What's All This, Then?

Tuesday | 08.19.03 | 05:27:34 AM

I suppose you're all wondering why I've called you here today.

Awesome -- I've always wanted to say that.

I started this private weblog because I wanted to be able to talk about things I can't talk about on my public blog, and I wanted to know the people to whom I was talking. Most of all, I wanted a space where I could just be myself and be as boring or maudlin or angry or candid as I wanted without pissing someone off or hurting a friend.

Basically, I just want a chance to rap at some folks I like and respect and who, I'm guessing, might have an interest in reading what I have to say and maybe even say something back.

This is kind of an experiment for me, so I don't know if it'll work. You know how it is -- your mind races with things you want to talk about, all the way up to the point where you sit down to actually write the fucker, at which point your mind wipes clean like a shaken-up Etch-a-Sketch. So who knows, this might end up being a total bust. Fair warning!

So that's that! Let's see what happens....?

- - - Comments - - -

Sherri | 08/19/2003 | 06:24:25 AM

I'm for it. Of course, right now it would he hard for you to be more boring than I am. This means that, by default, you are automatically interesting. How's that for encouragement.

There's also a little part of me that is thinking "Hey, B, Entertain Me!" But only a little.

Angela | 08/19/2003 | 07:04:38 AM

Is this where you stop being polite, and start getting "real?" If so, hell yeah!

B² | 08/19/2003 | 08:10:17 AM

Sherri, it's okay to be boring! I want this to be a place where we can all express our inner Economics Professor in a safe, nonjudgmental environment. Except for the fucking cretins.

Say, that reminds me, here's a handy dandy weblogging tip from Unca B²: you can always spice up an otherwise boring weblog entry with the liberal use of the word "fuck." For example:

"I brushed my teeth and went to bed, but I couldn't sleep." BORING.

"I fucking brushed my fucking teeth and went to fucking bed, but fuck, I couldn't fucking sleep!" FUN!

"I blew up my boss's house with a bazooka." BORING.

"I blew up my boss's house with a fucking bazooka." EXCITING!

Yes, this is the kind of uncensored, raw material you can expect here.

B² | 08/19/2003 | 08:15:59 AM

Angela: Yep, that's exactly it. This will be just like "The Real World," but if you took out all but one of the residents, took away his money, traded his hip clothes for stuff that was on clearance in 1985, and beat him up real good. In other words, you can expect gripping "reality weblog" entries about me going to the market, then going to the post office. But it's REAL!

estella | 08/19/2003 | 08:31:10 AM

I'm so excited! I can hardly wait to find out how many people you've killed and where the bodies are buried!

I'm a "vacant field" girl, myself.

Oh, all this bonding!

B² | 08/19/2003 | 08:39:50 AM

Me, I'm more of a "densely wooded national park" type of guy.

Isn't this great, though? Are you feeling the love? Shit just got real, baby!

Jim | 08/19/2003 | 09:49:11 AM

At first glance, I read these two comments kind of together:

'I'm a "vacant field" girl, myself.'

'Me, I'm more of a "densely wooded national park" type of guy.'

As Beavis would say, "Mheheheheheh!"

I thought it was getting as raw and real as "Jerry Springer: Too Hot To Not Be Passworded" already!

Bob the Corgi | 08/19/2003 | 11:12:20 AM

I AM a fellow insomniac! How did you know that? Insomnia never looked so appealing since bloggers started providing fresh content all around the clock. And what could be better than a site called "After Hours"?

Sherri | 08/19/2003 | 11:42:28 AM

I can't claim insomnia as a character trait since I take unplanned naps. Oh, I still see 2:47 am and 4:55 am, but not for the same reasons you (probably) do.

Currently I'm very boring, Unca B. I'm going through a load of icky girl stuff which has me planted in my bed until further notice (let's just say I'm trying to have a baby, but things are being difficult and gross at the same time). So, I am experimenting in high level boredom.

And I can't make myself say "fuck" all the time because that's how I fucking got into this situation in the fucking first place.

B² | 08/19/2003 | 11:59:41 AM

Jim: Now that's the "Webloggers Gone Wild" spirit I like to see! Keep those salacious innuendoes coming!

Bob: I like to think that I'm covering the graveyard shift for my West Coast blogging homies. Gotta protect valuable blog reader shares from the dastardly Europeans.

Sherri: Just what exactly are you up to over there?

Sandra | 08/19/2003 | 12:03:09 PM

The funny thing for me after going private was that I couldn't shake the idea that I had to refrain from posting personal stuff. I still struggle with that a bit, so that could be partly what is happening with you.

Still, it's very freeing, and I think it was a good move!

Susan | 08/19/2003 | 03:17:38 PM

Huzzah!

Xkot | 08/19/2003 | 03:50:15 PM

This is cool, thanks for the invite. You're much more original than me... I just copped out and used livejournal for my semi-private page.

Riss | 08/19/2003 | 09:22:46 PM

ah good, now I finally have a reason to struggle with the ol' dialup connection for 45 minutes...if not a reason to get dressed in the mornings. And does this mean hot times in the jacuzzi with your housemates? If so, I think a photoblog is in order.

Rengirl | 08/20/2003 | 01:21:08 AM

I really doubt it'll be boring. I never told you but I found an extremely old Byunomatic entry (one that was not listed in the archives). It seemed very real. I liked it a lot. I tried to find the others but Google cached pages only took me so far.

B² | 08/20/2003 | 01:25:26 AM

Bizarre! What entry was it?

dvl | 08/20/2003 | 08:21:02 AM

...which way to the host bar? :-P

BOB | 08/20/2003 | 08:00:23 PM

I still can't get over the implication that you might... let me read this again... "respect" me? ME? =)

I like the new digs, B.

B² | 08/21/2003 | 03:58:11 AM

Uh huh, you're only one of the coolest bloggers out there!

Mary | 08/21/2003 | 04:58:31 AM

I look forward to reading what you write. You always say pretty much exactly what I think. Oh, except for the "my penis is so awesome" thoughts. I don't have those.

BTW, yours is the VERY FIRST blog I've visited with my brand-spankin' new COMPUTER! :-)

B² | 08/21/2003 | 06:29:16 AM

Congrats (again) on the new computer!

And how do you know my penis is awesome? Have you been asking around?

Mary | 08/21/2003 | 06:48:10 PM

Dude, if you want to keep your awesome penis a secret, stop putting up all those billboards! Hee!

BTW, this blog is only been up 2 days and already it is the coolest EVER! I'm so glad you did this.

B² | 08/21/2003 | 07:27:27 PM

I'm liking it so far! I hope everyone else is, too.

☄

Classmates.hell

Thursday | 08.19.2003 | 08:47:45 AM

I just thought of another reason to have a private blog: no more damned former high school classmates finding this site and reading the thoughts I didn't share with them years ago because I couldn't stand their asses! This way, at my next reunion I can make up all the shit I want and nobody can fact-check me. Excellent.

- - - Comments - - -

estella | 08/19/2003 | 11:08:47 AM

I hope that "excellent" was meant to be pronounced "eggselllennnnt". Because that's how I did it.

B² | 08/19/2003 | 11:42:41 AM

E, you know me all too well. And that's "alll tooo WELLLL."

Sherri | 08/19/2003 | 11:45:30 AM

I'm boycotting my highschool reunion this year. I didn't like any of those people anyway. They didn't invite me to the last one, so why this year won't they leave me the hell alone?

Sandra | 08/19/2003 | 12:07:32 PM

High School reunions... I just don't get 'em. I left high school so I could put it and the people I knew during high school behind me. I don't have much interest in hooking up with those people later on in life. I shared a social bond with them because we were all going through mandatory education together, but the problem with seeing them again as adults is that you keep trying to sandwich them into the old social paradigm - it's difficult to see them as the adult they have become and relate to them on this new level.

I think reunions are an excuse to gossip about what has happened with people since high school, so when mine came up I sent them a blurb about what I was doing at the time, and didn't go. I really enjoyed the reunion as a result!

Susan | 08/19/2003 | 03:16:20 PM

Yeah, the best thing about my upcoming high school reunion is that I won't be there! It would be fun to be a fly on the wall, but actually appearing would be about as much fun as spending the weekend removing lint from my sweaters.

estella | 08/19/2003 | 07:24:18 PM

(this is like my thirtieth trip here today. Just because I can.)

B² | 08/19/2003 | 08:40:08 PM

I think I'd rather be, like, a lump of plastique on the wall at my next reunion. Just kidding. Actually, I liked my class. We didn't have any overt assholes, and everyone got along. On second thought, maybe I do hate those bastards for depriving me of years of high school trauma to fuel my future writing. Damn it!

Oh, I forgot to mention, this weblog automatically debits your checking account by $5 every time you visit. That won't be a problem, will it E?

dvl | 08/20/2003 | 08:34:02 AM

I am linking you to friendster as we speak... don't run, there's no where to hide. *mmwwaaaahhhaaahhaaaa*

Mary | 08/21/2003 | 05:01:58 AM

Try having an ex-husband in your graduating high school class. Who is now in the process of divorcing yet another high school grad.

The HORROR!

B² | 08/21/2003 | 06:30:24 AM

Mary: Now that is a legitimate reason to skip your reunion if I've ever heard one!

dvl: Noooooo!!!!!!!! No Friendster!!!!!!!!!

