Home Blogs After Hours May 2004
A Day | 05.01.04 | 03:52:05 PM
Well, the big news here at Bryan H.Q. is that I'm moving out of Seattle. I'm headed back to the Midwest. In keeping with my policy of moving back to the same cities again and again, I'm moving to Madison, Wisconsin, which is where I went to college and lived from 1986 to 1992.
I'm not sure yet exactly when the move will be. It could be as early as the end of the month, but depending on how finances and things work out, it could be more like the end of June. I'd like to move during the summer, while the students are mostly off campus and it's still relatively calm.
I can't wait. I think this is the change I have been needing in my life. Well, one of them, anyway.
- - - Comments - - -
COMMENT:
AUTHOR: hannah
EMAIL: misshannah@livejournal.com
IP: 68.42.114.87
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/misshannah
DATE: 05/01/2004 06:34:26 PM
Excellent, now you'll only be one time zone away from the best time zone....it makes for easier math!
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: matthew
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 66.84.175.156
URL:
DATE: 05/01/2004 07:51:20 PM
holy fuck damn crap...an honest to god celebrity moving in only 45 minutes away...oh shit oh shit oh shit. what brings you to wi?
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Wendy
EMAIL: wendy@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 172.159.232.7
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/wendy
DATE: 05/01/2004 08:02:15 PM
Congratulations on taking the plunge! I whole-heartedly endorse moving as an antidote to depression. Change is good.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 67.167.27.6
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 05/01/2004 10:07:31 PM
Congrats! It sounds exciting.
Man, I always find myself wishing I had the guts to just up and move, even though I always convince myself that's not the best idea for me a few minutes after I find myself wishing that.
Have fun in the Land of Roadside Signs Advertising Beer, Cheese, and Fireworks.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL:
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 05/02/2004 12:33:38 AM
Best wishes with your move. As Wendy already said, change is good. :)
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@gmail.com
IP: 172.192.105.102
URL: http://dvl.buzznet.com
DATE: 05/02/2004 01:02:34 AM
wtf?
uh...i mean "hey, that's great... change can be great and i hope it all works out for you and such"
WTF!?!?!
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: teenagesupervillain@yahoo.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 05/02/2004 12:47:31 PM
Heeeeeey! Now you'll live only one state away from me, rather than six! Are you sure you don't want to reconsider? :P
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 66.173.50.95
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/tundrababe/
DATE: 05/02/2004 06:15:39 PM
Woohoo, roadtrip! :-D
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BeerMary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 24.8.13.121
URL: http://rantorama.com
DATE: 05/03/2004 05:46:51 AM
I agree with Wendy -- moving is the best thing one can do when life gets "stuck." Good for you!
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: The Raz
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 68.136.22.230
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 05/03/2004 08:13:04 PM
WTF?!
☄
A Day | 05.02.04 | 12:30:55 PM
- - - Comments - - -
COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.164.249.4
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 05/02/2004 03:49:06 PM
Sounds great... but sure you don't want to move to Queens?
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL: http://www.formyselfandothers.blogspot.com
DATE: 05/02/2004 09:36:23 PM
Whoa! Madison is, like Blog City, USA, second only to, potentially, San Fransisco.
However, I know of this ultra wonderful all butter bakery not THAT far from Madison, run by friends of ours. IT's so good that we have them ship us stuff. Yep, to Florida.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BeerMary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 24.8.13.121
URL: http://rantorama.com
DATE: 05/03/2004 05:49:06 AM
If you're ever in Denver, I would be honored to buy you 1-2 free drinks, or any medium-priced appetizer on the "before 6 happy hour" section of the menu at TGI Fridays.
;-)
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: The Raz
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 68.136.22.230
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 05/03/2004 08:11:50 PM
Whaaaaaat?!?! Is this some kind of late April Fool's prank? You're supposed to move to Southern California again before moving anywhere else.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rengirl
EMAIL: imac@pixelsensei.com
IP: 12.22.65.5
URL:
DATE: 05/04/2004 10:45:49 AM
I'm with the Raz - come on down, the water is fine! That way I can freak out and avoid you out of intimidation... but still, it'd be cool to live "only 20 minutes away from the B."
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 64.39.1.10
URL: http://xkot.net
DATE: 05/06/2004 04:17:36 AM
I would say that you should meet up with Adam from Words Mean Things when you get out there, but knowing your social approaches are much like mine... well... I won't.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.168.245.108
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 05/06/2004 08:35:03 PM
When are you moving?
☄
A Day | 05.18.04 | 02:06:45 AM
Oh my, is there anything sadder than when you neglect your weblog for so long that everything slides off the page and there's just this lonely blank space?
Answer: yes, in fact there are approximately 302,789 sadder things in this world, but not in my world, which is what I'm talking about, obviously. Sheesh!
So...I've been quiet lately. But I'll be back. Don't go away, okay?
