Mr. Gorbachev, Tear Down This Wall!

A Day | 10.18.04 | 02:05:03 PM

After Hours is no longer password protected. To make a long story short, I realized recently that part of the reason I've been posting so sporadically here is that my reasons for starting up After Hours in the first place are no longer very compelling reasons for me. I started this weblog during a time when I was retreating from the world and wanted a safe place in which to talk about things I didn't feel like I could talk about in a public forum. Lately, though, I've felt less like retreating and more like engaging the world, and that means being more open and not closing off parts of my life.

The question then is, why don't I just close After Hours altogether and post exclusively on my main weblog? I was going to do just that, but I dunno, maybe it's part of my whole compartmentalizing thing, but I just think of my main weblog a certain way, and it's just too weird to post the kinds of things there that I normally post here. I couldn't tell you what the difference is, but to me, there is one. Call me crazy. No, go ahead. I dare you! Bring it on, punk!

Anyway, that's where things are at. If this also turns out to be a lame ass idea, I'll just shut it down and that'll be that, eh? Eh?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: filmgoerjuan
EMAIL: fgjuan@telus.net
IP: 154.20.229.115
URL: http://blog.filmgoerjuan.com
DATE: 10/19/2004 11:44:31 PM
So that's what this password protected thing was.

Well I look forward to learning all about the darker side of B.

And btw, the RSS fairy wants to remind you "Enable RSS feeds for all your blogs". Don't look at me, I just pass on this stuff for her.

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Meniere's Have Heard the Glory of the Coming of Chronic Tinnitus, Vertigo & Hearing Loss

A Day | 10.19.04 | 02:21:38 AM

So, a couple of weeks ago I went in to the ear clinic to have a battery of tests done on my left ear. Kind of funny, but I told the doctor I've had problems with my ear since around March of this year, but looking back over my archives I saw an entry about ear trouble from last October! I should really just turn this weblog into a diary of my medical ailments.

Long story short, the doctor's tentative diagnosis is Meniere's Disease, which I had figured to be one of the possibilities since I seemed to have pretty much all of the symptoms, but was hoping wouldn't be the problem since Meniere's has that pesky drawback of being incurable and debilitating.

By the way, what's with the creepy ass doctor on that Meniere's page?

Anyway, as far as incurable degenerative diseases go, I guess Meniere's is far from the worst, so there's that. (Although it's not like I can't still get those other, worse diseases, so there's that.) The thing that scares me is reading about all the people with this condition who have had to go on permanent disability because they can't hold a job. I guess employers take a dim view of workers who are periodically and randomly rendered incapable of working. It's a good thing that being an airline pilot isn't one of my lifelong dreams.

The Meniere's diagnosis isn't final, so there's some hope, although at this point I'm not sure what else it could be, since practically everything else has been ruled out. I have a followup appointment with the ENT (who is very nice and not at all scary like the above guy) in the morning, and more testing.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jen
EMAIL: jen@verybigdesign.com
IP: 24.209.11.211
URL: http://www.verybigdesign.com/verybigblog
DATE: 10/19/2004 06:29:29 AM
your ears problems and mine have beeen circling each other for while!

I don't have Meniere's but they think I have a VERY VERY similar AIED (Autoimmune Inner Ear Disease) which is almost t he same thing.

You might want to look up Gina at http://www.atypicalfemale.com she has meniere's as well, she is largely housebound, and workingo out of the house, due to her dizziness. So be careful, dude.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: jennifer and the beans
EMAIL: beanmom@beanmom.com
IP: 69.141.20.124
URL: http://www.kjsl.com/~beanmom/beandiary.html
DATE: 10/19/2004 09:58:38 AM
And then on the other hand there's my stepfather, who has Meniere's but is an incredibly healthy and active almost-60-year-old carpenter who just very occasionally gets the vertigo thing (which will put him on his back for a day or two, like the flu) but other than that has no problems with it at all... Stay healthy and take care of yourself, B!!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 63.167.178.72
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net/
DATE: 10/19/2004 11:23:41 AM
I wonder how a water pill (one of the treatments on the page) could help you, as opposed to just drinking the water directly. I guess more of it gets directly to your stomach?

Well, hopefully the ENT just gives you a handful of water pills to fight off debilitation tomorrow and just sends you on your way.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.139.74.254
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 10/19/2004 11:01:27 PM
I hope there was never any doubt that I would be interested in the results of your doctor's visits.

I'm sorry to hear about the Meniere's. That vertigo thing sounds like good times. Ugh. Hope it's not that.

