Home Blogs After Hours December 2003
A Day | 12.03.03 | 11:10:13 PM
The subject du jour in the ever cloudy realm that is Bryan's brain is that of multiple weblogs. See, I just started a new one today. Or rather, resurrected an old one. It's funny because I originally set up Dear God Damn Diary over at that address to be what's there now -- just a no-frills online journal, sans comedy, a place for my daily ramblings. But then I started spending more and more time on DGDD until it became pretty much what I'd been hoping not to do.
I keep starting up these weblogs because I have a lot of different interests and modes of expression, and I find it strangely awkward to post about them all in one venue. Maybe it's the audience; some things I'd like to post on my public weblog I hold back on because my site attracts certain types of people with certain expectations, and I can almost feel the whiplash when I post, say, a Jay-Z advice column and then follow it up with a super-earnest mini-essay on the state of modern cinema. Ideally, I'd have a different weblog for every interest. Maybe it's not quite so crazy; the idea of topical weblogs over general weblogs seems to be catching on, as more and more people start up, for instance, fitness blogs, in addition to their regular blogs.
There's probably more I could say on the topic, but to be honest I'm dead sleepy, so I'll end it here and maybe pick it up later. Man, I was gonna be all articulate and shit, too.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.194.108
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 12/04/2003 12:21:19 AM
It'd be cool if Movable Type or one of those type of packages had a feature that'd let you generate multiple weblogs from the same source database. So you could have Weblog A that pulled entries in the database that were labelled with categories 1, 2, or 3 and Weblog B that pulled entries from the same database that were in categories 4 or 5.
Then, if you wanted to spit out a new weblog, all you'd have to do is design a new skin and inform Movable Type which categories that it uses. So in a way, it'd be like the "categories" feature that already exists for MT, except that each separate "weblog" would basically be an additional category filter.
(Disclaimer: I've never touched Movable Type and don't know how it works. I assume it's the usual database querying web app, except that it pre-renders html files. Also, there are probably redundant sentences in the above paragraphs.)
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 68.19.229.163
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 12/04/2003 12:25:23 AM
Now that you have three (or more?) weblogs, it's time to descend into the delightful cesspool of livejournal. You can feel it reaching out for to claim your soul and replace it with Sanrio products, can't you?
Seriously though, I admire you for actually setting up all the different blogs. I just register the domain names and let them expire after a year or two of procrastination.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL: http://www.formyselfandothers.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/05/2003 09:47:22 AM
And I, on the other hand, try to cram everything into the same closet...er..weblog. I'm going through a fairly defiant time where I claim my weblog as my own territory and speak aloud hoping someone hears me, but not planning to break down if no one does. There's a certain comfort I derive from "Fuck You and the Bantha you rode in on."
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Wendy
EMAIL: wendy@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 172.170.74.32
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/wendy
DATE: 12/08/2003 08:08:35 PM
I like that your weblog has so many different genres in one. It's like a mixed bag. So I have no problem with so many different types of entries being on one page. It's neat-o.
☄
A Day | 12.07.03 | 12:25:16 AM
The way I've been feeling lately, I figure I may as well save time and just post quotations from the DSM-IV and articles on mental health.
Are you dysthymic?
This from Scientific American:
Mild chronic depression has long been known to exist. Although it has been referred to by different names such as neurotic depression, minor depression, intermittent depression and depressive personality, it has, since its appearance in the DSM-III (the American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders,1980), been standardly labeled "dysthymia." The term literally means "ill-humored."
According to DSM-IV (1994) criteria, the core features of the disorder include at least two years of depressed mood for more days than not, with at least two of the following:
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: hannah
EMAIL: hannahw@med.umich.edu
IP: 204.38.4.94
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/misshannah
DATE: 12/07/2003 10:14:49 AM
B
If I could wave this wand and make your dysthymia disappear, would you want me to? Because I would do it.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 67.250.184.5
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 12/07/2003 10:19:22 AM
You have a wand and you haven't told me? Good Lord, woman -- wave away!
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.193.48.150
URL:
DATE: 12/07/2003 07:24:34 PM
*runs though naked*
anything to make you smile...
xoxo
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/08/2003 02:01:25 PM
eeeheeheeheehee.....
Oh, sorry. I was momentarily distracted by that adorable Santa picture. Cuuuuuuute Lil' B!
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 68.19.229.163
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 12/08/2003 09:46:54 PM
When I read that I felt sort of like the bee girl in that Blind Melon video when she finds a place where she actually belongs.