☄

The Velvet Rope

Wednesday | 08.20.03 | 01:43:06 AM

I don't know if this is true or not for the majority of people who are active on the Internet, weblogging or chatting in chat rooms or whatever, but a healthy portion of the reason I spend so much of my time interacting with people online and shunning them in person is that I am an ANTISOCIAL ASSHOLE. Always have been. It's not that I don't like people. I'm no misanthrope. I think it's more like what Charles Bukowski (or rather, Mickey Rourke playing Charlies Bukowski) said in "Barfly": "I don't hate people...I just feel better when they're not around."

Maybe if I had a thicker skin, I'd be able to deal with people better. But people get to me. I can't just shine the assholes on like some people can. They affect me. The same as how the good ones amaze me into gape-mouthed adoration. I love people, yet I hate them. I have, gosh, what do they call it? When you LOVE something and HATE it at the same time...like when you have a RELATIONSHIP with someone that is typified by extremes of LOVE and HATE...gee....

Mostly the thing I've started to hate lately is the way everyone's become so jaded and detached from life. This is going to make me sound like a mawkish teenager, but where's the passion, man? Why is it all about ironic detachment now? Are we all so afraid to feel something real? To expose our own vulnerabilities in the face of an unfeeling universe? And in case I sound holier-than-thou, I'm no different...I'm so into the "ironic" mindset (gotta have those quotation marks) that I can barely kiss a girl without thinking of some fucking Tom Hanks movie where he kisses Meg Ryan.

When did movies take the place of authentic human experience?

Truth: people scare me sometimes. I've studied their ways for three decades and in some ways I'm no closer to understanding human beings than when I was four years old. I "know" why they do things, yet I have no idea why they do anything. Maybe it's the Asperger, I don't know. It's just...going out into the world of human beans sometimes is like sticking your head into a clothes dryer. Sans fabric softener, I might add.

- - - Comments - - -

Sherri | 08/20/2003 | 07:43:30 AM

"When did movies take the place of authentic human experience?"

About the time we started using the term "real life" in regular conversation. Needing a term like "real life" means we are dealing with "fake life". We are aware of inauthenticity and know it is woven into the fabric of our existance to the point where it isn't always obvious which kind of life is which. I suspect it started in the 1950's, but that maybe because I'm watching a History channel series on that period and being glad it happened before I was born.

As for people giving you flak about having a "secret blog" -- how'd they find out? Who spoke? Who revealed? I know I've been tempted once or twice because I always like telling folks what you are doing -- because I'm a slavering minion and admire most everything you do -- but I haven't. The only reason I can come up with for having anyone getting on you about this is that either you revealed it somehow, or someone you've invited here spoke of it. I'm curious as to why either would take place.

Because I'm in a mood to be argumentative right now (just accept that I'm justifiably bitchy today and I won't have to go into grotesque detail) let's speculate that you, to protect yourself from just this sort of thing, did not hint or allude to this weblog. Let's speculate that someone one else you've invited was the source.

Now, remember, I don't know squat. I haven't a shred of anything evidential. I'm not accusing or flaming or even pointing a finger and rolling my eyes. The first person who jumps up indignant and angry and defensive would be a good suspect. I'm actually using this idea to go back to that other idea. I'll get there eventually.

Anyway, why would you want a "secret" or "private" blog? Doesn't the very nature of a weblog require you to expose all your underwear in public? You know, that whole "fuck you people, I'll say what I want" defiance thing? Well, that's the ideal. It isn't practicable for most folks, who are consciously or subconciously or unconsciously still reaching to the world for acceptance and love and approval and who will mutate themselves into whatever shape or form they think will get that love. So, let's say that's this situation. To have a place where you will really be able to get around that situation, you set up a place with people who already give you that kind of love and acceptance. Not a think wrong with that. You put it in the contract. I feel honored to be here and haven't the tiniest problem with it.

Now, there's the thing. That's a big ego boo there. Anything that's secret has the air of elitism. To be special, to be select -- what a rush! So, at the same time you call us together to give you a happy place, you create a happy place for us, too, as being special. Nice cycle. Again, not a problem in the world. Things should be great. It's like any group of friends who enjoy each other and chose not to include anyone who might spoil their fun.

Ok, so, back up one step. Is being special enough? Or is being special only enough if someone who isn't so special knows about it? Is the happy secret world not quite so happy because it is secret?

I'm not sure it's really "ironic" detachment. I'd lean more toward "cynical" and maybe "cowardly" detachment. There's good damn reason to be detached these days. A show of emotion, of real passion, of anything deeply felt and closely held opens one up for skewaring, shish-ka-bob style, with pearl onions. Why is that? Because seeing such things reminds ud that we have nothing like that inside, and we get jealous and angry?

Or scared or lonely or lost.

Those are the only reasons I can come up with, but then, right now I really wish I could have some serious pain medication and a few important answers, so maybe my attitude is bad.

estella | 08/20/2003 | 08:32:03 AM

B, I couldn't agree with you more. And I feel as though the "authentic human experience" (again with the quotation marks)of which you speak has been signified and signified and signified again inside this sort of postmodern pyramid... the problem being that the continuous resignification of true human experience or emotion with bullshit Hollywood qualifiers is about as stable as the NY Stock Exchange in 1929. You can't build something out of nothing; it inevitably has to crumble, right?

dvl | 08/20/2003 | 08:35:38 AM

(ppsstt... pass the pretzels, please)

Angela | 08/20/2003 | 08:38:46 AM

I feel ya, bro, I really do.

Susan | 08/20/2003 | 10:21:51 AM

You need to take the link down from your other site and the drop-down menu! That's what's driving people like moth to flame to After Hours, and leaving them crestfallen because they're left outside. Linking it makes it non-secret to an extent.

I had a conversation with someone yesterday about a similar subject, and I have to say...sometimes people scare me too. The society we're living in encourages people to be jaded.

B² | 08/20/2003 | 11:23:43 AM

Susan: Yeap...there's nothing so frustrating (and therefore alluring) as a locked door, is there?

I guess the problem is that I initially envisioned this After Hours thing as being open to anyone who wanted to read it. I just wanted to know exactly who they were (no employers, co-workers, family, former classmates, etc.) It wasn't until I started to actually put it together that I realized I wanted it to be more private.

So far, the only people who have said anything saw the link when it still included the "B²" and connected it to me (which I had forgotten -- but that's how they found me out, Sherri). So I'm hoping I can leave the links up now, because frankly, I find them convenient! That's how I move around this site. I hate bookmarks, don't ask me why.

B² | 08/20/2003 | 11:42:06 AM

Estella: That's it, I'm having a postmodern crash! But once you've bottomed out and deconstructed yourself into the middle of a metaphysical hall of mirrors, how do you find your feet again? Do you retreat into denial, or push forward into insanity? Or stay where you are, and hang suspended in the limbo which seems to be most people's fate these days? It's choices like these that make me reach for the bottle.

Sherri | 08/20/2003 | 11:56:48 AM

Well, there's something to be said for spending a little time enjoying insanity. It's like wallowing in a bad mood -- sometimes you just need to feel your actual emotions rather than numbing them down or pretending to feel something else.

You know, it's interesting to look at how various information carrying parts of our culture teach us things, and to figure out where these things come from. I'm particularly fond of commercials. I recently read James Gleick's book "Faster" (which i can't recommend enough) that brought up the point that children today view anything on television shown in black and white as being "slow" - not up to speed, or not as good, so to speak. I've noticed several commercials that use this idea as well. If they want to put forward an idea of slowing down, relaxing, taking time -- it will be in black and white. If they are comparing their new, wonderful product or method to other products or methods, the other products/methods will be shown in black and white. It's a subtle symbol that connects two ideas really unconnected.

You see those kinds of symbols all the time in movies. If you really break them down, you can find such things in every movie, TV show, or commercial you see -- stereotypes included. Certain shapes, patterns of cloth, colors, sounds, or styles are connected to entire catalogs of values and judgements.

And we swallow them all whole so much of the time.

Donna | 08/20/2003 | 12:04:43 PM

People I know in real life either freak me out or piss me off... I don't want them on my site. I feel like I have two personalities... actually two faces. Yes, I'm two-faced. I don't want anyone to know about both of them at the same time.** Does any of this make sense? Does this apply to what you are saying? You see, this is why I don't make comments often.

** Ofcourse the human Google Jeff is the exception.

B² | 08/20/2003 | 12:12:33 PM

Sherri: Elitism bothers me. It's something I've always fought against, mainly because it's so seldom justified. The moment I hear someone describe him or herself as an "elitist" I downgrade my assessment of their intelligence and character.

Elitism to me is the most odious kind of insecurity, the kind that bolsters one's own ego at the expense of others. Elitists think they're rising above the norm, but most often what they're really doing is lowering their perception of the norm to suit themselves. And it taints the very values that they purport to uphold.

Take your typical snob, say a classical music snob, who sneers at the masses and their pop muzak. If all of that riff-raff suddenly discovered the joys of Bach and became classical music fans, would the snob be overjoyed? No! He'd be horrified at the invasion of his private little club. At that point, the love of exclusivity has overtaken his love of music, reducing a thing of beauty to a mere symbol.

