Home Blogs After Hours February 2004
A Day | 02.05.04 | 04:55:19 AM
When I think about those extra special songs...the songs that have some powerful significance in my memories, it's never something cool, like "Rebel, Rebel" by David Bowie or "10:15 Saturday Night" by The Cure. No, the really meaningful songs from my past are more along the lines of "Caught Up In You" by .38 Special. I found a video clip of this song on the web today, which is what made me think about them. Remember that whole Southern Rock thing in the late 70's/early 80's? Like "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" and stuff like that? No? Damn. Well, that stuff was the shit, let me tell ya.
That .38 Special song was huge in 1982, which was, like, the year as far as I'm concerned. If, in the afterlife, they let you live one year from your life for eternity, for me it would be '82, no question. I've written about this before and you're probably so sick of hearing it, but I wish you could have been there. It wasn't even that I had such a great time that year, because in fact that was the year I first had my heart torn out and broken into a million pieces, which were then tossed into a gutter and, um, vomited on by a bum. A really, really smelly and hung over bum.
But. Wow, is it even possible to get your heart broken the way it can get broken when you're 13 and in "love" for the first time? I think it would actually be worth the pain, just to feel that kind of unqualified intensity again.
My best friend that year was Soheil Rabbani. He was this short, rotund Jewish kid from Iran who had a gigantic, and I mean earth-shaking, crush on a tall, slender red-haired girl named Kathleen Cohen. Soheil was great. I wish I had a friend like him now. He was like this squat little crackling ball of manic energy. Everything for him was dialed up to 11, this kid with his monobrow and buck teeth and ill-fitting Izod shirts that made him look like an unripe plum with man-tits. I remember seeing Rocky III with him that summer, 1982, and he was so into it that he came out of the theater crazily punching the air, like some insane dwarf boxer.
And God, he had it bad for pretty, popular Kathleen Cohen, who barely -- just barely -- acknowledged his existence. One time he had an actual conversation with her at a bus stop, and afterwards he ran home and phoned me, and talked to me about it for eight straight hours. Soheil loved to talk on the phone. And, let's be honest, so did I. I had the longest single uninterrupted phone conversation of my life with this guy: 30 straight hours (and change)! My parents practically keelhauled me afterwards (this was pre-call waiting). Thank God it was local.
Stephen King is right, you can never have the kind of friends as an adult that you had when you were a kid. I don't know what happens, but something changes. Like with Soheil, we actually had almost nothing in common. I was a big reader, and he was barely literate. I don't even know what his interests were, outside of action movies and Kathleen Cohen. We just clicked, I don't know why. Nowadays it seems like I gauge friendships by shared interests and values and things like that. Again, I don't know why. And it's sad, but if I met Soheil today, I'd have nothing at all to say to him beyond half an hour of catching up.
[I just Googled him, by the way. I think this may be "my" Soheil, since this guy is in the 310 (L.A.) area code, and he's a tax accountant -- Soheil, while no intellectual, had this unreal knack for dealing with money.]
In fact, my friendship with Soheil peaked in '82; the year after that, we sort of drifted apart. I discovered D&D and joined that whole geeky tribe, and that was the end of what I guess was my last pure childhood friendship.
Oh, and Soheil, ever the hopeful lovestruck doofus, actually asked Kathleen Cohen out on a date the following year. That idiot.
And guess what? She said yes.
- - - Comments - - -
COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BeerMary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 24.8.13.121
URL: http://rantorama.com
DATE: 02/05/2004 06:49:36 AM
1982 kicked ass! I started my freshman year of high school that year.
One thing I remember is having a HUGE crush on this guy named Jay. I had my friend Rhonda call him (while I listened on the other phone). She asked him if he thought I was cute. He said I was too fat (5' 4", 120 pounds at the time). I was crushed.
Then I realized that, in 10 years, he would be getting buttfucked by men plenty fatter than me when he was serving time on his 3rd felony conviction. I felt better.
Even at age 14, I so kicked ass.
I lost touch with Jay, which is sad, because now I have no idea which federal pen he's serving his time in. Sad when you lose touch with friends, isn't it?
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: SpyWhoLovedYou@aol.com
IP: 209.36.27.8
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 02/06/2004 01:59:18 PM
Oh, yeah! Asking someone out still takes "nerve," but it will never be like it was in those days, when it was truly terrifying and your whole body went numb at the thought. And you cared what the answer would be SO much--to the point of not wanting to know. There was the note method (humiliating evidence if he said no!), the phone method (what do you say when you first get him on the line? what if your mother comes home when you're mid-conversation??), and the safer, highly evasive friend method (instant out: pretend your friend was playing a joke).
