

Self-Hating Koreans Unite Disband!
06/16/2003 04:04:52 AM

Last month I was picking up a takeout order from this Korean-owned teriyaki joint, when the guy behind the counter asked me if I was Korean. I groaned inwardly. I had been going to this place for two years without having been asked that question! Now, after all this time, I was about to be outed. So I reluctantly admitted that I was, indeed, Korean. Then, like every other Korean person who has ever asked me that question, the guy said "I thought you were Chinese!"

According to my dad, I'm about one eighth Chinese, but apparently I got all the Chinese genes because everybody thinks I'm Chinese, including Chinese people. My ethnic origin seems to be a fun sport for people; I remember going through customs at the airport in Seoul one time, and there were these two older Korean guys standing off to the side, staring at me as they engaged in a spirited discussion. Then one of them approached me and asked, "Are you Chinese?"

"No," I replied.

"Are you Malaysian?"

"No."

"Vietnamese?"

"No...I'm Korean!"

"Really? I thought you were Chinese!"

"Nope!"

"Why don't you speak Korean?"

That's the second thing I always hear from Koreans. They always want to know why I don't speak Korean. In fact, a few minutes after I talked to the Korean guy in the customs line, the Korean customs agent gave me flak about not speaking Korean! What's with that?

Anyway, the upshot is that I now have to get someone else to go into that teriyaki joint to pick up the food, because I don't want to have to keep talking to that guy. Once they find out you're Korean, suddenly it's like you're a long lost cousin or something. I have intimacy issues, all right? I don't want to be embraced by my countrymen!

This entry was originally going to have a point, but then it became 4 a.m. Say goodnight, Gracie.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Bob the Corgi
EMAIL: bobthecorgi@hotmail.com
IP: 12.175.113.35
URL: http://bobthecorgi.com
DATE: 06/16/2003 06:26:39 AM
I used to watch a great Korean serial drama on the Asian Broadcasting Network called "Tears of the Dragon". It ran for 169 episodes and by the time it was over, I could ask for ink and paper or say "Silence! Lady Min approaches!" in Korean. It got to the point where I was adding "howmida" to the end of my English sentences and driving my husband crazy by saying "yay, chowna" to whatever he said to me. It was a crushing blow to me when I found out that I was trying to speak in the style of 15th century Korean royal court.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.190.40.165
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 06/16/2003 10:52:33 AM
Hilarious! I think my mom used to watch that one, too! Well, if you're ever in Korea, though, I think they'd be mightily impressed by your courtly demeanor. As someone who only learned the "kiddie" version of Korean I can attest that they are not all that thrilled with people who speak in the style of a 4 year old who "wanna go poo poo."

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.107.125.29
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 06/16/2003 12:36:43 PM
Yeah, I hate that "Why don't you speak Korean?" question. My mom used to urge to speak Korean more often in my childhood, but I always said that it wasn't very useful. I guess that wasn't the whole truth - it's useful for avoiding that uncomfortable question.

That getting someone else to go pick up the food is incredibly Seinfeldian.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.104.24
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 06/16/2003 03:33:11 PM
What the hell? I'm a white girl from the midwest, and if I saw you on the street I'd guess that you were Korean. That doesn't seem right.

This reminds me of the time Ben and I took his Siamese cat Simon to this tourist trap. A guy came up to us and asked what kind of cat it was. The conversation went like this:

"What kind of cat is that?" - Moron
"It's a Siamese." - Ben
"Chinese?" - Moron
"No, Siamese." - Ben
"Oh. Is that near China?" - Moron
"There's was an island named Siam. It's called Thailand now..." - Ben
"North of Vietnam?" - Moron
"No...that's China." - Ben
"West of Japan?" - Moron
"No...that's...China." - Ben

And it kept going on like this until we fled.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Lester
EMAIL: lester@yeahtotally.net
IP: 63.207.143.156
URL:
DATE: 06/16/2003 04:56:28 PM
Heh. I too am 1/8 Chinese (or something) and I too get "Dude, I thought you were Chinese." But I am not Korean. The end.

Hiya AB. :)

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 65.176.73.151
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 06/16/2003 08:18:19 PM
What's funny is when you and I would go to the Chinese market and they would try to speak to you. The look on their face when you had to explain you weren't Chinese is worth all the money we spent there over the years!! Haw haw.

Oh, and it's always big fun to take an Amazonian white girl to the Korean market with you, what with the open staring and all.

Only Asians get asked why they don't speak their native tongue. No one ever asks me why I don't speak German - in fact, the reverse is assumed. When I tell people I'm German they ask "do you speak it?"

I think whatever Chinese features you have are accentuated by the evil-universe goatee, and it works for you, so I say go for it!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.27.68.212
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 06/16/2003 09:51:11 PM
I get the "Why don't you speak Persian?" annoying question all the time. If there's any question that reminds me of how out of touch I am with my ethnicity, it's that one! I dunno, I always thought you were Korean too, but I wonder if it's because in high school, I knew you were Korean before we became friends, or it was just something I figured out over time.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.130.220.104
URL:
DATE: 06/16/2003 11:30:05 PM
oddly, I have a knack for learning languages, but those other than of my ethnic origins... so ditto for me on Zoomie's comment - although I understand farsi well, and can curse someone out with gusto if needed (thanks dad), I always feel goofy and self conscious when speaking. the one exception is that I always order persian food in farsi no matter how goofy it feels - it's one of those 'when in rome' things I guess. my polish skills suck and am convinced that I will never know more than the 2 nursery rhymes that I learned as a child. my dillemma now is that I really want my daughter to learn persian and polish (my ethnicities) but am at the mercy of my parents to teach her.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 66.157.232.121
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 06/17/2003 01:40:09 AM
I have that problem all the time. Not the Chinese thing. The problem where if someone in a store or fast food place suddenly becomes too friendly, I can never go back because then I'll have to endure it and fake being friendly in return.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.27.67.139
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 06/17/2003 10:09:41 PM
Xbot, I agree. It's too much work! There was this Persian lady working at a conveniently located restaurant near where I worked. The place was totally convenient for a quick lunchtime bite, but I hated going over there, because she'd keep wanting to speak Persian with me and ask me again and again why I don't speak Persian. Simply not worth it!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.141.192.187
URL:
DATE: 06/18/2003 12:29:15 AM
- "are you enjoying your meal, sir, can I get you anything else?"
- "please don't talk to me, I am just here for the food."


oh come on! how much friendly interaction could you guys be dealing with in the few minutes it takes to pay for & pick up food? and what if you were really craving something from that one restaurant - would you really just never go back? (understandably B2's chosen to go the soup nazi third-party route) I say that either you're not hungry enough or too hungry to be creative - next time just be distracted on your cell phone while picking up the food, it's rude but effective. :-P
xkot - as a fellow virgo I am shocked and appauled that you failed to hone your 'fake friendly' skills!
Kev - think about it...most likely you were a candidate for her daughters or nieces, etc. and she's probably trying to hunt down your parents to arrange khaastegaar - even Summerlin is not too far for her to find them to arrange for such a good catch (mwwaaahhaahhaa).
[perspective check: all of the above was written by a gal who smiles & waves hi to most all the valets in her office building, bids a good day to the security guys as well, and has been known to break the awkward silence in an elevator by making conversation]

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: tanya
EMAIL: tanichka13@hotmail.com
IP: 65.29.12.122
URL: http://www.redsugar.com/muse/
DATE: 06/18/2003 03:40:02 PM
somehow, i feel like less of an ass for assuming you were japanese because of those sushi icons on your old site. but not much less. (i hadn't seen a photo)

in the creole joint up the street in pasadena, they made me talk to the chef every damn time, because he was the only one who could understand what i wanted. does that help at all? no? fuck me?

well, if you ever need an amazonian white girl to take to the market, i'm there for you, sugar. i'm even a freak in the middle east.

(zoom & dvl, i'm freakin' irish, and the places where i go to get those little flower-shaped chickpea cookies, because i'm addicted, they won't stop babbling at me in farsi, either! hello? red hair? hello?)

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Candi
EMAIL: candi@smartass.nu
IP: 24.124.24.157
URL:
DATE: 06/20/2003 07:48:47 PM
See, this kind of thing is exactly why I never ask anyone anything. I'm always super worried about offending them, when I'm really only unnaturally curious about everything.

I haven't known many Koreans as an adult, but my very best friend when I was 5 or 6 was Korean. His name was Jimmy, and he lived three houses down. And his mother was perhaps the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen, and so was her house. She used to quiz me on how to spell words. She wanted to make absolute certain that I knew how to spell Wednesday. Oh, and she always made shish kebabs! I haven't thought about that in years! What a great memory. :-)

 

Can't Blog. Watching Buffy.
06/18/2003 03:37:42 AM

I missed the entire series during its televised run, so I'm coming to the party a little late. The season 4 DVD set came out last week, so that's pretty much all I've been doing since then. I feel like I'm watching one 23-hour movie instead of weekly episodes.

The weird thing about being a DVD-only Buffy fan is that character/story arcs originally spread out over nine months are compressed into a few hours, so characters seem to develop at a faster rate. I was reading an interview with Joss Whedon the other day where he talked about the gradual unveiling of the Willow-Tara relationship, and I'm like "Gradual? It only took like two discs!"

The other weird thing is that you get excited about plot developments that are three years old for everyone else on the planet. "Omigod, Oz is back!" "Spike seems to have an unspoken attraction towards Buffy!" Plus, you can't talk about these things with any other Buffy fans, because not only is everything old news, but you bear the stigma of a Johnny-Come-Lately. Now I regret scoffing at people who got into The Cure post-Disintegration. I wonder if there's a Buffy Latecomers fan club somewhere?

After tonight's Buffython, I'm down to the last three episodes of the fourth season. I'm already jonesing. How did you guys wait from week to week for each new episode?

The thing is, I knew I'd get into this show, which is why I avoided it for so long. I hate getting hooked on incomplete series. I'm all about the instant gratification of starting an already-complete series and consuming it whole in one gigantic, obsessive gulp. Also, waiting for completion gives you a kind of cooling-off period where you can decide if you really want to spend time on this or not. Like with Friends, which I stopped watching shortly after the third season. I figured someday I'd catch the entire thing on DVD. But now that they're putting it out on DVD, I'm thinking it's a funny show and all, but life's too short.

Is that Tara the most adorable gal or what? I also enjoy the ever-inappropriate Anya. I sure hope nothing bad happens to either of them!

- - - Comments - - -

OMMENT:
AUTHOR: B
EMAIL: bs_liang@hotmail.com
IP: 65.148.127.232
URL:
DATE: 06/18/2003 10:50:39 AM
waiting... it was torture.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: tanya
EMAIL: tanichka13@hotmail.com
IP: 65.29.12.122
URL: http://www.redsugar.com/muse/
DATE: 06/18/2003 02:59:48 PM
yeah, i've seen like four episodes of buffy. (my defense, i went to the movie premiere, like a thousand years ago. o, the trauma of a hefty rutger hauer *sob!*) i enjoy the show, i just don't watch television.

i'll try to remember to blog my three-day-weekend of watching all fifty-four seasons. hopefully not starting tomorrow. my decision to do that with sex and the city was, er, painful at best.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: tanya
EMAIL: tanichka13@hotmail.com
IP: 65.29.12.122
URL: http://www.redsugar.com/muse/
DATE: 06/18/2003 03:00:31 PM
er. day after tomorrow.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 68.17.242.54
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 06/18/2003 03:48:01 PM
I watched seasons 1-3 the same way. I'd seen a couple here and there, but it was great being able to sit down and watch three years worth of Buffy for the first time over the course of about two weeks. I can't wait to pick up season 4. I only started watching at the tail end of season 6, so I will go insane until the seasons 5 and 6 dvds come out.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: bunnieskill333@aol.com

IP: 64.252.90.36 URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 06/19/2003 07:51:56 PM
"Is that Tara the most adorable gal or what? I also enjoy the ever-inappropriate Anya. I sure hope nothing bad happens to either of them!"

Are you baiting us?

 

Hey Roninneko!!!! This is for you!!!!!11
06/18/2003 11:16:33 AM

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 68.17.242.54
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 06/18/2003 03:45:30 PM
That rocks.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.72.93
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 06/18/2003 03:57:20 PM
Hey Xkot, what's up with your site? I haven't been able to connect to it for days!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 06/19/2003 12:49:10 PM
All right!!!

 

I Shall Wed the Wife of Bill Gates, Microsoft Chairman
06/18/2003 02:20:22 PM

Am I the only one who's got a gigantic, unironic celebrity crush on Melinda Gates? I think every up-and-coming evil genius should have a Melinda Gates by his side. Without Melinda's warm, humanizing influence and geek-girl cuteness, Bill would be a crusty old Mr. Burns releasing the hounds on unsuspecting Girl Scouts, instead of giving billions of dollars to charity!


¡Que linda Melinda!


Just look at those stems!



It could happen!

Bill's monopoly on this superfine Seattle vixen must be smashed! What does Bill have that I don't have? Answer: a huge ass!


"Duhh, here's me, Bill Gates, showing off my latest piece of crap with my big saggy ass!"

Ah well, a boy can always dream. Someday, Melinda...some day.

If he ever hurts you
True love won't desert you
-- Steve Perry

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.1.249
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 06/18/2003 03:40:02 PM
Hahaha! I had no idea you had such hidden passions.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 06/18/2003 05:53:40 PM
"Stems." Heh.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Estella
EMAIL: www.floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://www/outofcharacter.blogpspot.com
DATE: 06/18/2003 08:31:32 PM
Oh my God. How can someone that rich have a body that bad? You're right; he doesn't deserve her. I could make some calls if you want.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: SJ
EMAIL: fricky@yahoo.com
IP: 128.208.100.68
URL: http://shauny.oorg/iasshole
DATE: 06/19/2003 04:04:50 PM
Oh, man! I saw that superfine fox when I was working at Tower Records downtown years ago. She was pushing a buggy and TOWERING, hee hee, over that man of hers. He doesn't stand a chance.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: bunnieskill333@aol.com
IP: 64.252.90.36
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 06/19/2003 07:49:53 PM
B, I'm not having any more lunchtime Web searches with you. That's it.

 

Juneteenth: The Holiday Without a Hallmark Card
06/19/2003 02:24:50 AM

On New Year's Day of 1863, the Emancipation Proclamation issued by President Abraham Lincoln went into effect.

Not much happened.

Two and a half years later -- two months after the surrender of General Robert E. Lee and the Confederate Army -- Union soldiers under the command of Major General Gordon Granger landed at Galveston, Texas. Granger informed African-American slaves and white Southerners alike of what the rest of the country already knew: slavery was over.

The people of Texas are informed that in accordance with a Proclamation from the Executive of the United States, all slaves are free. This involves an absolute equality of rights and rights of property between former masters and slaves, and the connection heretofore existing between them becomes that between employer and free laborer. -- General Order 3, June 19th, 1865

For the descendants of African slaves and all other Americans who value freedom as the most basic right of humankind, June 19th, or Juneteenth as it has come to be known, commemorates the emancipation of the last enslaved human beings in the United States.

Less warmly remembered is June 20th, when The Man got to work on new and improved ways to oppress their fellow citizens of color.

But for today, let's open up a strawberry soda pop and dig into some BBQ. Let's celebrate freedom and honor the memories of those who, under the lash, did the hard work of actually building America.

 

Why I Shun Humanity #67,923
06/19/2003 02:53:38 AM

Via The Structuralist, this glimpse of the generation that will be running this country for the next fifty years. "Friends" star David Schwimmer addressing students at Northwestern University:

Schwimmer has a serious agenda for this evening. "I thought I'd tell you what kind of a person I was when I was a student here at Northwestern," he says.

His brow furrowing, he starts to talk about the years immediately following his Beverly Hills adolescence as the offspring of highly successful and intensely left-wing Los Angeles lawyers. The couple had sent their well-disciplined son to Hebrew school and Beverly Hills High, and instilled in him a mix of progressive ideas, artistic taste, social responsibility and driving ambition.

"I was a walking contradiction," Schwimmer says of his student years in Evanston, his voice making the briefly falsetto cracking sound familiar to his millions of television fans. "Was I a conquering capitalist or a socialist activist?"

"I still don't know," he says, his voice trailing off.

Schwimmer looks up from the podium at a sea of star-struck young eyes. Consciously or not, he's brought up the central dilemma of his entire young life. Sadly, no one in the room seems to care.

"Did you ever have a crush on Jennifer Aniston?" asks a student.

It just gets worse from there.

Meanwhile in America:

According to the United States Center for Disease Control it is estimated that around one million children under six years of age in the U.S. have levels of lead in their blood high enough to impair normal development. This may mean anything from slightly diminished reading skills to full mental retardation. And, while lead poisoning is not actually killing our children, it has been aptly referred to as a "killer of intelligence."

I'm not saying there's a link between lead poisoning-related mental retardation and the increasingly rampant stupidity in this country. I'm just suggesting it.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jima
EMAIL: jima@legnog.com
IP: 207.7.7.214
URL: http://www.empty-handed.com
DATE: 06/19/2003 07:05:04 AM
You mean me morning lead milkshakes might be bad for me brain? You can take me lead milkshake from me cold, dead hand. (The left one is the one that's cold and dead.)

Seriously, though, we just bought tickets for the play "Race", which is mentioned in the article. We're hoping there won't be too many people in the audience hoping for a glimpse of Lisa Kudrow or Matt LeBlanc.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 06/19/2003 12:47:28 PM
That article on David Schwimmer is incredibly depressing. Why must there be so many total rejects in this world?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 66.137.13.252
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com/weblog
DATE: 06/20/2003 09:31:28 AM
The increase of McDonald's "Super" sizes, the rise of reality TV, the spreading of ClearChannel music, lead-poisoning... I think you're onto something B^2....

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 66.237.70.170
URL:
DATE: 06/20/2003 06:05:31 PM
It seems that Schwimmer's following the same style path that Cusack did in retreating from Hollywood (film & tv) to successfully over time shed their typecast (many bratpackers did this as well, with success).

I went to high school with Schwimmer briefly, and despite my huge crush on him (even before rhinopalsty!) my memory then would express that David was a sappy drama geek; but now I can translate that to mean that he was a dedicated performer, was personable, and a sensitive guy.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sarah
EMAIL: sarahmeyer@earthlink.net
IP: 66.215.117.85
URL: http://stretchyswede.blogspot.com
DATE: 06/21/2003 01:44:44 PM
I don't get it. I read the whole article and it NEVER said whether he had a crush on Jennifer Aniston or not.

 

Hulk SMASH-ing Good Time!
06/20/2003 09:13:19 PM

In order to fully appreciate The Hulk, it helps to keep in mind that 15-foot-tall invulnerable green behemoths do not, in fact, exist in reality. That way, you can enjoy the film as the cinematic fantasy it's meant to be, and not as a nature documentary, as some people seem to think it should be. To those who complain about the "unrealistic" CGI effects: congratulations, Sherlock, you uncovered the big secret: the Hulk isn't "real" at all! Instead of finding an actor the size of a building and painting him green, they used "computer" effects to "simulate" the Unjolly Green Giant! Hence, your eagle eyes correctly deduced that the guy hurling a tank into the side of a mountain wasn't in fact an actual human being, but merely a visual effect. And the filmmakers would have gotten away with it, too, if it hadn't been for you meddling fanboys.

Bitching about CGI is becoming my biggest movie viewer peeve. So, you were okay with Lou Ferrigno in a Witch Hazel wig, but you're not okay with a photorealistic computer generated main character because he "moves kinda jerkily" and doesn't punch helicopters out of the sky the way a real human being would? Jesus, people, get a life! To quote MST3K, "just repeat to yourself 'It's just a show, I should really just relax'"! Grrrr....urge to rail against the stupidity of stupid movie geeks rising....GRRRRRR!!!!!

Nitpicking BAD! Hulk SMASH nitpickers!! David Edelstein of Slate BAD!!! Critics no appreciate action movie with CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT!! Critics have balls to call complex, mature storyline TURGID BORE when always COMPLAIN about MINDLESS ACTION MOVIES!!! ARRRGGGHHH!!!!

Ahem, sorry about that. Anyway, the CGI in The Hulk is nowhere near as bad as some people have claimed. Yes, the Hulk does move in kind of a herky-jerky way, but if you think about it, how would you move if you were suddenly in the body of a giant with superhuman strength, so that the slightest movement of your limbs was now performed with 100 times the power they used to have? Think about how much effort you exert in reaching for a salt shaker in the middle of a dining table. Now imagine that same amount of effort carrying as much force as if you were smashing your fist into that salt shaker. Jerky motion? You bet.

The Hulk, ironically, is probably the most cerebral summer movie of the season -- more so, I think, than Matrix Reloaded, for all of its man-machine philosophizing. Ang Lee has taken a comic book and turned it into a family drama channelled through Mary Shelley's Frankenstein and King Kong. It's certainly more of a monster movie than a superhero movie, and it's far more concerned with the relationships between fathers and sons than with slam-bang action. Anybody who comes from a dysfunctional family will relate all too strongly to the conflict in this film between Bruce Banner and his mad-scientist dad (played by Nick Nolte as the Unabomber).

Weirdly, it's this family dynamic that makes the climactic battle into essentially a metaphor for the ways in which parents can sabotage and oppress their children, and why it's so difficult for people as adults to deal with their parents. At one point in this movie, the father gains certain powers; what happens afterwards makes sense on a subconscious level I can't quite articulate, but as he and Hulk were fighting, I kept thinking, "That's my dad! That's exactly how it feels!" Without (I hope) giving too much away, let me just say that parents have a way of taking anything you throw at them and giving it back to you in ways you can never expect or fully prepare yourself for.

With all this complex psychological drama going on, it's too bad that Lee mucks it all up with a lot of comic book trappings that make no sense in context of the movie he made. Lee makes a critical artistic error in taking this somber family melodrama and shoehorning a bunch of whiz-bang gimmicks into it, like the much-discussed "comic book" style transitions and split-screens. I can see what he was going for here, but it doesn't work. It does give the movie a comic book feel, but it's the wrong comic book.

The Hulk that Ang Lee made is a DC/Vertigo graphic novel. It's Swamp Thing...it's Sandman. It's not a BAMF! comic book with guys in tights flying around shooting rays at each other while compressing five minutes of dialogue into a one-second action via big word balloons. But Lee seems to want it both ways, and in the process betrays a shallow understanding of the comics form. The fancy wipes and screens aren't "pretentious," as some critics have called them, but they're a bad choice. They distract us from the drama and distance us from the characters at those moments when we need to be close to them.

So, ultimately this Hulk is one that I appreciated more than I enjoyed. There's a sense of doom that hangs over the film that would have affected me more profoundly if I weren't constantly being taken out of the narrative. Eric Bana is awesome in the title role. Jennifer Connelly...eh. She emotes well, but plays Betty Ross as too much of a fragile damsel in distress when she really should be going for strong, maternal gentleness. David Banner's motivations, when revealed, aren't convincing because the prologue doesn't lay the groundwork convincingly. The film, especially the final act, reeks of studio interference and massive editing. It moved me along briskly, but didn't quite move me the way it should have.

Sadly, The Hulk doesn't make it to "Fucking A" status, but it's still one hell of a movie. It's just frustrating thinking about how much better it could have been...the opportunity that was lost...this could have been such a kickass flick...God damn it, that makes me...ANGRY!! GRRRRRRR!!!!

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ed
EMAIL: ed@edrants.com
IP: 66.92.28.63
URL: http://www.edrants.com
DATE: 06/20/2003 09:23:19 PM
All I have to say is that Ang Lee is no Peter David.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike
EMAIL: mike@whybark.com
IP: 216.173.212.234
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 06/20/2003 10:00:49 PM
umm... wow? Please don't hurt me?

ha ha, you know, I still have to love a movie that drives critics to use the word "turgid," though.

It's worth noting that the bad bigboy reviews more more less can be summarized as, "the movie isn't spiderman, and therefore it confused me."

So, we'll see.

There's no key party, is there?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 06/20/2003 10:46:07 PM
I heard Lee say that this was an "arthouse film made on a Hollywood budget." He had that firing squad look in his eye when he said it, though.

(I should clarify. I heard him say this on the E channel at three in the afternoon in my pj's. Not one-on-one over lunch at this classic little place I happen to know that has THE BEST swiss chard and basil salad in LA. Just, you know. In case there was any confusion.)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.193.245
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 06/21/2003 01:05:45 AM
Damn, there goes my entree into the Hollywood elite. This Hulk is definitely the artiest flick to come out of the Marvel movie machine to date. For that reason, I fully expect this film to TANK after a strong opening weekend, when all those parents dragging their 3 year olds into this movie find themselves subjected to a searing psychological drama about how parents suck.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sarah
EMAIL: sarahmeyer@earthlink.net
IP: 66.215.117.85
URL: http://stretchyswede.blogspot.com
DATE: 06/21/2003 01:51:28 PM
Okay, okay, so 15-foot-tall behemoths don't exist. But what about the pants? What makes them grow big and none of his other clothing? That's an amazing breakthrough in trouser technology.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.191.200.41
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 06/21/2003 03:51:53 PM
Well, if you will notice, the scene in which he shrinks back to Bana size, the shorts become loose and hang to his knees (although they still mysteriously maintain their elasticity). That's their little "see, we got this thing under control" nod to the whole magical-expando-shrinko-pants issue.

I think Hulk is probably sterile by now as a result of tight pants, though.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.200.41
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 06/21/2003 04:49:44 PM
I was looking at the pants, too, and I'm not totally sure but I think they might have been some kind of stretchy material, kinda like bicycle shorts or something. But I agree, in any case Hulk can forget about having any Hulk babies.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.104.153
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 06/23/2003 07:36:57 PM
The pants are the most amazing special effect in that movie, bar none.

I don't want to bitch about the CGI - but I thought that rabid poodle was a little too silly.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 06/24/2003 12:58:53 PM
What are you talking about? The poodle was awesome!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: MAMIMD
EMAIL: odiferouswank@yahoo.com
IP: 204.107.45.7
URL: http://www.okisthisonenotinuse.blogspot.com
DATE: 06/27/2003 10:46:41 AM
Wow! I know I'm late to this post, but I was gonna talk about the pants. During the Ferrigno days, I saw the question about why the pants still fit on the comic Hulk. The answer was, "They just do."

 

Pre-Op Blues
06/23/2003 03:46:51 AM

I'm taking Sandra to the hospital early this morning (it's not an emergency, don't worry), and I'll probably hang around over there for most of today and tomorrow for moral support. So updates here will be irregular and/or disjointed.

Sandra's too nervous to sleep, so instead of going to bed early and waking up early, we're staying up all night. Naturally, since I'm trying to stay awake, I feel like I just downed an entire bottle of Sominex. Which would be A-OK if I could actually fall asleep, but as soon as my head hits the pillow, I'm wide awake. What I need to do is either convince myself that I'm lying down in order to stay awake, or try to fall asleep standing up.

Chief among Sandra's fears, aside from the whole "something going horribly awry during the operation" thing, is this chilling question, which has never before crossed my mind but which now haunts my waking thoughts: is it possible to, um, have an "accident" while you're under anaesthesia? You know what I mean, right? When you're asleep you're able to hold that stuff, unless you're a BEDWETTER (which reminds me, how come you always hear about kids peeing in bed, but you never hear about kids pooping in bed?) but what about when you're unconscious? You're not really asleep, right? So is it like when you die and your bowels totally relax?

They have you fast (no food or water) before the operation, so you can kinda clear out the ol' system, but still. The couple of times I've been under the knife, I don't remember waking up with any surprises under the gown, but I wonder if it's possible? These are the kinds of important concerns that doctors never address.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: chinh
EMAIL: chinh@chinh.org
IP: 69.22.8.149
URL: http://www.chinh.org
DATE: 06/23/2003 06:42:14 PM
Mmmmm... interesting. It's never happened to me nor have I have heard of such thing. You might want to consult with 20/20 and Dateline and see if they'll do an "investigation" on that subject. ;-)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 06/23/2003 07:27:42 PM
When I had surgery, they injected me with atropine, which dried up my throat and is used to stop mid-operative urinating. So no need for Sandra to worry. Unless they've stopped using that stuff.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.104.153
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 06/23/2003 07:34:04 PM
I thought that when you slept, the part of your brain that tells you not to pee gets switched on. Thus, bedwetting is unusual. So I'm sure she'll be fine.

Good luck, Sandra!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jen
EMAIL: jen@verybigdesign.com
IP: 24.209.12.237
URL: http://www.verybigdesign.com/verybigblog
DATE: 06/23/2003 09:08:03 PM
OK, confession... and I can't belive I'm telling you all this...

I was abotu 14-15, and I was asleep and I guess I had to pee - realllly bad. But didn't wake up to go. Instead, I WAS DREAMING I was in the bathroom I think (I forget now) when I woke up i was practically swimming in pee in my bed. I'm not kidding, I didn't think a bladder held that much.

I had a waterbed even then so it all stayed in the indention my body made. I woke up screaming. It's funny now, but at the time I was mortified. I knew it was becasue I was dreaming it. My mom was great with it, didn't laugh or nothin'. It never happened again - thank god!

I also used to dream I would trun of the lights in my room too, but then would roll over and reliaze I didn't and dream I did all over again, tillI finally got up and did it, so I shouldn't be surprised I dreamt I was peeing in a toilet when I was really peeing the bed.

I currently, when building a site, will dream of building some page I sturggled with that dayI'll rebuild the page,sometimes the same part, over and over and over, it's obnoxious and I know I'm dreaming it but ti won't stop. That I can deal with thought don't really get *any* sleep from tossing and turning as I sleep-battle Dreamweaver.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jen
EMAIL: jen@verybigdesign.com
IP: 24.209.12.237
URL: http://www.verybigdesign.com/verybigblog
DATE: 06/23/2003 09:10:24 PM
never had any problems when I had surgeries or procedures (upper gastic scoping) - but when I came to, still half under drugs I had to pee like a race horse.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.25.242.22
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 06/23/2003 09:28:45 PM
Aren't you hooked up to a catheter (sp?) when you're undergoing surgery? I dunno, though, since I've never even broken an arm (knock wood).

Wish Sandra the speediest of recoveries for me.

K.

 

Post-Op Bliss
06/24/2003 02:31:33 AM

Sandra came out of her surgery just fine. I'll let her give the fun details when she's back home, but for those of you who know her, she's doing great, she's doped up higher than a frickin' kite, and should be out of the hospital today.

Oh, and...no "accidents."

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Candi
EMAIL: candi@smartass.nu
IP: 24.124.24.157
URL:
DATE: 06/24/2003 08:03:26 AM
Whew. What a relief!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 06/24/2003 08:32:13 AM
I'm glad she's okay. After your post yesterday, I found myself really worrying about her, and I have no idea who she is. See? Who says blogging is pointless?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Riss
EMAIL: riss@feelingismutual.com
IP: 199.245.163.131
URL: http://www.feelingismutual.com/blog.php
DATE: 06/24/2003 01:30:17 PM
Not just worried about her, but...other things...as well. Glad to hear that every aspect of her surgery was a success. I too have always been intensly worried about "accidents"...I hear that they're most likely during child birth and for that reason alone I may never have kids.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@homtail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 06/24/2003 01:42:57 PM
A friend of mine actually does cite that as the reason why her son will be an only child.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.24.72.235
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 06/24/2003 09:17:04 PM
Most excellent.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.105.187
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 06/25/2003 02:22:38 PM
Huzzah! (a delayed Huzzah, I forgot to say it earlier, sorry) Glad to hear all is well.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 65.176.81.23
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 06/25/2003 08:28:47 PM
Wow, thanks for the well-wishes, everyone! I'm very touched by your comments. :)

I posted a little recap of my hospital stay if you are interested. It's kind of wordy, but you might find it entertaining.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 65.176.81.23
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 06/25/2003 08:30:12 PM
Oh, and I didn't mention it in my post, but there were definitely no accidents of any kind, I am pleased to report. I guess all that "don't shit or piss in your sleep" functionality is intact even under the anaesthetic.

 

Thots
06/25/2003 03:43:30 AM



Is kitsch still kitsch if you genuinely like the object in question? Or are you just being cheesy? Is it possible to like something ironically and unironically at the same time? My stance on the 70's/80's oeuvre of Diana Ross hinges upon the answer to this question.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sarah
EMAIL: sarahmeyer@earthlink.net
IP: 66.215.117.85
URL: http://stretchyswede.blogspot.com
DATE: 06/25/2003 08:10:55 AM
I understand this question because I like Tom Jones and people always think I'm joking. I play along, but really, I like his music. Does that make me lame?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.81.23
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 06/25/2003 11:40:51 AM
Ahh...Tom Jones rocks! I mean, uh, Tom Jones "rocks"!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.105.187
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 06/25/2003 02:24:38 PM
Agreed on Tom Jones!

I don't know...I'd say cheesy, but once you genuinely like something, it's hard to call it cheese. Tom Jones is borderline...maybe a light cheese, like provalone.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ed
EMAIL: ed@edrants.com
IP: 66.92.28.63
URL: http://www.edrants.com
DATE: 06/26/2003 11:02:48 PM
Sad to say, I must confess that Bread falls into this category too. "Everything I Own" is the fin de siecle of treacly 70s falsetto ballads, yet with the song's capoed arpeggios and unexpected chorus (with the harpsichord lead-in), and the penultimate "taking them all for granted" moment, I can't deny an apprecaition for its melodic structure.

On an unrelated note, I understand that singer-songwriter David Gates has been running a ranch for the past three decades.

Deny the power of Bread all you like. But at least their sensitivity wasn't as obnoxious as James Taylor's or Captain & Tenille's.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.80.245
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 06/27/2003 09:41:04 AM
Jude has a great cover of that Bread song, check it out sometime (or ask me for it and I'll upload it).

 

Virtual B² Entre Los Norteamericanos
06/26/2003 01:34:04 PM

B² was just an average weblogging geek until, in a horrible twist of fate, he ingested a radioactive Funyun and was uploaded to the Internet!!! Now he lives his entire life online, venturing out of his dimly lit lair only for food and DVDs! Join us each week for the amazing adventures of...




I didn't think they'd hire a virtual person, but apparently they've got a stringent diversity policy.


At first, I felt awkward, like I didn't really fit in with "the team." People acted a little strangely around me; I think it was my pixellated complexion. I've always had bad skin tone.


After a while, though, I stopped feeling like such an outsider, and became just one of the guys.


My biggest "win" to date has been my presentation on the link between a pants-free lifestyle and increased worker productivity.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.81.94
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 06/26/2003 04:04:58 PM
Mwaahahaha! :-D

Affirmative action has gone too far! It apparently now extends to the pantsless.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://www.outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 06/26/2003 04:56:27 PM
But what about the topless???

That sounds like reverse discrimination to me.

chuckle.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.27.68.214
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 06/26/2003 09:13:03 PM
Two words: Brooks Brothers.


-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.149.189.190
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 06/26/2003 10:02:09 PM
Oh my God! Hilarious!


Virtual B^2 rocks.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sarah
EMAIL: sarahmeyer@earthlink.net
IP: 66.215.117.158
URL: http://stretchyswede.blogspot.com
DATE: 06/26/2003 11:19:01 PM
Looks like it's cold in that conference room.

 

Public Service Blogging
06/27/2003 11:18:16 AM

i+am +not+unhappy +what+can +i+do

1. Call your mom and ask her what actually happened to your dog that they "gave away to a nice family" when you moved.

2. Read a comic book pricing guide and find out how much those Action Comics you made paper airplanes out of when you were seven would be worth today.

3. Demand that your ex-significant other tell you the real reason (s)he dumped you.

4. Send that short story your best friend said "totally rocked" to the Fiction Bitch.

5. Finally try that "heroin" stuff everyone's so crazy about.

6. Drive to South Central L.A. and explain to the first group of young men you see wearing red bandannas that you are, in fact, "in the hizzouse."

7. The next time your significant other asks you to be "completely honest," be completely honest.

8. Explore the reason why you shudder involuntarily whenever you hear the phrase "penchant for buggery" in Austin Powers.

9. If rash persists, do not discontinue use.

10. Tell your waiter to get off his lazy minimum wage ass and hurry the fuck up with your cream of mushroom soup.

11. Treat each day as if it were your last, and spend it curled up in a fetal position in your bathtub, crying.

12. Just be yourself.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 06/27/2003 05:20:35 PM
13) Get a hold of Heidi Klum, Nicole Kidman and Halle Berry and ask them if there's a chance.

(Tom Cruise, Mel Gibson and Brad Pitt if you're female.)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.107.125.29
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 06/27/2003 05:45:01 PM
14. Spend some time trying to "figure out" what you could have said to that hot girl (or guy) to retain her (or his) interest during your most recent conversation. Feel free to slouch in your chair and listlessly click on links on your computer while doing so.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.137.224.38
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 06/27/2003 07:06:47 PM
Also, you might try asking your mother to set you up on a blind date. That usually works for me.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 06/27/2003 07:29:10 PM
15. Realize that there are millions of starving children in Africa, the hole in the ozone layer is steadily growing, the leader of the free world is a total dumbass, and instead of doing anything about it you're sitting on your fat ass reading the comments on a weblog.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 06/27/2003 07:52:02 PM
That last one made me sort of happy.

That can't be good.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 68.17.227.206
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 06/27/2003 09:19:15 PM
#9. I love #9.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Johnny
EMAIL: jroman@drizzle.com
IP: 12.229.90.73
URL: http://flipdingo.com
DATE: 06/28/2003 03:39:59 PM
I've tried #3 and #7 before. If's unhappy you want, unhappy's you get.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BeerMary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://www.rantorama.com/weblog.php
DATE: 07/01/2003 08:33:14 AM
I found your blog through the Blogathon website, and I'm sure glad! You're blogrolled!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.241.180
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 07/01/2003 10:03:00 AM
Hurrah! So already the Blogathon has helped further the cause of world peace!

 

Everything I Need to Know I Learned from Star Trek
06/28/2003 04:19:51 AM

I've been having this strange problem with my monitor, where every time I change any of the display settings, the screen goes blank, which means I can't change it back, and all I can do is unplug the monitor and plug it back in.

Finally I asked myself, "What would Deep Space Nine Chief of Operations Miles O'Brien do in a situation like this?" Instantly the solution presented itself! All I needed to do was reroute the neutrino flow through the secondary EPS conduits and reverse the polarity of the graviton emitters. I don't know why I didn't try that first. Sheesh.

Now I can relax and go back to watching 12 straight hours of the DS9 Season Two DVD set.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 06/28/2003 10:32:35 AM
That's so funny because that SAME thing happened to me... and I said to myself, "What would Carrie Bradshaw do?"

So I beat the monitor senseless against the wall while sobbing hysterically, then ground my high-heel into the residual mess while smoking a Marlboro and drinking a Cosmopolitan.

But the Sex and the City fourth season DVD is only 7 hours.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.190.40.167
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 06/28/2003 11:46:22 AM
Wow! I wish I watched cooler shows.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.190.40.167
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 06/28/2003 01:55:23 PM
Woo! DS9 marathon! I admit I have a soft spot for the Cardassians. Aside from Chief O'Brien himself (very grr, baby), the Cardassian men are very appealing, if evil. But then there is Sisko, who is also quite yummy, especially later on when he gives in and goes back to the bald head and goatee. I can so do without the doctor, but otherwise watching the show is quite the treat, hunk-wise.

I think DS9 is my favorite Trek series, too (out of the new crop). I didn't like TNG much and I liked Voyager, but liked DS9 better. I thought the space station setting would "limit" things, but the plots are actually quite varied and interesting. There is some strong characterization and acting on the show that really bring it to life, too.

 

Great Moments in Dicking Around Online in Lieu of Productive Activity
06/28/2003 12:09:16 PM

One of my favorite activities is chatting with people on AIM while they're "Away" and I'm "Intoxicated." Unlike some people, though, I don't save these one-sided conversations in order to embarrass myself months later.

AB: Paris, 1948. I was enjoying an espresso at the Cafe du Chats Malades when I was approached by a strange man wearing a fedora.

Auto response from Intersensei: Hey now (hey now)
Hey now (hey now)
Iko iko un day
Jockomo feeno ah na nay
Jockomo feena nay


AB: Upon further examination, I realized that the stranger was none other than Ernest Hemingway!

AB: "Ernest!" I cried out in surprise. "What are you doing here! I thought you were still in Madrid!"

AB: "We're all in Madrid," Hemingway replied cryptically, and stared at my demitasse, frowning. "What's that?" he asked.

AB: "Espresso," I said, perplexed.

AB: By way of reply, Hemingway reached a meaty hand out and stuck his finger into the inky liquid of my coffee! Then he swirled it around and around, grinning all the while.

Auto response from Intersensei: Hey now (hey now)
Hey now (hey now)
Iko iko un day
Jockomo feeno ah na nay
Jockomo feena nay

AB: "Ahh," Hemingway murmured, "The sins of the fathers are washed clean by the obsidian tears that flow from the pearls of Niobe."

AB: "These are Colombian beans," I replied helpfully.

AB: Hemingway's face darkened, and he turned and walked stiffly away, muttering under his breath.

AB: I looked down at the demitasse before me, the espresso still swirling where the great author's finger had set it in motion. Suddenly I felt a great lassitude sweep over me, a feeling of ennui so profound that it was all I could do to keep from burying my face in my hands and weeping uncontrollably.

AB: Then I farted.

AB: the end

AB signed off at 4:49:15 PM.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.24.75.67
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 06/28/2003 01:32:23 PM
You should submit to the Fiction Bitch.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.191.112.66
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 06/28/2003 01:41:46 PM
This could be the start of a new genre...AIM Away message short stories!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 06/28/2003 02:21:43 PM
Oh god, that was great.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jeff
EMAIL: tambrnman@hotmail.com
IP: 68.67.130.12
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/intersensei
DATE: 06/28/2003 03:12:03 PM
Imagine my surprise when I came home to that! Why don't you post the other lovely ones? hehehe

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.190.40.167
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 06/28/2003 04:06:23 PM
This is "great" moments, Jeff, not "sloppy drunk" moments.

 

Thots
06/29/2003 05:13:49 AM



I searched for the better part of an hour, but I could not find a single type of food that someone has not made a pie out of. Watermelon pie? Grape pie? Bacon pie? What is the deal? Is there any food that doesn't have a pie?

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: bunnieskill333@aol.com
IP: 64.252.88.165
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 06/29/2003 05:56:56 AM
How the hell do you make watermelon pie? Unless it's, like, a frozen, non-baked pie.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jima
EMAIL: jima@legnog.com
IP: 68.22.202.115
URL: http://www.empty-handed.com
DATE: 06/29/2003 06:23:34 AM
Has anyone ever baked a pie pie? Or would the recursive nature of a pie of pies instantaneously transport you to that restaurant in Being John Malkovich? But instead of everyone saying "Malkovich," everyone would be saying "pie."

Too hideous to contemplate!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.193.168
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 06/29/2003 09:38:41 AM
Now that's just perverse.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: bunnieskill333@aol.com
IP: 64.252.88.165
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 06/29/2003 01:44:17 PM
I don't think you /could/ because a pie, almost by definition, disturbs the integrity of its contents. They have to be mashed, sugared, etc. So a pie pie would contain broken up chunks of pie, which...sounds yummy actually. I have a carb problem.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.24.124.167
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 06/29/2003 05:15:51 PM
Mooseturd pie?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 06/29/2003 05:17:07 PM
You know what's awesome? Captain Morgan pie.

No.
Seriously.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.193.168
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 06/29/2003 06:57:27 PM
Zoom: I prefer my mooseturds raw, tossed with baby spinach and a little arugula.

E: Is that sort of like a liquid lunch, only for dessert?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 199.74.72.58
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 06/29/2003 08:17:14 PM
Uhhhh...sushi pie, maybe? Except that "Sushi Pie" sounds like the name of a Japanese rock band.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jeff
EMAIL: tambrnman@hotmail.com
IP: 68.67.130.12
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/intersensei
DATE: 06/29/2003 10:11:03 PM
Sheeeeeeee's my sushi pie!
But seriously, capt. morgan pie sounds good....got a recipe?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.193.168
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 06/29/2003 10:19:21 PM
But...if you baked a sushi pie, it'd just end up as a fish pie!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdorwnswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 06/29/2003 10:55:19 PM
I usually just curl up on the couch with a Keebler ready-made pie crust and a bottle of the Captain. And I break off pieces of said pie crust in between swigs of said Cap-ee-tain. It's a multi-functional pie because when you drink the Captain dry, you can use the leftover crust as a wee crumbly pillow.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Riss
EMAIL: riss@feelingismutual.com
IP: 199.245.163.131
URL: http://www.feelingismutual.com/blog.php
DATE: 07/01/2003 01:49:51 PM
When I was a kid I would tell people that my favorite food was Grasshopper Pie just to see the weird looks on their faces...but also because Grasshopper Pie rocks my face with it's chocolaty mint goodness.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: carol
EMAIL: carol@puresugar.net
IP: 67.100.70.16
URL: http://puresugar.net
DATE: 07/03/2003 11:52:27 AM
I was going to say porcupine pie, but then I remember that Neil Diamond wrote a song about it... So I guess it exists.

 

Public Service Blogging
06/30/2003 03:15:11 AM

peeing + movie

I don't think this entry will actually be of much service to the fellow who came here seeking cinematic micturation. But it does mention urine and movies, and has the added benefit of being one of the most embarrassing moments of my life, so perhaps the voyeuristic frisson of Schadenfreude to be gained from reading this will make up in some small way for the disappointment of a golden shower-free search result.

As with most of my tales of humiliation and social ineptitude, this story involves a girl. I'll call her Colleen. This happened back in my senior year of high school. I had a mad crazy crush on Colleen, which of course, according to the First Law of Geek Love (your attraction to a person is inversely proportional to that person's attraction to you), meant that she saw me strictly as a friend. Still, as we were both highly emotionally damaged people with no sense of boundaries, I figured I had a shot.*

So, one Friday night Colleen and I went to the movies. I forget, for reasons that will soon become clear, what the movie was. It might have been Weird Science or something along those lines. Anyway, not five minutes after we sat down, I heard the call of nature. To be specific, I had to take a massive whiz.

I excused myself and went to the men's room. I stood at the urinal and prepared to unzip my fly. That's when I started to think. (This was my critical mistake. Never think. Don't do it. It always leads to trouble.) I thought, what if I pee and it goes awry and gets all over the front of my pants? This actually wasn't such a crazy notion, because for the past week I'd been having the ol' "random stream" problem that happens to guys once in a while. (Dudes, you know what I'm talking about, right? I know I'm not the only one here.)

So, my mind reeling with images of Colleen glancing at the front of my pants and seeing the telltale dark spots at my crotchal area as her upper lip curled in a slight moue of revulsion, I turned from the urinal and headed to the stalls. I'd circumvent the whole "random stream" issue by peeing sitting down. I sat on the nearest vacant, relatively unsullied toilet and commenced emptying my bladder, congratulating myself on my foresight.

That's when it happened.

There's a passage in the Joseph Conrad short story "Youth" in which the boat the narrator is travelling on explodes, sending the young man flying through the air, his body "describing a short parabola."

I can't think of a better phrase to illustrate the motion of the stream of urine that leaped out of my urethra, over the lip of the toilet seat, and directly onto my pants gathered around my ankles below.

My hand flew to my lap at once to correct the trajectory of the wayward stream, but the damage was done. This was no grimace-inducing sprinkling of dots. For a half second, the crotch of my pants had received the full brunt of my urinary evacuation.

Groaning in dismay, I cleaned my pants off as best I could with the toilet paper in the stall, but no amount of TP was going to remedy the huge dark stain on my pants, or the telltale ammonia-like odor of liquid waste. I would have to remove my pants entirely and go to work on them in the sink.

As luck would have it, at the moment I began to exit the stall a stream of men (so to speak) poured into the men's room. There was no way I was going to march out of that stall with my pants in my hand, so I had to sit still and wait for everyone to leave. Finally, when the room was empty, I crept out and brought my pants to the sink. I rinsed out the stain and went back over it with liquid soap.

This resolved the urine problem, but it severely exacerbated the big wet stain problem. How could I go back to my seat -- and Colleen -- like this? So I blotted up the water as best I could with paper towels, and held the pants under the hot air blower for what seemed like hours. My one mercy in all of this is that nobody walked in on me while I was doing this.

Eventually the stain reduced to a dull splotch, but it still smelled strongly of liquid soap. It would have to do. I looked at my watch and realized that I'd been at this for well over half an hour. Slipping my pants back on, I stumbled (a trifle bow-legged) back to the theater. Colleen looked at me with a worried expression as I sat down, and whispered, "Are you okay?"

"Don't ask," I replied. "Really...don't ask."

The wet stain would be mostly dry by the end of the movie, but the liquid soap smell was all too noticeable. I have no doubt that she could smell it, and was wondering what the hell I'd done in the restroom -- taken a sponge bath, maybe? Needless to say, the rest of the film was a blur, since I was preoccupied with praying to every god in the cosmos to lift this stain from my pants before the end credits.

And that's my movie peeing story. Not all that graphic, but extremely mortifying, don't you think?


*In my defense, I wasn't a complete idiot for thinking this, because she and I had this weird obsessive relationship that wasn't quite like a conventional friendship, and also because of a strange incident a couple of months earlier that I'll save for another day since it involves such spicy kinks as S&M and teen lust.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 68.166.17.199
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 06/30/2003 05:26:01 AM
When will I learn not to read your blog while I'm eating or drinking? I need to get a splash guard for my monitor, I think. Very funny story.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.190.33.242
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 06/30/2003 02:06:49 PM
One can only hope they were looking for examples of urination in movies so they could write a scalding rant about how very, very stupid this plot device is.

How about "Almost Famous", where we find out that her willingness to pee in front of the main character signifies his "in" status (could they not have thought of something else?). It's so absurd, because she sits on the toilet in a way no woman would sit if she really wanted to pee, or at least if she wanted to avoid getting it all over herself.

If eliminatory closeness is preferred on the small screen, consider "Veronica's Closet" - we find out from one of the characters that he thinks any new girlfriend has to pee in front of him before she fully demonstrates her trust in him. OK, Freak.

In all fairness, there are times when movie peeing has its place: in "The Big Lebowski", a thug pees on the carpet of our main character as an act of intimidation. This event becomes a crucial plot engine for the rest of the film.

Then, of course, there's the standard cliche of men peeing together and revealing deep secrets or passing corporate information.

But, more often it's a useless scene like the one in "Panic Room" where Jodi Foster is peeing to pass the time. And look vulnerable, I guess.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.208.131
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 06/30/2003 06:12:13 PM
Peeing in movies is usually just completely unnecessary. Although, at least it does acknowledge that non-stop action cannot exist for hours and hours or days without a potty break.

That story was mortifying, but funny. Funny because it's long past and, well...I'm glad it wasn't me.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: SJ
EMAIL: fricky2@yahoo.com
IP: 140.142.175.58
URL: http://shauny.org/iasshole
DATE: 06/30/2003 11:01:38 PM
Um, okay, SpiceWorld.

Large amounts of rum.

Peeing in the theater. Okay, done.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.27.68.42
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 07/01/2003 12:07:36 AM
Moral of the story: don't drink liquids, especially ice tea or Coke, at least two hours before seeing a movie.

 

Blogathon!
06/30/2003 04:12:24 AM

I'm thinking about doing the Blogathon this year. I figure, if I'm gonna stay up all night blogging anyway, why not do it for a good cause?

However, to make sure that it is for a good cause and not just for the sheer joy of compulsive nonstop blogging, I'm only gonna do it if I can raise at least $100 for my selected charity, Doctors Without Borders, a group that's getting way too much business nowadays, unfortunately.

So, if you want to help out a worthy organization and watch my mind fragment and disintegrate into horror and madness over a 24 hour period, go here and sponsor my ass! The event kicks off on Saturday, July 26th.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.208.131
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 06/30/2003 06:07:25 PM
I'll sponser you, but it says your charity is the Scleroderma Foundation. You may want to fix that (or did you change your mind)?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.190.33.242
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 06/30/2003 08:30:33 PM
Weird! I don't know what the deal was with that, but it seems to be correct now.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.190.33.242
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 06/30/2003 08:30:50 PM
Oh, and thanks for sponsoring! You rock!!!

 

Doctors Without Borders
07/02/2003 01:09:42 PM

For those who haven't heard of this group, Doctors Without Borders is a private, non-profit organization that provides emergency medical care to victims of armed conflict, natural disasters, and epidemics, in countries where people lack adequate health care due to poverty, upheaval, or political isolation. DWB has helped countless people in places like Rwanda, Bosnia, Nigeria, and of course Iraq. DWB also won the 1999 Nobel Peace Prize for its pioneering humanitarian work.

DWB is medicine at its purest, its mission to heal the sick and injured without regard to nationality or religion or politics. The physicians and staff who operate DWB are true heroes, volunteering their services, working on shoestring budgets, and often putting their own lives at risk in order to relieve the suffering of people who have no other place to turn.

If you have the National Geographic Channel, there's a weekly series on DWB starting tonight at 9pm that will spotlight the work this amazing organization does around the world.

 

Letting the Days Go By (Water Flowing Underground)
07/03/2003 05:35:38 AM

This may be my last weblog entry for a while. I just received this e-mail from "LuckyDeals@g.ew01.com" informing me that my name "Came Up a Winner," so once I redeem my prize I will most likely be spending the next few months in Switzerland, setting up my numbered account and planning my long term investment strategy.

I suppose they'll want to cut me a cashier's check for the prize amount, but would bearer bonds be more negotiable for the purposes of international currency exchange? I'll have to contact a financial advisor after I click the link in this e-mail to accept my prize.

In other news, I just got back from the supermarket. Thank God for 24-hour markets. There's something kind of illicit and sneaky about going to a supermarket at 3:30 in the morning, like you're going there to make a drug deal instead of picking up some navel oranges.

When I lived in L.A. it was always quite the adventure to go to Ralph's late at night, because there would almost always be some kind of freakshow going on -- drunken yuppies roaming the aisles trying to buy liquor before the 2 a.m. cutoff, or squinty-eyed troglodytes that only seemed to appear in public between the hours of midnight and four a.m.

Here in the placid suburbs of Snohomish County, however, late-night grocery shopping is a much more sedate affair. It's usually just you and a couple of glassy-eyed stockboys, wandering the fluorescent-white aisles like...I want to say like the mall zombies in Dawn of the Dead, but as I recall that zombie mall was pretty well packed. I guess this would be more like the Pre-dawn of the Dead mall, before the elderly zombie power-walkers show up.

I also want to say that going to the market at 3:30 a.m. is great because there are no lines and plenty of parking, but I suspect these trips take longer than ones during business hours. For one thing, when the supermarket is deserted I tend to linger over prospective purchases, taking advantage of the stillness to meditate on each item, weigh its merits, consider the long-term impact of purchasing it. Say, this Rainier cherry has a light brown spot on it! But that's okay -- I'll find a better one. I've got all the time in the world.

Also, the cashiers at a supermarket at 3:30 a.m. (or, well, 4 a.m. by the time I actually make it to the checkout lane) are very much not the same people who man the registers during peak hours. Usually it's a stockboy pulling double duty, a trifle put out at being pulled away from his pallet of Frosted Flakes crates and not especially well versed in the art of grocery scanning. So today, for instance, it took the poor guy about 20 minutes to get through my half-dozen bags of produce.

The great thing is that, usually, both the stockboy and I are totally zonked out of our minds, which makes for some sparkling checkout repartee:

"These are...like, peppers?"

"Uh, yeah...yeah, peppers."

"Are they Jalapeños?"

"Um...I think they're Serranos? I think?"

"Hold on, lemme look up the produce code on these..."

"I think they were, like, $2.29 a pound or something...does that help?"

"Nahh...uhhh..."

"Um..."

And so on.

I guess that's why I enjoy grocery shopping late at night. It's the only time of day when everyone I meet is as out of it as I am. So there's no pressure to be "coherent" or "articulate" or to "wear your t-shirt right side out."

He said, closing his eyes. Presently, he began to snore.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 68.166.17.81
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 07/03/2003 06:08:55 AM
I'm another 3 AM shopper. Yay for squinty-eyed troglodytes.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.189.16.46
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 07/03/2003 06:54:53 AM
I love 3 AM shopping for all the reasons you mention. Although, the frozen/fridge food section is kind of creepy at night. I feel like someone could be behind the milk, watching me.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: spywholovedyou@aol.com
IP: 62.254.128.7
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 07/03/2003 08:02:55 AM
Okay, so this one time I'm at the 24-hour supermarket at 3:30 a.m. on a very non-enviable errand, and these two very gross men are following me around, grinning and leering, because I look pretty hot in exercise shorts and flip-flops. Anyway, I am in no mood for this, but they both follow me into the check-out line. "Hi." "What's your name?" "You don't want to talk to us?"

So then it's my turn, and I plunk my purchase, which I've been hiding in the front pockets of my hoodie, on the belt. It's a home pregnancy test. I smile at them very aggressively and say, "Still interested?"

They stopped trying to talk to me. The test wasn't for me, by the way. It was for a friend.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.190.32.60
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 07/03/2003 04:46:53 PM
Y'know, stories like the above make me wonder why women even leave the house! On behalf of all men, I apologize.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.190.32.60
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 07/03/2003 07:08:23 PM
Heh heh... too bad you didn't try to snag a king-sized tube of "Vag-o-Klenz" - now that would have been funny!

What gets me is, do guys like that hope to get anywhere? Do they, in fact, ever get anywhere? I shudder to think of the woman who would think "yeah, sounds fun" at a proposal like that.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 07/03/2003 07:45:38 PM
I like shopping at 3 AM because it's usually when I have time. Also, I can walk around humming and air guitaring with little hindrance. Jun-jun-jun-da-da-dant!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 199.74.72.58
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/03/2003 08:16:32 PM
For some reason, going grocery shopping at any time of night seems like sacrilidge. Is this just a product of my sheltered upbringing, or am I the only sane one here? Wait, scratch that last bit, cuz we all know it's not true. Must be the upbringing.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B
EMAIL: bs_liang@hotmail.com
IP: 65.153.66.120
URL:
DATE: 07/04/2003 02:00:44 AM
BbbbbbbbbbbbB, I forgot what I was orginally going to say.

 

Public Service Blogging
07/04/2003 03:03:02 AM



B squeda en Google: dear+alive+porno

LA HISTORIA CALIENTE DE MARICELA Y JORGE
Una historia pornographic por B

Maricela bat a Jorge con una cadena caliente de la bicicleta cuando ella consigui un picar en su l tex sujetador. "Coja," ella dijo, y parado el batir de Jorge as que ella podr a pegarse el dedo debajo de su sujetador y rasgu arla pique. Ella realmente dese un pl tano ahora. Quiz un poco de crema de la sopa del br culi tambi n.

Jorge aparec a estar dormido. "¿Querido?" Maricela dijo, sacudari ndolo suavemente. La mordaza de goma de la bola cay de su boca. "Oh mi," Maricela dicho. "¿Jorge, sigue siendo usted vivo?"

Desafortunadamente Jorge era muerto. Su coraz n hab a estallado debido al placer extremo que l hab a recibido de sus sesiones calientes del sexo. "Mierda," dijo Maricela. "¡Es una buena cosa que soy tambi n un necrophiliac!"

FIN

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Allie
EMAIL: allie@analyze-this.us
IP: 148.78.243.26
URL: http://www.analyze-this.us
DATE: 07/05/2003 07:13:20 PM
Uhmm.... is most of that grammatically correct?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.80.170
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 07/06/2003 12:49:33 AM
I got a C in Spanish in high school, if that answers your question!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Allie
EMAIL: allie@analyze-this.us
IP: 148.78.243.25
URL: http://www.analyze-this.us
DATE: 07/06/2003 07:43:05 AM
It's pretty good, you know. And thank you for visiting me. I appreciate your input. Talk to you soon.

Allie

 

Fourth of July Sales!
07/04/2003 04:31:22 AM



Hey kids, Soupy Sales here, wishing you and yours one helluva Fourth. I hope you're all having a blast (so to speak) today, grilling up burgers at some barbecue or maybe just getting soused in front of the idiot box like yours truly over here.

Me, I never had much use for the Fourth of July, not since that time back in '74 when Buddy Hackett got plastered and slipped one of them Chinese firecrackers down the seat of my chinos. Damn near burned my ass clean off. Buddy's gone now, may his miserable fat fucking soul rest in peace, but his memory lives on...in the scar tissue on my goddamn buttocks!

But hey, America, God bless her. Happy Birthday, you big beautiful broad! I tell ya, this is the greatest nation on Earth. Like my Jap gardener was telling me the other day, there's no place like it. And I oughta know -- I've been to a lotta countries in my day, and even though they've all got their charms, there's not one of them I'd choose over the good old U.S. of A. Hell, we got Charo -- who else can say that?

Of course, I didn't always feel that way. Way back in '63 I was headlining at some airy fairy burlesque club in Paris, along with my pals Rich Little and Bob Goulet. Man, those were the days. Free booze, and I'm talking the fancy French stuff, not some screw-top rotgut. And the women! Oh mama, don't even take me there.

So anyway, one night after the show I head back to my dressing room, where I've got this pair of Swedish stewardesses stowed away. I'm jazzed as hell after killing the audience and I'm ready for a nice long layover, if you catch my drift. Well, I open the dressing room door, and who do I see but Steve Lawrence on my couch, making suck-face with one of the stews! "You motherfucker!" I yell, slamming the door shut.

Steve-o jumps up with this priceless expression on his face, I swear to God I woulda fallen down laughing if I hadn't been so damn mad. "Hey, Soup," Steve stammers, tucking his shirt back into his slacks. "I can explain...."

"Man, I know what this is all about," I tell him, gesturing to the broad on the couch. "What I want to know is how you managed to detach Eydie's fist from around your nutsack long enough to come here and schmooze one of my girls!"

Steve gets all red in the face and starts puffing up like he's gonna take a swing at me, which is ridiculous in the first place since Steve is a fucking homunculus. Meanwhile, I'm thinking about tapdancing on this bozo's varnished face. Some numbnuts louses up my evening's entertainment, you better believe he's gonna answer for it. So I'm getting ready to throw this bum a serious goddamn beating when some little French fucker barges in and starts jabbering at me. "Hey, François!" I yell back at him, "I'm an American, get it? So stop that yammering and talk English!"

Long story short, ladies and germs, someone ended up cooling his heels in a Parisian slammer that night. And yes, that someone was Uncle Soupy. Don't that just figure? Miserable shitbricks. I haven't been back to that godforsaken country ever since, and not just because of the terms of the plea bargain I made with the French cops after they found Steve-o and the little jabbering prick tied up in a broom closet, beaten to a pulp and crying for their damn mommas.

I guess what I'm saying is, life in the U.S. of A. ain't all sunshine and roses, but it's sure as hell better than living in some shitbag country where the cheese smells like sweaty gym socks. God bless America, long may she kick the asses of all fucking evil bastards, starting with those goddamn French.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.201.146
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 07/04/2003 04:37:48 PM
That is the funniest thing I've seen in awhile.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Soupy
EMAIL: soupy@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.190.33.119
URL:
DATE: 07/04/2003 06:08:58 PM
Thanks, baby! Say, what time do you get off?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.196.18.127
URL:
DATE: 07/05/2003 09:24:14 AM
B, I love it when you link to your old archives... it sends a flood of memories rushing back -- kind of like hearing a song like "I'll Stop the World and Melt with You", I got the same warm fuzzy feeling when I saw Fisher Price Porn!!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.80.170
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 07/05/2003 12:32:42 PM
You know, just hearing the words "warm fuzzy feeling" and "Fisher Price Porn" in the same sentence makes all those years of hard work worthwhile.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 63.156.180.239
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 07/05/2003 06:11:13 PM
Steve and Edie are two of the most annoying celebrities ever!

 

Bad Erotica #1
07/06/2003 01:18:02 PM

Rod Steele knocked on the door to #302, an average apartment seemingly no different from any of the apartments in this sleepy suburb.

"Come in!" said Vulva Jones, a skimpily dressed young blonde woman with breasts disproportionately large for her slender frame.

Rod fiddled with the knob. "The door seems to be stuck!" he shouted.

"Push harder!" Vulva replied. "I want you in as soon as possible!"

Rod rammed himself against the door, which parted for his muscular frame with ease. With a single hard thrust he entered the room, breathing heavily.

"God, yes!" Vulva moaned, aroused by the sexual connotations of the man "entering" her "apartment."

"You called for a plumber, ma'am?" Rod said, hefting his tool.

"Yes, I seem to be having some problems with my pipes."

"Well," Rod said, "first let's try the plunger. If that doesn't open your pipes up nice and wide, I'll have to use my long snake."

"I'd really like to see your snake," Vulva said in a low, husky voice.

"What?"

"I said I'd like to SEE your SNAKE," Vulva repeated in her normal voice.

"Oh, yeah, right!" Rod said. "But, help me out here, do you mean that literally, or euphemistically?"

"Well, I do have clogged pipes," Vulva replied, "so I would like for you to bring the appropriate tool to remedy that issue, but as I find you sexually attractive and I use promiscuity as a means of gaining male attention to bolster my low self-esteem, I also meant it in a metaphorical way to indicate my interest in a sexual liaison."

"Although I am currently in a monogamous relationship," Rod said, "my own insecurities and need for sexual variety cause me to not only be aroused and tempted by your availability, but may well cloud my better judgment and personal morality."

"Then bring it on, stud!" Vulva cried.

Rod and Vulva proceeded to engage in a brief but frenetic sexual coupling which, though highly erotic, satisfied each partner in ways which reinforced their respective emotional issues, paradoxically worsening instead of mitigating their inability to maintain intimate relationships with the opposite sex.

"Damn, you are one hot slut!" Rod said afterwards, covered with a sheen of perspiration and flushed from his exertions.

"You can clean out my pipes anytime!" Vulva said, her blotchy skin gleaming in the fading afternoon light as she reached for a cigarette.

 

The Nurturing Spider-Man, Part III
07/06/2003 02:23:35 PM

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: j-a
EMAIL: jeonga_kim@yahoo.co.uk
IP: 202.71.195.230
URL: http://www.whatarewedoinghere.blogspot.com
DATE: 04/13/2004 07:00:52 PM
oh god. if anyone told me i had to free my inner goddess...

 

Meta-Chronological Marker One
07/07/2003 12:20:43 AM

This is the funniest frickin' thing I have read in a long, long time: A Blog for Galactus!

(via Very Big Blog)

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.24.74.6
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 07/07/2003 11:28:31 PM
Why didn't I think of that?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.9.146
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 07/08/2003 04:19:35 PM
I didn't click at first because I didn't know who Galactus is...oh mah gawd, that was freakin' hilarious. I had tears.

 

Public Service Blogging
07/07/2003 12:54:35 AM

deboning+trout

Ever since I posted my recipe for B 's Pretty Good Garlic Fried Trout with Lemon-Lime Wine Sauce, the single most often-searched phrase here at Weirdsmobile has been "deboning trout." Everyone wants to know how to debone a trout! So, in the spirit of Public Service Blogging, here's my good pal Boney to show you how it's done!



Hi kids! I'm Boney the Trout, and I'm going to show you how to remove the bones from a fish, so you don't get any sharp surprises as you're enjoying your seafood dinner! Here's what you'll need:

• A sharp filleting knife
• A chef's knife
• A set of needle-nose pliers (or tweezers)
• A pair of kitchen scissors


First, use the kitchen scissors to cut off my fins. Yowtch! Now that's what I call a manicure! Use the chef's knife to cut off my tail (or leave it on for that "gourmet" look) and head, if desired.


Now it's time to fillet me! Use the filleting knife to slice down the length of my body, placing the knife so that one side of the blade rests against my backbone and the other side against my flesh! Then repeat on the other side to remove my spine. Remember to slice in long even strokes. Mmm-mmm! I can taste me already!


Once I'm divided into two fillets, it's time to bring out the needle nose pliers! Remove my rib bones carefully so that you don't remove any of my dee-lishus flesh! Then use your fingers to feel around for the tiny pin bones and remove those with the pliers as well. Hee hee -- that tickles!


That's it! Wasn't that easy? Don't forget to securely wrap up all of my discarded parts so I don't stink up your trash can as I decompose! Boy, I sure look yummy! Dig in, folks! And don't forget, fish contains lots of good Omega-3 fatty acids. I'm heart-healthy!

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 205.184.164.64
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com
DATE: 07/07/2003 07:50:21 AM
Hahaha! awesome... I'm having Simpsons flashbacks to the 1950s Beef Industry slaughterhouse film Bart watched in class.... genius.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.190.40.106
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 07/07/2003 11:14:43 AM
I loved that one. Remember the TV commercial for...was it Ziploc? It featured all this food in a refrigerator that wanted to be eaten. I recall being extremely nauseated by the whimsical perversity of that concept. Also, the SNL ad for the "Cluckin' Chicken" featuring Clucky the disembodied chicken head!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.104.87
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 07/07/2003 04:18:55 PM
Haha - totally "Cluckin' Chicken"! Disturbing, yet hilarious.

Reminds me also of a South Park episode where turkeys on an organic farm were killed "humanely" - they watched a soothing video and then a giant whirring blade of death decapitated them all!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.190.40.106
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 07/07/2003 06:34:58 PM
"OK, kids, Boney is seeing spots before his eyes now, so I'll just say bone appetit! Get it?"

(Although, if the person preparing the dish did the right job, there shouldn't be any bones.)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 199.74.72.58
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/07/2003 06:40:15 PM
Thank the damn lord I'm already allergic to fish or after this I could never eat it again.

Oh my god, they killed Boney! You bastards!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.196.99.35
URL:
DATE: 07/07/2003 08:11:11 PM
aha! Cluckin Chicken is my favorite SNL commercial skit! If only the fish had a song as good as this:

Something's cookin' at the Cluckin' Chicken.
Clucky: That's me!
Hey, Clucky, why's the Cluckin' Chicken so chick-a-licious?
Everybody knows why...it's cause I'm FLAME BROILED! Yowza yow dow! But that's not all...I'm cooked fresh! First, my head's cut off. Head's up!
Then I'm plucked and gutted. My intestines are pulled out. Trust me, you don't want 'em!
Wheee! Look at me! I'm getting quartered and split: breasts, wings, the whole nine yards. Choppity chop!
Then the pieces of me get flame broiled. Hear that sizzle? That's me! Five hundred and fifty degrees. Good thing I'm dead or, Yow wee! Then I'm seasoned just right and ready to go!
Hey, I'm good!
Finally I'm served to you so you can chew me, swallow me, and convert me into waste matter. Ga ga ga going!
Hey, kids, how's the me? (You taste great, Clucky!)
Holy phenoly, the oxygen's leaving my brain! Any last words, Clucky?
You betcha! If you want a place with the greatest chicken, take it from my head, it's easy pickin' cause Something's always cookin' at the Cluckin' Chicken!
Bein' dead never tasted so god-nobbity good!!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.104.87
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 07/07/2003 08:21:04 PM
"Bein' dead never tasted so god-nobbity good!!" This is the last thing I'm going to read before going to bed. Yikes.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.24.74.6
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 07/07/2003 11:27:00 PM
Now I remember why I don't eat a lot of fish...

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BeerMary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://www.rantorama.com/weblog.php
DATE: 07/08/2003 11:04:26 AM
OK, who is going to give me a place to crash when I become homeless and destitute because this post and the comments made me laugh too loudly in my cubicle?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: gene
EMAIL: spinward@hotmail.com
IP: 63.136.96.13
URL: http://www.somethingoutofnothing.net
DATE: 07/08/2003 12:27:43 PM
Okay, that's just wrong. But oh, so right.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.148.208.158
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 07/08/2003 08:26:19 PM
Your public service blogging always cracks me up, but this one is finger-lickin' good!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: bekah
EMAIL:
IP: 66.68.75.56
URL: http://WTH IS A URL??
DATE: 07/25/2004 08:13:20 PM
CHOPY THE TROTHE

 

Maybe you Would Like Me When I'm Angry
07/07/2003 12:25:29 PM

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: monique
EMAIL: coffeenated@yahoo.com
IP: 65.248.203.126
URL: http://monique.ws
DATE: 07/07/2003 12:27:48 PM
Oh wow.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.104.87
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 07/07/2003 04:21:57 PM
I've often wondered what goes on behind those amazing stretch jeans...

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 66.237.70.170
URL:
DATE: 07/07/2003 05:21:17 PM
The Hulk with the Bulk.
This was the perfect pick-me-up for the dull Monday I am having! Thanks.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.24.74.6
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 07/07/2003 11:24:23 PM
Sheesus, is that picture for real?!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: btezra
EMAIL: ceb420@msn.com
IP: 209.166.164.46
URL: http://www.whatthehellhappenedlastnight.com/blog/
DATE: 07/08/2003 11:05:16 AM
I can't remember if I saw this on Fark or somewhere else, but that little girl doe snot look that upset or frightened by that Hulk-like addition to the doll's extremities.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: btezra
EMAIL: ceb420@msn.com
IP: 209.166.164.46
URL: http://www.whatthehellhappenedlastnight.com/blog/
DATE: 07/08/2003 11:06:01 AM
"doe snot" should really be "DOES NOT"

~somehow "doe snot" just does not work

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Doc
EMAIL: doc@seadoc.net
IP: 208.189.142.61
URL: http://www.seadoc.net
DATE: 07/08/2003 12:38:29 PM
I bet Barbie drops Ken like a Brick when she gets a load of old Hulk there!!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.148.208.158
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 07/08/2003 08:20:41 PM
I think I saw that doll in a porno...

 

Tuesday Fun Korner
07/08/2003 04:06:49 AM

Q: Mr. Mummified Remains of Henry David Thoreau, I am an avid reader of your works, and have been fascinated for years by your philosophy of self-reliance, transcendentalism, and civil disobedience. After reading "Walden," I was inspired to leave my dreary nine-to-five job and move out to the country, living off the land and enjoying a simpler existence closer to nature. Do you think the values of transcendentalism are still workable in the 21st century, and how can a modern guy like myself make the transition from a highly structured post-industrial society to a more natural life?

A:

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Stephanie
EMAIL: steppy@petisa.net
IP: 24.242.252.6
URL: http://petisa.net
DATE: 07/08/2003 11:29:02 AM
*waits impatiently for answer*

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.191.241.2
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 07/08/2003 01:34:04 PM
Heh heh - if he could answer, I bet that wanker would say something insincere like "you must leave all your worldly comforts behind" and would leave out the part about how you should build your cabin large enough to host lavish parties, and close enough to your parents so you can take over your laundry and so that you'll have a place to escape to when it gets cold and you don't feel like building a fire.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 66.237.70.170
URL:
DATE: 07/08/2003 03:48:08 PM
grape nuts... learn to love 'em.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: revelouria
EMAIL: clovia57@hotmail.com
IP: 205.188.209.8
URL:
DATE: 07/08/2003 04:27:27 PM
Hakuna Mutata Baby!! I suggest slimy, yet satisfying grubs and day lilies. They really do taste like chinese food. But seriously, I believe that guy was a poser who found it was much harder than he had imagined and quickly gave up. His residence in the forest was pretty damn close to civilization to begin with.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.9.146
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 07/08/2003 04:28:50 PM
"I sucked all the marrow out of life...and I'm going to suck all the marrow out of death, so help me God."

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/13/2003 09:54:18 AM
Oh my fucking god.

Seriously.

Your genius is confirmed.

 

Intolerance Ain't Just a 1916 Movie by D.W. Griffith, Pioneer of the Silent Film Era
07/08/2003 04:13:56 PM

The thing about zealots that really puts the pee-pee in my Coke is that they invariably try to come up with some rational, scientific justification for their wacko views. Whether it's "men who put their wieners in other men's butts are monsters on a par with Adolf Hitler" or "the Earth was created in six days even though it takes 100,000 years just for a small pebble to erode into an incrementally smaller pebble," there is no belief too hateful or illogical that someone somewhere won't try to make an intellectual case for it.

If you're going to be a bigot, why not just be open about it? Why try to impose rationality upon a patently irrational attitude? I mean, who are you trying to convince? Those who already agree with your views don't need scientific backing any more than people who think "Dumb and Dumberer" is the zenith of sophisticated comedy need studies to affirm their belief. And people who don't agree with you aren't going to be all, "I thought that guy was an ignorant homophobe, but the veneer of rational thought he laid over his bigotry makes a compelling argument!"

Let's be honest with ourselves. If you don't like homosexuality, don't try to rationalize it. Just stand up and proudly proclaim, "GAY??? EWWWWW!!! ICKY POO POO!!!"

Believe me, it won't make you sound any dumber than you already do.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.9.146
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 07/08/2003 04:29:55 PM
Well put! :-D

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BeerMary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 67.161.129.252
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 07/08/2003 05:41:35 PM
Exactly!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 205.184.157.75
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com
DATE: 07/08/2003 08:13:21 PM
Well put, B. Real Live Preacher had another great rant about this same topic of morons using the Bible to explain their homophobia and hate.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.196.140.74
URL:
DATE: 07/08/2003 08:21:17 PM
this is good.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.107.125.29
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 07/08/2003 09:31:57 PM
I think this is done for the people who agree with these views, yet are afraid to openly do so. These people aren't smart and/or brave enough to really understand or see through whatever intellectual veneer is presented, but it does make them feel more comfortable to know it's there.

I've read more white supremecist and Christian propaganda than the average bear, and usually I find the desperate pseudoscience pretty hilarious. But it is disturbing when the lie is potentially effective, and you do see something that would fool the average reader:

http://www.natvan.com/national-vanguard/117/aryans.html

There's no grammatic mistakes, the html style is professional, and there's even footnotes, which probably wow people with their presence alone.

The Reich spent a lot of time intellectualizing their ideas, and it did help to smooth their rise to power, and now Christians are spending a lot of money funding "creation science" in their efforts to get creationism presented as an "alternate theory" alongside evolution in public schools.

So I do think that intellectual veneers do help these people.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: margi
EMAIL: margi@margiNOSOUPFORYOUlowry.com
IP: 12.207.244.179
URL: http://www.margilowry.com
DATE: 07/09/2003 12:15:05 AM
The commenter above me wouldn't know humor if it jumped up and liked his hairy ass.

Found your site by blindly clicking at Jane's.

Hilarity ensued.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: margi
EMAIL: margi@margiNOSOUPFORYOUlowry.com
IP: 12.207.244.179
URL: http://www.margilowry.com
DATE: 07/09/2003 12:16:14 AM
Liked? Licked. Shit.

I'll be pounding sand over in the corner.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Allie
EMAIL: allie@analyze-this.us
IP: 148.78.243.26
URL: http://www.analyze-this.us
DATE: 07/09/2003 03:58:39 AM
I happen to *like* gays. The male species in particular are quite fun to be with.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.241.2
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 07/09/2003 04:05:13 AM
Two words: David Sedaris. If he's a genetic aberration, I'll take genetic aberrations over any number of boring "genetically normal" people.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 07/09/2003 04:18:10 AM
My ass is not hairy.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.241.2
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 07/09/2003 04:26:30 AM
I can't attest to the hairyness of Jim's ass, but I can affirm that Jim does in fact know humor, since he is a comrade of me, B², who as we all know is a veritable fountain of yuks. Or at least polite chuckles.