Which isn't to say that there isn't something natural and legitimate about forming groups and communities. Human beings are tribal creatures. Wasn't the whole Cain-Abel dustup basically a farmer-rancher conflict? I mean, the whole basis of Judeo-Christian society is the fact that we were kicked out of God's VIP room, and in a sense we've been trying to get back on "the list" ever since. So I guess it's impossible to form any kind of non-public group that doesn't create the appearance of exclusivity and elitism. It seems to be innate in human nature.

I definitely didn't create this blog as a special people's club (define "special" however you'd like, btw). I invited the people I did for a lot of different reasons, but basically they're all people I hold in high esteem and who I figured would "get" me and basically accept what I'm doing here. If I then think less of people who aren't invited as somehow lesser or not "blessed" then I should kick my own ass really hard.

B² | 08/20/2003 | 12:26:11 PM

Older, black & white era movies are slower! I was just thinking about this the other day when I was watching "The Ghost & Mrs. Muir." There are longer stretches of dialogue, and longer pauses in conversations, and a much more static camera, not to mention more leisurely editing rhythms.

Now, having said that, I must also say "His Girl Friday," which flings the fastballs at you so rapidly that I challenge the average 2003 moviegoer to catch half the jokes. And "Casablanca," which I think has endured for so long partly because it's so modern in its pacing.

Sorry, got a little distracted by the film geek stuff.

I guess the B&W thing is representative of what I want to avoid. I don't want to fall back on reactionary fantasies of "ye goode olde days" and disappear into symbols of a nonexistent past innocence (as an escape from postmodern confusion?!?!) which is just so much self-delusion. There has to be another way!

B² | 08/20/2003 | 12:33:43 PM

Donna: I totally know what you mean. I guess that's why I'm generally leery of taking online relationships into the analog world unless I've gotten to know the person fairly well. My online personality is not the same as my offline personality. Not that I'm a different person, just more reserved and quiet.

Sandra | 08/20/2003 | 12:51:23 PM

My feeling is that some people don't understand private blogs. They don't see the Internet as a private place to start with. The other factor is that they assume a relationship where none exists, or they require validation in the form of an exclusive invitation.

So, it's difficult to tell them the truth, such as, "Thanks for your interest, but it's just a small community of people I know well, and we are trying to keep it informal" because the person is likely to be offended.

It's almost guaranteed that they are imagining more fantastic reveals than will ever take place here, but I think removing the "B" from the After Hours listing will be enough to stem the tide now that you have decided to make things private.

As for the people who know, my feeling is that honesty is the best policy. If anyone asks that you don't know well, that's an easy one, but if you "know" them it will probably have to be a case-by-case thing.

Sherri | 08/20/2003 | 03:54:58 PM

B, I'm a self proclaimed snob on certain issues, not because I think the unwashed masses can't appreciate whatever it is I like, but because I have high standards that really irritate other people, and I have put a lot of time, effort, sweat and tears into getting to those standards. I'm not particularly "elitist", but I do tend to think that intellectual democratization is a bad idea. Lemme 'splain. Everyone has some area in which they excel. No matter how good you are in how many areas, there's someone else who's better than you. So, be good at what you are good at, competent at what you can be competent at, and get help from someone else with the stuff you suck at. That's my opinion. I don't think that anything should be diluted, "dumbed down", or otherwise simplified simply to make it accessible to some mythical "everyone". I don't see that as elitist. I see it as appreciating and preserving diversity. Everyone is special somehow. Not everyone appreciates everyone else's specialness, and that's ok.

Now, on that b/w thing. Old movies are often slower than modern films. The point I was making is that the b/w = slow has come to mean "bad". To be slow is to be bad. I can happily film geek on that one. (How about "All About Eve" as a movie where very little happens, but it happens so fast, and it's said so WELL).

You brought up another "symbol" thing, that what is old is automatically nostalgic, wonderful and ideal, and therefore automatically bad and nonapplicable to modern life. Often times I find older movies to be more subtle and suggestive, more open to interpretation and thought than a lot of modern movies. Modern films often hand you everything right up front, or are so deliberately obscure you need a glossary and code book. They don't require you to think.

Of course, there are tons of old movies that do that, too. It can't be said that thinking has always been a popular human pastime.

Now, another topic.

I met my husband online. It wasn't an online romance. We were friends until we met. Two months later we were planning the wedding. I've met a lot of people I knew from online. A few became friends. Most have vanished, unmissed and unmoarned. I think I am very much as I present myself online, only with much better grammar, but that may be a function of having BEEN online since about 1985 and of learning -- the hard way, with tons of mistakes -- not to take things that happen online too seriously. Everything online is in color and six times the speed of offline, allowing less time to think and more opportunity to speak with your foot in your mouth.

Have I mentioned I'm really enjoying this place? I mean, REALLY. Although I suspect I don't make sense most of the time.

Wendy | 08/21/2003 | 12:33:00 AM

I back you on this post. It's all too confusing sometimes. I usually say "fuck it, my blog is what it is", but then there are certain people at work that I like to remain professional with. I like those people to know as little about me as possible.

B² | 08/21/2003 | 03:09:03 AM

Sherri: Great comments. I totally agree with what you're saying, and it illustrates so well the distinction between elitism and appreciation. I wouldn't call you a snob, I'd call you an enthusiast. Your standards are there to protect the things you love, not to bolster your own ego.

Wendy: I know exactly what you mean, especially about co-workers. It's not that I have so much to hide from people I work with (well...) but I feel like it takes the relationship beyond a professional level in a way that I don't really have control over.

B² | 08/21/2003 | 04:03:31 AM

Oh, by the way, I decided to follow Susan's advice and removed the links to this site from my weblog and the Quick Menu. It really would save me a lot of explanations. I hope that doesn't inconvenience anyone.

Bob the Corgi | 08/21/2003 | 04:39:46 AM

"When did movies take the place of authentic human experience?" I once read an interesting article about the difference in the way generations experience televison: people whose childhood happened before the advent of 24/7 programming related real life experiences to what they saw on TV. People who were born in the 80s and later and who typically spent more time watching TV related what happened in real life to something they saw on TV.

It's true - my son came home from his first day of kindergarten and I asked him if he had a good day. He told me "Well, I didn't get sent to the principal's office, so I guess it was good." Real life as filtered through Saved By The Bell.

The same must be true about developing real-life expectations from the movies. Personally, I try to model myself on the Lorretta Young nun-character from Come To The Stable. I imagine that everyone will admire my serentiy and compsure if I channel Loretta. Meanwhile, I am a roiling mass of internal cynicism and insecurity.

Maybe that's the analogy here - we all carry our own secret blog inside of us and reveal it to only a few whom we trust with what is closer to our true selves.

Mary | 08/21/2003 | 05:05:35 AM

People are why I had to leave nursing. I could have 9 positive interactions, but the 10th interaction where some asshat patient or doctor verbally abused me for no reason is the interaction that stuck with me when I went home. Oh, along with a few billion antibiotic resistant microbes.

The ability of human beings to hurt others is what keeps me in front of the computer rather than attending some singles mixer, that's for sure.

B² | 08/21/2003 | 06:27:29 AM

Bob: I know that I often feel like I need to tailor myself to a particular image or mindset, and feel strange when I contradict that image. In a weird way it feels "wrong" to be ironic one moment and earnest the next. That's a problem that keeping a weblog totally underscores. I often wonder how the people who read my weblog respond when I follow up a totally jokey post with a dead serious one. Does it go against expectations?

And yes, pretty much everything I do and say is filtered through TV and cinema to some extent. I think things will get to the point where we don't even bother with dialogue, but will simply quote movie titles at each other to explain our feelings.

"When Harry Met Sally."

"Oh baby...Jerry Maguire."

"God, yes!"

Mary, I so hear you. It doesn't take but one asswipe to spoil my entire perception of the human race. And I am constantly amazed at the capacity of human beings to deliberately hurt each other for the most trivial of reasons.

Maybe that's why more people are meeting online -- you at least get a chance to get to know them a little and screen out the obvious, blatant assholes.

Mary | 08/21/2003 | 06:45:28 PM

True dat, and I am not sure if you were talking about "romantic" matches online, but I will take that ball and run with it, because I think it can be a good thing.

Getting to know someone online, you don't have the pressure, or the guesswork, or the tension. You don't have the "is he/she just using me?" because what would they be using you for? It reminds me of those relationships that started during WWII and how happy some of those (eventual) marriages turned out to be because the woman got to know the man through written thoughts.

Of course, with internet meeting people, you run the risk of their being no "chemistry" (friendship or romantic) when you meet in person.

Totally off the topic... the WWII talk really got me to missing getting letters. Remember that? There is nothing at all more romantic than writing letters to each other, or going to the mailbox and finding something from that person.

Aaah, 80's flashback

B² | 08/21/2003 | 07:26:07 PM

I like the idea of meeting people online because I'm not a serial dating type, but someone who prefers to form deeper relationships. Because of that, I tend to place more value on personality and intellectual compatibility than someone who's looking for something more casual. Physical chemistry is important, of course, but I'm looking for more than that or it's not really worth the investment of time. Getting to know someone online is a good way to cut through the surface and get a sense of what they're all about.