- - - Comments - - -
COMMENT:
AUTHOR: matthew
EMAIL:
IP: 66.84.174.3
URL:
DATE: 05/18/2004 08:04:05 PM
okay.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rengirl
EMAIL: imac@pixelsensei.com
IP: 4.43.203.104
URL:
DATE: 05/18/2004 11:03:29 PM
Me? Go away? Never.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL:
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 05/18/2004 11:36:38 PM
I will be eating one Hostess Ding Dong for each day you're away. Hopefully you'll be back before I finish the whole box of Ding Dongs. :)
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 4.43.142.144
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 05/19/2004 02:09:13 AM
Excellent. :)
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: hannah
EMAIL: hannahw@med.umich.edu
IP: 141.214.129.152
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/misshannah
DATE: 05/19/2004 11:52:02 AM
Glad you came up for air....
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.157.7.241
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 05/19/2004 07:30:31 PM
I don't think you should feel pressured to write stuff, but I was a little sad. There was that one day when I sat staring at this page for so long waiting for it to load before I realized that there was nothing there.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BeerMary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 24.8.13.121
URL: http://rantorama.com
DATE: 05/20/2004 04:45:31 AM
Only a restraining order could make me go away. HA!
Seriously, what's up with the move?
☄
A Day | 05.21.04 | 12:45:48 AM
This entry is sort of about why my relationship with Robin failed, and sort of about other things.
The first time I met my mom and dad (well, not the first time, but the first time that I could remember), I didn't know who they were.
Shortly after I was born, my parents split for America to make their fortune. A newborn baby would have made that difficult, so they left me with my (paternal) grandparents to raise, until I was about three years old.
I'm not bitter about this, because I know why they did it, and although I think it was the wrong decision, I can't fault their intentions. They didn't want to drag a baby across an ocean and all over the continent, living in ramshackle trailer parks while they scrabbled out their slice of the American Dream. I totally understand that, and I love them for what they thought they were sparing me from.
[Insert "But" Here]
When I was finally reunited with my parents, I didn't recognize them. I cried and wanted to go back to my "real" parents back in Korea. This country wasn't home. These people who were supposedly my parents weren't home. I felt so lonely and lost. I could never adequately describe that feeling. It's the worst feeling in the world, to be alone with no one to turn to or feel safe with. You adapt eventually, and learn to be self-sufficient and to not depend on anyone or look to anyone for anything that you really need deep down. But you never forget that horrible alone feeling.
When I got together with Robin (this all happened back in 2001, by the way), I felt attraction and what I took at the time to be love. I think, given time, it might have developed into love, but I look back now and see that it was more like the hope for love than the real thing. I had been split up from Sandra for almost two years, and I felt ready to move on. And Robin was really into me, and totally devoted, and it just seemed like a no-brainer.
Things moved way too quickly. We had a whirlwind courtship and the next thing I knew I was moving halfway across the country to move in with her. I left Sandra and my dogs and pretty much my entire life behind me. At the time, I thought it was keen -- an adventure. But even as I drove out of Seattle on my way east, I was already having second thoughts. It wasn't the unknown that bothered me, so much as that I was leaving one life without really having begun my new life, and I was stuck in this weird limbo.
After I moved in with Robin, things went downhill with breathtaking speed. Something was gnawing at me, and for the longest time I couldn't figure out what it was. Then I realized what it was: I felt alone. There I was, living with a woman who, in all honesty, I didn't even know that well, hadn't had a chance to develop a trusting relationship with, and who was proceeding busily to create this life for the two of us, and it scared the shit out of me because it was eerily like when I was a kid, and I found myself in a strange house, with strangers who were so eager to make me feel at home, even though it clearly was not home. And all of that long-buried suspicion and panic came blasting back from the cellar of my childhood. Any chance Robin and I might have had ended right there.
Not that there weren't plenty of other things that would have eventually torpedoed our relationship. But this one thing was so unnecessary and strictly my fault. I didn't see it at the time, and I blamed just about everything else but that one thing. I was panicking and I couldn't even recognize that for what it was. So I peremptorily ended the relationship and ran back to the safety of Seattle, the only home I knew.
Robin was devastated, as you might imagine. I mean, from her point of view, everything was chugging along as happy as you can be. How could she know that she had chosen to be with a dysfunctional human time bomb just waiting to fuck up her whole world?
I feel a guilt for this that will never, and should never, be erased. Robin has since forgiven me, but it doesn't help, you know? And in the years since then I have learned as much as I can from that experience and am determined to never, ever allow that to happen again. The next time I make a home with someone, it will be when I am ready to give one hundred percent of my heart to building a new life and creating a real, loving, trusting home. I don't want to ever again be in a situation where I'm pushing myself into decisions my heart doesn't feel right with.
It's not easy to learn to trust another person. And it is very much a learning process, not something that happens overnight, and it's always a learning process because you start from scratch with every person you let into your life. For most of us, it involves a lot of struggling and backpedalling and doubting. And it's easy to let your heart lead you merrily along in euphoric complacency, until you reach a place where you screech to a halt and look around in sudden panic and think, wait a minute, where the hell am I? And then your first instinct is to run, and convince yourself of whatever you need to in order to justify that instinct, and it isn't until much later that you realize that you were running away from the very thing that could have made you not want to run away.