Laugh, damn you...

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Gordon the All Knowing and Self Actualized
EMAIL: packrat1890@yahoo.com
IP: 205.188.209.8
URL:
DATE: 07/09/2003 07:02:06 AM
Well why when someone says "Yuck" on BEERMARY's site she bans and edits you? I'm glad we have people like you that are rationale about debate. Great post.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BeerMary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://www.rantorama.com/weblog.php
DATE: 07/09/2003 02:23:25 PM
Gordon, I banned you. I never once edited a word you said, nor did I delete any of your comments.

You can't even write two sentences without lying.

-----
COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 199.74.72.58
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/10/2003 08:39:48 PM
Sedaris is God. Genetic aberrations are awesome. That is all.

 

Wanted: 48 Blog Entry Ideas
07/09/2003 04:18:53 AM

Now that I've committed to participating in Blogathon 2003, a pertinent question has come up, one that probably should have been at the forefront of my mind before I started down this path.

What the hell am I going to post about twice an hour for 24 straight hours???

Most Blogathoners will have a theme of some kind, so maybe I should have one, too. Like...

• A-Z blogging: 48 entries about subjects according to the letters of the alphabet?

• 48 embarrassing moments?

• 48 of my all-time favorite films?

• 48 women I loved who had no idea I even existed?

• 48 short stories?

• 48 entries inspired by my 48 favorite soft rock hits of the 70's and 80's?

On the other hand, maybe 48 of anything on one topic would bore the crap out of people. So maybe I should chuck the whole "theme" idea and just ramble endlessly. Anyway, I'm open to suggestions -- the more challenging and/or humiliating the better!

In fact, let's make it even more interesting. If I decide to go with your Blogathon theme idea, I will send you something cool. I don't know what it is yet, but it'll be nice. How about that? So give with the suggestions!

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: btezra
EMAIL: ceb420@msn.com
IP: 209.166.164.46
URL: http://www.whatthehellhappenedlastnight.com/blog/
DATE: 07/09/2003 05:54:19 AM
I have 48 pairs of boxer shorts

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 205.184.169.56
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com/weblog
DATE: 07/09/2003 06:00:49 AM
How about your 48 favorite blog topics?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.199.64.46
URL:
DATE: 07/09/2003 06:35:24 AM
(1) you could make it a dee-vee-duh event - every 1/2 hour you will watch only 20-25 minutes of a movie (48 different movies total for the day) and write a movie review based on that experience (and it doesn't have to necessarily be the first 20-30 min).

-or-

(2) chronicle "how you feel" after consuming one jello-shot per 1/2 hour throughtout the day.

(but of course I am secretly wishing that you combine the two above ideas)

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Robin
EMAIL: robin@kitschycoup.com
IP: 63.240.15.99
URL:
DATE: 07/09/2003 06:58:11 AM
1. 48 most influential people living or dead in your life.

2. 48 most hilarious, sad, happy, maddening moments...48 different emotions...

3. 48 mini works of fiction

4. Write a short story serial in 48 paragraphs

5. 48 favorite songs and why. Post MP3s and your personal thoughts.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: RobbyB
EMAIL: rebeuthl@yahoo.com
IP: 198.99.250.242
URL: http://www.robbyb.com
DATE: 07/09/2003 07:31:19 AM
Try http://www.blogfodder.com/ for ideas if you're stuck for ideas. There's a new topic every day.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.120.218.66
URL: http://honestyonly.diaryland.com
DATE: 07/09/2003 08:18:36 AM
Flip through the dictionary and just point to a word with your eyes closed. Then see what it is, and write a post from whatever comes to your mind! God I'm brilliant.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jen
EMAIL: jen@verybigdesign.com
IP: 24.209.12.237
URL: http://www.verybigdesign.com/verybigblog
DATE: 07/09/2003 08:32:03 AM
48 stories of being drunk

48 times you said the exactly wrong thing to a woman at the worst time.

48 lies about 48 contiguous US States

48 bad advertising jingles or ads for imaginary products (give you something to do between posts)

48 fonts you hate ( i know you liked that idea on my blog)

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 66.237.70.170
URL:
DATE: 07/09/2003 11:34:29 AM
"48 times you said the exactly wrong thing to a woman at the worst time"???
*cough* you're not going to take that from Jen, are you B ??


How about we replace that suggestion with a more proper: "the most memorable 48 times Bastardo Suave has, in true Laurence Jamieson fashion, wined, dined, bedded, and abandoned rich, lonely women."

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: bunnieskill333@aol.com
IP: 209.36.27.8
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 07/09/2003 11:35:36 AM
Individual tributes to the 48 continental U.S. states, with montages of their ideal Miss America candidates and their talents!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jima
EMAIL: jima@legnog.com
IP: 207.7.7.214
URL: http://www.empty-handed.com
DATE: 07/09/2003 11:43:32 AM
Step 1: Make a digital movie of yourself doing some phunky phresh breakdancing moves.
Step 2: Cut out 48 still images from the movie.
Step 3: Post an image every half-hour, and invite the readers to print them out and cut them out to make an Asian Bastard flipbook!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: SJ
EMAIL: revsj@ATyahoo.com
IP: 140.142.168.47
URL: http://shauny.org/iasshole
DATE: 07/09/2003 03:12:43 PM
Wow, Jima has a cool idea. But only if it is that creepy faux-model-B.

My vote is for a section on all the times you were a kid and wanted to go on a fieldtrip but barfed or caught a pox instead. Or barfing in school? Zipper down? I like grade-school trauma.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.208.58
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 07/09/2003 03:15:44 PM
48 men and women beaten down by life.

48 song titles (country western, dance, etc.) made up or not.

48 trivia questions.

48 pet peeves.

48 good (or bad) causes to donate money to online.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: gene
EMAIL: spinward@hotmail.com
IP: 24.205.55.26
URL: http://www.somethingoutofnothing.net
DATE: 07/09/2003 09:43:43 PM
Hmm, how about your 48 past lives? Sort of like a guest-blogging thing, but with a Shirley MacLaine twist.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sarah
EMAIL: sarahmeyer@earthlink.net
IP: 66.215.117.214
URL: http://stretchyswede.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/09/2003 11:45:47 PM
48 uses for a corkscrew

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.233.0
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 07/10/2003 01:31:21 AM
These are awesome. Maybe I should just do 48 of these ideas!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Allie
EMAIL: allie@analyze-this.us
IP: 148.78.243.26
URL: http://www.analyze-this.us
DATE: 07/10/2003 04:19:07 AM
I'm fresh out of ideas, but I would like to sponsor you. I'll even volunteer to stay up with you and read every one of your posts!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 199.74.72.58
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/10/2003 08:45:54 PM
48 people who bother you
48 bands you like
48 clever ways to avoid having to post anything of substance (actually, I should probably use that one)

 

I Been Touched by Elvis
07/09/2003 11:40:43 AM

Here at Weirdsmobile, we're scrupulous about reporting positive feedback in its entirety while quietly relegating negative criticism to the dustbin and dispatching reeducation teams to the homes of those critics. It's just part of our rigorous ethical standards.

From today's Zeldman's Daily Report:

Weirdsmobile bills itself as a “legitimate, if ill-advised, attempt at personal expression outside the boundaries of what is ‘hip’ or ‘popular’ on the web, yet hewing to certain conventions of the form in a shameful concession to the sensibilities of the ‘typical’ web reader, who may be alienated by unfamiliar or atonal forms of expression, and thereby lose interest.” In other words, it’s an independent site that isn’t trying to build a brand, deliver a service, or test a business model. Instead, you get comics, quirky little blogs, and other entertainments, delivered with self-effacing humor. It reminds us in some ways of what our own site was like in the mid 1990s, and we mean that in a good way.

See, Keely? And you said seducing the top Web gurus on the planet in exchange for positive press was a lousy idea. Psh.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.120.218.66
URL: http://honestyonly.diaryland.com
DATE: 07/09/2003 02:25:00 PM
"84. No matter how much I hate somebody, if I see them eating I feel immediate sympathy toward them."

What the..? Why?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.208.58
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 07/09/2003 03:08:28 PM
Because it reminds him that we're all human, I would imagine.

Congratulations! That Zeldman blurb belongs in the Weirdsmobile "Sup" section. :-)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: bunnieskill333@aol.com
IP: 209.36.27.8
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 07/09/2003 06:12:43 PM
The best thing about seducing web gurus is that they post helpful comments afterward.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.197.173.26
URL:
DATE: 07/09/2003 08:37:40 PM
what a nice punch in the arm and wink!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sarah
EMAIL: sarahmeyer@earthlink.net
IP: 66.215.117.214
URL: http://stretchyswede.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/09/2003 11:43:02 PM
Hey, superstar, will you remember the little blogs you squashed along the way? Are you going Hollywood now that you are being discovered? Just don't sell out and do Britney Spears interviews. I like you as the Tom Waits of blogging as you are now.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.233.0
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 07/10/2003 01:26:10 AM
Mm hm. I see. And you are....? Are you on the approved commenters list?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Dymphna
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 195.182.168.59
URL: http://katemonkey.livejournal.com/
DATE: 07/10/2003 02:30:21 AM
I knews ya when! Ain't no high and mighty weblogger ta me!

 

#84 Explained, Sort of
07/09/2003 11:02:58 PM

Angela asked in the comments for the previous entry:

"84. No matter how much I hate somebody, if I see them eating I feel immediate sympathy toward them."

What the..? Why?

#84 is, for those of you who for some stupefying reason don't comb obsessively through each and every word written at this site, from my "100 Things" list on my about page.

As long as I can remember, I have not been able to maintain hatred toward someone while they're in the process of eating. No matter how much I may despise them, if I chance to see them in the midst of a meal, I'm suddenly suffused with compassion and sympathy for that person. Before and after the meal I'd cheerfully cut the rope that drops an anvil on their head, but not while they're eating.

I don't know where this came from, but for me, the eating of food has an odd aura of sanctity around it. Many people see it as a communal activity and associate it with family dinners and holiday feasts, but for me it's always been a more intimate ritual. I don't like eating in big groups of people or with strangers. At work, I avoid the lunchroom when I can and eat lunch alone in my car -- not because I want to avoid my co-workers, but because I don't want them to see me eating, or to talk to me while I'm eating. I feel that kind of thing as an invasion of my personal space.

I guess part of it is as Susan pointed out in her reply to Angela, that eating is one of those times when people are at their most human. Food being an even more basic necessity than sex, in some ways it's one of our greatest weaknesses. Take away a man's food, and he will perish. Like going to the potty, it's something we simply have to do, no getting around it. So eating is one of those times when human beings are at their most vulnerable and primal.

To me, sharing a meal with someone is an intensely intimate act. Not that I can't scarf a Big Mac in the presence of my compañeros once in a while, but at times like that I sort of detach from the experience. I'm consuming food, but I'm not really eating. Maybe that's one reason why dating rituals revolve around meals. It's not just the "me big strong hunter bring much meat to prospective significant other" thing, but also that intimacy, the shared vulnerability.

I had a major jolt as a kid when I read a book by Robert Heinlein...I think it was Space Cadet, but I'm not sure. I just remember that they had landed on Venus, and it turned out that the Venusians consider it a horrible breach of etiquette to be seen eating by a stranger. I thought, "Wow! So it's not just me!"

Subsequent expeditions to Venus, however, proved disappointing.

So, when I see some asshat eating, suddenly he's no longer an asshat, but just some poor schlub trying to down a meal in peace. How can I hate that?

That's the story behind #84.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Buzz
EMAIL: dave@buzzstuff.net
IP: 68.81.53.126
URL: http://www.buzzstuff.net
DATE: 07/10/2003 03:50:48 AM
Oddly, that made sense. Oh great, here I was happily hating people 24/7 and now I gotta back off 3 times a day. Crap!

Thanks a lot.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Candi
EMAIL: candi@smartass.nu
IP: 24.124.24.157
URL:
DATE: 07/11/2003 07:12:06 AM
I'm like that when I find someone that has a cute dog. If they have a cute dog, I can't kill them, because what would happen to the dog?!

If there's no dog, all bets are off.

This applies to my neighbors, who always steal my parking space, and I want to beat them both to bloody pulps, but they have the CUTEST little Jack Russell terrier...

 

Virtual B² Only Thinks of You on Two Occasions: Day and Night
07/10/2003 05:54:27 AM

B² was just an average weblogging geek until, in a horrible twist of fate, he ingested a radioactive Funyun and was uploaded to the Internet!!! Now he lives his entire life online, venturing out of his dimly lit lair only for food and DVDs! Join us each week for the amazing adventures of...




"Damn girl, you are looking so fine. I would love to get freaky with you right here in the doorway, but I respect you as a person."


"Do you like your wine? It is the finest, most expensive wine in the house, because a beautiful woman like you deserves only the best. There is bread also."


"Baby, your eyes are like flame reflected in a shimmering pool of Courvoisier. I would love to swim in that pool, buck naked."


"Let me rub your feet by the fire as we listen to Keith Sweat and Jodeci, until you are ready for my sting."


"Who's the Kaiser? Huh? Who's the Kaiser??"


"Girl, when you return from the bathroom I will continue to sex you wild 'til the break of dawn.

Baby? Did you just open the front door? Baby?"

THE END

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Dymphna
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 195.182.168.59
URL: http://katemonkey.livejournal.com/
DATE: 07/10/2003 07:14:59 AM
Dear Virtual B:

Friday night all right for you?

xxxx

-----
COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.195.93.139
URL:
DATE: 07/10/2003 08:22:20 AM
oh that Fez is making me hot!

(I *heart* you, B )

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: monique
EMAIL: coffeenated@yahoo.com
IP: 63.225.142.126
URL: http://monique.ws
DATE: 07/10/2003 11:16:38 AM
Dear Virtual B,

I think you are so hot. Please come to my house and sex me wild until the break of dawn.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.208.53
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 07/10/2003 03:25:44 PM
Virtual B , you look so good right now, I wanna get freaky with you right here on this website. Your lips are like a luscious, red ocean of desire. And my lips will be like a boat upon that ocean.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: SJ
EMAIL: revsj@ATyahoo.com
IP: 140.142.171.68
URL: http://shauny.org/iasshole
DATE: 07/10/2003 04:45:02 PM
PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF ELVIS, DRESS HIM!!!!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Allie
EMAIL: allie@analyze-this.us
IP: 148.78.243.25
URL: http://www.analyze-this.us
DATE: 07/10/2003 04:49:39 PM
ROFL! You know, this site of yours is definitely good medicine. If I had a smiley I would use it at this point. Since I don't, text: two-thumbs up.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.241.22
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 07/10/2003 05:28:02 PM
Virtual Smoove B² is honored that so many of you fine ladies would like to meet the Kaiser.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Tara
EMAIL: tara@switchinglanes.com
IP: 4.40.2.119
URL: http://www.cairine.org
DATE: 07/10/2003 10:14:29 PM
I keep thinking B II.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL:
DATE: 07/11/2003 11:00:46 AM
I think I have a crush of Virtual Smoothe B ( ). If Virtual Smoothe B ( ) would start drinking beer instead of wine, and if Virtual Smoothe B ( ) had TiVo, I would likely fall in love with Virtual Smoothe B ( ), and let him use me for my money and/or my "bedroom skillz".

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.233.119
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 07/11/2003 11:07:23 AM
Aw girl, Virtual Smoove B² is devoted to your pleasure. He would buy you only the finest locally produced microbrews with pretzels imported from Switzerland or possibly a Scandinavian country. Please permit Virtual Smoove B² to freak you at this time, and he will take you to a higher level. He will also hit you doggy style.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.130.65
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 07/12/2003 08:57:36 AM
*thump thud thump thud*

my heart beats passionately.

 

I Keep Nodding Off Even Though It's Only 9:15 P.M., and Other Critical Insights into 21st Century Economic Policies
07/10/2003 09:15:07 PM

1.. My roommate is watching Vertigo in the other room. I walked by just now, and it was the scene where Jimmy Stewart first lays eyes on Kim Novak, with this flickering expression on his face like he's trying to memorize every frame of her movements.

2. I'm currently working my way through five novels at the same time, which sounds ambitious except that I've only made it a few pages into each. Also, the only reason I'm doing this is that I'm not really all that interested in any of the novels, so I just choose the one that's least objectionable at any given time. It's sort of sad, actually.

3. My shirt smells really good. It's the very epitome of "fresh scent." I don't know why, because none of the other clothes I washed with this shirt smell quite this nice. I wonder if fabrics react with detergents in different ways? So I keep having to pause while typing to smell my shirt, although to anyone passing by it probably looks like I'm compulsively sniffing my underarm.

4. I have gone over a week without writing or speaking the word "Schadenfreude." However, I have thought it about 2,400 times. I love that word. There's something about the way the syllables fit together that really gets to me, and I don't think there's a word in English that says the same thing as succinctly.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Dave Ayersman
EMAIL: dave_a2@verifone.com
IP: 207.13.167.2
URL:
DATE: 07/11/2003 03:10:53 PM
Technically "the Cat in the Hat", "Horton Hears a Who" et al. aren't considered to be 'novels'.

Haha - Just found your site a few days ago, and am enjoying it, keep up the good work!!

 

Public Service Blogging
07/11/2003 12:39:47 AM

Today, on a Very Mundane weblog entry....

PUBLIC SERVICE BLOGGING ULTIMATE SMACKDOWN!!!!!!1*

god+damn+white+boys

vs.

damn+koreans

For this Public Service Blog, I thought I'd open it up to audience participation and solicit input from You, My Beloved Readers. (Except for you over there, with the Ukrainian teen bondage site open in another window -- get out of there! Shame on you.)

For this Smackdown, I ask you (no, not the teen bondage guy...you sick bastard...) to vote on the following items. Which of these behaviors/traits/activities is MORE annoying when exhibited by (K)orean or (W)hite boys?

1. Emulating "gangstas"

2. Skateboarding

3. High school garage bands

4. Getting drunk

5. Racing cars

6. Karaoke

7. Making out

8. Fighting

9. Fashion sense

10. Hitting on girls

The replies will be tabulated and the winner will go on to the finals of...2003 MOST ANNOYING ETHNIC GROUP BETWEEN THE AGES OF 13-18!!!

Detailed responses are welcome, cuz I'm fuckin' crazy like dat, aiiight?

(By the way, I'm a Korean born immigrant who spent his childhood in the white trash wilderness of Louisiana, so I grant myself the right to make relentless fun of both parties.)

* Guess which blogger on my Blogroll the extraneous "1" is an homage to, and you win a very special prize: a year's supply of Jack Squat!

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Allie
EMAIL: allie@analyze-this.us
IP: 148.78.243.26
URL: http://www.analyze-this.us
DATE: 07/11/2003 06:18:21 AM
1. White Boys
2. Koreans
3. Koreans
4. Koreans
5. Koreans
6. Koreans
7. Koreans
8. Koreans
9. Koreans
10. White Boys

Hey! This thing was rigged!!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.196.7.115
URL:
DATE: 07/11/2003 07:39:31 AM
oh my! that's offensive... no, actually THAT'S RACIST!!! (if I may purloin the phrase from Angry Asian Man for a moment for extra credit) ;-)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 68.166.21.83
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 07/11/2003 09:49:15 AM
1. Emulating "gangstas" -Koreans. Or maybe it's just more funny when they do it. I'm not sure.

2. Skateboarding - White boys. Just because I've never seen a Korean skateboarding.

3. High school garage bands - White boys. It's the hair.

4. Getting drunk - Koreans, because when they yell drunkenly in a language I don't understand it's automatically more scary than hearing a white boy yell drunkenly.

5. Racing cars - Tie. They both suck.

6. Karaoke - White boys. Korean boys do it with more style.

7. Making out - Um... with each other? I don't know the answer to this one.

8. Fighting - White boys. Usually because they're so bad at it.

9. Fashion sense - Tie.

10. Hitting on girls - This one is tough, but I'm going to have to go with white boys.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL:
DATE: 07/11/2003 10:55:48 AM
I don't find any of them annoying except for the white boys who emulate gangstas.

I think the "1" is a homage to whichever blogger in your blogroll that has to pee the most.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jen Segrest
EMAIL: jen@pixeldecor.com
IP: 24.209.12.237
URL: http://www.verybigdesign.com
DATE: 07/11/2003 01:38:42 PM
1. Emulating "gangstas" (w)
2. Skateboarding(w)
3. High school garage bands (w)
4. Getting drunk(w)
5. Racing cars
6. Karaoke (k)
7. Making out (w)
8. Fighting (w)
9. Fashion sense (w)
10. Hitting on girls (w)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jen Segrest
EMAIL: jen@pixeldecor.com
IP: 24.209.12.237
URL: http://www.verybigdesign.com
DATE: 07/11/2003 01:39:22 PM
5 (w)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: SJ
EMAIL: revsj@ATyahoo.com
IP: 140.142.168.105
URL: http://shauny.org/iasshole
DATE: 07/11/2003 05:42:24 PM
1. Emulating "gangstas": Well, Marshall Mathers has made this such a cliched activity for whitey that the prize must go to Koreans.

2. Skateboarding: Tie!

3. High school garage bands: White boys, because it's so over it's making me throw up. Collect stamps instead, boys! Your government needs you!

4. Getting drunk: Tie!

5. Racing cars: [K]

6. Karaoke: [W]

7. Making out: This is not annoying, as long as it doesn't lead to procreation.

8. Fighting: [W]

9. Fashion sense: [K] Sorry.

10. Hitting on girls: [W]

Done! And the gratuitous "1" is a puzzle. Someone with a lazy shift-finger, I deduce.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 07/11/2003 09:07:34 PM
1. K: Really, it's embarrassment about their gravitation for bad commercial rap that's irritating, but this is the closest thing on the list.
2. I can't think of a "bothered by skaters" incidient.
3. W
4. W
5. K
6. K
7. Haven't seen a whole lot of this out there in general.
8. W
9. K: FUBU and Sean John...spending too much time/thought on fashion overall...argh, stop it!
10. W

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 07/11/2003 09:08:14 PM
That should be "gravitation *toward* bad.."

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 63.191.233.119
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 07/11/2003 10:23:00 PM
1. W, definitely
2. K
3. K
4. K
5. W
6. W
7. W (Koreans have those hot lips - who can complain?)
8. W - no style
9. K - too obsessive
10. W - too haphazard

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.130.65
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 07/12/2003 09:06:09 AM
i'm generally more annoyed with white people unless it deals with car racing. but that's a person matter.

car racing irritates the fuck out of me.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 199.74.72.58
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/13/2003 08:23:45 AM
1) I would say Koreans, but then again the AZN Pride song amuses me to no end.
2) White boys. Are there even any Korean skaters?
3) Def'nitely the whities.
4) Large, shitfaced Asian men frighten me, I know not why, so I'd have to go with Koreans.
5) Both. Ick.
6) White boys.
7) With other people, both. I don't care how much of a pimp you are, no one wants to see that shit. With me, neither, as long as they're cute.
8) White boys, as Koreans are marginally more likely to know a kick-ass martial art.
9) I'll tie this one in with no. 1 and say Koreans, because there are too damn many asian wiggaz.
10) Neither. It's so entertaining!

 

Amazing Thots
07/12/2003 03:46:31 AM



1. Amazing: Fiction Bitch actually updates, wipes blood off hands with a lace hanky, and awaits the next victim.

2. Somewhat Less Amazing: I finally put up my Blogathon page. Dozens cheer as overly large Blogathon graphic no longer clutters up top half of weblog. Crowd then turns ugly as it realizes that the page still takes 20 years to load because of all the images I've been posting lately.

4. Not Very Amazing: Half-asleep as I compose this entry, I forget to type #3 and type #4 instead. Am very slightly amused by this, which at this hour is sufficient grounds to warrant mention.

5. Rather Underwhelming: The really tough thing about the Blogathon won't be staying awake for 24 hours, but waking up at six in the fucking morning to start this thing. Who came up with this kickoff time? Obviously some East Coast motherfucker.

6. Just Short of Contemptible: At the grocery store a couple of days ago, there were actually two overly talkative old fogies standing in two separate checkout lines at the same time. What are the chances of having two old guys hold up two lines for 15 minutes while they finish telling some poor cashier about the winter they spent in a foxhole in the Ardennes forest in 1944...in the same store, at the same time, yet completely unrelated??? (Wow, this is actually some strong stuff. Maybe I should kick this one up a few notches to the #1 position, or the currently vacant #3 position.) Oh, and as I was leaving the market, I nearly bumped into yet a third garrulous old fogie. I think he was about to say something jaunty to me, but I walked away quickly so that all he could manage was a brief "guhh" as he gazed, crestfallen, at the wake of my passage.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/12/2003 01:14:42 PM
I managed a grocery store as an undergrad. Beware of old people. They want to talk about one of three things:

1) the war.
2) the price of coffee.
3) that other war.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: SJ
EMAIL: revsj@ATyahoo.com
IP: 140.142.168.7
URL: http://shauny.org/iasshole
DATE: 07/12/2003 03:25:29 PM
As a former checker, I know they also want to bitch about the price and quality of tropical fruit.

Wordy word from Wordport on the 6am wake up time. ;p

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/12/2003 09:41:38 PM
In ten years of grocery retail I also had four old men ask me if I speak Gaelic.

Unless "speak Gaelic" is Old Man for "parking-lot hand-job", I don't really see the point. Either way the answer is "no".

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.25.255.234
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 07/12/2003 11:42:51 PM
One of my fears about this "Blogathon" thing is that it may burn you out of blogging again. I hope not, though.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.240.195
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 07/13/2003 04:07:41 AM
Estella: I have to ask...WHY ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH would anyone ask you if you spoke Gaelic? I mean, it's just not something that comes up in regular conversation...is it? At least, it's not a question anyone has ever asked me, but I suppose the fact that I'm Asian has something to do with it....

Zoomie: The burnout factor is a very real concern. I probably will ease up on the blogging between now and the 'Thon. Why use up all my material?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 67.161.129.252
URL:
DATE: 07/13/2003 06:36:39 AM
Hey B2, I'm going to be asking for guest posters during the blogathon. The theme now will be pets. Any pet story (with or without pic). If you or anyone who reads you has an adorable pet, or memorable pet story, they can email it to me and I'll post it during the Blogathon (with link back to their pages, if they wish). I will store pics on my server. :-)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 67.161.129.252
URL:
DATE: 07/13/2003 06:37:15 AM
PS -- Any pet stories about exes being dogs will be read and enjoyed by me, but not posted ;-)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/13/2003 09:43:13 AM
Usually the preceeding question was, "Are you Irish?" (I guess I look Irish.) When I said yeah, sort of, they wanted to know if I "spoke the old language." I found out the awkward way that they didn't mean pig latin.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B
EMAIL: bs_liang@hotmail.com
IP: 65.138.119.63
URL:
DATE: 07/14/2003 12:53:25 AM
no 3!?!! back in the days when i did homework, i would often skip questions, and if i was evered asked about this, my excuse would be like.. oh i forgot, but i was never realled asked about why i didn't do some problems on homework. this probably added to my laziness and finally resulted in my not doing homework at all.

i don't know if this makes sense, because.... of some reason.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Dymphna
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 195.182.168.59
URL: http://katemonkey.livejournal.com/
DATE: 07/14/2003 01:26:27 AM
Ha-ha! 'cause I'm in England, I get to start at 2 in the afternoon!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.196.121.69
URL:
DATE: 07/14/2003 06:59:34 AM
Hey B , I just realized that on the day of the Blogathon I will be out of town and lack access.... :-(

I just wanted to make certain that your day-o-fun will be memorialized in your archives for post-thon viewing pleasure. [*cough* sponsor's request *cough*]

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: serenity
EMAIL: serenity@serenitysjournal.com
IP: 66.54.1.38
URL: http://www.serenitysjournal.com
DATE: 07/14/2003 12:38:56 PM
#6 was too damned funny.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: serenity
EMAIL: serenity@serenitysjournal.com
IP: 66.54.1.38
URL: http://www.serenitysjournal.com
DATE: 07/14/2003 04:29:40 PM
Ok, that's it. Your #6 entry in this list has been slaying me all day that I had to add you to my blogroll. Yes, it was funny enough to bring me back here at least 3-4 times to read it again.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.80.248
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b
DATE: 07/14/2003 05:09:26 PM
Now that's what I like to hear! Hehe. Thanks.

 

The B Stands for Bryan
07/13/2003 04:08:49 AM

The "squared" is because my last name also begins with a "B."

Just thought you should know.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@youknowwhere.com
IP: 67.161.129.252
URL:
DATE: 07/13/2003 06:33:28 AM
Nothin' square about you, you saucy thang! ;-)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Allie
EMAIL: allie@analyze-this.us
IP: 148.78.243.25
URL: http://www.analyze-this.us
DATE: 07/13/2003 06:33:44 AM
I knew that.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 205.184.161.162
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com/weblog
DATE: 07/13/2003 07:36:56 AM
What's the B for again? I forgot already.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.198.156.64
URL:
DATE: 07/13/2003 09:08:16 AM
I thought it was because you like it when I call you 'baby'....

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.134.89
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 07/13/2003 09:13:17 AM
i'm too lazy to do the little 2 thingie.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/13/2003 10:45:57 AM
Bryan Boitano?!?!? Is that YOU???

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sarah
EMAIL: sarahmeyer@earthlink.net
IP: 66.215.117.214
URL: http://stretchyswede.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/13/2003 12:03:00 PM
I thought it was to indicate the second rising of the Asian Bastard.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: bunnieskill333@aol.com
IP: 69.0.52.184
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 07/13/2003 12:35:33 PM
That's actually B x 2, you know.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: melly
EMAIL: jezemelly@yahoo.com
IP: 216.166.4.217
URL: http://ordinarymorning.net
DATE: 07/13/2003 10:20:47 PM
Bryan Bryan. I'm drunk. Don't laugh, but I just realized you're AB. See, somehow I love you every time.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.192.95
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 07/14/2003 12:19:31 AM
Melly, it's destiny. It's like in "Dracula" when Dracula finds Mina, who's the reincarnation of his centuries-dead wife. You are of course Dracula in this scenario.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B
EMAIL: bs_liang@hotmail.com
IP: 65.138.119.63
URL:
DATE: 07/14/2003 12:44:48 AM
bbbbbbbb

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Buzz
EMAIL: dave@buzzstuff.net
IP: 63.103.206.10
URL: http://www.buzzstuff.net
DATE: 07/14/2003 09:47:04 AM
Oh, I thought it was some sort of homage to Buzz. Dang!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jen
EMAIL: jen@pixeldecor.com
IP: 24.209.12.237
URL: http://www.verybigdesign.com/verybigblog
DATE: 07/14/2003 10:17:19 AM

So we had "AB" and now we have "BB", in your next blogging incarnation will you be CB?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.80.248
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 07/14/2003 11:27:06 AM
In retrospect, while I like the B² thing and all, it lacks a certain with-it-ness and hipitude. Maybe I should change it to something with more punch, like B!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: SJ
EMAIL: revsj@ATyahoo.com
IP: 140.142.169.27
URL: http://shauny.org/iasshole
DATE: 07/14/2003 11:35:22 AM
B! The Musical!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.80.248
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 07/14/2003 11:43:32 AM
I like the way you think.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Bob the Corgi
EMAIL: bobthecorgi@hotmail.com
IP: 216.44.68.169
URL: http://bobthecorgi.com
DATE: 07/14/2003 07:28:03 PM

B! How is that pronounced - B Bang?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 199.74.72.58
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/14/2003 08:22:36 PM
Hmmm...well, we've already got Tenacious D, so how about Inebriated B? I think it has a nice ring to it.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 165.121.39.34
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 07/14/2003 09:06:57 PM
Inebriated B, sadly, does describe a certain phase of my life to a T.

I thinkB! would just stand alone as a quick, punchy exclamation, preferably in boldface. Kind of like McG, except with a B and not Scottish, so basically completely differently.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that my guapissima Costa Rican Spanish teacher used to call me "Bebe." I think she thought I was cute. If I had only been 10 years older, independently wealthy, and Ricardo Montalban, I might have had a chance!
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 67.161.129.252
URL:
DATE: 07/14/2003 10:11:22 PM
Ricardo Montalban! Hah! At that I scoff! He may have the genuine artificial fine corinthian leather in his Chrysler Cordoba, but you have the STING!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jessica
EMAIL: jessica@peacedividend.com
IP: 66.117.128.123
URL: http://www.peacedividend.com
DATE: 07/15/2003 08:21:39 AM
Next you can be B3: Bryan Blastname, Beeyotch!

 

Public Service Blogging
07/14/2003 12:31:34 PM

korean+poo

FUN FACTS!

• The Korean word for poo, written phonetically, is "ddong," with a long 'o' like in "d'ohh!" and the double 'd' meaning it's pronounced in a clipped way, like..."d'ohh!" In fact, maybe a better way to spell it out is "d'ohhng!" Which seems weirdly appropriate.

• "Where is the bathroom?" is one of the few things I can still say in Korean. My life's mission is to learn that phrase in every language in the world. So far I'm up to Korean and "¿D nde est el cuarto de ba o?"

• My last name is in fact a Korean slang term for poo.

• I was eleven the first time I visited Korea after moving to the States. Korea still wasn't very modernized, so only the newest and hippest households had Western-style toilets. Most places had Japanese "squat toilets" like this:

The first time I saw one of these things, I had no idea what I was supposed to do with it! Was I supposed to take off my pants, or what? Nobody had warned me about these freaky alien toilets! Finally I decided it just wasn't worth it. I don't believe I had a bowel movement the whole time I was in Korea.

• I was 23 the second time I visited Korea. I stayed in a dormitory at Yonsei University, and this time they did have Western-style toilets, thank God. Except I was told that, because of the danger of clogging the plumbing due to the crappy (ha ha) quality of the TP in that country, you couldn't flush toilet paper down the toilet! Instead, you had to throw your used TP into a wastebasket next to the throne! I'll let your imagination supply the necessary sensory implications of this policy. I could never bring myself to do this, thus making me a Korean poo scofflaw.

On a related note, they had a strict "lights out" policy at the dorm, where they'd actually shut off the power to the lights after about 11 p.m. The only places that were lit after that were the bathrooms. Now, as you may know, I'm not exactly an early sleeper. So if I wanted to read a book or write a letter at 2 a.m., I had to do it sitting on the toilet. This always made for some entertaining letters home. "Well, here I am on the potty again...." Plus, because of the aforementioned no-TP-flushing policy, I was usually forced to sit in a big ol' cloud o' fecal fragrance whilst composing my missives. I can still smell it in my nighmares.

Here's a pic. Ahh, the memories!

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.191.96.91
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 07/14/2003 05:49:28 PM
Does Korea not have flashlights or candles by which to write, or would that have waken the others?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.80.248
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 07/14/2003 06:26:19 PM
I did have a roommate, and the dorm rooms were pretty small, so it wasn't really convenient to try to read/write in the room. Plus, they had these hall monitors who would patrol the building and give you crap if you had lights on in your room after hours, but they didn't bother you in the bathrooms!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jimmy Tremble
EMAIL: jimmyt@forceofmouth.com
IP: 65.65.209.7
URL: http://www.forceofmouth.com
DATE: 07/14/2003 06:31:06 PM
How in the hell do you use that floor toilet? Just squat and open the bomb bay doors?

Jeez.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 205.184.160.36
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com/weblog
DATE: 07/14/2003 09:44:17 PM
In German: "Wo sind das Bad?" (pronounced "Voh zint doss bott?") And in Spanish, you can abbreviate it to "Donde esta' el bano?"

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 67.161.129.252
URL:
DATE: 07/14/2003 10:12:24 PM
Writing letters in a feces-permeated bathroom. You must have been in love!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 165.121.39.34
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 07/14/2003 10:49:22 PM
Actually, I was -- and luckily, with someone who found the idea of a guy writing love letters while sitting on the pot romantic!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sarah EMAIL: sarahmeyer@earthlink.net
IP: 66.215.117.226
URL: http://stretchyswede.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/14/2003 11:56:53 PM
Your picture of the ground toilet and the not being able to flush TP is much like my post about the plumbing in Greece. Such advanced cultures, such unadvanced approaches to shit, what have they been doing all this time?

As an amateur scatologist, i really enjoyed this post. Keep up the poop talk!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.192.232.32
URL:
DATE: 07/15/2003 12:30:30 AM
oh the luxury! at least that squat toilet has a splash guard and a bottom (no pun intended). in 1975 (I was 6) and I spent the summer in Iran visiting my dad's family, and in my aunt's home they had squat toilets that were basically a square porcelain platform over a deep hole that went to the septic tank (with some sort of flushing mechanism I think). I had nightmares of falling in the squat toilet throughout the whole trip... California Dreamin took on a whole new meaning for me that summer.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 165.121.39.34
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 07/15/2003 04:50:58 AM
I still don't know how you're supposed to use that squat toilet. Facing the splash guard? Facing away from it? What do you do with your pants?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 67.161.129.252
URL:
DATE: 07/15/2003 05:13:33 AM
Well, it IS romantic. Not the feces odor, but the fact that you'd go through so much "discomfort" to write her.

Awwww...

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Allie
EMAIL: allie@analyze-this.us
IP: 148.78.243.24
URL: http://www.analyze-this.us
DATE: 07/15/2003 11:21:58 AM
I have to say, that if Mr. Crapper were alive today, he would truly keel over and die. I don't think the squatters are made of the stuff he intended us to use.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Dymphna
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 195.182.168.59
URL: http://katemonkey.livejournal.com/
DATE: 07/16/2003 07:45:29 AM
Now you can say it in Japanese!

"Toire-ga doko desu-ka?"

Or, if you want to get technical...

"?????????"

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Dymphna
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 195.182.168.59
URL: http://katemonkey.livejournal.com/
DATE: 07/16/2003 07:45:47 AM
boo. stupid japanese don't show up.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@yahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.92
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 07/17/2003 10:27:10 AM
I spent some time in Japan a few years ago and people had warned me about squat toilets before I got there. So I thought I was mentally prepared, but once I saw one I swore that I would not be using one during my stay. However, upon arriving in my hotel room and hanging clothes up in my closet, my mind was changed. Not volutarily but for the better. Imagine finding a roach thing with horns on it's head, as big as my hand, climbing up the wall in my hotel closet! That thing scared the living poop outta of me. So it ended up squating wasn't such a bad idea compared to messing my undies. ~ta! :)

 

Tuesday Fun Korner
07/15/2003 02:30:07 AM

Q: Mr. Mummified Remains of Karl Marx, in your seminal work Das Kapital, you criticize capitalism as a form of oppression by the wealthy against the laborer class, and predict the doom of the capitalist state through a workers' revolution:

While there is a progressive diminution in the number of the capitalist magnates, there occurs a corresponding increase in the mass of poverty, oppression, enslavement, degeneration and exploitation. But at the same time there is a steady intensification of the wrath of the working class -- a class which grows ever more numerous and is disciplined, unified and organized by the very mechanism of the capitalist method of production.


In view of the fact that social and economic development in capitalist countries has proceeded along a precisely opposite direction from the one you predicted, do you feel that the failure of Communism in the 20th century represents a failure of your political and economic philosophy? And if not, how would you redefine the tenets of Marxist ideology in a postmodern, postindustrial context?

A:


- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/15/2003 09:03:41 AM
Why is this so damn funny EVERY TIME???

(do Hemingway! do Hemingway!)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 165.121.39.124
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 07/15/2003 11:52:35 AM
I love doing these. I think it's because every time I read it, I expect him to answer the question.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.97.143
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 07/15/2003 04:39:25 PM
Hey, ask him what he thinks of post-Marxism!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownsim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/15/2003 06:21:14 PM
He thinks it's dead, baby.

(insert inexplicable Austin Powers accent.)

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ezrael
EMAIL: ezrael@onebox.com
IP: 4.40.2.119
URL:
DATE: 07/15/2003 08:29:40 PM
He is answering the question. He's just really, really slow about it.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 165.121.37.172
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 07/16/2003 05:45:28 AM
He'd say more, but the last bits of his tongue crumbled away in 1923.

 

Poopy, the International Language
07/15/2003 05:00:11 AM


Following up on yesterday's post about the "squat toilets" I encountered in Korea, a couple of you wondered how exactly you're supposed to use one of these things. Well, wonder no more! Check out this cute presentation on how to use a Japanese-style squat toilet.

For those of you whose unseemly curiosity doesn't end there, I also came across this interesting article on the hows and whys of this most inscrutable of Asian bathroom fixtures. (I'm not sure what's more disturbing about this article -- the talk about squat toilets being great butt muscle exercise, or the fact that there is actually such a group as the "World Toilet Organization.")

Finally, for Sarah the amateur scatologist...The Bathroom Diaries, a compendium of public restroom reviews from around the globe! Check here first before your next trip overseas. I sure wish I had before I went to Korea -- that way, I might have known beforehand that Korean public bathrooms almost never have frickin' toilet paper in them! (I'm "crapping" you negative.) A fun fact I learned firsthand, much to my chagrin.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: cindy
EMAIL: cyn@candygenius.com
IP: 66.228.133.214
URL: http://www.candygenius.com
DATE: 07/15/2003 06:24:11 AM
I was wondering about that. What if you slipped? Or something fell out of your pocket. Gak.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.97.143
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 07/15/2003 04:43:45 PM
Being in a wheelchair, I get the feeling that I can never travel to the far east, less I want to fall into a tub of feces.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 67.64.24.155
URL: http://honestyonly.diaryland.com
DATE: 07/15/2003 04:50:54 PM
Thanks for the brilliant post at my blog today, I was laughing my buttocks off! As for the Korean toilets, all I have to say is, YIKES!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56nospam@yahoo.com
IP: 165.121.37.51
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 07/15/2003 08:53:41 PM
Well, what bothers me is that is isn't healthy to have to push, which squatting in that position would force you to do. I prefer a system where I can just relax and let nature do the rest.

Wait until you get a load (no pun intended) of German-style toilets, which have a "fecal recapture system" (i.e. a shelf with no water where the fecal matter is collected). Most people are completely wigged out by this, and end up flushing every few seconds in order to avoid the unpleasantness. This is very dangerous in non-urban German homes, which are almost always on a septic system.

(The idea is that, should the house occupant decide to do so, the poop may be collected and used for fertilizer instead of clogging a septic system.)

All I remember is how grossed out my sisters were everytime they had to use my grandmother's toilet when we visited her in Germany. Hee hee.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 165.121.37.51
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 07/15/2003 08:56:24 PM
What the hell? Now that's gross. I can understand collecting it for fertilizer and all, but if you're going to do that, why not just go out and poop in the fields? Or if you don't like squatting, you could just cut a hole in the seat of a wheelchair and wheel yourself along the rows, pooping as you go.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jane
EMAIL: the_reject@social-reject.com
IP: 24.205.204.88
URL: http://www.social-reject.com
DATE: 07/16/2003 12:04:45 AM
LMAO! So glad I live in the US.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sarah
EMAIL: sarahmeyer@earthlink.net
IP: 66.215.117.226
URL: http://stretchyswede.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/16/2003 12:13:16 AM
You make me so happy!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 165.121.37.172
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 07/16/2003 05:44:12 AM
I "aim" to please.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.191.97.76
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 07/16/2003 01:46:52 PM
Wow...that's a mental image that I'm just going to try to forget as quickly as possible.

 

LXG? More like LXP-U!!
07/15/2003 08:32:54 PM

Oh man. Where to begin? Not since The Avengers has so much talent put so much amazing work into the creation of such a monumental pile of shit. The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen -- or is it LXG, or The League, or what? -- is possibly the summer's most heinous craptacular to date. (Sure, Charlie's Ass Models: Full Erection is probably a worse film, but at least it's not meant to be anything else but a vapid rump-romp.)

Failures like this are especially tragic because they're just good enough to remind you of how much better they could have been. The Avengers made me want to cry, because Ralph and Uma were so fucking cool, and the teddy bears totally captured the insane subcurrent of the series, and it had Eddie Izzard, for fuck's sake (and saying absolutely nothing through nearly the entire movie, no less). You weep for Hamlet because you can see the great man he could have become if he hadn't been brought down. The Avengers should have been awesome. It should have been the kickoff for a four-movie franchise and a spinoff "Avengers 2000" TV series. Instead, it fell flat on its face and Ralph Nader will be President before we see an Avengers 2.

LXG (studios, can we, like, stop giving movies titles that sound like Honda models?) is a tragedy in the same way. This film will be studied for years to come in film schools as a field lesson in how to royally fuck up a movie. First you take great source material (the feverishly hailed graphic novel by Alan Moore, filled with some of the greatest characters of 19th century fantasy/horror literature), hire a cast of excellent actors led by the always, uh, Scottish Sean Connery, and pump the film full of great production values courtesy of the guy, Stephen Norrington, who kicked off the whole comic book phenom with Blade.

Then, you completely miss the point of what made the source material appealing, and commission a script that was evidently written by people who barely skimmed the comic book, let alone read the stories the characters were based upon. Finally, after shooting the film you hack the shit out of it, rendering the film just incoherent enough that viewers might not notice how ridiculous it all is.

I hated LXG because it wasn't entirely awful. It had some good moments, even some breathtaking moments. I loved Mina Harker flying across the rooftops of Venice in a swarm of bats. I loved Alan Quartermain taking out a roomful of armor-plated thugs while under great peril of possibly breaking a sweat. I even kind of liked Tom Sawyer laying a Chow Yun Fat down on some more armor-plated thugs with a revolver in each hand, Woo style. Nemo was cool. Dorian Gray was cool. They were all cool. Everything in the movie was cool. And it all added up to one gigantic suckathon.

I get the feeling there was a lot of studio interference involved here. The Connery/Norrington on-set feuding is well-known, and watching this thing it's not hard to guess who won the feud. Somewhere in all this mess was the movie everyone thought they were making, but the real movie only appears in isolated moments. Instead, we get a lot of artificially pumped-up action served in blandiose generic style. If any comic book movie this year needed to be more about character than action, it's this one.

I can't stop asking myself what the hell happened. It's not like you have to stretch to find fascinating stories and dialogue for characters like Allan Quartermain and Captain Nemo. Yet they felt it necessary to tack on some lame "character arc" for Quartermain regarding the death of his son. What the fuck? With characters this rich, you just wind 'em up and let 'em go! You don't try to cram them into the standard action movie character mold. I'm just grateful that they didn't have the immortal Dorian Gray mutter "I'm too old for this shit."

Also, I have to backtrack a little bit on my earlier tirade against people who bitch about "obvious CGI." I still hate nitpicking and don't believe being able to tell CGI from the real thing counts as a legitimate gripe about a film, but when the effect is so awful that it sproings you right out of the movie, it's a problem. The Jekyll/Hyde character is fascinating and well-done for the most part, but Hyde looks like a 110% scaled human head Photoshopped onto a pre-green-body paint Hulk body . They apparently used a real actor's head and a CG prosthetic lower body, but they forgot to make the CG part of Hyde look even halfway alive. The guy looks like a head glued onto a huge pile of dirty cotton balls.

The less said about the villain and his outlandish plan for world domination, the better. But let me just say that spending a jagillion dollars in order to hatch an elaborate scheme to make maybe half a jagillion dollars isn't really sound financial planning. If this guy had lived today, he probably would have started up a dot-com. When you eventually find out who he is, ask yourself if this person would really be even half as stupid and cowardly as he appears here.

So...bleah. It's not bad enough to condemn, but it's not good enough to get excited about, either. And since you know the chances of an LXG 2 are minimal after this crash-and-burn, it's not even worth complaining about. We should just let this nobly intentioned blob of crap ooze quietly out of the room as we pretend to ignore it.

What this film really needed was a Nicholas Meyer. If you want to see a good movie about legendary 19th century figures, check out Time After Time instead.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56nospam@yahoo.com
IP: 165.121.37.51
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 07/15/2003 09:02:20 PM
You said it, Chairman. It was quite frustrating, and as a fan of the graphic novel, I was very disappointed. Again, not in the performance of the excellent cast, but in the chaotic plot. The screenwriter should be shot for such a lousy story. It is so sad to see something that should have been a kick-ass film go down in flames.

I mean, you have Alan Moore, what else do you want? They should have just had him do the script.

There is a nod to Moore and his co-author during the scene where they descend upon rainy London as they go to meet M. It's good fun.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 68.166.20.52
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 07/15/2003 09:09:46 PM
Preach it, brother B. "I hated LXG because it wasn't entirely awful" sums up exactly how I felt.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 07/15/2003 11:25:01 PM
I heard it was pretty bad but was tempted to see it because I heard some villain actually uses the McBain-esque taunt "Bomb Voyage!" as he leaves the heroes to "die."

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike whybark
EMAIL: mike@whybark.com
IP: 216.173.212.237
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 07/16/2003 12:07:42 AM
a ha ha ha

"vapid rump-romp"

"blandiose"

snort

the Moore nod is a direct visual quote from the book, too.

The thing I hated was the kept having characters explain what they were doing while they were doing it.

shot:
Vampire bats attack snipers staioned in soon to be sunk Venice (mighty loyal snipers, but I guess the script-approval people couldn't imagine that there might be people smarter than them) and we're told by a character, "Looks like vampire lady's got the snipers."

Alan Moore should sue to get his name off the thing. It was an atrocity - I didn't even have MIXED feelings.

Thank God I had Captain Jack Sparrow to entertain me when I closed my eyes, or I would have erupted into MINDLESS HULK RAGE.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Dymphna
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 195.182.168.59
URL: http://katemonkey.livejournal.com/
DATE: 07/16/2003 02:12:46 AM
*sniff*

I was looking so forward to the LOEG movie when Jess Nevins told me he read the script and knew it'd be dreck.

Oh well.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 165.121.37.172
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 07/16/2003 05:43:42 AM
The movie felt like they had three completely different scripts they couldn't decide between, so they decided to mix 'n match between them, except randomly.

The whole Venice thing was implausible but I was willing to deal -- I mean, if you can accept an Invisible Man.... But then with the whole "LXG Sampler Kit" subplot and the trip to Siberia...what was the point?? It's as if they knew the movie would never birth a sequel, so they just tossed all of their ideas into the vat and mixed it all up.

Bleah!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ezrael
EMAIL: ezrael@onebox.com
IP: 4.40.2.119
URL:
DATE: 07/16/2003 06:50:09 AM
I actually liked it quite a bit, but then again, I come from a different mindset. I expect every movie to be absolute shit: I hate movies. I don't even think many of them should even be considered art. (I realize how amazingly anachronistic this idea is, but considering that they don't even teach how to make movies in film school it doesn't seem that out there to me.) I realize a lot of people do believe films are art, but to me, they're two hour vacations from thinking. If I want art, I read a book: movies are for popcorn and a large soda and holding my girl's hand. So my expectations are much, much lower and LXG (gotta admit to hating the acronym) managed to deliver what I expected from it. Moore himself doesn't give a rats ass what they do with his ideas on film, and I can see why: there's simply no way for a two hour film to remotely capture the complexity and depth the man creates with. You could argue that X-Men and X2 did to some degree, but I would disagree with that assessment. (I don't actively dislike the X movies, but I'm hardly a fan.)

LXG the film was basically an excuse for numerous and illogical fight scenes. They came off well. Does it make sense that Hyde should be rampaging on the Rue Morgue, that the Fantom should build a huge factory in Mongolia and then leave the inside of it mostly deserted (would it have KILLED Norrington and Robinson to have made it a converted temple or Lammasery) so that it would be more atmospheric? No, not really. But the screenwriter (James Robinson, famous for his work on comics like The Golden Age and Starman) does know the source material, probably better than we do (since he knows Moore personally). I point to how people reacted to the recent Hulk movie which was indeed a character driven film (Where was all the action seems to be the cry) as a reminded that to a certain degree, there was no way they could win with this one. Go too deeply into character and you alienate the moviegoers looking for thrills and chills: go too far into action and you lose the audience who loved the interplay in the book.

Of course, things like the Nautilis in Venice don't work, period. Would it have killed Nemo to have a smaller sub for moments like that?

Obviously the Norrington/Connery conflict had an affect on the shooting and construction of the film. But ultimately, there was an attempt to create a film that hearkened back to the breathless pace of the old serials to some degree here, and for me it was more positive than negative. I'd give it an A for effort and a C for execution.

But Tom Sawyer should be seventy plus years old in 1899. He was a boy in Missouri in the 1830's. If Robinson felt the need to include him, he *should* have been a grizzled old vet challenging everything Quatermain said.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: gene
EMAIL: spinward@Hotmail.com IP: 63.136.96.13

URL: http://www.somethingoutofnothing.net
DATE: 07/16/2003 10:22:38 AM
You know, both The Avengers and LXG had Sean Connery in it. Oh, and he was in Highlander 2.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ezrael
EMAIL: ezrael@onebox.com
IP: 4.40.2.119
URL:
DATE: 07/16/2003 12:52:17 PM
He was also in Zardoz, a movie so amazingly and completely awful that it makes anything else he was ever in look like God wrote it.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.107.125.29
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 07/16/2003 06:13:04 PM
Ah, Zardoz. "The gun is good. The penis is evil."

 

Post-Potter Depression
05:16:52 AM

I am Mr. Instant Gratification. When I want something, I have to have it now or it consumes my every waking thought. It doesn't even matter that I won't be able to do anything with it once I have it; the possession is all. I avoid entire TV series that I know I'll love, so I can get the whole thing on tape or DVD. If I ever decide to start doing smack, I'll wait until I amass a gigantic fortune, so I can buy a lifetime supply right upfront (which actually would probably not be that much, since I'd immediately OD on the stuff). If that sounds anal retentive or obsessive-compulsive, it's only because I am both of those things.

So. There I was, so very proud of myself that I was avoiding the whole Harry Potter craze until all the books were out. At which point I'd jump in and devour the entire stack of 'em in one gigantic Potterthon. Then I saw the two movies. My resolve crumbled shortly thereafter, and I started picking my way through the books, warily.

I liked the first couple of books, but I didn't start to really get hooked until around Azkaban. Probably because Sandra read that one aloud to me, and Sandra is the best reader I've ever had the pleasure to listen to. Sure, you've got your celebrated pros, like George Guidall and Jim Dale and Frank Muller, and they're all fine, expressive readers. But when Sandra reads, not only does she have a great speaking voice, but you feel everything that's going on because Sandra feels it.

You'll never hear Jim Dale break down in the middle of a particularly poignant passage, but dammit, you should. Sometimes that stately "AC-TOR!" voice, rolling relentlessly onward through every emotional peak, can be so maddeningly detached. With Sandra reading, you don't just listen to the words -- you share the experience of the novel. She really ought to volunteer to read books for elderly people. But then again, that would just leech away all of her reading time with me, so screw that.

Anyway, back to 'Arry. It was Goblet of Fire that really got me going. I find it fascinating that the books are becoming darker and more complex as Harry grows; I can't think of another children's series where the writing itself parallels the development of the protagonist. Usually with children's series the books are sort of suspended in time, or written with a fairly consistent style and voice. I liked Sorcerer's Stone, but it felt like a kids' book. The way J.K. Rowling portrays the characters in the first couple of books feels very safe and nonthreatening. Even Voldemort, while always scary, comes off as more of a fairytale villain than a three-dimensional character.

But with Azkaban and Goblet it felt like the cover of that safe storybook world had frayed and begun to peel back, revealing secrets and truths neither the younger Harry nor I had suspected were there. Suddenly the books didn't feel so safe. And the thought that Rowling might have planned it this way all along is amazing. What kind of patience does it take to silently endure the dismissals of critics and readers through the publication of two, three books, knowing that everything they're carping about is merely part of the Master Plan?

(Of course, I'm simplifying...it's not as if Chamber of Secrets is all sunshine and whimsy -- it's plenty dark itself. But it doesn't have the narrative sophistication that you find in the fourth and fifth books. It's a "younger" novel on many levels.)

Long story short, so to speak, I loved Order of the Phoenix. Sandra said, and I agree, that it could easily have been about 200 pages shorter, but it's all good stuff. The Harry Potter naysayers can bite my ass; either they're not fans of the fantasy genre, which is cool, or they're just reacting against the hype, which is uncool. As weird as it is to have a commercial smash that actually lives up to its popularity, the Potter books are genuine literature. (Those who dismiss the Potter books because of their success should also shun Dickens, whose serial novel installments were often greeted with a mob frenzy that makes the Potter midnight book releases look like tea parties.) Personally, I don't see how you can be a lover of the written word and not enjoy these books. Rowling manages to write children's literature in the classic style while infusing her books with a thoroughly modern perspective.

Not that s
he's technically immaculate. Maybe it's just the extended Potter marathon I've been going through over the past couple of months, but Rowling has some literary tics that are starting to drive me up the wall. If I hear another character say something "shortly," I'm going to scream. It's like how Stephen King can't write a novel without describing someone with a scary grin or with "teeth too white and even to be anything but dentures." But she's a master storyteller, with perfect timing and an incredible ear for dialogue.

What I like best is that her stories never lose the sense of play. She's always reminding you that stories are meant to be fun, and not in that shrill Nickelodeon way, but in the "sitting in a treehouse all day buried in a book when you're ten years old" way. Literature is so damned serious lately, even when it's trying to be funny. Rowling is the inheritor of a storytelling crown that has passed through the ages between writers like Chaucer, Shakespeare, Dickens, Arthur Conan Doyle, and Stephen King. People who didn't want to just write great books, but also to forge a bond with their readers.

That said, I've got to admit that this newest book, very much the gloomiest so far, was tough sledding at times. Not that I wasn't enjoying every page, but Harry is so riddled with angst and years of repressed anger finally erupting that at times you feel uncomfortable, like when your best friend starts going off on some enraged rant and all you can do is sit there and listen quietly. He's at that age where a lot of teens start acting like complete assholes, and without the previous books to reinforce you, it'd be difficult to put up with him through this entire novel.

Of course I'm like the millionth person to point out how dark this new book is, but it is just the same. Along with the last few chapters of Goblet of Fire, this is the book where things finally become deadly serious. The feeling I get looking forward to the next book is about equal parts excitement and dread. I can sort of see how the final two books are going to proceed, and it's not going to be pretty.

As for the "major character who dies," I hope I'm not giving too much away by saying that I kind of doubt that the character is going to stay dead. Not only is the death sort of ambiguous, but this character had a story arc that isn't done by a long shot. I can't imagine Rowling just dismissing the character without tying up the many loose ends that the departure presents. My prediction is that this character will return, maybe not in Book Six, but definitely in Book Seven.

Anyway, those are my long-ass thots on the Potter book. What'd you think of this one?

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: hannah
EMAIL: hannahw@med.umich.edu
IP: 141.214.17.5
URL:
DATE: 07/16/2003 05:54:43 AM
I can't think of another children's series where the writing itself parallels the development of the protagonist.

One of my favorites is the Little House on the Prairie series. I remember my young heart going pit-a-pat when she started falling in love with Almanzo.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: cindy
EMAIL: cyn@candygenius.com
IP: 66.228.133.214
URL: http://www.candygenius.com
DATE: 07/16/2003 06:24:06 AM
I suppose I am going to have to slog through them now. I got bored with the first one about 1/4 of the way through it. Everyone tells me that is when it starts to get good. Dang it!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Dymphna
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 195.182.168.59
URL: http://katemonkey.livejournal.com/
DATE: 07/16/2003 07:42:13 AM
I'm glad to hear that I'm not the only one who got really hooked via Goblet of Fire. The bastard.

And Rowling's constant use of the characters blushing always gets me. I mean, okay, England, pale skin, tendency to grow pink very easily, but come on! They're not "blushing," "reddening," "flushing," "coloring," and twenty billion other words for the same damn thing every ten seconds!

Also: Sirius + Remus 4-eva! Joint Christmas Present = LUV!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/16/2003 08:38:18 AM
I have yet to start the Harry Potter series (I have to read the last three John Sandford "Prey" novels before I'm allowed to do anything outside of the "cop" genre) but I couldn't agree more about those who would turn their noses up based on the popularity craze. Hey, here's an idea! Instead of getting your head up your ass about literary integrity, you elitist wannabe, how about TRYING IT OUT FOR YOURSELF???

(Anyway. We all know that those are the people who sit home and read Danielle Steele under the bed with a copy of The Order of Things on the nightstand.)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.120.218.66
URL: http://honestyonly.diaryland.com
DATE: 07/16/2003 08:49:04 AM
Can you please tell me how to do the superscript 2 next to the B? Grassy Ass.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 165.121.32.100
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 07/16/2003 09:13:38 AM
Hey, thanks B - those are very kind words about my reading! She has some interesting ways of constructing sentences that make smooth reading a little difficult sometimes. I do okay with the quirky Britishisms, but the backwards sentences throw me from time to time. Other than that, there was certainly enough emotion to keep me an interested reader throughout the whole book.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 199.74.72.58
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/17/2003 02:59:49 PM
I'm a big Harry Potter freak. I know that the Harry Potter books aren't exactly the most brilliantly creative or well-written books in the world, but Rowling does know how to tell a good story, which so many authors today seem incapable of doing.

Anyway, I'm really pleased that the fifth book has given the characters so much depth. I'm actually starting to think that Snape is the best character in the book. He's gone from being the one-deminsional jerk figure to being really interestingly twisted, and generally all the characters seem to be becoming much less black-and-white, which is very cool.

 

How 2 ²
07/16/2003 02:43:22 PM

The ever-inquisitive Angela writes:

Can you please tell me how to do the superscript 2 next to the B? Grassy Ass.

Why, certainly, Angela!

[Cue "Dr. Science" music]

Just type it like so: ²

That's it! Wasn't that easy? Remember, always use the B² when saying things like, "Man, that B² totally rocks my world," and "I would so let B² live in my garage."

On the other hand, please continue to use "B2" for statements like "B2 sucks ass," and "That B2 guy still owes me money!" That way, creditors and cuckolded boyfriends/husbands who Google me will gnash their teeth in frustration as they end up at this site.

Does that answer your question, Angela?

Sure does, B²! Now can you tell me why you keep moving every six months and not leaving a forwarding address?

Whoops, that's all the time we have for today. See you tomorrow, kids!

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: cindy
EMAIL: cyn@candygenius.com
IP: 66.228.133.214
URL: http://www.candygenius.com
DATE: 07/16/2003 02:50:39 PM
Kewl! It works in blogrolling ²

Thanks for the how²

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: spywholovedyou@aol.com
IP: 207.213.219.4
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 07/16/2003 03:58:24 PM
Cool. Now I won't have copy and paste it.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 67.161.129.252
URL:
DATE: 07/16/2003 07:23:16 PM
Hope you don't mind if I practice...

I would sure let B² use me for my money!

Hmmm, it works!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: serenity
EMAIL: serenity@serenitysjournal.com
IP: 66.54.1.38
URL: http://www.serenitysjournal.com
DATE: 07/17/2003 09:19:58 AM
B²

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: serenity
EMAIL: serenity@serenitysjournal.com
IP: 66.54.1.38
URL: http://www.serenitysjournal.com
DATE: 07/17/2003 09:20:37 AM
heh...I'm so easily entertained.

B² B² B²

uh oh...back to work.

-----

COMMENT: AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@yahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.92
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 07/17/2003 10:03:40 AM
Ooohhh goody! Must now update an entry.:) First practice. B² B² B²...Coolios!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 165.121.39.63
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 07/17/2003 11:12:15 AM
You make my job so much easier. :)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.120.218.66
URL: http://honestyonly.diaryland.com
DATE: 07/17/2003 11:17:50 AM
SWEEEEEET! Thanks B²! But can I call you R² B²?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.120.218.66
URL: http://honestyonly.diaryland.com
DATE: 07/17/2003 11:19:20 AM
I just realized, that would only be funny if you say it Bee Two, but I'm thinking it's actually supposed to be Bee Squared. No? I don't care! I'm still calling you Are Two Bee Two.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.120.218.66
URL: http://honestyonly.diaryland.com
DATE: 07/17/2003 11:19:58 AM
by the way, that's a Star Wars joke. oh nevermind.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 165.121.39.63
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 07/17/2003 11:21:51 AM
"Tweet."

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56nospam@yahoo.com
IP: 165.121.39.63
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 07/17/2003 09:46:27 PM
Oooookay, Buck!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.120.218.66
URL: http://honestyonly.diaryland.com
DATE: 07/18/2003 01:42:27 PM
so, which is it? bee two or bee squared?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.134.62
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 07/19/2003 08:58:56 PM
² hip ² B²

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.134.62
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 07/19/2003 08:59:16 PM
huey lewis rules.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 165.121.37.34
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 07/20/2003 03:14:53 AM
You're having way too much fun with this!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.134.142
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 07/20/2003 12:24:23 PM
sorry ² be a bother!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.
com
IP: 165.121.38.61 URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 07/20/2003 12:36:37 PM
Bother? No way! I feel like the goodwill ambassador of special HTML characters. If you like B², you'll love my upcoming symposium on ™ and ®!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.128.110
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 07/21/2003 09:48:49 AM
tha™akes me happy.

 

Sky News Gives Good Headlines
07/16/2003 04:50:37 PM

20,000 blowjobs could arouse the flaccid UK economy. Meanwhile, France protests that this will suck jobs from European professionals.

Get it? "Arouse"? "Flaccid"? "Suck"? God damn, where else can you find sexual innuendo this subtle yet provocative?

(via Fark)

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 67.161.129.252
URL:
DATE: 07/16/2003 07:21:43 PM
Mmmmm ... provocative!

 

Public Service Blogging
07/17/2003 02:11:51 AM

korean+slang

Unfortunately I don't know any Korean slang, since I left Korea before I had the chance to pick up much more than "I'm hungry!" and "I need to poop!" However, let me share with you one of my favorite Korean words: kibun.

Kibun has no direct translation in English, but the closest equivalent is probably "mood" or "feeling." It refers to a condition of harmony and good feelings that exists between people. So, if you're with a group of friends and everyone's getting along and the atmosphere is chummy, then you have "good kibun." But if someone in the group gets drunk and starts singing "Yesterday" at the top of his lungs, this will tend to create "bad kibun" among the group and anyone within earshot.

Perhaps the best way to illustrate this concept to foreign devils is through American-style comic strips!



- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jen
EMAIL: jen@verybigdesign.com
IP: 24.209.12.237
URL: http://www.verybigdesign.com/verybigblog
DATE: 07/17/2003 05:02:24 AM
Sound like it means room mojo to me...

so bad kibun is like "buzz kill"?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@yahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.92
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 07/17/2003 10:35:25 AM
I live pretty close to the Mexican border. Down there the sewyer systems are sooo bad flushing toilet paper down the toilet def is bad kibun since it results in a backed up toilet. However, upon crossing over the border to go shopping or attending parties at nice golf courses here, I've walked into many a restroom where Mexican citizens, not realizing our sewyer systems were designed specifically for the handling of poopy paper will shove that stuff in the trashcans or leave it on the floor. BAD KILBUN!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 165.121.39.63
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 07/17/2003 11:51:45 AM
Bad kibun, to me, is when one person isn't going with the flow of whatever is going on with the other people in the room. In this way, it is a very Asian concept, since the ideal situation is when everyone is thinking the same way and basically behaving in the same way. Therefore, it's very easy to create bad kibun, because you may unintentionally drop a bomb on the proceedings by saying something off subject or out of character, or something that would basically make others feel uncomfortable or off-put.

Basically, if the behavior is not expected, it is bad kibun.

There is also personal (individual) good or bad kibun - it is sort of the same concept, except that you feel a disharmony within yourself. When you are right with the world, you can say to others that you have good kibun, but when you feel unlucky or think things aren't going your way, it's bad kibun.

I only know how to say I have bad kibun in Korean... I forgot what to say for good kibun, probably because I don't say it often enough. (grin)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BeerMary
EMAIL: mary@NOSPAMrantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 07/17/2003 02:50:28 PM
Moose gave me bad kibun yesterday. I got home from work and expected to be greeted by a dog and two bunnies sharing good feelings. Alas, I was greeted by a Saint Bernard with diarrhea.

I lit a bunch of candles, to get rid of any olfactory reminders of the bad kibun.

I also drank 4 beers, and found that the good kibun had returned.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.153.57.128
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 07/17/2003 04:37:21 PM
This is so funny!

Oh, and also, I think my boyfriend is cheating on me... and I might be dying, and it hurts to laugh...

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/17/2003 05:08:38 PM
i don't remember My Father Has just Been Diagnosed With Prostrate Cancer being on Top Model this season. I think you might be thinking of Will I Ever Walk Again, Doctor.

It's an easy mistake. They're both blond.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jen
EMAIL: jen@verybigdesign.com
IP: 24.209.12.237
URL: http://www.verybigdesign.com/verybigblog
DATE: 07/17/2003 08:28:02 PM
I wanna know why that last guy is wearing a life vest... or is it a parachute harness? either way he's in for bad kibun!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.96.220
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 07/18/2003 12:02:31 PM
Wow...I feel like my whole life is one big bad kibun.

 

Kibun You the Best That I Got
07/18/2003 02:45:43 AM

It occurs to me that in yesterday's post about kibun, I explained what bad kibun was, but I didn't do a very good job of explaining good kibun.

While kibun is a lot like "room mojo," it's also a fundamental part of the Korean psyche. Koreans are all about harmony and group consensus. Good kibun is the grease that lubricates society and allows it to function. Most Koreans would rather give way in a conflict than perpetuate bad feelings.

From the Korean point of view, Americans are an extremely confrontational culture. In America, it's all-important to gain personal victories and get your way in all situations. Great respect is accorded those who are willing to foment conflict and rock the boat. Koreans would see this kind of behavior as selfish and arrogant. Individual victory is not as important as the good of the whole. They'd rather swallow their pride than create a bad situation that would disturb everyone's inner peace.

But you know what? Screw this. Here's the comic!

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.96.220
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 07/18/2003 12:03:45 PM
These comix have led me to one conclusion: harmony (for the most part) sucks!

 

The Bus: The Motion Picture
07/18/2003 03:41:10 AM

Hooray, another Paul Kirchner fan! Check out this spiff Flash animation by Lunar Simian, inspired by one of Kirchner's "Bus" comic strips. It's the best introduction to Kirchner's absurd sensibility that I can think of. Thanks for the link, L.S.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.120.218.66
URL: http://honestyonly.diaryland.com
DATE: 07/18/2003 07:10:58 AM
GO HERE, kind sir!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 165.121.36.225
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 07/18/2003 11:08:00 AM
Oh, hey! I've seen that, but I didn't know it was open to anybody. Then it took me about another eon to figure out how to actually do it. Duh. Cool! Go Mary!!! Or uh, I mean Stay Mary!!!

 

Movies Good
07/18/2003 11:42:48 AM

Bad Boys II isn't just bad - it's a catastrophic violation of every aspect of cinema that I as a film critic hold dear. -- James Berardinelli

Everybody involved in this project needs to do some community service. -- Roger Ebert

BLAM! BLAM! Joke! Joke! BLAM! CRASH! BLAM! Joke! BLAM! CRASH! CRASH! JOKE! BLAM! -- David Poland

Hot damn. I have got to see this. Like, right now.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.96.220
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 07/18/2003 12:04:28 PM
I have to hand it to Ebert...he's been coming up with a lot of good zingers lately!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/18/2003 12:39:15 PM
I knew it was going to be good... I didn't know it was going to be that good.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/19/2003 12:13:24 PM
A friend of mie saw it last night. He claims that it's the "CSI: Miami" of action movies. Which, obviously, means it's pure fucking genius.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 165.121.38.21
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 07/19/2003 01:25:09 PM
I'm convinced that this is actually a conceptual art film.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jane
EMAIL: the_reject@social-reject.com
IP: 24.205.105.251
URL: http://www.social-reject.com
DATE: 07/19/2003 01:49:47 PM
I have always found that if the critics hate it, I'll probably love it. Critics don't watch movies the same way the rest of us do. They are so busy looking for the flaws (and all movies are flawed in some way) that they completely miss the point.

Remember all the naysayers regarding "Titanic"? "It'll sink under it's own weight!" they cried. Well, they were right about the weight part. 600 million bucks profit is pretty hefty. Heh.

Ok, I'll stop rambling now.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/20/2003 06:50:11 PM
Best. Movie. EVER!

 

The One Where the Bulldog Shakes His Finger at the Kitty All "Mm mm mm!" and the Kitty Bats Playfully at It
07/18/2003 02:15:44 PM



Looney Tunes on DVD!! Not only that, but the collection includes "Feed the Kitty," the greatest cartoon ever made, ever. If you can watch the scene where Marc Antony thinks the kitty was chopped up into cookies and puts one on his back and not projectile vomit with laughter while sinking slowly to the floor, unconscious, then we shant blog together again.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jimmy Tremble
EMAIL: jimmyt@forceofmouth.com
IP: 65.65.209.7
URL: http://www.forceofmouth.com
DATE: 07/18/2003 10:58:08 PM
I am going to buy this the minute it becomes available and I have some extra money. I looked for looney tunes on DVD a couple of months ago and there was not jack shit available. This is excellent news.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Scott
EMAIL: volume22@email.com
IP: 205.161.155.73
URL: http://volume22.blogspot.com/
DATE: 07/19/2003 09:08:52 AM
The modern equivalent to the sobbing dog with the kitten cookie on his back is the Simpsons episode where Homer thinks Bart was turned into a cardboard box: "My boy's a box!"

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 07/19/2003 10:30:21 AM
I ♥ that kitty cookie episode! Must get dvd!:)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 67.161.129.252
URL:
DATE: 07/19/2003 11:50:11 AM
Looney Toones were the best ever! I have a soft spot for the WWII-era ones. Where Bugs and Daffy and Porky encourage you to recycle your aluminum and such.

 

Summer Reruns
07/19/2003 04:34:03 PM



Now that the Blogathon is just a week away, I'm giving the blogging a rest so I can be all fresh and rarin' to go by six fucking holy God in the morning next Saturday. So in lieu of new posts, I give you a selection of my personal favorite weblog entries over the past few years, including the Asian Bastard stuff from before my descent into the nightmare of crack addiction and transsexual clown prostitutes.

July 13, 2001

The Insult That Made a Web Geek Out of Asian Bastard

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.137.15.20
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 07/19/2003 07:42:00 PM
Mmmmm... clip show! =)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 165.121.37.34
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 07/20/2003 02:27:06 AM
"Remember that weblog entry when...?"

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.209.21
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 07/20/2003 08:24:03 AM
Memories...

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 67.161.129.252
URL:
DATE: 07/20/2003 10:46:44 AM
Thanks for rerunning stuff like this, for the benefit of those of us who have just recently discovered the brilliance that is B⊃!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 67.161.129.252
URL:
DATE: 07/20/2003 07:08:20 PM
²

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sher
EMAIL: sherdelune@comcast.net
IP: 68.85.222.28
URL: http://anervousworld.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/21/2003 08:07:34 AM
Transexual clown prostitutes..what a visual. ;)

 

Summer Reruns II
07/20/2003 03:01:24 AM



June 20, 2001

How to Make Love to a Single Girl!

I love, love, love fucking around with cheesy 70's ads like this one. I'm not sure why the tips below were only for a single girl (you couldn't use them to shag a couple of girls at a time?) but I thought it was funny, so I kept it.

By the way, I decided to add a little commentary to some of these, like in the Calvin & Hobbes 10th Anniversary book. Pretty high-tone, huh?

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.209.21
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 07/20/2003 08:23:27 AM
An oldie but goodie - hilarious! I love the bit about the chewing.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 67.161.129.252
URL:
DATE: 07/20/2003 10:44:26 AM
Do you know how much it hurts to shoot Perrier out of your nose?

Too funny!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B
EMAIL: bs_liang@hotmail.com
IP: 65.153.66.112
URL:
DATE: 07/20/2003 03:12:24 PM
Hey B, found out something interesting today. Madagascar smells like ice cream. We better go.

why? because most of the world's vanilla is grown there or some crap.

If i was going to be on who wants to be a millionaire could i call you?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jimmy Tremble
EMAIL: jimmyt@forceofmouth.com
IP: 65.65.209.7
URL: http://forceofmouth.com
DATE: 07/20/2003 07:13:19 PM
"suprise, I'm in your butt" ha!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sarah
EMAIL: sarahmeyer@earthlink.net
IP: 66.215.62.206
URL: http://stretchyswede.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/20/2003 09:24:54 PM
I always loved that one!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 07/20/2003 09:55:57 PM
Haha! That is too hilarious for words. The sad thing about in reading the ad, Gary Coleman is getting a lot more booty than me. Ah man...I think I'll go cry in my pillow now thank you very much.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.25.250.194
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 07/20/2003 11:14:13 PM
Hey, how come when I do "best of" no one gives a hoot, but when you do it you get tons of posts? I'm afraid to do "best of" now...all I'm giving the customers is fresh new material! Wah.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 68.19.248.143
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 07/20/2003 11:45:47 PM
Damn... I just realized how long I've been reading your site in all the various forms it has taken. I feel old now.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.167.118.149
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 07/21/2003 12:15:02 AM
That was one of my favorites!

"Be sure to kiss this two or three times before inserting your penis."

If only all guys were this classy...

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BeerMary
EMAIL: mary@NOSPAMrantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 07/21/2003 07:26:25 AM
If you ever want a "How to make love to the CATHOLIC single girl" edition, just stick a beer in her hand and add the caption, "Keep these comin', G!"

 

Summer Reruns III
07/21/2003 03:34:25 AM



b>September 6, 2001

Hard Knock Life: The Confessions of Jay Z. I'm sorry, but Jay Z. is just hilarious. --B²

At the outset of my first blog entry for Asian Bastard, I'd like to thank Mr. Bastard for the opportunity to express myself in this forum. As a rap artist, it is a rare opportunity indeed when I am able to speak my mind freely, outside of the constraints of my chosen art form. Though my lyrics and stage persona may suggest otherwise, the hip hop lifestyle is not merely what is referred to in the vernacular as "bitches and money." Indeed, the myriad demands of the "thug life" and the need to satisfy the fans can place an onerous burden on even the most stalwart rap musician.

Like many hip hop artists, I got my start on the Borscht Belt, playing resorts and nightclubs in the Catskills during the lucrative summer season. Though some of you may imagine the resort circuit as a romantic escapade, for a struggling young unknown like myself it was anything but. At Grossinger's, for instance, one of the swankiest hotels in the Catskills, I rarely enjoyed the luxurious amenities the resort provided; rather, I spent my days onstage in the auditorium, rehearsing under the apprenticeship of such legendary old school performers as Shecky Greene, Red Skelton (God rest his soul), and Grandmaster Melle Mel. It was a demanding life, but I was on Cloud Nine, fulfilling a lifelong dream of singing and dancing, and pursuing an even grander vision of stardom. As Shecky told me once, "If you want it, you need only dream it." I have kept those words close to my heart ever since.