But I do think online romances are a different matter, because of what you pointed out. It can be awkward and hurtful to start something like that with someone you've never met, and create all these expectations and an implied commitment, and then meet and find that you're not feeling what you thought you'd feel. I'm not saying it can't happen, because I've seen it happen, but I just don't think it's a good idea in general.

Also, I totally hear ya about the letters. When Sandra and I were courting, I used to write her letters all the time, especially when I was overseas in Korea. There was something really exciting and romantic about receiving a letter and seeing the words written out by hand. I don't know if I'd remember e-mail with that kind of nostalgia.

☄

No Glove, No Love

Wednesday | 08.21.03 | 03:42:19 AM

Hannah has some lucid thots on the subject of emotional detachment.

I was talking to a (female) friend a few weeks ago about why relationships between men and women seem to be so fraught with peril. She feels the problem is the loss of old-fashioned courtship rituals in the post-sexual revolution era. It used to be (she said) that you always knew where you stood in a relationship because there were clearly defined steps to courting. Even if you broke the rules, you still knew what they were, and that gave the partners a sense of groundedness.

Not that relationships have ever been easy, but traditional courtships gave you a framework and a pathway to follow. Nowadays, nobody knows what the rules are, or where anyone's at at any stage of the process. There aren't established rituals for pursuing someone or rejecting them. So the vacuum is filled in with mind games and second-guessing and defensiveness, and both partners are so wary and self-protective that trust and openness are next to impossible.

What I know about relationships wouldn't fill a diaper, so I can't speak to the truth of that theory. But I understand the fear that Hannah talks about. The fear of looking uncool, the fear of opening yourself up to loss and heartbreak. Who wants to be their real self and risk having that self rejected? Better to keep your heart locked away and let someone else take those risks, but then when it comes to your turn you find you've lost the key to the lock.

- - - Comments - - -

Mary | 08/21/2003 | 05:08:23 AM

I wonder if the selfishness that seems so socially acceptable today has any bearing?

Seems that so many people are so egocentric. It's cool to be selfish, it's cool to have pride above all else, and being defensive is a necessary survival tool. Roll all of that into one, add a liberal dose of "yo mamma didn't teach you any basic manners or courtesy", and you have relationship disaster.

Unfortunately, opposites attract so the "givers" always seem to hook up with the "takers". Thus, the relationship is doomed.

Sherri | 08/21/2003 | 05:31:48 AM

Ive always been a throwback, i guess. I went into relationship after relationship with everything i had, tossed it down and took whatever came. That meant two abusive relationships (the first one taught me what an abusive relationship was so I could dump the second one) and assorted heartbreak.

Somehow, i never thought there was another way to do it. It's worked out pretty well.

I concur with Hannah. While some of the "rules" and "rituals" around courtship weren't always easy to deal with (and I'm refering to pre-1950's stuff) at least you were somewhat protected, somewhat guided.

Did you know that, before the 1950's, it was common to "go steady" with more than one person? It just meant someone with whom you went out on a regular basis. Everything wasn't a watered down version of marriage (think about it -- exclusive relationships start now at the junior high level). Now that commitment is the grand prize and it isn't a guarantee (once upon a time everyone expected to marry, or somehow "missed" being married), so it was fair and sensible to keep your commitment level very light and spread it around. Now, you can have everything you'd usually wait for in marriage, and in return everything has a more intense level of commitment (acknowleged or not).

Maybe we are developing a new set of rules, only we won't recognize them as such for a few more generations. That's usually how it works.

B² | 08/21/2003 | 06:14:22 AM

I wonder if the selfishness and the loss of the marriage commitment are tied together. What is marriage for, nowadays? It doesn't seem like couples recognize anything greater than themselves anymore, but think mostly in terms of their own needs. Especially since things like having kids are no longer a given. So as that self-focus grows, people become more wary of each other and again trust breaks down.

dvl | 08/21/2003 | 09:31:57 AM

"cross me once, shame on you; cross me twice, shame on me."

I'll admit that I don't wish dating on any of my single friends, especially here in LA, and when things are so blatantly different, false and manufactured as compared to just 10-15 years ago. But saying "who wants to risk their real self and risk having that self rejected" makes me very sad to hear, because what you're not admitting is that you are being rejected regardless of who's mask you're wearing - and if rejected when wearing that false mask, you may never know if just being yourself would have been the winning decision.

Also, once in an established relationship/partnership, if you believe that everything you are or do has to be for that relationship, you may lose your sense of individuality (which is probably what attratced your mate to you in the first place) and thus may become resentful, and participation in the relationship can become a contest (i.e., who does more for the relationship, who does more housework, who takes care of the kids). So, it's ok to maintain a certain level of selfishness to remind you that it's individuals that comprise the relationship/partnership.

Sandra | 08/21/2003 | 02:40:58 PM

What bothers me about modern relationships is that the motivation is so transparently clear: we're either fucking around or we're looking for marriage with a house in the suburbs and 2.5 children. There doesn't seem to be any enbetween state, and it erodes dating ettiquette by erasing the courtship phase. Now, you are considered a tease just for expecting a man to hang around for a few weeks without sex. Imagine the horror! What else could he possibly be there for?!

I'm not sure what marriage means to people these days. To me, it always meant stability, companionship, and love. Legally, it was a way to protect your children and combine assets. These days? I'm not sure. For so many of my friends, it seems to be a holy grail - "I am worthy if I am chosen for marriage" - a way to prove to others that they have conquered all frontiers. One of my girlfriends sees marriage as a way for her boyfriend to show her that she hasn't "wasted the last two years" - wtf? I asked her what else she thinks it means, and her response was that marriage doesn't mean much these days except as a way to formalize an exclusive relationship. Argh. It's technically correct, but it feels so empty.

I suppose that's why I feel listless about the idea of ever getting married again. If he can't be exclusive any other way, I'd rather end up a spinster.

I think the key to enjoying any relationship is to know thyself - knowing what makes yourself tick is actually quite difficult and often takes input from friends who notice things about you that you could never admit to yourself. However, knowing does give you an extraordinary leg up when it comes to finding people who are right for you.

Jim | 08/21/2003 | 04:17:01 PM

WMan, this is some intimidating shit.

I don't have nearly as deeply thought-out ideas about this, but I do agree heartily that it would be so much better with rules. With some kind of knowledge base article or something, I'd be able to at least not have to stab in the dark.

B² | 08/21/2003 | 04:52:39 PM

Yeah, or a standard manual or something, but not all confrontational and "get yours" like "The Rules."

Sherri | 08/21/2003 | 06:09:27 PM

I got to watch a lot of the internal workings of various marriages as I grew up. It seemed no one in my family could accomplish a successful one. My mother had 4, my brother ended his third a few years ago -- even my grandmother had a line of husbands.

I'm looking at my 10 year anniversary. My husband and I got married because it seemed like we had to -- no, not for those reasons, but because it seemed like the most obvious thing to do. It's been hard.

There have been a few times I didn't think it would last.

Is that it? Are we risk adverse? Unwilling to put in the work?

Or maybe it goes back to that Hollywood thing. A completely unreal idea of what love is has been fed to us in a constant stream. Back to that "real life" verses the movies thing.

Mary | 08/21/2003 | 06:39:45 PM

I agree with what Sandra says. However, I also recognize myself in the "if he doesn't want to marry me, I've wasted 2 years" thing. However, I don't know if I had that attitude in the past because of the "holy grail" crap, or if I just sensed that the guy really wasn't committed to me, and I used the "marriage" thing as proof that my intuition is correct. Hard to tell.

B² | 08/21/2003 | 07:12:41 PM

Sherri, I suspect a lot of it is that "unreal idea" vs. "real life" problem, at least for many people. We go into relationships with unrealistic expectations and idealized fantasies of perfect love. Or maybe we just don't think at all.

I also agree with Sandra, but like Mary I also have that attitude, even if I consciously know I shouldn't. I guess because I'm not sure what the alternative is.

Someone, I can't remember who, suggested that instead of "til death do us part" marriages, we should have exclusivity contracts, with terms varying from five years to ten years or more. Renewable, of course. As impersonal as that sounds, I wonder if that would take the pressure off of many people who fear commitment and chafe under the restrictions of marriage. I dunno.

BOB | 08/21/2003 | 08:20:20 PM

I don't know about all that, B. I wouldn't want to buy a house and have kids with a guy who would only guarantee he would be around for five years. Granted, a lot of marriages don't last even that long, but I don't think I could be happy with that.

I can certainly relate to your question: "Who wants to be their real self and risk having that self rejected?" For many years I wanted to be an actress, and I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that I felt a lot more comfortable playing another character. I wasn't afraid that people were judging me, because this wasn't me they were seeing. It was someone else.

It's still very hard for me to open up to people. Especially after establishing relationship after relationship with obvious assholes who made me feel more shitty than I already did. But I think having a blog helps me to be more honest about how I really feel and open up a bit more... even if I still want it kept a secret from most of my friends, family, and coworkers. And I know this isn't a "cool" thing to say, but my current boyfriend has helped a lot too. He's so accepting of who I am, and always encouraging me to be myself even when he doesn't understand half of the things I do or say. =) It's really helping me to get over all the years of thinking that everything that went wrong was my fault, and that I should keep my true feelings to myself, else scare the person away.

Susan | 08/21/2003 | 10:16:48 PM

Wow. I feel more strongly now than ever that I don't know what the hell I'm doing!