Well, not really. But it sounded familiar as hell.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.128.76.212
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 12/09/2003 06:52:36 PM
Is this something you can fix with an inhaler, like asthma?
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BeerMary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 207.14.214.200
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 01/03/2004 03:06:06 PM
Holy shit. This is so me. Damn. I'm dysthymic. Why can't I be something cool, like a genius alcoholic,like Edgar Allen Poe? But NOOOOO, I have to be something completely annoying, like DYSTHYMIC! Shit shit shit.
☄
A Day | 12.09.03 | 04:12:58 AM
My upstairs neighbor, Craig, has this custom of hanging out in the parking lot with his dog in the late afternoons. He's kind of this scruffy, hippie-ish guy in his 40's (the neighbor, not the dog). A real laid-back kind of guy, except in that sort of fussy way that tells you he's actually a raging OCD case and probably an asshole in private. We have sort of a nodding acquaintance. I gave him a VCR once, during a particularly draconian bout of housecleaning.
The whole hanging-out-in-the-parking-lot thing bugs me on a fundamental level. It's not just him -- inevitably, every time Craig goes out there, he collects passersby the way a fly strip collects flies. Over the past couple of years it's evolved to the point where he's got a regular mini-party going on out there every day. They stand around with their dogs, swilling beers. I call it the Dog Park.
Why does it bug me so much? I think because of the way Craig goes out there every damn day, plops himself down, and waits with this kind of plaintive, dog-like patience for someone to walk by. I find it kind of pathetic.
I guess that goes right to the heart of my own xenophobia. I could never be one of those ultra-gregarious people. What I realized today, as I watched the guy standing out there in the rain in 50 degree weather waiting for his Dog Park, is that what I'm mainly afraid of is attachment. Deep down, I feel that human relationships erode your wholeness. In a way, I see Craig as sort of a mutated being, someone who has been hooked up to the hoses of interpersonal attachments for so long that if you took them away, what was left wouldn't be able to function on its own. If you put Craig into solitary confinement, he'd lose his drug-addled mind within 24 hours. He needs people the way people need oxygen. I realize that this is not how most people would define wholeness, but I don't consider him a whole person.
Of course, our humanity is defined by our relationships with others. I realize that. I'm not repudiating human relationships. I'm just kind of puzzled and, on some level, horrified, by the human need -- the thirst -- for contact. I don't separate myself from that group, either. I mean, is there a huge difference between me and Craig other than that I sit out here on my weblog instead of a parking lot curb? My weblogs are my Dog Park. So we come back around again to that truest of truths: we hate and fear most what we hate and fear most within ourselves.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56nospam@yahoo.com
IP: 67.250.83.209
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 12/09/2003 09:23:42 AM
I didn't even know his name, so you are one up on me. What bothers me about this guy is that he openly plays bad guitar, gets blasted, and howls off-key in the most annoying way possible, and still has lots of friends. Sheesh! At least he's a reliable source of gossip, since he butts his nose into everything.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: hannah
EMAIL: hannahw@med.umich.edu
IP: 141.214.129.152
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/misshannah
DATE: 12/09/2003 12:46:49 PM
Deep down, I feel that human relationships erode your wholeness.
I think this is the most telling part of your story. I find it very difficult to retain certain parts of myself when I'm in a relationship. I feel my identity devolving into someone I don't like. What the hell is that about?
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: matthew
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 66.84.173.222
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 12/09/2003 01:38:36 PM
"we hate and fear most what we hate and fear most within ourselves" true. my question is, then, how much are we supposed to try and break out of our own fears and hates?
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 67.250.83.209
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 12/09/2003 02:10:33 PM
Sandra: Yeah, but look at his friends, though! Also, is he the one who plays the bad guitar, or is it the guy next door? That guy's a total pud. He's the one I played the JFK newspaper gag on, but I think it was wasted on him.
Hannah: I believe relationships involve a constant state of negotiation between two separate identities. You can't not feel compromised on some level. Personally, I think a lot of relationships fail because that negotiation results in one or the other person having to suppress or negate some part of his or her identity in a way that sows resentment and frustration.