During my apprenticeship, I often kept the company of other young artists, some of whom went on to achieve great success. For instance, perhaps the name Anne Murray means something to you? Today she has millions of fans around the world, but "back in the day" she was just another struggling singer/songwriter.

Annie and I were best pals from the beginning. She helped me through some tough times, and I was a shoulder for her to cry on when she hit the many potholes on her road to fame. In fact, her song "You Needed Me" was inspired by our friendship. When I hear that song, and such lyrics as "You held my hand/ When it was cold / When I was lost / You took me home / You gave me hope / When I was at the end / And turned my life / Back into truth again," it's hard to keep the tears from springing to my eyes, I kid you not! I haven't talked to Anne in many years, but she remains one of my closest friends.

Now, this isn't a very well-known fact, and I have actually only told this story to a few close friends, but my first real break in the business came at the hands of none other than showbiz legend Buddy Hackett. He was just finishing up a smash run on Broadway with The Music Man, and I was fortunate enough to attend one of his farewell performances. Backstage, I ran into an old Catskills chum who happened to be Buddy's road manager. The next thing I knew, I was in Buddy's dressing room, face to face with one of my greatest idols! Now, Buddy has a rep for being a hard-nosed, abrasive fellow, but I must have caught him on a good night, for he was unfailingly kind to this struggling rap artist. "Kid," Buddy said, chomping on a huge Cuban cigar that must have cost more than my monthly salary, "this business is all about image. It's all about marketing yourself. Find your niche and play it for all it's worth."

Wise words indeed. I thanked Buddy and prepared to leave his dressing room. As I turned, Buddy added, "You got talent, kid! I haven't seen hip hop stylin' like yours since Big Daddy Kane rocked the house at the Tropicana." I was stunned! Tears sprang to my eyes as I thanked Buddy profusely for his extravagant -- and totally undeserved-- praise. Buddy not only accepted my thanks, but put in a good word for me at Caesar's Atlantic City, where I had my first "real" show.

And the rest, as they say, is history. My rise to stardom is already amply documented, so I won't go into it here. But now that I'm at the top of my game and rousing audiences to their feet from Atlantic City to Fresno, I haven't forgotten my Borscht Belt roots or the people who brought me here. And no matter where I go from here, I'll always have a song on my lips and love in my heart for my mentors and fellow travellers on the long hard road to success. "Big ups" and "props" to all of my "homies!"

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 67.161.129.252
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 07/21/2003 05:09:11 AM
There is a thank-you note to you on my blog!

 

Programming Note
07/21/2003 06:54:35 AM

The Fiction Bitch has updated again. I think she set a new record for appearances of the dreaded "red hypertext" with this one!

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.171.35.201
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 07/21/2003 10:12:01 PM
Reading those FB submissions makes my stomach hurt.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Allie
EMAIL: allie@analyze-this.us
IP: 148.78.243.26
URL: http://www.analyze-this.us
DATE: 07/22/2003 06:38:31 AM
I like the Bitch. I'm a published romance writer. I wonder what she would do to one of my old MS's.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.24.123.230
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 07/23/2003 08:14:03 AM
Submit to the Fiction Bitch.

 

Summer Reruns V
07/23/2003 03:46:39 AM



August 22, 2001

Laughing on the Outside: The Confessions of Soupy Sales

I caught some flak for this one, but in all honesty, I didn't consider it meanspirited. I love Soupy! Some of my fondest TV memories is of his holiday special appearances in the 70's. Also, I'm pretty certain this bears no resemblance to the real Soupy. For one thing, this Soupy gets laid! Bada bing! Thank you, I'll be at the Tiki Lounge through the 27th.

You know, these days people think of Soupy Sales as just a washed-up comedian. They look at me and they see nothing more than a has-been funnyman, a guy past his prime whose star has long faded. Kids today, they don't know from history. I go to one of these fancy schmancy techno nightclubs, the bouncer won't even let me in, the jerk. I gotta slip him a C-note just to let me use the goddamn john. Used to be I'd walk into any joint on the Strip, you name it -- the Tropicana, the Sands, Caesar's -- and the place would go nuts. Clappin', hootin', yellin' "Hey Soupy! Soupy, you're the best! Throw me a pie, Soupy!"

I didn't buy a single drink from 1965 to 1977. The phone rang off the hook night and day. Sammy, Frank, Dino -- they all wanted to be on my show. And the broads? Get outta here! Listen, if you took all the broads I banged and laid 'em end to end down Sunset Boulevard, you'd have one helluva sore dick by the time you got to La Cienega, you know what I'm sayin'? Heh heh...I guess that was a little blue, sorry.

I didn't always hafta work blue, you know. In '75 when I was doing Jr. Anything Goes for ABC, Fred Silverman came to my trailer one day during rehearsals. "Soupy," he said, "the kids just aren't tuning in like they used to. The boys upstairs are saying we've gotta spice up the show a little, you know, bring in some broads, show a little skin, maybe tell some dirty jokes, get the crowd goin'."

"But Fred," I said, shaking my head. "This is a Saturday morning kids' show. We've got standards to uphold. What am I gonna tell the parents when they call in asking me why their rug monkeys are sitting there watching half-naked showgirls on TV?"

"We want broads and dirty jokes on the show," Fred replied. "If you don't like it, we can always bring in Skip Stevenson."

I didn't even have to think twice. I looked that bastard straight in the eye and said, "Anything you say, Mr. Silverman!" So the naked chicks went on. What can I tell you? It was the height of the Sexual Revolution. If this AIDS thing hadn't come along, they'd be banging sheep on Sesame Street by now. We lasted two more episodes, and ABC finally yanked the show after a naked dwarf put his eye out trying to stuff a gerbil into Lyle Waggoner's nether regions and threatened to sue.

After that, my career pretty much went on the skids. I've kept working -- a commercial here, a skin flick there -- enough to keep me in blow, at any rate. But things ain't what they used to be. Still, this old hoss ain't exactly ready for the glue factory. I've got a life to live. I've got love in my heart and in my soul. I've got it in my hand, too, and I'm aiming it right at all of you fans out there who still remember the old Soupster. I'm not going anywhere, baby. I'm down, but I ain't out.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.139.128.41
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 07/23/2003 06:34:40 PM
You caught some flak for this? Who knew that Soupy had such a devoted fan base?

 

The Gods Must Be Okies
07/24/2003 09:48:42 AM

Thanks to my lovely new P.R. agent, BeerMary, I have gotten to know, or at least cyberstalk, quite a few bloggers from or near Kansas, so this one's for you guys. I came across this in my late-night travels and thought it might give you a little shiver of sad recognition.


(image from some site I was at
last night that I can't remember
now but which may have been
Pulp Fiction Magazine)

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BeerMary
EMAIL: mary@NOSPAMrantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 07/24/2003 12:24:17 PM
Having spent 20 years of my life in Kansas, I can tell you that this cover is "Pulp NON-Fiction". It's a true story. Kansas is the geographical manifest of the Wrath of God.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: serenity
EMAIL: serenity@serenitysjournal.com
IP: 66.54.1.38
URL: http://www.serenitysjournal.com
DATE: 07/24/2003 02:22:23 PM
Totally Off Topic:

I like the new picture on the left much better than the old one. Still not fond of the wood paneling but hey, it's your office and the content takes my mind off of it.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 165.121.35.88
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 07/24/2003 04:21:45 PM
Mary: I dunno, from this book cover it looks like they lead quite the exciting lives over there! My hat's off to all Kansans for holding back the tentacled alien hordes.

Serenity: Wait until you see my "Dogs Playing Poker" redesign!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 67.161.129.252
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 07/24/2003 07:29:02 PM
I hope you're serious about the dogs playing poker! I believe in the original artwork, there was a saint bernard playing poker with the group. He had a visor and some sunglasses and was smoking a cigar. W00t!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.166.150.218
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 07/24/2003 08:19:36 PM
Now you know why I had to leave Kansas. Everytime I'd get my car washed, some alien would come along and just cover it in slime. So annoying!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 165.121.35.88
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 07/25/2003 03:09:44 AM
I always thought Kansas was flat -- what's with all these spiky ice mountains?? You Kansans have a lot of explaining to do.

I love love love dogs playing poker. I have a big dogs playing poker tapestry from Archie McPhee in my living room. My favorite is the dog that slips the card to the other dog with its foot. Now that's humor.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BeerMary
EMAIL: mary@NOSPAMrantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 07/25/2003 07:06:34 AM
Tapestry? Oh honey. I'm a purist. My "dogs playing poker" medium of choice is black velvet. ;-)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.134.54
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 07/25/2003 07:32:07 AM
there's something about pulp fiction that gets me off.

it's like there's a lesson to be learned somewhere in there, but the authors didn't quite make the grade.

"jesus hates lesbians (but watches them do it)"
"gay sex is hot until you're ostracized so don't do it"
"doing it is totally cool but that woman will be the downfall of you"

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.120.218.66
URL: http://honestyonly.diaryland.com
DATE: 07/25/2003 08:37:26 AM
Kansas is no more of a shithole than any other state in my opinion.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/25/2003 01:54:59 PM
My personal favorite pulp fiction title:

"Captain Satan, Kind of Adventure!"

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/25/2003 01:56:02 PM
I mean "King of Adventure". Damn these hands!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 165.121.33.204
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 07/25/2003 02:11:21 PM
I liked the first title better!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.191.96.168
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 07/25/2003 05:59:50 PM
I like Kansas! It's green and full of cows. Lawrence is a cool town too (with hills!).

I like the wood paneling too. It's hilarious and ties in brilliantly with the man beaten down by life theme. I'd be sad to see it go.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sarah
EMAIL: sarahmeyer@earthlink.net
IP: 66.215.62.37
URL: http://stretchyswede.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/25/2003 11:00:05 PM
I think I recognize those spiky rocks, that's totally just two doors down from my parents' house and across from the 7-11. It's making me all homesick looking at it.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Cranky Chick
EMAIL: tess@crankychick.net
IP: 68.102.247.29
URL: http://crankychick.net
DATE: 07/26/2003 10:43:03 PM
Yes, Virginia, the Gods DO hate Kansas...

 

First Pic of Sirius Black!
07/24/2003 03:50:10 PM

UPDATE: The Man hasn't touched me yet, but I'm still pulling the image off my server. I don't have it, man. So don't even think about, like, e-mailing me for a copy, because I will absolutely not, like, attach a copy to an e-mail and send it to you for your enjoyment.

Warners is apparently diligently chasing after online copies of this pic, so I'll only keep it up for a while, but here's the first ever photo of Gary Oldman as Sirius Black.

It's a blurry on-location fan photo, but it gives you some idea of how he'll look. I believe the glasses he's wearing aren't part of his actual costume. You can also see Rupert Grint (Ron), Alan Rickman (Snape), and a couple of extremely lucky fangirls. I'm sorta "eh" about the pic, but it's hard to tell from photos like this how the character will look onscreen with full makeup and lighting.

(By the way...as a rule, export photographs as JPEGs, not GIFs! The original version of this file was not only about 60k larger, but the lack of detail is partly due to the color reduction of the GIF format. Remember folks, photos = JPEG, line art = GIF! Listen to Unca B² now.)

(Of course there are exceptions to the above, but it's the general rule of thumb. There are too many 300k photos out there that could easily be >20k. Be kind to us 56k dialup schmoes!)

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: SJ
EMAIL: revsj@ATyahoo.com
IP: 140.142.168.139
URL: http://shauny.org/iasshole
DATE: 07/24/2003 05:37:25 PM
Word on the JPEG tip.

Gary Oldman will always be LH Oswald to me.

"I am not resisting arrest!"

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 68.19.228.234
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 07/24/2003 06:16:25 PM
Woah. You're on dialup? I am sorry. I bet my background image sucks. I thought there weren't any of you left!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 68.19.228.234
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 07/24/2003 06:17:12 PM
Sorry about the double post. Let's go for a triple! I forgot to say thanks for the pic of Oldman. He definitely looks diffferent from any of his older roles I'm aware of.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: tanya
EMAIL: tanichka13@hotmail.com
IP: 24.107.6.89
URL: http://www.redsugar.com/muse/
DATE: 07/24/2003 06:18:25 PM
maybe it's from the prison. that's not how i see him, but i have faith in gary oldman to be a bad ass sirius. besides, as out of costume as alan rickman is, maybe he is too.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 165.121.35.88
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 07/24/2003 06:18:47 PM
I can see it working out. Sirius is supposed to be wasted and wild looking, and he'll be able to do that like crazy. I just wonder what they'll do for the bits where he is supposed to look hale and handsome?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Dymphna
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 195.182.168.59
URL: http://katemonkey.livejournal.com/
DATE: 07/25/2003 02:40:51 AM
Rawr. Suddenly Sirius is sex-ay again.

However, dude, watch out -- Leaky Cauldron had to remove the image 'cause los bros warner cracked down, and I'd hate for the wonders of b2 to suffer the same fate.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Dymphna
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 195.182.168.59
URL: http://katemonkey.livejournal.com/
DATE: 07/25/2003 02:42:25 AM
And, duh, you know 'bout the Warner crackdown, which is just me being stupid. again.

However, I would love a rant on PNGs and how half of the websites I seem to go to have decided that a 400k PNG title image = a good thing. No! Stop it! Now!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 165.121.35.88
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 07/25/2003 03:05:54 AM
Yeah, the pic had already been taken down from Leaky Cauldron when I got there, so I had to look elsewhere. I'll take it down tonight...anyone still interested in it can contact me directly.

Don't even get me started on PNGs! Someday everyone will be on broadband and all browsers will be perfectly PNG format compliant, but until then...no! Bad! Down!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.191.96.168
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 07/25/2003 05:57:05 PM
I'm on dial-up right now because I have no other options (too rural for high-speed), so I feel your pain.

 

Still Going
07/27/2003 10:20:50 AM

Sheesh, it's after 10 a.m. and I'm still frickin' wide awake! Well, if nothing else this ought to bolster my claim to the title of Hardest Working Man in Blog Business.

So, all in all it looks like this Blogathon wackiness has raised $321 for those Doctors Without Borders. About which I am totally stoked and grateful to everyone who pledged. I was thinking $100 was an unrealistic goal, so this just completely beat the shit out of my wildest expectations, then went to my expectations' houses and whaled on their families before burning their houses down. Basically this was one badass Blogathon.

Best part for me is, I kept my sanity more or less intact! I just got a little maudlin here and there, but what can I tell you. Love me, love my rank sentimentality.

Oy vey. At last the Zamboni of Sleep approaches, to resurface my consciousness with the shaving blades of dreams. Ciao babies....

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Buzz
EMAIL: dave@buzzstuff.net
IP: 68.81.53.126
URL: http://www.buzzstuff.net
DATE: 07/27/2003 11:11:43 AM
You, my friend, are an animal! Great job, by the way. You are an inspiration to us all!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 67.161.129.252
URL: http://www.rantorama.com/blogathon.php
DATE: 07/27/2003 12:13:35 PM
I love the zamboni of sleep! GO AV'S!

Sorry, just a reflex when the zamboni comes out!

I like it when you get maudlin! :-)

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/27/2003 01:03:07 PM
I'm with Mary... the zamboni rocks.

Go get some shut-eye. Remember: you still have four more Krispy Kreme doughnuts to plow through.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sarah
EMAIL: sarahmeyer@earthlink.net
IP: 66.214.72.94
URL: http://stretchyswede.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/27/2003 02:25:12 PM
If only it were an Olympic event...

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Dymphna
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 195.182.168.59
URL: http://katemonkey.livejournal.com/
DATE: 07/28/2003 03:19:29 AM
Oh man...the zamboni of sleep follows me everywhere...I'm at work, and I can hear its droning machinery! Back, zamboni! Back!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.190.41.88
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 07/28/2003 03:34:44 AM
Do not antagonize the Zamboni of Sleep.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.27.70.81
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 07/28/2003 09:46:34 PM
I wanna ride the zamboni, yes I do...

 

Time, Tide, and Dogs Who Need to Pee Wait for No Man
07/27/2003 01:49:01 PM

Grand unified field theory? Cure for cancer? HIV vaccine? Sure, sure, all well and good, but when will scientists begin work on the one issue that truly warrants research -- finding a way to make dogs use the toilet by themselves?

Anyway. Back to bed. But first: Google Fiction. Go now. You'll be glad you did. Just don't be drinking anything when you do, unless you want to be wiping if off your monitor.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sarah
EMAIL: sarahmeyer@earthlink.net
IP: 66.214.72.94
URL: http://stretchyswede.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/27/2003 02:31:22 PM
The "how deep a vagina is" one is the best.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.105
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 07/28/2003 09:58:26 AM
My dog wakes me up each morning at 4:00 a.m. for his morning peepee. He's had a few accidents in the house if I'm not able to get home in time to let him out, but at least he doesn't pee on my fridge like my ex used to do.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.208.171
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 07/28/2003 06:49:06 PM
Contrary to popular opinion, I think human males are a lot harder to housetrain than any dog.

 

Two Dollars!
07/29/2003 12:24:13 AM

Note to all Weirdsmobile Blogathon sponsors: Blogathon.org should be e-mailing you guys with information on fulfilling your pledges, but you can cut to the chase by going to the Doctors Without Borders donation page and either making an online donation or checking out their other options.

I'm grateful to everyone who pledged, even if it was only a couple of bucks -- every little bit helps and I was truly dumbfounded by the support! Even if you just dropped by the site and commented, thanks for help keeping my spirits up.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Allie
EMAIL: allie@analyze-this.us
IP: 148.78.243.24
URL: http://www.analyze-this.us
DATE: 07/29/2003 05:35:10 AM
I'm ashamed to say it, but what the heck, it's the truth. I could not for the life of me figure out how to go about donating during the blogathon. So, thanks to your link, I was able to go directly to the page and make my donation. Thanks! And furthermore, I think you did a great job blogathoning. Good show.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/29/2003 09:44:02 AM
Gotcha. Thanks!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B
EMAIL: bs_liang@hotmail.com
IP: 65.148.116.32
URL:
DATE: 07/30/2003 06:26:08 PM
two dollars? better off dead?

 

B² Solves the Medical Mysteries of the Ages
07/29/2003 10:55:46 PM

Researchers: Contagious Yawning is Real Phenomenon. Well, duh! But it's interesting that the more self-aware or empathetic you are, the more easily you catch people's yawns. Sounds like a good asshole test.

But the most interesting thing is that scientists still don't know why we yawn. The theory used to be that it happens when your brain is running low on oxygen, but they've disproved this. Now they're saying it might be a way to keep the brain aroused when you're trying to stay awake. Nice theory, but I dunno. I've never found that yawning helped perk me up when I was sleepy.

Here's what I think is the real answer, and I want it on record, dammit, so in 10 years when some egghead in Norway comes up with the same thing, I'd better get a piece of the Nobel.

I think yawning is actually a way to keep your eyes moist by stimulating the tear glands. I discovered this after I started wearing contact lenses -- when my eyes would get dry, I found that I would start yawning every few minutes to get some tear action going. At night or when we're sleepy, our eyes tend to become drier as our bodies start the sleep process, so when we're trying to stay awake, it means we're holding our eyelids open despite the fact that our bodies are already shutting down for the night. Thus, the eyes become dry, and the yawning commences.

This is also why we yawn when we're listening to a boring lecture. Once again we're holding our eyelids open against their will, which creates the dryness and stimulates the yawning reflex to keep them moist.

Doesn't this make sense? Of course it does! So the next time someone wonders why people yawn, just give 'em the straight dope Unca B² is dishing out to you here.

Case closed! Now on to that cure for cancer....

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Buzz
EMAIL: dave@buzzstuff.net
IP: 68.81.53.126
URL: http://www.buzzstuff.net
DATE: 07/30/2003 02:48:32 AM
Hey, that makes perfect sense! I just sent in my Nobel vote. My money's on you this year! See you in Stockholm (or wherever it is they give those damn things out).

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 07/30/2003 04:01:24 AM
Interesting, but I see one hole: Why do we yawn when we first wake up from sleeping? Shouldn't our eyes be plenty moist from being closed for hours?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: hannah
EMAIL: hannahw@med.umich.edu
IP: 141.214.17.5
URL:
DATE: 07/30/2003 05:58:45 AM
Jim, I think it might be because our eyes need to water extra to wash out all that gunk. I think B might be on to something because I noticed I was yawning fierce at the gym the other day, WHILE exercising. And there's no good reason for that unless it was to replace moisture levels in my body that were being depleted by sweating? But why would that be contatious??

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: bunnieskill333@aol.com
IP: 64.252.17.14
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 07/30/2003 06:34:32 AM
Hey, I /did/ start yawning more when I started wearing contacts! Now I yawn all the time. I'm going to see if it correlates with dryness in my eyes.

Hey, I once read that you can gauge who's attracted to you in a crowded room, like a classroom, by faking a yawn. People who are acutely aware of you will yawn too!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sarah
EMAIL: sarahmeyer@earthlink.net
IP: 66.215.62.248
URL: http://stretchyswede.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/30/2003 08:09:41 AM
When I wear my hard contacts, they get very dry and I can't stop yawning, it's true.

Keely, i am so going to try the yawn test!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Scott
EMAIL: volume22@email.com
IP: 205.161.155.2
URL: http://volume22.blogsot.com/
DATE: 07/30/2003 09:03:58 AM
Highly interesting, B, but does it explain why cats will yawn in each other's faces when one thinks the other is too close? When I had a cat I noticed she would yawn widely if I put my face an inch or so from her's. Once I yawned back at her and she took a swipe at me.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/30/2003 09:36:20 AM
I've also wondered why I tend to yawn during a workout... that makes perfect sense, B!

And can't cats lick their own eyeballs or something? That would free up the yawns for defensive purposes.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.120.218.66
URL: http://honestyonly.diaryland.com
DATE: 07/30/2003 09:36:44 AM
Maybe we just yawn because our lung muscles need to stretch. Kind of like when you've been sitting in one place for a long time and need to stretch your arms and legs.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.96.185
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 07/30/2003 11:09:52 AM
I think the "yawning upon waking up" phenomenon actually supports my theory, since my assertion is that the tear ducts go into "standby" when we're asleep. Since our eyes are closed the whole time, we don't need so many tears since the eyes aren't drying out so much. When we wake up, the first thing that happens is that we need to kick the tear glands back into "wake" mode -- hence the yawns. Voila!

As for the cat yawning...please, people, one species at a time! My next project after the cancer cure will be to figure out what's the deal with the purring. Thank you.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.93
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 07/30/2003 11:55:44 AM
Wow...sounds pretty plausible to moi. I find that I yawn a lot though when I'm nervous or anticipating something. I also yawn at the thought of yawning. See...there I go again. Oh and my eyes do feel much more moist! So when do you get your Nobel prize? And after you've cracked the mystery of the cat's purr, can you start working on why my dog thinks the appropriate time to lick his boys is right in the middle of when I have company over? Danka! :)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/30/2003 12:55:04 PM
Gah. I supressed about twelve yawns whilst reading this post and the comments (supressed because I got my wisdom teeth out a week ago, and opening my jaw more than an inch or so hurts like a mofo). I must be verrrrry empathetic.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.201.249
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 07/30/2003 03:29:26 PM
I've heard (and believed) that the reason why we yawn is to stretch our faces. It's hard to recall a time when I've yawned when my face hasn't been semi-frozen in some dull expression. Maybe seeing other people yawn just kicks that instinct into overdrive?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: kim
EMAIL: kss358s@smsu.edu
IP: 67.200.200.46
URL: http://www.kimberlysue.blogs
pot.com
DATE: 07/31/2003 01:55:35 AM i love your theory!! check out the big brain on you! just stumbled across your site....too funny!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: serenity
EMAIL: serenity@serenitysjournal.com
IP: 66.54.1.38
URL: http://www.serenitysjournal.com
DATE: 07/31/2003 12:54:41 PM
Stunned! Stunned I tell you! I knew you were funny but smart as well?

I think you are absolutely correct and should be given thousands upon thousands upon thousands of grant money to pretend to research this...and in 5 years, hand in this conclusion.

 

Monster Fiction Rally!
07/31/2003 03:36:27 AM



Back by popular demand... Introducing the August 2003 Fiction Slam! The rules are simple: write a short story of 1000 words or less, based on the photo below. Once all the entries are in, vote for your favorite story.

Formatting rule: Send entries in body of e-mail ONLY. No Word docs, etc. please. Use HTML tags for text formatting.

This month's deadline: August 31st

Fiction Slam Photo for August 2003:



Send Your Entry

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Dymphna
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 195.182.168.59
URL: http://katemonkey.livejournal.com/
DATE: 07/31/2003 08:26:13 AM
Sweeeeet!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/31/2003 08:36:09 AM
Oooh! This will be interesting...

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 07/31/2003 11:20:50 AM
Is that Keifer Southerland?

Or... his dad?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.191.96.205
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 07/31/2003 04:07:56 PM
Hee! Popular demand.

That photo is creepy! Reminds me of "The Crate" from Creepshow.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: bakiwop
EMAIL: thereisno@email.com
IP: 68.114.242.91
URL:
DATE: 08/01/2003 07:27:26 AM
looking forward to it!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/01/2003 11:52:13 AM
Hey, and is that Billy Shakespeare with the wicked right hook?

I knew that kid was gonna go places.

 

Shit Just Got Real
08/01/2003 11:41:06 AM

So, yesterday I finally got off my ass long enough to go check out Bad Boys II. Or should I say...Bad "Fucking A" Boys II. Yes, this movie has earned a coveted "Fucking A" title, having passed my "Fucking A" Movie Checklist with flying colors:

[X] Renegade cops who won't play by the rules

[X] Exasperated police captain who yells a lot but is secretly impressed by the renegade cops' heroism

[X] Stuff blowing up real good

[X] Boobs

[X] Sleazy pseudo-lesbians

[X] Sleazy pseudo-Eurofags

[X] Carnage that makes the first 20 minutes of Saving Private Ryan look like the last 10 minutes of Dr. Doolittle 2

[X] Plot manages to be incomprehensible and simple-minded at the same time

[X] The John Woo Effect (hero flying sideways through air while blasting away with twin automatic pistols)

[X] Cool he-man dialogue such as "We ride together, we die together"

[X] Henry Rollins

[X] Cops portrayed as oiled-up pro wrestlers in designer suits instead of paunchy middle-aged men in sport jackets

[X] Ratio of innocent civilians vs. bad guys killed approximately 15:1

[X] When people do stuff on computers, it looks cool and stuff happens instantaneously and without crashing even though they're using shitass Dell Windoze PCs

[X] Drug abuse, wanton murder portrayed as irresponsible, vile behaviors that only good looking, cool people with awesome guns, lots of money and freely available casual sex partners would indulge in

[ ] Alan Thicke

Despite the absence of Alan Thicke, I have to agree with Estella that Bad "Fucking A" Boys II may in fact be the best movie ever made. At first I was a little dubious. I mean, this is the kind of movie in which the bad guys, going after a Suburban that's speeding away from them at like 100 mph, decide to use a big rig pulling a trailer carrying about 10 cars as their chase vehicle.

But you know, after five minutes or so, my brain softened like cream cheese after 30 seconds in the microwave, and I started getting into this shit. And the first time a taxicab flew 100 feet and crashed into somebody's front windshield, I had to admit, yeah, this is why they invented movies.

Most people think of Michael Bay as the Antichrist, but after seeing Bad "Fucking A" Boys II, I would say that, in fact, he is a goddamn underrated genius. The thing I realized is that he is basically the American John Woo. Like John Woo, Bay creates these monstrous bullet ballets that are more choreographed than directed. He uses violence the way Monet used watercolors.

The difference between Woo and Bay is that Woo makes (or used to make, before he went insane and started churning out Hollywood crap) Hong Kong flicks, which are okay for film critics to adore even though they're cheesy and dumb, whereas Bay makes cheesy, dumb American flicks, which film critics are required to hate because they lack subtitles.

But you know what, screw the analysis -- just see Bad "Fucking A" Boys II. It blows up real good.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/01/2003 02:41:23 PM
I told you.

And "shitass" is now my new favorite word.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.97.162
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 08/01/2003 03:09:10 PM
You weren't kidding! And I actually choked up a little bit at the "We ride together, we die together" line.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.1.82
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 08/02/2003 06:08:38 PM
It really was a good time. Like Grand Theft Auto: Vice City come to life! Without the chainsaw and flame thrower though...dammit.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.64.8
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 08/03/2003 04:26:09 AM
That's so funny, because I was thinking the same thing! (Except with Grand Theft Auto III since I don't have Vice City...yet.) As the movie played, I kept going "Hey, there's the Portland Docks! There's Staunton Island! Oooh, now they're starting the Yardies mission!" I mean, let's face it, the non-action sequences are basically just cutscenes.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.209.31
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 08/04/2003 09:08:00 PM
Favorite quote: "Hey...those aren't gang bangers!"

 

Instant Karma
08/02/2003 03:38:42 AM

You know...if you're the kind of inconsiderate jackass who parks his phallus replacement therapy pickup truck diagonally across two spaces in a crowded parking lot because you don't want to get your precious paint job dinged, you've got to realize that you are simply begging, pleading, screaming out to have said truck keyed.

You have to know that.

I mean, come on. Would it actually surprise you to come back and find, say, a long wavy scratch across the passenger side of the truck? Because it really shouldn't, you know.

I'm not saying I did this, you understand. Vandalism is bad, mmkay? I'm just, you know, saying.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 67.161.129.252
URL: http://www.rantorama.com/blogathon.php
DATE: 08/02/2003 07:22:39 AM
I hope you did it!


Then again, I bought a brand new truck and it got keyed the first week I had it. Down to the metal. I thought I parked it pretty well, but apparently someone thought I still had a bit to learn about parking a huge vehicle in a parking garage.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Buzz
EMAIL: dave@buzzstuff.net
IP: 68.81.53.126
URL: http://www.buzzstuff.net
DATE: 08/02/2003 09:09:51 AM
Word to that, brutha!

(Wow! I'm, like, totally ghetto today, yo!)

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.168.64.204
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 08/02/2003 09:32:37 AM
Keying cars? =)

Now I know what the other B stands for... badass.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/02/2003 09:53:31 AM
An old roommate of mine (the one in my reunion post, actually) had little cards printed up that read things like, "This parking lot is for EVERYONE, not just YOU." She'd leave them under windsheild wipers. My favorite was the little card that read, "You've just said something that I consider to be offensive. Please take note of feelings of the people around you." She would hand those to people! AT WORK. It's a wonder I didn't kill her.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Miel
EMAIL: happymiel@yahoo.com
IP: 166.70.179.53
URL: http://www.faeriemiel.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/02/2003 10:20:39 AM
'phallus replacement therapy'?!!! *chortle*

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.96.153
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 08/02/2003 12:51:07 PM
Mary: Now that sucks. I hate people who key new cars just out of spite, or when it's obvious you at least tried to park normally. It's the jizzbags who deliberately park like shit out of pure assholism who deserve to have their cars defaced beyond recognition! It's key-happy bastards like that who give a bad name to the rest of us. I mean them.

Estella: The card idea is hilarious. The only thing wrong with it is that it's too easy to take the card and contemptuously toss it over your shoulder, thus creating pollution and giving the asshole a chance to be all "Sheyah, whatever!"

What I'm going to be doing in the future is printing up some stickers with witty sayings on them, like "Learn to park, you fucking ass monkey," and smack them onto offending cars. That way everyone else gets a good laugh, and the ass monkey in question has to actually hunker down and spend a couple of minutes scraping the thing off, looking foolish in the process. I think that would provide the needed effect without creating any actual auto property damage, which kinda goes against my code.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/02/2003 01:25:28 PM
You really ARE a rock star.


-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.175.45.144
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 08/02/2003 02:03:00 PM
Oh, my God, B! That's brilliant!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.96.153
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 08/02/2003 02:05:50 PM
I can't remember the URL offhand, but there's that website where they have anti-SUV bumper stickers you can print out and put on SUVs...I love that!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/02/2003 03:40:47 PM
Of course, had you been truly badass, you would have slashed the tires and spraypainted DIE FUCKTARD on the windshield! Now that's "Fucking A"!!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.194.183.231
URL:
DATE: 08/02/2003 03:56:23 PM
That's right, "sharing is caring" people... Oh how I love the smell of Schadenfreude in the air! ;-)

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 68.105.65.171
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 08/02/2003 04:10:42 PM
Hah! Man I hate that. That happens to me all the time I go shopping. Like I have some kind of Block-My-Driver's-Side-Door-Ya-PeePee-Head radar going on or something. Most of the time the guys driving these trucks need a ladder to get in and out. Def overcompensating for the small weenie department I say.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL:
DATE: 08/02/2003 04:50:50 PM
B-man, if you do the sticker idea, make sure you check out adhesives. I work at an industrial printing plant and we use a lot of different adhesives. Many of them can only be removed with strong solvent -- which would also remove the paint on the automobile.

And I can mail you scraps. (it's laminating adhesive, not glue, so it's dry and comes in sheets.)

Just because I think you are a GENIUS.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.1.82
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 08/02/2003 06:07:28 PM
Schadenfreude.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.64.8
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com
DATE: 08/03/2003 04:41:50 AM
I was just gonna use standard Avery inket printer labels. That won't do any lasting harm, will it?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL:
DATE: 08/03/2003 08:48:33 AM
Probably not. But, if you really want to be considerate -- and maybe get away with it longer -- stick it on the window. And use the large shipping lables (Exposure to UV and/or water will kill them witin a few weeks anyway).

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.25.251.83
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 08/03/2003 01:09:43 PM
This kind of stuff pisses me off all the time. What I think I need is a stack of "Nice parking job, asshole" flyers to put on people's windshields when this happens.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.120.218.66
URL: http://theshakedown.diaryland.com
DATE: 08/04/2003 12:02:57 PM
B² - you are a genius.

 

Fra-Gee-Lay! Must Be Italian!
08/03/2003 04:16:40 AM

Best news I've heard all week: they're finally putting out a decent version of A Christmas Story on DVD! We're talking 2-disc special edition here. Man, that rocks like...uh, something that rocks really hard.

There's a version out already, but it's a shitass fullscreen version with no extras. This one'll have both widescreen and fullscreen (why???) versions, a director/cast commentary, and a bunch of other kool krap. I feel like Ralphie on Christmas morning when he's all bummed because of not getting a Red Ryder BB gun, and then he finds out he did get one after all. Bonus!!

I won't put my eye out with it, although I might burn them out from watching this awesome !@#$@!#% movie 10,000 times.

Other quotes I wanted to title this entry with:

"Daddy's gonna kill Ralphie!"

"In the heat of battle my father wove a tapestry of profanity which to this day is still hovering somewhere over Lake Michigan."

"FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUDGE!"

"Only one thing in the world could've dragged me away from the soft glow of electric sex gleaming in the window."

And of course:

"You'll shoot your eye out, kid!"

Also, I apologize for earlier calling Bad "Fucking A" Boys II the best movie ever made. A Christmas Story beats it by a mile, sorry Estella! Man, just thinking about it puts me in a holiday mood. I think I'll send everyone Christmas cards early this year, like next week.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Allie
EMAIL: allie@analyze-this.us
IP: 148.78.243.24
URL: http://www.analyze-this.us
DATE: 08/03/2003 06:25:12 AM
Oooh, DVD! I got one of those fangled dangled DVD/Burner thingies for Christmas last year. I think I'll set it up one day really soon.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Empress
EMAIL: jclpat@buzzstuff.net
IP: 68.81.53.126
URL: http://empress.buzzstuff.net
DATE: 08/03/2003 07:20:47 AM
Awesome movie!!

Bumpusessssss!!!
(You know, the neighbors with the dogs?)

There are so many great scenes. Schwartz with his tongue stuck to the flagpole, Ralphie's little brother laying on the ground in the snow trying to avoid detection by the bully, Ralphie beating the crap out of the bully, the scene in the Chinese restaurant on Christmas with the waiters singing Deck the Halls, the bunny feet on the pajamas.

OK - time to stop now! Love it - absolutely love it!!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.64.8
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/03/2003 07:59:02 AM
Fa ra ra ra ra, ra ra ra ra!

I love all of Ralphie's dad's cursing. Also the whole soap taste comparison. There are so many cool little goofy moments in that movie. Remember the kid in the aviator goggles? Where did that even come from?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 67.161.129.252
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 08/03/2003 08:02:07 AM
I love that movie!

Dad: "Son, what brought you to this terrible state?" (after finding out Ralphie was blind)

Ralphie: "It was ...
S O A P . . . P O I S O N I N G!"

Hee!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Candi
EMAIL: candi@smartass.nu
IP: 24.124.24.157
URL:
DATE: 08/03/2003 08:05:45 AM
That's awesome. Yep, definitely the best movie ever made.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.64.8
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/03/2003 08:13:52 AM
As great as the movie was, it wouldn't have been the same without Peter Billingsley as Ralphie. That kid was so hilarious -- the biggest laughs for me are just those shots of him looking all glazed-eyed ecstatic as he dreams of his Red Ryder 200-shot air rifle with a compass in the stock!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sarah
EMAIL: sarahmeyer@earthlink.net
IP: 24.205.251.39
URL: http://stretchyswede.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/03/2003 11:49:25 AM
I like how there's no going against a "triple dog dare".

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.194.85.102
URL:
DATE: 08/03/2003 12:21:06 PM
"the soft glow of electric sex"...

*grin*

life is good.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.130.96
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 08/03/2003 01:44:56 PM
as a kid, i got a big thrill knowing that movie took place in indiana. sad thing is (good thing maybe?), we hoosiers haven't changed too much.

p.s. i'm putting a leg lamp on my christmas list.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Miel
EMAIL: happymiel@yahoo.com
IP: 166.70.179.53
URL: http://www.faeriemiel.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/03/2003 06:08:40 PM
I loved the `momma's little piggy' scene. Heh

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/03/2003 06:30:59 PM
But... there's no mass-marketing or blatant urban stereotypes or... or... any crashing.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jima
EMAIL: jima@legnog.com
IP: 68.21.0.166
URL: http://www.empty-handed.com
DATE: 08/03/2003 06:32:22 PM
"Be sure to... drink your Ovaltine?"

A crummy commercial?

Son of a bitch!

The DVD package will hopefully include updates on the cast. I want to know how they'll handle the update on the kid who played Flick, who had a bit of a porno career in the 1990s. You'll shoot your eye out, indeed.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike
EMAIL: mike@whybark.com
IP: 216.173.212.237
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 08/03/2003 07:56:39 PM
Christmas Story fans may be interested to know that there is much, much, MUCH more where that come from.

The author of the movie - and the actual voice you hear narrating it - is the great radio personality Jean Shepherd, who had a long, long career as an overnight host on a New York area radio station, WOR.

His career is really, quite frankly, amazing, and some of the antics he encouraged his listeners to engage in defy belief.

This is a comprehensive fan site: http://www.flicklives.com/

There are many recordings of his radio shows, and thy are easy to find; I didn't dig too hard on the "flick lives" site, but it wouldn't surprise me if they have streamers all qued up and waiting for ya.

here's another site:

http://www.keyflux.com/shep/

they guy was- or is, I forget if he's moved on or not - freaking brilliant. -----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B
EMAIL: bs_liang@hotmail.com
IP: 65.138.113.147
URL:
DATE: 08/03/2003 10:41:33 PM
chelsea dislikes widescreen.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jima
EMAIL: jima@legnog.com
IP: 207.7.7.214
URL: http://www.empty-handed.com
DATE: 08/04/2003 08:21:57 AM
Shep has moved on. A good reminiscence of his radio career can be found at this article on radio station WFMU's Website:

http://www.wfmu.org/LCD/25/shep.html

They also played a bunch of old Shep programs last year on "Aircheck," their summer show of historical radio programs. They're having trouble with their archived shows right now, but when they're put back online again, they'll be here:

http://www.wfmu.org/playlists/AC

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.26
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 08/04/2003 09:59:11 AM
OMG! I was just at ComiCon a few weeks ago and saw the leg table lamp at one of the booths. I so almost baught one just because. But the fact that just spent the last of my spending dough buying Ash and Evil Ash dolls, well damn. I just might try and find that leg lamp online somewheres. It would look so fly on my computer desk. Anyways just wanted to make a comment that I've always thought "A Christmas Story" paved the way for "The Wonder Years." I'm still looking for a mall that will push kids (& grownups) down a huge slide after talking with Santa.

 

Slam!
08/03/2003 04:53:30 AM



So far, two people have sent in their Fiction Slam entries. Awesome. Send yours in today!

(By the way, Estella: yep, that's Will "2 Power" Shakespeare up there giving some poor fool -- Ben Jonson, maybe? -- an Elizabethan-style beatdown. It's a little-known fact that Shakespeare, in addition to being a master playwright, was also a pugilist of the first order. In fact, the fight scene at the end of Hamlet is directly inspired by the Shakester's championship bout with "Luda" Chris Marlowe in 1601. No joke. Well, yeah, joke.)

And because I can't get enough of this month's Slam Photo, here it is again:

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 67.161.129.252
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 08/03/2003 07:59:47 AM
I'm intimidated! I can't compete with the humor and intelligence of your other readers. And besides, that picture weirds me out.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.64.8
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/03/2003 08:10:13 AM
Mm hmm. Buttering up the voters already, eh Mary? ;)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/03/2003 06:28:43 PM
I'm trying to write something that DOESN'T incorporate Keifer Southerland.

And remind me never to play pool, craps or horseshoes with Mary.

Ringer.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 67.161.129.252
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 08/04/2003 04:26:44 AM
Hey, I'm not even submitting a story!

Estella, I suck at pool, craps and horseshoes. But I used to kick some serious ass playing quarters! ;-)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.209.31
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 08/04/2003 09:06:48 PM
Now I feel like a slacker, not having started (and being the popular demand and all). This photo conjurs up so many ideas, all of them so very, very wrong.

 

Random Acts of Weirdness
08/05/2003 04:49:09 AM

If there's one thing I love, it's screwing with people's heads. They don't have to be people I know, hence this website. I don't even have to be there to see the "what the fuck?" expression on their faces. Just knowing it's there is enough for me.

For instance, I just finished my latest, most draconian round of decluttering yet (my entire Charles Bukowski collection and my collection of out-of-print Harlan Ellison paperbacks), and one of the casualties was a real, bonafide L.A. Times from November 23rd, 1963. That's right -- the morning edition the day after John F. Kennedy's assassination, complete with gigantic "KENNEDY ASSASSINATED" headline.

The sordid tale of how I got hold of it originally I'll save for another day. Point is, I've been lugging this thing around with me for the past 20 years, for no other reason than that it's a historical artifact. Well, I just don't care about that stuff anymore. I've pared my keepsakes down to a couple of yearbooks and a box of letters that I'm going to return to their owner as soon as he hikes his sorry ass up here one of these days. Everything I own right now would fit in my car, especially after tonight. But again, that's another story.

Okay, so here's the thing. I was wondering what to do with this paper, because it's too tattered to be of any use as, say, a library donation or to sell to a collector. These things are uncommon, but they're not that rare. It's in crap condition so it's not much of an archival item.

What I ended up doing was, just now, I snuck over to my neighbor's apartment and nabbed his morning paper, then wrapped it inside this Kennedy paper and replaced it on his doorstep. Hehe! Can you imagine his frickin' face in a few hours when he gets his paper and it's an issue from 1963? HA HA HA HA!!!

I really amuse myself sometimes.

Apologies to packrats and history buffs everywhere. This is sacrilege, I know. If I had 1902 U.S. dollars I'd probably leave them as tips in restaurants. But it's so worth it.

Top o' the morning to ye, me wee bairns.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 67.161.129.252
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 08/05/2003 05:05:58 AM
HAHAHA! Oh my GOD that is one hell of a good practical joke!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: bunnieskill333@aol.com
IP: 64.252.17.14
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 08/05/2003 06:17:26 AM
If he comes over to tell you about it, you should dress up in 1960s fashions and insist that it's 1963. Also, be blown away by the news.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.73.214
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/05/2003 06:23:09 AM
Geez, even my pranks are retro. Maybe I need to find a new schtick!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: bunnieskill333@aol.com
IP: 64.252.17.14
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 08/05/2003 07:51:12 AM
No way! That's hilarious! Do you know him well enough that he'll bring it up?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.176.73.214
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/05/2003 08:03:23 AM
I've only ever seen him in passing. Seems like a nice enough fella, though. I couldn't possibly get away with this with anyone I actually knew!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BeerMary
EMAIL: mary@NOSPAMrantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 08/05/2003 09:56:42 AM
See, that's how to pull a practical joke. It's not mean or cruel, no one gets hurt or embarassed. It's just FUNNY.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: chinh
EMAIL: chinh@chinh.org
IP: 69.22.9.121
URL: http://www.chinh.org
DATE: 08/05/2003 10:12:11 AM
hehe...

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/05/2003 10:28:22 AM
I wish I'd read this yesterday! I was looking for a good practical joke to pull on my neighbors... I just opted for setting their car on fire.

I like yours way better. It's not as smoky.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.44
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 08/05/2003 10:30:27 AM
That is totally hilarious! I'm not a good practical joke thinker upper. Well but then there was this one time where I played a good one on our Web Master here at work. I copied his desktop and set it as his background, then got rid of his usual icons for his desktop. So when he rebooted the next day, he was trying to figure out the whole day why his icons weren't working. Haha! He even even called the Help Desk and they spent 8 hours working on it. They finally told him to check the properties of his desk top and he found it was set to a file called AprilsFool! Anyways, that's my one and only claim to practical joke fame. :)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 08/05/2003 10:32:23 AM
Well-played! I can't think of a better use for an old newspaper. It would've been even cooler if you used it the morning after Bush got shot, though.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BeerMary
EMAIL: mary@NOSPAMrantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 08/05/2003 11:05:32 AM
GrooveBunny, you're a genius!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Scott
EMAIL: volume22@email.com
IP: 205.161.153.201
URL: http://volume22.blogspot.com/
DATE: 08/05/2003 11:13:54 AM
Did I understand you to say that you got rid of all your Bukowski books? Ye gods. But then I donated six or seven Jim Thompson novels and a biography to Goodwill because I was sick of them, so I shouldn't act shocked.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.208.3
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 08/05/2003 03:08:47 PM
That's hysterical. If I were him, I probably wouldn't know whether to laugh or worry about my state of mind.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Stephanie
EMAIL: steppy@petisa.net
IP: 24.242.253.80
URL: http://petisa.net
DATE: 08/05/2003 05:49:12 PM
I wanna see the faces of the people you prank..

and I don't want to have to be looking in a mirror to see it. =|

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: bunnieskill333@aol.com
IP: 209.36.27.8
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 08/05/2003 06:18:47 PM
"Top o' the morning to ye, me wee bairns."

Is it me, or did this say "wee brains" this morning?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.150.191.120
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 08/05/2003 09:51:00 PM
So great! If I got a 1963 newspaper at my front door instead, I'd probably assume that the paper was pulling some weird stunt and then be extremely weirded out when I finally realized that I was the only one who got it.

And I am dying to try out GrooveBunny's prank... mwa ha ha.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.25.244.239
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 08/05/2003 11:42:46 PM
Dude, you're nuts! I command you to go back to your neighbor and get that collector's item back! Or at least send it to me as a gift....

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Dymphna
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 195.182.168.59
URL: http://katemonkey.livejournal.com/
DATE: 08/06/2003 02:07:00 AM
*snerrrrrrrrrk*

That's class. I'm almost jealous of your neighbor now.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: The Sarcastic Journalist
EMAIL: sarcasticjournalist@hotmail.com
IP: 67.240.97.169
URL: http://beardog.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/08/2003 03:35:03 PM
thats soo good, I wish I thought of it myself. My great grandpa actually had a copy of that same paper--ok, well it wasn't from LA-- it was from Dallas-- and I wanted it.

I was too scared to ass my mean ass "You're killing your mother you horrible excuse for a grandaughter" grandma...but backed out.

Oh, the fun I could have had. And it was in good shape, too. lets see if she gets a christmas card from me...(she insulted last year's card.)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 67.75.17.12
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com/weblog
DATE: 08/08/2003 10:20:31 PM
I think it's funnier if you exchange their newspaper with a live tarantula. Then later, you all have a good giggle and a high-five over a Caramel Macchiato.

Or not. Whatever.

 

Du Ist Haben Einen Traum
08/11/2003 03:38:58 PM

Last night I had a dream that I posted an entry to this weblog. Unfortunately, I can't actually post that entry, because I've completely forgotten what it was. So all I can post is an entry about how I dreamed about posting an entry.

The only thing I do remember from the dream is that I was in high school with the supporting cast of "American Pie" (not the stars -- the extras, which probably says something about me I'd rather not think about), and I was arrested, supposedly for "sedition," although in reality I suspected it was for an illegal U-turn.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled lack of content.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Davezilla
EMAIL: davel@davezilla.com
IP: 68.61.99.176
URL: http://www.davezilla.com
DATE: 08/11/2003 04:03:05 PM
Well, at least you didn't glue your monitor to yourself.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B
EMAIL: bs_liang@hotmail.com
IP: 65.148.123.15
URL:
DATE: 08/11/2003 04:12:33 PM
hey b, i tried to stay up but since i had only 6 hours i fell went to sleep early. like... i felt i have written this before.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ed
EMAIL: ed@edrants.com
IP: 12.99.104.155
URL: http://www.edrants.com
DATE: 08/11/2003 04:28:39 PM
Only Oliver Stone can make an illegal U-turn.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 67.106.83.29
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 08/11/2003 05:10:18 PM
So this entry is "just a tribute" to the entry you dreamed about. That's both Tenacious D-like *and* Escherian at the same time.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.191.193.113
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/11/2003 06:37:31 PM

Yeah, so now we're discussing an entry that, in a sense, doesn't exist!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.145.30.20
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 08/11/2003 08:33:04 PM
Maybe tonight I'll dream that I'm reading your blog so I can see what it was... =)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: bakiwop
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 68.114.242.91
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 08/12/2003 08:07:23 AM
having received my ba in psych i can safely say that your dream was about your lack of posting, your desire to post, and your fear of what will happen when you do not post.

the dream of posting is driven by your ego which is trying to balance your id (the instinctual desire to post) and your superego (feeling bad about not posting). your superego is what caused the policeman part of your dream, although realizing that you weren't being arrested for what you thought you were being arrested for shows that you feel a little, but not too, guilty about not posting. the whole "supporting cast" thing was driven by your id which heavily involved the human instinctual desire to belong and be a part of something, since you aren't doing what you feel is your part to be a part of the community you involved yourself in you feel like more of a supporting character than a main character.

finally, your lack of cigars and other phallic symbols means that you need more cigars and other phallic symbols in your dreams.

or something

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/12/2003 12:31:47 PM
Once my brother had a dream that basically followed the plot of the Star Wars movies except that all the characters were played by sticks of butter- Land o' Lakes for the rebels and Imperial brand for the Empire.

Needless to say, my brother kicks ass.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jane
EMAIL: shiznit@social-reject.com
IP: 24.205.105.251
URL: http://www.social-reject.com
DATE: 08/12/2003 12:49:11 PM
At least your dreams are tame. I dream about tornadoes bearing down on me and plane crashes and shit. Probably indicative of my inner emotional turmoil or something.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 66.237.70.170
URL:
DATE: 08/12/2003 01:46:31 PM
You do not want to believe (You are sleeping)... la la la la la la laaaa laa.... Rubber Ring

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL:
DATE: 08/12/2003 06:38:31 PM
I dream mundanely, or inexplicably, or about tornados (one I dreamed about a tornado made of bees. THAT was exciting). The other night I dreamed I had to take a calculus test and I'd never taken a calculus class. No, I mean, I REALLY have never taken one. And I wasn't phased about handing in a blank test with a sort of "Why the hell are you giving me this test?" look.

So there.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 08/12/2003 08:02:27 PM
I had a dream I was in a concrete cornfield being chased by scarecrows with button eyes and carrot noses. Then I woke up and realized I was still in Ohio. Thank God for nonstop flights.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Miel
EMAIL: la@la.com
IP: 166.70.179.53
URL: http://www.faeriemiel.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/13/2003 10:39:56 AM
Heh. The comments here are always as good as the actual blog entries.

 

Coffee's For Closers
08/14/2003 02:46:48 AM

My apologies to everyone I owe communication in some form or another to. I'm not ignoring you -- I'm hiding from you! Unfortunately, I'm still up to my alarmingly graying hairline in crap this week, but the end is in sight. I'm just a little overwhelmed right now, and I'm a lousy multitasker, so if you're waiting for an e-mail or site design info from me, please bear with me a little longer.

In the meantime...lest ye forget...





Send it in!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.9.189
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 08/14/2003 10:13:25 PM
Now that I'm done with summer school I will start working on it!

 

L'Chaim!
08/15/2003 03:58:52 AM

Angela asks (in the comments of an unrelated entry on this weblog, in response to a comment I posted on her weblog -- which, if I may say, strikes me as sort of perverse):

"I've been a lot happier since I figured out what was really important and fulfilling to me out of life and just focused on that." - And what would THAT be? I'm sure it's different for everyone, but I am curious.

Here's a sampler pack of reasons why Unca B² maintains his often slippery grip on this wacked-out shit weasel we call life:

• Writing my novel, which was going to be the Great American Novel back when I was a cocky youth, but at this point I'll settle for the Okay American Novelization;

• In my capacity as Agent of Karma for South Snohomish County, Washington, delivering righteous punishment to evildoers, asshats, fucktards, dimwits and buttmonkeys throughout the Greater Seattle area;

• Once every few years, actually saying something witty to someone at the time that I'm talking to them instead of thinking of it ten minutes later;

• Season Four, Episode Ten of Buffy;

• A slice of amazing whole wheat bread that cost 89 cents at Fred Meyer (yet tastes better than the fancy ass $2.99 bread I bought last week), toasted and smeared with some ineffable peach preserves sent to me by the funk queen of the galaxy;

• Making someone laugh out loud, or at least fucking with their head in ways they'll be thinking about on their deathbed;

• "Birthday Cake" by Cibo Matto;

• Scarecrow Video, one of the two things I would miss about this town;

• That magic moment when you're talking to someone you just met about some random topic, and you suddenly realize that they get it;

• The King County Library System, the second thing I would miss about this town;

• In the words of the great Lloyd Dobler in Say Anything: "I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed";

• Making sweet love to a fine woman, or failing that, glancing furtively at her from the Self Help section at Borders;

• Living long enough to see the end of both the Star Wars movies and Stephen King's Dark Tower series (both of which are happening in 2004, so I guess I just need to cling to life for a few more months);

• Watching The Big Lebowski and Raising Arizona obsessively, and quoting lines from those movies to the point of alienating everyone around me;

• The prospect of outliving Newt Gingrich and peeing on his grave;

• Taking a long walk with my special lady...bringing her home and cuddling her in my arms all evening...then throwing her favorite squeaky toy around for a half hour before giving her a biscuit and taking her out for a final poop before bed;

• The idea that I might actually be starting to figure out what it is I'm supposed to be doing on this planet.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Empress
EMAIL: jclpat@buzzstuff.net
IP: 63.103.206.10
URL: http://empress.buzzstuff.net
DATE: 08/15/2003 04:56:48 AM
Good list! I can't wait to read your novel.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 67.161.129.252
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 08/15/2003 05:15:37 AM
1) "Whacked out shit-weasel" is the best, most accurate, and most concise descritpion of life I've ever heard!

2) Don't forget the little people when you're a famous writer. I want an autographed copy of the novel! You are going to make Sedaris look like an amateur!

3) I'm glad there is SOMEONE out there punishing evildoers, even if you are only punishing in the Seattle metro area!

4) I've never seen that episode of Buffy. I was a late convert, but I already have every DVD available of Buffy in my queue on Netflix. Spike makes me feel tingly in my naughty places! Either that, or I'm using too much detergent when laundering my lingerie.

5) Glad the preserves were decent. I was worried!

6) You make me laugh out loud every day you bother to make an entry here, or stop by my blog!

7) This is what I consider the very best thing that happens in life ever: "That magic moment when you're talking to someone you just met about some random topic, and you suddenly realize that they get it"

8) I love Raising Arizona, and have never seen the Big Lebowski, but now I'll have to.

9)I have a red dress picked out for DANCING on Newt's grave, but I never thought about peeing on it! Good call, but I'm too prudish to do that. I'll just have Moose take a dump on it. -----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.4
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/15/2003 06:48:51 AM
I was also thinking of saying "keeps renewing his lease on the urine-smelling crack house that is existence."

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Miel
EMAIL: happymiel@yahoo.com
IP: 166.70.179.53
URL: http://www.faerimiel.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/15/2003 07:18:11 AM
That entry just made me happy.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Kim
EMAIL: mizzkyttie@yahoo.com
IP: 64.223.178.59
URL: http://mizzkyttie.diary-x.com
DATE: 08/15/2003 07:29:22 AM
(Been lurking on your site for a while, since Mary made a mention that we all should check you out, back on her 'blog. Figured now was as good a time as any to leave a Comment.)

You're right, Mary -is- the Funk Queen of the Galaxy. The woman seriously rocks. And, S4/E10 of Buffy is the greatest episode of all time, hands down, ever. And, I concur wholeheartedly with Miel -- this entry just made -me- happy, too. Right on, B2.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.1
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 08/15/2003 10:06:07 AM
Dunno Who Said This: Son, you got a panty on your head."

Gale: Alright you Hayseeds it's a stickup! Everybody freeze. Everybody down on the ground." (Long pause)
Feisty Hayseed: Well, which is it Young Feller? You want I should freeze or get down on the ground? I mean to say, if'n I freeze I can't rightly drop. And if'n I drop, I'm gonna be in motion. Y'see... Gale: Shut up!
Hayseed: Ok then.


Leonard Smalls: Name's Smalls. Leonard Smalls. My friends call me Lenny.... only I ain't got no friends.

F.B.I. Man: Was the boy wearing any jammies?
Nathan Arizona, Snr.: Of course he was wearing his jammies nobody sleeps naked in this house.
F.B.I. Man: Well, could you describe the jammies?
Nathan Arizona, Snr.: I know what his damn jammies looked like.... they had Yodas and shit on them.

Evelle: Do these blow into funny shapes and all?
Grocer: Well, no unless round is funny

:)

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 67.106.83.29
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 08/15/2003 11:20:11 AM
'Once every few years, actually saying something witty to someone at the time that I'm talking to them instead of thinking of it ten minutes later'

Awesome! I'm waiting for my time to come up. So far, it only happens in IM.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.136.84
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 08/15/2003 11:44:27 AM
cibo matto makes me especially happy. i've found a soulmate.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/15/2003 11:45:06 AM
I keep living mostly for the movies. I mean, there's Return of the King and the third Matrix movie out in November, which I just gotta see, and then eventually they're gonna make a new Indiana Jones movie, which is totally awesome. So obviously I can't end it all just yet.
Besides, I assume that in Hell they only show the complete works of the Farley Brothers.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 68.17.226.175
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 08/15/2003 03:03:32 PM
I'm totally with you on that Buffy episode (another favorite of mine is the often-overlooked season 2 episode 'Lie to Me') and the Coen Brother films. I think if I am ever on the verge of suicide all someone will have to say is "Hey, man, there's a beverage here" and I'll come back to my senses. The Dude abides.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 66.138.126.88
URL: http://theshakedown.diaryland.com
DATE: 08/15/2003 04:10:47 PM
That list *sniff* makes me want to *sniff* be a better person. *sniff* What a sweetie you are.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Dymphna
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 195.182.168.59
URL: http://katemonkey.livejournal.com/
DATE: 08/18/2003 01:36:21 AM
Awww! Now I'm happier, because any time someone mentions The Big Lebowski and "Hush" in the same post? Hells yes.

And, yeah, movies. Can't die yet! Return Of The King hasn't been shown!

 

Freddy vs. Jason vs. This Guy
08/17/2003 03:10:36 PM

Is this the most terrifying photo ever to appear on the web? You make the call!

Some Scary Shit

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/17/2003 04:56:05 PM
Is it just me, or does that one ear look like a little hand?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.132.15
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 08/17/2003 04:58:00 PM
is he wearing pink lip gloss? did he just wink at me? fuck!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: cindy
EMAIL: cyn@candygenius.com
IP: 66.228.133.214
URL: http://www.candygenius.com
DATE: 08/17/2003 07:09:53 PM
can you say radioactive?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.29
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/17/2003 07:21:48 PM
See? Pretty scary, huh? Huh?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jen
EMAIL: jen@verybigdesign.com
IP: 24.209.12.237
URL: http://www.verybigdesign.com/verybigblog
DATE: 08/17/2003 07:50:22 PM
it's Mr Clean!!!!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jeff
EMAIL: tambrnman@hotmail.com
IP: 68.69.20.166
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/intersensei
DATE: 08/17/2003 08:33:08 PM
you stole the words from my mouth Jen!! It looks like Mr. Clean cleaned the toilet with his head again!!

"Shitter's full"

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 67.161.129.252
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 08/17/2003 08:33:31 PM
Nah, it's Mr. Peanut without the top hat and monacle!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/17/2003 08:43:40 PM
Oh, it's TOTALLY Mr. Peanut sans monacle!

And with a tiny wee hand for an ear.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Davezilla
EMAIL: davel@davezilla.com
IP: 68.61.99.176
URL: http://www.davezilla.com
DATE: 08/17/2003 08:46:26 PM
I don't know. I think this is the scariest picture.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 08/18/2003 12:22:05 AM
What's with the winking? Did a camel just spit in his eye or something? The fact that he's wearing lip gloss pinker than any lip gloss I own scares me.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jima
EMAIL: jima@legnog.com
IP: 207.7.7.214
URL: http://www.empty-handed.com
DATE: 08/18/2003 12:21:28 PM
Obviously this man is going to be the next governor of California.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: cindy
EMAIL: cyn@candygenius.com
IP: 66.228.133.214
URL: http://www.candygenius.com
DATE: 08/19/2003 02:22:15 PM
Didn't his brother dance in the Joe Boxer underwear commercial for Kmart?

 

Mr. Clean Peanut Comix
08/18/2003 12:21:26 AM



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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Dymphna
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 195.182.168.59
URL: http://katemonkey.livejournal.com/
DATE: 08/18/2003 01:37:39 AM
Shit, man, even if I was wearing a beret, smoking Gauloises, carrying a baguette, and speaking entirely in Revolutionary French, I'd still say I wasn't French to avoid that man...

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/18/2003 10:25:05 AM
Or

"I AM really French!! Take her instead!!"

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.1
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 08/18/2003 11:15:45 AM
LMAO! Yes that is one extremely huge head. :)

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ed
EMAIL: ed@edrants.com
IP: 64.81.55.66
URL: http://www.edrants.com
DATE: 08/18/2003 10:27:53 PM
Vin Diesel in a parallel universe?

 

Annoying Banner Ad of the Day
08/18/2003 03:16:34 PM

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/18/2003 03:38:26 PM
Oh my God.

It's like Drew Barrymore's dad in "Firestarter".

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/18/2003 03:39:38 PM
... with Nathan Lane.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 67.67.233.229
URL: http://theshakedown.diaryland.com
DATE: 08/18/2003 05:30:07 PM
I always say that pop up ad makers and spammers will be the first to go when I take over the world.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: chinh
EMAIL: chinh@chinh.org
IP: 69.22.9.121
URL: http://www.chinh.org
DATE: 08/18/2003 08:12:16 PM
i tried clicking on it... it doesn't work. :-(

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/18/2003 08:44:12 PM
Hey B, what's this "afterhours" I'm blogrolled to? And why the hell can't I get in?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ed
EMAIL: ed@edrants.com
IP: 64.81.55.66
URL: http://www.edrants.com
DATE: 08/18/2003 10:26:58 PM
It started with one modest hue traipsing across an immeasurable bog of monitors. It transformed into ebullient eyesores with the animated GIF. A farrago of mini-Vegases to go with your Geocities pages, the random Google hits, the painful flintlocks and blunderbusses into the eyes. In a land without bread or irony, it lived. If only it could be loved.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: serenity
EMAIL: serenity@serenitysjournal.com
IP: 66.54.1.38
URL: http://www.serenitysjournal.com
DATE: 08/19/2003 12:41:49 AM
I must remember not to eat a PB&J sandwich while reading blogs...takes forever to type a comment while the other hand shoves the delicious peanutty delight into my mouth.

Anyhoo-once again, I nearly choked to death from laughing while eating and reading your site...Damn you!

Hey--we are neighbors btw--I'm in Seattle...but will be moving soon.

Ok, time to go lick my fingers clean.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Enigma
EMAIL: enigmasconundrum@hotmail.com
IP: 68.81.172.42
URL: http://www.hush-nah-chile.net/enigma
DATE: 08/19/2003 08:02:03 PM
So, what you're saying is that I didn't win the DVD player? Those slimey bastards!*shaking fists* I'll make them pay

I'm that kid. My head is aching like a..a..a..like a head with an ache in it.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.209.208
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 08/20/2003 10:14:08 AM
I'm laughing my ass off today. Thanks!

 

The Day the Earth Clicked Through
08/19/2003 01:27:04 PM

They came by the millions, bent upon world domination...


Among the first to feel their wrath were the Spanish flamenco band The Gipsy Kings.


It seemed that nothing could slow their relentless march of destruction!


Only the dolphins, who do not own DVD players, were immune to their wrath.


As the world stood at the brink of extinction, only one hope remained for mankind...

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/19/2003 01:40:10 PM
I know that this is supposed to be funny, but you're SERIOUSLY FREAKING ME OUT!

STOP THAT FUCKING EYE, MAN!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.4
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/19/2003 02:18:19 PM
Respect the eye!!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: cindy
EMAIL: cyn@candygenius.com
IP: 66.228.133.214
URL: http://www.candygenius.com
DATE: 08/19/2003 02:20:53 PM
nooooooooooo! not in dallas!!!! save me!!!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.1
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 08/19/2003 03:34:21 PM
Accck! My eyes! My eyes!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 67.106.83.29
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 08/19/2003 04:37:46 PM
Gripping! (Also, you've probably sent a few epileptics crashing to the floor in spasms.)

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.175.210.48
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 08/19/2003 05:21:25 PM
Haha!

Wow, it's really hard to type when you are having an epileptic fit... who knew?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sher
EMAIL: sherdelune@comcast.net
IP: 68.85.222.28
URL: http://anervousworld.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/19/2003 05:54:44 PM
Oooh! I want to win the free DVD player, ink cartridges, a new computer and a Motorola flip phone! OMG, it's FLASHING!

( o )( o )

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.128.146
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 08/19/2003 07:32:45 PM
okay. that was totally unnecessary.

now i have a nervous tic.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.42
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/19/2003 08:57:55 PM
I know. I kinda wish I had gone with the Ameritrade ad instead.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 66.138.125.100
URL: http://theshakedown.diaryland.com
DATE: 08/19/2003 09:04:50 PM
That winking business is hilarious!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Dymphna
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 195.182.168.59
URL: http://katemonkey.livejournal.com/
DATE: 08/20/2003 01:34:05 AM
*cries*

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BeerMary
EMAIL: mary@NOSPAMrantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 08/20/2003 10:07:24 AM
My first instinct is to triage the patient. Seizure or head injury? Can the nurse decide fast enough?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.209.208
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 08/20/2003 10:13:27 AM
Shouldn't that last line read "the blink of extinction"?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/20/2003 10:50:54 AM
Now just throw in the FIGHTING SEIZURE ROBOTS and you're golden.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Allie
EMAIL: allie@analyze-this.us
IP: 148.78.243.25
URL: http://www.analyze-this.us
DATE: 08/21/2003 09:54:46 PM
Hey! That's *MY* Dallas you're flashing around there!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.209.111
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 08/22/2003 02:27:13 PM
I'm still laughing at this. The Gipsy Kings kill me every time!

 

Something Nice
08/20/2003 12:34:10 AM

I feel awful about subjecting you guys to that seizure-inducing display in yesterday's entry, so to make up for it, here's a nice, soothing photograph I took the last time I was down at the Oregon coast.

This is the beach at Newport. Sometimes I wish my dogs were the kind of dogs that I could jog down the beach with -- you know, the kind that leap about in the waves and shit. My dogs would take one look at an incoming wave and run back to the blanket, where they'd take a dump and then start yapping.

Enjoy the serenity....

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ~Mel
EMAIL: kiebenkins@yahoo.com
IP: 65.127.120.69
URL: http://heart-stricken.net/melancholia
DATE: 08/20/2003 12:40:05 AM
Hi. I just enjoyed looking through your site and blog. The graphics are ridiculous and funny and the About page craked me up. I will definately be back. Take care!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Dymphna
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 195.182.168.59
URL: http://katemonkey.livejournal.com/
DATE: 08/20/2003 01:35:08 AM
I think there should be a deathmatch between scary Mr. Clean and Virtual B2.

Just sayin'.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B
EMAIL: bs_liang@hotmail.com
IP: 65.146.241.69
URL:
DATE: 08/20/2003 02:02:12 AM
and I used to like things that blinked...

maybe that was the reason for my headache!!!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharaacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/20/2003 07:15:28 AM
I just gagged on laughter. R is sleeping and he woke up and went, "Huh?"

HOW DO I EXPLAIN THIS???

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.130.123
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 08/20/2003 07:53:14 AM
you are absolutely, positively fucked up beyond repair. that was the most evil thing that has ever been done to me. EVER. you will pay for this with an eternity in hell.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.198.190.156
URL:
DATE: 08/20/2003 08:38:12 AM
*sprays hot coffee all over monitor and desk*
... you 'bastard'... *mwah*

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.117.192.66
URL: http://theshakedown.diaryland.com
DATE: 08/20/2003 09:04:34 AM
you are obsessed with mr. clean.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BoyKani
EMAIL: darren_kani@yahoo.com
IP: 199.4.18.2
URL: http://www.boykani.com/weblog/weblog.htm
DATE: 08/20/2003 09:26:15 AM

...

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BeerMary
EMAIL: mary@NOSPAMrantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 08/20/2003 10:05:57 AM
HAHAHAHA!

I'm lmao here! :-)

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.20
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/20/2003 10:11:09 AM
Excellent.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.209.208
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 08/20/2003 10:12:39 AM
AHHHHHH!

I was serenely looking at the photo, which could very well have an inspirational saying at the bottom and be on the wall of an office or hospital, and then...

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.1
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 08/20/2003 10:14:50 AM
Oh you are truly evil with a capital E. I love it! :)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/20/2003 10:48:56 AM
That was so bad and wrong and...bad...and wrong.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.128.83
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 08/20/2003 01:32:08 PM
question: what is that font that looks like comic book script?

and if you respond with a flashing picture, i'll fucking kill you.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.128.83
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 08/20/2003 01:33:09 PM
damn. that was like an engraved invitation for you to respond with a blinking picture. stupid. *hits self in head* stupid, stupid, stupid.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.158.9.46
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 08/20/2003 08:16:42 PM
You're starting to make me paranoid. I keep thinking that the crazy winking guy will pop out at me while I'm at work or something.

"Hmm... where'd I put that stapler... Oh, yeah... in this drawer..."

"HALLOOOO!"

"Noooooo!"

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: serenity
EMAIL: serenity@serenitysjournal.com
IP: 66.54.1.38
URL: http://www.serenitysjournal.com
DATE: 08/24/2003 01:25:56 AM
I have a dog who can't WAIT to get out of the car and attack the waves. In that aspect, I feel lucky. However, she has the same attitude at home, only it's with lint.

Grass is always greener, my friend, grass is always greener.

 

Font Frenzied Feministe
08/20/2003 04:18:12 PM



Ms. Lauren asks:

What is that font that looks like a comic book strip? And if you respond with a flashing picture, I'll fucking kill you.



Hope that helps, Ms. Lauren!

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: steph
EMAIL: tusultusest@hotmail.com
IP: 67.64.146.140
URL:
DATE: 08/20/2003 09:27:53 PM
oh. my. god.

bwaaaahahah i couldnt stop laughing for a full five minutes...

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.132.109
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 08/20/2003 09:33:22 PM
BAAAAAAAAAAH!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.144.12
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/21/2003 01:53:52 AM
Excellent.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BoyKani
EMAIL: darren_kani@yahoo.com
IP: 199.4.18.2
URL:
DATE: 08/21/2003 12:41:58 PM
You could do justice to this site, B.

http://www.b3ta.com/

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.144.23
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/21/2003 12:48:23 PM
Hilarious site, dude. The "Jaws" one made me go #1 in my diaper.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ~Mel
EMAIL: kiebenkins@yahoo.com
IP: 65.127.120.88
URL: http://heart-stricken.net/melancholia
DATE: 08/23/2003 10:02:27 PM
guffaw!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jima
EMAIL: jima@legnog.com
IP: 68.22.197.214
URL: http://www.empty-handed.com<
br/> DATE: 08/24/2003 10:46:42 AM
Hurrah! Another secret of the Internet™ revealed!! I had to use this information to make my own "homage" (which is French for "rip-off") of Asian Bastard comix. GO SEE IT NOW!!!

 

Catch the Bus
08/21/2003 02:16:16 AM

Hey kids! Say hello to the newest Weirdsmobile, Wendy Darling, who's driving the Magic Short Bus. Wendy is one of my fave bloggers, so I'm honored and delighted to have her blogging for Team Weirdsmobile.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.137.109.45
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 08/22/2003 09:46:47 PM
That design is awesome, B!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.144.20
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/22/2003 10:28:17 PM
Thanks!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Wendy
EMAIL: wendy@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 66.214.75.16
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/wendy
DATE: 08/23/2003 02:08:50 AM
You're awesome, B!

 

Buttheads & Ignobles
08/21/2003 01:53:22 PM

I love hanging out at megabookstores. Not only are they basically libraries with built-in coffeeshops, but the floor show is hilarious. There's invariably some insane doofus there trying to get away with some kind of pervy/asinine behavior without attracting attention, as if he's not inside a human aquarium.

Bookstore pervs are, to me, the funniest. Like, the last time I as at Borders, I watched this middle-aged guy for about fifteen minutes as he checked out a young woman browsing through the Psychology section. He was pretending to be looking through books, but he'd barely glance at the book he'd taken from the shelf before practically craning his head to stare at the girl's butt. What cracked me up was how he went to such lengths to hide what he was doing, and yet was so blatant about his ogling. Finally the girl moved on, and you could see the indecision on the guy's face as he pondered whether or not to follow her. Eventually he put his book back (probably upside down) and wandered aimlessly around the store for a minute before leaving.

Moral of the story: no matter how slick you think you're being, if you're checking out a chick in a bookstore, you can be sure that someone IS watching you and laughing their ass off at your pathetic creepiness. You're not fooling anyone!

Sometimes, though, you can get so involved in the action that you end up becoming part of the show yourself. Like one time, I was browsing the aisles when I saw this guy surreptitiously eyeing an attractive girl a few feet away. Whenever she moved to another row, he'd follow and set up position at the same spot relative to her. (I guess he figured it was her blind spot.) This went on for several minutes. I became so fascinated by this cat and mouse game that I ended up following the guy around the store as he followed the girl. I thought, "why is this guy so obsessed with this girl?" Then I started looking at her. So then it was the two of us following this girl around the bookstore. Finally she left the store, and the other guy and I just stood there looking at each other.

I've always thought it might be cool to work at a Borders or Barnes & Noble, but this collection of tales by a B&N employee makes me think twice. Here's one that made me laugh out loud:

Oh yeah, there's also the B&N pervert. This guy writes the typical bathroom graffitti:

Be here 12:30.
I give good blowjobs.

But he actually shows up, and creepily follows any unsuspecting male customer who happens to have to piss at 12:30 into the bathroom.

Did I mention he drilled a hole in the partition between two of the stalls so he could 'peep?'

The maintenance people put a bolt through the hole, with metal plates on either side, to which he responded in permanent marker: "Was this really necessary?"

These stories make me want to start my work weblog back up again.

link via Cati Fabulous

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: chinh
EMAIL: chinh@chinh.org
IP: 69.22.9.121
URL: http://www.chinh.org
DATE: 08/21/2003 03:27:40 PM
WOW... people are friggin' creepie... damnit... I'M NEVER GOING TO A BOOKSTORE AGAIN!! (puffs! puffs!)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B
EMAIL: bs_liang@hotmail.com
IP: 65.146.227.89
URL:
DATE: 08/21/2003 03:30:43 PM
you didn't mention anything about presbyterian hookers. you already missed out on mesopotamian mullet.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 68.17.226.175
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 08/21/2003 03:36:40 PM
The local B&N and Borders restrooms ALWAYS have some art book full of nudes sitting in the bathroom stall when I go in there. It's so creepy... the people can't even be bothered to buy the books and take them home before touching themselves.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 08/21/2003 06:54:04 PM
I must be really unobservant because I never notice any fun crap like that!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 08/21/2003 10:29:09 PM
Thanks for that great chuckle. I really needed it tonight.:)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.199.222.208
URL:
DATE: 08/21/2003 11:39:17 PM
Yeah... I know this guy who's SO obsessed with a girl who works at the Borders Caf on Saturday afternoons... he said something about her having black hair, and that she's the cats-eye-glasses-wearing snarky nervous-chatter type, and that she's the only sultry, latte-slinging vixen for him.
(p.s. luuurve yooouuuu)
;)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Tara
EMAIL: weblog@switchinglanes.com
IP: 4.40.2.119
URL: http://www.burningpaper.net
DATE: 08/22/2003 12:06:02 AM
I was going to say something about the glory hole in the bathroom, but... I'm feeling a terrible lack of creativity.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.144.12
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/22/2003 12:09:12 AM
dvl: Why do you think I can identify these pervs so easily? We recognize our own!!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Wendy
EMAIL: wendy@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 66.214.75.16
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/wendy
DATE: 08/22/2003 12:10:40 AM
I've always thought the bookstore was like a singles bar. What's worse is the line-up of people at the listening stations at the Virgin Megastore - to walk along there is to get sized up like cattle for the slaughter.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.144.12
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/22/2003 12:11:07 AM
Tara: The guy's response is classic.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Dahl
EMAIL: dollhaus_nyc@hotmail.com
IP: 12.170.10.66
URL: http://dollhaus.sassygals.net
DATE: 08/22/2003 06:34:34 AM
I too love the megastores because their marketing is so damn good. I mean, you go in looking for a book that just came out, and instantly you find 10 other books that you might like also sitting at the table next to it! And I wonder why I spend so much money at the bookstore.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Cati
EMAIL: catifabulous@hotmail.com
IP: 12.22.103.2
URL: http://www.catifabulous.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/22/2003 08:22:04 AM
That was totally my fave one, too! But i was scared to transcribe it for fear of all the pervs looking for "blowjob glory hole bathroom barnes and noble slut" that would come a'callin.