I'm still on the fence about marriage. It always seems like something that's far off, never near, even if I think it's something I want. There's never a right time, and there's always a hidden fear that I'm making a mistake somehow, no matter how sure I feel. The one time I got engaged, my fiancee died, so now my perspective is all messed up on the idea. To me, it's a way to protect your own interests in case your partner dies. Not being family, I had no legal say in respecting his wishes. It's also about security in that respect.

Ultimately marriage is an announcement to the world that this is a relationship you're serious about, and you're going to need some help with it. If you want kids this would definately be a factor, but I don't want any.

Since marriage is so revered in our society (even though it's not respected at the same time), it's no wonder relationships are so tough. Nobody wants to make the wrong decision, nobody wants to get divorced. And if the choices are either screwing around or playing house, then where does marriage fit in? It's become anti-climatic. And after trying for it a few times and failing miserably, it gets harder to open up. You get jaded, emotionally detached, afraid of screwing things up yet another time and having it thrown in your face by others. It gets harder to recognize the value of a genuine thing like true love.

B² | 08/22/2003 | 12:28:12 AM

BOB, you're right, the "limited term marriage" would probably not work, because most people I think still believe in the ideal of being married to one person for life. It would be hard to completely trust someone, I think, if you knew that they'd be taking off in a few years.

It makes me wonder if the next big shift in people's thinking will be to no longer think of marriage as a lifetime proposition. We already have guys like Larry King who are pioneering that concept!

Sherri | 08/22/2003 | 09:10:39 AM

Our marriage vows were "for as long as the love may last." We take that to review when things get tough.

The longer we are together, the more appealing the idea of being old together gets. I'm the one who's the most insecure about it. My husband comes from a family where everyone (with two exceptions) stayed married until death. I came from one where getting married was a competitive sport.

I have no answers about what makes a relationship works. I know what worked for me and my husband, and what didn't work for the 17-18 "serious" relationships I had up to that point. First off, you have to be fine on your own and content to live on your own forever. You can't walk around like a broken machine looking for someone to fix you. If you are broken and you do find someone who fixes you, chances are that you won't like what you turn into, and they won't like it when you undo what they did. That's what I'd come to. I'd actually decided to take a long break from dating and sex and just work on myself, doing things to make me happier with me. Two months later the love of my life showed up. It could have been 20 years. The thing is, either way would have been alright.

I think BOB has some of that going for her (no one, I think, has it completely). When two people who are ok with themselves get together, they usually can support each other and be supported.

Second, you have to be ready to deal with bad stuff without playing a role -- no martyrs, no heros, no damsels in destress, no little boys, no fem fatales, no bad guys -- none of that crap works. You have to accept that whatever is going on inside you, there's something equally convoluted and complicated and icky going on in the other person.

Third -- and this is the one we've been working on for 10 years with no end in sight -- you have to shut up and listen. Each of you, in turn. And listen means actually listening to the other person, NOT thinking about what you are going to say next, not picking apart what they are saying, not listening and assuming -- none of that is listening. To prove you were listening, you have to say "Ok, this is what I heard you say" and then actually say what you heard -- not what you memorized, but what you HEARD. And them let them correct you or themselves. Lots of times we listen in reverse -- we hear our own thoughts when the other person is speaking, but don't listen to a single word WE say when we are blabbing. Man o man, is that the most effective way to fuck up communication or what? The only thing worse I can come up with is living in silence and trying to mind read the other person. Unless you actually can mind read, you're never right because all you hear is your own negative shit piling up in your lover's voice.

Feh, that's enough wisdom out of me for the day. I'm going back to bed.

B² | 08/22/2003 | 02:19:39 PM

Sherri, that's some of the best relationship advice I've ever heard. Where were you when I was still hitched?

Sherri | 08/22/2003 | 04:28:18 PM

Clueless and trying to learn all this stuff, B. You learn this stuff two ways -- making all the mistakes you can at least twice, and watching really closely while other people make the same mistakes you did. I go through my life as if it's one big, miserable, wonderful learning experience (I feel very much like the pot of petunias).

Mary | 08/23/2003 | 12:31:43 PM

Sherri, that's brilliant. Can I quote it on my blog? (So I don't ever lose it!) If so, do you have a link so I can credit you?

Sherri | 08/23/2003 | 01:49:10 PM

I'm currently unlinkable, Mary (took my site down this year to try life without it). But you may quote, excerpt and diddle around with anything I said here as long ss no one tries to sopoena me. :>

☄

Big Loser Stories

Wednesday | 08.22.03 | 05:17:24 AM

As a change of pace, let me tell you about the first girl who ever broke my heart.

Her name was Nina Kaufman, eighth grade, Ralph Waldo Emerson Junior High School in West Los Angeles, California. The year was 1982. Nina was a lanky blonde with blue eyes and a face that could be disarmingly cute if she wasn't scowling all the time. I was a pimply dork fresh from the sticks.

(Something odd about her that I had completely forgotten until I was chatting with Wendy Darling about her site is that Nina rode the short bus to school every day. I could never figure out why she rode the short bus, because as far as I could tell there was nothing wrong with her, and normal kids didn't ride the short bus, did they? She also took Special Ed classes and the "special" P.E. class with the mentally retarded kids, yet she didn't seem disabled in any way. I never did solve that mystery, and never had the nerve to ask her about it.)

You know how sometimes you can just tell you're going to get along with someone, even before you exchange a single word? That was Nina. Why I ever thought this I don't know, because I've never met anyone whose whole demeanor screamed "stay away" louder than hers. She was about the most glum, ill-tempered girl I'd ever encountered, and her permanent expression seemed to be a glower.

It's hard to explain, but I kind of liked that about her. I had just moved to the Bel-Air neighborhood in West L.A. (right up the street from what would eventually be the Ronald Reagan compound) from Shreveport, Louisiana, and I couldn't be more of an outsider. I'd been dumped from an ultraconservative Episcopal private school into a public school where kids smoked "dope" and joined "gangs." It was like that part of "Rushmore" where Max Fischer gets kicked out of his elite private school and ends up in a...well shit, now I'm just repeating myself. You get the picture.

So, as an outsider, I naturally gravitated toward other outsiders. And Nina was definitely that. She never, so far as I could tell, spoke to anyone unless she had to. She had a couple of occasional friends from the short bus, but usually she spent her time alone.

I approached her a little bit at a time. A few innocuous "Can I borrow a pencil?" type questions, advancing to the bold yet subtle "Do you know what the test is going to be on?" and culminating in the most devastating weapon in my arsenal: "Jeez, does Mr. Robinson suck or what?"

I became obsessed with Nina. I would think about her every night as I drifted off. In my spare moments, I'd spin elaborate fantasies of Nina falling into my arms, whereupon I'd kiss her deeply, passionately, and then make sweet honkety-honk with her until the break of dawn.

Then I'd wake up, go to school, and not talk to her while kicking myself in the ass for being such a damn pussy.

One day Nina approached me during the lunch break. "Bryan," she said, "I want to ask you something."

"Guhhh...what?" I said.

"Do you...like me?" she said.

"Uhhh dabbada dabbada dabbada...ffffff....mmmm....yeah!"

I was in shock. This wasn't supposed to happen. Girls I had crushes on weren't supposed to like me back -- it was like a violation of some rule of physics. Rocks fall down, sun rises, and super groovy girls don't like me.

I remained in that state of shock throughout our brief relationship. I just couldn't get over the fact that she liked me. The fantasy had gone on for so long that the reality blew out my circuits and left me dazed and confused.

This will give you some idea of how completely clueless I was. I remember asking my friends what I should do about this Nina situation. My friend David said, "Man, take her behind one of the buildings!" So I did, but I had no idea what to do once I got there. So I just sat there with her while she looked at me expectantly.

After a few days of that, Nina dropped me like a hot brick. To give you an even better idea of how clueless I was, I didn't know why she'd dropped me. I kept bugging her for some kind of explanation, but she never said a word. Just "I don't want to talk to you."

I sank into despair. I had finally gotten up to bat, and I'd hit a pop fly that the pitcher snatched effortlessly out of the air, game over. I had received my first official certification that I was a Big Loser™.

I spent most of that summer holed up in my room, listening to bad 80's music. At one point, I stayed in bed for three days straight, and by September I'd dropped about ten pounds from not eating.

That fall, when ninth grade began, I mustered up the courage to approach her one more time to ask her what the hell had happened. She refused, again, to talk to me.

Girls, all I can say is, if you dump a guy, please give him some kind of explanation, even if it's bullshit, as to why you're dumping him. Otherwise he's just going to obsess over it for years and years.

Oh, and her father had no feet. I couldn't think of any other place to mention that, but it was sufficiently weird that I still think about that once in a while.

- - - Comments - - -

dvl | 08/22/2003 | 08:13:16 AM

this is one of the most compelling reasons I have ever heard to attend one's high school reunion.

Susan | 08/22/2003 | 02:16:23 PM

Hm. Maybe she had some sort of hidden disability, which would explain the short bus stuff and her anti-social behavior? There are a lot of various disabilities that affect people who appear otherwise normal.