P.S. Is the old guy the doctor or is the kid? My guess is the kid. He's the one wearing the medical examination instruments. Either that or he has a pizza cutter strapped to his head.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: The Raz
EMAIL: kevinrazban@cox.net
IP: 68.5.116.38
URL:
DATE: 10/22/2004 12:53:14 AM
Isn't that what Captain Picard had in "All Good Things," the series finale of TNG?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 66.188.93.14
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 10/22/2004 08:05:12 AM
Dude, that was Irumodic Syndrome.

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Loved Ones Recall Local Man's Cowardly Battle With Meniere's Disease

A Day | 10.20.04 | 02:12:02 AM

First of all, please note the brand spankin' recycled RSS feed link over on the right. Are we square, Juan? I said, are we square?

The subject line of this entry is an homage (hommage?) to the goode olde Onion article about the guy dying of cancer who was all bitter and angry about it. Hilarious! But, you know, dark and sad. Snrk.

I had my ear appointment today. It was a "good" day to have it, since the tinnitus was particularly lively and my hearing is even crappier than usual. So, I guess this is the kind of fluctuation they're looking for, so the doc now says she's "99% certain" that I do in fact have Meniere's.

On the plus side, I scored some major drugs. Lorazepam for all my friends!

I'm bummed about the whole "incurable, half-assed treatable" thing, but you know what? Christopher Reeve. Yeah. So I'll shut up about it now.

On the plus-er side, Miss Hannah surprised me with a big ol' box of delectables flown in from Zingerman's deli over in Ann Arbor. If you've never been there...Zingerman's is to delis what Tiffany's is to jewelry stores. It's an amazing place. You know a place is good when they sell freaking $12 sandwiches yet the place is almost always packed. Their corned beef is my lov-ah. It's the best corned beef I've ever had, ever. I didn't actually think it was possible for corned beef to be this good.

She sent me corned beef!

Also, some cream cheese, which sounds unremarkable unless you've ever had Zingerman's cream cheese, which is made fresh using traditional techniques with no artificial additives or preservatives, and is totally unlike any store-bought cream cheese.

I don't usually rave about food like this, but this stuff is truly special. I actually teared up a little when I tasted the corned beef, it was so good. Damn!

Miss Hannah is a good woman.

So, the day had its ups and downs. Luckily, the ups came after the downs.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvlicious1@yahoo.com
IP: 64.161.177.121
URL: http://dvl.buzznet.com
DATE: 10/20/2004 02:32:05 AM
hang tough b...

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susanpatton@spamcop.net
IP: 66.188.153.238
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/tundrababe/
DATE: 10/23/2004 03:42:29 PM
I created a LiveJournal feed for this site, hope you don't mind! (figured that's what the feed's there for)

http://www.livejournal.com/users/afterhoursfeed/

----- COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susanpatton@spamcop.net
IP: 66.188.153.238
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/tundrababe/
DATE: 10/23/2004 03:45:44 PM
Also, sorry to hear about the diagnosis. :-( And the corned beef, but if you like it then I guess that's all that matters. ;-)

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For Your Slacking Convenience

A Day | 10.21.04 | 03:26:01 AM

As with my main weblog, there's now a work-safe version of the After Hours main page, for those of you in, shall we say, restrictive work environments. Check it out, and bookmark it if you think it might come in handy.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rengirl
EMAIL: imac@pixelsensei.com
IP: 12.22.65.5
URL:
DATE: 10/21/2004 02:25:09 PM
Very, very nice! I guess my boss will have to save firing me for another day - ha!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.143.132.159
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 10/24/2004 11:24:41 AM
Genius.

My Pitiful Discontent

A Day | 10.25.04 | 11:29:36 PM

I was reminded of this song tonight during a political (what else?) discussion. It's probably one of the angriest songs Elvis Costello ever wrote, which is really saying something. What strikes me about it is how much what he says about England under Margaret Thatcher applies to the U.S. today under Bush. When I first heard the song, I didn't know much about the U.K. under Thatcher. I think I have a little better idea now.

Elvis Costello, "Tramp The Dirt Down" from Spike (1989) I saw a newspaper picture From the political campaign A woman was kissing a child, Who was obviously in pain She spills with compassion, As that young child's face in her hands she grips Can you imagine all that greed And avarice coming down On that child's lips? Well I hope I don't die too soon I pray the Lord my soul to save Yes I'll be a good boy, I'm trying so hard to behave Because there's one thing I know I'd like to live long enough to savor That's when they finally put you in the ground I'll stand on your grave And tramp the dirt down When England was the whore of the world Margaret was her madam And the future looked as bright and as clear As the black tarmacadam Well I hope that she sleeps well at night, Isn't haunted by every tiny detail When she held that lovely face in her hands All she thought of was betrayal And now the cynical ones Say that it all ends the same in the long run Try telling that to the desperate father Who just squeezed the life from his only son And how it's only voices in your head And dreams you never dreamt Try telling him the subtle difference Between justice and contempt Try telling me she isn't angry With this pitiful discontent When they flaunt it in your face As you line up for punishment And then expect you to say "Thank you" Straighten up, look proud and pleased Because you've only got the symptoms, You haven't got the whole disease Just like a schoolboy, whose head's like a tin-can Filled up with dreams then poured down the drain Try telling that to the boys on both sides, Being blown to bits or beaten and maimed Who takes all the glory and none of the shame? Well I hope you live long now, I pray the Lord your soul to keep I think I'll be going before We fold our arms and start to weep I never thought for a moment That human life could be so cheap But when they finally put you in the ground They'll stand there laughing And tramp the dirt down