Yeah, B&N was voted best pickup place in our county, which is cool for you if you're a customer but sucks when you're the employee. Nothing better than sitting in cookbooks, innocently filing away Emeril books and having some flasher perv come over and try to rub himself on you. Oh yeah.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Scott
EMAIL: volume22@email.com
IP: 205.161.153.27
URL: http://volume22.blogspot.com/
DATE: 08/22/2003 11:20:49 AM
Once I was in a bookstore and this old guy in his 60's or 70's came up to me. He gave me a shifty look and starting asking me if I knew where the "sex books" were. I told him I didn't know, but he wouldn't go away. He kept mentioning "sex books" while I browsed. It didn't occur to me until after I got home that the old creep wanted to have sex with me. I quickly came down with a severe case of the heebie-jeebies.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.209.111
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 08/22/2003 02:25:43 PM
There are always hot guys working at the local Barnes and Noble. Of course, when I go to inquire about a book, some old hag shoves in front of the fine young mens and assists me. :-p

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL:
DATE: 08/22/2003 07:20:01 PM
Well, it certainly throws a different light on Amazon.com.

We have a local independent bookstore that's also sort of a social nexus. There's also a Books-a-Dozen at the mall that I avoid like the plague hole it is (not only have they a long record of NEVER having a book I'm looking for, I was so completley underwhelmed when I found all of Caleb Carr's novel "The Alienist" filed in the SF section...FYI, that book is a historical mystery set back when "alienist" was the term for psychiatrist)

I like Borders. Barnes & Noble tends to irritate me (they file all their craft and art books alphabetically by title -- to this DAY I don't know why). I try not to notice the other people at the bookstore except when I have to shove one planted in the aisle out of my way. Come on, folks, there are lots of nice chairs...

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ed
EMAIL: ed@edrants.com
IP: 64.81.55.66
URL: http://www.edrants.com
DATE: 08/23/2003 08:27:34 PM
I don't really see what's so creepy or hilarious about all this. I find the loneliness sad more than anything else and, to some extent, I sympathize it with it. Of course, going to a bookstore can often involve chatting up someone. For this reason, this is probably why I'm on a first-name basis with a few clerks in a few local indie stores, slinging around authors and titles like cooking recipes. Had a great conversation the other day about Nero Wolfe with an enthusiastic mystery-loving clerk. Ended up spending an hour at said bookstore.

Sometimes, however, the idea that anyone can be enthuaiastic about books seems to be at odds with the inherent silent atmosphere of the bookstore. Today, I saw a guy flipping through Richard Powers' books. He picked up "The Gold Bug Variations" and I joked, "Got a month?" He then told me to get the fuck out of his way. I remarked, "Remember kids, don't read angry," and left. I had no idea what made this guy so ired.

I guess loneliness often breeds contempt. But isn't commiseration a better answer?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ed
EMAIL: ed@edrants.com
IP: 64.81.55.66
URL: http://www.edrants.com
DATE: 08/23/2003 08:29:33 PM
And having said that, better that these bookstore regulars shag the anger out.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.9
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/23/2003 08:33:40 PM
Socializing at the bookstore = fine. Staring fixedly at women and following them around the store without actually ever talking to them = creepy.

 

Secret Confessions #1
08/23/2003 01:18:29 AM

I like Huey Lewis & the News.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: cindy
EMAIL: cyn@candygenius.com
IP: 66.228.133.214
URL: http://www.candygenius.com
DATE: 08/23/2003 07:07:25 AM
isn't huey dead?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 08/23/2003 07:23:14 AM
Well, I knew we'd disagree someday. About something. And this is it.

;-)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Wendy
EMAIL: wendy@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 66.214.75.16
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/wendy
DATE: 08/23/2003 09:44:23 AM
You just like him because it's well known that he has a big "huey". I liked him when I liked Back To The Future, they went together nicely. But, sadly, later in the eighties, I did not "want a new drug".

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/23/2003 11:17:52 AM
I'll never get "Back In Time" out of my head now.

Again.

Thanks.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.130.82
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 08/23/2003 03:01:35 PM
last time i heard huey lewis and the news was on "behind the music" on a weekend i was violently ill.

now whenever i hear their music, i vividly remember throwing up an "oriental" burger my mom made me eat.

thanks mom.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL:
DATE: 08/23/2003 08:38:48 PM
You know, there are new medical treatments available for Huey afficianados. Practically painless, I'm told.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: melly
EMAIL: jezemelly@yahoo.com
IP: 24.26.239.35
URL: http://ordinarymorning.net
DATE: 08/23/2003 09:15:51 PM
You stole that from me.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.30
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/24/2003 02:54:33 AM
Huey belongs to everyone.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/24/2003 12:41:20 PM
Huey belongs to everyone, but The News isn't for sale.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ed
EMAIL: ed@edrants.com
IP: 64.81.55.66
URL: http://www.edrants.com
DATE: 08/24/2003 12:56:18 PM
Huey is the most Caucasian singer working in adult contemporary today.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.7
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/24/2003 01:00:32 PM
He's working??

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/24/2003 08:45:16 PM
He's a singer??

 

Slamma Lamma
08/23/2003 12:35:39 PM

This is your weekly reminder...





Deadline: August 31. Send it in!

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.191.96.12
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 08/24/2003 08:38:45 AM
Damn...I gotta get cracking at this! The number 157 is throwing me off.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.130.118
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 08/24/2003 11:58:36 AM
i have stories, but i'm afraid to send them in. scary.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/24/2003 08:47:36 PM
I'm still trying to work in this whole "prostitute in a mad car chase" angle.

But I'll have it in by the 30th. I promise. ;-)

 

No Good Deed...
08/24/2003 12:52:08 PM

Who knew that when I revealed the source of my comic strip fonts, I'd be unleashing a tide of evil upon the Internet™??

On the other hand, Mark Trail has never seemed so...so....

Um.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jima
EMAIL: jima@legnog.com
IP: 68.22.197.214
URL: http://www.empty-handed.com
DATE: 08/24/2003 01:12:38 PM
Maybe you'll think twice before postin' stuff on your bloggity-blog again, eh Mister Smart Guy?? EH??????

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.134.153
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 08/24/2003 11:09:29 PM
"tide of evil" is an understatement, boo.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.191.96.99
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 08/25/2003 02:37:35 PM
Don't you mean you've unleashed a Trail of evil?

 

Hip to B²
08/24/2003 01:20:24 PM



I forgot where Wendy originally heard this rumor, but Huey Lewis is said to pack one of the heftiest "Mr. Microphones" in the business. Just a fun little 80's factoid to liven up your Sunday.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 08/24/2003 03:37:22 PM
I can't think of his name right now, but that little guy who sings for Styx (Tommy something?) is supposed to have a very small one.

Not that size matters.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.138.134.9
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 08/24/2003 05:47:07 PM
For some reason this makes me even more frightened of Huey Lewis than I was before.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: hannah
EMAIL: hannahw@umich.edu
IP: 68.42.116.193
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/misshannah
DATE: 08/24/2003 07:26:02 PM
For a little full-frontal verification, check out Short Cuts. And I'm sorry I know that.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: xkot.net
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 68.166.20.27
URL: http://xkot.net
DATE: 08/24/2003 08:23:02 PM
I saw Short Cuts and I have to say that the rumor is untrue - unless he's a grower, not a show-er.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B
EMAIL: bs_liang@hotmail.com
IP: 65.148.125.147
URL:
DATE: 08/24/2003 10:45:35 PM
i think my psych teacher went to see him and got his signature for some kid i know.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Wendy
EMAIL: wendy@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 66.214.75.16
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/wendy
DATE: 08/25/2003 12:33:30 AM
I knew it because my co-worker dated him in the eighties. She said he was as large as the legend says and that his appetite for blow jobs was insatiable. Now it's the slang term between her and her husband for such an act: "give me a Huey, please," he'll say.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 08/25/2003 04:07:33 AM
A man with an insatiable appetite for Huey-jobs? Who has ever heard of such a thing? ;-)

Hee!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.1
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 08/25/2003 11:46:49 AM
LMAO! Give me a huey! Now that's funny. I'm with Mary. I can't imagine that any guy would say ...Oh no! Not another blow job! Can I take a rain check? hehe

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.191.96.99
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 08/25/2003 02:36:24 PM
Hmm...so that's "The Power of Love" he was singing about. Don't need no credit card to ride that train!

 

Public Service Blogging
08/25/2003 05:45:56 AM



explicit+trailer+trash

Explicit Trailer Trash Memories #1 by B²


When I was about five years old, our family lived in a trailer park in Shreveport, Louisiana. Since we were poor at the time, I guess that qualified us as trailer trash. I have a photographic evidence of this, but I'd sooner eat the ass out of a dead possum than go spend fifteen minutes digging my old photo album out of my closet at 5 in the morning, so you'll just have to take my word for it.

Two little girls about my age lived in another trailer next door. They were blondes and cute as buttons. Their tale, however, is more sweet and heroic than explicit, so forget that one for now. No, my story is about the other sisters, the three wicked ones who lived in the trailer in the bad part of the trailer park.

I forget their names, so let's just call them Sue Ann, Sue Bob, and Sue Edward. The oldest was about 8, the middle sister was 6, and the youngest was 4. For some reason they loved my hair and were constantly touching it. Anyway, I was hanging out with them one day when Sue Ann, who was always coming up with wicked ideas, suggested playing a kinky sex game. Well, it seemed like a kinky sex game at the time, but what she actually said was that each of us had to go to the bathroom and pee while the others watched. Actually, I suppose that would still qualify as a kinky sex game for some people.

So, Sue Edward went first, and sat on the toilet while the other three of us stood at the doorway, peering inside. I don't know what we were hoping to see -- the toilet was behind a partition, so all we saw were her feet sticking out from the partition between the toilet and the bathtub. But we were all freaked out about it.

Next went Sue Bob. She was an older woman, so I was naturally more curious to see if she would expose anything interesting, but it was basically the same thing, except more leg was revealed.

Sue Ann told me to go next. So I went in and was about to unzip when I realized the nefarious scheme at work here. As girls, they could sit on the toilet and reveal nothing, but as a guy, I would have to stand in front of the toilet and reveal all! "No way!" I yelled, and ran out of there.

Later, the girls' dad (or possibly the girls' mom's boyfriend) caught me and Sue Edward playing doctor, and that was the end of the kinky sex games at the Trailer of the Wicked Sisters.

THE END

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.117.192.66
URL: http://theshakedown.diaryland.com
DATE: 08/25/2003 07:19:28 AM
Way to keep your dignity, B.

One time when I was like 8, I was at a friends house and we were making her barbies have sex. Her mom walked in and after that, it was years before I was allowed back into their house.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.134.75
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 08/25/2003 07:39:10 AM
uh, creepy! i guess that's akin to me playing doctor with the neighborhood boys, then saying my mom was calling me to go home when it was my turn.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.4
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/25/2003 07:55:36 AM
What can I tell you, I've led a checkered life.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Enigma
EMAIL: enigmasconundrum@hotmail.com
IP: 68.81.172.42
URL: http://www.hush-nah-chile.net/enigma
DATE: 08/25/2003 11:12:23 AM
Sweetie with colorful descriptions like "...I'd sooner eat the ass out of a dead possum.." you don't have to look for trailer park proof. Just proof that you're not from West Va. (ding dingding ding ding ding ding dingding)

But hey you were pretty smart there, but instead of running you shoulda charged them a quarter. Sorry, that's just my inner madame coming out.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.1
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 08/25/2003 11:42:29 AM
Smart move on your part to show your goods to the wicked sisters. When I was a 5 the next door neighbor kid came by to show us a new trick he learned with his willie-winkie. Being the innocent kinda kid I was I had no idea what a willie-winkie was and was duped into watching his new willie winkie trip. :(

LOL Angela...my brother used to make his GI Joe's have relations with my Barbies.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.1
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 08/25/2003 11:43:45 AM
doh! That was supposed to read, "Smart move on your part not to show your goods to the wicked sisters." I'm a doofus today what can I say?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 08/25/2003 12:21:13 PM
Trailer parts have "bad parts"?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 08/25/2003 01:36:39 PM
pakrs

oops PARKS

Lawdy

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.191.96.99
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 08/25/2003 02:34:35 PM
Ha! The Sue's were sneaky. I wonder if they planned it that way!

When I was little, probably around 4ish, I got caught playing doctor with another little boy. We were so shamed by the adults that I think it scarred me for life.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.134.75.244
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 08/25/2003 07:45:42 PM
Wait, what exactly do you mean by "playing doctor"? When I was that age, "playing doctor" meant pretending to give my kitten a shot with my Playskool doctor's kit.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.24
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/25/2003 08:32:24 PM
Let's just say that Sue Ed was properly Smooved!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.1
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 08/26/2003 11:15:32 AM
We were too poor to afford a Playskool doctor's kit when I was that age.:( Bob you lucky, lucky girl.

 

Joke of the Day
08/27/2003 05:49:11 AM

Originally posted 8/24/2001...in other words, more old, recycled crap!

A 60 year-old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year-old daughter playing with a vibrator.

"What are you doing?" asked the mother.

"Mom, I'm 40 years old and look at me. I'm ugly. I'll never get married, so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day, the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room, found his daughter using the vibrator.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.

His daughter replied, "I already told Mom. I'm 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married, so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room, shaking his head.

The next day, the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand and the vibrator in the other, watching a football game on TV.

"What on earth are you doing?" she cried.

The husband replied, "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching football with my son-in-law!"

"That's in very poor taste," the mother said sternly.

The father looked down at the torpedo-shaped piece of plastic in his hand. He dropped it to the carpet and put his arm over his face. He burst into tears.

"God, what am I doing?" the father said, sobbing. "Our only daughter is upstairs losing herself in despair and negativity, and I'm sitting here feeling sorry for myself!"

The mother went to her husband and put a comforting arm around him. "It's okay," she said softly. "Let it out."

"I probably look like a real jerk right now, crying like a baby," the father husked, his voice quavering.

The mother tenderly stroked the father's silvery hair. "You're not a jerk for crying," the mother said. "I've been waiting forty-two years for you to finally open up to me!"

"God, I love you," the father said, holding his wife more tightly than ever.

"I love you, too," the mother said. "Now, let's go upstairs and help our daughter through her difficult time."

Hand in hand, husband and wife walked up the stairs. Neither knew what the future would hold for them or for their family, but they knew that today, they had crossed the most important threshold of their lives together -- the threshold of the heart.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Wendy
EMAIL: wendy@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 66.215.116.209
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/wendy
DATE: 08/27/2003 07:35:15 AM
So, am I supposed to buy a vibrator to act as an inanimate Dr. Phil? Is that the moral here?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jima
EMAIL: jima@legnog.com
IP: 207.7.7.214
URL: http://www.empty-handed.com
DATE: 08/27/2003 08:02:44 AM
I think the vibrator represents the failed marriage, and the football game represents the daughter's failed potential. By bringing the two together, the father was making an implicit commentary on the futility of the traqditional American dream of marrying, having kids, and living a standard middle-class existence.

Yes, a very funny joke. A joke on Mr. and Mrs. America.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: chinh
EMAIL: chinh@chinh.org
IP: 69.22.9.121
URL: http://www.chinh.org
DATE: 08/27/2003 08:29:58 AM
The image of the vibrator in the father's hand watching a football game just KILLS me.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 08/27/2003 11:03:15 AM
I don't mind being almost 40, single, and ugly. But the thought of living with my parents at this age gives me the jibblies. But I digress...

I think the moral of this cautionary tale is that a vibrator is the key to happiness. That this young lady, because she dared to use her vibrator proudly, saved more than herself. She saved her parents marriage, which is obviously a metaphor for post-WWII society.

Think about it! What if, instead of a child tax credit, the government had handed out vouchers for Zigfield's and duracell batteries? I think our society would have enjoyed a much more immediate and positive impact.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.1
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 08/27/2003 01:31:43 PM
Hey Mary if you ever run for president and include that in your platform heck I'd vote for ya! I can honestly say I've never met a vibrator I didn't like, so with a the promise of a Zigfield and a lifetime supply of Duracells...who needs a tax refund?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.132.195
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 08/27/2003 04:19:15 PM
my vibrator is reading this entry with me right now, and i have to tell you, she's touched.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 67.75.15.58
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com/weblog
DATE: 08/27/2003 06:37:16 PM
Oh maaaannnn..! you told it wrong!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 08/27/2003 07:15:18 PM
"my vibrator ... is touched"

HAHA, excellent play on words! ;-)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Enigma
EMAIL: enigmasconundrum@hotmail.com
IP: 68.81.172.42
URL: http://www.hush-nah-chile.net/enigma
DATE: 08/27/2003 07:22:22 PM
did u ask that last bit? every other time i've read that joke it ends w/dad watching football w/the son inlaw.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jerry
EMAIL: gimmemyprops@yahoo.com
IP: 63.136.96.20
URL: http://www.whyjerrywhy.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/28/2003 11:00:10 AM
That's probably the best joke I've ever heard. But I think it keeps going after the punchline. It should end when the father breaks down crying and his voice quavers. That cracked me up, man.

 

There's a New Weirdsmobile in Town
08/28/2003 01:38:06 AM

Say hello to Suzette, the newest blogger to join Team Weirdsmobile. Many of you know her already, from her previous weblog -- the one named after her dog. I've been a fan for years, so it's truly an honor to assimilate her into the Weirdsmobile Collective.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: bakiwop
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 68.117.20.27
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 08/28/2003 03:10:33 AM
yay suzette!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Suzette
EMAIL: SuzetteTraveler@yahoo.com
IP: 209.210.95.7
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/suzette
DATE: 08/28/2003 04:26:28 AM
He's happy now - let's see how much whining about puffy hair-dos and household clutter it takes before he's begging me to stop.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jessica
EMAIL: jessica@peacedividend.com
IP: 66.117.128.123
URL: http://www.peacedividend.com
DATE: 08/28/2003 09:56:28 AM
I don't know what I would've done without my regular doses of Suzette-y goodness. You're my hero, B2.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 08/28/2003 11:30:05 AM
I ADORE that layout!
-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B
EMAIL: bs_liang@hotmail.com
IP: 65.148.123.38
URL:
DATE: 08/31/2003 12:46:30 AM
when are you going to post something new, and i cut my hair.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B
EMAIL: bs_liang@hotmail.com
IP: 65.148.120.183
URL:
DATE: 09/01/2003 12:09:41 AM
BBBBB!!!

http://www.nopantsday.com/

they only have a day, its need to be a whole year.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.208.247
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 09/01/2003 08:49:53 AM
Love the new blog. :-) Woot!


B, I sent you a Fiction Slam entry last night, but I know that your e-mail likes to filter my e-mail as spam. Let me know if you got it, or if I need to re-send it from another address. Thanks!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.134.181
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 09/02/2003 07:19:16 AM
gawd, i love your layouts.

 

Mac OS X Favicon Fun
09/02/2003 10:05:26 AM

For all Safari users...I just learned about this today and figured I'd pass it on to anyone similarly clueless...

If, like me, you've been having problems with favicons (those little bookmark icons like the one that should be showing up in the address field in this browser window) either not displaying, not showing changes, or showing up all distorted and weird, deleting your cache will not resolve the problem (as it does in IE for Windows), because Safari caches icons in a different location.

The quick & dirty way to resolve this is to quit Safari, go to your Users folder and find the icon cache folder located at Library->Safari->Icons, and delete everything there.

For more control or to work with individual icons, just download the excellent Safari Icon Manager.


How to Make a Favicon

By the way, here are some Quik-n-EZ™ directions on creating a favicon, if you're into this stuff. This is the "maximum compatibility" method, btw, and should work on just about any browser (except IE for Mac, which doesn't support favicons).

[There's also a free online icon creator Java thingy over at Favicon.co.uk that's pretty nifty. If you use it, skip #1-3 in the directions below.]

1. Fire up an image editor (Photoshop, PaintShop Pro, PhotoImpact, etc.).

2. Create a 16x16 pixel image of your choice.

3. Reduce the image to 16 colors (4-bit) and save two versions: a Windows Icon (.ico) file, and a GIF (.gif) file.

NOTE: Most instructions tell you to name the file "favicon.ico" but you can actually name it whatever you want, so long as the file extensions are correct.

4. Upload images to your website's image folder. (Duh!)

5. In your HTML code for your pages, insert the following lines of code in the HEAD section of the page (between the <head> and </head> tags), modifying the image URL to point to wherever yours is located at:

<link rel="icon" href="http://your-web-site/image-folder/favicon.gif" type="image/gif"> <link rel="shortcut icon" href="http://your-web-site/image-folder/favicon.ico" type="image/x-icon">

I include both the "shortcut icon" and the "icon" tags so that browsers that don't support the "shortcut icon" tag will still recognize the "icon" version (I think Mozilla falls in the latter category).

To view the favicon on your page, you will most likely need to clear out your cache or, for Safari, follow the instructions above.

And voila! You've just wasted 30 minutes out of your day!

NOTE: With great power comes great responsibility. Use this newfound knowledge only for good, never evil.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Wendy
EMAIL: wendy@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 66.215.58.119
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/wendy
DATE: 09/02/2003 10:22:58 AM
So is this where you've been the last four days? =)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/02/2003 10:30:06 AM
Yeah.

So, what's a "flavicon"?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.5
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/02/2003 10:38:05 AM
Wendy: Pretty much, yeah.

Estella: Favicons are those little images that appear next to the website title in the browser window and shortcuts/bookmarks.

A "flavicon," on the other hand, is a favicon showing one of those big clocks Flavor Flav of Public Enemy used to wear around his neck (word).

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 09/02/2003 11:36:22 AM
Flavicon -- HA!

This is a great idea. You should make one for every one of your friends.

As you said, with great power comes great responsibility.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/02/2003 01:13:52 PM
FLAVICON: I have one.


FAVICON: No.

(I'm laughing so hard I have to sign off the computer now.)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.154.156.64
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 09/02/2003 07:10:25 PM
Wasn't Flavicon the leader of the Transformers?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: chinh
EMAIL: chinh@chinh.org
IP: 69.22.9.121
URL: http://www.chinh.org
DATE: 09/02/2003 09:33:45 PM
awesome!! I just learned something kewl today! Thanks B Square!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Dymphna
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 195.182.168.59
URL: http://katemonkey.livejournal.com/
DATE: 09/03/2003 03:42:19 AM
Woo, boy, I'm a-geekin' out here...

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.1
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 09/03/2003 08:54:32 AM
Oh man! Now I have to break out my old Public Enemy cd's.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rob E.
EMAIL: robe05@sprynet.com
IP: 152.1.24.136
URL: http://home.sprynet.com/~robe05/weblog/
DATE: 09/08/2003 06:33:36 AM
Today, while wasting time at work, reading my favourite weblogs, I actually learned something useful. Well, usefull for wasting even more time at work anyway. Thanks B²

 

Public Service Blogging
09/03/2003 04:49:31 AM



Ask Unca B² Edition

Q: what+if+as+a +result+of+cheating+your +partner+constantly
+yells+and+curse +or+make+you+feel +guilty

A: Being in my thirties, I hail from an old-fashioned generation with old school values. But I believe it's still an unwritten rule of relationships that, if you cheat on your partner, then said partner pretty much has the right to do whatever the fuck he/she wants to do to you short of popping a cap in your faithless ass.


Q: are+you+there

A: Yes. As Jean-Paul Sartre said, "existence precedes essence." Go here for more info on the improbably complex answer to the question of whether or not any of us is, indeed, there. If you really want your brains blown out of your ass, however, go here to see what Kant has to say about this question. Man, if these cats were alive today, thanks to the Internet they wouldn't have to spend a lot of time sitting around fleshing out these ideas -- they could just Google them and find some crank out there willing to write 100 pages on the subject.


Q: who+is+god+for+me?

A:

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Suzette
EMAIL: SuzetteTraveler@yahoo.com
IP: 209.210.95.7
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/suzette
DATE: 09/03/2003 04:57:11 AM
Ganesh is also the patron saint equivalent of the God of Kidney Transplants, but I forgot the whole story and can't provide the exact details right now.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 09/03/2003 05:10:00 AM
I don't get google hits since locking my blog. Thank Ganesh!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Allie
EMAIL: allie@analyze-this.us
IP: 148.78.243.25
URL: http://www.analyze-this.us
DATE: 09/03/2003 09:30:43 AM
I don't know, B. God ain't talkin' to me right now. Come to think of it, he's never talked to me. I'll go look up Ganesh. Or others. Oh, wow, look at me! I'm being irreverant.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/03/2003 09:48:33 AM
I knew it was Ganesh! I KNEW it!!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 09/03/2003 09:56:11 AM
Allie, it's better to be irreverant than irrelevant! Tis also better to be incompetent than incontinent!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.117.192.66
URL: http://theshakedown.diaryland.com
DATE: 09/03/2003 10:06:52 AM
It's too early in the week for philosophy.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike
EMAIL: mike@whybark.com
IP: 216.173.212.237
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 09/03/2003 06:14:08 PM
http://pix.whybark.com/gallery/album050

http://pix.whybark.com/gallery/album106

Ganesh + Velasquez = Velash? Ganeshquez?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Dymphna
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 195.182.168.59
URL: http://katemonkey.livejournal.com/
DATE: 09/04/2003 01:31:55 AM
Ganesh want a peanut?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.132.64
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 09/05/2003 07:01:26 AM
i may have to totally steal this idea. i get some seriously fucked up searches, mostly for "peed+my+pants" and "that+stupid+bitch+kobe+bryant." i have a feeling they aren't looking for kobe.

 

Better Living Through Circuitry
09/05/2003 06:31:15 AM

UPDATE: I guess I'll be going cordless after all -- right after I posted this, I went over to dealnews and what do you know, Kampf USA is having a 2-day sale on the Microsoft Wireless Optical Desktop Special Edition USB keyboard. Original price $54.99, two rebates totalling $25 bring the price down to $29.99.

The website is already sold out, but at the Kampf USA near me they still had a big stack of them. Woo hoo! I can't wait to go comment on Wendy's blog...I already feel a bowel movement coming on....





My long-suffering keyboard finally went tits-up, so yesterday I ventured out to Kampf USA in search of a new one. Jebus...I can still remember when the hot feature for keyboards was a numerical keypad. Now it's all about cordless, optical, Bluetooth...does anyone actually need this stuff?

I mean, a cordless keyboard. Which, actually, is a terrific concept, because there have been so many times I've thought to myself, "If only I could type an e-mail on my computer from across the room." I never realized what a barren, unproductive life I was leading until I realized I could be typing from up to six feet away from my desk. It used to be you had to remove your hands from the keyboard in order to spin around and around in your chair. Not anymore!

Seriously, I don't know how Tolstoy managed to write War and Peace without an ergonomic keyboard. And imagine if Flaubert had been Bluetooth-enabled.

Tempted though I was, I ultimately decided to save $30 and remain corded to my desk for the time being. I feel so...analog.

But hey, look at this snazzy new Logitech Elite keyboard. It's got about 1,000 function keys on it. Now I don't even have to expend the minute amount of energy required to mouse down to my Dock and click on the iChat icon -- I can be online and having cybersex with a flick of my pinkie!

I am closer than ever to achieving the geek nirvana of surfing the net while completely immobile. I can feel my muscles atrophying already.

Check this out...I just opened up iTunes, skipped over A Flock of Seagulls in my playlist, started playing "Stand and Deliver" by Adam Ant, and turned the volume up -- all via the keyboard! I mean, it took me five times longer than if I'd just used the mouse, but that would have meant moving my arm twelve inches.

Now all I need is a mini-fridge and a toilet built into my chair, and I will never need to move again.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.117.192.66
URL: http://theshakedown.diaryland.com
DATE: 09/05/2003 08:26:35 AM
Geez, the facetiousness of that entry is not dripping from my computer screen or anything. No. Uh uh.

But seriously, congrats on becoming one step closer to a completely sedentary lifestyle. That's cool!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogpsot.com
DATE: 09/05/2003 09:29:44 AM
I need to replace my keyboard, if only to ditch the twelve pounds of food I've dropped in there over the years.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Wendy
EMAIL: wendy@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 66.214.75.0
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/wendy
DATE: 09/05/2003 10:05:54 AM
I'm thankful you didn't get the cordless. I don't want to find out you've been typing your comments to my blog while seated on your toilet.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.10
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/05/2003 10:11:41 AM
Ew, no way! I use my laptop for that.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jima
EMAIL: jima@legnog.com
IP: 207.7.7.214
URL: http://www.empty-handed.com
DATE: 09/05/2003 10:25:18 AM
You've been typing comments while seated on your laptop?!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Scott
EMAIL: volume22@email.com
IP: 205.161.152.180
URL: http://volume22.blogspot.com/
DATE: 09/05/2003 10:29:08 AM
It's about time we brought the toilet into the office.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: monkeyinabox
EMAIL: wackycat2@yahoo.com
IP: 216.228.173.28
URL: http://home.bendcable.com/macmonkey/dailybanana/dailybanana.html
DATE: 09/05/2003 11:10:57 AM
Cordless everything while wearing Depends, is the way to go!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Allie
EMAIL: allie@analyze-this.us
IP: 148.78.243.24
URL: http://www.analyze-this.us
DATE: 09/05/2003 11:16:17 AM
Eewww on the Depends. What's a Feh?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike
EMAIL: mike@whybark.com
IP: 64.58.162.209
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 09/05/2003 12:54:14 PM
voicerec, oh geeky man, voicerec.

also the Thought Mouse.

both of which have yet to be unwired, but, all in good time, eh?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 67.106.83.29
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 09/05/2003 01:11:07 PM
Heil Kampf USA!

I'd love to try to type an email from across the room using a wireless keyboard and binoculars, actually. But thing is, I couldn't stand the idea of my keyboard batteries running out in the middle of some important across-the-room typing.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.191.104.176
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 09/05/2003 01:19:16 PM
I have a microsuck cordless keyboard and mouse, and I love it! Although, I have a habit of mooving the mouse around while I read, so I end up replacing the batteries once a month, which sucks a little.

Can't say I've really used this cordlessness to my advantage much...no toilet typing here. Although, it's so nice to not have the mouse cord getting hung up on the junk on my desk. Woot!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Alicia
EMAIL: saltiest_one@yahoo.com
IP: 67.125.159.208
URL: http://www.niftyfingers.com/panacea
DATE: 09/05/2003 01:25:19 PM
I have a wireless mouse and keyboard, but find the only benefit is when I'm moving my desk around. Gives me more options on where to place things. It really can get quite annoying when I have to ask my 20 month old where she put my mouse.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Craig
EMAIL: craig@craighatfield.com
IP: 148.141.31.14
URL: http://www.craighatfield.com
DATE: 09/05/2003 01:28:38 PM
I had that model. I got sick of the keyboard/mouse losing and regaining it's connection via the wireless/usb link. It may have been the pepsi spilled inside it, but I don't think so. It malfunctioned long before it became sticky. It's on a shelf now, looking sleek and useless.

Craig

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Wendy
EMAIL: wendy@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 66.214.75.0
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/wendy
DATE: 09/05/2003 01:59:30 PM
Oh crap! (literally)

My website feels dirty already.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.1
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 09/05/2003 04:35:51 PM
I ♥ my cordless keyboard and mouse. It's especially useful for when I'm cleaning out the litter box and I have one of those there epiphany things. Hmmm...come to think about it...maybe that's why so many of my entries are about shit. I was telling my sis just lastnight that I was also thinking of putting a micro fridge and microwave in my computer room. She just about shit right there and then. Oops...see there I go again. :)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Enigma
EMAIL: enigmasconundrum@hotmail.com
IP: 68.81.172.42
URL: http://www.hush-nah-chile.net/enigma
DATE: 09/05/2003 07:03:14 PM b#sup2 (hope i remembered) if u get
that toilet/comfy chair thing, hook me up. alright?

hmm you did a post this week with the word tits in it. i did one earlier. anyone else wanna use tits. this should be a tits week. it's not too late.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 09/06/2003 05:19:49 AM
My dream is not a cordless keyboard or mouse. My dream IS, however, a minifridge by the desk! Seriously.

As far as the cordless stuff ... they need batteries once a month? ONCE A MONTH?

I'm way too cheap for that!

In fact, there is only one cordless, battery-operated device that I am willing to keep well-stocked with fresh batteries around here!

What?

It's my smoke detectors!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: sahalie
EMAIL: mary@flong13.com
IP: 67.1.46.3
URL: http://sahalie.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/07/2003 11:32:42 AM
my better half spilled his gin & tonic on our keyboard & now the arrow keys, the delete key, the number pad and the page up/down keys do not work.

it makes it interesting

 

Better Living Through Circuitry, Part II
09/06/2003 02:44:12 AM



- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 09/06/2003 05:12:41 AM
HA! You slay me!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/06/2003 08:27:43 AM
How did you get my handle???

(Is that supposed to be Mary Shelley? You're awesome.)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.130.194
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 09/06/2003 09:36:46 AM
B² RuLeZZZZ!!!!!!!! LMAO!!!!!

ahem.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/06/2003 11:18:48 AM
Blogger isn't working right now, so I'm just going to chill here all day.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/06/2003 11:19:34 AM
So. What's going on?

(whistles aimlessly.)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.24
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/06/2003 11:38:53 AM
You should do what I'm about to do and take a nice loooong nap...

(Hey, I got up at 5am today...)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.191.96.17
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 09/06/2003 11:40:56 AM
That is some funny shit! :-D

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.164.61.228
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 09/06/2003 11:58:31 AM
That is so awesome. =)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: sahalie
EMAIL: mary@flong13.com
IP: 67.1.46.3
URL: http://sahalie.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/07/2003 11:28:43 AM
i love this

hilarious

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: bakiwop
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 68.117.20.27
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 09/07/2003 06:42:25 PM
Mr. Dickens looked a bit like Mr. Shakespeare for the Fiction Slam - when do we get to vote for our favorite story?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: chinh
EMAIL: chinh@chinh.org
IP: 69.22.9.121
URL: http://www.chinh.org
DATE: 09/07/2003 08:43:29 PM
Phunny!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Dymphna
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 195.182.168.59
URL: http://katemonkey.livejournal.com/
DATE: 09/08/2003 02:26:04 AM
A Good Deep Dickens!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.18
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/08/2003 09:04:55 AM
That is some disturbing shit!

 

B²: Writer
09/08/2003 08:54:58 AM

THE RABBIT WHO ATE HAGGIS

Once upon a time there was a rabbit named Steve. One day, Steve met a Scotsman, whose name was Gorgeous MacGillicutty, although this is not relevant to the story, while travelling to a rabbit incontinence product seminar in Orlando, Florida. The Scotsman offered Steve some haggis. "It's good for ye," said Gorgeous MacGillicutty. "'Twill put hair on ye wee balls, so it will."

So Steve ate the haggis, and the next morning he woke up and found between his legs the hairiest set of scrots since Ron Jeremy.

Using his newfound hairy balls power, Steve took over the world and spent the rest of his life humping sexy female rabbits while exercising total control over all world affairs, thanks to the amazing powers of haggis.

THE END

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Marissa
EMAIL: riss@feelingismutual.com
IP: 164.58.89.2
URL: http://www.feelingismutual.com
DATE: 09/08/2003 09:05:36 AM
Haggis eh? Well that explains it then...

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Allie
EMAIL: allie@analyze-this.us
IP: 148.78.243.26
URL: http://www.analyze-this.us
DATE: 09/08/2003 09:43:32 AM
Where does one obtain Haggis?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://rantorama.com
DATE: 09/08/2003 11:08:28 AM
I was reveling in the cuteness of the word "wee", when it was all negated by the appearance of "ron jeremy"

Dude, answer your email. I'm going through B² withdrawls.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: bakiwop
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 68.117.20.27
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 09/08/2003 02:16:46 PM
how exactly does hairy balls power manifest itself?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.209.244
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 09/08/2003 04:15:30 PM
Ewww...haggis.

That story made me giggle. Teehee!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Enigma
EMAIL: enigmasconundrum@hotmail.com
IP: 68.81.172.42
URL: http://www.hush-nah-chile.net/enigma
DATE: 09/08/2003 04:15:36 PM
yeah, but is he still incontinent?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.1
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 09/08/2003 04:49:55 PM
Scrots are funny things. I dunno why. They just are. So if I liken this story to Samson and Delilah, if Steve's hairy balls are cut off, does that mean he loses his power? And if a female bunny ate haggis, does that mean she will grow hairy balls?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 67.106.83.29
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 09/08/2003 05:34:06 PM
Subject Summary: Short story, main character is a rabbit.

Assessment: This is a moral fable, like those of Aesop.

Discerned Moral: In order to be free, kill all rabbits with hairy testicles. (aka: All male rabbits.)

Moral-based Action: Kill rabbits, carve "B !" into carcasses. Free humanity.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Bungee
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 09/09/2003 05:04:51 AM
OK, ya'll have gone too far

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Bungee the bunny
EMAIL: bungee@bungee.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com/albums/album17/May_5_023.thumb.jpg
DATE: 09/09/2003 05:06:19 AM
To see my reaction, click on my name

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.1
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 09/09/2003 08:44:57 AM
Woohooo bunny love! How I miss my bunny. *sniff*

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jen
EMAIL: jen@verybigdesign.com
IP: 24.209.12.237
URL: http://www.verybigdesign.com/verybigblog
DATE: 09/09/2003 07:29:16 PM
never thought i'd read a sentence with both Ron Jeremy and haggis in it.

Not sure I needed to.

 

Reasons Not to Eat a Big Ass Bowl of Chili Right Before Bed #4,391
09/09/2003 08:43:18 AM



In my dream, I was back at my former job, except I wasn't actually an employee -- I just showed up every day and worked as if I belonged there. For a long time nobody noticed, and then they had some departmental shakeup and my boss finally saw me. He was like, "What the hell are you still doing here?"

He was nice, though. Instead of ejecting me from the building, he transferred me to another department and gave me a job sorting mail.

Then the floor started disintegrating, so I woke up.


I used to have the kind of insomnia where you stay up late because you can't get to sleep, but now I've got the kind where you go to sleep just fine, but wake up earlier and earlier. I've been going to bed at midnight and waking up at six o'clock, then five o'clock, and now three o'clock. It's just a matter of time before I start seeing those little bald doctors like in the Stephen King book.


When you wake up early, doesn't it make you extra tired thinking about the fact that you have a whole long day to get through, which is going to be that much longer because you woke up so damn early?


Now they're reduced to suing little girls. Is there no end to their villainy?


I just read that Leni Riefenstahl has died. I find the strangest thing about this story to be the fact that she died at 101 years of age. Famous people aren't supposed to live that long. It's just weird.


Riefenstahl was a great filmmaker, but for me she is most memorable for creating the Nazi propaganda film that I used scenes from to "accent" an interview I shot for a film class, featuring a friend of mine who was an ROTC cadet. I intercut shots of him talking about how cool it was to be in the military and run around with guns and hang out with men, with scenes of Aryan torch bearers and naked Nazis showering and frolicking in the nude.

Oh, and I "forgot" to tell my friend I'd be doing that, and also that I would be gradually zooming in on his face throughout the interview, so that by the end it was just this gigantic pimply face in ultra-closeup. I got an A on the project, but an F from my friend later on when I showed it to him.


Why you should never be friends with me:

I have a long history of inadvertantly (and advertantly) screwing over the friend from the above anecdote, whom I'll call Toshi. You know how sometimes there seems to be one unlucky person that all of your fuckups end up fucking up? That was Toshi.

One time, he rented a porn flick, the beloved classic When Harry Ate Sally. Naturally, I insisted on borrowing it, because, I mean, come on, When Harry Ate Sally, how are you not going to want to see a movie with that title? Besides, it's like two movies in one, since you can watch it once jokingly, and then later, when you're alone, you can watch it again, non-jokingly.

Toshi (the fool) agreed to let me borrow it, on the condition that I return it to the video store for him. I swore that I would. I took it home and watched about 20 minutes of it before realizing that it was the most boring porn flick I had ever seen. I tossed it aside and made a mental note to take it back the next day.

Three days later, I get a phone call from Toshi. "Did you forget something?!" he yells, his voice simmering with hysteria.

Hmm...let's see...wait a minute...what was I supposed to do for Toshi...d'ohhh!!

Apparently Toshi had gone back to the video store to rent something else, and at the counter, the teenaged female cashier informed him that he had a late rental. "Let's see, umm...you still have...[long pause]...When Harry Ate Sally out."

Toshi, assuming (for the last time ever) that I had actually done what I had solemnly vowed I would do, insisted that, in fact, When Harry Ate Sally had been returned.

So the teenaged female cashier, blushing furiously, had to go to the stacks to see if When Harry Ate Sally had in fact been returned. It was not.

"I'm sorry," the teenaged female cashier said, "we don't have When Harry Ate Sally here. You must still have When Harry Ate Sally at home. When Harry Ate Sally, When Harry Ate Sally, When Harry Ate Sally, When Harry Ate Sally."

Anyway, I returned the video, and after a few weeks when Toshi was talking to me again, I slipped him $20 for his trouble.

This reminds me, I haven't seen Toshi in about ten years. For some reason he never returns my phone calls or letters, the jerk.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Andrew
EMAIL: andrew@dayslikethis.org
IP: 66.113.128.10
URL: http://dayslikethis.org
DATE: 09/09/2003 10:34:35 AM
i wonder if someone has compiled a list of porn flicks based on actual film titles. i can only think of one other - saving ryan's privates. a classic, i'm sure.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.7
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/09/2003 10:56:05 AM
Oh yes, my friend. Could there be any doubt that something so crass and tasteless would not find a shrine on the Web?? Did you see the link in the weblog entry? Here is is again: http://www.starma.com/penis/daddyswank/daddyswank.html

My favorites:

Das Booty
Edward Penishands
Interview with a Vibrator
Jack/Off
Mating for Guffman
Oh Brother, Who Fuck Thou?
Queer and Present Danger

and of course...

Bi-Curious George

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.1
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 09/09/2003 11:00:10 AM
The sad thing for me is that entry and the above list is actually making me amorous. I better go take a cold show now thank you very much.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Enigma
EMAIL: enigmasconundrum@hotmail.com
IP: 68.81.172.42
URL: http://www.hush-nah-chile.net/enigma
DATE: 09/09/2003 11:17:19 AM
OMG I LOVE IT.

I almost rented Edward Penishands one day, but it was out. I was just too damn curious.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.7
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/09/2003 11:22:49 AM
After your cold shower, come back and let's watch some Disney classics, like Pornochio...The Loin King...Beauty and the Bitch...if only they put the same creativity in the vids themselves as in the titles....

-----
COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.1
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 09/09/2003 11:40:23 AM
Pornochio!?! Okay...time for shower number 2 thank you very much. ;)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Wendy
EMAIL: wendy@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 66.214.75.0
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/wendy
DATE: 09/09/2003 11:49:34 AM
My favorite is E.T.: The Extra Testicle.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://rantorama.com
DATE: 09/09/2003 01:38:10 PM
I would so seriously pay GOOD MONEY for a copy of the film you made with the Nazi propaganda clips.

I'm so seriously. I would pay good money to see any film you've made.

You should burn them to DVD and sell em.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/09/2003 02:09:05 PM
Nothing will ruin a friendship faster than bad porn.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 09/09/2003 02:25:34 PM
Hehe...good call Mary. I'd like to see the cadet interview film too! And I too would seriously pay some good money. Seriously.;)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.20
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/09/2003 02:28:50 PM
If I can figure out how to hook my VCR up to my PC and digitize me some video, you will all see the fruits of my collegiate labors.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/09/2003 02:49:53 PM
Hey B², I just got a new cell phone. Guess what somg I downloaded as my ringtone?

COME ON! YOU KNOW THIS ONE.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.20
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/09/2003 02:55:27 PM
I'm afraid to even venture a guess.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.20
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/09/2003 03:08:55 PM
It's Huey Lewis, isn't it? ISN'T IT???

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/09/2003 03:17:58 PM
I TOTALLY FORGOT about Huey Lewis! SHIT!!!

It's "Ride Like the Wind", Man.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.20
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/09/2003 03:28:32 PM
AWESOME!!! *playing air guitar to the bridge of "RLTW"*

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: gene
EMAIL: spinward@Hotmail.com
IP: 63.136.96.13
URL: http://www.somethingoutofnothing.net
DATE: 09/09/2003 03:31:31 PM
Send me a copy and I'll make an MP4/WMV for you.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.20
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/09/2003 03:49:07 PM
I appreciate the offer, but if I sent you a copy of the tape, then you'd see what else is on the tape, and...eew. No. You don't want to know. Trust me.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: bakiwop
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 68.117.20.27
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 09/09/2003 05:18:44 PM
damn you all and your porno talk! i've got that song that goes "jokers to the left of me, jokers to the right, here i am, stuck in the middle with you" stuck in my head, except substitute 'boners' for 'joker'. bastards.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.209.137
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 09/09/2003 06:52:41 PM
Can't...stop...laughing...*gasp*

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.157.1.125
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 09/09/2003 10:47:50 PM
I've been wanting to see Edward Penishands ever since Tim Burton said he liked it better than the original!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 09/10/2003 05:05:13 AM
Your mission today, and you have no choice as to whether or not you accept it because you have to, is to get your vcr hooked up to your puter!

consider it your birthday present to me!

Yeah, my birthday was in June, but you didn't know me then.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.130.86
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 09/11/2003 12:20:19 AM
thanks, bakiwop, for passing the boner song virus to me.

...boners to the left of me...boners to the right...

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ~Mel
EMAIL: kiebenkins@yahoo.com
IP: 65.127.120.95
URL: http://heart-stricken.net/melancholia
DATE: 09/11/2003 10:29:46 AM
Your writing is just too funny!!! rofl

 

Reviews of Cheap Ass Wine
09/10/2003 01:34:16 AM

Charles Shaw 2001 Cabernet Sauvignon
Trader Joe's, $2.99

One of Trader Joe's longtime budget offerings, the Charles Shaw Cabernet Sauvignon is one of three available varieties, also including Merlot and Chardonnay. All three are very cheap at $2.99 (excluding tax).

The Cab is distinguished by an extremely cheap bouquet, redolent of economy and cheapness. It combines a low-cost body with a richly inexpensive color that belies its youth and low price. Its flavors are complexly cheap, conveyed initially by a crisply cheap tang followed by a low-budget aftertaste and a clean, cut-rate finish. A wine of this sublime cheapness would be a perfect accompaniment to a free or reduced-price meal.

As with the other wines in the Charles Shaw stable, this 2001 Cabernet offers an uncostly flavor at a reduced price. Cheap and low-priced, it does not skimp on the cheapness of the flavor. Highly and inexpensively recommended.

Score: $2.99

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 09/10/2003 05:03:19 AM
Have you reviewed Riunite Lambrusco yet? It was a staple for me when I was a Catholic high school girl! It came in 4 packs (back when that was uncommon for wine), and fit easily into my ultra-cool, big, honkin' 1985 style purse. This enabled me to drink anywhere, including the movie theater.

Helpful hint: Don't roll your empties down to the front of the movie theater to get rid of the evidence. It makes waaayyyy too much noise. More than you'd expect.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/10/2003 08:05:18 AM
If it comes in a bottle and not in a bag of some sort, then it's oysters and caviar, Baby.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.1
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 09/10/2003 08:48:04 AM
My first experience with cheap wine was with a jug of Tyrolia when I was in junior high. It was like $1.99 testifying to it's cheapness and complete crapiness. We somehow talked my mom into buying it so we could all sit around the tree on Christmas eve, opening presents and toasting each other with a glass of Tyrolia. We all went to visit my aunt earlier that Christmas eve. She lived around the corner from us. My brother and I snuck back home and drank the whole jug. Luckily mom was still in the whole Christmas spirit when she came home and found us all happy and tipsy with an empty bottle. Otherwise she would have grabbed the huge decorative wooden fork off the wall and beat us since we had the foresight to hide the hot wheel tracks from her. Ahhh...memories...

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.35
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/10/2003 10:13:42 AM
Tyrolia...haha. I can just imagine the toast. "Tyrolia!" "Tyrolia!"

I've had one experience drinking wine from a box -- that Franzia stuff. The best I can say for it is that it was free, and I managed to get through it without major gastrointestinal distress. Ah, the desperation of being under 21!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: glenn
EMAIL: peon@contractorpeon.com
IP: 156.153.255.195
URL: http://www.contractorpeon.com/blog/
DATE: 09/10/2003 11:04:16 AM
Charles Shaw @ Trader Joe's is the closest that America will get to copying Europe's pricing policies on wine.

Good stuff.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Kim
EMAIL: mizzkyttie@yahoo.com
IP: 64.223.172.29
URL: http://mizzkyttie.diary-x.com
DATE: 09/10/2003 11:45:11 AM
I'll never forget the one pathetic Valentine's day that I spent sitting in a bubble bath, eating chocolates that I had bought for myself, feeling absolutely pathetic and sorry for myself and getting absolutely wasted on a gallon jug of Ernest and Julio Gallo's Rhine Wine. My roomates came home to me sitting in a cold tub with a few stray suds still clinging tenaciously to life, little black paper candy-cups floating all in the water, and the nearly-empty jug resting on my belly while I stared blearily at the ceiling, too drunk to even take another sip. Whee!

*laughs* Groovebunny, and here I was, thinking I was the only one who'd had the Matchbox car ultra-whiplike car tracks used as "the belt", in a manner entirely unrelated to their real purpose! My mom used to go after me with those -all the time- when I misbehaved. -And- you had the gigantic wooden fork and spoon on the wall? Lemme guess, are you also 1/2 Filipino? We (and every other Filipino family I knew) had a set of those on our wall when I was a kid.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Enigma
EMAIL: enigmasconundrum@hotmail.com
IP: 68.81.172.42
URL: http://www.hush-nah-chile.net/enigma
DATE: 09/10/2003 11:55:37 AM
That's alright. I'll stick with Ripple.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.35
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/10/2003 12:24:40 PM
What's with the gigantic fork and spoon?? We had one of those, too! Although we aren't Filipino...maybe that's why my parents chucked it eventually?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.1
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 09/10/2003 12:50:49 PM
B- You bet the toasts were "Tyrolia!" "Tyrolia!" The best part is that we did em with German accents. Or at least what we perceived in our intoxiated state as German accents. :) I can remember a few parties in college that called for our own version of tequila poppers, the Big Boy and Little Girl Specials, and boxes upon boxes of Franzia!

Kim- It's good to know we weren't the only kids whose parents went after them with hot wheel tracks. But with that line of thought, man I feel for ya. Those things really, really hurt. I think the only reason why my mom bought the matchbox hot wheel tracks was so she'd have an arsonel of weapons on hand since we were such an unruly bunch. hehe. She'd let my brothers have one day to set them up and play with them and then they'd disappear until the days of reckoning. One time she was really pissed at me. She couldn't find any hot wheel tracks, because we found her stash and hid em, so she came at me with a butcher knife. My brother, shocked, screamed at her, "Mom! What are you doing?" She looked at the knife, left the room and came back with the huge wooden fork. To this day I take threats by other people bearing eating utensils tres seriously. ;) And yup. The wooden fork hanging on the wall is a dead give of the filipinoness in moi.;) It was all very traumatic back then, but to this day I tease her endlessly about her hot wheel tracks and wooden fork.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.1
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 09/10/2003 12:55:32 PM
B glad to hear your parents eventually got rid of the wooden fork and spoon. My parents still have theirs! They were cleaning out their garage the other day and asked me if I wanted to inheirit the wooden fork and spoon. I laughed and said "You're joking right?" But I think I hurt their feelings and they were serious. Ooops...

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.136.250.34
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 09/10/2003 08:27:32 PM
But is the wine cheap? I'm on a budget.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Wendy
EMAIL: wendy@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 66.214.75.0
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/wendy
DATE: 09/10/2003 10:22:32 PM
The "two buck chuck" is no longer two bucks???!?!

I hate inflation.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Kim
EMAIL: mizzkyttie@yahoo.com
IP: 64.223.172.29
URL: http://mizzkyttie.diary-x.com
DATE: 09/10/2003 11:19:40 PM
I was actually given a smaller (but still about 3ft long) set of the gigantic fork and spoon, -and- a teeny little rice cooker when I moved out into my very first apartment! The fork and spoon are in storage, the rice cooker, still in my kitchen. B, nobody's ever been able to explain the significance of 'em to me -- but -every- Filipino family I've ever known has a set, irregardless of whether they use 'em or not!

Groovebunny -- Duuude, yeah those tracks hurt! I seriously believe that whoever it was working in the R&D Department at Hot Wheels at the time those were created was a serious sadist. It's funny about Filipino moms, isn't it? They're sweeter than anyone you'll ever know, 'til you piss 'em off. Then BAM! All of a sudden there's this teeny-tiny little woman going all Incredible Hulk-style, throwing couches through the wall....Unbelievable, 'til you've witnessed it. *laughs*

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jeff
EMAIL: tambrnman@hotmail.com
IP: 68.69.20.166
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/intersensei
DATE: 09/11/2003 05:07:33 PM
Not even kidding, I just had a wine tasting party (wine guzzling party) last week. 8 bottles of Charles Shaw showed up!! cheap bastards! We nicknamed it the Charles Shaw release party.

 

Old School
09/10/2003 02:42:13 AM

Congratulations to Xkot on his fourth fantastico year as a weblogger. The weird thing to me is how much of the stuff he was talking about back then is stuff that people still talk about today, like Warcraft III and of course the infamous Hello Kitty vibrator. Not only is Xkot old school, but he was ahead of his time. In fact, I just noticed that he totally scooped me by four years in blogging about the Japanese squat toilet. Who's the man??*

I don't remember how long I've been doing this. I started sort of a "humor" site sometime around 1998 or 1999, but I don't think I began my first actual weblog until early 2000. Man, I thought I was the shit because I used cool retro dingbat fonts in my template design. It's not like now, where I'm the shit because I use cool retro scanned magazine ads in my template designs. You've gotta keep learning and growing if you want to stay ahead of the pack.

* Answer: Xkot

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Suzette
EMAIL: SuzetteTraveler@yahoo.com
IP: 209.210.95.7
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/suzette
DATE: 09/10/2003 05:31:32 AM
I remember a long-ago IM with Xkot in which he revealed that women think of him as a man-mountain, a positive image hard to forget.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: monique
EMAIL: coffeenated@yahoo.com
IP: 63.113.240.126
URL: http://monique.typepad.com
DATE: 09/10/2003 05:40:17 AM
I remember one time Xkot took a picture of me bending over and made it look like George W. Bush was grabbing my butt.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ezrael
EMAIL: ezrael@onebox.com
IP: 4.40.2.119
URL:
DATE: 09/10/2003 12:25:19 PM
Not only is Xkot the man, he's also a founding member of Kid n'Play. You don't believe? Then be enlightened.

In case you strip html, the linkage is http://www.xkot.net/archives/001534.html#001534

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 64.208.80.95
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 09/10/2003 03:53:39 PM


Wow, thanks man. That's probably the nicest post anyone has made about me. For the record, your various sites have always been ones I looked up to as examples of what makes a great weblog. -----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.16
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/10/2003 04:19:12 PM
Hey, never mind my post, look at these comments! I wish someone would think of me as a man-mountain! Instead of a boy-lump.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 64.208.80.95
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 09/10/2003 07:38:41 PM
That girl who called me a man mountain also once asked if I would fornicate with her socket if she poked out her eye. Don't be too jealous.

 

The Day Shit Got Real
09/11/2003 01:50:58 AM

What I remember most about 9/11 is nothing. Just feeling blank and empty and numb inside, not even certain if I'd woken up in the same world I'd gone to sleep in the night before. At some point the enormity of the horror and suffering overwhelmed my ability to comprehend, and part of my brain just gave up, threw in the towel, and went away to someplace sunny and warm where airplanes don't fly into skyscrapers.

What I remember most about 9/12 and afterwards is that Americans suddenly remembered that they were Americans. It's sad that tragedy seems to be the shortest path to patriotism, but people finally woke up and realized that their country meant something more to them than a paycheck.

For a while, laughter died. Many of us amateur wiseacres discovered that nothing was funny anymore. I guess there's something about tens of thousands of people dying horribly in your own country that tends to dull the funnybone. I know, I don't get it either, but there it is.

Some pundits wondered if America's sense of humor would ever be the same again. I thought of the jaunty innocence of comedy in the 1930's and the vert beginning of the 40's, films like "His Girl Friday." Then Pearl Harbor happened, and laughter died then, too. When it came back, it wasn't quite the same. It was still funny, but darker, more sober, less decadent.

The comic geniuses at The Onion published their amazing, weirdly cathartic post-9/11 issue, and we all sighed in relief as the laughter started again, tentatively. It would never be the same as on 9/10, but it had the same healing properties.

Watching the comedians try to make sense of what had happened and find something to laugh at in the midst of all this horror, I couldn't help but admire them. Out of all of our entertainers, they had the toughest jobs ahead of them.

I guess that's why it's fitting that the post-9/11 commentary that affected me most was by, of all people, Jon Stewart from the Daily Show. Two years later, it's still the voice I remember best -- earnest, but light, more absurd than ironic. A couple of my favorite passages from his monologue:

A lot of folks have asked me, "What are you going to do when you get back? What are you going to say?"... I don t see it as a burden at all. I see it as a privilege. I see it as a privilege and everyone here does see it that way.... Just even the idea that we can sit in the back of the country and make wise cracks, which is really what we do. We sit in the back and we throw spitballs, but never forgetting the fact that is a luxury in this country that allows us to do that. This is a country that allows for open satire, and I know that sounds basic and it sounds as though it goes without saying - but that s really what this whole situation is about. It s the difference between closed and open.... "Subliminable" is not a punch line anymore. One day it will become that again, and Lord willing, it will become that again because that means we have ridden out the storm.

The reason I don t despair is because this attack happened. It s not a dream. But the aftermath of it, the recovery is a dream realized. And that is Martin Luther King's dream. Whatever barriers we've put up are gone even if it's momentary. We're judging people by not the color of their skin but the content of their character. You know, all this talk about "These guys are criminal masterminds. They ve gotten together and their extraordinary guile and their wit and their skill." It's a lie. Any fool can blow something up. Any fool can destroy. But to see these guys, these firefighters, these policemen and people from all over the country, literally, with buckets rebuilding. That's extraordinary. That's why we've already won. It's light. It's democracy. We've already won. They can't shut that down. They live in chaos and chaos it can't sustain itself. It never could. It's too easy and it's too unsatisfying.

The view from my apartment was the World Trade Center and now it's gone. They attacked it. This symbol of American ingenuity and strength and labor and imagination and commerce and it is gone. But you know what the view is now? The Statue of Liberty. The view from the south of Manhattan is now the Statue of Liberty. You can't beat that.

Two years later, it still gets to me.

Some people bemoan the fact that the country has moved on in many ways since 9/11. Sometimes it's hard to tell from listening to some people that 9/11 even happened. I don't know if that's a good thing or bad thing. I recognize the need to hold on to the memory. I also believe that the best revenge against terrorists is to stop them from achieving their ultimate goal, to disrupt our lives and strike fear into our hearts. Sometimes laughter is the best weapon.

 

The Day Before Shit Got Real
09/11/2003 02:39:41 AM

I was all set to post an entry about 9/11, and it would have been poignant and some of you sensitive types would have cried, but then I thought, you know what, I have nothing to say about this that hasn't been said a thousand times before, and a thousand times better. The best post-9/11 commentary I ever heard was by Jon Stewart on the Daily Show. He nailed it. I suggest you all go there and listen to it once.

Instead, I'd like to commemorate 9/10, that hazy, happy time of innocence when airliners didn't crash into skyscrapers and Osama bin Laden was just some kook hiding out in the Middle East. It was a time of laughter and warmth and security, where the worst of our problems was dying from an incurable autoimmune system disorder or disintegrating from a flesh-eating virus or being mail-bombed by some freak in Montana or being carjacked by a crack-addled gangbanger. Those were the days.

So, in keeping with the 9/10 spirit, here's an old entry from my Asian Bastard weblog from September 6th. My actual 9/10 entry I deleted in horror after waking up the next morning and finding out what had happened. I don't remember what that entry was even about, but I do recall it being just about the most insipid and shallow thing I'd ever written.

As for 9/11, I think these people say it better than I ever could:








Editor's Note: Asian Bastard is currently on vacation. In his absence, we are pleased and honored to welcome as guest blogger the hip hop artist Jay Z.

Hard Knock Life

At the outset of my first blog entry for Asian Bastard, I'd like to thank Mr. Bastard for the opportunity to express myself in this forum. As a rap artist, it is a rare opportunity indeed when I am able to speak my mind freely, outside of the constraints of my chosen art form. Though my lyrics and stage persona may suggest otherwise, the hip hop lifestyle is not merely what is referred to in the vernacular as "bitches and money." Indeed, the myriad demands of the "thug life" and the need to satisfy the fans can place an onerous burden on even the most stalwart rap musician.

Like many hip hop artists, I got my start on the Borscht Belt, playing resorts and nightclubs in the Catskills during the lucrative summer season. Though some of you may imagine the resort circuit as a romantic escapade, for a struggling young unknown like myself it was anything but. At Grossinger's, for instance, one of the swankiest hotels in the Catskills, I rarely enjoyed the luxurious amenities the resort provided; rather, I spent my days onstage in the auditorium, rehearsing under the apprenticeship of such legendary old school performers as Shecky Greene, Red Skelton (God rest his soul), and Grandmaster Melle Mel. It was a demanding life, but I was on Cloud Nine, fulfilling a lifelong dream of singing and dancing, and pursuing an even grander vision of stardom. As Shecky told me once, "If you want it, you need only dream it." I have kept those words close to my heart ever since.

During my apprenticeship, I often kept the company of other young artists, some of whom went on to achieve great success. For instance, perhaps the name Anne Murray means something to you? Today she has millions of fans around the world, but "back in the day" she was just another struggling singer/songwriter. Annie and I were best pals from the beginning. She helped me through some tough times, and I was a shoulder for her to cry on when she hit the many potholes on her road to fame. In fact, her song "You Needed Me" was inspired by our friendship. When I hear that song, and such lyrics as "You held my hand / When it was cold / When I was lost / You took me home / You gave me hope / When I was at the end / And turned my life / Back into truth again," it's hard to keep the tears from springing to my eyes, I kid you not! I haven't talked to Anne in many years, but she remains one of my closest friends.

Now, this isn't a very well-known fact, and I have actually only told this story to a few close friends, but my first real break in the business came at the hands of none other than showbiz legend Buddy Hackett. He was just finishing up a smash run on Broadway with The Music Man, and I was fortunate enough to attend one of his farewell performances. Backstage, I ran into an old Catskills chum who happened to be Buddy's road manager. The next thing I knew, I was in Buddy's dressing room, face to face with one of my greatest idols! Now, Buddy has a rep for being a hard-nosed, abrasive fellow, but I must have caught him on a good night, for he was unfailingly kind to this struggling rap artist. "Kid," Buddy said, chomping on a huge Cuban cigar that must have cost more than my monthly salary, "this business is all about image. It's all about marketing yourself. Find your niche and play it for all it's worth."

Wise words indeed. I thanked Buddy and prepared to leave his dressing room. As I turned, Buddy added, "You got talent, kid! I haven't seen hip hop stylin' like yours since Big Daddy Kane rocked the house at the Tropicana." I was stunned! Tears sprang to my eyes as I thanked Buddy profusely for his extravagant -- and totally undeserved -- praise. Buddy not only accepted my thanks, but put in a good word for me at Caesar's Atlantic City, where I had my first "real" show.

And the rest, as they say, is history. My rise to stardom is already amply documented, so I won't go into it here. But now that I'm at the top of my game and rousing audiences to their feet from Atlantic City to Fresno, I haven't forgotten my Borscht Belt roots or the people who brought me here. And no matter where I go from here, I'll always have a song on my lips and love in my heart for my mentors and fellow travellers on the long hard road to success. "Big ups" and "props" to all of my "homies!"

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jen
EMAIL: jen@pixeldecor.com
IP: 24.209.12.237
URL: http://www.verybigdesign.com/verybigblog
DATE: 09/11/2003 05:18:35 AM
http://www.exhibit13.com

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Andrew
EMAIL: andrew@dayslikethis.org
IP: 66.113.128.10
URL: http://dayslikethis.org
DATE: 09/11/2003 08:30:32 AM
a little bit of levity is most welcome on a day like today.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.32
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/11/2003 09:45:56 AM
If we can't give Jay-Z his props, then the terrorists have already won.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: toys
EMAIL: veronicatoysbrock@earthlink.net
IP: 69.34.154.226
URL: http://toysbrock.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/13/2003 12:23:50 AM
Jon does often, nail it, quite well.

 

Grief Nazis
09/11/2003 03:56:13 PM

I wasn't going to write about 9/11 today, but there is one subject that has come up a couple of times in the past few days that I can't keep quiet about.

Do you have the right to grieve?

I'm talking to the people who aren't from New York City or Washington D.C. or Pennsylvania, who weren't there that day, who didn't lose anyone that day, who didn't know anyone who lost anyone that day. To people who have no connection to the tragedy except that they're also Americans.

Some have been attacked for expressing sadness over 9/11, because they suffered no personal loss and therefore have no "right" to mourn this tragedy. Many feel ashamed of their grief because, again, they weren't there, and nobody they loved was there.

People, this is not Woodstock. This is not fucking Lollapalooza. There is no official t-shirt.

I can't imagine anything more petty than arguing over whether this person is more entitled to his or her grief than this person. Human beings died. Please remove your heads from between your buttocks and realize that there are larger issues here than whether or not everyone's got a valid membership in the 9/11 Mourner's Club.

But hey, maybe you're right. Only people directly, geographically affected by the tragedy should have any right to mourn. So why stop there? From now on, only Hawaiians are allowed to be sad over Pearl Harbor. And no one who didn't lose a relative in the Holocaust is allowed to cry during Schindler's List.

In fact, let's just make it super simple. From now on, no one is allowed to give a shit about anyone outside their own social circle. Because obviously the idea of being one nation under God no longer means a damn thing.

I mourn the deaths of the 9/11 victims because death is a horrible thing. And because those people died for no other reason than that they were working on American soil and flying on American airplanes. As tragic as those deaths are, let's not forget that those people were not the targets of this terrorist act. America was the target, and the objective was not merely to kill people but to demoralize and strike fear into every American.

In a sense we are all victims, who will be haunted by this event until every single person responsible is brought to justice and, hopefully, fed feet-first into one of Saddam's old wood chippers, since he's not using them anymore.

If you feel ashamed to grieve, don't. If you are American, mourn the loss of fellow Americans and the wound inflicted on our nation. If you are not American, mourn the loss of fellow human beings and this crime against humanity.

If you'd rather just go rent a Jim Carrey movie and kick back with a bag of Bugles, do that, because you are free to mourn or not mourn as you please. That's the whole point of being American. Something some of us seem to have forgotten.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Robin
EMAIL: brain-dump@diaryland.com
IP: 68.75.92.191
URL: http://brain-dump.diaryland.com
DATE: 09/11/2003 04:52:12 PM
YEAH! what you said! So true.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.135.132.128
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 09/11/2003 08:01:22 PM
Anyone has the right to feel the way they do. That kind of elitist attitude is ridiculous and sad. It reminds me of when, two years ago, I got all these calls from people I hadn't talked to in ages, asking if I was okay. When I told them I was fine and hadn't even gone into Manhattan that morning, they seemed really disappointed. I felt like they were wishing I had died so they could be "cooler" or something.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.128.22
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 09/11/2003 09:08:23 PM
this attitude reminds me of a speech i heard last year. a prominent poet (so prominent i've forgotten her name) posed the question of whether gentiles have the right to summon images of the holocaust to illustrate human travesty.

like BOB points out, we recognize false sentiments when we hear them.

but do jews have patents on holocaust grief? do new yorkers have patents on their 9/11 grief? no! these events were fucking HORRIBLE. the more we as the human race remember them, the better - the more likely we are to remember and never, to the best of our individual and collective circumstances, let it happen again.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 09/11/2003 09:59:26 PM
"It is the doom of man that they forget." ~Merlin/"Exacalibur"

B, that was so beautifully said.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Allie
EMAIL: allie@analyze-this.us
IP: 148.78.243.25
URL: http://www.analyze-this.us
DATE: 09/11/2003 11:42:46 PM
Nothing comes to mind that would add to this truth, B. The key words for me are: "Something some of us seem to have forgotten."

Probably one of the main reasons we were able to be attacked in the first place.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Suzette
EMAIL: SuzetteTraveler@yahoo.com
IP: 209.210.95.7
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/suzette
DATE: 09/12/2003 04:40:44 AM
Things were so intense if you were a resident of the metro area two years ago. It was impossible to escape the endless media coverage, local news analysis, personal stories (three degrees removed) of the clean-up and sorting of remains - these things went on weeks and months longer and got more prominent media play than they did in the other parts of the country. 5 weeks later, I left the area for the weekend. Even though it was only 200 miles away, I was shocked to find that reminders were not in my face every minute and it was not the number one topic of discssion.

Over that first year, as I traveled around the country, I realized that the personal threat level diminished greatly in the heartland and people there were much more laid-back about the implications of the attack. There were times that I wanted to stop the baseball talk and the vacation planning that was going on around me to brinjg people back to dwell on the horro of it all. Generalizations, of course, but maybe this is what you are seeing now: "None kept the vigil like we did; don't show up now and try to crash our pity party."

And yeah, Bob - I also had the feeling that people were disappointed that I had no first hand stories to tell, but wanted them more for gossip's sake than for sympathetic reasons. I don't know.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 09/12/2003 05:12:51 AM
Thanks B. Very well said. So of course, I had to quote you.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: june
EMAIL: junemiller31@hotmail.com
IP: 206.40.41.253
URL: http://louveciennes.diaryland.com
DATE: 09/12/2003 08:57:45 AM
Well said!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/12/2003 04:17:15 PM
Good point, but I think the Grief Nazi thing can go both ways. To be completely honest, I really don't feel any connection to 9/11. There are all these messages about how this is a national tragedy, and I can understand that for many people it is a tragedy, but I don't feel like it's one for me. I mean, I live in a tiny town in Michigan, and if this is THE EVENT THAT CHANGED AMERICA FOREVER, things pretty much looks the same from here. It's just that everyone keeps saying that it's okay to cry, and so I feel like shit for not crying. Know what I'm saying?

So, yeah, I'm a self-centered asshole. But we knew that.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: toys
EMAIL: veronicatoysbrock@earthlink.net
IP: 69.34.154.226
URL: http://toysbrock.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/13/2003 12:22:22 AM
actually, there was a t-shirt.

What a hot item that'll be, I mean in ten+ years, when all the, um, grief (I mean guilt) wears off.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Tom Working
EMAIL: tworking@aol.com
IP: 172.137.238.55
URL: http://www.fal.net/wm/
DATE: 09/15/2003 06:06:23 PM
...what?

 

Japan's Oldest Person Has No Idea Why She is Still Alive, Willing to Guess Anyway
09/12/2003 02:13:55 AM



The oldest living person in Japan, Kamato Hongo, who turns 116 on Friday

, attributed her longevity to her unusual practice of sleeping for 2 days straight, then staying up for 2 days straight.

"This nice reporter asked me how I managed to stay alive for so long," Hongo later confided to her family. "How the heck should I know? It's not like I planned it this way. So I just made up some stuff about how I sleep for two days and stay awake for two days. She seemed pretty happy with that."

"Nobody in our family knows how she's lived so long, including her," said Shizue Kurauchi, Hongo's 79-year-old daughter. "But this two-day cycle thing sounds pretty convincing. Mom's been cracking up ever since, imagining every poor schlub in Japan staying up for two days in a row scarfing No-Doz, trying to live to be 100."

Doctors at the Sleep Disorders Center at the Mayo Clinic expressed skepticism about Hongo's claim. "Anyone who keeps themselves awake for 48 consecutive hours thinking they're gonna live forever is pretty much of a clamhead," said Dr. Julian Jagadeesan. "Frankly, I suspect we're all being 'Punk'd' by this elderly lady."

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Suzette
EMAIL: SuzetteTraveler@yahoo.com
IP: 209.210.95.7
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/suzette
DATE: 09/12/2003 04:44:55 AM
Up for two days and then sleep for two days? She'd be perfect in a frat house.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: bakiwop
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 68.117.20.27
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 09/12/2003 05:04:10 AM
all right! now we can start betting on whether or not she'll make it to her 116th birthday!

crap, i feel so guilty for even suggesting that now...

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 09/12/2003 05:05:31 AM
"Clamhead"?? "Punk'd"??

B, where did you learn all those technical medical terms?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.7
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/12/2003 05:32:15 AM
Why, from the Physician's Desk Reference, of course.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.135.132.128
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 09/12/2003 06:45:17 AM
Wow, that's the same sleep schedule I was on when I was unemployed!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://rantorama.com
DATE: 09/12/2003 07:46:38 AM
Aaah, the PDR! The premiere resource on anything you'd ever want to know about drugs! How many patients out of 1,000 developed vertigo while on placebo during clinical trials for Monistat? Only the PDR knows for sure!

Seriously though, is the pic REALLY of a 115 year old lady?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.20
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/12/2003 07:52:12 AM
Oh yes, she's for real! See the article I linked to in the entry.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.1
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 09/12/2003 08:28:24 AM
Man that's totally wild! 20,561 centenarians living in Japan? I'll take some of what they're having. I wonder what the running total is in the US and worldwide for that matter.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.18
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/12/2003 12:28:22 PM
You'd think a nation that drinks a beverage called Pocari Sweat would have a lower life expectancy. But then again, maybe it's the Pocari Sweat that's keeping them alive?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.117.192.66
URL: http://theshakedown.diaryland.com
DATE: 09/12/2003 12:38:09 PM
That's just loony.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/12/2003 12:39:04 PM
I'm 117.

I win.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Enigma
EMAIL: enigmasconundrum@hotmail.com
IP: 68.81.172.42
URL: http://www.hush-nah-chile.net/enigma
DATE: 09/12/2003 03:17:00 PM
roflmfao *snort*

I really hate when doctor's use such high sidity words like "clamhead". B2 you really must stop quoting people who use such technical jargon. We're all not as wise and learned as you.

*snort*

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 09/13/2003 06:35:44 AM
Oh ME? Click on a link? That would be too obviously smart! (embarassed)

Anyway, who would want to live that long? I can't afford my life right now, and I work two jobs! How could I EVER save enough money for retirement to carry me through for 40+ more years?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ezrael
EMAIL: ezrael@onebox.com
IP: 4.40.2.119
URL:
DATE: 09/13/2003 01:07:01 PM
Every time I click on the link, it tells me that there's no such article.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.14
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/13/2003 01:18:33 PM
Oops -- link must have expired. Shit, I guess I could make up whatever wacky fake Japanese news I please and just use that real-looking URL.

----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ezrael
EMAIL: ezrael@onebox.com
IP: 4.40.2.119
URL:
DATE: 09/14/2003 02:37:50 PM
*Narrows eyes* Why yes, I suppose you *could.* But you wouldn't do that, would you?

*Scribbles in notepad, speaks into watch, does other odd and suspicious things.*

 

B-Peat: Hi & Taoist
09/15/2003 07:34:57 AM


originally posted February 15, 2002

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 216.204.40.2
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com/weblog
DATE: 09/15/2003 07:44:29 AM
HAHAHAH! It's funny AND true.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://rantorama.com
DATE: 09/15/2003 08:02:59 AM
Aaah, the comics are wise and have much to teach us.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.1
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 09/15/2003 09:33:44 AM
I used to work at the speed of a mofo on crack. Sure it was good for my career, but the stress to always do better than my best was a ball breaker. When I discovered I couldn't sleep at night because I was laying awake thinking of ways to prioritize work projects, or planning access queries to try out the next day it became apparent to me that the more work I completed the more work there was to get done.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: bakiwop
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 68.117.20.27
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 09/15/2003 11:00:27 AM
i'm a stupid westerner. i've tried living without and living with, i just prefer living with.

damn conspicuous consumption!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Miel
EMAIL: happymiel@yahoo.com
IP: 166.70.179.53
URL: http://www.faeriemiel.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/15/2003 12:30:25 PM
For now, I think I'd take money over happiness. Both seem terribly elusive.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Suzette
EMAIL: SuzetteTraveler@yahoo.com
IP: 216.44.68.52
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/suzette
DATE: 09/15/2003 05:15:16 PM
Money is never the most important thing unless you don't have any. Then it is the answer to everything.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Smivey
EMAIL: smivey@yahoo.com
IP: 64.172.196.120
URL: http://smivey.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/15/2003 08:17:07 PM
Ha ha ha! It's funny because it's snowing!

 

B-Peat: Amazingly Bad Science Fiction Stories #1
09/16/2003 07:41:24 AM


DAYSLEEPER

Slattery burst into the Temporal Control Room and aimed his ion pistol at a spot just between the eyebrows of the Time Lord. "Sic semper tyrannis!" Slattery screamed as his finger tensed on the trigger.

"Wait!" the Time Lord cried, his hands raised in alarm. "Why are you doing this?"

"Isn't it obvious?" Slattery snarled. "You keep our people in slavery, without control over our own lives!"

"What are you talking about?" the Time Lord protested. "All I do is enforce our law, which is that all citizens must spend 12 hours of each day in cryogenic suspension. We created this law because of rampant overpopulation. This way, half of our people enjoy the benefits of our society at any one time, thus making efficient use of valuable living space and resources!"

"Pfah!" Slattery spat. "Lovely words, Time Tyrant -- and a convenient excuse to steal half of our lives -- the half we spend rotting in those damned cryo tanks!"

"But your body is perfectly preserved while in the cryogenic storage capsule," the Time Lord replied. "You don't age at all in cryo sleep...so effectively, we're actually doubling your lives by spreading your total life expectancy over twice the usual number of years."

Slattery pondered this for a moment. "Oh...yeah, you're right," he mumbled, frowning. "I hadn't thought of it that way before. Sorry -- my bad."

"Don't worry about it, my good chap!" grinned the Time Lord, whose real name was Bill Evans.

THE END

originally posted May 6, 2003

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Allie
EMAIL: allie@analyze-this.us
IP: 148.78.243.26
URL: http://www.analyze-this.us
DATE: 09/16/2003 07:48:24 AM
Uhm. Uh.... Well. Ahem. Does the Fiction Bitch know about this?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: bakiwop EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 68.117.20.27
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 09/16/2003 10:22:06 AM
that silly slattery...also talking before he /thinks/ about anything!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://rantorama.com
DATE: 09/16/2003 11:16:28 AM
"... whose real name was Bill Evans."