Guess ol' Nina had some issues. I agree that women should tell a guy why they're being dumped. That said, I did commit such an offense once. I didn't return this one guy's phone calls that I went on a date with because there were so many things that irritated me about him, and at the time I just didn't know how to handle it. I was a total dumbass - and this is at the age of 18, so I guess you can cut little Nina some slack. I still feel bad about that guy to this day!

Susan | 08/22/2003 | 02:20:26 PM

"Sweet honkety-honk" - heeheehee! :-D

BOB | 08/22/2003 | 03:17:53 PM

Maybe she was scared of boys? I sure was. When a boy told me he liked me I just wanted to hit him with my school bag and run away.

I remember in Junior High, I did develop a huge crush on a high school boy named Jeremy Walla, whom in my head I still picture as this young Adonis. He was Native American, had this long beautiful hair, and was a lead singer in a band. Often my mom would catch me staring dreamily into space at the dinner table, and say, "Are you thinking about that Jeremy kid again?"

"No!" I'd angrily snap.

Once, after I saw his show, he walked by me and said, "Hey, Bobbie." I just about messed myself. I couldn't believe he knew my name. That was the only thing he ever said to me, but I continued to fantasize about him until he married his high school sweetheart, Amber (God, how I wished she would die!) at the age of 18.

B² | 08/22/2003 | 10:42:44 PM

Teenage crushes are the worst! Do you know whatever happened to Jeremy?

With Nina, I think it was just hardcore dweebiness that killed me. I had no idea how to relate to people, so "socially inept" didn't begin to describe how I was around girls. Not that I'm any better now....

Sandra | 08/22/2003 | 11:57:20 PM

My high school crush was on a math dork named Sean. I adored him, but he liked short, petite, dark-haired types with dark eyes. I must have seemed like a Hitler youth to him. I loved him all through high school and beyond.

We actually got to be friends, once I accepted that he was completely inaccessible. Then he lost a bunch of weight and got real popular with the ladies, and went out with one of my good friends, who fit his type to a T. I thought I would feel really jealous of her when I found out, but I didn't. I drowned my sorrows by hitting on another Hitler Youth type, who was on the swim team with me, and he said we would make "a good couple." Of course, said swimmer already went out with a cheerleader, and would have been boiled alive had she found out about our little almost-tryst, but I left that part out.

I think he briefly flirted with college, then married some gal (not Sami) and immediately churned out two kids. To say I was shocked would be an understatement. I assumed those two would get married. Weird!

Mary | 08/23/2003 | 08:02:42 AM

My high school crush ended up being best friends with me until we were in our early 20's. We were inseperable, and he was my date to prom. I never once kissed him. When he got married, I was heartbroken.

We would have never worked as a couple, but I was madly in love with him from ages 15-20.

dvl | 08/23/2003 | 03:54:11 PM

going to watch Sixteen Candles this weekend in honor of this string.

Mary | 08/24/2003 | 06:52:22 AM

16 Candles, Pretty in Pink, and the Breakfast Club! The "child of the 80's" nostalgia trilogy!

I recently bought "Fast Times at Ridgemont High". It was my first Rated-R movie. I saw it when I was 14, in the theater at the mall. Jackson Browne's "She's got to be somebody's baby" will always be one of my favorite songs.

Sigh.

Sandra | 08/24/2003 | 01:54:52 PM

Mary, it sounds like you lost a great friendship! Too bad you couldn't save a relationship out of it. Have you thought of trying to look him up again?

"Fast Times" was a surprisingly deep movie. It's a good edition for any library.

Mary | 08/25/2003 | 04:05:37 AM

We just grew apart as friends. Last year, him and his wife were going to stop in Denver on the way to Utah, but it fell through.

He's one of those people that I can go ten years without talking to him, but if I needed him, he'd be there. And vice versa. :-)

☄

Big Loser Stories

Wednesday | 08.23.03 | 02:01:16 AM

Since when were you so generous
And inarticulate
- Elvis Costello

She dumped me, but she keeps swooping in every month or so on some flimsy pretext, and each time she does that she knocks my go-cart off the track and sends me careening into the hot dog stand.

• • •

Key to Metaphors
go-cart = my heart
track = life
hot dog stand = bottle of booze

• • •

She wants to stay friends, you see. Except, in this case it's not bullshit -- she actually seems to want to stay friends. Great, but the problem is, she took my heart and used it the way a pack of hyenas might use the carcass of a wilderbeest. She did a tapdance on my heart that Sammy Davis Jr. would be proud of. She took my love and did things to it that most people only do to things sold in packages that say "Quilted for Extra Softness." I could go on, but I think you get the point.

So, I don't really want to be friends with her, at least not right now, when the wound is still seeping. But, to carry the wound analogy a step further, she keeps picking at me the way you'd pick at a scab. The last time she did this, I told her in no uncertain terms that I didn't want her to contact me, because it was fucking me up, and that I'd let her know when I felt like I could talk to her again without spending the next few weeks spraying Bactine™ on the freshly-ripped-open tear in my heart.

• • •

Key to Metaphors
spraying = drinking
Bactine™ = cheap wine

• • •

But if you've ever been where I'm at, you know how hard it is to tell the person to go away. Consciously, sure, you want them to move to Bali, or one of those South Pacific islands where volcanoes erupt often and without warning. But just underneath that thin veneer of rationality, you don't really want them to go away. You want them to stay, and preferably to tell you how wrong they were, and how much they've missed you and how they want you back and they'll give you all the oral sex you can stand if you just come back.

I feel like I'm being stalked by the person who dumped me in the first place!

She's not an evil person, just confused and not sure about what she wants. When she gave me the heave-ho, I didn't hang around or beg to get back together or stalk her or anything. I went, and I stayed away, and later when she felt all guilty and full of remorse, I gave her the forgiveness she clearly wanted, and told her it was OK and that everything was OK and not to feel bad. Which of course just made her feel worse. But what else could I say? Yeah, she fucked me up, but I can't hold it against her without being a lousy hypocrite -- I've been where she is.

Truth is, I'm too weak-willed to do what I need to do in order to resolve the situation. I can be rational and detached and tell myself what I should do and say, but it's near impossible to maintain that resolve in the presence of someone to whom you've given the secret passcode to the inner reaches of your heart.

• • •

Key to Metaphors
secret passcode = secret passcode
inner reaches of your heart = inner reaches of your heart

• • •

This is the scary side of love. You let someone in, and the next thing you know, you can be frickin' Achilles and all it takes is one arrow to your heel to send you crashing into the dust.

And now she wants access to this blog? WTF?

Kids, listen to Unca B²...if you fall in love, try not to fall in love with people who will use your heart as an ashtray. As tempting as that sounds, it's really not all it's cracked up to be.

- - - Comments - - -

Sherri | 08/23/2003 | 07:17:12 AM

Let me tell you about Danny.

I met Danny when I was 18. He was a couple of years older. He wasn't handsome, but I still fell hard. As it turned out, Danny was, shall we say, emotionally unstable, for lots of reasons. My stepfather threatened to shoot him. We broke up. I managed to forget he ever existed until, about 2 years later, I found a slip of paper with his phone number on it and remembered. I called him.

I'd moved away from my stepdad by then. Danny was my first lover. He had this habit of deciding at certain intervals that he wanted to break up with me. He'd announce this usually a few weeks or months ahead, usually to time with him changing addresses. I was bad for him, you see. I wanted too much. I was smothering him. I loved him, you see.

I gave him money, since he tended to be unemployed a lot. I let him drive my car, since his was usually broken down. I helped him move each time he moved. I loved him. We'd have terrible fights. He'd hit me. I'd lie about the bruises on my face. I'd cling to him like static electricity. I'd cry a lot. I'd drive 40 minutes every day to see him and drive home at 3 am every morning so I could get enough sleep to go to work the next day. I loved him.

One of these break-up/moves was announced a good three months before his current lease was up. When he moved, he told me, I was not allowed to contact him. I wouldn't know where he was -- he'd move on his own. But, he still wanted to have sex with me until he left. It would be good for both of us to move on, he said. I cried every day for three months. I loved him.

The day he was to move, I got a call. None of his friends had shown up to help him. He couldn't rent a U-haul. He'd hurt his back.

I helped him move. At his new place, he made me swear I'd never come back, never drive by, nothing. This was The End.

Two days later I had a date friends had set up for me -- you know, one of those situations. I'd resolved to forget Danny, to be over it. The phone rang. Danny wanted to know how long to boil hard boiled eggs. My date was standing in the living room waiting for me. Danny called back. What about soft boiled eggs?

Within two months we were back together. He lost his job, moved again, got another job. I nursed him through mono (where'd he get that?). I went through a number of bladder and yeast infections. (WTF? Where'd I get those?) We broke up a few more times. I tried at least one other relationship. If I did, Danny reappeared and we'd be together. I loved him. We'd fight frequently. Once he hit me so hard that I thought he'd broken my jaw. Why? He thought I broke his copy of a Pete Townsend album. I'd broken my own copy. His was at his place. When we were together, he'd occasionally introduce me to women who were "just friends" of his. I never caught on. I didn't know why these "friends" would be both so rude and so scared of me. I loved him.

There were two last straws (after 5 years of this). A final fight where he stormed out of my house and I, as usual, followed him to beg him to come back. I was standing in the street, my feet bare, crying, watching him drive away and I realized, suddenly, that I didn't want him back. Ever. Ever ever ever. It was like being hit with a bucket of cold water. I did not love him.