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 24.12.9.132
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 10/26/2004 03:45:20 AM
That's pretty vicious.

'And now the cynical ones
Say that it all ends the same in the long run'

I think I hate these "Oh, the lost lives are insignificant - history will vindicate Bush," shitheads almost as much as El Presidente.

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We Had It Once, We Ain't Got It Anymore

A Day | 10.26.04 | 11:25:48 AM

The Smithereens, Downbound Train

I wish I could find whatever it is that I lost that used to help me rise above all the crap.

Failing that, I wish I could channel whatever it is that I have now into something meaningful.

I bury myself alive on Tuesdays!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 63.167.178.72
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net/
DATE: 10/26/2004 04:18:15 PM
Hrm. Maybe you could volunteer for Kerry? Your state is a battleground!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 66.188.93.14
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 10/26/2004 05:13:57 PM
I'm thinking about signing up to be a ward captain on election day...trouble is, I have no idea what a ward captain is!

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Serenity Now

A Day | 10.27.04 | 04:06:34 AM

You know that feeling, right after you've passed a really huge log, but then you wonder if it'll back up the toilet?

No?

Okay, just checking.

I don't know if anyone will actually read that massive political rant I posted on Trout Fishing, but it was really more about getting it off my chest (or, to be more consistent with my scat-a-phors, out of my colon) than evangelizing. My anger towards the Bush Administration and the current political situation has been like a big cork stopping up all of my disappointment with humanity and disgust at our stupidity and all of my other uncharitable, un-Christian feelings. I need to get beyond all of that and back to the things that motivate and energize me instead of just making me feel embittered.

Something I realized recently is that what I'm feeling right now is like a slow-motion, subdued reprise of what I felt after 9/11. For a while after that, I couldn't laugh at anything, and even when I could, it was a muted, stilted kind of laughter. It would be like, "Damn, South Park is funny...but wait, 3,000 people just died." I feel like that all the time lately. Every time I see something that makes me laugh, or I think of something funny I want to put on my site, I think, "four more years of Dubya," or "they lost HOW many tons of plastic explosives?" and the funny just evaporates.

At some point, the political process went from a circus to a war, and as we all know from watching Saving Private Ryan, any quarter given the enemy equals another of our own forces lost. I feel like I'm living in a sanitized, Disneyland version of a bombed-out French village.

That's why, on a purely selfish, personal level, I need John Kerry to win. Because if I have to deal with another four years of Bush, I'm going to fucking explode. I need some peace of mind. Bad.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susanpatton@spamcop.net
IP: 66.188.146.124
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/tundrababe/
DATE: 10/30/2004 07:20:09 AM
If you would have told me 4 years ago that all this shit was going to go down, I wouldn't have believed it - not in a million years!

Hopefully, like the flowery analogy at the beginning of this post, the shit will stop going down and Kerry will win so we can sleep at night.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: The Raz
EMAIL: KevinRazban@cox.net
IP: 68.5.116.38
URL:
DATE: 10/30/2004 12:27:44 PM
I honestly have that same restless, unsettled feeling about the current state of things. Someone suggested to me to channel my feelings into something more productive,like volunteering for a campaign. But just yesterday, I spoke to someone who had done just that: she couldn't sleep at night, felt pissed off about politics, so she volunteered. And you know what? It made her feel worse!! She had to deal with people vandalizing and removing "Kerry/Edwards" posters and placards she'd put up at intersections, getting hung up on and called a traitor by people whom she cold-called to remind them to vote, and yelled at by drivers telling her she was wasting her time. Bottom line is, I hope we all feel better by Tuesay.

Deep Dark Truthful Mirror

A Day | 10.30.04 | 04:11:59 AM

Elvis Costello, Deep Dark Triuthful Mirror

Some good words from Sherri:

I see this as a giant exercise in getting away from the overwhelming burden of fearing to be wrong. I see B's actions as a huge and difficult step toward accepting that his beliefs are just that -- beliefs -- and that being angry at those who disagree is useless. They, too, labor under the crushing weight that They Might Be Wrong, and that fear directs much of what they do. Fear is a foundation emotion, creating hatred and anger and jealousy and resentment.