HAHAHAHA!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Miel
EMAIL: miel@miel.com
IP: 166.70.179.53
URL:
DATE: 09/16/2003 02:41:44 PM
That is choice.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.1
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 09/16/2003 04:35:36 PM
True. True.:)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike
EMAIL: mike@whybark.com
IP: 216.173.212.237
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 09/16/2003 05:26:12 PM
Amazingly, Alan Dean Foster managed to actually turn this into a continuing, painfully pointless series of insipid potboiler SF:

Dayworld
Dayworld Rebel
Dyworld Breakup


http://users.castel.nl/~nuniz01/NovCol/NCd1.htm

Lord, they are terrible. t actually extends the stuff that he did best in 'Riverworld' but do not read these books unless you enjoy realizing there's a fine line between terrible and really really terrible.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.29
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/16/2003 07:24:16 PM
Yes! You're the first person to catch that, but yeah, my little story was a parody of those books. Aren't they by Philip Jose Farmer, though?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: SpyWhoLovedYou@aol.com
IP: 64.252.186.99
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 09/16/2003 07:24:51 PM
I hope Jeremy Irons plays the Time Lord in the movie!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike
EMAIL: mike@whybark.com
IP: 216.173.212.237
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 09/17/2003 11:01:48 AM
D'oh, of course.

I was Googling around on Foster for a good five minits before I realized what a doofus I izz.

Now, there's this.

Alan Dean Foster, of course, is the author whose name shall forever shine in lights for is yeoman work on adaptations of the Star Trek anmated series and the first Star Wars novel, "Splinter of the Minds Eye."

The scene in the second Star Wars flick where Luke cuts off Vader's haid in the bayou is drawn directly from 'Splinter'

And I was profoundly disappointed when I finally saw the animated Treks and realized what a cut-rate mess they were, compared to the amazing lengths that Foster went in his adptations.

He's still a hack, though.

 

September Slam!
09/16/2003 07:48:08 AM

The Slam page isn't even up yet [UPDATE: It's up], and already with the next one? This month's slam will be a quickie, since I took so damn long getting the other one together.

Deadline is Tuesday, September 30th!

Send Your Entry

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/16/2003 08:46:35 AM
It's like your begging for maxipad fiction.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.1
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 09/16/2003 12:44:55 PM
Maxipads? I have a whole stash in my office under my desk! :)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.96.2
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 09/16/2003 04:06:34 PM
Hey, that's my office!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Smivey
EMAIL: smivey@yahoo.com
IP: 64.172.196.120
URL: http://smivey.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/16/2003 09:07:47 PM
What gives? I tried to send my entry and it came back rejected. I was expecting the rejection. Just not this fast.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.29
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/16/2003 09:35:31 PM
Weird -- the only reasons I can think of would be that either the e-mail address was incorrect (happens a lot with me when I'm converting spam-protected addresses to real ones), or my web host's mail server was having a hiccup, which has happened a few times lately. Try sending it again to fictionslam at weirdsmobile.com and I'll let you know if it comes through okay.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://rantorama.com
DATE: 09/17/2003 07:01:59 AM
I wish I had the attention span to make a fiction slam entry. "Caption this photo slam", maybe ...

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Smivey
EMAIL: smivey@yahoo.com
IP: 64.172.196.120
URL: http://smivey.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/17/2003 07:53:04 AM
Actually, that's all mine is. Just a caption. Guess I won't be winning.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.7
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/17/2003 08:03:00 AM
Hey, some of the most powerful stories are the shortest ones. I'm not sure that rule applies to captions, but you never know!

 

If This is the Pet, I'd Hate to See the Owner...
09/17/2003 04:46:48 AM

Normally I'd rather stick pins in my eyes than post photos of cats, but I think you'll agree that this one must be seen:



More amusing drunk pics...

Link via Drunken Blogger

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://rantorama.com
DATE: 09/17/2003 07:00:42 AM
Moose is a cuter drunk than that stupid cat!

http://www.rantorama.com/gallery/jun03/1m726_005

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.134.29
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 09/17/2003 08:06:12 AM
i could make a musculist joke about beer and pussy, but i won't.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 216.204.40.2
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com/weblog
DATE: 09/17/2003 10:48:48 AM
Hrmmm. Definitely cute, but I think I'd rather go with the pin-to-the-eye thing...

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://rantorama.com
DATE: 09/17/2003 10:48:58 AM
I could make a musculist joke .

.. But I don't know what 'musculist' means.

;-)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.7
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/17/2003 10:53:30 AM
Ms. Lauren makes her own fun.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56nospam@yahoo.com
IP: 65.45.150.7
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 09/17/2003 11:36:38 AM
That picture is hilarious! He's even got his hand in his crotch! Mua ha ha. It doesn't qualify as "cute" by any stretch, so it's OK to post. That's a cat a man could like.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.1
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 09/17/2003 11:39:43 AM
Hehe. I was looking at that pic earlier noticing the paw on the crotch and the other paw on the remote. Wonder if he's watching kittie porn. Bad kitty!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.7
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/17/2003 11:45:41 AM
Kittie porn!? Good one!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: chinh
EMAIL: chinh@chinh.org
IP: 69.22.9.121
URL: http://www.chinh.org
DATE: 09/17/2003 07:36:35 PM
LOL

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.136.27
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/ DATE: 09/17/2003 10:04:46 PM
bah. i am no longer allowed to make fun of other people's typos. i officially suck.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 09/18/2003 05:11:31 AM
You can make fun of anything you want honey! :-)

Oh, except me. Hee!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B
EMAIL: bs_liang@hotmail.com
IP: 65.151.228.10
URL:
DATE: 09/18/2003 09:18:43 AM
i have an animated version of that cat.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Enigma
EMAIL: enigmasconundrum@hotmail.com
IP: 68.81.172.42
URL: http://www.hush-nah-chile.net/enigma
DATE: 09/18/2003 05:46:56 PM
oh i love that pix. i've had it for a little over a year. it was my favorite til i got el gato.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jane
EMAIL: shiznit@social-reject.com
IP: 24.205.96.48
URL: http://www.social-reject.com
DATE: 09/19/2003 06:48:38 PM
And what, exactly, is wrong with cat pictures? The cats are often better looking than their owners...well, in my case, anyway.

 

Amazon Deal of the Day
09/17/2003 11:37:57 AM

Check out the sale on these headphones!



These prices are CRAZY!

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.1
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 09/17/2003 12:08:07 PM
For a $1,000,000.00 that headset better be able to do the dishes* prepare scrummy 5 course meals for me to devour in less than 5 minutes* do the laundry* clean the bathrooms* mow my lawn* scoop the cat litter* pick up dog poop* and be an occassional romantic partner in a non-sexual way.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://rantorama.com
DATE: 09/17/2003 12:11:08 PM
Hey! Who are you to question the wisdom of large corporations? If they say you need to give them #1,000,000.00, then by God you'd better get out the checkbook!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: bakiwop
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 68.117.20.27
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 09/17/2003 01:20:18 PM
woowee! that's not good crazy like stripping naked and running through park crazy, that's bad crazy like two-for-one enema coupon crazy.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Smivey
EMAIL: smivey@yahoo.com
IP: 64.172.196.120
URL: http://smivey.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/17/2003 03:07:47 PM
Wait a minute. You mean it's not a good deal? Well, there goes another million bucks down the drain. Mummy and Daddy are going to be very angry.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/17/2003 03:27:39 PM
I agree with The Bunny of Groove. Only "sexual partner in a non-romantic way".

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.138.240.112
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 09/17/2003 07:30:45 PM
I like one of the reviews:

"These headphones are the best. They produce good sound. They also are comfortable. The price is fitting also."

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: chinh
EMAIL: chinh@chinh.org
IP: 69.22.9.121
URL: http://www.chinh.org
DATE: 09/17/2003 07:35:10 PM
3 stars? Shiiiiiiiat!!!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: SpyWhoLovedYou@aol.com
IP: 64.252.186.99
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 09/17/2003 09:16:50 PM
If they said that didn't qualify for Super Saver Shipping just because it's in Electronics, I'd cancel my order.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/18/2003 03:45:35 PM
BOB, that review sounds like something Smoove B would write.

"These headphones will sex you all night long. Damn."

-----
COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Steve
EMAIL: steveurich@yahoo.com
IP: 66.160.97.130
URL: http://www.zealous.org/blog/blog.asp
DATE: 09/24/2003 11:24:29 AM
Sure the six used ones are about a million dollars cheaper, but do you really want someone elses ear germs on your hearphones.

 

The Dog Days of August, September, October...
09/19/2003 08:15:06 AM

I'm all discombobulated lately. I'm not "feeling it." I'm "off my game." I'm "mentally sluggish." I'm "quotation happy."

As you can see from this week's repeats and "look at this funny picture" entries, the creative whirlwind that is B² has ebbed to a vague stirring of dead leaves in the back of a shed.

Oddly, this mental lethargy coincides with my falling back into a normal sleep schedule for the first time. Which leads me to the undeniable conclusion that normal sleep is the enemy of creativity. Only through insomnia and related sleep disorders can you unlock your hidden potential.

Of course, the bitter irony (is there any other kind?) is that now that I'm trying to stay up later, I'm falling asleep earlier and earlier!

I need to clear my head and straighten shit out. Perhaps a sabbatical is in order. A sabbatical? No, nothing so mundane. A spiritual renewal.

A VISION QUEST.



No, not that kind!



That's more like it!



Oh yeah, that's the stuff.



Just like that!



Damn yeah!!



Ah, god damn it.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/19/2003 09:49:35 AM
You know what you need? You need to watch The Dark Crystal. Come over. We'll watch it together.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Smivey
EMAIL: smivey@yahoo.com
IP: 64.172.199.188
URL: http://smivey.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/19/2003 09:54:42 AM
That was hilarious. A visual punchline in a blog. You're breaking new ground. Who says your creativity is lacking?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.117.192.66
URL: http://theshakedown.diaryland.com
DATE: 09/19/2003 10:14:05 AM
It's not always about being creative, it's about being REAL.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.189.0.75
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 09/19/2003 10:43:32 AM
Even when your creativity is perhaps off, you still crack me the hell up.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Miel
EMAIL: miel@miel.com
IP: 166.70.179.53
URL:
DATE: 09/19/2003 11:09:45 AM
I really liked the leaves in a shed image.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Suzette
EMAIL: SuzetteTraveler@yahoo.com
IP: 216.44.68.79
URL:
DATE: 09/19/2003 11:25:40 AM
I came across an image from the movie "Billy Jack" this week where he was on a vision quest induced by snake bites. I'd draw the line at the snake bites, but he was wearing some hell of an outfit. Maybe all you need is a little fringed buckskin.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 09/19/2003 12:08:47 PM
You slay me!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Enigma
EMAIL: enigmasconundrum@hotmail.com
IP: 68.81.172.42
URL: http://www.hush-nah-chile.net/enigma
DATE: 09/19/2003 12:50:25 PM
You are a very special man. Nay, speschul.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 09/19/2003 04:43:18 PM
Estella I love The Dark Crystal! Can make that a threesome?

B, I have to agree with Smivey. I got quite the giggles with those visuals. I've been feeling all weird also lately. Although, I'm blaming it on the Mars. Yeah...it's all Mar's fault.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Cranky Chick
EMAIL: tess@crankychick.net
IP: 68.102.249.80
URL: http://crankychick.net
DATE: 09/20/2003 12:37:55 PM
Remember, this blog is for YOU.

And me.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.136.15
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 09/20/2003 03:01:40 PM
dude. that was, like, so deep. i think you've been listening to the dark side of the moon. yeah? yeah?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ~Mel
EMAIL: kiebenkins@yahoo.com
IP: 65.127.120.136
URL: http://heart-stricken.net/melancholia
DATE: 09/20/2003 06:42:32 PM
rofl you rock! lotta fun, lotta fun

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Allie
EMAIL: allie@analyze-this.us
IP: 148.78.243.24
URL: http://www.analyze-this.us
DATE: 09/22/2003 08:22:02 PM
I always seem to be late posting the oh so great comments. So...

Yeah, what they said. **points up**

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 09/22/2003 08:25:35 PM
I miss B.

:-(

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.171.86.132
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 09/22/2003 08:43:11 PM
I think you're brilliant, B², but if you want to go smoke some peyote and wander through the desert for a bit, more power to you. =)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 09/22/2003 11:32:06 PM
Mmmmm....peyote.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/23/2003 09:18:30 AM
I'm with Mary. We miss you, B.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 198.104.0.100
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/23/2003 01:13:24 PM
How can you miss me when I won't go away?

 

Lost in Translation
09/23/2003 01:11:01 PM

If you've done a lot of solitary travelling, you probably know the feeling too well. The silence of an empty hotel room. Walking around in a city of strangers, enveloped in a bubble of anonymity. You don't even have to be on the road to have that feeling; sometimes you find yourself an alien in your own neighborhood, your own school, your own home. You smile and nod at the faces you see, and they smile and nod back to you, and they seem like such nice people, you wish you spoke the same language.

That's the vibe that Lost in Translation taps into, and your appreciation of the film largely hinges on your ability to relate to that particular brand of loneliness. Bob Harris (Bill Murray) is an aging American movie star who's been lured to Japan by the promise of $2 million for a Suntory whiskey commercial. Charlotte (Scarlett Johansonn) is a Yale grad recently wed to a self-absorbed celebrity photographer (Giovanni Ribisi) who's brought her along to a photo shoot. Bob and Charlotte, staring into the same existential abyss from opposite ends of the age spectrum, meet in the Tokyo hotel where they're both staying, and gradually tumble into a brief, sweet encounter.

This sounds like the premise of a standard May-December romance, but Lost in Translation has much more up its sleeve. It's a love story, but not a "will-they-or-won't-they?" romance, and by moving away from the preoccupation with sex typical of most so-called romantic films (which feel more like mating ritual documentaries than love stories), it gets closer to the essence of true love than any film you'll see this year. It's nice to see the bonding of two people explored in terms of something other than genitalia.

Oh yeah, Lost in Translation is also fucking hilarious, especially if you've ever visited Asia or sampled the weird, wild stuff that is Japanese culture.

Bill Murray is amazing in this. The scene where he sings "More Than This" by Roxy Music in a karaoke lounge is a revelation, and not in the predictable way, either.

Scarlett Johannson was one of the best things about Ghost World, and she's as good here as that earlier movie hinted she'd be. There's so much going on behind those striking eyes that her dialogue is almost superfluous.

This is a movie that isn't so much a story as a collection of exquisite moments, and I didn't want those moments to stop. I could have spent a week just spying on these guys and grooving on their chemistry.

There's a kind of connection you can only make with someone you know you're only going to be around for a few days, and the intensity of that connection is all the more bittersweet for the fact of its transience. That's the emotion that drives this movie. See it now. It will break your goddamn heart.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Enigma
EMAIL: enigmasconundrum@hotmail.com
IP: 68.81.172.42
URL: http://www.hush-nah-chile.net/enigma
DATE: 09/23/2003 01:22:17 PM
I heard Bill talking about the movie, but it really wasn't clear what it was about. The interviewer was more intent to talk to him about some issues he had with Lucy Liu and what caused him to turn doen CA 2 (besides the fact that if its anything like the first one, it's complete crap).

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://rantorama.com
DATE: 09/23/2003 01:38:56 PM
I love Bill Murray. I've added this to my Netflix queue. I wonder how long I'll have to wait until it's out on DVD?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 68.19.252.49
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 09/23/2003 01:44:24 PM
Thanks for posting the review. All I'd heard about the movie was that Bill Murray was with some young girl and everyone said it was good - which made me imagine it to be a creep-out fest like Happiness. Now I'll probably go see it.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 198.104.0.100
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/23/2003 01:58:42 PM
Yeah, when you see it there is some creep factor in wondering if Bill Murray is actually going to get together with a girl barely out of her 20s (in an atypical switch, I think Scarlett Johansson is actually younger than the character she plays), but this movie is not about that at all.

It makes me sad to compare this movie to the typical Woody Allen flick where he hooks up with women 1/3 his age. A movie like this just makes Woody look immature and pathetic. I mean, this is the kind of movie he should be making at his age!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.117.192.66
URL: http://theshakedown.diaryland.com
DATE: 09/23/2003 02:49:31 PM
I freakin' loved Scarlett in Ghostworld. I love Bill Murray. The movie sounds awesomely weird, which is my favorite type of movie. Is it still in the theaters? Thanks B², can I rely on your for all my movie reviews from now on?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: gene
EMAIL: spinward@Hotmail.com
IP: 63.136.96.13
URL: http://www.somethingoutofnothing.net
DATE: 09/23/2003 03:37:00 PM
I saw this movie last night - I think your take on it hits the nail on the head.

But what about the vampires? And the werewolves? And why were they fighting each other? I didn't get that part.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: fake socks
EMAIL: bs_liang@hotmail.com
IP: 65.151.226.109
URL:
DATE: 09/23/2003 06:01:12 PM
hey b. there's a kid in my design and color theory class... well he's not a kid, but he looks like you with big glasses and long hair. chelsea and i call him b-ju (b junior).

also i was looking at a picture from that look alikes book and it reminded me off you.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Leslie
EMAIL: thynk2much@yahoo.com
IP: 12.80.31.183
URL:
DATE: 09/23/2003 06:13:06 PM
I saw this over the weekend, and wanted to immediately watch it over again. And yet it left me feeling really sad and contemplative for the next 24 hours or more. It was so accurate at capturing the sweetness and the sadness of life. To the person who put in for it at NetFlix... you can't wait that long, go see it in the theater!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.5
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/23/2003 06:27:18 PM
I want to see it again, too. It's truly a thing of beauty. And I agree, see it on the big screen if possible. The look of the film is gorgeous -- it's as much about post-millenial Tokyo as anything else.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.5
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/23/2003 06:29:21 PM
Angela: Yes. In fact, from now on I'd appreciate it if everyone would run their movie choices past me for approval in advance. Thanks for your cooperation!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.140.165.88
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 09/23/2003 09:38:03 PM
Great review! My date to this movie spoke Japanese, so I had my own translator. I don't know if that sort of misses the point or is more appropo. In either case, the movie put me in this melancholy mood for a few hours that prompted my date to ask me several times if I was mad at him. Regardless of all that, I think it was a really excellent film.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Wendy
EMAIL: wendy@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.189.0.149
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/wendy
DATE: 09/23/2003 10:28:46 PM
I have really been wanting to see this. I travel alone all the time, so I will be able to relate. I also love Bill Murray. Crap! I better run to the theater RIGHT NOW!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Smivey
EMAIL: smivey@yahoo.com
IP: 64.167.79.213
URL: http://smivey.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/23/2003 10:50:20 PM
Let's not forget Scarlett in The Man Who Wasn't There. Another brilliant performance.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: gene
EMAIL: spinward@Hotmail.com
IP: 63.136.96.13
URL: http://www.somethingoutofnothing.net
DATE: 09/24/2003 04:47:28 PM
Have you seen this?


Translation of the Japanese dialogue.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.24
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/24/2003 05:12:17 PM
As if you are Bogie in "Casablanca," saying, "Cheers to you guys."

Haha, awesome! Thanks for the link, Gene.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: chinh
EMAIL: chinh@chinh.org
IP: 69.22.9.121
URL: http://www.chinh.org
DATE: 09/24/2003 09:15:23 PM
i'm there!! thanx for the review... you better not dissapoint or i'll kick yer ass!!!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jadedju
EMAIL: jadedju@ninewire.net
IP: 66.248.85.173
URL: http://jadedju.com
DATE: 09/26/2003 05:37:21 PM
Definitely my favorite movie of the year, and also definitely on my list of all time favorite movies. I'm looking forward to seeing it again next week.

 

Stick Figures: Always Funny
09/25/2003 01:02:27 PM

I haven't seen Cold Creek Manor, and even better, I don't have to, now that I've seen this incredibly hilarious illustrated summary (spoilers, as if you care).

via Fark

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/25/2003 04:36:14 PM
My favorite part is when he's at the bar, it says "BAR" on the bar.

And the airbrushed blood. Microsoft Paint is the medium of champions.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Enigma
EMAIL: enigmasconundrum@hotmail.com
IP: 68.81.172.42
URL: http://www.hush-nah-chile.net/enigma
DATE: 09/25/2003 07:37:54 PM
o that was fantastic!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 09/26/2003 02:00:20 PM
Hey, meant to tell you: I saw Rushmore and Cinema Paradisio this week. Both very good; thanks for the recommendations!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.8.23
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 09/26/2003 02:52:38 PM
Hee...he stole milk.

 

Are You Awake?
09/30/2003 01:35:34 AM



Kevin Shields, "Are You Awake?"
from the Lost in Translation soundtrack
[ 2.2 MB MP3 ]

The most beautiful part of this song is the five seconds of silence after the first three tentative notes, before the rest of the song kicks in. There's a world of anticipation in those five seconds.

Five seconds is the exact length of time that it should take to decide whether or not you want to kiss someone. Anything longer than that is denial, and anything less than that is desperation.

Five seconds is also the longest that a woman should wait before responding to a marriage proposal.

If you were here right now, I'd crack open that bottle of Viognier I've been saving and pour us both a glass, and then I'd make you tell me the story of your life to date. After that, if there was still time, we'd go outside and I'd take you up the trail leading into the woods next to my apartment, and we'd throw frozen fillets of sole onto the trail, so that the next morning people would come jogging through there and stop abruptly and go, "Fillets of sole?"

We'd make our own fun.

But you're not here, so go to bed already.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 09/30/2003 04:51:04 AM
*sadly puts her filets back into the freezer*

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Smivey
EMAIL: smivey@yahoo.com
IP: 64.167.79.213
URL: http://smivey.blogspot.com
DATE: 09/30/2003 07:42:39 AM
You teased me by building up that song, only to find out that the link doesn't work. How cruel. And I'm not talkin' about the fish. That's just damn funny.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.3
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 09/30/2003 09:23:44 AM
It's fixed!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: GrooveBunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.90
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 09/30/2003 09:33:09 AM
Suddenly I'm in the mood for fish and chips with tartar sauce and the vinegar stuff...

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Enigma
EMAIL: enigmasconundrum@hotmail.com
IP: 68.81.172.42
URL: http://www.hush-nah-chile.net/enigma
DATE: 09/30/2003 04:42:45 PM
if you'd give me your address, i'd come on over. then again maybe i'd go visit groovebunny is she has the f&c w/malt vinegar.

i liked that. thanks for sharing.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jane
EMAIL: shiznit@social-reject.com
IP: 24.205.105.118
URL: http://www.social-reject.com
DATE: 09/30/2003 06:53:34 PM

 

And the Slammy Goes To...
10/01/2003 02:59:53 AM

The votes are in! And to the victor of the August Fiction Slam, congratulations! It was an extremely close race.

Be sure to check out the September Slam entries and vote for your fave.

Oh, and the October Slam pic:

Writers, start your Word programs....

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KateMonkey
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 80.4.128.48
URL: http://www.katemonkey.co.uk
DATE: 10/01/2003 03:53:44 AM
Skeeeerry!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Smivey
EMAIL: smivey@yahoo.com
IP: 64.167.79.213
URL: http://smivey.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/01/2003 09:58:39 AM
Damn. And I just finished my last piece of crap...uh, I mean, work of fiction.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susn
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 199.17.7.166
URL: http://www.flowerhead.com
DATE: 10/01/2003 11:34:12 AM
That was fun! I enjoyed the winner's story. Where did the last few pictures come from?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ed
EMAIL: ed@edrants.com
IP: 64.81.55.66
URL: http://www.edrants.com
DATE: 10/01/2003 07:41:30 PM
Man, hack work doesn't get any better than this. :)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/01/2003 11:54:09 PM
Congrats to the winner! I enjoyed your story tres mucho much. :)

 

Anticlimactic Boys' Adventures #1
10/02/2003 01:47:32 AM

FISHING WITH DAVE

One time back in junior high, my friend Dave and I decided to go fishing at this lake near my house. The only problem was, neither of us had fishing poles or tackle. Also, we had been up for two days straight and weren't thinking straight, so we thought we'd be able to hike down the hill to this lake because it didn't look like it was that far away, even though it was actually over a mile away and completely inaccessible. However, that detail is irrelevant to the anticlimactic story I am telling, so drive it from the uppermost level of your thoughts, but keep it in your subconscious as this will add to the delicious sense of futility as you read about my fishing adventure with Dave.

Undeterred by our lack of fishing equipment, we decided to make our own, out of curtain rods, some thread, and paper clips. We spent a good half hour throwing the stuff together, and then we headed out on our journey.

About halfway to where we thought the lake was, we walked past this house where the best friend of a girl we both liked lived. So we hung out in front of the house for a while, hoping that maybe the girl we both liked was sleeping over at her best friend's house. If she was, though, she declined to make her presence known to two grungy kids standing outside her friend's house. We moved on.

Finally we got to the point where we had to climb down the hill that led to this lake. Dave went first, and climbed down a few feet through some thick underbrush, then yelped. "Ah shit!" he cried, "there's like thorns and shit down here!"

"Fuck," I sympathized.

Despite the thorny underbrush, we decided to press on, and made our way carefully down the hill. At that point, we realized that we were right next to Ronald Reagan's Bel Air compound. "Shit," Dave said, "we'll probably get shot by Secret Service agents!" And we got the hell out of there.

THE END

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: bakiwop
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 66.84.173.92
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 10/02/2003 04:14:12 AM
ahhh, good times. good times.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KateMonkey
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 62.254.0.38
URL: http://www.katemonkey.co.uk
DATE: 10/02/2003 08:36:17 AM
Heh. That reminds me of the Richard Nixon Urban Legend. You should've gone down further and, y'know, tried to save Ronnie from something.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.
com
IP: 65.45.150.7 URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 10/02/2003 08:52:02 AM
See, while my story is anticlimactic and pointless, it has the advantage of being true!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.104.49
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 10/02/2003 07:39:22 PM
At least the story didn't end with you and Dave dying of starvation.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Wendy
EMAIL: Wendy@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 172.161.186.114
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/wendy
DATE: 10/03/2003 08:35:13 PM
The dialog is priceless...

"Fuck," I sympathized.

 

Anticlimactic Tales of Ribaldry #1
10/03/2003 12:00:04 AM

GIRL GONE WILD

I was a student at a large midwestern university. One day, I was walking past this house when a girl appeared at the upstairs window and called out to me. When I looked up, she lifted her t-shirt and flashed her tits at me.

I said, "Wow," and kept walking.

THE END

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: miguel
EMAIL: mig@metamorphosism.com
IP: 213.229.54.217
URL: http://metamorphosism.com
DATE: 10/03/2003 02:10:45 AM
Walking to my train one day, I happened to look up and saw a naked lady standing at the second-story window of a mansion, watching me.

Well, I think she was watching me. Looking in my general direction, anyway. But I had a train to catch, I couldn't stand around figuring out if she was actually watching *me*.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 10/03/2003 05:31:28 AM
God has smiled upon you, B. You are the Chosen One. Wield your powers wisely.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KateMonkey
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 62.254.0.38
URL: http://www.katemonkey.co.uk
DATE: 10/03/2003 06:17:51 AM
Eh, tits. Spend five years in New Orleans, and the entire flashing concept just starts to lose its appeal...

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.117.192.66
URL: http://theshakedown.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/03/2003 06:31:41 AM
That's awesome.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.193.249.24
URL:
DATE: 10/03/2003 08:21:27 AM
...but I found you now, and I am not going to let you out of my sights again.

(.)(.)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Glintir
EMAIL: glintir@mad.scientist.com
IP: 65.211.141.130
URL: http://glintir.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/03/2003 08:57:58 AM
Too bad a truck didn't block your view just as she flashed.. then it would be EVEN MORE anticlimactic.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Smivey
EMAIL: smivey@yahoo.com
IP: 64.167.79.213
URL: http://smivey.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/03/2003 09:34:41 AM
Those are lovely, dvl. But you seem to be very cold.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/03/2003 03:23:09 PM
This is what I saw lastweek at the Viper Room... ( ^ )( ^ ). I swear nipples should never ever be in a place where one can actually lick them themselves.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/03/2003 03:23:35 PM
Oh wait...what am I say???

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 66.237.70.170
URL:
DATE: 10/03/2003 06:59:29 PM
smivey - are you looking at my tits? that sucks. ;)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: panajane
EMAIL: panajane@hotmail.com
IP: 143.166.226.19
URL: http://panajane.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/06/2003 05:41:19 PM
Boobies!

 

Not That There's Anything Wrong With It
10/03/2003 01:16:01 AM

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 10/03/2003 05:30:23 AM
"Look at all these hot sex acts that are only possible if you're gay!"

HAHAHAHAHAHA!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.117.192.66
URL: http://theshakedown.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/03/2003 06:30:20 AM
HA!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/03/2003 01:43:31 PM
So gay.

 

Now This is Fricking Hilarious
10/03/2003 08:23:45 AM



Clip art: always funny! Go to Very Important Things for more kitschy goodness.

Link via BeerMary and Xkot

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://rantorama.com
DATE: 10/03/2003 09:13:01 AM
Now I want to start doing something like that, but I'd feel like a total tool copying that person.

But maybe, just maybe ... a new Weirdsmobile site along the same theme?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Smivey
EMAIL: smivey@yahoo.com
IP: 64.167.79.213
URL: http://smivey.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/03/2003 09:39:47 AM
Sweet. Nice find, B. Yet another blog for me to waste my time reading.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.6
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 10/03/2003 09:40:20 AM
My feeling has always been that it's okay to copy someone's idea as long as you give due credit to your source. People have been using my "comix" idea for years, but do I ever get any credit? Noooooo! And don't even get me started on that "This or That" website. MINE...MINE!!!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.6
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 10/03/2003 09:41:25 AM
Smivey, finding new and better ways to waste your time is what Weirdsmobile is all about!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.209.10
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 10/03/2003 10:39:42 AM
Hey, I make no secret of blatantly ripping off your comix idea!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jima
EMAIL: jima@legnog.com
IP: 207.7.7.214
URL: http://www.empty-handed.com
DATE: 10/03/2003 11:17:52 AM
Dude, you know what we should totally do? Start a group blog devoted to detourned clipart and comic strips. Get about a half-dozen people interested in doing shit like this, set up Movable Type, and have at it. Give it a cheezy-ass name, alert the media, sit back and watch the lawsuits roll in. That'd be so freakin' cool.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: bakiwop
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 66.84.175.125
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 10/03/2003 05:31:58 PM
yeah, and when i copy your comix idea i spell it "comics" - i mean, what an absolutely absurd way to speel the word comix!

 

Your Name Must Be Peter Underwood, Because the Moment You Entered the Room I Said "P.U.!!"
10/03/2003 01:41:12 PM

I'm at the public library today, and someone in my vicinity has clearly not spent much time in the Call Number 613 aisle with the books on personal hygiene. (S)he is emitting the sickly-sweet aroma of overripe fruit. Bad B.O. is awkward to deal with, because you can't just say "Sir, would you mind smelling a little less foul?"

The worst stinker I ever encountered was this middle-aged guy named "King" who worked in my department when I was a telephone peon at a check verification company. You could smell King as soon as he walked into the room, and I'm talking about a HUGE room. I sat all the way across the room from him and I was still gagging; I don't know what it must have been like to sit right next to him. Woof!

The weird thing about King was that he was otherwise impeccably groomed, and actually came to our minimum-wage, blue-jean-and-t-shirt workplace every day in a suit and tie. Other stinky guys I've encountered have also been well-groomed, snappy dressers. What's with that?

I'm going out for some air now. Holy Jesus! If this guy were a car, I'd write "WASH ME" with my finger in the dust on his rear window.

UPDATE (Warning: Gross): By "going out for some air" I meant, obviously, "going to take a leak." In the men's room, I noticed that someone had neglected to flush the toilet after a "burial at sea." What disturbs me, however, is that there was no toilet paper in the toilet. So, not only did this guy not flush the toilet, he evidently didn't even wipe his ass! Why do I get the feeling that No-Flush-No-Wipe Guy and Stinky Guy are in fact one and the same?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jane
EMAIL: shiznit@social-reject.com
IP: 24.205.105.118
URL: http://www.social-reject.com
DATE: 10/03/2003 02:11:39 PM
I had a too-close encounter with someone like that on a city bus once. In Tucson. During the summer. It had to be 105 at least outside. This skinny woman gets on the bus and of course takes the seat next to me. She smelled SO FREAKING BAD, I actually had to hold my breath momentarily. I kept jamming my nose against the window and trying to suck fresh air from the little AC vent underneath it. That was the longest trip to the mall I ever took.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.90
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/03/2003 02:17:59 PM
I have a very sensitive nose so stinky people and me don't get along very well. Your story reminded me of when I was a teller many moons ago. This very nice woman, used to come into the branch with her mentally challenged son, who was about 18 or 19. She always came in holding her sweet, smiling daughter in her arms. And they were all just sooooo nice that it should have been a pleasant experience whenever they came in. The only thing was that whenever they entered the room, I would have to run into the back office and prop the door open or else I would gag and lose my breakfast. Then I'd come back and wait on them, holding my breathe most of the time while my eyes teared. I thought for sure it was the mentally challenged son, I mean afterall it would have been understandable if it was him. One day however, they came in, and then she had to leave to go back to her car and left her son there in the lobby. It turned out that the son was fine, it was the woman who was stinking to high heaven. At that moment I realized too that she was carrying that sweet smiling little girl under her arms. The son came went over to his mom as soon as he saw her and gave her a big hug. The whole smell thing when dealing with loved ones, maybe in extreme circumstances what can be foul to the point of making other people want to hurl, can be an endearing scent to loved ones. *shrugs*

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Miel
EMAIL: happymiel@yahoo.com
IP: 166.70.179.53
URL: http://www.faeriemiel.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/03/2003 02:24:11 PM
burial at sea. heh.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 10/03/2003 02:29:38 PM
Oh my GOD that's nasty! But you're right; the no flush guy probably is Stinky Guy.

Why do some people have an aversion to toilet paper? I mean, come on! It's free!

There was a guy in my junior high whose whole family stunk. I can still remember it. I tried to be nice to him because everyone else was so mean. But man!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/03/2003 03:20:31 PM
Ewwww! Poopoo butt! I used to sing with this chick who would never flush the damn toilet. We had to share dressing rooms and there was only one bathroom. I tried to talk to her about the importance of flushing, but my pleas went on deaf ears. Maybe she thought she was gonna intimidate me by subjecting me to her poopoo would make me quit thereby opening up the lead spot to her. She didn't realize I could fire her.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: bakiwop
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 66.84.175.125
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 10/03/2003 05:33:31 PM
is it possible that King and all the other well dressed smelly people were wearing some kind of exotic perfume/cologne that us poorer people know nothing about?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 10/03/2003 06:14:21 PM
I was at a meeting stuck next to a guy who stunk so much that I thought he cut one at first. But it persisted and I realized that he just plain smelled like anal vapor at close range all the time.

I think this may have been an an ass wiping issue as well, now that I think about it. It's not the overall grooming that's the critical factor - it's the ass grooming.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: oldtimey
EMAIL: grr@grrrgr.com
IP: 65.243.231.78
URL: http://www.three-rings.com/oldtimey
DATE: 10/03/2003 08:24:16 PM
My coworker has a problem with the rank body odor . . and it's not an easy topic to bring up in casual conversation: "By the way, my eyes are watering, etc." But I thought of a good catch-phrase . . some manufacturer makes "Optimism"-scented deodorant for women, and "Ambition" and some other one. (Who would want to rub optimism on their armpits? . . anyway . .) Now I just say, in moments of extreme olfactory distress, "Hey, maybe you should refresh your Optimism," and everyone knows what I mean.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.161.186.114
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 10/04/2003 10:37:36 AM
I love the idea of being able to write "WASH ME" on someone's back... if only there was a way to do it without actually having to touch or go near the offending party.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: melly
EMAIL: jezemelly@yahoo.com
IP: 24.26.248.8
URL: http://ordinarymorning.net
DATE: 10/04/2003 01:05:56 PM
Helllllo, leaky asshole.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Wendy
EMAIL: wendy@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 165.247.33.21
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/wendy
DATE: 10/04/2003 10:24:14 PM
When I first met my Italian boyfriend in Italy, his car was filthy (he lives near an active volcano) and someone had written the Italian equivalent of "wash me pig" on it with their finger. I loved that it was an international thing to do. (and, by the way, when I asked why he didn't wash it, he said that it kept people from wanting to steal it)

 

The Thin Line Between Clever and Stupid
10/05/2003 01:04:14 AM

It has come to my attention that certain visitors to this site aren't really "grokking" what I'm trying to do here. For example, my fishing story. One young lady notes that the story is not effective because it is poorly written and somewhat pointless, in that nothing happens.

Now, although one's first response to this might be "What part of Anticlimactic Boys' Adventures did you not understand? Oh, wait, never mind..." the issue bears further scrutiny. While the pointlessness of the story is easily explained by its title, there is nothing evident to the eye that would explain the poor quality of the writing.

Therefore, it is once again time to drag out my handy illustration which should convey the basic attitude I bring to this weblog.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: bakiwop
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 66.84.175.5
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 10/05/2003 07:33:47 AM
it was like a raymond carver short story, and that guy made beaucoup bucks by writing that way!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.8.191
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 10/05/2003 11:57:46 AM
I liked your story. It reminded me of an episode of "Fishing With John".

Dig that illustration. Woof!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: SpyWhoLovedYou@aol.com
IP: 209.36.27.8
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 10/05/2003 02:19:36 PM
Seriously...no one /really/ wrote you to criticize that story, did she? Am I doing that thing you're complaining about, where you make a joke and someone takes you literally?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/05/2003 02:41:48 PM
I hate it when people don't grok what I'm trying to say, man.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.136.203.101
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 10/05/2003 03:15:06 PM
Oh... now I get it. Wait, but where does Wonder Woman come in?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 10/06/2003 05:36:18 AM
Oh, that poor woman! Going through life so fucking STUPID and without a sense of HUMOR! Then, feeling the need to broadcast her lameness and ignorance by writing criticisms, instead of hiding in a closet like she should be doing, to protect all of society!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.17
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 10/06/2003 09:17:46 AM
Hey, it's cool -- I LIVE for criticism like that! Half the stuff I post is almost like a dare to not laugh.

 

At Least I'm Consistent
10/05/2003 02:09:45 AM

I thought I'd dig into my old archives from my first weblog to see what kinds of things I was blogging about back then. It's interesting to see how your sensibilities evolve and refine over the years. Then I ran into this from October of 2000:


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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.197.49.230
URL:
DATE: 10/05/2003 10:21:38 AM
jesusfuckingchrist! compelling a sing along to the midi was evil, but the horrifying floating head of CC... i may never be able to close my eyes again, ever.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BoyKani
EMAIL: darren_kani@yahoo.com
IP: 67.122.220.86
URL: http://www.boykani.com/weblog/weblog.htm
DATE: 10/05/2003 10:25:04 AM
Fuckyeah! B's keepin' it real!

I can't decide which is cooler, though: the original version of "Ride Like The Wind", or your "Kris Krossed" bonus remix in MIDI.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jessica
EMAIL: jessica@peacedividend.com
IP: 66.117.128.123
URL: http://www.peacedividend.com
DATE: 10/05/2003 10:27:14 AM
Christopher Cross'll make ya... jump! Jump!

You are pure evil.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.8.191
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 10/05/2003 11:59:54 AM
Wow...I actually remember the first run of this one. Good times.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/05/2003 12:21:02 PM
B.

I think that we should get married.

And I'm not really kidding.

I mean, there are signs.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.29
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 10/05/2003 12:32:20 PM
I think so too, E. It would be like F. Scott and Zelda, except with more swearing.

 

El Tigre Furioso
10/05/2003 03:14:54 AM


Paris, 1947. Germaine and I were lunching at the Café Miasme, a charming bistro perched alongside the Canal des Malades Chiens, of the sort that used to blossom like wildflowers in Paris before the war. We were waiting there for the arrival of Germaine's brother, Tito, who had that very day been appointed to DeGaulle's cabinet. Germaine, who I daresay was more anxious for his brother than the man himself, was deeply into his third demitasse of espresso and was positively shaking like a leaf.

"Germaine, old friend," I said, placing a paw on his quivering shoulder. "Calm your nerves. It is a great day for Tito...a great day for France, n'est-ce pas?"

Germaine only shook his head, his eyes never leaving the swirling blackness of his espresso.

"Besides," I continued, casting my gaze out onto the busy Rue de Chat Confus, where crowds of morning shoppers were already congregating outside the booths of the produce vendors and volemongers, "I hear tell that General DeGaulle himself has invited both you and your brothers to the state dinner at Versailles." I glanced at Germaine, hoping my words would bring the touch of a smile to those anxious lips. But he remained unmoved.

Frustrated, I leapt from my chair and, oblivious to the startled gasps of the other patrons, I stood over a shocked Germaine and clutched his shoulders. "Germaine!" I roared. "It is me who stands before you now — El Tigre Furioso — your friend of old! Did we not stand together against the Führer in the Resistance?

Was it not I who saved your life at Nantes, at the boulangerie at Nîmes, who sang war songs with you at Avignon? I ask you, dear friend — to whom can you unburden yourself, if not to me?"

Germaine stared up at me with wide, unblinking eyes. "Aiiieee!" he screamed. "C'est un tigre! Aidez-moi! Aidez-moi!"

At that moment, the realization struck me — I did not comprehend a single word of French! Quickly I devoured Germaine and paused only to finish my espresso before making haste down the Rue de Chat Confus to my room at the pension. I was heartbroken, and to add insult to injury, Tito gave me a frosty reception that evening at the state dinner. But I learned a valuable lesson that day, my friends. A valuable lesson indeed, in the vagaries of the human heart.

Originally posted July 18, 2000.

 

Raise the Goblet of Rock
10/06/2003 12:37:17 AM

When I sat down to watch School of "Fucking" Rock yesterday, I knew I'd be rocked, but I had no idea how thoroughly and deeply I'd be rocked. Not only was I rocked, but my companion was rocked. In fact, the entire freaking audience was rocked. For 108 minutes the theater was held hostage by rock terrorists from the People's Republic of Rock & Roll.

By all rights, this movie should be one long cheesefest. The plot is generic (protagonist pretends to be someone he's not, he grows as a person, he's found out, everyone learns a lesson, much hugging). The whole "free spirit vs. stuffed shirts" theme has been done to death. Characters experience changes of heart that barely skirt the edge of believability. The kids are the standard-issue "one of each flavor of dysfunction" variety pack. It's a "family film," so it's a rock-n-roll movie without sex or drugs. Most terrifying of all, it features kids rocking out, that nerve-shearing staple of Disney Channel programming.

And yet, somehow, it works. Part of the credit goes to indie director Richard Linklater, who honors the conventions of the kiddie comedy genre while sidestepping its pitfalls and staying true to the rock & roll spirit. The rest of the credit goes to Jack "God" Black, who is the rock & roll spirit personified. This is so much Jack Black's movie that, if you already know you don't like him, don't even bother. If you do like him, don't think twice -- just go.

But it's not just about Black. The kids blew me away...they're real musicians and real kids, and it shows in their genuine, engaging performances. None of them were TV-sitcom cutesy or exaggerated (too much) beyond reality. My only real complaint is that the parents' change of heart at the end (I don't think I'm giving away anything away, given the kind of film this is) is just way too drastic. Still, despite the by-the-numbers storyline, Linklater manages to throw some surprises in there.

This is the first family-oriented film I've seen since...ever...that actually appeals to families, to both adults and kids without necessarily aiming for either. Middle-aged Hendrix fans and the Nickelodeon crowd, united at last under one banner: the banner of Rock. The audience I saw this with ate it up and begged for more. You know a movie went over well when the (awesome) end credits roll and maybe three people out of the packed house leave their seats. I saw that and I thought, "This is gonna be a monster hit, and Jack Black is officially a superstar."

This isn't the most original or flawless work of art, but it carries itself off with such good-natured sincerity, 100% real love of rock music, and perfect comic timing that, unless you've got a drumstick wedged up your ass, you'll love the movie despite the occasional clunky moment or eye-rolling plot turn. I haven't had this much pure fun at a movie all year. It's not a change-your-life kinda thing, but it's a fucking blast just the same.

For those about to see this awesome ass movie...I salute you.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/06/2003 07:04:47 AM
Hot damn, was this ever an awesome movie. It's true, it can appeal to pretty much everyone. For example, when I was there the audience was almost 100% college kids (somewhere between Nickelodeon and Hendrix) and they were applauding the screen.

It always creeps me out slightly when people do this, but I can see why. If you want to be hardcore, you've got to watch hardcore, and School of Rock is way hardcore.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.130.100
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 10/06/2003 07:57:18 AM
my sixty-two-year-old father has already seen the movie twice. i think that's a good indicator of how this movie is.

and even though i don't like movies, i'll probably see it. i'm a music junkie - what do you expect?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://rantorama.com
DATE: 10/06/2003 08:51:51 AM
I really need to get over my fear and start going to movies by myself. Especially since watching "Osmosis Jones" this weekend; I need to go see "Lost in translation" so Bill Murray can seem sexy to me again. ;-)

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.90
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/06/2003 09:59:59 AM
I just saw underworld twice this weekend. I think it's time to see something to lift the heart. Great write-up! :)

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.191.104.4
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 10/06/2003 06:09:02 PM
I saw this movie with my mom and we both loved it. I'm in agreement with everything you said about it. It was a lot of fun.

I need to make out my rent check tonight...I'll have to hand it over and sing, "The rent was so hardcore!!!"

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: fake socks
EMAIL: bs_liang@hotmail.com
IP: 65.151.226.221
URL:
DATE: 10/06/2003 08:17:10 PM
so all you do is watch movies these days?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Wendy
EMAIL: wendy@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 165.247.42.235
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/wendy
DATE: 10/06/2003 10:58:01 PM
Before you start posting the songs from this movie, could you finish posting the rest of the Lost In Translation soundtrack ?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jima
EMAIL: jima@legnog.com
IP: 68.21.1.130
URL: http://www.empty-handed.com
DATE: 10/11/2003 07:32:37 PM
We saw it today. Completely agree with your review. The best part: the climatic concert at the end of the film, which for some reason takes place during a school day... yet somehow the concert hall is packed. Oh, I also love the fact that the outraged parents of the kids that Jack Black was teaching were all able to take the day off of school that day, so they could conveniently all show up at the final concert. Those kids touched me.

 

The Nurturing Spider-Man, Part IV
10/07/2003 12:42:31 AM

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 10/07/2003 02:39:49 AM
Excelsior!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.5
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 10/07/2003 02:44:13 AM
A No-Prize for you!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Smivey
EMAIL: smivey@yahoo.com
IP: 64.167.79.213
URL: http://smivey.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/07/2003 12:42:23 PM
Makes me long for the days of the Dysfunctional Family Circus. Too bad they got a cease and desist order. But there is an archive.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Smivey
EMAIL: smivey@yahoo.com
IP: 64.167.79.213
URL: http://smivey.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/07/2003 12:43:28 PM
Sorry about not including a pop-up link. Maybe B can fix that.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://rantorama.com
DATE: 10/07/2003 12:52:18 PM
B, you are so flippin funny!

I can't get parts I and II to show up though.

----- COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 198.104.0.100
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 10/07/2003 12:55:27 PM
The link should be fixed now, Smivey.

Mary...that's weird. It's showing up okay for me. Maybe your browser just couldn't handle any more psychobabble?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: gene
EMAIL: spinward@Hotmail.com
IP: 63.136.96.13
URL: http://www.somethingoutofnothing.net
DATE: 10/07/2003 01:44:04 PM
Ah, I love these. Give Number 157 a raise!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/07/2003 03:56:46 PM
Fuckin' A, that's some good shit.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: j-a
EMAIL: jeonga_kim@yahoo.co.uk
IP: 202.71.195.230
URL: http://www.whatarewedoinghere.blogspot.com
DATE: 04/13/2004 06:59:59 PM
HA HA HA!!! wounded child? HA HA HA!

 

B-Peat: Olive Garden Review
10/08/2003 02:12:25 AM

This is my cousin Giorgio from Italy. Word has it that he knows Italian food like nobody else! So last night we took him to Olive Garden. He orders the Capellini Pomodoro, with Roma tomatoes, garlic, fresh basil and a touch of balsamic vinegar.

He takes a bite and throws his fork down. "What the fuck is this shit?" he says. "What are you talking about?" I say, "It's fuckin' Capellini Pomodoro!" He says, "Che cazzo stai dicendo? You gotta be kidding! This shit I wouldn't feed to my dogs!" So I says, "Hey, cugino, don't break my fuckin' balls here. It's Italian!" And this fucking mutt, he says, "Testa di merda, nessuno me lo ficca in culo! I just came here from Napoli, don't tell me this shit is Italian, they wouldn't sell this even in the hypermart! Get me outta this place, it's a disgrace to the Italian people! È un disonore!"

Nobody talks to me that way, I don't care if he's my own brother, he talks to me like that, I'm gonna break my foot off in his freakin' ass, right? So I says, "Hey, finocchio, get the fuck outta here, go back to fuckin' Italy and eat your genuine fuckin' Italian food!" And I dump the plate right into his fuckin' lap. Well, then Giorgio gets mad, right? He screams "Vaffanculo!" and lunges at me like he's gonna hit me or somethin', so I bust his fuckin' head for him and he goes down face first right into my wife's eggplant parmigiana, which is lightly breaded eggplant, fried and topped with marinara, mozzarella and parmesan.

So then I'm getting ready to break this pistolino's arms when the waitress comes by with the bruschetta, sees what's going on, and starts screaming. So then we all hadda get outta there quick, you know what I'm sayin'? Anyway, Olive Garden -- when you're there, you're fuckin' family. -----

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Zippygirl
EMAIL:
IP: 208.21.30.168
URL:
DATE: 10/08/2003 04:31:00 AM
That's exactly what we say when we see that commercial!

Che disgraziata!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://rantorama.com
DATE: 10/08/2003 06:57:11 AM
HAHAHA! Excellent!

(Legal notice: My endorsement of the B² 'Olive Garden Commercial Parody' in no way constitutes disrespect of the Olive Garden (tm) or any of its holdings.

Ya hear that, Olive Garden? Now give me a free freakin' black tie moussecake!)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: rickg
EMAIL: rick_griggs@hotmail.com
IP: 207.127.128.2
URL:
DATE: 10/08/2003 09:22:31 AM
Awright, I'm SICK of this shit! Why can't people just freakin' argue in good ole' American english for crap's sake? I don't like havin' to watch a good fight with a flippin' interpreter. I even HATE subtitled films - too damn distracting. At least with stuff like foreign porn you can kinda see what they hell they're talking about (um, yeah, that's right; I watch foreign porn for the snappy dialogue and cultural exploration, so shut up). All these foreigners are really screwing up American life. SPEAK ENGLISH, DAMMIT!!! -----
COMMENT:
AUTHOR: rickg
EMAIL: rick_griggs@hotmail.com
IP: 207.127.128.2
URL:
DATE: 10/08/2003 09:27:06 AM
***PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT***

the preceding post was intended to be funny; a light-hearted jab at the obvious multi-lingual eloquence of B². the author in no way intended it to be a rednecked slam on non-native English speaking people (or a slam of any kind to anyone). thank you.

**END OF PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT**
-----
COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.27
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/ DATE: 10/08/2003 09:27:47 AM Hey Rick, why you gotta bust my balls like this? What did I ever do to earn such disrespect?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: rickg
EMAIL: rick_griggs@hotmail.com
IP: 207.127.128.2
URL:
DATE: 10/08/2003 09:31:43 AM
²: no disrespect meant in any way. i enjoyed the post (as i do all of your other posts) and was trying to be humorous. that's why i posted the followup immediately afterward. apologies. -----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.27
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 10/08/2003 09:40:28 AM
It's cool, Rick -- your joke was taken as intended. I was just continuing the whole "clich d Italian dialogue" schtick and breaking your balls a little bit.
-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: rickg
EMAIL: rick_griggs@hotmail.com
IP: 207.127.128.2
URL:
DATE: 10/08/2003 09:50:48 AM
**tries to adjust himself so his broken balls are more comfortable** ok, WHEW! good. i felt i had to jump right in with a disclaimer/apology because certain people might read that string and want to, oh, say, crush more than my balls (i won't name names, but her initials are BeerMary ;^) ) and i didn't want them hunting me down like the scum that i am HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (Mary, i'm just joshin' wit ya honey...put that scalpel down...no, really, it was a JOKE...Mary...MARY....urg.........)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.27
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b
z/
DATE: 10/08/2003 09:54:52 AM
Dude, you are so digging yourself in deeper!

-----

COMMENT:

AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: grooveladi@remove_meyahoo.com
IP: 209.246.244.90
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/08/2003 10:54:29 AM
All this talk about Italian food and busted balls are making me tres hungry. B that was tres mucho beuno!

-----

COMMENT:

AUTHOR: bakiwop EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 66.84.144.98
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 10/08/2003 12:08:14 PM
Ey! You keep postin stuff like dat and I'm gonna have to kneecaps ya and fit ya for a pair of cement boots then give ya a ride in da trunk of my caddy... ----- COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike
EMAIL:
IP: 216.173.212.237
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 10/08/2003 05:02:21 PM
Yeah, what the fuck is that shit? Did you at least tip the motherfuckin' waitress? Have some fuckin' respect, already!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.138.210.110
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 10/08/2003 10:37:57 PM Your commercial is so awesome! Whenever that Olive Garden spot would come up, I'd wonder why the fuck those dumbasses would bring their Italian relatives to Olive Garden of all places.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jodi
EMAIL: tofuju@hotmail.com
IP: 66.108.219.41
URL: http://www.jodiverse.com
DATE: 10/10/2003 02:15:05 PM
Wait. I'm confused. Is it "parmigiana" or "parmesan"?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ed
EMAIL: ed@edrants.com
IP: 64.81.55.66
URL: http://www.edrants.com
DATE: 10/11/2003 09:30:28 AM
B: Is this an homage to that Olive Garden attack essay that hit the blogosphere back in '99 that I can't seem to recall, let alone find?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ~Mel
EMAIL: kiebenkins@yahoo.com
IP: 24.145.226.170
URL: http://heart-stricken.net/melancholia
DATE: 10/12/2003 02:10:44 PM
roflmao!!! Bravo!

 

Wal-ly! Wal-ly! Wal-ly!
10/08/2003 12:43:04 PM

I was sad to hear that Wally George, wacko ultra-conservative talk show host, had passed on at the age of 71. I fucking LOVED this guy. I mean, sure, I'm a quasi-Marxist leftie and he was an arch-Republican neofascist, but as an Orange County teen I watched his local TV show, "The Hot Seat," religiously.

Wally was this hilarious-looking dude with ultra-blonde hair that was either a bad toupee or was carefully styled to look like one, who did every show in a blue suit and red-white-and-blue necktie. His schtick was that he would bring on some hapless liberal type to sit in the Hot Seat, and then proceed to berate him/her relentlessly, pounding his desk for emphasis. The resulting "debate" (which usually consisted of Wally accusing his guest of being either a Communist or a homosexual, or a homosexual Communist) would reach a critical mass, and then Wally would blow his top and throw the guest off the show with a "You're Outta Here!!!" as the audience, a mob of exclusively male, 20-something Neanderthals, hooted and chanted "WAL-LY! WAL-LY!"

Also frequenting the guest list were various Orange County freaks (punk rockers, performance artists, etc.) and strippers/porn stars. The latter was always fun because Wally would be completely disapproving of the bimbos, while the crowd sort of alternated between cheering Wally and cheering the bimbo's bazooms. It was as intellectually complex as the show ever got. (The fact that he was the father of Rebecca De Mornay, then known as the "hot chick from Risky Business," added even more shades of complexity to his fervent anti-bimbo stance.)

Nowadays of course this sort of thing is commonplace, like shock radio and pro wrestling, but back in the day it was groundbreaking stuff. I think Wally even predated such "combat TV" types as Morton Downey, Jr. He became a SoCal cult figure, and at one point put out an album, Wally Rock, which I am proud to say that I own (I wish I could digitize this..."Wally Rap" must be heard to be believed).

As with all things, Wally George eventually jumped the shark. I think the show jumped when it started becoming more about the freakshow and less about politics. After a while it was basically the Stripper of the Week show, and I tuned in less and less.

Wally George is also the only celebrity I've ever stalked in any way. One day I was driving around the Valley and spotted Wally heading into a post office parking lot. I didn't have anything else to do, so I decided to follow him around. I was hoping maybe he'd meet some floozy at a cheap motel or something, but all he did was run a bunch of errands. I did discover, however, that he really did wear that red, white & blue suit everywhere.

I'll miss the guy. He was a supreme nutcase, but you had to admire his passion. I'm sure he's up in Heaven right now, putting God in the Hot Seat for his liberal stance on homosexuality.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL: http://formyselfandothers.blogspot.com/
DATE: 10/08/2003 02:38:57 PM
If you still have a turntable hooked to a working stereo, you can record the record to your computer. Just need cables and some ripping software. I've done it with old LPs. The results aren't great, but it works. You can also use a plain old cheapie microphone.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KateMonkey
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 62.254.0.38
URL: http://www.katemonkey.co.uk
DATE: 10/08/2003 04:42:55 PM
Aw hell, man! Wal-ly Wal-ly Wal-ly!

I used to watch him all the time on KDOC when I was growing up.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike
EMAIL:
IP: 216.173.212.237
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 10/08/2003 04:59:44 PM
know what I want?

I want a heartfelt obit on Fox delivered by Bill "Shut Up" O'Reilly.

What are ya, a pinko? Which kind, laughing boy?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Suzette
EMAIL: SuzetteTraveler@yahoo.com
IP: 216.44.68.210
URL:
DATE: 10/08/2003 06:53:35 PM
A few years ago, I saw Wally George appear as the defendant on Judge Judy. Or maybe it was the People's Court when Ed Koch was the judge. I can't remember the case, but he lost. By that time, he had trimmed the long hair and looked pretty much like Ted Baxter.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Smivey
EMAIL: smivey@yahoo.com
IP: 64.167.79.213
URL: http://smivey.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/09/2003 06:59:20 AM
As a former OC boy, I used to watch Wally quite a bit, too. In fact, my friend's mother appeared in the Hot Seat once. She was arguing with Wally about legalization of prostitution. She started making some good points. So Wally through her off the stage: "You're outta here!"

Am I the only one who noticed that Wally was supposedly a right-wing conservative, yet he endorsed some rather risqu establishments?

There was some place called Texas Lucy's, I think. It was like a pre-Hooters Hooters. Or is my memory failing me?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.13
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/ DATE: 10/09/2003 09:05:42 AM
Hehe! Yeah, I loved how as soon as the guest started to win a debate, Wally would get all pissed off and throw him/her out, usually on the pretext that (s)he'd insulted the flag or something. "How dare you question Ronald Reagan, the greatest President in history? YOU'RE OUTTA HERE!!!"

And yeah, as I recall he even had phone sex commercials during his show. Personally, I don't think Wally had any illusions about what his show was all about. He was the proto-Springer!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rick George
EMAIL: mini14_1999@yahoo.com
IP: 4.12.123.13
URL:
DATE: 06/07/2004 07:41:24 PM
Please make a copy of this record and put it on the internet for the world to enjoy!!! Loved that show as a kid. Anyone know how to see older episodes of the show?

Have to settle for Savage till I can get my hands on Hot Seat re-runs...

 

It's Times Like This I Wish I Had CNN
10/12/2003 03:35:10 PM

A guy just ran past my window screaming "THE WORLD'S GONE CRAZY!!!"

Is something going on that I should know about? I don't see much at Yahoo News to get excited over, except maybe that machine tool demand was up 16.6% in August. Which is kind of crazy, now that I think about it.

Ah well. I suppose I'll get the full scoop from my new alien overlords later.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/12/2003 04:47:01 PM
Maybe he's been in a coma and just heard about that whole California thing.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike
EMAIL:
IP: 216.173.212.237
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 10/12/2003 06:40:14 PM
Cubs headed for world series.


Man from Austria (Ger, "Osterreich," tr. "Realm of the East") has been elected Guv in Cali.

Pope, Arafat in neck-and-neck race to death.

Israel widens conflict in middle east.

et-see.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Enigma
EMAIL: enigmasconundrum@hotmail.com
IP: 68.81.172.42
URL: http://www.hush-nah-chile.net/enigma
DATE: 10/12/2003 09:45:11 PM
i betcha it had something to do with sports. it always has something to do with sports.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: j-a
EMAIL: jeonga_kim@yahoo.co.uk
IP: 202.71.195.230
URL: http://www.whatarewedoinghere.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/12/2003 10:34:59 PM
"i spent the whole weekend randomly tuning into CNN. as a seasoned viewer i did not find anything that shocking - the world has been going to the dogs ever since the times of Plato. "

- grumpy old fart -

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.199.113.163
URL:
DATE: 10/13/2003 12:38:23 AM
did our WeHo local nutcase move to seattle to spread the joy?

boy, i sure do miss hearing him ride through the neighborhood on his squeaky bike screaming "THEY POISONED THE DRINKING WATER"... it's just been too quiet, i tell ya.... send him my love.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 10/13/2003 06:17:14 AM
Sad part is, you still have better neighbors than me.

 

Extremely Important Topics #11,567: Supermarket Ceilings
10/13/2003 12:31:13 PM

I was in the local SuperSuperMarket the other day, and I happened to glance up at the ceiling. It was the usual bare, warehouse-type ceiling with the girders and everything showing. It occurred to me suddenly that supermarkets didn't always have those types of ceilings. Remember that? When did that change, anyway? Who started the "exposed warehouse ceiling" trend? For that matter, who started the whole "warehouse supermarket" thing in the first place? I live in a Godless, finite universe where I'm at the mercy of monolithic marketing firms and megacorporate super-grocers! I was so upset I almost didn't make it to the register to pay for my econo-sized tub of sour cream.

That got me onto the topic of supermarket checkout lines. Have you noticed that checkout lines are shorter than ever? I can remember standing in lines four or five carts deep during peak hours at my neighborhood SuperSuperMarket, maybe four or five years ago. Yet today it's a rare occurrence to be more than two carts back in line. I suppose the advent of price scanners and improvements in checkout lane efficiency are to be credited for this, but is it really an improvement? Because now, even though we're being swept through the lines more quickly than ever, we've come to expect that speed so we're now much less tolerant of any slowdown. In other words, speeds have improved but we're just as pissed off and "inconvenienced" as ever. The only real beneficiary, in fact, is probably the supermarket itself, since it's able to shift product that much more efficiently and quickly.

This thought also reminded me that I live in a Godless, finite universe where I'm at the mercy of monolithic marketing firms and megacorporate super-grocers. This time, though, having been inured to the shock and horror, I was merely miffed rather than outraged. See? See how they do?

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: bakiwop
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 66.84.173.142
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 10/13/2003 02:15:27 PM
and now, since i have experienced all of this "Godless, finite universe where I'm at the mercy of monolithic marketing firms and megacorporate super-grocers" stuff through you, i don't have to feel upset about it at all, but rather welcome my monolithic marketing firm/megacorporate super grocers overlords with open arms.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 10/13/2003 02:37:41 PM
Well, the sooner you organize your cult compound and have us all move there, the sooner the supermarkets can be exactly what we all dream about.

* Beer cupholder so you can drink and shop
* Strawberries year-round
* Free chocolate samples

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/13/2003 03:27:30 PM
Birds nest in the vast, girder-ridden ceiling of my local Staples. It's so cute!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike
EMAIL:
IP: 216.173.212.237
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 10/13/2003 05:25:00 PM
Wait, isn't Andy Rooney dead?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 67.106.83.29
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 10/13/2003 06:30:27 PM
Well, at least your area ATM keypads are not injecting mind control nanospiders into your fingers, as I'm fairly certain mine are doing.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: fake socks
EMAIL: bs_liang@hotmail.com
IP: 65.151.228.35
URL:
DATE: 10/13/2003 08:58:34 PM
pffft costco lines.... like 10 carts and like.. maybe 20 checkout..

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.144.4
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 10/14/2003 12:12:40 AM
Costco isn't really a supermarket, though.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Suzette
EMAIL: SuzetteTraveler@yahoo.com
IP: 216.44.68.111
URL:
DATE: 10/14/2003 04:08:20 AM
Those ceilings make for much drama during a suden rain, though. It sounds like buckshot nad the entire shopping body goes "ooooh!' at the same time and seeks to beat it out of there in a hurry. I guess the planners fiure it is still somehow worth the risk of a panic exodus.

And another thing - 'aisles' are becoming a thing of the past. The new trend seems to be maze-like sections that force you to go around a few times before you can get out, giving you another chance to pick up that impulse item. Much more devious that the straight up and down aisle where you are forced to look at everything, but only one time.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike
EMAIL:
IP: 216.173.212.237
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 10/14/2003 07:22:29 AM
costco + maze-like store displays + earthquake = fun for everyone!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ms lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.128.93
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 10/14/2003 09:55:13 AM
you know what i miss?

grocers who emptied your cart FOR you and then *gasp!* bagged your groceries with the heavy shit on the bottom of the bag.

kids these days.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL:
IP: 209.246.244.90
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/14/2003 05:09:06 PM
We're getting the check-yourself out stands now so people can scan their own stuff and bag it. Ooooh what great convenience! All that and you still get to pay regular grocery store prices. I think I'm gonna become a vegitarian and grow my own food dammit.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jodi
EMAIL: tofuju@hotmail.com
IP: 66.108.219.41
URL: http://www.jodiverse.com
DATE: 10/14/2003 07:36:24 PM
Apparently you don't shop in Manhattan supermarkets. Come check it out (PUN NOT INTENDED, BUT FEEL FREE TO APPRECIATE IT!) and relive the old-time glory.

 

Thots
10/14/2003 01:30:02 AM



When you eat something and it tastes funny, and you think, "That's odd, why would it taste funny? It's only two days old!" and then you look at the label and it says "REFRIGERATE IMMEDIATELY AFTER OPENING," that's when you can relax, put your feet up, and settle in for a nice long night of hell.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: fake socks
EMAIL: bs_liang@hotmail.com
IP: 65.151.228.44
URL:
DATE: 10/14/2003 12:41:11 AM
likeee... we were looking at an disney animation book of old cartoons and there was one that said Dr. B and it remind Smelsea and I of you.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 10/14/2003 04:56:59 AM
Oh no!!!!

I did this about a month ago. I had Atkins raspberry syrup to add to my coffee. I didn't know it needed refrigerated (most don't). It sat on my desk at work for about a month. I wondered why I'd have to sprint to the bathroom almost every day after my coffee. I found out!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: bakiwop
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 66.84.174.249
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 10/14/2003 05:06:03 AM
you shouldn;t have written about those megacorporate super-grocers...

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike
EMAIL:
IP: 216.173.212.237
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 10/14/2003 07:21:01 AM
thank god for wireless internet and laptops.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/14/2003 12:30:27 PM
I just refrigerate everything; soup cans, crackers, fish... that way I'm covered.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: wabbit@groovebunny.com
IP: 209.246.244.90
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/14/2003 05:04:50 PM
I refrigerate everything too. But the thing is I don't eat leftovers unless it's spaghetti or fried chicken. So then I have to contend with a few month's worth of stored stuff in my fridge every time I open it. My sis earns her keep by throwing out all the stuff I've put in the fridge but refuse to eat. :)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/14/2003 10:40:27 PM
I can't think of a single thing that I wouldn't do for fried chicken right now.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.130.32.195
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 10/14/2003 11:10:43 PM
Hope your intestines have forgiven you by now.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 10/15/2003 05:52:33 AM
The intestines are a cruel mistress ... you may tame her for a while, but you never really know when you'll lose control. And they never, ever forgive.

 

Raise the Goblet of WALLY ROCK!
10/14/2003 01:43:43 PM



Prepare yourselves...for the majesty...the awesome power...that is...Wally Rock.

"Wally Wally"

The gays / The punks / The heavy metal craze / Take a hike, scum! You've seen your last days! / There's a new fad / That's here to stay / It's called Love for the U.S.A.!

"Wally Rap"

Those vermin who believe in legalizing marijuana are really saying "Let's legalize all drugs! And while we're at it, prostitution, bestiality and S&M!"

"Say Wally"

"Say Wally, what do you think of the gays?" As I've said before, God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve!

Enjoy.

Rest in peace, Wally George....

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/14/2003 10:37:19 PM
Somebody needs a nap.

I'm not naming any names.

It's not me.

Or Wally.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 10/14/2003 11:52:22 PM
Wow. You cannot keep down an angry man with a Casio!

That "Wally Rap" just may smoke even more than Rodney Dangerfield's classic joint "No Respect."

 

Bad Erotica #2
10/15/2003 02:39:58 AM

"Gosh, Jenna," said Dick Peters, a sophomore at the State University, "it sure is nice of you to help me out with my chemistry final!"

"It's my pleasure," Jenna replied. Her breasts were extremely large. "I just hope you're ready for your...oral exam."

"But it's going to be an essay exam," Dick said, puzzled.

"I was actually making a veiled reference to cunnilingus," Jenna explained.

Dick blushed. "Oh! Well in that case, let me, um..."

"Give me a mustache ride?"

"Uh..."

"Go pearl diving?"

"Is that when--"

"Eat dinner at the Y?"

"Yes! That's the one, absolutely." Dick disrobed and observed with great interest as Jenna followed suit.

"How ya like these ta-ta's?" Jenna asked, shaking her breasts playfully in front of Dick's face.

"I feel so close to you right now," Dick said. "We're about to engage in the most special act that a man and woman can share -- the act of sexual union."

"Let's get it on," Jenna husked. "Let's lay some pipe. Bring that trouser trout over to Momma."

"Jenna," Dick said, "the mere idea of being allowed to have consensual sexual relations with a woman as special as you are is a gift that, as unworthy as I am, I will attempt to honor with my whole heart as well as my body."

"Shut up and poke me."

"I just want you to know that I respect your womanhood. The fact that I'm about to occupy your most private sanctum doesn't imply ownership. You are in control of your own body, even if you choose to share it with me in this act of communion."

"What the fuck?"

Dick stroked the side of Jenna's face with the tip of one finger. "You are a beautiful goddess," he whispered, tears forming at the corners of his eyes.

"Oh my God, get out now," Jenna said. "You are fucking creeping me out."

"I really appreciate your honesty," Dick said, pulling his jeans on. "It makes me respect and honor your amazing soul all the more."

"That's great," Jenna said, pushing Dick out the door. "Don't ever call me again."

After Dick was on his way, Jenna pulled out her vibrator and stimulated herself to yet another joyless orgasm.

THE END

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: j-a
EMAIL:
IP: 202.71.195.230
URL: http://www.whatarewedoinghere.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/15/2003 02:51:59 AM
ha ha ha ha!!! nearly burst out laughing at work while reading this.

hope you can work this into the plot of the next 'change of plans'.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jima
EMAIL: jima@legnog.com
IP: 68.21.1.130
URL: http://www.empty-handed.com
DATE: 10/15/2003 04:33:46 AM
At least there was a happy ending...

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 10/15/2003 05:50:53 AM
So, what you're saying is that Dick is available?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/15/2003 08:21:19 AM
OH MY GOD.

"Shut up and poke me."

I'm DYING.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Smivey
EMAIL: smivey@yahoo.com
IP: 64.167.79.99
URL: http://smivey.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/15/2003 08:34:34 AM
(capping the unused canola oil) What the hell? When I saw the #2 in the title, I was expecting some kind of scheisse theme. (sigh)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: wabbit@groovebunny.com
IP: 209.246.244.90
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/15/2003 08:34:49 AM
Haha! I think at one point in our lives we've all had a shut up and point me moment. Bravo. :)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 199.17.7.83
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 10/15/2003 10:07:51 AM
Dammit, I'm reading this at work while eating lunch and almost did a cliched spit-take on the keyboard. That was freakin' brilliant.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: curz
EMAIL: capriporn@hotmail.com
IP: 205.154.27.250
URL:
DATE: 10/15/2003 02:08:54 PM
hey u should make a book with all these cheese erotic tales. they're funny. and yeah.

get on AIM more often!!!!

;; Bju sr.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/15/2003 02:16:04 PM
I can't figure out if Groovebunny did that on purpose. I'm been gritting my teeth all day over this.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.156.210.13
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 10/15/2003 08:45:14 PM
Yes, B! I love your erotica! You really need to seriously write a book of these. Like now.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: curz(chels)
EMAIL:
IP: 65.148.124.214
URL:
DATE: 10/15/2003 10:57:05 PM
damn yOO. be online! you booze hound wine face!

ayeee. we need your manly asian conversating voice of typing.

what?

 

Stuff
10/15/2003 11:30:04 AM

• "Big Mac" made from 1,100 G5 processors may be the 2nd fastest supercomputer in the world. At a fraction of the cost of the #1 supercomputer. This is the kind of thing that warms this Mac lover's heart. This and Apple stock trading at a 52-week high.

• If I had a billion dollars, I would buy one of the above supercomputers and then hire a team of game developers to create the world's most awesome game ever so I could play it on the supercomputer.

• Well, first I'd feed the hungry and build houses for the poor and fund NPR and the Humane Society for the next 100 years. But then I'd buy a supercomputer and hire a team of game developers to create the world's most awesome game ever so I could play it on the supercomputer.

• Woman smears hot french fries into kid's face. Why? Because he accidentally smeared ice cream on her clothes, natch. Isn't this like the second McDonald's-related woman-on-kid violence story in two months? McDonald's really needs to put up some "Please Do Not Freak Out and Go Psycho All Over Some Poor Kid's Ass Just Because You're a Touchy Motherfucker Who Skipped Her Medication Today" signs. The scariest thing about this story, by the way, is that the woman in question was nine months pregnant at the time of the incident. Child Protective Services needs to be present at the birth to take this kid away as soon as he pops out of the psycho's baby chute.

• In possibly the best (or worst, depending on how it turns out) news of the day, they're making a sequel to Sixteen Candles, entitled 32 Candles. Not that I've exactly been spending the past 20 years wondering whatever happened to Long Duk Dong, but anything that rips open the beautiful cocoon of the past and drags out a cherished memory and holds it aloft, pink and screaming, in the fetid air of the present, for the sole purpose of exploiting the nostalgia of 80's survivors is A-OK in my book.

• ELAIAYEWTK (Every Lame Ass Internet Abbreviation You've Ever Wanted to Know).

Most of the above links via Fark because I'm too busy and important to spend all morning hunting down links myself.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: wabbit@groovebunny.com
IP: 209.246.244.90
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/15/2003 01:17:03 PM
If you had a billion dollars would you buy me a Big Mac? Not a Bic Mac Mac, but a Big Mac Mc. I'm sooo hungry right now. Although I must admit, I love me some Mac.

The whole lady smearing french fries on the kids face. Is it just me or are people in general just getting weirder and weirder?

Long Duc Dong? I have to admit in my current celebate state, I've been wondering where that hunk of man love has been all these years. Bring the Dong on! -----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/15/2003 02:13:29 PM
"...anything that rips open the beautiful cocoon of the past and drags out a cherished memory and holds it aloft, pink and screaming, in the fetid air of the present, for the sole purpose of exploiting the nostalgia of 80's survivors is A-OK in my book."

Holy Jesus. That's the best sentence I've ever read about anything ever.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: june
EMAIL: junemiller31@hotmail.com
IP: 206.40.41.253
URL: http://louveciennes.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/15/2003 02:49:52 PM
Wellll...in her defense, some women's hormones do get totally scrambled and carbonated during pregnancy, especially towards the end.

But then again, she may just be a natural-born psycho.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: j-a
EMAIL:
IP: 202.71.195.230
URL: http://www.whatarewedoinghere.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/15/2003 06:29:27 PM
i was just going to say...

pregnant women are not walking along on a cloud of bliss, beautified because of the fact that they are blessed enough to have children. NO. they are barely managing to make it to the nearest fast food store (because touching a toaster is too burdensome if you have the weight of a sack of rice on your lower back)when some nervy kid decides to smear their clothes (do you know how long it took to choose an outfit that would make you look at least a human form?).

if you see what i mean.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jessica
EMAIL: jessica@peacedividend.com
IP: 66.117.128.123
URL: http://www.peacedividend.com
DATE: 10/15/2003 07:25:21 PM
Here's the thing, tho: learn to stand the fuck in line. I know, the MD school system is having a hard time with the lack of budgets, but could someone teach these kids to stand one arm's length from the person in front of them in line? Especially if said person just ordered an ice cream cone?

But why was this 4 year old by himself at McDonald's - where some crazy bitch could beat him up and smear hot grease in his eyes - in the first place? And Mikilia there, at 9 months, is eating at McDonald's? All three (counting the poor papoose, first) of these kids are diabetic comas just waiting to happen. And weren't there going to be snacks at Mikilia's baby shower, that she was late for?

The whole thing gives me the heebie jeebies.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 10/16/2003 05:50:13 AM
16 candles sequel! (doin the happy dance)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: SpyWhoLovedYou@aol.com
IP: 69.0.53.228
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 10/16/2003 07:38:31 AM
I almost died laughing at the french fry story. OK, there's NEVER an excuse to smush fries into someone's face, but if something was going to make me snap like that, it might actually be the sugared-up kids in line at McDonald's who, unlike us, were never trained to 1) hold a parent's hand, 2) hold still, and 3) shut up while standing in line. Does the fact the kid /bolted/ immediately after doing it give you some indication that he was probably acting up before it happened? And I love the way it's being changed from "french fries" to "boiling hot grease."

I'm not saying that she should have done it, but I understand.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: wabbit@groovebunny.com
IP: 209.246.244.90
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/16/2003 10:25:58 AM
No offense to anyone here, but I don't understand why this woman did what she did. It was a 4 year old kid for cripes sake. That's an age where kids are still learning to socialize, and if you've ever seen one run, they are not very graceful or even well coordinated. It's not like this kid did it on purpose, she was standing behind him too close as it seems that when he turned he brushed against her sleeve. I agree that it's only human for the thought to have run through her head, but to actually chase him down and do what she did, she has some serious issues. What's scarey is that if she's the type of person to blow up over a little bit of ice cream on her sleeve, imagine what she'd end up doing to her own kid for spitting formula on her brand new K-Mart-special-best-top-she-has while she's going through her post partum blues. I'm sorry but this lady has proved herself to be a potential child abuser and I hope someone shoves hot frech fries up her ass while she's doing time.

 

MT-Blacklist
10/15/2003 05:55:47 PM

[I totally forgot to credit Suzette with sending me the link to this. Sorry, Suzette! -B]

Weirdsmobile thus far hasn't been hit (as far as I know -- knock wood) with comment/trackback spam...and with any luck, we never will, thanks to the efforts of Jay Allen and his spiffy MT Blacklist plugin for Movable Type.

From his user's guide:

MT-Blacklist is a plugin for Movable Type which aims to stop user- or bot-submitted spam via comments and Trackbacks. Movable Type's open architecture, easy user-interface and lack of user registration features make it no only a thriving interactive community tool but also a lucrative target for spammers.

The best current theory as to why spammers post their links to websites is so that they can raise their Google PageRank score, hence driving more traffic to their sites from an improved search ranking. This is the single, most important facet in the battle against comment spam (which hereafter I will use as a generic term for both comment spam and the yet unseen Trackback spam) and one that sharply differentiates it from email spam.