Three or four weeks later he starts calling me at work, asking me to drop by. I did. He started on the old tricks to get sex. I said i had to go. I did not even like him.

Next time I saw him was in a K-mart. He was with one of the women "friends" he'd once introduced to me. They were obviously a couple. He didn't see me. A few months after that he called me, wanting to see me because "she" was out of town. I hung up. He called back to scream at me about how immature and mentally unstable I was. I hunt up again. I hated him.

Almost everything I learned about relationships I learned from Danny. I made nearly every mistake that was to be made. I was EXTREMELY LUCKY in a lot of ways, including not contracting an STD. I went on to make a lot of these mistakes again, but each time I made fewer or different ones. I didn't know I was learning. I slept with men I didn't even know. I tried to trade sex for love. I began to dispise myself. I scared myself. And, one day, I knew I couldn't be that way anymore and not kill myself. I was learning.

I am grateful to Danny. Beyond that I feel very little. He wsa not evil. He had been pretty beaten up by his life at 20, in some very deep and sad and damaging ways. When I was with him I was wery stupid, but I didn't KNOW any of the things I learned then. I had to go through it to know what I do now. What I know now is helping me have a wonderful, happy marriage. Without my years with Danny, I couldn't have that now.

That's not saying other people have to go through experiences like mine to be happy. Other people will be great at relationships and need to learn something else, like how to hold a job or how to handle money.

But I do believe -- strongly, completely -- that every shitty, horrible experience offers a lesson. We pick it up, or we don't. Either way, we may have to go through the lesson again to be sure we've learned it. The faster you learn, the fewer times you have to repeat the experience, because you figure out what you did and you don't do it again. I don't believe I am a victim. Life isn't out to get me. Life and the universe is fairly indifferent to me -- it offers me the same stuff it offers everyone else, but I have to chose to take it or not, based on how well I'm paying attention.

Damn, now you have all the wisdom I've gained (whoo hoo, everyone celebrate, where are the Oreos?) EVERYONE has a shitty, terrible experience story. Many people have suffered and striven and tried and failed or succeeded without realizing it.

The gift, the real gift of it is believing that every single shitty, stinky, fucking awful event is another step, another chance to learn, another moment. It may take years for you to see it. It's hard hard hard hard to get that mindset to be with you while things are happeneing (I have had too much practice and I'm not saying I do it all the time).

Time. Time to stop typing.

Mary | 08/23/2003 | 08:03:58 AM

Who is she? Who is this horrible woman? I put a curse on her, and spit on the ground to seal it! PTOOI!

Mary | 08/23/2003 | 08:11:45 AM

OK, still mad. Must rant more.

First of all, she's being selfish. You told her that it hurt you to have her keep popping back. She's doing so to keep you on the back burner, so she can fire things up again whenever she wants to. Selfish!

And why would you want to be friends with someone who hurt you in (what it sounds like) a purposeful and callous way. She obviously has no empathy, and cares not for the damage she leaves in her wake.

She is obviously one of "the people". You know, people not like us. She is like most people, where her feelings and whims are her sole focus. That doesn't make her evil, it makes her normal. Normal people are dangerous to people like us.

Run as fast as you can. This woman may not have bad intentions, but her ignorance of her own will and selfishness will suck you dry. And not in a good way.

Besides, isn't a bonus of reaching our mid-30's supposed to be that we don't have to DEAL with people who are "confused and not sure what they want"? Weren't we supposed to be able to leave that kind of stupid annoying drama behind when we left our mid-20's and became, oh, I don't know, an ADULT?

You're too good for her. Also, she is not respecting your boundaries even when you told her that her actions are causing you pain. Selfish to the n'th degree.

Give her the permanent boot.

Mary | 08/23/2003 | 08:17:24 AM

OK, that was judgmental of me, wasn't it. Yes, it was! It just pisses me off when some stupid fucking GIRL gets ahold of one of the "members of the holy grail" and doesn't respond with awe and reverence. What is a member of the holy grail? Why, an intelligent, funny, manly and sensitive man! Like the duck-billed platypus, a man who is a MOTHG (member of the holy grail) is said to exist, we see pictures and hear stories, and (like now) sometimes stumble over one who exists online, but most women have never seen one in person.

So this woman finds Bryan, a definite MOTHG, and she throws him back?!?! WTF? That's like finding a Strativarius in your attic and using it for kindling!

On behalf of women everywhere, I'm shocked, horrified, and ANGRY about this woman's squandering of the resource that is rarest of all in this country: A GOOD MAN!

Fucking bitch.

/rant

Sherri | 08/23/2003 | 11:13:20 AM

Mary,

Most excellent ranting!

Mary | 08/23/2003 | 12:28:42 PM

Thanks Sherri. I'm especially pleased about being able to reference the duck-billed platypus.

Sherri | 08/23/2003 | 12:28:42 PM

Yah, I gave you extra points for that one. You also got a point for Instant Acronym. I think you could rant on at least a national level, if not Olympic class. :>

Sandra | 08/23/2003 | 02:56:29 PM

Not evil? NOT EVIL?! I'm sorry, but she is the lowest form of evil demon. She's like some sort of intelligent tornado that has banshees and bobcats swirling around in its vortex. Sensitivity is not in her vocabulary, concern for the feelings of others is not even something she can fake.

Mary was not scathing enough in her denouncement of this she-beast, this festering scab on the face of womanhood. It doesn't even matter if Mr. B is a good man, the woman is just evil and she poisons everything she touches.

The fact is, she wouldn't back off even if you told her in plain terms (as I have) that it is harmful, that all she does is create pain, and the reason is BECAUSE SHE LIKES IT. She likes to cause others pain, which is why she forces them to forgive her even after she has cut off their head and shat down their neck.

The flames of hell are not enough for her, in my opinion. Birds enlessly feasting on her intestines is not enough. When I think of an appropriate punishment, I will let you know. It will probably involve weevils, razor blades, and citrus products, but I'm not sure.

estella | 08/23/2003 | 03:01:15 PM

I LOVE THESE WOMEN RIGHT HERE.

Hey! Let's form a commune!

Sherri | 08/23/2003 | 03:57:58 PM

Sandra, most expressive!

I find the only way to deal with such people (I think the self help term "toxic" applies, although I also call them vampires) is to cut them off. Stop being nice. Stop being anything. They thrive on attention and are attracted to any source of it like flies to garbage. If you aren't willing to give them attention, they have to find other sources.

You know what? It IS as easy as that. Kick in the self preservation instinct, the one that says "Hey, stupid, don't put your hand in the fire! Don't drink from the bottle marked poison! Don't step in front of fast moving cars!" Don't associate with soul stomping, life sucking people once you know where they are. You may not be able to stop them sharing your space, but you can stop giving them your emotional energy. It's called "having other interests". When they call, you don't answer. If they trick you, you say "Sorry, I don't have time for you, bye." Let them call you names -- who cares? Let them whine and plead and send you things. Send them back or donate them. Treat them the way you do anything dangerous that enters your life -- reduce your contact, seal up the cracks, pump in good stuff so there's no room for bad.

Don't puzzle over it. Say "no, sorry, you are bad for me, please stop." Then "I said stop." Then "Do you not grasp NO?" After that, go for the restraining order.

I preach this a lot. You are only a victim if you chose to be a victim. yes, someone else can attack you, hurt you, do horrible things to you, but you DON'T HAVE TO BE A VICTIM. You get over it. People have gotten over some terrible, horrible, awful, unbelievable stuff and go on successfully. They do it step by step, inch by inch. They do it by not playing the victim, by stopping the blame game, by saying "Hey, that sucked and it hurt and man, I'll have to get over it, but I can, so don't bug me."

As for toxicgirl, no one can change her. She will continue what she's doing as long as it gets her what she wants. When it stops being successful she will either change tactics, self destruct, or -- if she's really lucky -- find that she has to do something else with her life besides depend on others to feed her.

And remember that hating someone gives them just as much of you as loving someone. When what she does no longer matters -- when you say "Hey, yeah, she broke my heart once when I let her in, but she's out now and it's my heart, I choose for me and I've chosen to move on." -- you'll find her an interesting story from your past, something to tell others in hopes they will learn what you learned. Nothing more. Buddhist detachment works.

All that said, the "festering scab on the face of womanhood" remark was REALLY evocative!

dvl | 08/23/2003 | 04:06:59 PM

'Patience is the Companion of Wisdom.' -- St. Augustine
Key to metaphors:
patience = restraining order

BOB | 08/23/2003 | 10:47:47 PM

I agree with Sherri. It sounds like this girl craves attention and drama.

And/or she's intimidated by your enormous man-meat.

B² | 08/24/2003 | 02:29:37 AM

Thanks for the support, ladies. Although...holy grail? Clearly someone who has not met me in person! As the Grail Knight says in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, "You have chosen...poorly." ;)

And BOB, you may be right about the man-meat. Around my waist, that is! Oof!

Mary | 08/24/2003 | 06:48:53 AM

"... She is the lowest form of evil demon. She's like some sort of intelligent tornado that has banshees and bobcats swirling around in its vortex."

BRILLIANT! Dogdamn, but have I ever met people like that!