Matthew: I wish I knew. Maybe all we can do is acknowledge the deeper roots of our fears and let that awareness temper our judgments? I can say that I'm far less contemptuous of Dog Park Guy, knowing how much those feelings are more a reflection of myself than of him. Familiarity I think dilutes fear, so maybe the more insight we have into those things that we hate and avoid, the less power they have to threaten us.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.128.76.212
URL: http://agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 12/09/2003 06:49:39 PM
Dog Park... I like that term.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.195.233.195
URL:
DATE: 12/10/2003 02:00:02 AM
i am driven by that need for contact; it's nice to use the online medium to stay connected, but it does not quench my thirst for tangible experiences, especially when someone lives within 5 miles of me.
yesterday i had it out with a friend for his inability (which i instinctively misread as lack of desire) to hang out in person. (a local blogger who i met online, and have developed a decent friendship with - we met once in person, and we have daily online and phone contact.)
tonight i realize that words are not food, but sometimes i must eat them....
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 67.250.82.144
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 12/11/2003 09:15:38 AM
The bad guitar player lives on our floor, right next door. Now you know why I told you the newspaper gag would be a bad idea. He's a complete lame-o.
As for meeting people I know online: I would never force the issue just because of my own feelings about it. I mean, in a lot of cases my online relationships almost seem to exist in another universe from my off-line relationships. There are people I know online that I probably wouldn't get on with off-line, and vise versa.
I have a girfriend that I have known for many years, and when we have to rely on email and online alone, we drift apart. We both like to write, just not to each other.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BeerMary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 207.14.214.200
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 01/03/2004 03:10:50 PM
I wish my local Dog Park had beer. Other than that, I totally agree with you.
My long-term friends don't get the Mary of now, because I've become a total recluse. In fact, I find myself looking down on people who need to have relationships with other people.
I know my low self esteem is why I have isolated myself from others the past year. But a part of me is proud of the fact that I'm stronger than others, and happier with myself than others seem to be with themselves.
Isn't that ironic? I separate myself from others because of my low self worth, yet I feel superior to others because I CAN separate myself.
Lord God am I messed up! Hee!
☄
A Day | 12.11.03 | 03:08:00 AM
Via BOB: Crazy Girls and the Men Who Love Them.
I admit it, I used to be drawn to the Crazy Girl. There was something about all that manic drama that I found irresistible. The article touches on it -- it's flattering to be the focus of so much insane behavior. Even if she burns your house down, part of you is like, "Wow, I inspired that kind of passion?" Never mind that just about any man with the necessary traits -- not all of them desirable, mind you -- would arouse the same behavior. For the moment, it's all about you. And of course, you have to be unhealthy yourself to need that kind of attention so much that you're willing to put up with all the bullshit.
☄
A Day | 12.16.03 | 04:15:05 AM
It's always around the holidays that I most miss Wisconsin. It's funny how time plays with you, isn't it? If you'd asked me when I was actually living there, I'd tell you that Wisconsin was a fucking hole and that I couldn't wait to get out of there. Add a decade or so and I'm waxing nostalgic about the place as if every moment was an ingot of purest gold.
But I do miss that fucking town, Madison, with its hicks and crazy-ass bums and drunken frat boys and everything. Hindsight creates a paradise out of every purgatory, but damn if I don't wish I were back there right now. To be nineteen again, stumbling home drunk off my ass, or whatever there was of my ass that wasn't frozen off by those subzero wind chills.
Madison is a reminder of a time when nothing mattered, and destiny was a blank slate.
I had a friend once. His name was Brian Mayemura. I knew him from junior high, where he was a grade beneath me. Brian was...what can I say? He was a kid, and he stayed a kid for as long as I knew him. He wasn't the deepest well around, but he had heart. He'd listen to you ramble all night about some girl, if that was what you needed. He was a great guy. Hopeless romantically, but only because of that childlike nature of his: he was so harmless, so eager to please, that you couldn't help but like him.
Like I said, I knew him in junior high but not afterwards, not until he came to the U of Wisconsin the year after I landed there. He latched onto me right away, and we became friends. God love him, he saw me as a kind of role model. He dressed like me, he talked like me. If I bought something, chances were that a week later he'd have the same thing. And God help me, I hated him for it. You have to remember, I hated myself in those days. Having Brian (even his name was an echo of my own) around to emulate every aspect of my life was like having the worst parts of that life shoved back into my face. I'm not saying I wasn't flattered by his devotion. It's just, when you don't like yourself much, you tend not to think much of people who like you.
I wish I could say that I shepherded him through the difficult passage to manhood or something noble like that, but to be honest, all I really did was use him. I used him as a sounding board for my obsessions (too bad there was no such thing as weblogs in those days); I used him to bolster my own flagging self-esteem. He was always the guy I could point to and think, "at least I'm not him."
And oh, I treated him like shit. Not deliberately. I saw him as a friend. I was there when he needed it. I helped him through some rough times. But I treated him like shit all the same. Because I didn't respect him. His devotion to me was so steadfast that I took it for granted, and behaved toward him as if he were a toady, not a friend.