In essence, MT-Blacklist hits at the heart of comment spam by blocking comment and trackbacks which match strings (or for your techies, powerful perl regular expressions) on a user-defined blacklist before they ever hit the user's site.

No MT blogger should be without this nifty plugin. Installation's a snap! Many thanks and hosannas to Mr. Allen for providing this useful tool to the MT community.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Enigma
EMAIL: enigmasconundrum@hotmail.com
IP: 68.81.172.42
URL: http://www.hush-nah-chile.net/enigma
DATE: 10/15/2003 06:46:18 PM
i'd seen a link to him before but was unsure exactly what it was all about. thanks b2.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.201.0
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 10/15/2003 08:22:01 PM
Ooh, thanks! I'll have to get this. I've been hit a few times this past week with porn comment spam. I had to go through and delete each comment and ban the IP addresses. A tedious pain in the arse.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: wabbit@groovebunny.com
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/15/2003 10:29:11 PM
Unfortunately I've been hit with porn spam from unwittingly leaving my email address on gbooks with signmyguestbook.com. Learned my lesson the hard way dagnabit. Thanks for that info b!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Suzette
EMAIL: SuzetteTraveler@yahoo.com
IP: 12.175.113.35
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/suzette
DATE: 10/16/2003 07:17:44 AM
Oh, yes - be sure to see me for all of your cutting edge webpage utilities.

 

MeNoWriFoNaNoWriMo
10/16/2003 02:47:08 AM

NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), a marathon writing event where you write a complete novel in the space of a month, sounds like a total blast, but so far I'm 0 for 2 as far as actually being able to participate. Every year something comes up, whether it be total laziness, or forgetting to do it, or a similarly legitimate, unavoidable act of God.

To be honest, I probably won't do it this year, either. Who's got the time? But I have been thinking of holding my own event, more suited to my style:

NaDruWriNi would take place over the course of one evening, instead of stretching the pain over a whole fucking month. Instead of a novel, entrants would get intoxicated and post stories displaying steadily decreasing coherence. The "winner" would be the last writer standing (or sitting, as long as they're posting).

(I'm mostly kidding about this, but if you're nutty enough to actually want to do it, let me know....)

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 10/16/2003 05:47:52 AM
Oh, you KNOW I'm in honey!

How about Halloween night?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: monique
EMAIL: coffeenated@yahoo.com
IP: 65.248.203.126
URL: http://monique.typepad.com
DATE: 10/16/2003 05:51:51 AM
Ha! B, you are hilarious!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: eris
EMAIL:
IP: 142.161.41.173
URL: http://www.flipsideconfessions.com
DATE: 10/16/2003 09:07:11 AM
Well, I do that every night, but it's be great to have some company!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL: http://formyselfandothers.blogspot.com/
DATE: 10/16/2003 09:27:19 AM
You know, I've actually contemplated this? My problem is that I never actually make it to "drunk". I go to sleep long before then...

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KateMonkey
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 62.254.0.38
URL: http://www.katemonkey.co.uk
DATE: 10/16/2003 09:45:35 AM
Wooo! I'm there!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: wabbit@groovebunny.com
IP: 209.246.244.90
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/16/2003 09:49:01 AM
Wooohooo! Bring on the cognac! If you do it I hope it's on a night I don't have the wee one with me. Ya know, cause it'd be a crime to be a drunk slob while he's with me and all. :)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: gene
EMAIL: spinward@Hotmail.com
IP: 63.136.96.13
URL: http://www.somethingoutofnothing.net
DATE: 10/16/2003 12:46:44 PM
You know, you probably write 20,000 words on this site alone in a month (not counting whatever you write elsewhere). 50,000 for you would probably be easy.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 198.104.0.100
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 10/16/2003 12:50:32 PM
Yeah, but that's 20,000 words of bullshit, not actual writing. If I tried to write something with substance I'd probably have an aneurysm.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 67.75.15.49
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com/weblog
DATE: 10/16/2003 03:54:53 PM
Oh I've done this before! IF by "getting drunk," you mean "getting totally shitfaced," and if by "writing" you mean "calling your ex-girlfriends and leaving alternating threats and please-come-back messages," then I've totally done this kind of contest. It's awesome.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.165.84.51
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 10/16/2003 07:23:02 PM
I've done this before, only I called it "Saturday night"

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike
EMAIL:
IP: 216.173.212.237
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 10/16/2003 08:37:10 PM
Oh, yeah, absolutely. I'm in the "happens anyway" camp so why not?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Enigma
EMAIL: enigmasconundrum@hotmail.com
IP: 68.81.172.42
URL: http://www.hush-nah-chile.net/enigma
DATE: 10/16/2003 10:42:10 PM
i totally ran from nanowrimo last year. planning on making a serious attempt this year.

i'd be in for nadruwrini!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: oldtimey
EMAIL: grr@grrgrr.com
IP: 65.243.230.25
URL: http://www.three-rings.com/oldtimey
DATE: 10/17/2003 08:06:27 PM
Yeah, I'd be up for it too. In my young and foolish days, a friend and I would always try to write the quintessential "I am so drunk, but I just wanted to tell you that I love you, man" -- but often I would screw up in typing the email address, and the message would bounce back. Embarrassing reading.

Should the drink sizes be standardized, or should everyone be able to monitor/totally disrespect their own alcohol tolerance?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: steph
EMAIL:
IP: 64.217.219.34
URL:
DATE: 10/17/2003 09:16:38 PM
haha, nanowrimo last year was hell >

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ed
EMAIL: ed@edrants.com
IP: 64.81.55.66
URL: http://www.edrants.com
DATE: 10/18/2003 01:00:42 AM
Could be worse, B. You could be on schedule with the word count, only to have your apartment succumb to a fire.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.104.122
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 10/18/2003 10:06:28 PM
I wish you were having this right now, because I'm sooooo drunk.

 

Living and Loving With El DeBarge
10/16/2003 02:22:05 PM



Sometimes a love won't let go. Hard as I try I know it shows. Everybody's telling me, "You'll be over her eventually." But how am I supposed to feel so secure, when I keep wondering who's holding Donna now? And I keep wondering who's heart she's knocking around. There's nothing I wouldn't do to be in his shoes somehow. And I keep wondering who's holding Donna now; and I keep wondering what magic can be found, to turn me back to the one who's holding Donna now?

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: wabbit@groovebunny.com
IP: 68.111.173.254
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/16/2003 03:32:10 PM
I opened for El Debarge once! It was for a private party. He took so long during his sound check that we only had a few moments to do ours. Then during his wait time he got so drunk that when it was time for him to perform he did half of "Who's Holding Donna" before he literally fell down on stage. It was quite comical really. I never heard a man scream like a banshee before that night. :) Ahhh memories... So I know what you mean. I often find myself thinking of loves from my past when a certain song comes on. Sometimes it leaves me sad wondering what the hell went wrong.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcahracter.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/16/2003 03:40:17 PM
Wait, what?

You "opened" for El Debarge?

You're like my god now. Send me a little gold statue of yourself.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.144.19
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 10/16/2003 03:48:35 PM
What Estella said: What? That is just about the most awesome thing I've ever heard.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey osborne is god
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 67.75.15.49
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com/weblog
DATE: 10/16/2003 03:48:41 PM
You look at me and I begin to melt just like the snow when the ray of sun is felt. And I'm sure that you're an angel in diguise. Come, take my hand and together we will ride... on the wings of love, up and above the clouds, the only way to fly is on the wings of love. On the wings of love only the two of us together flying high. Flying high upon... the wings of love.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.144.19
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 10/16/2003 03:52:05 PM
Wow, first I get El DeBarge to guest post on my blog, then someone who actually opened for El DeBarge comments, and then Jeffrey Osborne comments on my blog. I feel like I'm in the lobby of the Beverly Hills Hotel circa 1985.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: wabbit@groovebunny.com
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/16/2003 06:31:37 PM
Hehe. The key words are "private party." So it wasn't like I was on tour with him or anything. ;) Wooohooo Jeffrey Osbourne. I think I lost my virginity to some Jeffrey. :)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Enigma
EMAIL: enigmasconundrum@hotmail.com
IP: 68.81.172.42
URL: http://www.hush-nah-chile.net/enigma
DATE: 10/16/2003 10:43:54 PM
oh that was mean. very very mean. i'm gonna wake up singing that song and wanna curse you. damn! i hope it's up for download.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jima
EMAIL: jima@legnog.com
IP: 68.21.1.130
URL: http://www.empty-handed.com
DATE: 10/17/2003 03:21:43 AM
So El never answered the question. Who IS holding Donna now?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Pete
EMAIL: deucepm@further-adventures.com
IP: 151.203.213.204
URL: http://www.further-adventures.com/shoot
DATE: 10/17/2003 03:27:39 AM
Long as we're asking El questions, did he ever find out who Johnny was?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jima
EMAIL: jima@legnog.com
IP: 207.7.7.214
URL: http://www.empty-handed.com
DATE: 10/17/2003 07:58:09 AM
Say...

You don't suppose...

JOHNNY AND DONNA???

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/17/2003 09:33:46 AM
Who has a private party and hires El Debarge?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Pete
EMAIL: deucepm@further-adventures.com
IP: 66.31.187.252
URL: http://www.further-adventures.com/shoot
DATE: 10/17/2003 10:28:24 AM
His mom?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BoyKani
EMAIL: darren_kani@yahoo.com
IP: 199.4.18.2
URL: http://www.boykani.com/weblog/weblog.htm
DATE: 10/17/2003 02:43:15 PM
You dweeb. Sharing DeBarge singles. You should be sharing THE WHOLE ALBUM.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 198.104.0.100
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 10/17/2003 03:10:13 PM
I actually meant to, but I only had time to rip the one song off the album before my laptop went tits up!

 

Off the Grid
10/17/2003 12:03:35 PM

Because my (now former) ISP sucks, I was unable to connect to the Internet all yesterday night. Luckily, I had prepared for this contingency (it's the Boy Scout training), and spent the evening reading "books" and interacting non-electronically with members of my household.

Sandra noted that the non-glazed-and-fixed expression on my face was a refreshing change of pace. "But once we get connected again you're gonna be like this" -- emulating a glazed-and-fixed expression -- "again."

Now that's just silly.

Silly.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56nospam@yahoo.com
IP: 67.250.184.201
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 10/17/2003 01:03:05 PM
I was trying to look like Tor Johnson while I did that expression... did I succeed?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: hannah
EMAIL: hannahw@med.umich.edu
IP: 141.214.129.152
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/misshannah
DATE: 10/17/2003 01:30:05 PM
Huh. I thought I sensed a disturbance in the force.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: charbaybi@groovebunny.com
IP: 209.246.244.90
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/17/2003 02:12:11 PM
So you will notice quite a number of hits on your site lastnight as I kept coming back thinking...Update! Update! Update! And now that you've mentioned glazed, I've got a hankering for a box of donuts that won't quit.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/17/2003 06:40:01 PM
Oh, thanks a lot, Bunny.

Mmmm.

Donuts.

 

In My Day, We Bounced a White Pixel Back and Forth Across a Black Screen...and We Liked It!
10/17/2003 12:38:54 PM

Kids these days don't know how good they have it. Supercomputer-class game consoles, photorealistic games with A.I.'s smart enough to do your homework for you. I realized with horror recently that there is now an entire generation of human beings on this planet who have never lived in a world without Nintendo.

In a way, though, I feel sorry for them. They're growing up in the full flower of the Computer Age, amidst an entertainment technology that has already matured. They're playing games more sophisticated than my wildest childhood geek fantasies. (What's especially amusing is to watch a 70's science fiction movie where they're playing a "futuristic" videogame that's primitive by today's standards -- we've outstripped our own imaginations.) But I doubt that their attitude towards these games approaches the sense of awesome wonder with which my generation greeted the first videogames. Just to be able to move a colored block across a video screen and shoot a smaller colored block at another colored block...this was mind-blowing stuff.

One of the first computer games I ever played was a "Star Trek" game written in Basic that someone had cooked up in their spare time. (Of course, back then pretty much all computer games were home-brewed.) The whole thing was in ASCII; the Klingons were represented by a capital "K" and the Enterprise was a capital "E." They shot asterisks at each other. I spent HOURS playing this game. I think the whole thing took up about 20k.

Of course, at the time I was a lot more interested in the way Sally Greenwalt's knees looked beneath her school uniform than in computer programming, which is why I'm not a millionaire right now, and consequently have as little of a chance of seeing Sally Greenwalt's knees as I did back then.

But enough of this tedious nostalgia -- read this amusing article where they had kids play and comment on those primitive games of yesteryear.

Brian: I saw a documentary on this. The game was so popular in arcades that it got jammed up with quarters.

John: In this thing? [Points to the Pong game console]

Tim: I would never pay to play something like this.

Fucking kids.

UPDATE: For some radical old-school gaming action, play the Degenatron!!! (Note: this is a joke site associated with Grand Theft Auto, but the games are playable.) [Link via Sandra.]

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: hannah
EMAIL: hannahw@med.umich.edu
IP: 141.214.129.152
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/misshannah
DATE: 10/17/2003 01:21:21 PM
Oh man kids *do* say the darndest things. That article was hilarious. Especially the part when they were begging ET to die.

Is it true that in the remastered (or whatever) version of ET the guns were digitally changed into keys? I remember extensive discussions about the pedophilic subtext of that movie in an American Studies class I had.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 198.104.0.100
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 10/17/2003 01:35:42 PM
They were friends dammit! Just friends! Their relationship wasn't creepy at all! Ask Michael Jackson, I'm sure he would agree!

The guns, from what I recall, were turned into flashlights. Since the fact that they were carrying guns was probably the LEAST frightening thing about those characters, I didn't see the point of altering this, but it didn't affect the movie that much for me. What did bother me was that they changed a line of dialogue to remove the word "terrorist," in a way that made the scene kind of nonsensical.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 67.106.83.29
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 10/17/2003 01:57:53 PM
Another problem with the advanced level of graphics/physics technology available today is that it's so flashy that it's made game developers pay more attention to that aspect than actual gameplay.

Back then, it was clearly understood that graphics were *symbols* whose actual appearance would take on less and less importance to players and that gameplay *is* the game. Sometime in the PlayStation age, the ratio of fun games to nice-looking throwaways became much worse.

Although it was cool that those kids were looking for power-ups in Pong.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL: http://formyselfandothers.blogspot.com/
DATE: 10/17/2003 02:08:41 PM
I played that Star Trek game, B, on my C64....for HOURS...and DAYS...and WEEKS...

On the other hand, I also played "Syberia", one of the most graphically beautiful wastes of a game idea I've ever dealt with. That was done in about 4 days, after which I debated throwing it repeatedly -- with force AND enthusiasm -- against a hard surface until it cried.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 198.104.0.100
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 10/17/2003 02:28:14 PM
Jim: I agree. I get so annoyed with game reviewers who wax rhapsodic over the amazing visuals of a game while ignoring the fact that it is basically the same game the industry has been cranking out for years!

Sherri: You know what I loved, was the fact that the Kingons were called "Klarnons" (for copyright reasons?). I still call them Klarnons whenever I talk about Trek.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Enigma
EMAIL: enigmasconundrum@hotmail.com
IP: 68.81.172.42
URL: http://www.hush-nah-chile.net/enigma
DATE: 10/17/2003 02:54:16 PM
ah ping & pong. i remember it well. i still hook up the colecovision w/the atari attachment and play mousetrap and space invaders for old times sake. yes, seriously. it still works.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL:
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/17/2003 03:07:21 PM
"Fear my pink line!" I love it. I was a foosball queen back in the day, so I have to admit to not playing many of the earlier games. But I did have Pong and my brother and I would spend many late nights having Foosball/Pong championship matches.:)

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike
EMAIL:
IP: 216.173.212.237
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 10/17/2003 05:29:35 PM
Oh my grey-haired fellow veterans of Starfleet, I bring you the One True Star Trek game:

http://www.dunnington.u-net.com/public/startrek/

http://www.cactus.org/~nystrom/startrek.html

http://www.cactus.org/~nystrom/startrek2.html

http://www.almy.us/sst.html

You know, I found a Palm port of ADVENT not to long ago. I wonder...

And alas, the best Mac bet in that linkset appears to be here:

ftp://ftp.cfi.org/pub/ccn/startrek/bsdtrek.tar.Z

which is a version for BSD.

Hmmmm

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike
EMAIL:
IP: 216.173.212.237
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 10/17/2003 05:31:27 PM
I should mention this:

http://shankel.best.vwh.net/opentrek.html

although, frankly, that's pushing it.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike
EMAIL:
IP: 216.173.212.237
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 10/17/2003 05:37:17 PM
also sisters, sorry!

*blush*

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike
EMAIL:
IP: 216.173.212.237
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 10/17/2003 05:57:26 PM
for palm:

http://shop.store.yahoo.com/pilotgearsw/chrisolson.html

(not mine, though - I'm a cheapskate and use Palm OS 2.x)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL: http://formyselfandothers.blogspot.com/
DATE: 10/17/2003 06:34:50 PM
Somewhere, once upon a time (the link is long lost to me now) was a whole site set up with emulations and so forth for ancient and venerable PC games. One of my highgeek friends had downloaded just about everything -- like the 30 different versions of "Tank" .... which I remember playing with about 6 friends on 1 pc, taking turns firing your particular tank...and THIS would fill up a Friday evening.

You know, I never DID have a life.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 10/18/2003 06:59:31 AM
How can ANYONE dis Palm?

When I finally bought a computer (IBM PS1 with 1MB memory), I had a card game that you could pick the characters and they'd say things to you. One of the characters was a bulldog that would growl at you if you gave him the queen of spades when playing hearts. I'd love to find a version of that game for "modern day" computers. Anyone know of one?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: panajane EMAIL: panajane@hotmail.com
IP: 200.46.134.109
URL: http://panajane.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/18/2003 09:57:37 AM
That article was funny. I was too young for Atari and the other old arcade games, but I did play alot of NES when it first came out. The carnivorous plants always got me.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.131.169.249
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 10/19/2003 03:42:01 PM
Reading those kids' comments kind of bugs me ("Have you no respect, you little brats?!"), but having recently played some of the old games on my Atari and NES, I have to say... it's kind of hard to go back to the days where you had to play the entire game, start to finish, without ever saving it. It brought back forgotten memories of sweaty, tired fingers and of broken controllers that had been thrown against the wall one too many times. Video games were a lot more stressful when I was a kid.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike whybark
EMAIL: mike@whybark.com
IP: 216.173.212.237
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 10/20/2003 12:44:05 AM
hey, check it out-


http://www.palmr.com/argentina/Programa.asp?CODIGO=4174

has that Trek game for the Palm available as no-pay DL; you have to enter your email address, but the game comes right in. The author describes the game as shareware, so, nothin's shady.

AND

I was mistaken about my Pal, it can play it, and guess what? It's genuinely impressive! I say, check it out!

(and send me your dead powerbook to add to my evergrowing army of zombie slave computers)

 

Geeky Friday
10/17/2003 03:08:52 PM

You know how on NPR's "Talk of the Nation" they have "Science Friday"? Well, I think on this site I'm gonna have "Geeky Friday" where I talk about dorky shit like videogames and Star Trek. See, that's a play on the title of the movie "Freaky Friday," except with "Geeky" instead of "Freaky." That's funny because it's a pun, and also because it's a kitschy pop culture reference. Also, the fact that I launched into this extended tangent is funny because it's unexpected, and surprise/aberration is one of the basic elements of humor. For example, if a guy slips on a banana peel, it's funny because it's aberrant and because of a combination of Schadenfreude and "I've been there/it's funny because it's true" sympathy. Yet it's not gut-bustingly funny because it's an old joke. This is why jokes lose their impact with repetition. But what if the guy slips but instead of falling to the ground, he flies up out of the "mental frame?" Now that's hilarious, because the flying upward was totally unexpected. Now, at this point the "extended tangent" thing has become familiar, and therefore tiresome and unfunny, so let's get back to the topic at hand.

My Five Favorite PC Games:

1) MEDAL OF HONOR: ALLIED ASSAULT - Now, in many ways this is a standard First-Person Shooter (FPS), with the running around tunnels and picking up guns and all of that, but this MOH:AA is an example of how great gameplay can transcend the samey-samey quality of the typical FPS. The game has real atmosphere, non-repetitive missions, and compelling storylines and level designs that convey a realistic sense of danger and adventure. I find it far superior to a game like RETURN TO CASTLE WOLFENSTEIN because of the strength of its writing (there's an urgency that makes you feel the high stakes involved) and its sincerity.

This game doesn't seem like just a bunch of puzzles thrown together, or a glorified arcade game, or a tedious "interactive novel." Its realism makes you feel at times as if you're really stuck in a battle somewhere in WWII. When I first heard about this game I was a little offended; the idea that a computer game would attempt to recreate the experience of fighting in WWII seemed presumptuous and degrading to the memories of the actual veterans of that war. After playing it, though, I realized that in fact this game is an honest tribute to those soldiers. The first time you land on Omaha Beach and find yourself dead within the first two seconds of starting the level, you gain a horrifying appreciation for what the actual soldiers had to endure that day. In real life you don't get saved games and infinite do-overs, and that awareness throws a shadow of grim horror over everything you do in the game from that point.

In that sense, it may be the first anti-war war game. I don't know if a 13-year-old is going to pick up on that, but I can't imagine sane human beings playing this game and thinking war is cool or fun. It's the first computer game that made me feel genuine horror and revulsion -- not because it's gory (the kills are bloodless) or "extreme," but because it's as true-to-life as any video game I've ever played.

- - - Comments - - -

 

Certified Apple Wrecknician
10/18/2003 03:25:29 AM

So, a few months ago I accidentally knocked over a small table. Or rather, my dog knocked it over, but since I was chasing the dog at the time it's technically my fault. No big deal, except that my Powerbook was sitting on the table at the time. Oops.

Amazingly, considering that it fell smack dab onto the non-made-of-goose-down kitchen floor, the Powerbook still worked just fine...except that the power board was smashed all to hell. Plugging it in no longer works, so I've had to improvise a complex system of battery-switching with an external charger. Which is kind of a pain in the ass, and my batteries seem to be petering out on me, so today I got the bright idea of opening 'er up and seeing if I could fix it.

Two facts about yours truly that you might not know. The first is that I possess the Touch of Death. Whether it be organic or inorganic, anything I lay my hands on eventually dies horribly. Remind me to tell you someday about my one and only gardening experience. It wasn't pretty. And yes, this curse extends to electronic equipment.

The second fact is that, for some reason, my extensive experience with the aforementioned Touch of Death never stops me from trying to fix things, even if they broke in the first place because of my Touch of Death.

Both of these facts came into play during my afternoon sojourn into the guts of the Powerbook. Which is now decidedly Powerless.

I took it apart, checked the power card to confirm that, yes, it was smashed all to hell, and put it back together exactly the way it was before I started. I swear. Exactly. Why I ended up with a leftover screw I can't tell you. Yet, when I turned it on...nothing. So I dismantled it again, thinking maybe I'd unseated something important. Put it back together again, this time taking it extra slow and making damn sure everything was in place.

This time I ended up with two leftover screws.

I guess it's a good thing I didn't become a surgeon after all!

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 10/18/2003 06:55:14 AM
I'm sorry for your loss. My condolences.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL: http://formyselfandothers.blogspot.com/
DATE: 10/18/2003 09:03:37 AM
I sorrow for you.

I also suspect they had you in mind when they created the "No User Servicable Parts Inside" sticker.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Miel
EMAIL:
IP: 166.70.179.53
URL: http://www.faeriemiel.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/18/2003 10:22:15 AM
Teehee.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Smivey
EMAIL: smivey@yahoo.com
IP: 64.167.79.99
URL: http://smivey.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/18/2003 11:21:32 AM
While it's sad to hear that your Powerbook is no more. It's good to know that you are at least a fellow Mac user. For those of you who are wondering, yes, it is a cult.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike
EMAIL:
IP: 216.173.212.237
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 10/18/2003 01:21:28 PM
Do you need tech manuals? I think I might have some, depending on how old the 'book is.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: charbaybi@groovebunny.com
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/18/2003 11:38:45 PM
Sorry about the loss of your powerbook. I love macs. I just can't afford em!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: curz
EMAIL: capriporn@hotmail.com
IP: 65.151.226.153
URL:
DATE: 10/19/2003 12:44:53 AM
silly asian.

what about utensils? do those ever meet scary deaths?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: serenity
EMAIL: serenity@serenitysjournal.com
IP: 66.119.33.135
URL: http://www.serenitysjournal.com
DATE: 10/19/2003 02:08:49 PM
I usually end up with left over parts but for some reason, the stuff always works. Which, naturally, inflates my ego to the point I think I can fix anything.

Want me to look at it?

heh

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.131.169.249
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 10/19/2003 03:46:35 PM
Sounds like it's finally time to seek some professional help.

Also, you might want to take your Powerbook to the computer repair shop. ;-)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rengirl
EMAIL: imac@pixelsensei.com
IP: 12.22.65.5
URL:
DATE: 10/20/2003 09:54:53 AM
I think it's the perfect excuse to get a new G5, don't you think?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B² EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 67.250.83.36
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 10/20/2003 09:57:58 AM
Exactly!

 

¿Quién es Más Macho?
10/20/2003 01:01:43 PM

And now it is the time when we ask the extremely important question that is on all of our minds...




Captain James T. Kirk

OR


An Imperial Star Destroyer

Answer below...

Y el mas macho es...

An Imperial Star Destroyer

Although Kirk is a formidable melee fighter, as evidenced by his skill in the Triskelion arena in The Gamesters of Triskelion, and a resourceful opponent (witness his brilliant strategem against the Gorn on Cestus III in Arena), even his renowned "Kirk chop," which can render its victim unconscious with a single blow to the shoulder, would be of little value against the titanium-reinforced durasteel/carbon alloy of the Star Destroyer's hull. The Destroyer's turbolasers and ion cannons would also easily disintegrate Kirk's body unless he were heavily shielded.

It is our opinion that, despite Kirk's unquestioned fighting skills, in an equal match against an Imperial Star Destroyer he would be unlikely to prevail.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jesse
EMAIL: tryturkey@yahoo.com
IP: 64.160.45.210
URL: http://turkeydinner.net
DATE: 10/20/2003 01:24:23 PM
counter point: Kirk has bagged more alien hussies than an Imperial Star Destroyer could possibly hold.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/20/2003 01:55:05 PM
counter point II: Kirk has a way better polyester wardrobe.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 67.106.83.29
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 10/20/2003 02:16:57 PM
The Star Destroyer is pretty phallic, though.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 67.106.83.29
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 10/20/2003 02:17:18 PM
Well, make that "somewhat" phallic.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jima
EMAIL: jima@legnog.com
IP: 207.7.7.214
URL: http://www.empty-handed.com
DATE: 10/20/2003 02:23:57 PM
Yeah, but have you ever heard an Imperial Star Destroyer singing "Mister Tambourine Man"?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/20/2003 02:24:20 PM
While Captain Kirk does have the benifit of an actual gender (male), the imperial star destroyer is infinitely more badass.

¡Imperial Star Destroyer es mas macho!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Pete
EMAIL: deucepm@further-adventures.com
IP: 151.203.213.204
URL: http://www.further-adventures.com/shoot
DATE: 10/20/2003 02:37:25 PM
The Imperial Star Destroy cannot sing. How can it compose mariachi love songs for its women? Answer: it cannot.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: bakiwop
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 66.84.174.207
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 10/20/2003 02:39:55 PM
point: the imperial star destroyer doesn;t shoot blanks.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Katemonkey
EMAIL: katemonkey@digitalcandy.net
IP: 80.4.128.26
URL: http://www.katemonkey.co.uk/
DATE: 10/20/2003 02:51:35 PM
Screw both of them -- the big penis-shaped Babylon 5 owns both of them.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: miguel
EMAIL: miguel@whybark.com
IP: 216.173.212.237
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 10/20/2003 02:57:06 PM
Puede un destructor imperial de la estrella sentir el dolor de los celos, de la alegr a del primer beso interracial de la televisi n, o de la angustia de un hijo perdido?

Pienso no!

Restos de capit n Kirk - la mayor a del macho!

-----
COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ms Lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.134.91
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 10/20/2003 04:36:47 PM
What about an Imperial Star Destroyer made out of Legos? That is fucking macho.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 10/20/2003 04:39:08 PM
Now see, where my relatives are from (Arkansas), they judge macho by how much harm a man can inflict on the women in their lives. Capt. Kirk's girlfriends may not die by his hand, but they drop like flies nonetheless.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56nospam@yahoo.com
IP: 67.75.200.216
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 10/20/2003 04:45:27 PM
You are wrong, my friend. The Imperial Star Destroyer cannot outwit a no-win situation. Faced with such an ordeal, it would surely perish in flames. Meanwhile, Kirk emerges unscathed.

I also should point out that the Imperial Star Destroyer, if incapacitated, would not be able to function, however Kirk carries on despite flu that causes vomiting approximately every 30 minutes, and a 105 degree temperature.

Finally, if nothing else convinces you, his very manly side-look-clench-jaw manuever will surely tip the scales to his favor. More powerful than even the Kirk Chop, this look will freeze an opponent at 20 paces, or melt an alien babe until she is mere puddy in his hands.

Kirk es mas macho!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/20/2003 05:45:02 PM
Sandra should move in with me now.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: j-a
EMAIL:
IP: 202.71.195.230
URL: http://www.whatarewedoinghere.blogspot.com

DATE: 10/20/2003 06:54:59 PM

definitely imperial star destroyer. it does not have sissy wavy hair so it will never need brillo or any bacon lard to keep it up.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 67.75.200.216
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 10/21/2003 02:20:08 AM
You people are sick. Sick I tell you! Especially Miguel. How dare you say that about Estella? And Kirk would so be Starfleet-issue jelly if he went up against a Star Destroyer. I refuse to discuss this issue further until you guys get your priorities in order. Next you'll be telling me that Green Arrow could beat the Flash in a fair fight.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: curz
EMAIL:
IP: 198.188.250.43
URL:
DATE: 10/21/2003 08:02:06 AM
who the hell is the green arrow?

the answer is simple. neither are macho.

the end. now get online or film some man porns.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56nospam@yahoo.com
IP: 67.250.176.165
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 10/21/2003 10:59:44 AM
OK, as I was packing my bags to go move in with Estella, I had a thought about your Green Arrow/Flash comparison. And the answer is that Green Arrow could TOTALLY kick Flash's ass in a fair fight.

I mean, let's consider the facts: Green Arrow shoots arrows all the damn time. He's tres buff. Flash is very fast and also buff, but if he couldn't use his super power and just had to fight man-to-man, Green Arrow would knock him down with the first blow. I mean, shit - if the guy puts even half his weight behind the punch, Flash is folding like a paper umbrella.

Meanwhile, since Green Arrow has like, what, 1% body fat, he's gonna withstand a lot of punching by the wiry Flashmeister.

Plus, he's got the beard. Flash has, what, the Mercury sunglasses? No contest.

I bet you think Aqua Man beats Sub Mariner, too. Sheesh!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: miguel
EMAIL: miguel@whybark.com
IP: 216.173.212.237
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 10/21/2003 11:03:56 AM
est-R-ella, cabron.

Puede un destructor imperial de la estrella hacer estallar Riley en la quijada mientras que la m sica va DUN-dun-dUN-dun-dun dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-dun-?

El destructor imperial de la estrella lo exhibe es pecho sin pelo v a el engranaje estrat gico del bondage del rasg n o del H-arne's de la camisa?

Tiene el destructor imperial de la estrella braved la c lera de Kahn?

El destructor imperial de la estrella ha entrado en la tierra de la muerte en la fragua de Vulcan caliente para ahorrar a un amigo de los peligros * estremecimiento * del acoplamiento?

Pienso no!

Capit n Kirk - es l la mayor a del macho!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike whybark
EMAIL: mike@whybark.com
IP: 216.173.212.237
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 10/21/2003 11:07:09 AM
heh heh

"la c lera de Kahn"

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 67.106.83.29
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 10/21/2003 11:37:02 AM
Here's an equally amusing debate of the same nature.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: gene
EMAIL: spinward@Hotmail.com
IP: 63.136.96.13
URL: http://www.somethingoutofnothing.net
DATE: 10/21/2003 12:49:46 PM
Man, nothing gets out the vote like the Star Trek/Wars talk. Shatner for governor!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL:
IP: 209.246.244.90
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/21/2003 01:01:38 PM
My vote goes to the Imperial Star Destroyer. While I enjoyed the crew of the Enterprise, I was always secretly wishing for an ep that would show Captain Kirk getting beat to a bloody pulp, or a scene where he never makes it back to the ship via the transporter and instead is reassembled as a love slave in someone elses sci-fi show and dies within the first 5 minutes of the opening. :)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56nospam@yahoo.com
IP: 67.250.176.165
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 10/21/2003 02:29:02 PM
Yes, but during the time that Kirk was receiving the beating, his shirt would tear and some alien babe would come to his rescue. Or, if he's reassembled as a love slave, they wouldn't get rid of him! He wouldn't die, he'd get promoted to Love Tzar.

Can the Imperial Star Destroyer do that?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: charbaybi@groovebunny.com
IP: 209.246.244.90
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/21/2003 04:00:07 PM
Love Tzar??? hehehe! I think the whole premise of Star Trek wasn't about traveling where no man has gone before but rather to promote intergallatic love among humumoid species of all multitudeness of colorfulness. Tres psychodelic flava flave of the creators. ;)

The Imperial Star Destroyer is all about domination, destruction and who has the biggest Schwartz. "May the Schwartz be with you." :)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/21/2003 04:03:12 PM
An Imperial Star Destroyer may not be as smoove as Kirk, but then again I do find the ablility to blow up vast swaths of the galaxy and fly through space to be pretty frickin' hot.

This is probably why I don't have a boyfriend.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: charbaybi@groovebunny.com
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/21/2003 06:22:55 PM
Oh who needs a boyfriend when we have the internet!

okay...so I'd rather have a boyfriend. *sighs*

correction-*humanoid*

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: curz
EMAIL: capriporn@hotmail.com
IP: 65.151.228.207
URL:
DATE: 10/21/2003 10:26:07 PM
less bitching!!! more man porns!!!

B?! b....B!!!

ooh. maybe he's filming. muahahaha.

SNorPNaM XD XD XD XD XD

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56nospam@yahoo.com
IP: 67.250.176.165
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 10/22/2003 12:13:15 AM
Listen, in the world o' Kirk there are bound to be Robot Love Slaves, and then none of us have to bitch about boyfriends. Just fire up the old Spartacus 4000.

That's a world I want to live in.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: wabbit@groovebunny.com
IP: 209.246.244.90
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/22/2003 10:53:19 AM
Spartacus 4000!:) What novel idea Sandra! I wonder what kind of batteries something like that would take? For some reason I'm having visions of rows upon rows of robot love slave boyfriends hooked up to those electric car charging stations at Costco while their female owners do their shopping. Me thinks this is an idea that must be pondered upon further.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56nospam@yahoo.com
IP: 67.250.82.160
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 10/22/2003 11:00:32 AM
Ha ha ha! That is such a funny image.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ed
EMAIL: ed@edrants.com
IP: 12.99.104.155
URL: http://www.edrants.com
DATE: 10/22/2003 11:35:25 AM
1. Kirk can outtalk a computer and cause it to self-destruct in smoke. The Star Destroyer must resort to brute force. How suave is the Star Destroyer?

2. Kirk invents card games like fizzbin on the fly. The Star Destroyer doesn't play so much as solitaire.

3. Kirk stole a starship to restore the life of his best friend and was demoted to Captain. The Star Destroyer doesn't have any friends or rank.

4. Kirk is so polymorphously perverse that he works out of Starfleet Headquarters in San Francisco. The Star Destroyer is disappointingly asexual.

5. Kirk wears torn tunics in battle. The Star Destroyer doesn't have the decency to wear so much as boxers.

6. Kirk was split in two, revealing a darker, more evil Kirk within that tried to rape Yeoman Rand. The Star Destroyer is merely evil.

7. Kirk's last words were, "It was fun. Oh my!" The Star Destroyer is less articulate.

8. Years later, in DS9, Kirk is approached by Captain Sisko for an autograph. The Star Destroyer is instantly forgotten.

9. Kirk uses over-the-top gesticulations to negotiate with an alien race. The Star Destroyer has no limbs.

10. Kirk signs off on funky reports on a bulky clipboard with three blinking lights on the top. He is a model capitalist in an idealistic world. The Star Destroyer doesn't have a checking account. -----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jen
EMAIL: jen@pixeldecor.com
IP: 24.209.12.237
URL: http://www.verybigdesign.com/verybigblog
DATE: 10/22/2003 02:37:28 PM
Can a Imperial star cruiser get it's shirt ripped off every episode by a muscle bound alien every episode and still get every alien piece of ass from here to DS9?

I think not.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike
EMAIL: mike@whybark.com
IP: 216.173.212.237
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 10/22/2003 05:26:06 PM
Oh, yeah, Ed! Work it, baby!

 

Human Race: Doomed. Part XXXIV of a Series
10/22/2003 12:55:24 PM

Note: This is probably the longest-ass entry I've ever written. You have my permission to skip it entirely.

In fact, I'm gonna just move the whole thing to another page. Click below if you want to read it.

Synopsis: Fucking God Damn Lying Sons of Bitches and the Gullible Public That Eats the Shit Up.

By the way, thanks for the e-mail, Ed. It's good to know I'm not alone.

I'm in the middle of reading the Al Franken book, Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them. I've never read a book so drop-down funny that has made me so depressed and disgusted at the same time.

Pop Quiz: Bush or Clinton?

During the administration of which president did the following first take place?

1. Proposal of a Department of Homeland Security;
2. Directive to hunt down and kill Osama bin Laden;
3. Lowering of crime rates;
4. U.S. military buildup.


If you answered "Bush" to any of the above, read this book.

If you believe any variation of the phrase "liberal media bias," read this book.

If your ammunition in any political debate comes from right-wing pundits like Sean Hannity or Bill O'Reilly, read this book.

I tend to avoid talking about politics in public forums and in private life, for a couple of reasons. One, I don't know anyone over the age of 18 who ever changed a fundamental political belief as the result of a debate. Whether you're a Republican or a Democrat, liberal or conservative, you cling to your views like a man in a desert clinging to a canteen. Things like "facts" and "reason" are left at the border of political thought. And two, most people, no matter how intelligent and reasonable they may be in every other sphere of their lives, become wide-eyed imbeciles in any issue concerning political beliefs. There's very little point in debating politics with anyone, because nobody seriously investigates the issue at hand. They match debate skills and joust over trivia and who knows more about what. If you go on long enough, it devolves further into ad hominem attacks and schoolyard mud flinging. Grown men and women regress into infancy.

Intellectual honesty? Forget it. It's about combing through the morass of punditry to find the nuggets that correspond to what you believe in, and chucking the rest over the side. Never mind truth. Never mind integrity. People who wouldn't tolerate the slightest bit of hypocrisy in their significant others and friends, gleefully swallow bucketloads from public figures. Why? Because it's easier that way. This person is telling me what I want to hear -- why should I make him go away?

Which brings me back to the Al Franken book. He's not telling me what I want to hear. In fact, I wish I could just stop reading and make it all go away.

He's telling me that we are being led by people of low character, who are willing to lie and commit unethical acts in order to gain and hold political power. He's telling me that a significant portion of the American people is perfectly willing to believe those lies and rationalize those unethical acts. He's telling me that we live in a nation that has become so intellectually and spiritually debased that most people don't even notice things like this anymore. We just want to live our happy little lives and ignore anything that disrupts the pretty picture.

Yeah, this is all coming from a "liberal" and can therefore be safely dismissed. But you know, in truth, ever since the Iraq war started up I can't really call myself a liberal anymore. I'm not a Democrat. I ally myself with that group of people that is just trying to figure out what the fuck is going on with this country. I was more partisan in my youth; just as there's no Christian so fervent as a Born Again Christian, there's no liberal as feisty as a former right-winger. But over the years I've been too disgusted with both sides to believe wholeheartedly in either. At this point I just want someone with genuine honesty and integrity and strength of character to lead this country. I honestly no longer care what political party that person comes out of. I'm bashing the right wing today because they're the ones currently pissing me off. Anyone who thinks I'm some one-track liberal stooge should have a talk with me about my views of anti-war protesters.

I haven't checked out much of the response to this book from "the right," but I can predict the tenor of it. Al is engaging in "personal attacks," spreading lies, etc. etc. But you know, the surprising thing about this book is how dispassionate it is. Yes, he does engage in some ironic hyperbole, which no doubt will go sailing over many people's heads. He doesn't pretend to be a neutral observer. The book is partisan, but it's also clear-eyed and makes no claims that aren't backed up. The fact checking is rigorous, which can't be said for some of the people discussed in the book.

Anyone who can read this book and still cling to a shred of respect for Bill O'Reilly, Ann Coulter, Rush Limbaugh or Sean Hannity is a moron. It's that simple. Even if half of what Franken reveals about these clowns were untrue, which it isn't, it would expose these right-wing pundits as dishonest, cynical, manipulative hacks who will do or say anything to "prove" their point. They have perfected the idea that it doesn't matter whether what you say is true or not, or if it's later refuted or not -- once you say it, it's out there, and the majority of people will swallow it. There is so much blind acceptance out there that I'm positive that people would eat their own feces if Bill O'Reilly told them it was filet mignon.

Take the ever-popular "Gore claimed he invented the Internet" story. Many people still believe this actually happened. It's so ingrained in the popular imagination that it's just taken for granted. Never mind that it's completely false. Or the story that Clinton staffers vandalized the White House before vacating it. It never actually happened, but again, it's been repeated and repeated ad nauseam, and in fact even I thought it was true until I read the real story.

I have a challenge for anyone out there who thinks Dubya is a terrific president and plans to vote for him next fall. Read this book. I double dog dare you. Because if you can read the litany of outright lies, dirty tricks, and cynical, amoral actions taken by this administration and still support it, then frankly, you deserve this president.

Read about what happened after Senator Paul Wellstone's death. Read about the Clinton administration policies Bush shot down before 9/11 that he then took credit for after 9/11. Read about the post-9/11 blame game. Read about Bush's promise to "change the tone" of political discourse while simultaneously preparing his partisan attacks. Read about all the "facts" people accept as truth that are in fact completely untrue.

But of course, few of you will actually read this book, because believe me, it won't say anything that will make your world any more comfortable.

Probably the most valid counter-argument I can think of to this book is that it's one-sided; it doesn't also expose the lies of the left. But gee, I don't recall any conservatives thrashing Rush or Ann for not providing a "fair and balanced" view of the Left in their books. I guess balance is only a requirement for the other side. (And frankly, after perusing some of the reviews over at Amazon, I think the negative reviews -- by people who, predictably, have obviously not read a single page of the book they're "reviewing" -- are the most persuasive argument for Al Franken that I can imagine. I almost suspect that liberals wrote those reviews to make the detractors look like total jackasses. Nothing bolsters your position more than an ill-informed, ignorant opposition.)

And in any case, even if both sides of the political fence have their lunatic fringe, at least we lefties aren't electing our lunatic fringe to political positions or giving them the center stage. That's the big difference between the right and the left. The left has its share of crazies and phonies, as conservatives are quick to point out. But they're kept on the fringe. They don't dominate the scene or direct the political discourse. One of the few things Republicans and Democrats have in common is that they're afraid of moving too far to the left.

And I love the fact that liberals are held to a standard of behavior that conservatives excuse themselves from. The process goes something like this:

1. Right-wingers make deceptive, hypocritical personal attacks on lefty targets.
2. Lefties point out the lies and hypocrisy.
3. Outraged right-wingers excoriate lefties for making personal attacks.
4. Rinse and repeat.

Remember the vein-popping outrage over Clinton's every moral failing or act of deception? Hey, where's that outrage now that the immorality and lies are coming from a Republican president? That's funny. I mean, the failings of the Bush Administration aren't just personal peccadilloes or from the distant past, but acts performed during this current administration that directly relate to the president's ability to lead and to his oath of office. Where are the calls for impeachment? You were willing to hang Clinton up by his balls for getting a blowjob from an intern, so if the White House deliberately places one of our own CIA agents' lives at risk in order to punish the agent's spouse for exposing a White House coverup, that must be really bad, right? Right? Hello?

And let's ask Rush what he thinks now about his call for stiffer penalties for drug abusing junkies. Hello? Hello?

But you know what? Really, it doesn't matter, and that's the depressing thing about all of this. People are going to believe what they believe no matter what comes out. Guys like Bill O'Reilly will continue spouting their lies, and people will go on believing them. People will continue to support and vote for Bush despite the presence of venal B-movie villains like Karl Rove working him like a ventriloquist dummy. Objections raised by people like myself will continue to be dismissed as "liberal ravings."

I think about that old story about the Emperor's New Clothes, and it strikes me now what a naively optimistic story that is. At the end, when the emperor is revealed as naked, people abandon him. He creeps off the stage, shamed and discredited. What a warm fantasy that is. In reality, at least in 2003, what happens is that the kid who pointed out that the emperor had no clothes is immediately condemned as a partisan attack dog, and the emperor hires a PR firm to produce numerous studies proving that the emperor is indeed wearing clothes despite his naked appearance, and that, even if he is naked, it's only because the liberals stole the clothes in the first place, and what about the previous emperor? Didn't he ever take his clothes off? Huh??

It just fills me with frustration and helplessness. I mean, it's like, this is the guy you wanted as President? It's not even a Republican-versus-Democrat thing. It's a what the fuck are you thinking thing. I want to understand. I really do. I could accept the idea of electing a relatively standup guy like John McCain, who at least has a fucking backbone, for God's sake. I disagree with the man's politics, but I can at least respect his character, and no one could quarrel with his war record. I will never understand how Republicans came to choose a draft-dodging, drunk-driving cokehead with scant command over the English language over a guy like McCain. You people mystify me. Your thought processes are a complete mystery. Let's see, this guy over here's a strong, charismatic leader and a war veteran who's not afraid to say unpopular things, and over here we have a craven, flaccid weenie from a family of weenies who barely made it through college, avoided Vietnam, and can't form a coherent sentence without coaching. I'm going with the weenie! God help me, I'm living in Bizarro World.

Does it bother anyone that we're being lied to, manipulated, our trust abused, that our every moral ideal and belief is being co-opted and used as a tool of control by people who, behind our backs, wipe their asses with those ideals? Is anyone a teensy bit peeved by this? Or are we too busy wondering who's going to be America's next Top Model to much care what we believe in or where it comes from?

It would be one thing if it were a situation where the truth was hidden and that, if exposed, everyone would slap their heads and go, "Oh my God, I can't believe I swallowed all that bullshit for so long!" But it's not like that. The fact is, the truth is out there, freely available for anyone to discover. But none of that matters, because people choose the lie. They choose to cover their eyes and go on believing what they want to believe. Or they go to the other extreme, and bury their anger in cynicism and a jaded, "what else did you expect?" attitude. I can't go that way. I may be bitter, but cynicism is too easy of a cop out.

We're doomed. We really are. There was a time when I believed in the Star Trek vision of humanity, where at some point we'd come to our senses and evolve into a more enlightened race. Then came the 2000 election. After that, I downgraded to a Babylon 5 view of humanity -- flawed, stupid, but still evolving. But you know, I can't even see that happening anymore. I'm now at the level of the movie A.I., in which humanity goes extinct and is superseded by a race of superintelligent mecha. If this world we're living in now represents the pinnacle of human progress, we haven't got a prayer. The evolution of humanity is ended, and the decline is in full swing.

No comments on this one. I don't really feel like talking about it. I'm not asking anyone to alter their beliefs. I don't care if anyone agrees with me or not. I'm just asking you to wake the fuck up and get informed before you cast your next vote. Or don't. Whatever. Read the book or don't. Believe whatever makes you happy.

Sorry to get all serious and shit on you, but I just can't fucking take it anymore. Laffs 'n fun to resume when I can think about the human race without gagging.

P.S.: Oh, and I almost forgot, Bush is about to sign the partial birth abortion ban. Don't worry about it, though. Politics is just something talking heads argue about on CNN. It doesn't affect your daily life.

Enjoy your President, folks.

 

Binge/Purge
10/22/2003 05:15:09 PM

Well that felt good.

 

Remembering Rerun
10/23/2003 02:31:13 AM

This spate of premature deaths of 80's sitcom actors needs to end. I mean right now. I still can't believe John Ritter is gone. And now Rerun? At 52? Insane.

I for one am going to miss Fred "Rerun" Berry. What's Happening!! may not have been up there with The Jeffersons or Diff'rent Strokes in the pantheon of great 70's sitcoms, but dude, that show rocked. I would fucking run home after school to catch every episode.

For you whippersnappers who don't know what the hell I'm talking about, What's Happening!! was a sitcom about a group of inner-city high school kids who hung out at a neighborhood diner, where they were regularly sassed by the waitress, Shirley, a big girl with a big 'fro and an even bigger attitude. Roger "Raj" Thomas was the gangly, bespectacled Spock to Rerun's Kirk, with Dwayne heading up the rear as...well, he's not really the Dr. McCoy. I actually want to say that he was the Donny of What's Happening!!, but that would be confusing, mixing Trek and Big Lebowski. So maybe Raj was the Dude and Rerun was Walter Sobchak, and Dwayne was "Shut the Fuck Up" Donny. Sure, why not.

Rounding out the main cast were Raj's annoying little sister, Dee, and Raj's Mama, who as far as I can recall was only ever called Mama. If she had a real name I never heard it. Anyway, the show was originally supposed to be centered around the rotund Rerun, and he came equipped with a catchphrase ("Hey hey hey!") [UPDATE: I was reminded by Melissa that this was actually Dwayne's catchphrase, not Reruns. I had completely forgotten that! Apparently Fred Berry had been using that catchphrase in recent years and as a result more than a few people have started to believe it was his all along. Shame on Rerun for hijacking Dwayne's catchphrase.] and a trademark dance (Fred Berry was a breakdancer) that appeared a few times too many. But the "Fonz" of the show turned out to be little Dee, who was like this demon of biting sarcasm, regularly scoring the other characters with acidic putdowns. She developed her own catchphrase ("Oooh, I'm gonna tell Mama!"), and soon her catchphrase and Rerun's catchphrase were locked in deadly combat.

Dee won out in the minds of most viewers. Rerun's Jerry Lewis-style goofy act couldn't compete with Dee's stony, Lady Macbeth-like evil. Still, Berry rode this part for all it was worth, since it was about the only thing he had going for him outside of breakdancing. He even changed his name legally to Rerun and went around all the time dressed in Rerun's trademark beret and suspenders. Which was kind of pathetic, but hell, why not, because you know that had to score big time with the ladies.

Anyway, most of the episodes revolved around Raj and the gang cooking up some harebrained scheme that would inevitably backfire, leading Dee to ominously intone that she would assuredly be informing Mama of Raj's misdeeds. More often than not, everything would work out and a valuable lesson would be learned.

Of course, the show eventually jumped the shark. Most people feel it happened during the third season, when the Doobie Brothers guest starred in a particularly preachy episode involving concert bootlegging. Now, for some reason I love sitcoms better after they jump the shark. I'm not sure why; maybe because sitcoms tend to rely more on character-driven stories in later years after the big bag of standard sitcom situations runs dry, or because the increasing desperation for story ideas leads to some weird-ass episodes -- like when Rerun joined a cult. At any rate, that 3rd season -- the last for the original series -- was my favorite. The show rose from the dead a few years later with What's Happening Now!, but it wasn't the same. (Which of course is why I loved it.)

Rerun apparently didn't have a very good time of it after both of those series bit the dust. He made a living breakdancing and doing TV appearances, and working the whole 80's nostalgia thing. Eventually he was reduced to doing shopping mall appearances and talking to fans on the phone for money. I guess he had the stereotypical 80's flash-in-the-pan life -- he blew his fortune up his nose and went broke waiting for his rising star to explode. I feel sorry for the guy -- it can't be easy to be in that position, never being sure if your success is going to last or not. Of course, it's probably easier to maintain perspective if you're not coked up all the time. But anyway.

It was a great show and whatever his personal troubles over the years, he was and always will be remembered by his fans. He's no doubt up in Heaven now, doing that stupid fucking dance on some cloud. May he rest in peace.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Robin
EMAIL: velvethellvis@fuse.net
IP: 208.21.61.190
URL:
DATE: 10/23/2003 06:00:15 AM
A fitting eulogy. I miss Rerun already.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: june
EMAIL: junemiller31@hotmail.com
IP: 206.40.41.253
URL: http://louveciennes.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/23/2003 08:29:06 AM
I saw it on the news this morning and immediately busted into that stupid dance. Funny how some things never go away. God bless you, Rerun!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ed
EMAIL: ed@edrants.com
IP: 64.81.55.66
URL: http://www.edrants.com
DATE: 10/23/2003 06:40:16 PM
Count me in as a closet "What's Happening?" fan. The show was good-natured and it served as a bridge between weekday afternoon cartoons and (I believe) the 6:00 PM airing of the latest TOS "Star Trek." In one day, I watched far more television as a kid than I do now in two weeks.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Melissa
EMAIL: melbruce2003@yahoo.com
IP: 207.168.70.170
URL: http://strangetales.fishouttawater.net/mulletover
DATE: 10/29/2003 07:43:23 AM
Wasn't "Hey hey hey" Dwayne's catchphrase?

I saw Fred Berry a few weeks ago on, of all show, "Classmates." Shortly after that, he passed on. I wonder if there is some sort of correlation.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 67.75.232.223
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 10/29/2003 01:21:34 PM
Melissa: You know what -- you're absolutely right! That was Dwayne's catchphrase! I did some digging into this, and it turns out Fred Berry had been using it like it was his own, and a lot of articles now are reporting it as a Rerun line, which I think is why I made that mistake myself. Damn. Thanks for the heads-up.

 

Pong Made Me Do It
10/23/2003 01:31:55 PM

Wow, this article takes me back to my own wacky videogame-related adventures as a kid. I remember one time I played Dig Dug, and it inspired me to dig a series of interlocking tunnels underneath my backyard! Then I played Frogger, which was so awesome I immediately went outside and ran back and forth across the busy interstate! Oh, and I'll never forget the time I became a fucking dipshit moron and shot at cars because I played a videogame where you could do that and was too much of a shit for brains to know not to do stupid crap like that in real life. Man, that was coooool!

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: bakiwop
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 66.84.175.188
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 10/23/2003 02:15:04 PM
a-fucking-men.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/23/2003 03:22:22 PM
Totally.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: fake socks
EMAIL: bs_liang@hotmail.com
IP: 68.124.162.132
URL:
DATE: 10/23/2003 07:27:56 PM
tru dat b. you don't see me and chelsea shooting up peepz and socking down to the ground where we continue to kick them until their money pops out so that we can steal it.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Allie
EMAIL: allie@analyze-this.us
IP: 148.78.243.25
URL: http://www.analyze-this.us
DATE: 10/24/2003 01:35:42 AM
For a minute... I thought you were like, for real. Hmm. But I can relate. Not too long ago I went gaga over the game Lawnmower Man and at night, I would hop on my riding lawn mower and go around the neighborhood mowing crazy patterns in my neighbors' lawns.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.117.192.66
URL: http://theshakedown.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/24/2003 06:53:26 AM
Can someone say copout? Seriously, what is happening to people's common sense and reasoning abilities these days?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Pete
EMAIL: deucepm@further-adventures.com
IP: 66.31.187.252
URL: http://www.further-adventures.com/shoot
DATE: 10/24/2003 08:11:50 AM
I played No One Lives Forever and got so into it that I saved the free world from a sinister cabal bent on world domination.

I plan to sue.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL:
IP: 209.246.244.90
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/24/2003 01:49:15 PM
Actually, from playing Dead or Alive and Soul Caliber, I really do believe I am a computer animated female character with huge bouncy boobs, nipples that can poke your eyes out and awesome karate, ju jitsu, ninjitsu, kung fu and kali style skills. Oh yeah and I can kick boys' butts too. :)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56nospam@yahoo.com
IP: 67.250.82.113
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 10/25/2003 09:21:25 AM
You know, if you want to sue anyone, how about suing the parents of the morons who did this thing? That would be going after real accountability, as opposed to going after real money. The hipocrisy of these imbecils is so fucking obvious, it isn't even funny.

I hope they are fined for bringing this lawsuit up in the first place.

 

Remembering Scary Eye Man
10/23/2003 02:06:38 PM



In other sad passings, Jack Elam, owner of the scariest goddamn pair of peepers ever to grace the silver screen, has died. Apparently he got the crazy eye from getting stabbed with a pencil during a fight at a Boy Scout troop meeting. That's hardcore. I will always remember Jack Elam best for his role as Bad Jack Cutter in the greatest comedy in history, Hawmps. Farewell, sir. You were one gloriously freak ass son of a bitch.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ~Mel
EMAIL: kiebenkins@yahoo.com
IP: 65.127.120.130
URL: http://heart-stricken.net/melancholia
DATE: 10/23/2003 02:43:21 PM
Omg, I loved that movie! I wonder if I can find it anywhere here in BFE Ohio. About Jack--Another one bites the dust. Bummer.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 67.250.82.201
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 10/23/2003 02:56:48 PM
BFE?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 67.75.15.112
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com/weblog
DATE: 10/23/2003 05:11:54 PM
BFE= Bum Fuck Egypt (i.e. the middle of nowhere)

BTW, was Jack Elam any relation to the freaky monsterman from Goonies? He was a gloriously freak ass dude, too.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: wabbit@groovebunny.com
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/23/2003 05:42:23 PM
I too loved that man and his crazy eye. RIP Mr. Elam. :(

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Leslie
EMAIL: thynk2much@yahoo.com
IP: 12.80.81.125
URL:

DATE: 10/23/2003 08:48:06 PM

>

I want this engraved on my tombstone! (except the "sir" part)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Leslie
EMAIL: thynk2much@yahoo.com
IP: 12.80.81.125
URL:
DATE: 10/23/2003 08:49:04 PM
"Farewell, sir. You were one gloriously freak ass son of a bitch."

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: curz EMAIL: capriporn@hotmail.com
IP: 65.138.127.223
URL:
DATE: 10/23/2003 09:39:00 PM
wtf. who's that guy? never even heard of him...oh wait..

is this another fake entry?? like your many silly tales.

if so, more please. you need to make another mummified remains question..

preferably to cleopatra or frank sinatra..

what's the diff really. both sang, both were lovely. both knocked people dead. -----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Robin
EMAIL: velvethellvis@fuse.net
IP: 208.21.61.190
URL:
DATE: 10/24/2003 05:53:42 AM
Nothing beats a man with a go funny eye. Another cool freakazoid passes.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.117.192.66
URL: http://theshakedown.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/24/2003 06:54:49 AM
Stop writing about dead people!

 

Local News
10/24/2003 01:24:31 PM

Washington State to Discontinue Paving Highways With Marshmallows

Beginning in 2004, highways in the state of Washington will be surfaced with asphalt and other conventional paving materials, ending the highly controversial 20-year experiment in using painted marshmallows, said Transportation Commission chairman Aubrey Davis yesterday. "People have been complaining about the condition of roadways in Washington State for years," Davis admitted. "Up to now, we have attributed this problem to high traffic volumes and the use of studded tires, but we now believe that using marshmallows to pave roads may be a contributing factor in their unusually rapid erosion."

Washington residents have long questioned why the state's highways deteriorate so rapidly despite constant repaving. "We spend millions of dollars in transporation taxes each year, yet the roads look like crap," said longtime resident Travis Meyer. "You can always tell when you've crossed over from Oregon or Idaho into Washington, because the road suddenly turns into a lunar landscape." Chairman Davis hopes the adoption of asphalt will be the first step in a comprehensive solution to the state's transportation woes. If this plan succeeds, Davis promised, the commission will evaluate further reforms, such as street signs lettered in larger than 9 point type, and streets that do not arbitrarily turn into other streets. "In retrospect, randomly changing the names of streets every half mile or so along their lengths may not have been an optimal policy," Davis conceded.


Ballard Driver Claims World Record for Keeping Left Turn Signal On

Ballard resident Fred Griggs, 82, has officially beaten the world record for leaving his left turn signal on, Guinness Book of World Records officials confirmed today. Griggs has kept the turn signal in his 1972 Dodge Dart blinking continuously since 1981. "After the first fifteen years or so, I forgot I even had it on," Griggs said. "I've been wondering why cars keep hanging back on my left, then speeding up, the driver glaring angrily at me as he passes." Griggs said he would celebrate his victory by turning on his left turn signal and then abruptly turning right instead.


Renton Man Peers Suspiciously Out His Window

James Hogan, 62, peered suspiciously out the window of his Renton home yesterday. "People moving in next door," he muttered to his wife, Thelma, 58. "Looks like Californians." Hogan then frowned as he spotted a young girl running across his driveway with a hula hoop.


Local Woman Survives Brutal Supermarket Checkout Lane Conflict

Jodi McMillan, 34, is recovering at her West Seattle home after a harrowing incident at a local supermarket Wednesday, in which another shopper beat her to the express checkout lane. "There I was at Albertson's," McMillan said, "just about to take my basket up to the cashier, and some guy steps in ahead of me, just like that." McMillan, who was carrying a carton of eggs and three containers of vanilla yogurt, did a silent count of the man's purchases, and found that they totalled more than the 15-item limit indicated by the express checkout sign. "If you count the four tuna cans as separate items, he had 18 things in his cart," McMillan said, her voice quivering with suppressed rage. "Now, I know some people count each type of thing as one item, but that's just cheap rationalization." McMillan sighed audibly to signal her irritation, but the unidentified customer, described as an older male in his late 40's, appeared not to hear. "I know he heard me," McMillan said. "He was just pretending not to." McMillan contemplated saying something, but decided not to cause a scene.


Governor Assures Public It Will Be Part of the Process

"You will be part of the process," Governor Gary Locke assured Washington residents in a press conference this morning. "There will be accountability." Locke added that he was "deeply concerned" and that he would appoint a full panel to look into the situation. "The people want accountability, and they will get that," Locke announced. He also thanked local grass-roots organizations for their "ongoing efforts and valuable contributions" to the process. Locke promised a "results-oriented" solution that would "tackle the problem head-on" and "provide a brighter future for our children." State legislator Marvin Holnick called the Governor's announcement a "step in the right direction," but said more would need to be done. "Government needs to be held accountable," Holnick said.


Area Man Would Like to Know If It is Wet Enough For Ya

Noting the heavy rainfall in the Seattle area this week, longtime resident Larry Stein, 39, a sales associate at the Lynnwood area Radio Shack, inquired of customers yesterday as to whether or not precipitation levels were acceptable to them. "Is it wet enough for ya?" Stein asked each customer in turn. "Boy, it's really comin' down out there." Stein also noted that the rainfall would be "good for the grass" and joked that he would be "rowing home" at the end of his shift. Stein recently concluded a three-month study on whether or not it was hot enough for ya, and looks forward to beginning his survey of Seattle residents' coldness levels sometime in mid- to late-November.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/24/2003 02:40:33 PM
"Why no. No, it's not wet enough for me. Maybe if God himself was pissing directly on my head, then it would be wet enough, but this rain is for amateurs, man."

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/24/2003 03:28:29 PM
Oh my god, that is SO FUNNY! I'm totally printing these now. You slay me, Slayer.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: june
EMAIL: junemiller31@hotmail.com
IP: 206.40.41.253
URL: http://louveciennes.diaryland.com
DATE: 10/24/2003 03:41:26 PM
Are you practicing for The Onion?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: serenity
EMAIL: serenity@serenitysjournal.com
IP: 216.148.246.134
URL: http://www.serenitysjournal.com
DATE: 10/24/2003 03:45:41 PM
LMFAO! I so do not miss that city!

Thank you for reminding me precisely why!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 67.250.184.142
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 10/24/2003 03:49:20 PM
So you know where I'm coming from!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Smivey
EMAIL: smivey@yahoo.com
IP: 64.167.79.99
URL: http://smivey.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/24/2003 03:54:44 PM
Great stuff. Totally Onion-Worthy.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 67.250.184.142
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 10/24/2003 03:56:46 PM
Thanks. I think I'm just going to blog in the form of Onion headlines from now on.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Kat
EMAIL: enigmasconundrum@hotmail.com
IP: 68.81.172.42
URL: http://cgi.hush-nah-chile.net/enigma
DATE: 10/24/2003 04:05:51 PM
you're bored huh? seriously b what do u do for a living cuz u need to be writing for tv. there are quite a few shows that could use you.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jen
EMAIL: jen@verybigdesign.com
IP: 24.209.12.237
URL: http://www.verybigdesign.com/verybigblog
DATE: 10/24/2003 07:24:31 PM
you need to put that up on a sperate page , ala onion, headlines paper format and all. and leave it up for prosperity.
-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jesse
EMAIL: tryturkey@yahoo.com
IP: 66.126.171.33
URL: http://turkeydinner.net
DATE: 10/24/2003 08:17:41 PM
there are greatastic, thanks!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike
EMAIL: mike@whybark.com
IP: 216.173.212.237
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 10/24/2003 10:24:56 PM
Isn't it obvious?


B makes his living by watching TV.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: j-a
EMAIL: jeonga_kim@yahoo.co.uk
IP: 202.71.195.230
URL: http://www.whatarewedoinghere.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/26/2003 08:29:47 PM
so funny... it is pretty incredible stuff. loved the marshmallow roads one...

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: rickg EMAIL: rick_griggs@hotmail.com
IP: 207.127.128.2
URL:
DATE: 10/27/2003 09:43:29 AM
I can't believe you wrote that about my grandpa. Dude, I'm SO embarrassed.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Kat
EMAIL: enigmasconundrum@hotmail.com
IP: 68.81.172.42
URL: http://cgi.hush-nah-chile.net/enigma
DATE: 10/27/2003 11:58:35 AM
i wish he'd tell me how to make a living watching tv.
-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 10/27/2003 05:10:24 PM
You are a fucking genius. A FUCKING GENIUS!

And as for rain, it hasn't rained here in Denver for 2 months. Sigh.

 

¿Quién Tiene Más Flava?
10/28/2003 05:22:00 AM

Today the bad boyz of tha Flava Crew face off to answer the extremely important question...




Liam

OR


Tre

Y el más macho es...

Tre

There's no serious competition here -- Tre is clearly the mack daddy of the Flava Crew, Liam being little more than Tre's "wigga" lapdog. While Liam fancies himself the Flava equivalent of Eminem, his wussy man-purse and questionably "hip" fashion choices reveal him to be more Vanilla Ice than Slim Shady. While it's possible that a shallow pretender like Happy D might be gulled by Liam's desperate bid for street cred, any savvy home girl like P. Bo or Kiyoni Brown would unquestionably prefer Tre's mackadocious pimp stylin'.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: curz
EMAIL: capriporn@hotmail.com
IP: 198.188.250.43
URL:
DATE: 10/28/2003 08:27:23 AM
rasa naba. they both look equally gay. i saw the commercial and almost cried a river laffing.

i says "chey[sister] look! now they make toys that look like people you hang out with!"

and then i wandered down the road to find peace. instead i found a candy wrapper and a satisfied child.

he ate the candy. i had nothing.

give me gum.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Katemonkey
EMAIL: katemonkey@digitalcandy.net
IP: 62.254.0.38
URL: http://www.katemonkey.co.uk/
DATE: 10/28/2003 11:53:51 AM
And, also, Liam has this "I wanna be Justin Timberlake! I want I want I want!" which, with those shoes, ain't gonna happen. Ever.

However, Tre is also carrying a man purse, and the spare pair of pants -- with the boxers revealed -- is just really ghastly.

Quien es mas macho? Hell, Happy D is more macho than either of them.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/28/2003 02:39:07 PM
HAPPY D?! Worst. Rapper. Name. Ever.
It sounds like hallucinogenic drugs as marketed by Ronald McDonald.

Seriously, though, Tre es mas macho. Liam has the face of something I'd put on my Christmas tree. And not a male something, neither.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.165.66.199
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 10/28/2003 07:43:43 PM
Say whatever you will about Liam, but I really like his handbag.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: btezra
EMAIL: ceb420@msn.com
IP: 151.201.120.126
URL: http://www.whatthehellhappenedlastnight.com/
DATE: 10/29/2003 04:13:52 AM
I feel safe saying, "I Believe I have seen it all" now.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: submandave
EMAIL: submandave@yahoo.com
IP: 199.82.243.74
URL:
DATE: 01/02/2004 07:11:31 AM
Looks like Liam and Happy D buy their bags at the same store. K-Mart hip-hop fashion babies livin' and lovin' it.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jess Me
EMAIL:
IP: 162.83.81.108
URL:
DATE: 01/02/2004 08:06:58 AM
From looking at the picture, I'd say Liam's bag is a laptop carrier. The flames look like something I've seen offered as a "skin" for an iBook.

But that's just me.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jiminy
EMAIL:
IP: 216.100.243.5
URL:
DATE: 01/02/2004 12:10:06 PM
P.S. What the shit does "Toykivez" mean? Uh...word.

 

Sad Songs Say So Much
10/29/2003 05:16:10 AM



Elvis Costello, "I Want You"
[ 9.6 mb mp3 ]

Since when were you so generous and inarticulate

Oh my baby baby I love you more than I can tell
I don't think I can live without you
And I know that I never will
Oh my baby baby I want you so it scares me to death
I can't say any more than "I love you"
Everything else is a waste of breath
I want you
You've had your fun you don't get well no more
I want you
Your fingernails go dragging down the wall
Be careful darling you might fall
I want you
I woke up and one of us was crying
I want you
You said "Young man I do believe you're dying"
I want you
If you need a second opinion as you seem to do these days
You can look in my eyes and you can count the ways
I want you
Did you mean to tell me but seem to forget
I want you
Since when were you so generous and inarticulate
I want you
It's the stupid details that my heart is breaking for
It's the way your shoulders shake and what they're shaking for
It's knowing that he knows you now after only guessing
I want you
It's the thought of him undressing you or you undressing
I want you
He tossed some tatty compliment your way
I want you
And you were fool enough to love it when he said
"I want you"
I want you
The truth can't hurt you it's just like the dark
It scares you witless
But in time you see things clear and stark
I want you
Go on and hurt me then we'll let it drop
I want you
I'm afraid I won't know where to stop
I want you
I'm not ashamed to say I cried for you
I want you
I want to know the things you did that we do too
I want you
I want to hear he pleases you more than I do
I want you
I might as well be useless for all it means to you
I want you
Did you call his name out as he held you down
I want you
Oh no my darling not with that clown
I want you
You've had your fun you don't get well no more
I want you
No one who wants you could want you more
I want you
Every night when I go off to bed and when I wake up
I want you
I want you
I'm going to say it again 'til I instill it
I know I'm going to feel this way until you kill it
I want you
I want you

Also known as "Elvis Costello's Stalker Anthem," this has to be one of the creepiest love songs ever written. (Even more than "Da Butt.") Written from the point of view of a jilted lover obsessing over his lost love, it encapsulates all of the bitterness, jealousy, and frustrated desire experienced by the "dump-ee" side of a romantic breakup.

What makes it so damn scary is that it's a melodic, almost sweet sounding ballad, and at first you think, "Awww...he wants her." But then you hear the dead voice, and the lyrics, and suddenly you're like, "Uh...he wants her." And each time he says "I want you," it's like there's an unspoken fourth word in the line that could be any number of states of being.

It's a great song, though -- Elvis at his lyrical sharpest. Lines like "It's the thought of him undressing you -- or you undressing" cut right to the heart of the matter. And toward the end of the song, when he sings "I know I'm going to feel this way until you...kill it," the pause before he sings the last two words never fails to send chills up my spine.

I'll admit to having had this song on infinite repeat at certain times of my life, but fortunately it has not (to date) led to any stalkings. It is, however, one of the most depressing god damn songs ever written.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Miel
EMAIL:
IP: 166.70.179.53
URL: http://faeriemiel.blogspot.com
DATE: 10/29/2003 05:31:57 AM
MWAH!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ms Lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.134.154
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 10/29/2003 07:00:36 AM
Oh, Elvis, how I love thee. Let me count the ways.

I love thy geeky glasses,

And that strange lilt (lift?) in your singing voice.

I love that you aren't afraid of showtunes and opera.

I love your dedication to rockin' like a badass muthafucka.

And Elvis, oh Elvis, Spike has to be one of the greaest albums of all time.

You rule, Elvis. Love me.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Leslie
EMAIL: thynk2much@yahoo.com
IP: 12.80.35.37
URL:
DATE: 10/29/2003 09:19:10 AM
I've been really obsessed with this song at various points in my life too! He's one of my biggest creative heroes.

The part that kills me is: "I want you/ The truth can't hurt you, it's just like the dark/ It scares you witless/ But in time you see things clear and stark..." With that vibrato on "sta-a-a-a-ark..."

I read how they recorded the instruments at the end of the song -- instead of miking them individually as usual, they recorded only what bled through the vocal mike, which is how it ends with that incredibly intimate sound. Miraculous.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: hannah
EMAIL: hannahw@med.umich.edu
IP: 141.214.17.5
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/misshannah
DATE: 10/29/2003 02:02:55 PM
Thanks B, I love these kind of songs. But is he jilted, or are they still together and he knows she's cheating and it's the worst kind of pathetic and heartbreaking because even though she's shitting on him he still wants her so?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.135.103.160
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 10/29/2003 07:22:39 PM
This is one of my most favorite Elvis Costello songs. It's so creepy and disturbing. And it has that great non-polished sound to it.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Kim
EMAIL: mizzkyttie@yahoo.com
IP: 64.222.145.12
URL: http://mizzkyttie.diary-x.com
DATE: 10/31/2003 12:02:15 AM
This is also one of my favorites of his, too. It's creepiness has always been part of its charm to me, really.

The subject matter kind of brings me to mind of The Police's "Every Breath You Take," a song that I recall a lot of my friends swooning over, "What a great love song! Awwh, it's so sweet!" while I stood back and said, "What the hell are you talking about -- 'every move you make, I'll be watching you'?!? The guy's gonna go on a tri-state killin' spree, wearing her face like a mask!"

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 67.250.85.173
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 10/31/2003 02:25:17 AM
Ha! Yeah -- "Every Breath You Take" is #1 on the list of songs that are inexplicably played at romantic occasions.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: chinh
EMAIL: chinh@chinh.org
IP: 69.22.9.121
URL: http://www.chinh.org
DATE: 11/01/2003 05:40:40 AM
Mmmmm....

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: MangoMonkeyBoy
EMAIL: heavyheavyjon@yahoo.com
IP: 68.42.205.18
URL: http://mangomonkeymadness.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/02/2003 03:22:25 PM
There was actually a point where I wanted to sing the "Ohhh, my baby baby..." part of this song to a gal I was trying to seduce, 'til I realized that tune-wise, it has the power to melt a heart or two, but dang are the lyrics ever fucked up, esp. in this day & age where people tend to be either really insecure or really paranoid about insecure people or both. Favorite track off that album? "Battered Old Bird"--me=total sucker for that part where EC goes WHOAHOAOH...with FEELIN'.

The bass in "Poor Napoleon" is likewise, peachy keen.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.191.97.249
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 11/03/2003 03:34:04 PM
"It's the stupid details that my heart is breaking for
It's the way your shoulders shake and what they're shaking for
It's knowing that he knows you now after only guessing"

Most excellent.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: sarah
EMAIL: sarahfrances@swbell.net
IP: 208.191.212.123
URL:
DATE: 02/02/2004 12:00:12 AM
hey, i just found this diary entry because of the freaking lyric "it's the thought of him undressing you . . . or you undressing." it's running through my head tonight because of well . . . a similar situation. ah, elvis. so articulate and so, so good. you are right, the song is depressing. "it's the way your shoulders shake and what they're shaking for . . ." oh, my soul! oh, agony!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: sarah
EMAIL: sarahfrances@swbell.net
IP: 208.191.212.123
URL:
DATE: 02/02/2004 12:00:28 AM
hey, i just found this diary entry because of the freaking lyric "it's the thought of him undressing you . . . or you undressing." it's running through my head tonight because of well . . . a similar situation. ah, elvis. so articulate and so, so good. you are right, the song is depressing. "it's the way your shoulders shake and what they're shaking for . . ." oh, my soul! oh, agony!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: sarah
EMAIL:
IP: 208.191.212.123
URL:
DATE: 02/02/2004 12:01:34 AM
sorry for the double post. eek.

 

Things I Can't Frickin' Stand #34,709
11/03/2003 03:54:19 PM

You know what I can't stand? I can't stand when you tell someone something really funny, or show them something breathtakingly cool, and their response is "heh." Just "heh." Not "hehe," but "heh." I mean, like that extra "e" would have cost you too dearly? Could you put a little less enthusiasm into your response? Because my spirit is not nearly deflated enough. Saying "heh" to someone is basically like taking whatever thing of beauty the person just gave you and wiping your ass with it before handing it back. Really, you may as well just not bother saying anything if all you can manage is "heh."

And don't even comment on this entry with "heh," because I'm way ahead of you!



- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 66.237.70.170
URL:
DATE: 11/03/2003 03:56:44 PM
ah ha....

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: oldtimey
EMAIL: oldtimey@gbronline.com
IP: 65.243.231.14
URL: http://www.three-rings.com/oldtimey
DATE: 11/03/2003 04:01:08 PM
Fehe!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: june
EMAIL: junemiller31@hotmail.com
IP: 206.40.41.253
URL: http://louveciennes.diaryland.com
DATE: 11/03/2003 04:08:31 PM
Omigosh. I thought I was the only person who hated the heh.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 67.106.83.29
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 11/03/2003 04:10:56 PM
LOL!

You know, it never even occurred to me that "Heh" sounds unenthusiastic. I initially thought of it as the evil version of "Hee" then forgot about what it meant and just used it all over the place.

e.g.:

Cute cartoon animal laugh: "Hee, hee, hee!"

Evil grim reaper boatman guy from Castlevania II: "Sure, I'll take you somewhere good! Heh! Heh! Heh!"

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL: http://formyselfandothers.blogspot.com/
DATE: 11/03/2003 05:02:11 PM
If I'm really out to deflate someone, I just use silence and a distracted look. I don't do that often, because it IS cruel. I save it for Certain Kinds of People, especially those I don't like who won't take a "Go away ya bother me" hint.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: fake socks
EMAIL:
IP: 68.124.57.23
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/spiderness
DATE: 11/03/2003 06:09:41 PM
mwhHAHAHahhahAHHA.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: bakiwop
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 66.84.174.165
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 11/03/2003 07:11:27 PM
heh. see, i fooled you and used the palindrome of heh. so hah, or heheh, or able was I ere I saw Elba, or something...