And then there were two kinds of friends: the kind who would tell you exactly what he said, and the kind who would soften the blow with a white lie.
The fact that Kathleen said yes makes this a great story and totally unlike anything that happened in my adolescence.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 4.35.150.194
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 02/07/2004 06:23:37 AM
Yeah, I've gotta hand it to old Soheil, he never let anything as crippling as not having the looks of a male underwear model hold him back from going for what he wanted. Now I on the other hand was way too smart for that kind of rash behavior, which is why I enjoyed such solitude during my teen years.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.145.99.215
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 02/08/2004 04:11:25 AM
That's a great story! =)
I remember lingering in my fifth grade classroom as everyone filed out for recess so I could slip a note (more of a survey actually) into Tim McCord's desk. The note said:
Will you go out with me? Please check one.
Yes.
No.
Maybe.
-Bobbie
He never returned the note, and I didn't have the guts to ask him about it. I took that as a "no", but who knows? Maybe we've been "going out" all this time!
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: SpyWhoLovedYou@aol.com
IP: 64.252.187.208
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 02/08/2004 09:07:07 AM
I once was careless enough to word the note "Circle Yes or No," and the guy circled "or."
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: The Raz
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 68.136.22.178
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 02/11/2004 10:16:58 PM
Hmmm. This is the first time I've heard of Soheil. I feel as though I may have been "Soheil Mach 2" this whole time now! :-(
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.197.177.237
URL:
DATE: 02/13/2004 08:42:09 AM
i
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 66.237.70.170
URL:
DATE: 02/13/2004 03:55:00 PM
oh fuck all! it was supposed to read "i *heart* alt text", but used that damn greater than sign and it fucked it all up!
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 4.35.149.167
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 02/13/2004 04:10:46 PM
It's the thought that counts! :)
☄
A Day | 02.07.04 | 07:11:27 AM
It's about 6:30 in the morning as I begin this entry. I haven't been able to sleep all night. I was going to go to bed nice and early at 2 a.m., but I got into a conversation as I was heading off to the sack, which developed into this political discussion -- well, rant exchange might be more descriptive -- and the next thing I knew, it was two hours later. Two hours after that, my mind's still going a mile a minute.
This calls to mind a quote I used to put into my message board signatures. It went something like, "Too much talk creates problems," or something like that.
Blah.
I feel so gross lately. I've been letting myself go in a big way. I'm not sure why. I was on a good, steady roll throughout most of last summer and autumn, and then sometime around November I just crashed. The bottom dropped right out from under me. I don't know why. It got worse and worse through the holidays, and it won't let up. I stopped working out, I fell completely out of my eating plan, I started avoiding people (more than usual, that is). I had been hitting the bottle pretty hard during the holiday season, so I cut that shit out -- I haven't touched the stuff since New Year's -- but if anything I'm feeling even worse.
It would be nice, in a way, if I could just chalk it up to depression and be done with it, but I'm not sure what it is, really. Depression feels different. When I'm depressed, I feel emotional pain, and a sort of helpless despair sets in. Right now, though, I don't feel much of anything -- I'm just numb.
I had a cathartic moment the other night when I was talking to someone and the subject of a mutual friend, "E," came up. E is a close friend. Someone I care about deeply. And yet, the more we discussed E, the more apparent it became that I was harboring a profound bitterness toward this person. Nothing I could put my finger on, like "You did this to me." It was just this strange, vague feeling of having been deeply disappointed, even betrayed.
We're hardest on those who are closest to us, aren't we? Well, some people are, anyway. I am. You'd think that the more you loved somebody, the more slack you would cut them. But I tend to go the opposite way. The closer you are to me, the less you can get away with. Maybe because the deeper people get into my heart, the greater the potential for harm. It's fragile in there! One clumsy move could send the whole works crashing down. So when someone's rooting around in there, I watch them like a hawk.
Talking to my friend, I realized how ridiculously high I set my standards of loyalty. Given those standards, it's almost impossible not to "betray" me in one way or another. That's why it's easier to keep 99.9999% of people in the main lobby. I offer them refreshments, entertainments, things to keep them busy and happy and to prevent them from leaving. But there is no express elevator to the penthouse. Not that the view from up there is so great, but still.
There are people who have passed through my life that I have loved deeply. Maybe too deeply -- enough so that the prospect of their inevitable departure was too painful to contemplate. So that I would rather just push them back down the staircase before they could leave by their own accord. It sucks to be alone, but there are worse things than being alone.