It only took me thirty-five years to figure that out. Why? Because I'm a supa-genius is why. Dag, yo.
- - - Comments - - -
COMMENT:
AUTHOR: hannah
EMAIL: hannahw@med.umich.edu
IP: 141.214.17.5
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/misshannah
DATE: 05/21/2004 06:06:29 AM
I don't think thirty-five years is unreasonable. I mean, you still have a long life to live, for one thing. And for two, it's all that time and experience and perspective and blah blah blah that lead to widsom and self-awareness. And you're special, because not everyone even cares enough about themselves or their relationships with others to do this kind of (not tedious) introspection. And then you share it, which is bound to help someone!
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: matthew
EMAIL:
IP: 216.153.253.10
URL:
DATE: 05/21/2004 06:27:25 AM
many people never figure that out. although i bet it was a bitch of a 35 years.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.140.8.38
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 05/22/2004 12:45:55 PM
That situation you describe makes me feel a bit claustrophobic. I think I would have felt trapped no matter who I was with, but I guess that's just me.
I agree with Hannah: I think it's really great that you have figured out what happened. =)
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BeerMary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 24.8.13.121
URL: http://rantorama.com
DATE: 05/23/2004 08:35:06 AM
I'm impressed with your insight. For someone who is (as you put it) dysfunctional, you sure as hell are pretty healthy!
*hugs*
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Wendy
EMAIL: wendy@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 172.170.174.25
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/wendy
DATE: 05/23/2004 09:05:53 AM
You know, the act of moving somewhere to be with someone is 99% of the time doomed to failure, whether you have issues or not. I know this because I have experienced both ends of it. First, in 1999, I moved to Portland, OR for my career. I was living with the first love of my life at the time and he decided that he would go with me. Since we lived so well together in NYC, what could be wrong with it in Portland, right? It turns out, everything. NYC was not his home and not his career path and it caused our perfect relationship to crumble in only one month's time.
Then, in 2002, I became the person leaving my comfort zone when I spontaneously decided to move in with my boyfriend in Italy. Again, one month later, I was on a plane back to NYC.
It's always hardest on the person who is trying to fit into the other person's life. And while you have a valid point about your past, you shouldn't beat yourself up so much. Anybody would have felt trapped and out of place in the same situation. Some people have the ability to stick it out, and that's admirable. But if you don't, it's nothing that reflects poorly on you. It's the people who don't panic and very easily give up their own identities that you have to wonder about.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL: http://www.formyselfandstrangers.blogspot.com
DATE: 05/23/2004 01:38:20 PM
Issues about what is home and where you belong and the huge, gigantic, "i am an island, see?" trust thing are among those lovely events I call "Learning Experiences". Almost without exception, they suck. They suck hard.
And you still get them. That you've managed to garner this much self knowledge in only 35 years speaks well for you. Take a glance at all the dysfunctional, in denial, can't deal with it 50 and 60 year old folks who shove their stuff under their beds and pretend it is all ok, while going through the motions and spreading their particular bands of dysfunction around to children, loved ones, friends and even strangers.
Ever see that documentary series about the british kids who were checked on every 7 years? There's this whole theory that we develop along this 7 year cycle, every seven years having developed more capacity to think, to feel, to reason and intuit and just...deal.
I've long called 28 "the year of the clue". It seems that so many of my friends have major life changing events take place during that year. You depart from the youthful invulnerability of your 20s and start taking a longer view. I also call the years between 14 and 21 the "too stupid to live" period because, DAMN, it's a wonder no one killed *me* during that time and I was considered a good kid!
Anyway, you've got some faults, B, no doubt. One of them is constantly beating on yourself, like you are afraid someone might do it before you do. But I adore you anyway :>
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: The Raz
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 68.136.22.241
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 05/26/2004 10:01:59 PM
I agree with Sherri, I don't think beating yourself up for making a mistake is necessary. I, for one, can relate all too well to the impulse of throwing yourself headlong into a relationship with someone without having your emotional ass covered. There was someone who I dated a couple of years ago for about 6 weeks who, after two friggin' weeks, made me think I was in "love." LUST is more like it! And yet, I was perfectly willing to throw away a lot of my life to apease her and to win her over. The relationship made me second-guess myself in a lot of different ways. However, I think my biggest achievement coming out of that situation was to be resilient. I learned from my mistakes, asked for forgiveness to friends (who easily forgave me) for leaving them behind, and - most of all- forgave myself. I think even geniuses need to learn from experience sometimes.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL:
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 05/28/2004 05:29:46 PM
Kudos to you for having figured out that part of your life B. So many people just go through life, making the same mistakes, not taking the time to evaluate why they react certain ways to things or do the things they do. I don't think you should carry that guilt however. Life is a learning processing. No one ever has it right. And what works for some won't for others because we all have different expereiences that either helps us deal or sends us running. So maybe this just means, you weren't ready at that time to make your relationship with Robin work. But now that you know what you know of yourself, maybe this time you are. If not with Robin, then with someone else.
Thanks for finally updating btw. I've been laid up in the house and ran out of ding dongs! :D
For Skattie.