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 66.157.227.128
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 11/03/2003 07:40:47 PM
Great... now I have to feel guilty about what composes fully 24% of my online communication.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: wantwit
EMAIL: hermomtoo@google.com
IP: 141.156.151.221
URL:
DATE: 11/03/2003 08:17:38 PM
eh...
-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 171.75.162.154
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com/weblog
DATE: 11/03/2003 08:36:23 PM
HHhhhhhhh

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.133.109.85
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 11/03/2003 10:18:23 PM
I always thought "heh" meant "I acknowledge that you were trying to be funny or entertain me, but you soooo failed." I hate that stupid word.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: curz
EMAIL:
IP: 65.146.211.227
URL:
DATE: 11/03/2003 10:44:41 PM
you tell em B! it's soo not even funny. that "heh" crap. ughh. so damn annoying. i hope you tackle that other saying next...

*chokes random person*

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: serenity
EMAIL: serenity@serenitysjournal.com
IP: 66.119.33.170
URL: http://www.serenitysjournal.com
DATE: 11/03/2003 11:32:31 PM
hehe

You have the best sense of humor...you consistently slay me.

-----

COMMENT:

AUTHOR: Ms Lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.130.149
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 11/04/2003 07:15:09 AM I always say "Ha!" Say it out loud to yourself. It sounds like you are pleasantly surprised with someone's humor, as I am with yours.

Teach me how to make evil flashing gifs and I will never "heh" you again.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.193.63.216
URL:
DATE: 11/04/2003 07:20:58 AM
oh, and one more thing.... ppffftttt!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: SpyWhoLovedYou@aol.com
IP: 209.36.27.8
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 11/04/2003 09:04:12 AM
And yet "heh heh heh" sounds so earnest!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/04/2003 09:06:34 AM
HEY!

THAT'S THE SAME WOMAN WHO TURNED INTO A SKELETON BEFORE!

Well, I think it's a safe assumption that "heh" is a torturous tool of the undead. That explains so much.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Detroit's Answer To A Question Nobody Asked (MangoMonkeyBoy)
EMAIL: heavyheavyjon@yahoo.com
IP: 68.42.205.18
URL: http://mangomonkeymadness.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/04/2003 09:20:56 AM
ehe

Naw, the one that always bugs me in non-net discourse---though "heh" does pop up in IM a lot more than it should; just another sign of instant messaging being a really lousy form of communication, for the most part, IMO---is when you crack wise in some way & the other person is one of those annoying people who doesn't smile or anything but says, "that's funny."

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Pete
EMAIL: deucepm@further-adventures.com
IP: 66.31.187.252
URL: http://www.further-adventures.com/shoot
DATE: 11/04/2003 09:46:25 AM
I've been guilty of using "Heh," but that's just because I feel dumb typing "AHHH HA HA HA HA oh man I wet 'em."

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KateMonkey
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 62.254.0.38
URL: http://www.katemonkey.co.uk
DATE: 11/04/2003 02:27:18 PM

H

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Dave
EMAIL: dave_a2@verifone.com
IP: 207.13.167.2
URL:
DATE: 11/04/2003 04:29:40 PM
"I always thought "heh" meant "I acknowledge that you were trying to be funny or entertain me, but you soooo failed.""

is exactly what it means, AND THE ONE ASSHOLE THAT I NEEDED TO USE IT ON NEVER UNDERSTOOD THAT. For 5 f-ing years he never got it. *shudders*

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: fake socks
EMAIL:
IP: 68.124.57.23
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/spiderness
DATE: 11/04/2003 06:58:54 PM
b, you better post sometihng new, loOK, the side bar is longer than the entry side.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Enigma
EMAIL: enigmasconundrum@hotmail.com
IP: 68.81.172.42
URL: http://cgi.hush-nah-chile.net/enigma
DATE: 11/04/2003 07:06:03 PM
ou b! i thought i was the only one. glad i'm not! sometimes i read it as a sarcastic smirk, but most times it irks me. i also dont like hehe because it sound lecherous. i prefer heehee but i can deal.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.186.9.90
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 11/04/2003 07:27:12 PM
I think "heh" is the evil cousin of "hee". It's a word that can vary in meaning in person, but in text it's perhaps too 2-dimensional to convey the intended use.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.132.32.111
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 11/04/2003 09:08:41 PM
Now that we have that settled... what's the difference between "hehe" and "haha"? ;-)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: The Motown Flavor Everybody Screams For (or maybe because of): MangoMonkeyBoy
EMAIL: heavyheavyjon@yahoo.com
IP: 68.42.205.18
URL: http://mangomonkeymadness.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/04/2003 10:14:37 PM
"hehe" is cuter. "haha" just looks sarcastic as all hell in printed form. And "hoho" is either a guy asking for a Hostess product, two guys placing orders in a brothel, or the same two guys naming their favorite Hawaiian pop icon.

Are we bashing "heh" in its printed form, or in its vocal/aural incarnation?

If anyone I knew actually said "heh"---as opposed to your "hmh" or "huh"---I'd probably assume they were on drugs.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: curz
EMAIL: capriporn@hotmail.com
IP: 65.151.235.85
URL:
DATE: 11/04/2003 10:20:25 PM
yeah, barb's right B. they won't shut up about it..

no offense.

-none taken. that's good. ;O

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: wabbit@groovebunny.com
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 11/04/2003 10:40:42 PM
That's the interesting thing about words. My ex used to "heh" me all the time, but instead he always said a "cool". It was dismissive, one of the things aiding to his eventual dismissal from my life.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/05/2003 05:24:09 PM
Oh-ho-ho-ho! I must say, that was most droll. Jolly good show, old chap!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: miel
EMAIL:
IP: 166.70.179.53
URL:
DATE: 11/05/2003 05:27:23 PM
heh.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: fake socks
EMAIL:
IP: 68.124.57.23
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/spiderness
DATE: 11/05/2003 10:36:24 PM
i said something about them not being able to stop talking about it? when was this madness?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: fake socks
EMAIL:
IP: 68.124.57.23
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/spiderness
DATE: 11/05/2003 10:36:24 PM
i said something about them not being able to stop talking about it? when was this madness?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: curz
EMAIL: capriporn@hotmail.com
IP: 65.151.219.126
URL:
DATE: 11/05/2003 11:05:24 PM
barb has short term memory, like on memento..look, you posted 2 times. :/

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: radmila
EMAIL: sosa@serbiancafe.com
IP: 24.43.211.196
URL: http://nevena1.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/06/2003 08:02:00 PM
"heh" has totally different meaning.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jen
EMAIL: jen@verybigdesign.com
IP: 24.209.12.237
URL: http://www.verybigdesign.com/verybigblog
DATE: 11/07/2003 09:38:47 AM
Feh

 

Now I Know How Rush Feels
11/05/2003 06:54:28 PM

Good Lord...I just realized that I've been spelling "inadvertently" wrong for...my entire life. I've been spelling it "inadvertantly." I had no idea!

That's kind of ironic, if you think about it.

I-r-o-n-i-c. Yeah.

Thus fell the Spelling Nazi, and the earth did shake with that thunder.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ricecracker
EMAIL:
IP: 24.26.176.233
URL: http://ricecracker.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/05/2003 06:59:38 PM
That's ok. You just inadvertently spelled inadvertently inadvertantly.

(Yay, my first post here! I love your site ^^)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 67.250.176.100
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 11/05/2003 07:04:57 PM
First comment, eh? Well it's about time. And why didn't you warn me about this "inadvertently" thing? Hm??

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: rickg
EMAIL: rick_griggs@hotmail.com
IP: 66.67.210.245
URL:
DATE: 11/05/2003 07:16:52 PM
Tha's ok, I still can't say Chevoray.

(Hint: it's from one of the first Isuzu commercials, pre-Joe Isuzu).

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ricecracker
EMAIL:
IP: 24.26.176.233
URL: http://ricecracker.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/05/2003 07:40:18 PM
Oh, I can commiserate. I didn't know how to pronounce "epitome" until a couple years ago. *cringes with shame*

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: fake socks
EMAIL:
IP: 68.124.57.23
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/spiderness
DATE: 11/05/2003 10:34:44 PM
i didn't know. i don't know if i spelled some word in some email that i recently wrote you right. what the hell, i hear a vacuum. Is that spelled right? i don't know.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: SpyWhoLovedYou@aol.com
IP: 69.0.53.228
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 11/06/2003 05:39:13 AM
I think I've been making a major grammatical error for as long as I can remember. Do you say "A works independent of B"? Or "A works independentLY of B"?

I've always used the former. Now I'm seeing the latter. I can't find a reference. People trust me about this stuff. What if I've influenced them the wrong way?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: hannah
EMAIL: hannahw@med.umich.edu
IP: 141.214.17.5
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/misshannah
DATE: 11/06/2003 06:08:13 AM
I think it might have to be LY because it's modifying the verb. I can't find anything that says "independent" can be used as an adverb.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/06/2003 07:09:13 AM
You know what word I've been mispelling for my entire life until three weeks ago?

"Genius".

Don't even start.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ms Lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.128.113
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 11/06/2003 08:30:21 PM
I just realized the other day
that I've been pronouncing a certain word like this (m-eye-zled) in stead of (mis-led).

And then I had to look back and wonder how many times I've said it out loud in front of captive audiences and sounded like a total idiot.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: wabbit@groovebunny.com
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 11/06/2003 10:30:31 PM
I can't pronounce "annonymous" in front of other people. And I still have a hard time with i before e except after c.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: K
EMAIL:
IP: 68.72.124.81
URL:
DATE: 11/09/2003 11:24:43 AM
You fools.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: pineapplecharm
EMAIL:
IP: 194.129.240.10
URL: http://carl.pappenheim.net
DATE: 05/28/2004 01:16:31 AM
I've just realised that instead of writing my own blog I should just hunt for other peoples' entries which - like this one - must match my day _precisely_ at least once per Internet every day.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: pineapplecharm
EMAIL:
IP: 194.129.240.10
URL: http://carl.pappenheim.net
DATE: 05/28/2004 01:23:09 AM
Oh, and another thing, Spelling Nazi: Earth is capitalised. And 'capitalised' only has a 'z' in it if you're American, which I amn't.

(tee hee)

 

Weblog Entry
11/05/2003 07:00:26 PM

Keely thinks she needs to have something substantial to say in order to justify posting to her weblog.

I'm out to show that she's wrong.

See?

On the other hand, this might explain why her entries were chosen for a "Best of Weblogs" book and mine...weren't. Keely, disregard this entry. Rock on.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 11/06/2003 02:13:42 AM
Thanks for standing up for my way of weblogging!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Suzette
EMAIL: SuzetteTraveler@yahoo.com
IP: 216.44.68.32
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/suzette
DATE: 11/06/2003 05:08:47 PM
Wait a minute - what 'Best of Weblogs" book? That is major. It's only right and fitting that she was chosen - I hope they select an entry about shopping or smelly cosmetics.

 

¡Abre los Frickin' Ojos!
11/06/2003 04:35:35 AM

This "worst film" poll is ridiculous. All it proves is that people who react against hype are just as gullible as those who swallow it whole. It's the worst kind of knee-jerk, shallow "criticism."

The problem with the list is that it's based on the two most specious reasons to hate a movie:

1. "It's popular, therefore it sucks."

2. "I didn't understand it, therefore it sucks."

I mean, come on. Titanic? AI? I envy those who exist on a cultural plane so rarefied that Titanic is the worst movie they've ever seen. I'm still having flashbacks from the last Troma disc I reviewed. I have seen the face of crap, and Jim Cameron and/or Steven Spielberg couldn't make a movie on that level of crapdom if you woke them up at 3 am, handed them a camcorder, and gave them two hours to make a feature film. As for Kubrick, on his worst day he was a better filmmaker than 99% of the hacks out there at their best.

And frankly, just because a film doesn't give you what you expected doesn't make it a bad film. The fact that "difficult" commercial movies like Eyes Wide Shut, Vanilla Sky and AI were so roundly rejected by the mainstream says more about our expectations/biases of cinema "product" than the merits of the movies themselves.

I get tired of people coming away from smart, sophisticated, thematically complex works pronouncing them "bad" because half of it went straight over their heads. These are folks who wouldn't have ventured near the movie at all if it had been some obscure arthouse flick, but slap a big name or two on it and they flock in, are utterly confused, and naturally blame the film. It's not stupidity, mind you -- some of the smartest people I know are guilty of this -- it's simple laziness, an unwillingness to dig beneath the surface or challenge their own expectations. Even professional critics have fallen into this practice, trouncing films they'd have given high marks to if they'd been made by some Eastern European artiste.

As far as I can tell, what this list really shows is how glib, shallow, and intellectually lazy audiences and critics are these days.

And don't even get me started on the whole "I'm a discerning film critic and I'll prove it if I have to trash every movie ever made" school of criticism.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Tanya
EMAIL: tanya@lifeslikethis.us
IP: 68.167.63.44
URL: http://lifeslikethis.us
DATE: 11/06/2003 05:04:31 AM
There's 1 movie on that list that I agree with... Highlander 2. There really should have been only one.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: SpyWhoLovedYou@aol.com
IP: 69.0.53.228
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 11/06/2003 05:35:56 AM
These weren't bad movies (except Highlander 2, which I never saw and can't comment on). These were movies that people felt didn't live up to the hype. I still get extremely frustrated by the "Titanic" backlash, because even if you didn't particularly like it, come ON. You can't honestly call that a /bad/ movie. The sets alone made it worth viewing.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: curz
EMAIL: capriporn@hotmail.com
IP: 198.188.250.43
URL:
DATE: 11/06/2003 08:06:53 AM
so, you did or didn't like titanic?

and spielberg sucks or he doesn't?

i didn't really understand what you said. :/

i guess.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: june
EMAIL: junemiller31@hotmail.com
IP: 206.40.41.253
URL: http://louveciennes.diaryland.com
DATE: 11/06/2003 08:30:15 AM

I had that problem with the re-make of "Solaris". I found that because it was directed by Soderbergh and Cameron was involved and it took place in space, people were expecting another "Aliens". Almost everyone I know said it was "boring", whereas it was one of my favorite movies of the year. :\

Bottom line: Most people are stupid, mmmkay?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: chinh
EMAIL: chinh@chinh.org
IP: 69.22.9.121
URL: http://www.chinh.org
DATE: 11/06/2003 08:55:34 AM
WOW -- Gigli is better than Titanic? WOW OH WOW! I gotta go see Gigli!!!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.117.192.66
URL: http://theshakedown.diaryland.com
DATE: 11/06/2003 09:34:20 AM
There aren't a lot of movies I DON'T like, so yeah I agree people freak out way too quick with movies that get a lot of hype and end up being not what they expected. Excellent post, my friend.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL: http://formyselfandothers.blogspot.com/
DATE: 11/06/2003 09:46:02 AM
Often times, people don't really know WHY they dislike/hate a movie (or book, or TV show, or any number of other things). They can't grasp that they had expectations and were disappointed -- it never occurs to them that they are at least partially responsible for their own experience.

I walk out of movies when I'm not enjoying myself. I've had more than one movie that I didn't really care for the first time and then had a complete reversal on later. Oh, I've had a few movies I've hated (hated with a vicious, lasting, burning hot hatred) but that hatred almost always arose from feeling I'd been cheated, and I can tell you in great detail and at length exactly WHY I hated it.

It can be harder to describe why I LIKE something.

So you're very precise when you say, B, that people are lazy. They are too lazy to examine their reactions and certainly too lazy to own up to responsibility for them.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KateMonkey
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 80.4.129.16
URL: http://www.katemonkey.co.uk
DATE: 11/06/2003 09:55:38 AM
Actually, it's less "film critic" and more "general public" that decided this. And British audiences are usually very bitter when it comes to movies.

'sides, Matrix Revolutions just blew all those movies out of the feckin' water in the giant ocean of suck.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Minsoo
EMAIL:
IP: 66.80.165.226
URL:
DATE: 11/06/2003 11:05:11 AM
I am currently studying for the GRE. In my preparation, I have had to learn a plethora of new vocabularly words, with flash cards and everything. In your entry, you used two words I previously did not know before I started studying. Today, I recognized them (I won't say which two) and actually felt kind of smart. Thank you for helping me feel like the studying has paid off.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jesse
EMAIL: tryturkey@yahoo.co
m
IP: 64.168.27.65 URL: http://turkeydinner.net
DATE: 11/06/2003 11:35:44 AM
Way to go Minsoo!

my take on the list:

Titanic, never saw it and never will, not nec. bad, just kinda pointless and hyped.

AI, ok the ending sucked it bad, but the movie was pretty well done, I saw it with Mom and got a little teary there. The movie was not confusing at all, it held your hand all the way, thanks to Spielbergo's directing style.

Pearl Harbor, never saw it, I'm sure I'd hate it, prolly cuz it was way too "patriotic." how come no one got this upset when Japan attached the Philippines? or Guam? yeah.

Vanilla Sky, whoa trippy.

The Blair Witch, ok people were MAD that they got DUPED by this movie (thinking it real) and that's why they hate it. This movie was pretty brilliant and done very well, it scared the shit out of me.

Batman and Robin, this one TRULY sucked. It is cerainly on my top five worst movies.

The Avengers, have no opinion.

Battlefield Earth, ok this one was bad, even the story had major flaws in it. It's no wonder that the writer is the founder of Dianetics.

Eyes Wide Shut. Oh. My. God. This movie was BRILLIANT. I know a lot of people who don't like this movie (smart people even) and I conclude that they themselves have been jealous obsessive bastards and this movie scares them.

Highlander 2: total trash. notice how the sky in that one looks like the one in the Matrix? Spooky. -----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ed
EMAIL: ed@edrants.com
IP: 12.99.104.155
URL: http://www.edrants.com
DATE: 11/06/2003 01:35:16 PM
Titanic: Terrible dialogue, but undeniably impressive with its sensationalistic effects. Plus, Kate Winslet nude helps.

AI: Nauseating, but not without merits. The bear rocked.

Pearl Harbor: Beyond redemption.

Vanilla Sky: So-so, but it had Kurt Russell actually ACTING. And that's worth something. Plus, Tom Cruise's Elephant Man get-up was interesting.

The Blair Witch Project: Enjoyable once, now trendy to hate.

Batman and Robin: Beyond redemption.

The Avengers: Beyond redemption.

Battlefield Earth: Really beyond redemption. The only reason I saw this was because I got the opportunity to interview John Travolta, and this was the cruel tithe to pay.

Eyes Wide Shut: What the hell are they thinking? This was great.

Highlander 2: Actually, an enjoyable bad movie, rather than an outright bad one. Sean Connery's "shithead" scene is unintentionally hilarious. And between "The Avengers," "Highlander 2" and "LXG," I think Connery needs to choose his films more wisely.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL:
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 11/06/2003 03:23:34 PM
Interesting that the movie "Glitter" didn't make that list. So by "Glitter" not making the list, they are saying "Glitter" is actually better than any of those movies? "Glitter" has to be the worse all time waste of money on a film with crappy acting and lamo story line ever in the history of since I've been watching movies.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: anniek
EMAIL:
IP: 24.8.231.156
URL:
DATE: 11/06/2003 04:17:57 PM

AARGH! I have the solution to shutting down ANY worst movie discussion...

Open up the oubliette and pull out "Caligula". For badly-aimed big guns, it can't be beat! Directed by Bob Guccione (yes, THAT Bob Guccione), starring Malcolm McDowell, Peter O'Toole, Sir John Guilgud, Helen Mirrin, and "written" by Gore Vidal.

No other movie can hold a flaming bag of dog doo to it. The NY theater that premiered it even changed its name during the run.

It makes Gigli look like "The Sorrow and the Pity", Blair Witch flutters up there next to "Citizen Kane".

It's out on DVD now. Get a load of it, and never sit through another Worst Movie rag again...

"Don't speak to me of bad film, for I have seen 'Caligula'!" Your friends will regard you with a mixture of awe, pity and disgust, but they'll shut up.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.209.112
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 11/06/2003 06:58:11 PM
Apparently these people haven't seen "Monkey Boy".

This reminds me of a crapola "worst bands" list by Blender magazine that came out recently. It included the Rolling Stones and the Doors.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: radmila
EMAIL: sosa@serbiancafe.com
IP: 24.43.211.196
URL: http://nevena1.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/06/2003 07:59:10 PM

I still think Titanic sucked.

For the last hour of the movie. I still wished the boat would sink already.

Did it go over my head?

I don't think so.

It only bored me.

While watching it, all I could think of was all that money that could have been spent on another production.

Call me crazy.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ms Lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.128.113
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 11/06/2003 08:27:17 PM
I get pissed over lazy writers (or writing teams, these days). The "twist" thing that moviemakers try to do is fucking LAME. Come up with a real goddamned ending, for chrissakes.

GAH, I hate movies. I really, really do.

But I love you for that Elivs song. I've been missing him.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Enigma
EMAIL: enigmasconundrum@hotmail.com
IP: 68.81.172.42
URL: http://cgi.hush-nah-chile.net/enigma
DATE: 11/06/2003 10:40:05 PM
i think the main problem or perhaps confusion is that there's a difference between not liking a movie and said movie being one of the worse ever. i also think it depends on what people like, their personal preferences.

example(s):

i like men at work (not the 80s group but the horrible movie w/estevez-sheen brothers). it's silly, predictable, with shallow characters. it's really a crap movie but i like it. i would however put it on a list of worse movies,i've seen (depending on the length of the list)

i didn't like eyes wide shut. no, it didn't go over my head, i just didn't like it. i wouldn't put it on a worst movie ever list (unless i'm hard pressed to think of something)

i did not like ...damn i can't remember the name...that tarantino flick that everyone praises as brilliant. and for me it is one of the worse movies i've seen because i found very little about it entertaining. the royal w/fries movie. god! i hate that f'n movie.

re: highlander 2
if u think that was bad, i hope u never see 3 w/mario peeples. it's horrid. and because they wanted to bring duncan into the series, they throughout everything we know from 1-3.

re: blair witch
one day someone will explain to me what they found enjoyable about that garbage. i didn't like it from day one. if a scarey movie doesn't at least make me jump or fearful, it's a waste. it was better than the ring (another non-frightening wannabe) because it atleast depended on acting.

worst movie i've ever seen(do pornos count?) that i can remember: storm watch

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Enigma
EMAIL: enigmasconundrum@hotmail.com
IP: 68.81.172.42
URL: http://cgi.hush-nah-chile.net/enigma
DATE: 11/06/2003 10:52:13 PM
no no....american werewolf in paris!

no...oh noooooo the hunger and all it's sequels!

oh no wait i saw this god awful movie with alyssa milano.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jen
EMAIL: jen@verybigdesign.com
IP: 24.209.12.237
URL: http://www.verybigdesign.com/verybigblog
DATE: 11/07/2003 08:41:54 AM
but but.. AI was really awful. Awful, evil, bad, depressing to the point of suicidal.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ed
EMAIL: ed@edrants.com
IP: 64.81.55.66
URL: http://www.edrants.com
DATE: 11/07/2003 11:06:06 AM
Perhaps the worst movie I have seen in the past ten years is "Urban Legend." It was so insufferably idiotic that even I, your humble film geek who will sit through just about anything, walked out of the theatre, waiting for my friends to finish up the movie.

 

Tartar Control With Style
11/07/2003 03:47:22 AM

Last night, for the first time in my life, I bought a tube of toothpaste because of the cool packaging. I feel so ashamed. But look at this thing. These images don't do it justice. It's the coolest toothpaste box I've ever seen. It's all plastic and translucent, and inside the box, the tube is all aluminum and shit.

But does it work? As the package claims, it does indeed deliver an "extreme" level of cleanliness, or at least the sensation of cleanliness. It has some kind of microfoamy shit that really scours your mouth out. And for no particular reason I can think of, they made it taste just like a Luden's cherry cough drop. Afterwards I felt like I'd just had oral sex with the Freshness Fairy.

My next website design is going to totally emulate this awesome ass box. I don't care if it's for a weblog or the Don Knotts Home Page, it's getting this orange and blue translucent shit all the way. Now if you'll excuse me I'm gonna go brush my teeth again. Damn.

My next purchase: New Mary Kate & Ashley Aquafresh!

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 207.30.159.12
URL: http://www.formyselfandothers/blogspot.com
DATE: 11/07/2003 05:11:15 AM
I suspect that "and shit" part of the packaging to be subliminal messages worming their way into your subconsious and making you spend money on expensive toothpaste.

Which is very American, by the way.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: bakiwop
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 155.92.178.58
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 11/07/2003 06:59:36 AM
taking toothpaste...to the extreme!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 216.204.40.2
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com/weblog
DATE: 11/07/2003 08:14:19 AM
that is one fresh-ass box!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.117.192.66
URL: http://theshakedown.diaryland.com
DATE: 11/07/2003 08:16:44 AM
FREAK!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/07/2003 08:45:52 AM
I'm so glad you're back! I missed you!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: chinh
EMAIL: chinh@chinh.org
IP: 69.22.9.121
URL: http://www.chinh.org
DATE: 11/07/2003 08:55:58 AM
Olsen Twins ROCK. Not. But hopefully them hos' toothpaste will give you the "oral sensation" like the Extreme Clean. :-)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: rickg
EMAIL: rick_griggs@hotmail.com
IP: 207.127.128.2
URL:
DATE: 11/07/2003 09:31:49 AM
O.M.G.!!! "I felt like I'd just had oral sex with the Freshness Fairy." THAT is one of the best spontaneous lines I've ever heard. You are a freaking HOOT!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 67.106.83.29
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 11/07/2003 10:49:12 AM
Hey, I bought that toothpaste for the *exact* same reason! And I'm on my second box, now. That box is an inspiring symbol of power!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 67.250.177.123
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 11/07/2003 10:56:53 AM
Jim: No way! That's hilarious. Well, I'm glad I'm not alone in my unseemly fascination with this fucking toothpaste box. If it were running for President, I'd vote for it.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: SpyWhoLovedYou@aol.com
IP: 209.36.27.8
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 11/07/2003 11:43:56 AM
I bought it because of the "Extreme Clean" angle! I felt slightly ashamed that my mouth has only been sorta clean all this time. I hope I wasn't grossing anyone out. You know, you can clean your bathroom with a little Pine Sol, or your can scour it down with Comet and kill every last microorganism. I see this as the Comet of toothpastes.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rengirl
EMAIL: imac@pixelsensei.com
IP: 12.22.65.5
URL:
DATE: 11/07/2003 12:23:39 PM
I don't know if this is more shameful but I'm going to buy it now after reading all these glowing testimonial from you Bloggers!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: barb
EMAIL:
IP: 209.147.0.5
URL:
DATE: 11/07/2003 02:14:24 PM
what the hell!!!! mary kate and ashley toothpaste!!!

why haven't you written back. ::shakes fist::

-----
COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: wabbit@groovebunny.com
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 11/07/2003 02:41:31 PM
Wooohooo! I bought it for the exact same reason as well. But I've yet to use it since I still have 6 boxes of toothpaste waiting to be used in my bathroom cabinet.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Tallulah
EMAIL: tallulah@tallulahville.com
IP: 170.54.59.160
URL: http://www.tallulahville.com
DATE: 11/07/2003 03:59:30 PM
OMG, that is fucking hilarious. Never before have I laughed so hard I cried over a tube of toothpaste, not even when those chicks in the commercials used to make out with their own mouths over Pearl Drops.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.96.14
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 11/07/2003 04:08:52 PM
That is one sexy toothpaste box! I like how you made it glow. Makes me want one.

I'm all for a Cowblog Extreme Clean make-over! :-)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ricecracker
EMAIL:
IP: 24.26.176.233
URL: http://ricecracker.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/07/2003 05:37:23 PM
I love that toothpaste so much I get mad at my roommates for using it. It's MY cool toothpaste, damnit! They can stick with their generic cinnamint toothpaste.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jessica
EMAIL: jessica@peacedividend.com
IP: 66.117.128.123
URL: http://www.peacedividend.com
DATE: 11/07/2003 06:13:42 PM
OK, reading about how fresh and clean you all feel makes me feel kinda dirty.

In the good way.

The oral sex with the Freshness Fairy kind of way.

Crap. Now I've got to go buy some frickin' extreme toothpaste.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.165.149.231
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 11/07/2003 10:08:00 PM
I'm intrigued. I may plan a special trip to the drug store tomorrow to check it out.

-----
COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jima
EMAIL: jima@legnog.com
IP: 66.72.99.21
URL: http://www.empty-handed.com
DATE: 11/08/2003 11:58:16 AM
We saw this today. It looked like a futuristic artifact that you might have seen in the second Back to the Future movie, where Marty McFly is wandering around the future town, looking at the Mattel hoverboard, the self-lacing Nike shoes, and the instant USA Today headlines.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: filmgoerjuan
EMAIL: fgjuan@telus.net
IP: 154.5.81.228
URL: http://blog.filmgoerjuan.com/index.php
DATE: 11/09/2003 09:34:54 AM
Hmm...for some reason we folks here in Canadaland don't get the funky translucent box. Ours is just plain old cardboard, though with the same orange stripes and a subtle holographic fireworks effect (presumably meant to excite you about the explosive cleaning action you are about to undergo). I have to admit, this is the first product that I've ever bought based on a blog entry. Aquafresh should be cutting you a cheque!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ~Mel
EMAIL: kiebenkins@yahoo.com
IP: 24.2.120.186
URL: http://heart-stricken.net/melancholia
DATE: 11/11/2003 08:43:33 AM
ROFLMAO "Afterwards I felt like I'd just had oral sex with the Freshness Fairy." You are wacked and I love ya! heehee

 

Matrix Revolutions Did Not Entirely Suck a Hot Steaming Bowl of Camel Vomit
11/07/2003 11:20:12 AM



Note: May contain spoilers. Use only as directed.

After the mind-bending science fiction philosofuckfest that was Matrix Reloaded, the Wachowski Siblings (can you really call them "brothers" at this point?) could have gone one of two ways:

1. Build upon and extend the ideas embedded like mental land mines in the second movie toward the creation of a work of such awesome sophistication that it would blast apart whatever remained of your mind from the second film and leave the tiny Spam-like chunks steaming on the pavement;

or

2. Fuck it up.

Let's just say the Wachowskis took the blue pill this time around.

Now, just because they dropped the ball in certain crucial respects doesn't make it a bad movie. My ass was not unkicked, to be sure. If you loved the first Matrix but the second one made your head hurt, this one's the "true" sequel you've been waiting for. It basically scales back the Big Questions to a more easily digestible level, and settles for pounding your fucking head in with massive battle scenes on a scale unmatched by anything you've seen before (at least until Return of the King opens next month). Which isn't a bad thing at all.

But.

If you've spent the past few months speculating about things like "Is the Merovingian a previous version of Neo?" and "Is Zion actually part of the Matrix?" and "Who the fuck is the Merovingian?" then prepare for a gigantic letdown. It's not so much that none of the questions are answered, it's that they're dismissed in the most boring way possible. You're gonna see people defend the film on the grounds that the Wachowskis leave those questions open on purpose instead of neatly tying up the loose ends, but bullshit rationalizations do not a satisfying mindfuck make. Listening to critics make with the "they leave it for the viewer to decide!" argument is like listening to a guy deliver a dozen sound medical reasons why he couldn't get it up. It's like, hey, it's OKAY, don't worry about it, just shut up already and turn on the TV.

But.

I also hate it when critics review the movie they wanted to see rather than the movie that's actually up there on the screen. And what's there is pretty goddamn cool. The Zion Smackdown scene is insane action. It's like sticking your face in a lawnmower. There's so much machinery coming at you that it's scary. I kept bunching up my fingers so they wouldn't get crushed. And while the CGI bashers will continue bashing the CGI, I have to say that one thing they're starting to get right is giving digital images a feeling of weight and presence. If nothing else, the sight of 1,000,000,000,000 goddamn squidlike Sentinels coming at ya like a school of deranged sardines with frickin' laser beams attached to their heads will scare the shit out of you.

The only problem with the Zion Smackdown is the same as with the second movie's Burly Brawl -- it's like watching a video game demo. All these swarms of enemy drones made me feel like I was on the "Challenging Stage" of Gyruss. Plus, the whole thing had a Starship Troopers aspect that didn't thrill. You know -- blasting away at hordes of faceless enemies just loses its impact after the first 1,000 or so kills.

By the way, I had to love the weird Tron vibe I was getting through the entire film. When the one program (the married one!! with a kid!!) talks about how he's some kind of energy plant regulating program or something like that, did anyone else flash back to the guy in Tron who was the insurance actuarial program? And could the face of the "Source" look any more like the MCP? [Answer: no.

All in all, while I wasn't exactly overwhelmed by Revolutions, I wasn't underwhelmed, either. I was merely...whelmed. The only thing that pissed me off was that the Merovingian ended up being the Darth Maul of the Matrix films. He's set up as this Big Bad and then immediately and too-easily dismissed. Which kind of symbolizes the whole series: big buildup, so-so payoff. Even the most compelling player in these sequels, Monica Bellucci's cleavage, only gets a cameo in this film. Sad.

I really wish they'd taken more time with #3 and not tried to do both sequels in one go, because it shows. You can sense a sort of thought fatigue settle in, where they struggled with the deep themes for a while and then threw up their hands and said, "Let's just wrap this shit up and go get gyros."

Still, it wasn't a bad ride. To paraphrase the Architect, "There are levels of crapola we are prepared to accept."

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL: http://formyselfandothers.blogspot.com/
DATE: 11/07/2003 01:06:13 PM
*sigh*

I just love you.

You and Adam Sessler. But you first.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 216.204.40.2
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com/weblog
DATE: 11/07/2003 02:13:38 PM
"It's like sticking your face in a lawnmower."

You are the most wonderful man I have ever known.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KateMonkey
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 62.254.0.38
URL: http://www.katemonkey.co.uk
DATE: 11/07/2003 02:49:18 PM
Naw, it hit that level of crap I couldn't cope with.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.96.14
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 11/07/2003 04:05:36 PM
I just saw it, and felt pretty much the same way. On the way home, I realized what it was that bugged me about it...that scene with the big talking head was ripped off from "The Lawnmower Man"! Or, inspired by. And why are all the Agent Smiths so lazy? They just kind of stand around most of the time.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.96.14
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 11/07/2003 04:06:26 PM
Err, same way as B, I mean. I didn't think it was a crap movie, I had a good time.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.165.149.231
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 11/07/2003 10:01:38 PM
As you know, to me, this movie felt like a personal insult. It's almost like they forgot what made the Matrix so cool to begin with. =(

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: curz
EMAIL: capriporn@hotmail.com
IP: 65.141.12.223
URL:
DATE: 11/08/2003 12:35:56 AM
haha. boobs. jah, i heard it's the weakest movie of the 3.

i still need to see the other 2..and yeah..

boop.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ezrael
EMAIL: ezrael@onebox.com
IP: 4.40.2.119
URL: http://www.onceinoticedviwasonfirevidecidedtovrelaxandenjoyvthefall.org/merkabah
DATE: 11/08/2003 05:18:41 AM
I'm waffling as to going to see it. On the one hand I didn't feel the second film was in any way a philosophical mindfuck: indeed, I found it a few ideas from the Nag Hammadi texts, with some Manicheanism tossed in the hopper for spice (the Architect's little speech in particular comes right out of the particular blend of Gnosticism and Greek thought popular in Alexandria around the time of Hypatia) although I didn't think that was the movie's fault so much as I blamed everyone who thought it would be great to write a paper or a book extolling the virtues of the supposedly hidden meaning of the film. It was a fantastically tight little action/Sci-Fi flick with some depth, but because it came out of nowhere like it did to become extremely popular, a tidal wave of expectations built up behind the next two.

I ultimately thought (and you seem to be bearing me out here) that the first film ended exactly where it should have. The second film was interesting as it added demiurgic elements to the structure (the robots and machines take on a Greek element, becoming like the triumphant Olympians while the defeated humans in their stasis pods become as the Titans kept restrained in order that they not destroy the careful order constructed after their defeat) but it did little to address those few elements that never made much sense, like using humanity in a sophisticated version of that potato clock you made in school even though you'd get much more power with minimal effort by sticking a few satellites up for solar harvesting or even just tapping geothermal power...one hopes that is addressed in the sequel, but the reviews I've seen so far don't seem to bear that out.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 67.250.82.15
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 11/08/2003 11:07:12 AM
Dude, you didn't find the second film to be a philosophical mindfuck because you are a philosophical mindfuck. I'm writing from the point of view of the common man. See, there's what I think of as the "Matrix Zone" that audiences enter into when they watch this movie. As much as producer Joel Silver would have us believe that "there is no bar," these films have in fact not only raised the bar in terms of action, FX and cinematic religio-philosophical noodlings, but in so doing have made for themselves a cage from which they cannot escape.

The effect of the Matrix Zone is to render whatever is presented onscreen vaguely disappointing, because the films not only fail to manifest the quintessential, Platonic ideals of "pure action" and "pure thot" the hype following the first film created the expectation of in these sequels, but they also remove the sequels from their proper cinematic context and place them in a reality bubble wholly removed from its popcorn blockbuster kin. So we end up in a frame of mind where we can watch, say, the most ambitiously staged car chase in history and respond, not by spontaneously evacuating one's bowels, but with a mildly amused "Heh."

In a similar vein, while one might be tempted to lump Reloaded into the vat containing all the other films released this year that took bits 'n pieces of Gnostic Christianity, Theravada and Mahayana Buddhism, Shamanism, Robert Heinlein, Philip K. Dick, and about sixteen other SF and philosophical/mystical strains I'm too tired to even try to conjure up because I just woke up for fuck's sake, shoved the whole mess into a blender and force-fed the results down Jean Baudrillard's throat until he shit in a bucket, if we stand back and take a moment to, dare I say, contextualize all of this, we might be reminded that this is all happening within the boundaries of a fucking Hollywood action movie. At that point you might think to yourself, wait a minute, with the possible exception of From Justin to Kelly, there is no other major studio film in recent memory as thematically ambitious as Reloaded*. In other words, it's all about context.

My disappointment in the third movie isn't so much that it fails on an intellectual level, it's that it shoves aside so much of what I found genuinely interesting in the second to reduce down to something that doesn't exceed what came before it so much as retreat into it. Not that this reflects on the films so much as my own expectations. Bearing in mind that some people actually came away from the second film with the breathtaking claim that it contained no ideas, the various responses to the final Matrix film only reinforce my belief that you take away from these films no more or less than what you bring to them.

(* At least, not since A.I., which clearly has been more profoundly misunderstood by the general public than all of the Matrix films put together.)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 67.75.15.13
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com/weblog
DATE: 11/08/2003 12:57:19 PM
I have tired-head. I'm going to need to go watch some more of my "Mr. Belvedere - The Second Season" DVD to pacify my overloaded brain.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56nospam@yahoo.com
IP: 67.250.82.15
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 11/08/2003 03:35:56 PM
Whatever, yo.

I liked Revolutions as a stand-alone movie, actually. It had good action, nice relationships, cool scenes. As a follow-up to Reloaded, I was frustrated. As the end to the trilogy, I felt robbed.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ezrael
EMAIL: ezrael@onebox.com
IP: 4.40.2.119
URL: http://www.onceinoticed iwasonfirei decidedtorelax andenjoythefall.org/merkabah
DATE: 11/09/2003 06:41:18 AM
Dude, you didn't find the second film to be a philosophical mindfuck because you are a philosophical mindfuck

Well, maybe. But I think as much of what I saw as the ambitious failure (and I admire ambitious failures, because it's a sign that they went for it) of the second film (which was a good film, and a lot more movie than 99% of what Hollywood will produce...it just needed an editor willing and able to tell the Brothers to back off) was that it slid the mythological and religious and philosophical underpinnings of the story *out of their role as underpinnings.* In the first Matrix movie, all the same stuff is there...but nobody makes any speeches about it. Well, okay, Morpheus gets preachy a time or two, but it's never the same as having a white guy who will be playing the role of the mephitic demiurge come right out and puke the Manichean World-Cage right onto you. It's one thing for the creators to be keeping this stuff in mind, and to be leaving little pearls for you to find or not...but I think it's my contention that the failure comes when you start lifting the curtain and pointing to the big pile of pearls and going 'See? See?' instead of just creating the same solidly crafted film as the predecessor.

Of course, the first film also benefits from not having had The Matrix like a Clarkean Monolith in the minds of its audience, as you already pointed out. The argument that the second film contained no ideas is pure rubbish. It had a great many ideas, some of which I doubt you'll ever see in a movie again (and some of them came from the mouth of Anthony Zerbe, who has finally managed to almost make me forget that he was in Kiss meets the Phantom of the Park) and I wonder sometimes if that's in fact the problem...that it contained so many interesting ideas from so many sources that it distracted them from the storyline. (This is, as you might expect, a serious problem to me, one I think about often.) The Greek Mythology aspects of the story in particular (the five previous Ones as the Five Ages of Man, which also relates to the Gnostic idea of the Emanations and the Manichean World-Cage, going back to pure Zoroastrian ideas of the conflict between the Righteous Man or Shayoshant and the corruptor himself, ol' Angrya Mainu) was just one example of a fascinating set of intellectual boxes you could sit and ruminate on...but was the best place for it to be introduced that scene? I ask. I don't really know.

I don't feel very comfortable second-guessing the creators here because I honestly think that The Matrix ended in a perfect place, and that creating sequels for it was one of the most ambitious things anyone could have attempted to do. I'm possibly in agreement with you that the Matrix films themselves created so enormous a wave of expectation (what I call the Hype Tsunami) that you forget just how groundbreaking a film you're watching...but to me I keep coming back to a review I read of Revolutions wherein the critic complained that he was tired of the religious themes in the Matrix films, which struck me as patently absurd: going to see the Matrix films and complaining about Theological Bias is like going to see Lord of the Rings and bitching about all the hobbits.

As for A.I., I honestly didn't like the film, mainly because it felt a bit shizoid to me. I would have liked to have seen it entirely created by Kubrick. Still, it obviously didn't deserve to make the BBC's list of the ten worst films ever...nothing Stanley Kubrick made in any way should have been on that list. And Spielberg is a competent and talented enough filmmaker that A.I. is both visually and even thematically sparkling. It's not a film I enjoyed, but I didn't enjoy Full Metal Jacket either, and I acknowledge the genius at work in that movie. (It's really hard for me to watch it, though.) -----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/09/2003 01:04:03 PM
BOB- I totally, totally agree.
Sure, there were some awesome action sequences (I like the "sticking your face in a lawnmower" metaphor.) But there was no...sparkle. There weren't any of the clever bits that made the first movie so entertaining, and none of the intellectual depth (or "depth", depending on how much of an ass you want to be about it) that made the second movie good.

As my dad put it, it's sort of like Christianity. It takes an interesting premise and reduces it to a bland, epic Black vs. White struggle.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: oldtimey
EMAIL: oldtimey@gbronline.com
IP: 65.243.230.106
URL: http://www.three-rings.com/oldtimey
DATE: 11/10/2003 08:10:58 PM
It is pure genius to use the word "crapola" whenever possible.
-----

COMMENT:

AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.137.123.159
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 11/10/2003 09:45:06 PM
By the way, B, muchos props on that poster design! That's so great!

 

Sunday Comix
11/09/2003 04:35:39 PM

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Enigma
EMAIL: enigmasconundrum@hotmail.com
IP: 68.81.172.42
URL: http://cgi.hush-nah-chile.net/enigma
DATE: 11/09/2003 05:50:43 PM
b2 the merciless.

so it's 3am that the b2 naked banana margarita mambo takes place. no wonder i always miss it. that's 6am my time. curses *shakes fist* damn u b2!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL: http://formyselfandothers.blogspot.com/
DATE: 11/09/2003 06:38:30 PM
Yup.

I have never said "heh" to the inimitable B-superscript-2.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ricecracker
EMAIL:
IP: 24.26.176.233
URL: http://ricecracker.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/09/2003 07:52:02 PM
Impeccably profread :)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ms Lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.128.193
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 11/09/2003 09:16:00 PM
No more freakin' hiatuses. All the good bloggers are leaving.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.194.147
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 11/09/2003 10:39:55 PM
Ah, the big Sunday edition. That fucking ruled!

-----
COMMENT:
AUTHOR: bakiwop
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 209.242.228.11
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 11/10/2003 10:38:28 AM
post-modern ironic humor? damnit, i thought it was neo-classic sarcastic wit.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: curz
EMAIL:
IP: 65.138.112.151
URL:
DATE: 11/11/2003 01:00:56 AM
the best part was when you called it a castle apartment complex.

i laughed from the first word to the last one. i

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: rickg
EMAIL: rick_griggs@hotmail.com
IP: 207.127.128.2
URL:
DATE: 11/11/2003 10:01:09 AM
"heh"

(couldn't resist)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: J.
EMAIL: proprietor@coffeegrounds.net
IP: 68.162.18.53
URL: http://coffeegrounds.typepad.com/
DATE: 11/12/2003 07:00:31 AM
May the Ghost of Alex Raymond haunt you forever!

 

To Live is to Love
11/10/2003 04:10:17 PM

While B² takes a brief hiatus, special guest Steven Woodworth will be taking over the blogging duties. To acquaint you with Steven's inimitable style, we'll kick off this week with a special selection of his past entries.



Hi folks, Steven Woodworth here. B² asked me to fill in for a bit since it's been so darn quiet over here! Now, I'm no B², but I'll try to keep his seat warm for him until he gets back!

I'd like to share a few of my "thots" on love with you folks tonight. See, I've been burned more than once by the flames of romance, to the extent that I feel a bit gun-shy about wading back into the dating pond! The last girl I was with, well, let's just say that the female is a fickle creature indeed. She took my heart on the Tilt o' Whirl and bought it cotton candy...then took it behind the Skee-Ball booth and pistol-whipped it until it was lying on the ground in tatters, bits of blood and flesh scattered across the gravel like so much soggy confetti.

Still, I'm not bitter. She was a sweet gal and I wish her the best with whatever hockey team she's slutting around with this week. Just kidding, folks!

I was reading through a few relationship exercises in my "Finding Love" workbook, and one of the questions was to define what you're looking for in a mate. Well, I think what I'm really looking for is someone sweet that I can share myself with on an intimate level. Someone I can laugh with, cry with, and spend a rainy afternoon with, sipping a glass of white zinfandel and listening to some smooth jazz. Someone to cuddle with on chilly mornings, and walk through the park with on sunny afternoons. To me, love is about sharing and trust. It's not about laughing behind someone's back just because they think you're "corny" for liking Barry Manilow. But the "Finding Love" book says not to dwell on the negatives, so I won't go into that.

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever find "that special someone" to share my life with. I guess that is in God's hands and not for me to know. But I do know that the heart is a resilient muscle, and I will keep searching, keep seeking that light at the end of the tunnel, because for me, to love is to breathe. As long as there is love in my heart, I will never give up!

originally posted June 21, 2003

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: curz
EMAIL: capriporn@hotmail.com
IP: 65.138.112.151
URL:
DATE: 11/11/2003 01:05:06 AM
you're gay. where is B!??!

 

B²'s Hot & Disturbing Beverage
11/10/2003 05:09:45 PM



My mom used to make this for me when I was a kid, during our "poor Asian trash" days when we couldn't afford things like hot chocolate. I always bugged her to let me drink coffee, but she said it would stunt my growth, so she made me this instead. (As it happens, I may as well have had five cups a day for all the good that coffee abstinence did me in the height department.)

This beverage is notable in that it is almost completely made up of artificial ingredients, with nary a single organic substance other than water. As far as I know, however, it's non-toxic, although I can't imagine it's even remotely good for you.

It has a peculiar appeal that I can't even begin to rationalize. When I first foisted it on Sandra, she thought I was insane, but now she's hooked on them. I'm sure this concoction has a name, but I've only ever thought of it as "white coffee" -- although Sandra has a much more descriptive name for it: the Hot & Disturbing.

If you dare try it, I'm sure you'll agree that it's chock full o' vaguely unsettling goodness!

Ingredients:

Put creamer and sweetener in large mug; add hot water, stir. Enjoy! Sort of.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL:
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL:
DATE: 11/10/2003 05:27:44 PM
I too suffered from during poor Asian trash days. Instead of powdered non-dairy creamer, my mom would mix that Borten's sweetened condensed milk with hot water. Later I found on my own that it wasn't half bad with some rum or brandy.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: june
EMAIL: junemiller31@hotmail.com
IP: 206.40.41.253
URL: http://louveciennes.diaryland.com
DATE: 11/10/2003 05:35:26 PM
You're gonna start to glow in the dark pretty soon, you keep drinking that.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL: http://formyselfandothers.blogspot.com/
DATE: 11/10/2003 07:06:49 PM
Cannot.Even.Contemplate.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jessica
EMAIL: jessica@peacedividend.com
IP: 66.117.128.123
URL: http://www.peacedividend.com
DATE: 11/10/2003 07:29:16 PM
I wonder what it would take to make that the next big thing.

There are ramen houses (not noodle joints - but there are plenty and hooray for all of it, but seriously Just Ramen places is what I'm talking about here) popping up, all over Berkeley. Mostly they serve that dollar-a-day poor-white-girl-with-poor-Asian-roomates concoction of ramen, 0.5oz. meat and/or an egg, plus a handful of peas, corn, or kelp, whatever's kicking around the crisper, for $8 a pop.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 64.208.80.95
URL: http://xkot.net
DATE: 11/10/2003 08:53:34 PM
Oh man... here I am at work, with a breakroom full of the required ingredients, trying to resist the temptation. It sounds so horrible that I just might have to try it.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 64.208.80.95
URL: http://xkot.net
DATE: 11/10/2003 09:08:17 PM
Ok, I tried it. Your mom basically invented a hot version of the dunkin donuts vanilla coolatta. Both versions, of course, are really gross.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.137.123.159
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 11/10/2003 09:36:39 PM
No matter how bad anyone says it is... I can't help myself. I must try it!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jesse
EMAIL: tryturkey@yahoo.com
IP: 64.166.23.78
URL: http://turkeydinner.net
DATE: 11/10/2003 11:03:57 PM
whoa, is that a precursor to Horlick or what?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.198.27.219
URL:
DATE: 11/11/2003 12:13:40 AM
hock a loogie into it and *presto* it's a warm Boba drink.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KateMonkey
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 62.254.0.38
URL: http://www.katemonkey.co.uk
DATE: 11/11/2003 07:08:25 AM
My mother used to be a part of a bowling league and she'd take us along, even though we were too old for the "nursery" area and too young to bowl.

So we spent a lot of time sitting there and being weird. And we discovered we really liked the liquid non-dairy creamer in the little cartons mixed with a sugar packet and drunk through one of the coffee-stirrer straws.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 67.250.184.248
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 11/11/2003 07:26:53 AM
I'm a lifelong junkie for those little liquid creamer cartons. That and the half-and-half cartons. Yum!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: anniek
EMAIL:
IP: 66.180.127.182
URL:
DATE: 11/11/2003 11:37:46 AM
When I was working two jobs and too tired/lazy/stoopid to get to the store, I happened across my favorite breakfast drink... the milk in the fridge was chunky-style, so I just dumped the Instant Breakfast package right into my coffee, added some aerosol whipped cream left over from the previous thanksgiving and Voila! Better than any $5 coffee at Schtarbux, the ingredients travel well, and contains 33% daily requirement of vitamins, minerals and 4X the sugar! We call it the Crap-a -chino.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: MangoMonkeyBoy
EMAIL: heavyheavyjon@yahoo.com
IP: 68.42.205.18
URL: http://mangomonkeymadness.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/14/2003 07:48:59 PM
'Feh', indeed.

Aptly named, tho'.

Sometimes I make tea & just use water made hot by the Power of the Sink instead of heating it up in kettle or other implement of water temperature increasement. And sometimes! I drink it out of a glass instead of a real teacup or mug. Knock me of my perch.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: MangoMonkeyBoy
EMAIL: heavyheavyjon@yahoo.com
IP: 68.42.205.18
URL: http://mangomonkeymadness.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/14/2003 07:49:34 PM
...or indeed, 'off' said perch...

 

Tonight, I Cried
11/11/2003 05:16:31 AM

While B² takes a brief hiatus, special guest Steven Woodworth will be taking over the blogging duties. To acquaint you with Steven's inimitable style, we'll kick off this week with a special selection of his past entries.

Hi folks, Steven Woodworth here. I'm afraid I'm in a bit of a melancholy mood tonight, my friends. You see, I was at the supermarket this afternoon, buying some Cool Whip Free and a box of Gas-X, when I spotted a girl in the next checkout lane who was a dead ringer for my ex-girlfriend! It wasn't her, of course, but whoever that girl was, she sure did bring back some bittersweet memories for this newly (in)eligible bachelor!

Oh man. As Barry Manilow might say, I thought I had "Made It Through The Rain," but in truth I "Can't Smile Without You."

It was all I could do to keep from bursting into tears in the car on the way home! Once I got into the house, though, I immediately ran to my bed and shed cathartic tears into my pillow. When it's good, love is the finest emotion there is, but when it's bad, there's not a wolverine in Canada that'll tear you up with more heartless ferocity.

I remember all my life
Rainin' down as cold as ice
Shadows of a man
A face through a window
Crying in the night
The night goes into
Morning just another day
Happy people pass my way
Looking in their eyes
I see a memory
I never realized
How happy you made me
-- Barry, "Mandy"

originally posted June 24, 2003

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike
EMAIL: mike@mike.com
IP: 66.68.191.181
URL:
DATE: 11/11/2003 01:55:01 PM
What a girly-boy you are? They won't sending you to fight a war anytime soon, right? Man, get a hold of yourself. There's brave people dying for you in Iraq. And 3,000 people died for your sins on Sept 11th because, guess what, cry baby, the world is not a piece of pie. Buck up, Tarzan.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 67.250.184.248
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 11/11/2003 02:08:18 PM
Man, don't be too hard on Steven. He just wants to LOVE.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 66.217.145.114
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com/weblog
DATE: 11/11/2003 04:09:50 PM
never be afraid to feel, steven (to truly feel)!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56nospam@yahoo.com
IP: 67.250.176.171
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 11/12/2003 12:08:05 AM
Do not fuck with the Woodsman!

 

¡El Golpe de la Ficción!
11/11/2003 02:07:04 PM



First of all, congratulations to Sandra and Smivey, who both won the September Fiction Slam in a dramatic tied vote! While the inevitable recount is in progress, check out Sandra's story "Work in Progress" and Smivey's "The Sucker".

And with that, the October Slam is ON. Send your vote for your favorite story. Meanwhile, check out the November Slam photo and get started.

Muchas gracias to Heather for the much-needed ass kick.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Smivey
EMAIL: smivey@yahoo.com
IP: 64.167.79.99
URL: http://smivey.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/11/2003 11:40:19 PM
Ironically, I voted for Sandra's story. Damn.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56nospam@yahoo.com
IP: 67.250.176.171
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 11/12/2003 12:07:17 AM
And I voted for your story! It's like the Gift of the Magi! *sob* *tear*

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL:
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 11/12/2003 10:36:50 PM
Hehe. Congrats you two. Tres deserving! :)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56nospam@yahoo.com
IP: 67.250.176.175
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 11/14/2003 02:34:19 PM
Thank you, Your Grooveness!

 

Thank You
11/11/2003 05:34:48 PM

A Very Special shout out to my Uncle Steve on this Veteran's Day. My uncle served in the U.S. Army in Korea during their little "police action." If not for him and the other soldiers who put their lives on the line over there, right now I'd be posting to "Dear Glorious Diary of Our Great Leader Kim Jong-Il's Struggle Against the Capitalist Running Dogs." That is, if I weren't too busy scrounging for rice to maintain a weblog. Or even own a computer.

I've noticed a sort of weird backlash against honoring veterans of war, on the grounds that it glorifies war and minimizes the suffering and death by bathing it in the golden hues of patriotism. For instance, the popular image of WWII as "the good war" in which brave soldiers went off to nobly sacrifice their lives to protect our freedom, some allege, ignores the fact that many of those soldiers hated the war, hated being there, and cared less about the vaunted ideal of the defense of liberty than about staying alive.
To which I say, bullshit. We honor our war veterans precisely because we know they went through hell. We who have never experienced war firsthand may never glimpse more than a fraction of what those folks have seen -- thank God -- but what we do know is enough, or should be enough, to value their sacrifice all the more. The sacrifice of their lives, their sanity, their humanity. The fact that they place their lives in the hands of Presidents and men in expensive suits who push them around the world like so many game pieces, and use them up with a brutal casualness.

We can argue about the justification of this war or that, but the bottom line is that, for right reasons or wrong, in good wars and bad wars, these are the people who bear the cost of our nation's defense.

I have never known true horror. And the reason is because thousands of complete strangers whose names I will never know faced that horror in my place. That's why we honor these men and women. Not out of flag-waving, rah-rah patriotism, but simple gratitude and awe.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Serenity
EMAIL: serenity@serenitysjournal.com
IP: 170.224.224.38
URL: http://www.serenitysjournal.com
DATE: 11/12/2003 07:09:59 AM
Amen. That is exactly what we owe to the men and women who have served in the Armed Forces and especially to the ones who have died while serving so that we can sit here and debate whether or not we think a war is justified.

Thank you for such a wonderful post and remembering WHY we have this day.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: june
EMAIL: junemiller31@hotmail.com
IP: 206.40.41.253
URL: http://louveciennes.diaryland.com
DATE: 11/12/2003 10:39:29 AM
It is possible to hate war but honor the people who fight it. Thank you.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Latheos
EMAIL: nope@notgoingthere.com
IP: 207.46.228.31
URL: http://latheos.nerdsluts.com
DATE: 11/12/2003 07:16:03 PM
Thank you for remembering. For recognizing that yes, many of us who have fought in wartime didn't want to be there, but had jobs to do.

I prefer to think that I went and fought in a war I didn't want to fight for all of the people back home, so they wouldn't have to.

So you have *my* thanks for not forgetting us.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL:
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 11/12/2003 10:35:54 PM
Beautifully said. I couldn't have said it better meself. :)

 

Let Me Paint You With the Colors of My Heart
11/12/2003 03:02:32 AM



While B² takes a brief hiatus, special guest Steven Woodworth will be taking over the blogging duties. To acquaint you with Steven's inimitable style, we'll kick off this week with a special selection of his past entries.

Hi folks, Steven Woodworth comin' at ya again. You know, some people have told me that they find my guest posts "disturbing" and "uncomfortable." Hey, that's okay, but I can only be what I am. I'm just as God made me, and all I can do is be true to myself and as honest with you, my friends, as I can. If that's not good enough for some people...well, all I can say is, if they ever change their minds, they're welcome to come join me for a vanilla latte anytime.

There's someone I've been thinking about a lot lately, and noooo I'm not going to tell you who it is. If she found this weblog I would be so embarrassed. No, let's keep that a secret just between the three of us -- me, myself, and I. Ha ha. Anyway, this someone...whenever I think of her, I get all tingly inside. It's like she woke something up inside me that's raging to escape this flesh and go to her. And hey, I know what you're thinking...quit it! It's not like that, okay?

Of course, I don't know if she even knows I exist. Sigh! That's the story of my life. It's like in eighth grade when I finally confessed my love (over the phone) to Becky Simpson, and she was just like, "Who are you? Were you in my history class? Omigod!" Well, she wasn't the first girl to laugh at me, and she won't be the last!

To live is to love. That is the credo with which I have lived my life. And I will not stop living by that credo now, just because the collective weight of my past failures crushes down on my chest like an anvil. No baby. If I'm going to go out, let it be in a blaze of glory!

originally posted July 7, 2003

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 207.30.159.12
URL: http://www.formyselfandothers/blogspot.com
DATE: 11/12/2003 06:45:22 AM
This is the creepy yet lyrical rationalizations of a stalker, you know.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ezrael
EMAIL: ezrael@onebox.com
IP: 4.40.2.119
URL: http://www.onceinoticed iwasonfirei decidedtorelax andenjoythefall.org/merkabah
DATE: 11/12/2003 07:55:41 AM
It's like she woke something up inside me that's raging to escape this flesh and go to her.

That's just the dark promptings of his sinister id. He should stop complaining and get himself a copy of De Vermis Mysteriis, that'll fix him right up.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: SpyWhoLovedYou@aol.com
IP: 69.0.55.132
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 11/12/2003 09:02:04 AM
Stalkers are ALWAYS "nice guys."

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ezrael
EMAIL: ezrael@onebox.com
IP: 4.40.2.119
URL: http://www.onceinoticed iwasonfirei decidedtorelax andenjoythefall.org/merkabah
DATE: 11/12/2003 09:36:05 AM
The female ones tend not to be nice guys.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: SpyWhoLovedYou@aol.com
IP: 209.36.27.8
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 11/12/2003 12:28:20 PM
Good point.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: oldtimey
EMAIL: oldtimey@gbronline.com
IP: 65.243.230.18
URL: http://www.three-rings.com/oldtimey
DATE: 11/12/2003 04:12:56 PM
I think I saw Steven Woodworth on the bus once, or maybe it was someone else "disturbing" and "uncomfortable."

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.199.112.101
URL:

DATE: 11/12/2003 09:15:13 PM she'll no doubt *duck her head* to avoid blaze of glory, but still (secretly) waits for the kiss

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: curz
EMAIL: capriporn@hotmail.com
IP: 65.148.116.129
URL:
DATE: 11/12/2003 10:33:19 PM
so are you speaking for B or about yourself??

there are pickles enclosed.

-thief.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL:
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 11/12/2003 10:33:54 PM
I can't even remember what it feels like to be all tingly inside.

 

Steve's Getting Funky!
11/13/2003 06:31:59 AM



While B² takes a brief hiatus, special guest Steven Woodworth will be taking over the blogging duties. To acquaint you with Steven's inimitable style, we'll kick off this week with a special selection of his past entries.

Yo homies, Steve Dogg iz in the hizzouse, comin' at ya on the gangsta tip! Ha ha, just kidding guys. The closest I've come to South Central is in 8th grade when Terence Wang chucked a N.W.A. cassette tape case at my head in homeroom! No, it's just plain ol' me, Steven Woodworth, Man About Town.

As you can probably tell, I'm feeling rather chipper tonight. I had a GREAT online chat with "the girl" today! I probably shouldn't do this, but I'll post a teeny excerpt of it here -- with the names changed to protect the guilty innocent of course!

CutiePie76: so i basically told him to fuck off
Woodman Good, because you could do soo much better than that jerk! *Hugs*
CutiePie76: thanks
CutiePie76: next time i'm definately going for someone who isn't such a jerk
Woodman You deserve so much better than that! :)
CutiePie76: maybe a hunky scandinavian dude, haha
Woodman Hey, my mom is from Norway!
CutiePie76: LOL
Woodman Haha

I mean, not that anything "happened" in that convo, but the groundwork has been laid!

originally posted July 11, 2003

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: curz
EMAIL: capriporn@hotmail.com
IP: 198.188.250.49
URL:
DATE: 11/13/2003 08:15:03 AM
lol.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: barb
EMAIL:
IP: 198.188.250.48
URL:
DATE: 11/13/2003 08:39:30 AM
where's my french toast?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/13/2003 08:56:21 AM
I love you, Steven. It's "stalker" love, but love just the same.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Steven Woodworth
EMAIL:
IP: 128.208.100.214
URL: http://www.uphcn.org/directry/docuphcn/woodwos1.html
DATE: 11/13/2003 09:09:40 AM
I must insist you cease and desist this slander.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL: http://formyselfandothers.blogspot.com/
DATE: 11/13/2003 09:30:57 AM
Nope, Dr. Steve -- not the same guy. Can't you see the PICTURE??

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 67.106.83.29
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 11/13/2003 09:48:06 AM
High five, Woodman!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ezrael
EMAIL: ezrael@onebox.com
IP: 4.40.2.119
URL: http://www.onceinoticed iwasonfirei decidedtorelax andenjoythefall.org/merkabah
DATE: 11/13/2003 10:59:56 AM
Say, guys, anyone know who that woman who was all over Sven last night was? Something about "Getting all heated up on AIM and then finding a *real* man" or some such?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.157.127.110
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 11/13/2003 09:50:10 PM
Steven Woodworth so rocks.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: MangoMonkeyBoy
EMAIL: heavyheavyjon@yahoo.com
IP: 68.42.205.18
URL: http://mangomonkeymadness.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/14/2003 07:56:16 PM
He is truly the Neil Hamburger of the Romantic set, this one.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.191.96.194
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 11/15/2003 07:26:44 AM
"The groundwork has been laid!" Mwaahaha! Indeed, Woodster, Indeed.

 

The Heart Shaped Box That Is My Heart
11/14/2003 01:27:55 AM



While B² takes a brief hiatus, special guest Steven Woodworth will be taking over the blogging duties. To acquaint you with Steven's inimitable style, we'll kick off this week with a special selection of his past entries.

Hi folks, Steven Woodworth here. Tonight as I relax with my glass (or two!) of wine and Lionel Richie crooning on iTunes, my thoughts drift back to "the girl" and a special night we spent together, when we were still "an item."

"The girl" and I had been having some problems, and I sensed that she was drifting away from me. I realized that the only way I could bridge this gulf between us was to open my heart to her, and to share with her my innermost soul.

One evening, after a delicious dinner that I prepared for us (tarragon chicken, if you must know!) I handed "the girl" a present, to mark the very special occasion of our one month anniversary. It was a heart shaped box, and inside was a rock and a feather.

"The rock is me," I said. "The feather is you."

I took her hand and placed it over my heart. "Fly," I said. "Let me be constant and steady. Let us hold it all in one heart. Let us balance each other."

I think she was genuinely moved, because she was literally speechless as she held the box in her hand and gazed for long moments at the symbols of our love that I had given her.

She left the next day. But that's okay. I understand now what her heart was trying to tell my heart that evening.

She was not a feather after all.

She was a bird.

And she needed to fly, to fly farther than I, the rock, could follow.

originally posted July 23, 2003

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL: http://formyselfandothers.blogspot.com/
DATE: 11/14/2003 05:15:03 AM
Or she was thinking "Our relationship can be summed up by a velvet box with a hunk of broken concrete and a pigion feather with poop on it. I'm sooo outta here."

One of those "It's the thought that counts" moments.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL:
IP: 209.246.244.90
URL:
DATE: 11/14/2003 08:36:08 AM
I'm such a mush head sucker for symbols of love. That was just so....*sniff* bittersweet.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: curz
EMAIL: capriporn@hotmail.com
IP: 198.188.250.240
URL:
DATE: 11/14/2003 01:24:39 PM
lol.

yoosa funneh man.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ricecracker
EMAIL:
IP: 24.26.176.233
URL: http://ricecracker.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/15/2003 10:50:04 PM
That's hot.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Serenity
EMAIL: serenity@serenitysjournal.com
IP: 216.148.244.38
URL: http://www.serenitysjournal.com
DATE: 11/17/2003 04:24:47 AM
I've been reading your stuff while B was away and I still haven't figured out quite yet if you are a complete pushover or if you are seriously, darkly sarcastic. I'm hoping for the latter because that's how I view your posts and they tear my sides with laughter.

If it's the former...uh, sorry dude.

 

Go Here Instead
11/14/2003 06:08:57 AM

I just want to note that Smivey is one funny writer. And not in, like, an asshole way, either. Smivey writes engagingly about the amusing minutiae of his life in the best weblogger tradition, and is by all accounts a stand up guy.

All right-thinking individuals should visit Smivey's blog, and link to it, and tell him how frickin' witty he is, even though he's probably heard it all a million times and is so oversaturated with praise that compliments merely earn his contempt. On second thought, maybe you shouldn't go there at all, if he's gonna have that attitude. I mean, seriously, who does he think he is? Arrogant bastard...let's kick his ass! Who's with me???

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Smivey
EMAIL: smivey@yahoo.com
IP: 64.167.79.99
URL: http://smivey.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/14/2003 06:55:56 AM
(walking up to the microphone) Wow. I wasn't expecting this. I just don't know what to say. Fortunately, I prepared a speech.

(ahem) First of all, I'd like to thank Weirdsmobile and the people of the Weirdsmobile family. Especially B, who made this all possible. (sniff) I'm sorry. I told myself I wasn't going to do this. Um, where was I? (wiping away a tear) God, this is just so overwhelming. I feel like I just won the lottery, ya know? I don't usually play the lottery, but...

(the orchestra plays, getting louding and louder)

Wait. I want to thank Glovia for all her support throughout the year!

(the microphone sinks down into the stage)

Dammit! (lowering myself down with the microphone) I also want to thank that big guy up there, who makes me look so good: Johnny, my makeup man. Great job, Johnny. Sorry I couldn't get you better seats, buddy.

(two goons come out and drag me away)

Wait! Wait! I'm not finished! waittttttttttttt...!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: wabbit@groovebunny.com
IP: 209.246.244.90
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 11/14/2003 09:00:32 AM
Thanks B for pointing me in the direction of more good stuff, yO! :)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56nospam@yahoo.com
IP: 67.250.176.175
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 11/14/2003 02:39:39 PM
In all seriousness, I dig Smivey's shit enough that I sometimes wish he'd break out of the "Stuff Sucks" format and just comment on everyday things.

I like to read good writers when they talk about everyday events. I think that is also part of your appeal, Mr. B. You can write about going to the grocery store - something that would bore me blind if I read it at the average blog - and I'll be reading voraciously to the end, either cracking up if it's funny, or saying, "yeah me too!"

Good writers fucking rock and should be well promoted, amen.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Serenity
EMAIL: serenity@serenitysjournal.com
IP: 66.119.33.170
URL: http://www.serenitysjournal.com
DATE: 11/17/2003 04:22:03 AM
Alright, the bandaid post did it for me. I've had a few things to say about abandoned bandaids and seeking out their owners.

Thanks for sharing the URL.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Serenity
EMAIL: serenity@serenitysjournal.com
IP: 66.119.33.170
URL: http://www.serenitysjournal.com
DATE: 11/17/2003 04:22:34 AM
"Did it for me" = goes on my blogroll cause it was hilarious.

 

Tedious Introspection Comix #1
11/18/2003 02:18:02 AM

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL: http://formyselfandothers.blogspot.com/
DATE: 11/18/2003 07:18:14 AM
argh! It's Skull Face!

and that damn stripey tie!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Barbara
EMAIL: bs_liang@hotmail.com
IP: 198.188.250.51
URL:
DATE: 11/18/2003 08:07:36 AM
gyhAHHaHAhahhaha....

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: curz
EMAIL: capriporn@hotmail.com
IP: 198.188.250.50
URL:
DATE: 11/18/2003 08:07:43 AM
lol! i

 

Tedious Introspection Comix #2
11/19/2003 03:04:32 AM

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.8.244
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 11/19/2003 06:59:29 AM
Some days I feel I live your comix.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 216.204.40.2
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com/weblog
DATE: 11/19/2003 11:50:43 AM
HAHA!!
(it's funny because he's lonely!)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ms Lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.132.102
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 11/19/2003 12:16:31 PM
What comics do you use as templates? I'm totally copying off of you for a class, but will give credit, of course. If you see a bunch of purdue professors suddenly visitng your site, you'll have me to thank.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ezrael
EMAIL: ezrael@onebox.com
IP: 4.40.2.119
URL: http://www.onceinoticed iwasonfirei decidedtorelax andenjoythefall.org/merkabah
DATE: 11/19/2003 04:44:00 PM
Thank you for not mentioning Ichael-May Ackson-Jay.

 

Tedious Introspection Comix #3
11/20/2003 12:09:50 AM

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike
EMAIL: mike@whybark.com
IP: 216.173.212.237
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 11/20/2003 08:35:51 PM
http://www.tcj.com/journalista/zarch200311C.html#saunders

coincidence?

-----
COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: wabbit@groovebunny.com
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 11/20/2003 09:56:45 PM
Hehe...these comix still have a tremendous affect. You rock!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 67.250.82.202
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 11/21/2003 04:13:48 AM
Coincidence or causality? Ugh! I'm truly sorry hear of his passing...despite my rampant theft I admired his work.

 

Tedious Introspection Comix #4
11/21/2003 02:41:48 AM



In memory of John Saunders, writer of the original Mary Worth strips. Although I've got some balls paying homage to a guy whose work I've copied for my own nefarious uses, I've always genuinely liked and respected his work. [Thanks to Mike for the heads-up.]

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: j-a
EMAIL: jeonga_kim@yahoo.co.uk
IP: 202.71.195.230
URL: http://www.whatarewedoinghere.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/21/2003 03:43:48 AM
ha ha ha, these comics are just so hilarious...i see the change in format hasn't changed any of the content...

 

Dis? or Dat?
11/21/2003 06:22:55 AM

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Pete
EMAIL: deucepm@further-adventures.com
IP: 66.31.187.252
URL: http://www.further-adventures.com/shoot
DATE: 11/21/2003 07:15:46 AM
I've been going with both.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: rickg
EMAIL: rick_griggs@hotmail.com
IP: 207.127.128.2
URL:
DATE: 11/21/2003 09:49:21 AM
WOW! I never needed to use TWO hands! If that's the "common" sign for it, I'm REALLY doing "Dat."

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: wabbit@groovebunny.com
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 11/21/2003 01:06:11 PM
Personally, I've been holding out for something sweeter, so for me it's despair all the way baby!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL: http://formyselfandothers.blogspot.com/
DATE: 11/21/2003 02:47:41 PM
The "dis" guy is either bragging or engaging in wishful thinking.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/22/2003 01:25:56 PM
I. Need. This. On. A. T-Shirt.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.136.188.75
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 11/22/2003 10:52:47 PM
I'm with Pete. It's hard to choose.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR:
EMAIL:
IP: 198.188.250.192

URL:

DATE: 11/25/2003 12:57:00 PM

it should've been drawing circles with your finger.

 

Which Country in the World are You?
11/22/2003 12:16:42 AM



The People's Republic of B²

The country where you go when you're turned away by countries where your particular variety of business and/or pleasure is punishable by harsh prison terms.


Positives

Charming in Sort of a Kafkaesque Way.

W/D in Unit; Small Pets Welcome with Deposit.

Smart, Sassy, and Full of Non-Stop Broadway Razzle-Dazzle!


Negatives

Laughs at Own Jokes.

Does That Thing You Can't Stand.

Will Not Eat at Any Restaurant Without an Apostrophe "'s" in Its Name.


Which Country in the World are You? brought to you by Quizilla

[via Roninneko]

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: mike whybark
EMAIL: mike@whybark.com
IP: 216.173.212.234
URL: http://mike.whybark.com
DATE: 11/22/2003 01:47:42 AM
killer flag, man.

does that mean Michael Jackson will be moving in with you?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/22/2003 01:28:45 PM
I'm still not exactly sure why that quiz was rated "M" for Mature.

I mean, swears? None. Sex/drugs references? None. I guess the Quizilla people consider phrases like "cute, fuzzy animal" too harsh for delicate young ears.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/22/2003 01:30:07 PM
...Or eyes.

...Or you know what? Never mind.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Enigma
EMAIL: enigmasconundrum@hotmail.com
IP: 68.81.172.42
URL: http://cgi.hush-nah-chile.net/enigma
DATE: 11/23/2003 11:10:23 AM
hey hip2bsquared (i blame the cold meds) do you no longer ping or am i just not seeing it? i haven't seen your blog updated on my br.

I'm Germany. Damn Mel Brooks! "Springtime for Hitler and Germany.

Germany - Despite a controversial recent history, it has had a tough and powerful history. A modern-day technological and cultural beacon, it is still target to stereotypes and antiquited thoughts.

Positives:
Technologically Advanced.
Culturally Admired.
Global Power.


Negatives:
Target of Historical Fervor.
Constant Struggle.
Funny-Looking Ethnic Clothing.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KateMonkey
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 62.254.0.38
URL: http://www.katemonkey.co.uk
DATE: 11/23/2003 03:39:22 PM
So when can I move in?

 

Living and Loving with Leader Desslok
11/23/2003 03:43:56 AM



Approach me! Look upon me and tremble, for I am Leader Desslok, ruler of Gamilon and scourge of the Galaxy!

Today's proclamations:

• I have been most pleased of late by the writings of Miss Hannah, whose insight and mastery of language far exceed that of the typical puny human. Rare as such qualities are in your pathetic species, you would do well to click the above link and "check it out," in your foolish parlance. Thus commands Leader Desslok!

• Over the weekend, your dread liege and his companion Princess Invidia of the Comet Empire chanced upon the hit motion picture Elf, featuring the madcap comic stylings of the irrepressible Will Ferrell. Having been tutored in the arts by the finest minds of Gamilon, I am of course not easily impressed, especially by the crude vaudeville that passes for "entertainment" on this backwater world. Nonetheless, this filmed divertissement amused me to no end, especially the scene where the Man-Elf denounces the department store Santa as a fraud, proclaiming "You sit on a throne of lies!" This of course recalled my confrontation with Prince Zordar during the war against the Black Nebula Empire, when he repeatedly denied having sent a pizza to my house despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Needless to say, "Elf" was, as promised, a "holiday treat for the entire family" and its creators shall be spared the executioner's blade...for now.

Lady Invidia, for her part, found the movie "cute."


• Is it only I, Desslok, who am simultaneously repelled and intrigued by the concept of genetically engineered glowing fish? I truly wish to know! By the ion-charged skies of Galman, who are the ad wizards who came up with this one?

And now this audience has grown tiresome. Begone from my sight! Thus I, Leader Desslok, have spoken.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: june
EMAIL: junemiller31@hotmail.com
IP: 206.40.41.253
URL: http://louveciennes.diaryland.com
DATE: 11/24/2003 08:43:49 AM
No, you are not the only one. I know I am going to buy some as soon as they are available, and sit up all night watching them glow.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Princess Invidia
EMAIL:
IP: 67.251.80.21
URL:
DATE: 11/24/2003 09:14:12 AM
Great Leader!

I, too, found the Elf movie highly entertaining. I nearly laughed myself to senselessness at several points during the presentation of this amusing projectional feast. I was unexpectedly touched by the conclusion to this tale and felt my desire to smite the human race ebb.

However, after returning to my place of residence, I was assaulted by "The Bachelor" televised show and felt offended all over again. Operation Wipeout Puny Humans proceeds on schedule tomorrow! After tea.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ezrael
EMAIL: ezrael@onebox.com
IP: 4.40.2.119
URL: http://www.onceinoticed iwasonfirei decidedtorelax andenjoythefall.org/merkabah
DATE: 11/24/2003 11:26:36 AM
Dude, don't make me get all Derek Wildstar on your green space-butt.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Princess Invidia
EMAIL:
IP: 67.251.80.21
URL:
DATE: 11/24/2003 12:12:49 PM
Puny Human! Are you color blind like the rest of your half-wit species? Our Glorious Leader is not green. Perhaps you have him confused with that absurd fictional space show with the pointy-eared, green blooded killjoys called Vulcans.