I think I push people away, on some level, to see if they'll come back. If they do, I push harder, and harder, until only the truly determined remain. I guess it's the Fight Club school of friendship. But Jesus, that's too much to ask of anyone. I don't know why anyone would sit still for that. In a way, I suspect that to be my "inner sanctum" friend is to weather a tremendous amount of humiliation, which is why it's not a massively popular vocation.
Everybody has their own life script, the scenario that plays out again and again in their mind, by which all of life's actions are modeled. Mine plays out with a sort of resignation.
☄
A Day | 02.16.04 | 08:17:39 AM
Feeling disjointed and strange lately. "Off" doesn't begin to describe it. I can't make sense of the feeling or discuss the reasons for this mega-offness in a coherent fashion. So I pull out the old bullet points.
• My "other" computer, the Evil PC, is all broken. I think it's the motherboard. A replacement should be arriving sometime soon. Meanwhile, Sandra's been using the Mac.
• Sleep schedule all fucked up again. It's not my fault, though.
• Depressed. I think it's a seasonal thing. February is always a bad month for me. Am realizing that I hate the Pacific Northwest.
• Angry about certain things, but in a helpless, can't-do-anything-about-it kind of way. Have you ever been angry at something -- a thing, person, institution, etc. -- but been unable to express that anger because, ultimately, it's just you? And yet, as unjustified as that anger is, you can't get rid of it?
• Did I mention depressed?
• Also, alienated.
• Sober. Maybe I should start getting plastered again?
• Blah.
• No, wait. Do you ever have times when you're just sitting there thinking about something/nothing and then this wave of melancholy sort of settles over you like a gigantic deflating balloon?
• SO OUT OF IT
More later when I get my head together.
- - - Comments - - -
COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BeerMary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 24.8.13.121
URL: http://rantorama.com
DATE: 02/16/2004 10:54:58 AM
Sorry you're feeling down. :-(
I love overcast and rainy days, but I've never lived in a climate like yours. I have no doubt it would make depression much worse.
Denver is one of the sunniest cities in America. It has more sunny days than Miami and San Diego. Gets on my nerves, but it's probably the best climate for me.
I posted a song on my blog that is pretty funny. Go listen, and have a smile on me.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Wendy
EMAIL: wendy@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 80.117.23.234
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/wendy
DATE: 02/16/2004 11:08:13 AM
Wuold you like to come to Italy? I could sure use the company and you can always blame all your sleep problems on the time difference.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: matthew
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 66.84.173.198
URL:
DATE: 02/16/2004 11:10:33 AM
i meetcha halfway with the way your feeling, that's why no posting for me lately, too.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rengirl
EMAIL: imac@pixelsensei.com
IP: 68.111.171.199
URL:
DATE: 02/16/2004 02:34:13 PM
Maybe you're body just wants to use you all your "depressed time" and then you get so tired of being depressed that eventually you can't get down even if you tried? Or does that sound depressing too?
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 4.35.149.146
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 02/17/2004 02:39:10 AM
BeerMary: Sun? Yeah, I remember seeing the sun once. It was real pretty. I hope to see it again someday. Argh. How's the job market over in Denver?
Wendy: How's the job market over in Italy?
Matthew: Man, at least you're being funny! I plan on voting for you as a write in candidate come September.
Rengirl: I like your theory. Maybe I'm taking the wrong approach -- I should try to be more depressed!
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: wendy
EMAIL: wendy@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 82.49.45.134
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/wendy
DATE: 02/17/2004 05:40:08 AM
Job market? Umm... can it really be called a "market" here in Sicily? But at least you can take solace in everyone else being unemployed as well and you won't feel like such a loser. You can blame all your problems on lack of work, not lack of effort.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.146.240.99
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 02/17/2004 08:29:01 PM
Two words: road trip! Cut to montage!
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BeerMary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 24.8.13.121
URL: http://rantorama.com
DATE: 02/17/2004 09:24:47 PM
Honey, you just come on out to Denver! :-) The job market sucks everywhere. You might as well be somewhere cool. (Italy sounds cooler though.)
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 68.218.144.53
URL: http://xkot.net
DATE: 02/18/2004 03:07:34 AM
Yeah man, I'm with you. February sucks... I feel the same way every year.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 66.173.50.82
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/tundrababe/
DATE: 02/18/2004 04:51:39 PM
February blows...good thing it's a short month.
Sorry to hear about the anger/overall negative feelings. I hope the sun comes out and things improve.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: The Raz
EMAIL: KevinRazban@msn.com
IP: 68.136.22.142
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/kevin
DATE: 02/20/2004 03:52:14 PM
Smile. Your entry generated 11 posts.
For Skattie.