Walt Kelly said: "We have met the enemy, and he is us."

I've been in an odd frame of mind regarding Dubya since a conversation I had with Hannah where we were speculating about Bush's state of mind and exactly what his problem is.

One thing that came up was how part of the problem with Bush is that he appears to be constitutionally incapable (terrified) of admitting that he is wrong about anything.

Hmm.

Also, that Bush values loyalty above all other qualities, and practically demands that everyone in his inner circle agree with his views, and takes disagreement as a form of betrayal.

Hmm.

In an instant of utter clarity, it dawned upon me that the problems that I see as Bush's biggest liabilities as a leader are also my central issues. The irony of someone who once argued for eight straight hours over the definition of "effective" in assessing the Reagan Administration tearing down the Prez for not being able to admit being wrong...was not lost on me.

Neither was the irony of criticizing Bush for surrounding himself with yes-men, when I've cut people out of my inner circle of friends in a fit of pique because they didn't share my loathing of some Enemy of B.

The reason these ironies shook me is that I have always believed, and have seen it to be true 100% of the time, that the people we hate most and with the most unreasoning fury are those who remind us of what we hate in ourselves. We project our self-disgust onto those around us who appear to mirror our most contemptible attributes.

In other words, I hate George W. Bush because, on some level, I suspect I am George W. Bush. Or more accurately, I project an image onto him that is generated as much from my own need to give form to my self-hatred as it is from reality. In a way, he is the perfect villain for my internal drama.

Can I really separate myself completely from someone who has had everything in life handed to him, who lives in the shadow of his parents, who has failed at every enterprise he has ventured? Don't I sometimes -- often -- accuse myself of those exact same things? As an Americanized immigrant, do I see something of myself in a man who comes from Maine but cloaks himself as a Texan?

If this sounds like I'm engaging in masochistic self-flagellation, I'm not. Honest. It's just something that really disturbed me, to think that I hate this man because in some ways he reminds me of myself, and that the more hatred I direct at him, the more I'm directing at myself.

"If there are self-made purgatories, then we all have to live in them." -- Spock

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susanpatton@spamcop.net
IP: 66.188.146.124
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/tundrababe/
DATE: 10/30/2004 07:26:27 AM
The song link isn't working for me. :-(

That's a really interesting (and frightening!) way to look at Bush. I admit that sometimes I watch him blathering like an idiot on tv and I think, jeez...I blather like an idiot quite a bit too. True, I'm not the president, but it does make me feel a bit of self-loathing. His high level of denial and the way he lives in his own little world is also something I do sometimes.

Really though, my hatred for Bush comes from him not being the man that he is (I'm sure that he'd be a nice enough guy to have some drinks with), it's what he and his administration are doing to this country. And that is something I completely cannot relate to or identify with.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: The Raz
EMAIL: KevinRazban@cox.net
IP: 68.5.116.38
URL:
DATE: 10/30/2004 12:22:06 PM
So does this mean I hate Bush because he reminds me too much of Bryan? Sorry, I couldn't resist. I dunno, man, I never saw you nearly as closed minded as Prez...you're also better read....and better-traveled (Prez's first visit ever to Europe was when he was Prez)...you earned your ability to attend college based on grades and SAT scores...you realize that self-improvement and enlightenment is a journey and not some self-righteous platform on which you base your decisions....

.... but as a favor to us, don't run for office okay? :-)

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Leslie
EMAIL: thynk2much@yahoo.com
IP: 81.31.96.56
URL:
DATE: 11/01/2004 05:39:14 AM

B, this is fascinating. I'm all into that Jungian shit. I think there really is deep truth in this idea about projection and self-hatred. I think it's worthwhile to mull this over any time that you feel an overwhelming hatred directed at a particular individual (although frankly, it's so hard! and I never like what I see in myself when I do it!). That bit you wrote about Bush being sheltered, a "silver spoon" guy - ouch, close to home. Referring to Susan's comment above: I feel anger and resentment and a need for change when it comes to the policies of Bush and his administration.... but that is actually separable from the hatred I feel for Bush. I think what provokes my hatred is that there is an air of the poseur about him, someone who is pretending competence while secretly flailing about, without a fucking clue as to what the proper direction might be, serving his own interests before the interests of those who need him... someone who is asking all of us to believe that he has got a handle on everything, to trust his competence... while knowing in his heart all along that he doesn't truly have what it takes to be in that job... and that stuff, my friend, is DEFINITELY something I identify with and fear within myself. (ugh, I have to go throw up now after that realisation)