Bow before Desslok and beg for your miserable life! He's in a good mood after seeing Elf, and may spare you.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL:
IP: 67.251.80.21
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 11/24/2003 12:27:23 PM
Hannah writes good stuff. I think she would get more comments and discussion if she weren't on a service where you have to register in order to comment, though.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ezrael
EMAIL: ezrael@onebox.com
IP: 4.40.2.119
URL: http://www.onceinoticed iwasonfirei decidedtorelax andenjoythefall.org/merkabah
DATE: 11/24/2003 03:36:25 PM

I'm pretty sure Desslok's green. Sea green, maybe, but green. Of course, those old episodes of SCY did have some odd color corrections...at any rate, t'ain't nothing a wave motion gun can't handle.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jennifer and the beans
EMAIL: beanmom@beanmom.com
IP: 68.83.69.57
URL: http://www.kjsl.com/~beanmom/beandiary.html
DATE: 11/24/2003 03:45:16 PM
Desssss-lok! Desslok Desslok! Desssss-lok! Desslok Desslok!

*grovel*

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Princess Invidia
EMAIL:
IP: 67.251.80.21
URL: http://
DATE: 11/24/2003 05:47:56 PM
Take a cue from Jennifer, Earthling. Bow down before the hole you are digging is too deep to see out of!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Tentacular Nuclear Space-Fiend ABASMAGORSULPHERION
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 67.106.83.29
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 11/24/2003 06:54:28 PM
Hail Gamilon-leader DESSLOCK!

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE guy + HOLIDAY MOVIE?! Aarrrgguuulllrrruugh...FEAR AND HATE. Uroouuggummmph...possible too jaded by CYNICAL ALLIES from metropolitan COLD VACUUM OF SPACE. Jubbblib blubb hhhgggaaaaxx. Maybe need to CONSUME NEW ECOSYSTEM and LIGHTEN UP.

Slorrrbbphhl! Style of this weblog entry...very CREATIVE and funny: HEH. Buuuurrgglglglle.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.167.123.29
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 11/24/2003 07:13:07 PM
All hail the mighty Desslock!

I'm excited about these glowing fish. I wonder how long it will be until we can make all animals glow in the dark? This is very important research.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ricecracker
EMAIL:
IP: 24.26.176.233
URL: http://ricecracker.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/24/2003 08:16:24 PM
Desslock reminds me of Cobra Emperor. "This, I command!"

 

Bitter Ex-Boyfriend Comix #1
11/24/2003 05:07:57 AM

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL:
IP: 67.251.80.21
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 11/24/2003 12:28:39 PM
Man, that little "fucking argh!" aside is pretty much what I was thinking when I saw that! I know women like this, too, which is so sad!

It's always the sleezebags who figure out the power of complimentary phrases.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.97.19
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 11/24/2003 03:51:22 PM
Fucking argh indeed. If I were to make a bitter ex-girlfriend comix, it would be the same thing, roles reversed!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.167.123.29
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 11/24/2003 07:15:11 PM
As they say, "Flattery will get you everywhere."

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ros
EMAIL:
IP: 141.228.156.225
URL:
DATE: 11/25/2003 08:39:12 AM
Is this the Elvis Costello I'm thinking of?

 

To Punch a Cat
11/25/2003 05:23:42 AM



Is it just me, or is there something about this face that makes you want to punch it, like, really hard? I can't tell exactly what it is, but every time I see this face on a billboard or poster, I get a barely controllable impulse to lash out with deadly force.

It's not even a statement on the movie itself, or even Mike Myers, I don't think. There's just some undefinable quality to this face that arouses the primal killing instinct in my animal brain. Needless to say, nothing is going to make me watch this movie. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go attack something.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL:
IP: 67.251.80.21
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 11/25/2003 07:06:37 AM
I don't fault the people doing his makeup, because they did a great job, but the guy looks retarded. I think he brings out the Junior High School bully who had no tolerance for the down-syndrome kids in the "special" class.

Plus, it is Mike Meyers. The guy has reached a saturation point where I can no longer stomach his manic performances. Bleah. In Hell, they put Robin Williams and Mike Meyers together in a room with 10 cases of Jolt Cola and one unfortunate sinner.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: june
EMAIL: junemiller31@hotmail.com
IP: 206.40.41.253
URL: http://louveciennes.diaryland.com
DATE: 11/25/2003 08:16:08 AM
That movie is way, WAY too over-exposed and -marketed. I heard there are like 957 product placements in it, too. Like, they aren't even trying to be subtle.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.206.212
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 11/25/2003 10:33:03 AM
The Grinch made me feel the same way. He resembles something that would pop out of a whack-a-mole machine at Chuck-E-Cheese.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rengirl
EMAIL: imac@pixelsensei.com
IP: 12.22.65.5
URL:
DATE: 11/25/2003 11:09:29 AM
There was a Burger King commercial where the cat actually said, "Bling-bling." I would punch him repeatedly in the nose based on that alone.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jadedju
EMAIL: jadedju@ninewire.net
IP: 66.248.85.17
URL: http://jadedju.com
DATE: 11/25/2003 11:31:08 AM
It's the upturn of the nose. It looks like someone else already got one good belt in, and all you need is one more to finish him off.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Shannon
EMAIL: Shannon@vamphyr.com
IP: 205.188.208.172
URL: http://www.vamphyr.com/mt
DATE: 11/25/2003 11:44:44 AM
If you think just looking at that face makes you wanna punch it, wait until you see the movie, the stuff that anger management is made of I'm tellin' ya.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: curz
EMAIL:
IP: 198.188.250.192
URL:
DATE: 11/25/2003 01:03:50 PM
um, i dunno. i apologize in advance.

but hello, this movie is for children.

why are you people wasting time analyzing any of it? let alone what the characters look like.

the real target here is Dr. seuss, for making such ugly characters.

dig up his rotting remains and give him some good jabs. that'll teach his lifeless corpse for drawing ugly characters.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL:
IP: 207.30.159.12
URL:
DATE: 11/25/2003 01:13:21 PM
Uh, Hello, but this movie is aimed at children AND THERE PARENTS. It has, under the Seusian poetry, a line of running gags that only an adult will get. Like most recent kids movies, it's marketed to and intended for an audience who has money. There are damn few five year olds with disposable income.

Seuss, who is, no doubt spinning like a 50x CDROM, did not create that snide, plastic, highly beatable face in that photo.

BAH!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 67.251.80.39
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 11/25/2003 01:16:33 PM
Yeah, it's not the Seuss character that bothers me, even though I've always found the Cat kind of annoying. It's that FACE!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL:

IP: 67.251.80.39
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 11/25/2003 01:54:48 PM
Thank goodness I have not been exposed to the television advertising for this movie, or I think I would be extremely cynical about all the movies coming out right now. Bleah. Just seeing things around about Cat in the Hat is enough.

The point is, curz, kids cannot go see this movie alone - they have to go with a parent, and I feel really sorry for any poor sap that has to sit through this for the sake of their children. It won't be so bad when the DVD comes out and they can put it on and go to the study or the kitchen, but they can't leave a child unsupervised in public.

(Well, I guess they can, but any parent that allows their child to go alone into a theatre should be shot.)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ezrael
EMAIL: ezrael@onebox.com
IP: 4.40.2.119
URL: http://www.onceinoticed iwasonfirei decidedtorelax andenjoythefall.org/merkabah
DATE: 11/25/2003 03:02:51 PM
I'm of two minds on this issue. One of the minds says that it's mindless fluff for the holiday season and safely ignored. The other is testing the edge on a rather large sword and bellowing that the enemies of mankind must be destroyed with fire and steel. I'm not sure which one's going to win the debate.

Fire and steel sure sounds good, though.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 67.106.83.29
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 11/25/2003 03:58:37 PM
You know, come to think of it, I think the advertising for Elf makes me feel the same way. I think my problem is with in-your-face holiday movies, not the face.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.104.139
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 11/25/2003 07:10:03 PM
That cat face makes me HATE!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.140.161.226
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 11/25/2003 07:11:13 PM
B²,

I am so with you on this one! I can't stand looking at that horrible face. Every time I see an ad or a picture, I am filled with rage. This is exactly how my parents' cat reacted when we introduced it to the Furby.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.117.192.66
URL: http://theshakedown.diaryland.com
DATE: 11/26/2003 11:06:26 AM
That face is so annoying that it is funny.

-----
COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL:
IP: 209.246.244.90
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 11/26/2003 02:25:42 PM
I agree the cat's face is annoying and makes my stomach churn. The movie is filled with other annoying characters and spins on chaos, I swear I was stress eating my way through the movie. One large bag of pop corn, two hot dogs and two large nachos to be exact. Okay well I shared my popcorn and nachos, but I normally don't totally pig out during a movie. I usually reserve pigging out for when I'm PMSing. I have to agree with everyone here also in that the movie is aimed at adults. Every single character is made an ass of in the movie, only something adults would get, but that children wouldn't even notice because they would be more involved with the overall scene rather than be able to pick out the pot shots. Anyways...I'm not seeing this movie ever again!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ezrael
EMAIL: ezrael@onebox.com
IP: 4.40.2.119
URL: http://www.onceinoticed iwasonfirei decidedtorelax andenjoythefall.org/merkabah
DATE: 11/28/2003 05:43:00 AM
The Guardian felt it wasn't very good.

http://film.guardian.co.uk/news/story/0,12589,1094482,00.html

 

Bitter Ex-Boyfriend Comix #2
11/25/2003 06:45:34 AM

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jima
EMAIL: jima@legnog.com
IP: 207.7.7.214
URL: http://www.empty-handed.com
DATE: 11/25/2003 07:46:25 AM
It's true! It happens! Fucking ..ARGH!!!!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Man Gravy
EMAIL: mangravy@liberacesunderpamts.com
IP: 208.21.61.190
URL:
DATE: 11/25/2003 12:39:11 PM
So which ex-girlfriend is this? That's one bitter ex-boyfriend.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: curz
EMAIL:
IP: 198.188.250.192
URL:
DATE: 11/25/2003 12:55:34 PM
wow. you really make it sound terrible.

charmin. cha cha cha, charmin. i am so sick of those commercials.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 67.251.80.39
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 11/25/2003 01:55:18 PM
As to who the ex-girlfriend in question is, I think the Carly Simon song definitely applies!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ezrael
EMAIL: ezrael@onebox.com
IP: 4.40.2.119
URL: http://www.onceinoticed iwasonfirei decidedtorelax andenjoythefall.org/merkabah
DATE: 11/25/2003 02:56:33 PM
Carly Simon has a song called "WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE!!!!" out?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL:
IP: 209.246.244.90
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 11/26/2003 02:14:08 PM
Great tp...but unfortunately, cause of my real name, Charmaine, I was teased a lot as a young whipper snapper..."Please don't squeeze the Charmin!"And every person I met thought they were being clever when they said that to me, making me want to scream, "Doh! 20 billion other people already beat you to that joke numb nuts!" So... what a wench of a ex gf to have done that to you. I swear some people don't know a good thing when they have it even if it bites them in the gonads.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: j-a
EMAIL: jeonga_kim@yahoo.co.uk
IP: 202.71.195.230
URL: http://www.whatarewedoinghere.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/27/2003 01:41:32 AM
i thought it was only girls who had to deal with this kind of crap.

 

Return of the Kevin(?)
11/26/2003 03:31:16 AM

Some of you longtime Weirdsmobilers will know Kevin of Dilettante fame. He went on indefinite hiatus back in August, and despite my repeated urgings for his return, he remains firmly on the fence. Even though I've been right about everything I've told him since 1987, he never listens to me. So I bring the issue before you, Gentle Readers. If you liked Dilettante and want to see it return, I entreat you to write to Kevin at kevin[at]weirdsmobile.com and browbeat him into submission. But nicely.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: KMRZoom
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 67.24.0.84
URL:
DATE: 11/26/2003 04:42:07 PM
Ha ha ha! BTW, you've told me in the past that your high IQ makes you right 95% of the time. So, I've listened to you precisely 95% of the time! And the sounds of those crickets is from my e-mail inbox remaining empty (except for those Paris Hilton video spammers!!! Aargh).

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.140.161.226
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 11/26/2003 06:32:45 PM
Kevin, I had just started reading when you jumped ship, but I liked your insights into the "real O.C." and let's face it... that page is just too darn awesome to let it go to waste. Am I right? Or am I right?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.8.253
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 11/27/2003 07:42:03 PM
BOB, you're right! Come back to us, Kevin!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.192.195.245
URL:
DATE: 11/28/2003 01:40:32 PM
eh... it has been kind of nice and quiet since he left... and I have enjoyed the quality time ragging on him behind his back while he's not looking... but i suppose if enough people want him to come back I would jump on the bandwagon too.

;)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: SpyWhoLovedYou@aol.com
IP: 64.252.89.205
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 12/01/2003 05:04:15 AM
Baby, come back! You can blame it all on me....

 

Weird Tales
11/29/2003 06:47:45 AM

A few days ago, I cracked six eggs in a row from the same carton. All six were double yolks. I don't know what the superstition is regarding double-yolked eggs. Should I be scared?

Also, this morning I found "666" burned into my scalp. Is this something I should be concerned about?

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sexton Hardcastle
EMAIL:
IP: 68.121.188.167
URL:
DATE: 11/29/2003 11:52:41 AM
Holy shit, that 666 comment made my day, man.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ms Lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.130.99
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 11/29/2003 12:05:22 PM
I wouldn't be so concerned. Waking up to "666" TATTOOED into your head might be something to be concerned about. Especially with your drinking habit. You lush.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/29/2003 12:53:57 PM
Until the leprachauns start telling you to burn things, you have absolutely nothing to worry about.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.210.74.184
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 11/29/2003 01:39:21 PM
The 666 thing happens to everyone sooner or later, but those double yolks? Man, I don't know what's going on there... I'm pretty freaked out.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.206.212
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 11/29/2003 02:15:00 PM
It's probably due to the fertility drug fad popular among chicken couples these days.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: oldtimey
EMAIL: grr@grrgrr.com
IP: 65.243.231.180
URL: http://www.three-rings.com/oldtimey
DATE: 11/29/2003 05:29:33 PM
Satan is a cute, egg-laying chicken? Now, I could believe Satan was one of those plastic-trinket vending machines that dispenses a plastic egg and makes a fake bwak-bwak-buhgawk! sound . . but not an actual factual chicken. Totally implausible, man.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.194.88.23
URL:
DATE: 11/29/2003 08:08:03 PM
you didn't even know i was in seattle... haha

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: me
EMAIL:
IP: 24.5.108.168
URL: http://blah!blah!blah!.blogspot.com/
DATE: 11/30/2003 12:09:17 AM
I haven't laughed this hard in weeks...
thanks for the laugh! ~~Wende

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jen
EMAIL: jen@verybigdesign.com
IP: 24.209.12.237
URL: http://www.verybigdesign.com/verybigblog
DATE: 11/30/2003 05:50:39 AM
"Jumbo" eggs are most often doubles, as eggs are usually categorized by weight, not psychical size.

just another bit of useless knowledge from your buddy jen

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 67.250.82.205
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 11/30/2003 05:59:39 AM
Good to know...these were "large," though!

-----

COMMENT:

AUTHOR: Smivey
EMAIL: smivey@yahoo.com
IP: 64.167.79.99
URL: http://smivey.blogspot.com
DATE: 11/30/2003 09:30:52 PM
Wait a minute. You had Satan brand your forehead with the number of the beast and you slept through it all? That's awesome. I keep waking up, so all I've got is a "66" on my noggin.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Pete
EMAIL: deucepm@further-adventures.com
IP: 66.31.187.252
URL: http://www.further-adventures.com/shoot
DATE: 12/01/2003 07:51:33 AM
I think the bigger question is, why the hell did you crack six eggs at once? What are you, in training for a heavyweight bout?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: j-a
EMAIL: jeonga_kim@yahoo.co.uk
IP: 202.71.195.230
URL: http://www.whatarewedoinghere.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/01/2003 08:51:24 PM
wow. does this count for an entry in the guinness book of records?

 

Post-Turkey Stress Disorder
11/29/2003 07:06:05 AM

I hope everyone enjoyed their Thanksgiving. I sure did. Jesus H. Christ. I watched the Alien Resurrection special edition DVD afterward, and you know what? Movies about people doubling over in agony as monstrous organisms tear out of their distended abdomens: not on the preferred Thanksgiving viewing list. I should have stuck with Planes, Trains & Automobiles.

And now if you'll excuse me, I'm late for my seven o'clock compulsive leftover chowdown.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.194.88.23
URL:
DATE: 11/29/2003 08:09:56 PM
Logan's Run - that's my little one's new obsession....

-----

COMMENT:

AUTHOR: estella EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/01/2003 03:20:23 PM
Could have been worse; could have been National Lampoon's Vegas Vacation.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Tom Working
EMAIL: tworking@aol.com
IP: 172.196.86.111
URL: http://www.fal.net/wm/
DATE: 12/01/2003 10:29:48 PM
Brad Dourif kicked ass in Alien Resurrection as what else, a creepy quasi-psychotic mofo. He plays Wormtongue in the soon-to-replace-oxygen Lord of The Rings Peter Jackson Joynt.

 

Netflix Sits on a Throne of Lies
12/01/2003 04:23:58 PM

Today I ran across this Analysis of Netflix's DVD Allocation System, which proves scientifically that Netflix lies like a lie monkey in its DVD availability system and gives preferential treatment to subscribers who rent less frequently (and who are therefore more profitable for Netflix).

Curious, I decided to test this out. There are four titles I've been waiting on for a long time: The Work of Director Spike Jonze, Tokyo Story, .hack//SIGN Vol. 2, and Tenacious D: Complete Masterworks. They've all been listed on my queue as unavailable with a "Very Long Wait" (.hack//SIGN just got bumped up to "Long Wait" this morning). I've been waiting something like three weeks for these discs.

So, I started a trial membership with Netflix and put these four titles in my queue. Guess what? .hack//SIGN and Tenacious D are shipping out tomorrow, and the other two are on "Short Wait"!?!?!

My "Real" Queue:


My New "Fake" Queue:


Interesting, huh? Fucking bastards! The only reason I haven't already dropped them in favor of the vastly superior GreenCine (far better selection and awesome customer service) is that Netflix has a distribution center in Tacoma and I get their discs with lightning speed, while the San Francisco-based GreenCine, a much smaller service, takes about four times longer. Anyone living in that area, though, would be well advised to give GreenCine a try.

Netflix is the King of Lies.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: eopathy
EMAIL: chromo@mindspring.com
IP: 68.166.37.202
URL: http://www.greencine.com/
DATE: 12/01/2003 05:24:20 PM okay so both accounts can have the same number out, right?

if they really get shipped to you tomorrow that's great, if they don't, that earlier study is f'd up.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: gene
EMAIL: spinward@Hotmail.com
IP: 63.136.96.13
URL: http://www.somethingoutofnothing.net
DATE: 12/01/2003 06:06:13 PM
They sit upon a throne of lies!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Shannon
EMAIL: Shannon@vamphyr.com
IP: 205.188.208.172
URL: http://www.vamphyr.com/mt
DATE: 12/01/2003 06:14:07 PM
I had a DVD that was a very long wait for a little over a month go to a short wait and then back to a very long wait in the span of a week. I called Netflix on it (with one of my incredibly, err, passive agressive emails) and the DVD was shipped the next day (why the very long wait)? I hang on still because they ship out of Tacoma as well but that's their only staying power with me at this moment in time.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: chinh
EMAIL: chinh@chinh.org
IP: 69.22.9.121
URL: http://www.chinh.org
DATE: 12/01/2003 06:55:40 PM
NetFlix is always out of the movies I want -- so NO NETFLIX. I say, if you want the movie yourself, buy it, then resell on Ebay or Amazon Marketplace.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Wendy
EMAIL: wendy@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 172.201.204.252
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/wendy
DATE: 12/01/2003 07:02:38 PM
WTF??!?


-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Wendy
EMAIL: wendy@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 172.201.204.252
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/wendy
DATE: 12/01/2003 07:30:20 PM

Fascists!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jesse
EMAIL: tryturkey@yahoo.com
IP: 64.168.27.144
URL: http://turkeydinner.net
DATE: 12/01/2003 08:21:25 PM
whoa! hmm I might try that GreenCine, since I tried to rent from blockbuster, but I hadn't in three months, so they DELETED my account. Bastards! They wanted me to sign up for a new one and I told them to blow it. I really did.

well ok not really, but I still left without renting.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 66.173.50.168
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 12/01/2003 09:57:50 PM
Hmpf! You know, I've noticed that sometimes when I bump a title up in priority, the wait declines. Fishy fishy!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Smivey
EMAIL: smivey@yahoo.com
IP: 64.167.79.99
URL: http://smivey.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/01/2003 10:34:55 PM
I've noticed that I got much better service when I first started the service. Since then, it's steadily decined. I even tried (gulp) Walmart's service, which basically sucked. Since I live in SoCal, maybe GreenCine is worth a shot.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: :: jozjozjoz ::
EMAIL:
IP: 4.46.26.138
URL: http://www.jozjozjoz.com
DATE: 12/01/2003 11:32:35 PM
Netflix's shenangians are well-documented.

Check Slashdot or this entry: http://www.collisiondetection.net/mt/archives/000346.html

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: arb+b
EMAIL:
IP: 68.124.63.170
URL:
DATE: 12/01/2003 11:46:05 PM
those bastards

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL:
IP: 67.250.177.124 URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 12/02/2003 12:38:08 AM
Smivey, try GreenCine - it is definitely worth it. Lovely padded mailers... haven't had a bad one in the bunch yet. They also seem to have a more discerning buyer or buyers there, since they have a lot of anime titles and special editions.

If I still lived in SoCal, I'd go with them in a heartbeat.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Pete
EMAIL: deucepm@further-adventures.com
IP: 66.31.187.252
URL: http://www.further-adventures.com/shoot
DATE: 12/02/2003 07:28:52 AM
Or you could try Number Slate. They have porn, which is why Roger Ebert loves them oh so much.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot
.com
DATE: 12/02/2003 04:55:17 PM Psst! R's going out of town on the tenth! I hope you're down for some all-night drunken AIM action. Seeing as how we're internet married and all.

WITHOUT a ring. Harrumph.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 68.19.229.163
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 12/03/2003 12:19:00 AM
Dude, you kick the ass of 60 Minutes.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: anniek
EMAIL:
IP: 24.8.231.156
URL:
DATE: 12/03/2003 07:53:42 AM
I have been waiting for 'Rolling Stones Live at the MAX' for six f-ing months, got tired of waiting and buried it in cheesy new releases.

I jut tried moving it back up top. We'll see.

We'd love to try someone else, but we, too, are blesed with a local distribution center here in Moo-ville, Some times the movies appear in less than 24hrs of the reciept notice.

Helpful household hint: if you can't quit it, get it for less. During an austerity program, I called to cancel and got it for $14.99/mo for 6mo. instead of $19. When compared to other means of keeping my dead butt glued to the couch, still quite the bargain.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: bra
d
EMAIL: IP: 204.107.45.16
URL:
DATE: 12/05/2003 03:52:48 PM
I have net flix in Sacramento, Ca and have had none of the above problems. As we have a local distribution center I get Great service with fast turn arounds. Admittedly I do rent more "fringe" movies but I have nothing but love for them.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Taylor
EMAIL: sleepingbeautyisme@yahoo.com
IP: 24.205.172.174
URL: http://javaviolet.diaryland.com
DATE: 12/05/2003 04:53:15 PM
Damn! I upgraded to 8 cds at a time, because of my boyfriend. And they already f**ked up the order my queue!!

Bastards!! They shuffled the list up, even though it had said it was available "now". Argh!

At lease now, I realize they just doing it to screw with me.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sid
EMAIL: sidrw@hotmail.com
IP: 68.111.165.241
URL:
DATE: 12/06/2003 07:48:50 AM
I worked (very very briefly) for Suncoast, which was pushing Netflix membership hard. I was told, during training, "Yeah, it's crap, but we make money off it." We were also told to hedge all statements made to customers about it, regarding delivery, availabilty, etc. Used the word "maybe" and "sometimes" and "possibly" a lot.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Enigma
EMAIL: enigmasconundrum@hotmail.com
IP: 68.81.172.42
URL: http://cgi.hush-nah-chile.net/enigma
DATE: 12/07/2003 03:32:48 PM
they took a title out of my queue. i wonder if i started a temp acc't, if i could get it.

oh, and ewwww .hack/sign? b!!!!!!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 67.250.184.5
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 12/07/2003 03:35:49 PM
Yeah, I know -- it's for a review!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sam
EMAIL: escher@ddyne.com
IP: 68.92.81.50
URL: http://www.whereami.org
DATE: 01/14/2004 08:09:38 AM
This problem should vanish if Netflix can reach their goal of being an internet delivered movie service and skip the mailing of DVDs altogether.

 

The Most God Damn Depressing Song Ever, Part One
12/02/2003 11:53:13 PM



La Féministe has thrown down the gauntlet, and I can but respond. Frankly, I welcome any opportunity to dig into my vast library of cheesy sad music. If ever again I offer up my heart to the tender mercies of the fairer sex, it will be to that special gal who can appreciate the inferno of twisted genius that is Lionel Richie.

But I digress.

The fact is, I can't pick just one "most depressing" song, because there are so many flavors of depressing. Despair is to the chronically depressed what snow is to the Inuit -- I myself have personally experienced at least two dozen distinct varieties of anguish. So this will be more of a series than a single entry.

Today's God Damn Depressing Song originally came to me via Keely, a fellow connoisseur of the melancholy melody. Now, you'll notice very few, if any, "hip" or "edgy" tunesmiths on my list, because it's my opinion that the majority of alternative type bands are too heavily larded over with irony to make truly depressing music. The best depressing music is almost painfully earnest, completely free of ironic detachment, and delivered with a sincerity and depth of feeling far beyond the ken of your typical hipster rocker. This isn't about sulking prettily in some campus dive bar, my friends. This is about being alone at 3 a.m. in the darkness of your bedroom, just you and the abyss. I think you'll agree, then, that this song, while corny as hell, is one of the most god damn depressing songs ever.

Anyway, Garth Brooks. The Dance.



Looking back on the memory of
The dance we shared beneath the stars above
For a moment all the world was right
How could I have known you'd ever say goodbye
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance
Holding you I held everything
For a moment wasn't I the king
But if I'd only known how the king would fall
Hey who's to say, you know I might have changed it all
And now I'm glad I didn't know
The way it all would end
The way it all would go
Our lives are better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance
Yes my life is better left to chance
I could have missed the pain
But I'd have had to miss the dance

The narrative of the song is simple yet universal: a man laments the end of a relationship. Whether this end was caused by death, divorce, or some other calamity is left to the interpretation of the listener. Our man recalls a particularly sweet memory from their time together: so far, so good. Ah, but then the bitter blow: I'm glad I didn't know / The way it all would end / The way it all would go. Why? Because he "might have changed it all," and thereby missed out on the entire experience. For, while he "could have missed the pain," he would also "have had to miss the dance." This is the bittersweet heart of the song -- that this man, in the depths of sorrow and grief, nonetheless treasures the experience as having brought him true happiness along with his current misery.

Christ, is that depressing, or what? To my mind, there are few varieties of sadness more profound than the ones you embrace for the sake of a higher cause. Is there any more poignant tribute to a parted love than to assert that the experience of having known him/her was worth suffering the pain of separation?

Damn.

And yeah, the song has personal meaning for me, but I'm gonna share that with you bastards right after I give you my credit card number.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Miranda
EMAIL: miranda@mirandala.org
IP: 158.70.105.140
URL: http://www.mirandala.org/blog/
DATE: 12/03/2003 07:25:42 AM
One of the most depressing songs ever, from one of the most depressing songwriters ever: In the Winter, by Janis Ian. Love it.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: rickg
EMAIL: rick_griggs@hotmail.com
IP: 207.127.128.2
URL:
DATE: 12/03/2003 08:59:44 AM
**peeks out from the "I listen to Garth Brooks but don't want anyone to know" closet and gives B² a sheepish "thumbs up" sign**

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Robin
EMAIL: bumbletrouble@yahoo.com
IP: 208.21.61.190
URL:
DATE: 12/03/2003 09:43:39 AM
This song wins for me. There's a lump in my throat after listening to it and for once in my miserable love life I don't currently have anything sad to cry about. Go figger.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ezrael
EMAIL: ezrael@onebox.com
IP: 4.40.2.119
URL: http://www.onceinoticed iwasonfirei decidedtorelax andenjoythefall.org/merkabah
DATE: 12/03/2003 10:04:34 AM
I only have the song in AAC format, so I can't participate in this idea, but for me the most depressing song ever written is Suicidal Tendencies' "How will I laugh tomorrow when I can't even smile today?"

God damn, that song kicks my ass. There's just something about hearing the band that brought us so many skate punk classics singing about being depressed. It's like imagining Henry Rollings weeping over a dead puppy or something. -

----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ezrael
EMAIL: ezrael@onebox.com
IP: 4.40.2.119
URL: http://www.onceinoticed iwasonfirei decidedtorelax andenjoythefall.org/merkabah
DATE: 12/03/2003 10:05:06 AM
Sorry, that is of course spelled Rollins, not Rollings. I'm tired.
-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rob E.
EMAIL: robe05@sprynet.com
IP: 152.1.24.136
URL: http://home.sprynet.com/~robe05/
DATE: 12/03/2003 01:17:38 PM

I love this contest because I actually know what the most god damn depressing song ever written is. And even if no one else agrees with me, I bet I could win Steven Woodworth over. But you'll have to wait till tonight when I see if I can squeeze the mp3 on to my tiny website. Unless, of course, you already have a copy. You can tell me. I'll never tell...

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jesse
EMAIL: tryturkey@yahoo.com
IP: 64.166.22.199
URL: http://turkeydinner.net
DATE: 12/03/2003 02:53:26 PM

I believe RV by Faith No More is the most depressing ever, check my website.. and B, that picture of suicidal granny is priceless

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: oldtimey
EMAIL: grr@grrgrr.com
IP: 65.243.231.89
URL: http://www.three-rings.com/oldtimey
DATE: 12/03/2003 10:06:10 PM
You ARE going to give a mention to one Mr. Lee Hazlewood, songwriter? I count twelve Most Goddamn Depressing Songs Ever Written on three CDs, and most of his songs ain't on CD yet. ("Requiem for An Almost Lady" has got to be the honorary MGD-CD-EW, with 6 of 10 songs being highly depressing; the other 4 are also sad but in that funny-sad way.) Just say the word and I will provide the mp3s . .

P.S. Watch what you say about that picture of me in my pink bathrobe!

----- COMMENT:
AUTHOR: the grove
EMAIL:
IP: 150.176.245.171
URL:
DATE: 12/04/2003 08:29:46 AM

OK--sorry to trump everybody's depressing song but how 'bout 'The River' or 'The Price You Pay' by Bruce Springsteen?? Actually, there's about 10 Springsteen tunes that just crush (sad-wise) nearly anything in their path..

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/04/2003 02:53:48 PM
What about that Springsteen song about "Lil' Miguel"... that kid who dies when his crystal meth lab blows up. That's pretty depressing.

-----
COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 67.250.176.100
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 12/04/2003 03:18:37 PM
I was thinking about including Springsteen's "Johnny 99," or everything on the Nebraska album for that matter. If I had the bandwidth I'd do a "Most God Damn Depressing Album" list.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jaime
EMAIL: bunnelz@hotmail.com
IP: 68.102.79.137
URL: http://www.toomanypets.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/04/2003 09:52:37 PM
Barbara Streisand - Somewhere.

Absolute. most. depressing. song. ever.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jeff
EMAIL: tambrnman@hotmail.com
IP: 68.67.130.34
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/intersensei
DATE: 12/05/2003 01:40:24 AM
Leonard Cohen - Famous Blue Raincoat

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ari
EMAIL: lugetheband@hotmail.com
IP: 218.101.44.177
URL: http://ari.freeman.org.nz
DATE: 12/05/2003 04:39:13 AM
Angel Eyes sung by Little Jimmy Scott.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Gary
EMAIL: Gary.Tullock@state.tn.us
IP: 170.141.68.1
URL:
DATE: 12/05/2003 12:26:55 PM
He Stopped Loving Her Today- George Jones.

"Kept her letters by his bed/Dated 1952/He had underlined in red/Every single I Love You/ I went to see him just today/Oh, but I didn't see no tears/All dressed up to go away/First time I've seen him smile in years"

"He stopped loving her today/They placed a wreath upon his door/And soon they'll carry him away/He stopped loving her today."

This is sadder than all those "dead momma" songs put together.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: melly
EMAIL: jezemelly@yahoo.com
IP: 24.26.248.8
URL: http://ordinarymorning.net<
br/> DATE: 12/06/2003 12:14:05 PM Weird. I was going to say Leonard Cohen's,"If it be your will".

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jose
EMAIL: brian@redsandphotography.com
IP: 198.76.166.47 URL: http://farbar.blogs.com

DATE: 12/06/2003 10:11:59 PM
Very unknown one, but Matt Ryczek "Goodbye"

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jen
EMAIL: jen@verybigdesign.com
IP: 24.209.12.237
URL: http://www.verybigdesign.com/verybigblog
DATE: 12/07/2003 06:23:46 AM

no.


Red Sovine - Faith In Santa

-----

COMMENT:

AUTHOR: Jen
EMAIL: jen@pixeldecor.com
IP: 24.209.12.237
URL: http://www.verybigdesign.com/verybigblog
DATE: 12/07/2003 07:36:48 AM
Hi again, I went and got the song above. Here you go.
Click Santa for the most depressing Holiday Tune ever!
Right Click to save please!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jen
EMAIL: jen@pixeldecor.com
IP: 24.209.12.237
URL: http://www.verybigdesign.com/verybigblog
DATE: 12/07/2003 07:39:17 AM
Damn it all to hell! (hehehe) HAtml grrr! make jenny mad!

Song is here...
http://www.verybigdesign.com/verybigblog/archives/week_2003_12_07.shtml#001925

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: heather
EMAIL: heatherandjulian@myway.com
IP: 24.55.126.129
URL:
DATE: 12/09/2003 02:56:53 PM
I think I have the winner! The only hard part is narrowing down which Will Oldham (aka Bonnie Prince Billy, Palace, Palace Brothers, Palace Music, etc) could win a most depressing song contest - 50% of what he writes leaves me in tears every time I press play. But my choice for now is:

"Ohio River Boat Song"

When it's time from work to go,
and in my boat I row.
'Cross the muddy Ohio
when the evening light is falling
And I looked towards Floyd's Knobs
where the afterglories flow
And I dream on two bright eyes
with a merry mouth below.
She's my beauteous Catarina,
she's my joy and sorrow too.
Though I know she is untrue,
ah, but I cannot live without her.
For my heart's a boat in tow,
and I'd give the world to know.
If she means to let me go,
as I sing the whole day through.

Catarina your lovely hair,
has more beauty I declare
Than all the tresses there
from Smoketown to Oldham County.
Be they black, red, gold or brown,
let them hang to lenghts below.
They mean not as much to me,
as a melting flake of snow.

And her dance is like the gleam,
of the sunlight on the stream.
And the screeching bluejays seem,
to form her name when screaming.
But my heart is full of woe,
for last night she made me go.
And the tears begin to flow,
as I sing the whole day through.

 

Señor Don Gato es Mas Macho
12/06/2003 11:24:06 PM

And now my friends, permit me to introduce the newest member of the Weirdsmobile family...

Señor Don Gato

I am delighted to have a man of the world such as Señor Don Gato gracing Weirdsmobile with his debonair presence. Some of you have noted the fact that there is a disproportionate number of female bloggers at Weirdsmobile; well, I believe the presence of Señor Gato will more than remedy this gender gap, for he is truly a man among men.

But enough of introductions. I bring you, ladies and gentlemen...Señor Don Gato.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Señor Don Gato
EMAIL: dongato@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 66.84.174.62
URL: http://www.weirdmsobile.com/dongato
DATE: 12/07/2003 07:27:27 AM
M. B² you are not too kind with your words, for they are all true.



May I express my sincerest, deepest, sublimest gratitude and enjoyment for allowing me the pleasaure of joining the wonderfulness that is the Weirdsmobile family.

Señor Don Gato thanks you!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Terry
EMAIL: tgill@cam.org
IP: 199.84.45.125
URL: http://opinionatedm.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/08/2003 10:44:43 PM
Don Gato is a doll. And hilarious.

Oh, btw... his name really means Mr. Cat, right?

 

The Most God Damn Depressing Song Ever, Part Two
12/09/2003 03:01:28 AM



First of all, I want to thank those of you who have offered up your choices for "Most God Damn Depressing Song Ever." Thanks to your downbeat suggestions, I'm now incredibly fucking depressed. But that's good! Like the chick from Garbage, I'm only happy when it rains.

This week I'd like to share with you a very special song. A song that's close to my heart. No, not that Jingle Dogs song. I'm talking about a work of staggering genius, a perfect little gem of despair that's as lovely as it is deadly.

Let me tell you a story, Dear Readers. It may or may not be true; perhaps it is truer in spirit than in detail, though certainly the essence of the narrative is universal. Picture this: a young man taking his first steps onto the stage of romance. A young man in love. But not just any kind of love -- unrequited love, a bittersweet confection indeed. This young man, a sensitive, earnest youth -- poet, dreamer, seeker after Truth -- has fallen for a beautiful young lady. But alas! This maiden is dark, my friends. Dark -- and cruel. She is Estella to his Pip, an exquisite, brittle, ice princess clutching our naïve hero's heart in a frosty grip.

Where shall we place the critical scene? A party, perhaps? It is as good a place as any. So be it: a party. She is there; and so, as night follows day, is he. Pleased as he is to bask within the warmth of her proximity, his joy does not overwhelm his senses; he hangs onto her every word, her smallest gesture, snatching each ripe, fallen fruit and squeezing out every drop of the sweet juice of affection. Scoff if you will, my friends, but passion such as his does not come lightly, nor does it come without a price.

Our hero discovers the cost of love unrequited all too soon, and yet too late. For you see, the young lady's heart lies elsewhere. She is a shallow one, this vixen, and her heart is as insubstantial as a pigeon feather, blown hither and yon by the slightest passing breeze.

Let us not mince words: he spies the wench making out with some drunken idiot on the back porch.

Later, in the wee hours, while driving home drunk in the snow, our hero reflects upon the evening's harsh lessons. That crackling sound -- a fender buckling against a parked car? Or the sound of a young, tender heart breaking in twain? Seeking to drown out the bitter sound, he snaps on the car radio. And a song springs out into the frigid night air...a song that gives cold comfort indeed, my friends. Cold comfort.

The Commodores, "Oh No"

I want you
To want me
I'm goin' crazy
Knowin' he will be your lover tonight
And when he comes,
I'll let you go
I'll just pretend as you walk out the door
Oh no
I can't sleep
Oh no
I'm goin' crazy with love
Over you...

I need you
To need me
I want to hold you
But you're holdin' someone else in your arms
When I close my eyes
I see your face
I'm just not sure
How much my heart can erase
Oh no
I can't think
Oh no
I'm goin' crazy with love
Over you

Oh honey
Oh sugar

Oh no
I can't sleep anymore baby
Oh no
I can't think anymore baby
Oh no
I'm goin' crazy with love
Over you.....

The song is as plainspoken as it is poetic. A lover betrayed? Cuckolded? Or an unhappily platonic friend -- a case of unrequited love? And yet, instead of anger, there is only helpless desire and devotion. Love so powerful, my friends, that it overcomes pride, self-respect, every ounce of self-preservation. All -- including sleep and sanity -- must give way to this all-consuming passion.

Pathetic? Certainly. Which only adds to the cumulative depressing effect of the song. To be reduced to this? A blubbering simp lacking the wherewithal to tell the faithless harlot to get lost...let alone to exact brutal revenge on the scoundrel who's stolen his woman? To be left to cry his sorrow to an empty house while his presumptive lady love is out getting pumped six ways to Sunday by some vulgar Lothario? Alas.

Truly one of the most god damn depressing songs. Ever.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Señor Don Gato
EMAIL: dongato@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 209.242.228.11
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/dongato
DATE: 12/09/2003 07:12:20 AM
Monsieur B², you speak of el primero amor with such frankness, openness, y honestidad! The loves of our youth (and many times, our adulthood, no?) can be troubled and upsetting especialmente the unrequited love. Triste indeed. It is wonderful that we have Los Commodores to help explain to us some of our emociones during these difficult times.

Oh yes, and in el espírito of your holiday title for your journal...Merry fucking Christmas!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL:
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny
DATE: 12/09/2003 07:42:50 AM
I'm feeling man. I'm feeling it.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL: http://www.formyselfandothers.blogspot.com DATE: 12/09/2003 09:50:28 AM

My all time most depressing song is Sarah McLachlan's "I Will Not Forget You" from her "Solace" CD (easily another classic in depression, saved only by the slightly dancable "Drawn to the Rhythm" -- I mean, there's a song called "Into the Fire" that seems to be about self-immolation!)

Woman is in love with what seems to be a mythical creature -- one of those seals who turns human when you take off it's skin, I can't remember the term -- and she's standing at the sea shore where his footprints have gone into the water

"So I ran like the wind to the water
Please don't leave me again I cried
and I threw bitter tears at the ocean
But all that came back was tide

I will, oh I will not forget you
Nor will I ever let you go
I will, oh I will not forget you"

Talk about disfunctional relationships. He keeps DOING this.

Relationships with regular humans are tough enough. Avoid all supernatural beings.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: hannah
EMAIL: hannahw@med.umich.edu
IP: 141.214.129.152
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/misshannah
DATE: 12/09/2003 09:58:46 AM
yes, beware the silkie.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: j-a
EMAIL: jeonga_kim@yahoo.co.uk
IP: 202.71.195.230
URL: http://www.whatarewedoinghere.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/11/2003 02:05:09 AM
i just wonder about that photo - how old were you?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rob E.
EMAIL: robe05@sprynet.com
IP: 152.1.24.136
URL: http://home.sprynet.com/~robe05/weblog/
DATE: 12/11/2003 10:59:00 AM
I don't know. It's a pretty depressing song, especially if you've got a personal connection to it, so while I keep trying to let it pull me down, my mind keeps wandering, "Huh, Lionel Richie, Penny Lover, Say You. I wonder what he's doing now. Dancing on the Ceiling, what was that all about? I can't believe I bought that album. The Commodores..." By the end of the tune, when the Commodores are dredging the Pits of Despair, I've totally lost the thread of the song 'cause I'm singing to myself, "She's a brick...Howse..."

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rob E.
EMAIL: robe05@sprynet.com
IP: 152.1.24.136
URL: http://home.sprynet.com/~robe05/weblog/
DATE: 12/11/2003 11:01:16 AM
Oh, and I don't understand the silkie reference, Hannah. I thought this was a silkie. Kind of goofy looking, but neither terribly dangerous nor mythic as far as I can tell. But maybe that's because I grew up on a farm.

 

What Up?
12/11/2003 12:33:50 PM

That's funny, I seem to recall having once had a "web-site" where I would, like, "post" stuff on something akin to a "regular" basis. But that was before I discovered "scare" quotes! Now I'm too "busy" putting things in quotation marks to write anything of "substance!" Ha! You thought I'd put "quotation marks" in quotations, didn't you? You are so my "punk." I "own" you! And yet, I subsequently did just that, so once again I've made an "ass" out of myself.

Actual posting to resume when I have something actual to say.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: hannah
EMAIL: hannahw@umich.edu
IP: 204.38.4.94
URL:
DATE: 12/11/2003 01:21:31 PM
I heart scare quotes.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: bakiwop
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 66.84.174.182
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 12/11/2003 01:49:04 PM
don't wait until you have something actual to say, just say stuff! and more frequently! or i'll "hire big italian men with no necks to come over and kick your butt" - good use of scare quotes?

 

Santanic Rituals
12/11/2003 12:43:16 PM

By the way, in response to the flood* of inquiries regarding the photo at the top of the page, that is me at the age of about five or six. The elderly gentleman in whose embrace I am caught frozen like a stunned rabbit is a mythical figure who delivers toys to all good little girls and boys. Perhaps in recompense for scaring the shit out of me and forever making me leery of rheumy-eyed, fixedly-staring old men who smell like "p," I did indeed get the requested Evel Knievel Stunt Cycle that Christmas. Which affirmed my belief in Santa's power to read the minds of young children, because I had never actually told the old man that I wanted the Stunt Cycle, because as soon as I got up on the Lap of Power I was struck dumb just like Ralphie in the movie, and mostly just wanted to get the hell out of there. Plus, did I mention he smelled like "p"?

Here's the actual photo:



(* One)

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 216.204.40.5
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com/weblog
DATE: 12/11/2003 02:40:22 PM
Man, I hope that Santa has a designated driver. Look at those glassy eyes....

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: filmgoerjuan
EMAIL: fgjuan@telus.net
IP: 149.99.243.226
URL: http://blog.filmgoerjuan.com/index.php
DATE: 12/11/2003 03:22:07 PM
I think everyone has (and, indeed, should have) a photo of themselves on some drunken Santa's lap. It's almost as if they reject anyone applying for the job who isn't a creepy lush!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ricecracker
EMAIL:
IP: 24.26.176.233
URL: http://ricecracker.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/11/2003 05:20:40 PM
I have a similar picture with the Easter Bunny. Seeing the human eyes behind the dark screen that made up the creature's mouth was the final piece of evidence that I needed to prove that it was actually my parents hiding the eggs.

Side note: You were so cute!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: bakiwop
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 66.84.174.74
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 12/11/2003 05:35:37 PM
huh, well then i get to be the first to say it, "awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...look at that face! so cute!"

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 67.250.82.144
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 12/11/2003 05:42:57 PM
Thanks, amigos. It's nice to hear that instead of what my family usually says, which is "You were such a cute kid...what happened???"

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: j-a
EMAIL: jeonga_kim@yahoo.co.uk
IP: 202.71.195.230
URL: http://www.whatarewedoinghere.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/11/2003 08:11:19 PM
oh my god. that guy is SO on drugs. you can see the WHITES IN HIS EYES. you were a cute kid. which is saying a lot, you know, coz not all kids are cute.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: hannah
EMAIL: hannahw@med.umich.edu
IP: 68.42.112.103
URL:
DATE: 12/11/2003 10:05:40 PM
You're still such a cute kid.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.196.232.15
URL:
DATE: 12/11/2003 11:09:42 PM
pics like that... the reason i eat babies. (this makes up for the retirement of the fez)

xo

-----
COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.203.11.194
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 12/12/2003 05:56:50 PM
Run, little B²! Run! Don't let the scary Santa touch you in your "special place"!

What a cute little boy. =)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Enigma
EMAIL: enigmasconundrum@hotmail.com
IP: 68.81.172.42
URL: http://www.the-enigma.net/blog
DATE: 12/12/2003 10:07:50 PM
wow b, your santa looks higher than any of mine ever did.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 66.173.50.132
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 12/12/2003 11:43:50 PM
You are so cute in that picture. And you look terrified. Maybe you're blocking the part out where you're actually looking at an angry elf in that photo, right after he leans in and whispers, "Don't tell him anything He's a liar!".

That's a pretty ornate throne that Santa is sitting on. An ornate throne of lies.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Suzy
EMAIL: suzy@cestlabombe.com
IP: 69.3.232.148
URL: http://www.cestlabombe.com/weblog
DATE: 12/13/2003 01:06:59 PM
You mean *you're* not a mythical figure?!

 

Say "Ahhhh Shit I Got Captured"
12/14/2003 09:29:30 AM



What I want to know is, did he really think that disguising himself as Walt Whitman would fool anybody? The bold sexual imagery in "A Woman Waits for Me" alone would mark him as an outsider in conservative Iraqi society. But who can explain the workings of a desperate mind?

By the way, if there's any justice in the world, the photo at left shows Saddam being fitted for a 14" steel dildo.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ms Lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.134.83
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 12/14/2003 09:37:57 AM
"Savantism" by Walt "Saddam Hussein" Whitman

THITHER as I look I see each result and glory retracting itself and
running away frenetically, always obligated,
Thither hours, months, years in theis freakin' spider hole - thither trades, compacts,
establishments, even the most minute,
Thither every-day life in the hole, speech, utensils, politics, persons,
estates, but alas, no beard trimmer;
Thither we also, I with my Mack 10s and burly beard, trustful, admirant,
As a father to his father going takes his muthafucking country down along with him.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 68.19.229.163
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 12/14/2003 11:25:46 AM
I just woke up... so this means I found out he was captured from your page. Yes, I get my news from B2.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Tom Working
EMAIL: tworking@aol.com
IP: 172.198.133.84
URL: http://www.fal.net/wm/
DATE: 12/14/2003 11:33:13 AM
By this next summer, this image will make its way to a t-shirt in some fashion or another.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Tom Working
EMAIL: tworking@aol.com
IP: 172.198.133.84
URL: http://www.fal.net/wm/
DATE: 12/14/2003 11:34:34 AM
I predict ultimately, youth in this country will embrace Saddam as some kind of punk icon. This will probably not happen till at least five years from now.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jesse
EMAIL: tryturkey@yahoo.com
IP: 64.166.22.199
URL: http://turkeydinner.net
DATE: 12/14/2003 11:37:49 AM
whoa, Tom, I think I'll start this punk movement now!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: XJ87
EMAIL:
IP: 216.26.4.35
URL:
DATE: 12/14/2003 07:43:31 PM
Could it really be that after all this time, money, and American lives that it is the real Walt Whitman posing as Saddam Hussein?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Tom Working
EMAIL: tworking@aol.com
IP: 172.198.133.84
URL: http://www.fal.net/wm/
DATE: 12/14/2003 08:11:51 PM
No.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: june
EMAIL: junemiller31@hotmail.com
IP: 206.40.41.253
URL: http://louveciennes.diaryland.com
DATE: 12/15/2003 08:58:15 AM
I was getting Unabomber flashbacks, myself.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL:
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 12/16/2003 07:28:50 PM
I dunno. I find his gnarly hairdo and manical beard sexy in a sadistic pig, mass murderer kinda way. Not!

 

Insta-Cliché
12/15/2003 03:02:06 AM



I'd like to assure readers of Dear God Damn Diary that I will not be posting "wacky" Photoshopped pictures of Saddam Hussein, despite the almost irresistable temptation to do so.

 

Brush With Greatness
12/15/2003 08:57:43 PM

Several months ago, I wrote this in my god damn diary:

The best book in the universe is a book of comic strips, entitled "The Bus," by Paul Kirchner. Sometime this week, I am going to post excerpts from this book, in order to demonstrate to you why it is the best book in the universe. It's so good that, because it is out of print, I was willing to track down and purchase a used paperback copy of this $5.95 book for $13.

I'm telling you this now, so that if someone comes up to you between now and when I post the excerpt and says, "Hey, I just found the best book in the universe!" You can shake your head in mock exasperation and reply, "I'm sorry, friend, but I have it on good authority that the best book in the universe is 'The Bus' by Paul Kirchner."

Well, just recently I was contacted from out of nowhere by none other than Paul "Fucking A" Kirchner himself! But that's not all -- he sent me a brand new, autographed copy of The Bus! Is that classy or what? Thank you, Mr. Kirchner. You are a mensch.

And as for you, Dear Readers, you really need to track down your own copies of this awesome book. I never did get around to posting those excerpts (hence Mr. Kirchner sending me a free copy instead of, say, a cease and desist order), but here's a sample:



Pure genius!!

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: curz
EMAIL: capriporn@hotmail.com
IP: 65.148.126.67
URL:
DATE: 12/15/2003 11:01:03 PM
people still look like that today!

and i suspect that the man before the last is his gay lover and he expects him to pay for his fare right?

good stuff.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL:
IP: 67.250.184.156
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 12/16/2003 02:28:44 AM
Um, yeah. Perhaps "The Bus" is not for everyone, curz.

I have to say, this book cracked me the fuck up. I mean, it's just so... quirky. I have no idea how one man can make standing at a bus stop so interesting. It really appeals to my sense of humor.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 199.17.7.124
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 12/17/2003 12:04:23 PM
That was a pretty swell move on Mr. Kirchner's part! Looks like a good book.

 

One More in the Name of Love
12/16/2003 02:19:51 AM

Paul Kirchner. The Bus

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL:
IP: 67.250.184.156
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 12/16/2003 02:24:15 AM
Hee hee. The man is a class act!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 67.250.184.156
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 12/16/2003 05:26:53 AM
His work was so influential. Yet where are the statues? The awards?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: bakiwop
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 209.242.228.11
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 12/16/2003 09:39:27 AM
i must be too used to sunday paper comics, i actually had to think about these and pay attention to the panels - wonderful find, thanks for letting us know about them.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: panajane
EMAIL: panajane@hotmail.com
IP: 200.46.135.156
URL: http://panajane.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/16/2003 07:50:12 PM
I got it after a second or two of deep thought (ok, so it was a minute, it's a small fib, damnit!).

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.199.114.149
URL:
DATE: 12/16/2003 09:25:31 PM
damn bus stalkers.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL:
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny
DATE: 12/16/2003 10:08:23 PM
Funny. I'd always find my ex in the bar when he was late too. But he kept his pimp mobile parked in the parking lot.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: j-a
EMAIL: jeonga_kim@yahoo.co.uk
IP: 202.71.195.230
URL: http://www.whatarewedoinghere.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/16/2003 10:13:51 PM
that is an excellent comic. you should send it to london transport's customer service department so that they can use it to help explain why buses always come in twos and threes (they've been waiting for each other at the bars).

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 199.17.7.124
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 12/17/2003 12:05:27 PM
Bus stalking! Now there's a twist.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: chinh
EMAIL: chinh@chinh.org
IP: 69.22.9.121
URL: http://www.chinh.org
DATE: 12/17/2003 05:23:32 PM
heheh.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/17/2003 10:45:47 PM
On a different note:

I'm not sure where you are, but I'm polishing a thesis proposal, drinking Captain and listening to Christopher Cross.

I'm just saying.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: curz
EMAIL: capriporn@hotmail.com
IP: 67.73.24.148
URL:
DATE: 01/01/2004 02:19:21 AM
fecking lol man. haha.

 

Hey, How's It Going?
12/22/2003 04:04:07 AM

What's up, man? Long time no see! How's it going? What have you been up to, anyway? I'm just doing the same old shit. Can you believe these crowds? It's outta hand. Anyway, listen, I've gotta get going, but I'll e-mail you, okay? It's great to see you again! Take it easy!

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: bakiwop
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 66.84.174.227
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 12/22/2003 05:18:51 AM
i know, i know, don't call you, you'll call me. we'll do lunch sometime?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: stop Rachel before she quotes weezer again
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/22/2003 07:56:46 AM
Hey bra, how ya doin', man? It's been a while, man. Life's so rad! This band's my favorite man, don't ya love 'em? Aw man, you want a beer? Aw man, this is the best. I'm so glad we're all back together and stuff. This is great, man. Hey, did you know about the party after the show? Aw man, it's gonna be the best, I'm so stoked! Take it easy, bra.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Tom Working
EMAIL: tworking@aol.com
IP: 64.162.19.6
URL: http://www.fal.net/wm/
DATE: 12/22/2003 04:23:32 PM
Hey, but don't email me after ten - I go to bed at 9:30.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Joel
EMAIL: joel@joelswift.com
IP: 66.25.5.4
URL: http://www.joelswift.com
DATE: 12/22/2003 10:24:23 PM
Aaah, my 10-year high school reunion all over again.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jeffrey
EMAIL: jeffrey@thestructuralist.com
IP: 69.22.62.218
URL: http://www.thestructuralist.com/weblog
DATE: 12/22/2003 10:38:36 PM
you too.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: panajane
EMAIL: panajane@hotmail.com
IP: 143.166.226.19
URL: http://panajane.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/23/2003 08:41:34 AM
Right now I really, really, really love Rachel.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/23/2003 11:11:16 AM
I really, really love me too, panajane.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Robert Blake
EMAIL:
IP: 4.42.74.162
URL:
DATE: 12/28/2003 07:35:53 PM
Hey ya bastid don't go posting my emails.

 

Christmas With Soupy
12/24/2003 06:38:07 AM





Hey kids! It's your old pal Soupy Sales again, wishing you and yours a helluva Christmas. Or Hanukkah, if that's your thing. Hell, Happy Kwanzaa while we're at it. Who cares, as long as there's egg nog, am I right? That reminds me of the time I was at Frank Sinatra's Christmas party up at Tahoe, must have been '74 or '75, and Buddy Hackett, that goddamn prick, was playing Santa. First off, he shows up two hours late, and need I say that bastard is already half in the bag? I'm not talking about Santa's bag, either, unless the Big Guy keeps a fifth of bourbon in there, you know what I'm sayin'?

So Frank's pissed off from the get go, but that stupid prick Hackett doesn't even notice. The first thing he does is give out toys to Frank's grandkids, except he's so goddamn drunk he almost puts one of the kids' eyes out with a Tonka truck! Boy, you shoulda seen the Chairman...if looks could kill, that big dummy woulda been floating face down in the East River!

But the miserable S.O.B.'s just getting started. Next thing you know, he's yelling at Sammy Davis Jr. to come and tell Santa what he wants for Christmas. Sammy, he's one helluva class act, so he just laughs it off, right? But Hackett won't go for that. He goes and grabs Sammy and drags him right onto his lap! And Sammy's squirming around and screaming at Hackett to let him go, right? But Hackett, that drunken asshole, he's got Sammy in a half-nelson, and the Candy Man ain't goin' nowhere. Hackett's yelling "What do you want for Christmas, little boy?" and finally Sammy says, "I don't celebrate Christmas, you idiot...I'm Jewish!" Without missing a beat, that numbnuts Hackett dumps Sammy off his lap and shouts, "THEN WHADDYA WANT FOR HANUKKAH, YA ONE-EYED YIDDISH MOTHERFUCKER?" Ho-ly shit...the room goes dead silent. You could hear a pin drop, I kid you not. Everybody's looking at Frank to see what he's gonna do.

So Frank, he walks up to Hackett and before Buddy can say a word, Frank lands a haymaker right on the side of that moron's face. Pow! K.O.! Then he hauls Hackett up and kicks his fat ass out of there. The room breaks out into applause. For a year after that, Buddy couldn't get a gig at the Tick Tock Inn. He didn't even dare show his face in Vegas again until '76 when he came into town on a double bill with Charo.

Long story short, ladies and germs, the word to live by this holiday season is moderation. You wanna get drunk off your keyster like that jerkoff Hackett, be my guest, but when you make an ass out of yourself, don't come crying to Uncle Soupy, you know what I'm sayin'? All right. You kids have yourselves a fan-freaking-tastic Christmas. I love ya. Just kidding. Get lost!

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunnt
EMAIL:
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 12/24/2003 07:09:12 AM
Soupy is god! :)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Kat
EMAIL: enigma@the-enigma.net
IP: 68.81.172.42
URL: http://www.the-enigma.net/blog
DATE: 12/24/2003 09:45:16 AM
I've always loved a good Soupy Sales story.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: oldtimey
EMAIL: grr@grrgrr.com
IP: 65.243.230.59
URL: http://www.three-rings.com/oldtimey
DATE: 12/24/2003 10:41:47 AM
Thank you for the presents you got me, Soupy Claus!

But thanks to this story, I got curious and looked up the etymology of the word "keister." M-W.com says it's English slang: keister=satchel, date: 1931. This is fascinating, I tell you.

Harpy Hurlidays to B and all!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/24/2003 01:50:47 PM
I love you, Soupy Sales.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Smivey
EMAIL: smivey@yahoo.com
IP: 64.167.79.99
URL: http://smivey.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/26/2003 09:07:11 PM
I thought Soupy was dead. Where the hell did you go, Soupy? Why did you leave us?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Yeehawmuchbetter
EMAIL:
IP: 4.42.74.162
URL:
DATE: 12/28/2003 07:32:58 PM
...and I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight, "Merry fuckin' Christmas to all and to all a good fuckin' night."

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: MangoMonkeyBoy
EMAIL: heavyheavyjon@yahoo.com
IP: 68.42.205.18
URL: http://mangomonkeymadness.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/29/2003 06:02:32 PM
Soupy's still alive!
He was just on Conan about a year ago. You know who else is still alive?

Grady from "Sanford & Son".



It's true.

I thought Benny Hill was dead for a long time until I finally read that he really did die, so that little bald dude he used to smack upside the head all the time has to be *really* dead by now.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: MangoMonkeyBoy
EMAIL: heavyheavyjon@yahoo.com
IP: 68.42.205.18
URL: http://mangomonkeymadness.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/29/2003 06:06:43 PM
Dammit, I just looked up stuff on Whitman "Grady" Mayo, and apparently that was a re-run of Conan, cuz in 2001 he went up to that Great Googly-Moogly in the Sky. Dammit.

 

Merry Xmas
12/25/2003 06:49:36 AM

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jessica
EMAIL: jessica@peacedividend.com
IP: 66.117.128.123
URL: http://www.peacedividend.com
DATE: 12/25/2003 07:30:29 AM
Santa baby, hurry down the chimney!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ms Lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.130.164
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 12/25/2003 07:56:16 AM
My, you are an attractive bunch.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/25/2003 11:38:51 AM
Merry Christmas to you t- SWEET MOTHER OF GOD, MY EYES!!!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/25/2003 01:02:16 PM
You gotta get me one of those suits.

Merry Christmas!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL: http://www.formyselfandothers.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/25/2003 05:17:29 PM
What's scary is the thought that, once upon a time, those people thought they looked good enough to photograph. I guess this is a real case of looking for "inner beauty".

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: panajane
EMAIL: panajane@hotmail.com
IP: 200.46.132.119
URL: http://panajane.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/25/2003 07:07:03 PM
That chest hair is HOTT, but the lambchops have got to go.

Feliz Navidad, man.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Joel
EMAIL: joel@joelswift.com
IP: 12.109.16.140
URL: http://www.joelswift.com
DATE: 12/26/2003 12:21:26 PM
Maybe it's just a bad computer monitor, but I'm having trouble discerning how many of you are men and/or women. Maybe it's the hair. Seriously, top-middle and bottom-right are freaking me out. On a side note, anybody know how to set a web browser to NOT automatically load images on just this site? Anyone? Please??

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.175.8.122
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 12/26/2003 07:30:02 PM
Whoa. That is too hot. I need a cold shower.

Merry Christmas!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.192.191.213
URL:
DATE: 12/26/2003 07:46:16 PM
um... aren't dickies back in season? (well, they should be)

merry merry my sweet sungmo love. xo

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jima
EMAIL: jima@legnog.com
IP: 66.72.98.239
URL: http://www.empty-handed.com
DATE: 12/26/2003 07:50:25 PM
Okay, so I recognize B², Wendy and Suzette, but I can't tell Keely and Kevin apart. Or wait, is that Senor Don Gato?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: barbness
EMAIL:
IP: 68.123.249.119
URL:
DATE: 12/27/2003 12:02:11 AM
BBBB

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Wendy
EMAIL: wendy@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 172.201.31.181
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/wendy
DATE: 12/28/2003 11:29:06 PM

Wow, we are so freakin' photogenic! But man, do I need to do something about that chest hair. Maybe next year I'll braid festive sprigs of holly into it.

 

Crappy Birthday: #35 in a Series
12/31/2003 02:00:44 PM



I'm having a perfectly "feh" birthday today, thank you. Why is it so "feh"? Well, first of all, when your birthday falls on a major holiday, you're assured of two things: one, you will have one of the most easily-remembered birth dates ever; and two, no one will actually remember it, because it will always be overshadowed by the holiday. Maybe not so much if it falls on, say, Arbor Day, but if it's something like New Year's Eve, forget it.

Which brings me to two reasons why having a birthday on December 31st sucks. First, your birthday is, like, the ass end of the year. You know that traditional image of the New Year as this rosy-cheeked baby, and the Old Year as a decrepit old hunchbacked fart? That's me, Mr. Old Year. Mr. Depends 2003. I was born on the day where people get drunk off their asses trying to forget the previous 364 days. Speaking of getting drunk: the second reason having a New Year's Eve birthday sucks is that, in a bitterly ironic twist, everyone on the fucking planet is having a party today, but none of it is for you. I've never had a party on my birthday, because it's too depressing -- it ends up being a "New Year's/Birthday" party, which is like inviting the most popular kid in school to your birthday party because otherwise no one would come.

And, oh yeah, I almost forgot the main reason why this birthday sucks: I'M THIRTY-FIVE GOD DAMN YEARS OLD!!! I know "Life Begins at 40/50/Whatever," but let's face it, that's total malarkey. See, I just used the word "malarkey." Who uses that word anymore? Answer: OLD TIMERS. Life begins at 40? More like "The Sad, Bitter Denoument of Your Life Begins at 40." Or should I say, 35. Because that's really the critical year. If 40 is the slope, 35 is the summit. After that, you can't even pretend to cling to the last tattered vestiges of your youth without eliciting muffled titters amongst the 20-something whippersnappers. (Incidentally, is there a phrase more guaranteed to elicit muffled titters than "muffled titters"?)

See, much as 25 is, for many people at least, a milestone year, which usually brings on an extended period of introspection and gradual realization that adolescence is over and adulthood has officially kicked into gear, 35 marks the point where you realize that the best years of your life are over, and everything after that is an increasingly pathetic attempt to convince yourself and others that the best years of your life are not, in fact, over. This is a gradual process that builds and builds until it culminates in the famous Mid-Life Crisis. Sometime after that you either succumb to the inevitability of your decay and death, or you turn into one of those old people who take up line dancing.

I'm not gonna do that. I intend to age gracefully. As soon as I hit 55, I'm hanging up the blue jeans and buying myself a pair of stretch slacks. In fact, why wait? I think I'll head over to J.C. Penny's tonight and pick myself up a pair, along with a sixer of Ensure. Can you tell I'm really feeling sorry for myself today?

In any case, I prefer a low-key birthday. I don't believe in making a big deal about it, rambling weblog entries aside. I think you have to be a bit of a narcissist to enjoy your birthday without any reservation whatsoever. If you're the type of person who loves attention, birthdays are great, because you feel no compunction about making it all about YOU. It's not so great, though, if you have a low self-worth, because then you're torn: on some level you do want the attention, but you don't feel like you actually deserve it, and on top of that, if anyone does go out of their way for you, you figure they're just doing it out of obligation. So you tell people not to do anything for you, and if they don't, your worst fears of your own irrelevance are confirmed, and if they do, you feel guilty for putting them out. It's just one big psychodrama. So, if people forget your birthday, they shouldn't feel bad, because in some ways it's no worse than if they remembered it.

Bottom line, I'll be super duper glad to finally get to 2004.

UPDATE: Sandra just brought home some plum sake and a bottle of "Fat Bastard" (???) Chardonnay. Crappy Birthday now 50% less crappy.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 68.218.140.132
URL: http://xkot.net
DATE: 12/31/2003 03:02:01 PM
Happy birthday :)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Suzette
EMAIL: suzettetraveler@yahoo.com
IP: 24.228.78.8
URL:
DATE: 12/31/2003 04:12:11 PM
Actually, you are in that magical 30-day golden period that surrounds the actual birthday itself. Now is the time to take advantage of all the good fortune waiting to land on you: go buy a lottery ticket; answer a personal ad; start a creative hobby; adopt a dog. Whatever you do during this time is bound to turn out very well for you. Happy Birthday.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: ricecracker
EMAIL:
IP: 24.26.176.233
URL: http://ricecracker.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/31/2003 07:16:10 PM
Oh, you're born in the year of the goat too. Happy birthday :)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jen
EMAIL: jen@verybigdesign.com
IP: 69.133.59.104
URL: http://www.verybigdesign.com/verybigblog
DATE: 12/31/2003 08:46:07 PM
one upside of the day as a bday... you know if someone mentions a date you can withouth thinking go " I was 21 then".

Not much comfort I know, but then I was born the EXACT day *and* time of the manson murders (august 9, 1969), the day falls in between japan nuking anniversaries (nagasaki is Aug 8) - both of those make you moddy about birthday time when the news comes on, and to top it all off - I go camping every year with all my friends that week and being it's a an event of 12,000 people in party mode no one ever remembers it's my birthday, including my hubby, to the point even *I* celebrate it after I get back, sometimes. I essentially have NO birthday.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 67.250.82.76
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 12/31/2003 08:51:05 PM
Yeah, on the plus side, I'm not one of those poor bastards who was born on September 11th. Now that has to suck.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: melly
EMAIL: jezemelly@yahoo.com
IP: 24.26.248.8
URL: http://ordinarymorning.net
DATE: 12/31/2003 08:51:09 PM
You freak out about your birthday like I do Valentine's Day. I keep thinking, every year, maybe this is the one, maybe this is the year that I will finally have a date. Then again, maybe this is the year that I'll kill myself.

Happy Birthday!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Smivey
EMAIL: smivey@yahoo.com
IP: 64.167.79.99
URL: http://smivey.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/31/2003 10:37:21 PM
A guy I work with was born on September 11. Yeah, it sucks. Anyhow, happy b-day, B. I had no idea you were so damn old. Of course, I'm going to be turning 37 early next year, so I can't exactly feel sorry for you. But happy New Year anyway. Thanks for entertaining me and inspiring me (he wipes a tear from his cheek).

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ms Lauren
EMAIL: web@feministe.us
IP: 128.211.128.139
URL: http://feministe.us/blog/
DATE: 12/31/2003 11:23:48 PM
When you're old, I'll start calling you "the cantankerous guy from Weirdsmobile." You're not there yet.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Wendy
EMAIL: wendy@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 63.190.9.203
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/wendy
DATE: 12/31/2003 11:50:38 PM
Hey, I've seen that "Fat Bastard" wine before! I was intrigued.

About your birthday, I feel your pain. Having been born the same day as Dustin Diamond (Screech of Saved By The Bell) and Katie Couric, I have always felt overshadowed by the momentous holiday that it is. Okay, for serious, it does suck.

Some year I'll come to a party for you and I promise not to do any countdowns during it. New Year's Eve isn't really all that exciting, but your birthday is. Happy Birthday fellow Capricorn!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL: http://www.formyselfandothers.blogspot.com
DATE: 01/01/2004 08:05:25 AM
My husband is one of the unfortunates born on September 11. However, in the passage of time, that date will lose some of it's evil resonance and will become just like December 7th and August 6th and November 22nd and January 26th...

35, actually, was one of my best ages. I was 35 for 3 years,actually, because I sort of skipped 34 and then held on through 36. After that, people stopped (finally) asking how old I was.

I so heartily and totally and completely disagree with your entire outlook on 35 -- and one's 30's entirely -- that it won't even do me any good to attempt to explain except to say, as I look at 39 and gasp with unbelief, I know that I would go through my 30's again, but for no reason whatsoever would I repeat ANYTHING younger...Being young is an excuse for doing ultimately stupid things, but it's also the primary reason. There is definate pleasure in having made mistakes in one's youth and now being able to think "Nope, stuck my hand in that fire, don't need to do it again."

Happy Birthday anyway, B. No matter what, I'm glad you were born.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL: http://www.formyselfandothers.blogspot.com
DATE: 01/01/2004 08:06:09 AM
My husband is one of the unfortunates born on September 11. However, in the passage of time, that date will lose some of it's evil resonance and will become just like December 7th and August 6th and November 22nd and January 26th...

35, actually, was one of my best ages. I was 35 for 3 years,actually, because I sort of skipped 34 and then held on through 36. After that, people stopped (finally) asking how old I was.

I so heartily and totally and completely disagree with your entire outlook on 35 -- and one's 30's entirely -- that it won't even do me any good to attempt to explain except to say, as I look at 39 and gasp with unbelief, I know that I would go through my 30's again, but for no reason whatsoever would I repeat ANYTHING younger...Being young is an excuse for doing ultimately stupid things, but it's also the primary reason. There is definate pleasure in having made mistakes in one's youth and now being able to think "Nope, stuck my hand in that fire, don't need to do it again."

Happy Birthday anyway, B. No matter what, I'm glad you were born.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL: http://www.formyselfandothers.blogspot.com
DATE: 01/01/2004 08:06:41 AM
ah, damn, I thought it might doing something like that...stupid....

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 01/01/2004 09:02:18 AM
I was born on January 26th, which is also the birthday of such famous celebrities as:



Wayne Gretzky
Ellen DeGeneres
Eddie Van Halen
Paul Newman
A lunch lady in my junior high school cafeteria

Anyway, happy belated birthday, B. Keep rockin'.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Ed
EMAIL: ed@edrants.com
IP: 64.81.55.66
URL: http://www.edrants.com
DATE: 01/01/2004 01:16:21 PM
B: Happy birthday, man. Actually, I know exactly what you mean, since my sister's birthday is the same day. But here's the thing: so long as you voice the clear dichotomy of Xmas and Birthday to kith and kin in advance, you'll be all right. Doesn't have to be a pain, no sir. In fact, my sister's this year was pretty damn dandy.

As for the 35 claptrap, bullshit bullshit bullshit. Do you know that Luis Bunuel made his best movies in his 70s? In his septuagenarian years, Bunuel suddenly becomes this perverted, surrealistic, and drop dead funny filmmaker. Not that it wasn't there to begin with. It would be one thing if he made only "The Discreet Charm of the Bourgeoisie." That alone would qualify the man. But the fact of the matter is that he was turning out a film a year: one great film after another.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jessica
EMAIL: jessica@peacedividend.com
IP: 66.117.128.123
URL: http://www.peacedividend.com
DATE: 01/01/2004 01:55:35 PM
Right the hell on: someone who's older than me, and admits it! Woohoo, we are so on the road to cantankerous. I'll meet you there with a nice Boodles martini (very little sugar involved. practially medicinal. I swear.)

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL:
IP: 67.250.176.31
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 01/01/2004 02:08:02 PM
How about the carrot cake and sugar-free Black Cherry soda mix? Ooh, and the nice flannel boxers? I'd say that's worth another 25%, at least. :P

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Barbness
EMAIL: fakesocks@sbcglobal.net
IP: 68.123.251.207
URL:
DATE: 01/01/2004 10:06:10 PM
tis my mutha's b-day too. my sister called, i didn't not speak to her for i was pissed.

happy b-day. i forgot what day it was.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.117.192.66
URL: http://theshakedown.diaryland.com
DATE: 01/02/2004 08:04:18 AM
Happy (late) birthday B!!!!!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rengirl
EMAIL: imac@pixelsensei.com
IP: 12.22.65.5
URL:
DATE: 01/02/2004 10:18:05 AM
Happy Birthday B². Maybe a bag of Circus Peanuts will make everything better?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 24.13.112.142
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 01/04/2004 02:32:45 PM
Hey, I was born on January 1st. I guess I'm the "rosy-cheeked baby," although I empathize more with the cranky old man.

Usually, my birthday is a low key event with about the right amount of attention: It's not forgotten, yet it's not an embarrassingly big deal.

I could see why women might see an age like 35 as the beginning of the end because of the unfair extent to which youthful looks determine their social esteem.

But for men, the apex of power is generally depicted as somewhere around 40-50. That's when masters of their respective crafts shine. I always pictured that age range as time in which one becomes a Master of Whatever They're Into.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL:
IP: 209.246.244.1
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 01/06/2004 01:49:48 PM
Okay I officially suck. I'm off-line for a week and you have a birthday! Happy belated birthday you young whippersnapper you! :) Looking back at my early 20's, I had no disposible income, was constantly fighting with my mom, I was a self-centered, clueless twit obessed with staying thin and keeping my latest boyfriend, suicidal. Mid 20's, started grabbing clues and actually getting them, married a self-centered alkie, job becomes career, new mortgage, still no disposible income. Early thirties, some disposible income, baby on the way, grabbing even more clues, realization that hubby is a rat bastard, for the first time in my life my breast become 38D's (wooohooo!). Mid+ 30's, divorced the rat bastard, own very own home, career on upward trend, loving and wonderful son, independent, disposible income, breasts still perky. I guess my point of all that is that I'm happier now that I was in my 20's. And pretty much, if I could go back in time, I'd only go as far back as my early 30's, and that's only because I enjoyed being pregnant and the whole new baby thing. Anyways, here's to a wonderful 2004 for you! :)

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Serenity
EMAIL: serenity@serenitysjournal.com
IP: 216.148.246.134
URL: http://www.serenitysjournal.com
DATE: 01/07/2004 09:40:35 PM
Happy belated Birthday and thank you for giving me something to look forward to in 8 months.

That's when I'll be 35. I only hope to slam down to earth in spectacular flames in even a fraction of the glory you just did.

 

Top Ten Numbers of 2003
12/31/2003 10:05:42 PM

10. 10

9. 9

8. 8

7. 7

6. 6

5. 5

4. 4

3. 3

2. 2

...and the #1 number of 2003:

1. 1

Thanks to the boys at Weirdsmobile Labs for their invaluable assistance in compiling this list.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Smivey
EMAIL: smivey@yahoo.com
IP: 64.167.79.99
URL: http://smivey.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/31/2003 10:27:25 PM
Brilliant, B. Just brilliant. And I am being totally sincere.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: filmgoerjuan
EMAIL: fgjuan@telus.net
IP: 206.116.61.25
URL: http://blog.filmgoerjuan.com/index.php
DATE: 01/01/2004 02:24:54 PM
What the hell? I smell a fix!

And how did Clay Aikens not make that list? TOTAL FIX!

 

Happy God Damn 2004
12/31/2003 11:19:53 PM

I wanted to come up with some kind of 2003 wrapup entry, but you know what? I have nothing whatsoever to say about this year, except maybe "unremitting suckfest." The sooner I forget all about 2003 the better, and with the help of the heapin' helpin' of bovine spongiform encephalopathy I no doubt contracted from all the hot dogs I ate this year, the forgetting may come all too quickly.

One of the good things that happened this year was finally getting Weirdsmobile off the ground, and getting back into the blogging thing. Which led to something even better, which was connecting with some truly groovy people, and getting to know some other groovy people I have somehow known for years without ever actually talking to. You kids know who you are...thanks for keeping me sane even if you had no idea you were doing so.

Thanks also to everyone who visits this site for God knows what reason...I love ya...and I mean that in an insincere showbiz way, true (hence the "ya"), but wouldn't it be kind of creepy otherwise?

And now, while I go crack open that bottle of plum sake...in no particular order, my ten (or so) favorite God Damn entries of 2003:

Capitalism Comix

The Dread Spectre of Insomnia Has Not Loosened Its Nerve-Fraying Grip On My Psyche

AMAZING-ly Bad Science Fiction: #1...#2

Ambien Stories

Virtual B² Entre Los Norteamericanos: Virtually Working...A Virtual Date With Virtual B²

How to Debone Trout

If Dickens Had a Computer

Mr. Clean Peanut Comix

Bad Erotica: #1...#2

Tedious Introspection Comix: #1...#2...#3...#4

The Nurturing Spider-Man: #3...#4 -----

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Barbness
EMAIL:
IP: 68.123.251.207
URL:
DATE: 01/01/2004 10:04:37 PM
mwhAHhhaha....

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BeerMary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 207.14.214.200
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 01/03/2004 03:37:12 PM
I think your comics and the virtual date with Virtual B2 are my favorite entries as well.