Even after Wisconsin, when we were both living in L.A., we never got past that relationship. Beta to my reluctant Alpha. Jeff to my Mutt.
He dropped out of my life sometime around 1993, and I haven't heard from him since. I've sent cards, made phone calls. Nothing. Maybe he finally got sick of my bullshit. Maybe he finally saw me for what I was, and the mystique dried up like a bead of sweat in a Mojave summer.
I miss you, Brian. And I'm sorry I treated you like shit.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: bakiwop
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 66.84.175.133
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 12/16/2003 04:09:00 PM
"a reminder of a time when nothing mattered, and destiny was a blank slate" - still can be, it's what you make of it (and damnit, doesn't hearing that just piss you off? it pisses me off and i just about believe it).
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.199.114.149
URL:
DATE: 12/16/2003 09:28:05 PM
nothing a little public records search couldn't possibly cure... just say the word, baby, just say the word.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 67.251.80.23
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 12/17/2003 04:18:14 AM
Bakiwop: It's true, and yeah, it does piss me off. A lot! But in a good way. It's just hard to let go of the world sometimes.
Daisy: The sad thing is, I know his address and his phone number. He just never returns any of my calls or letters. On the less "I-am-an-asshole" side, he won't contact any of our other mutual friends, either. Nobody knows what his deal is. There's a whole board of inquiry looking into the "What Happened to Brian Mayemura" mystery...a long story that I shall relate the next time I'm drunk at the computer.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: groovebunny
EMAIL: wabbit@groovebunny.com
IP: 68.224.168.139
URL: http://groovebunny.diaryland.com
DATE: 12/17/2003 07:32:44 AM
I had something like that happen recently to me. I think I was a good friend, but this person just dropped off the face of the earth. My calls, emails and writing just resulted in more silence. I'd have to say that was one the hardest things to get over for me this year.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sandra
EMAIL: retrogirl56@yahoo.com
IP: 67.251.80.23
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/sandra
DATE: 12/19/2003 07:33:10 PM
I miss Brian, too.
☄
A Day | 12.17.03 | 04:09:41 AM
Damn, that was some overheated shit I wrote last night. Needless to say, I was heavily sedated throughout its production. The strange thing is, it started out as a mildly nostalgic anecdote about this really cool Christmas party I went to once, and all of a sudden it's self-flagellating confession time. FYI, this is not dissimilar to the actual experience of getting drunk with me.
Remember, kids...if you write, don't drink. And if you drink, don't write. And I have to say it -- if even one of you had been on AIM at the time I could have avoided that whole sorry mess! For instance, I was all set to post something kind of gloomy here tonight, but I ran into Estella online, so I got to read a 16-page paper on Renaissance Lit instead. And you know what? I liked it! It was sure as hell better than anything I would have written here!
I need someone standing behind me 24 hours a day with a large sack of manure, so they can whack me over the head with it whenever I utter the sentence, "I think I'll relax with a drinky poo and post to my journal before I go to bed."
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: hannah
EMAIL: hannahw@med.umich.edu
IP: 141.214.129.152
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/misshannah
DATE: 12/17/2003 07:17:56 AM
FYI, this is not dissimilar to the actual experience of getting drunk with me.
Excellent. Can't hardly wait.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 12/17/2003 12:33:50 PM
You are so unbelieveably cool it blows my mind. You don't even know how much you helped me last night! I had the paper under her door by five thirty and was in bed by six. Now I get to finish my annotated bibliography. AND THEN CLEAN MY HOUSE.
Thank you, B! Really! I owe you.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 172.193.107.207
URL:
DATE: 12/17/2003 08:45:30 PM
*pours a round of shots*
... bring it on, sucka! (yeah, uh huh, always threatening you with a good time)
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 68.19.229.163
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 12/18/2003 01:21:00 AM
Nothing at all wrong with a little drunken emotional writing. In fact it's probably good for us.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: matthew
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 209.242.228.11
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 12/18/2003 09:38:06 AM
drunken emotions are the enema of the soul.
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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BeerMary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 207.14.214.200
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 01/03/2004 03:18:25 PM
Your self-examination and your sense of trying to be a good person is one of the things that makes you so lovable. And so above average! Don't apologize!
And I thought you were never on AIM or didin't like it. Hell, if you're going to start IMing people I'll have to turn mine on and just wait around, like a groupie at a backstage door. ;-)
For Skattie.