I didn't let loose on my full "she's an evil bitch" thing because 1) I've learned that if the person is still in the "making excuses for the heinous actions of the other person" phase (saying things like "She is confused about what she wants") that to insult the devil person would put the other person in the position of wanting to defend him/her. (My bad: I should have given B more credit than that!) And 2) if the person gets back together with uberbitch, they never really forgive you for saying mean things about their preciousssss. (Again, should have given B more credit).

I'd bet Sandra is very objective, and if she dislikes the woman that much, then I can henceforth unleash venom against what's-her-name with impunity! ;-)

I'm with Estella (and B's comment earlier in the past few weeks): We really need to form a commune or our own country. Kind of cult-like, except no sleep deprivation and no kool-aid or nike tennis shoes and warm-ups involved! ;-)

Sherri has some great insights too. I have to wonder if the She-Satan-Spawn is motivated by more than attention. I've known male equivalents of her, and I've come to the conclusion that some people need to hurt others in order to feel good about themselves. I think in many it's a subconscious thing. They just get this warm tingly feeling when they see someone else in turmoil over them. "Oh, I must be Ms. Thang, because look at the way I turned his heart into ground beef!" It validates them somehow. I also honestly believe that people like that are the same as wife beaters and child molesters in that they very rarely ever change.

B², I will shock you one last time with this statement: I have never seen an Indiana Jones movie. Nor have I ever seen a Rocky movie.

Now scurry away and go pick a site for our commune! I personally vote for Colorado (we could have a mountain compound!) but you can look in Washington too. Colorado is way too sunny for me.

estella | 08/24/2003 | 11:46:00 AM

As long as it's a "compound", I don't care where it is. I keep getting in bar fights so I need to get underground pretty fast.

Sandra | 08/24/2003 | 01:52:24 PM

Mwa ha ha! Mary, you are too generous. I am not objective when it comes to HER. It doesn't take much to set off my "This is a Soul Sucking Bitch" meter, and the bells were clanging as soon as this succubus entered the scene!

I speak my mind to friends - if they get back together, it's their own choice and/or funeral, and if they choose to let my comments cause a rift, then our friendship wasn't as strong as I thought. Similarly, I expect my friends to have differing opinions than me about men... after all, they are my friend partially because they won't steal my boyfriends! (grin).

The key is that you don't force the friend to choose. You warn them for their own good, tell them you think they should dump the girl or guy and leave no forwarding address, then sit back and watch the carnage if they ignore you.

I expect my friends to speak up to me. I was absolutely appalled recently when no one said a thing about a guy I was dating. Clearly, it was a disaster, but I was deluded, and no one said anything, because they figured I wouldn't want to hear it. Well, maybe not, but at least it would make me think. I ripped them all a new asshole afterwards, so now I get a buttload of opinions for every move I make! Ha ha.

B² | 08/24/2003 | 1:56:05 PM

I hear Montana has a thriving market in underground compounds, as long as you don't mind having white supremacist militias as neighbors! In any case, wherever we set up our commune, it'll apparently have to be far, far away from any bars.

Mary, how did you get through the 80's without seeing one single Indiana Jones movie??? Where I came from, it was a high school graduation requirement!

Re: Ms. Thang...she had some intimacy issues. She was the master of the "it's nothing" response and the ol' "I love you/don't talk to me" switcheroo. I know I'm better off without her, but it's those other, non-psychotic moments that I miss.

Sandra - in my defense, had I known about the "so small penis" I would have spoken up much sooner!

Wendy | 08/25/2003 | 12:23:45 AM

I feel like I may be like this girl sometimes in that I have trouble leaving someone cold turkey if I think they are really great. I'll know it won't work out, but it's so hard to just let them go. After reading all these comments, though, I'm starting to hate myself for it.

Mary | 08/25/2003 | 04:04:05 AM

Wendy, don't hate yourself for it! I've been the same way more times than I can count. I'm not going to beat myself up for not being objective in love!

However, by not being objective (and not listening to my friends) I've caused myself months and YEARS of unnecessary pain. NEVER AGAIN! (Of course, it took me til the age of 35 for that to sink in)

Sherri | 08/25/2003 | 05:52:16 AM

You know, Mary, there are blessings to reaching 35. I strongly believe that one's brain actually matures a little more. Things that seemed so vital, important, world-shaking, even, when you were 25 now look completely stupid, brainless, pointless -- you wonder why you wasted your time.

I would not go through my teens or my twenties again for money (unless I could take everything I know now with me -- SOO many things would have been different!)

Sandra | 08/25/2003 | 11:44:36 AM

B, the "so small penis" should have been indication #1, but I was trying to be generous. However, I have certain standards that must be upheld! Er... no pun intended.

Mary, if you ever watch the fascinating "7up" (and 14up and 21up and so on every seven years) British documentary series, it's fascinating to note that the people in the study seemed rebellious at twenty, confused in their thirties, and serene in their forties. Unless they were lying, most people had it figured out by then. Frankly, I'm kind of looking forward to my forties.

Keely St. Clair | 08/26/2003 | 09:17:54 AM

I wouldn't be 21 again for anything.

Anyway, you know how when someone gives you the "breeze back through and tear out your heart again on the way by" treatment, and you tell yourself that they just don't realize how they're affecting you?

They realize.

☄

Big Loser Stories

A day | 08.25.03 | 08:55:37 AM

If you want to preserve your favorable impression of me, skip this entry. Serious character flaws about to be discussed.

I'm a deeply angry person. I've been this way my whole life, as far as I can recall. In pre-school, I got into trouble all the time for hitting other kids. Babysitters couldn't stand me because I hit them, or their siblings, or their kids. I was like Calvin without Hobbes's humanizing influence.

I hated everything and everybody. I hated my parents, who were strangers to me (they left me in Korea with my grandparents when they emigrated to the U.S., and sent for me when I was 3). I hated them for abandoning me, and I hated my grandparents for sending me away.

Not that I was totally unpleasant. I was actually quite the charming kid, and adults loved me for the most part, because I was precocious and well-behaved and had the eerily grown-up demeanor that's typical of Asperger kids. I just had this other side that came out from time to time, and I'd lay a hurtin' on some poor kid, and then I'd be cute 'n cuddly Bryan the Human Tickle-Me Elmo again.

At some point I got enough of a handle on it so that I quashed the violent tendencies. I haven't been in a fight since high school, and that incident was so pathetic it was more of a "tiff" than anything else. Nowadays, instead of lashing out I lash inward and grow a tumor. Take that, pancreas! Oh, you want some more? BAM! Malignant melanoma! How you like them apples?

But I still have a short temper (courtesy of my dad, a.k.a. Mr. Zero to Rage in 0.2 Seconds) and a tendency to silently brood long after the reasons for anger have passed (courtesy of my mom, a.k.a. Mrs. Quiet Grudge Collector), which is like the worst of both worlds. I've been learning over the years to understand the anger and deal with it, but it's still a difficult issue. I realized something about it last night (courtesy of Sandra, a.k.a. Long-Suffering Saint), which is why I'm writing about it now.

I spent my early years mostly alone. My parents moved around so much that I rarely spent more than a few days at any one pre-school or kindergarten. I was an antisocial kid to boot, so even when my parents finally settled down and I could figure on seeing the same faces for more than a couple of consecutive weeks, I stayed mostly to myself. So I didn't get socialized like most kids did. I didn't learn how to express emotions around other people. When I got mad at something, I just got mad. I didn't have to learn any other response than simple, pure anger.

What I missed out on, I think, is the ability to articulate my feelings. For instance, if I inadvertantly say something hurtful to someone, they might say "Hey, that hurt my feelings!" or "That wasn't very nice!" or even "What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" They'll say something to signal me that they've been harmed in some way, giving me a chance to respond and make amends. But when I'm the offended party, I never give out that signal. I let the angry response flare up inside me without resistance or oversight, and then it just comes pouring out. I'm already at "Fuck you, asshole!" before they even realize something's wrong.

I guess a proper response to anger is something you have to train yourself to give. I have to get used to reflexively acknowledging other people and their feelings. Neither of my parents handled anger well, either. My dad returned fire for fire in equal measure, and my mom just silently absorbed all of it as if whatever you'd said -- and you -- never existed. So the idea that you can express anger in a way that invites compassion ("I feel hurt") has never occurred to me.

I have a ways to go before I become someone you'd want to be around for extended periods of time, but I feel like I've taken an important step in that direction.

Now, if I can just stop compulsively blowing up fuel pipelines and national electrical grids every time I get ticked off, I'll be well on my way to emotional health.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL:
DATE: 08/25/2003 10:41:47 AM
You'll make it. Knowing about it is step one. Wanting to change is step two.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 08/25/2003 12:38:22 PM
The crap you dealt with growing up really pisses me off. And I don't even know you! So I can't imagine how much anger you have.

The fact that you have taken the time to try and figure out how your anger affects those around you says wonderful things about your heart and character.

A person can learn to drive a car. Learn to neuter a cat. Learn to needlepoint. A person can also learn how to communicate effectively. And if you ask me, just about the entire world needs some lessons!

If you run across any good books let me know. It's a big secret, and I know you would have never figured it out on your own because I hide it so well *snicker* *snort*, but I have a few issues with anger myself.

;-)

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 08/25/2003 12:39:03 PM
Neuter a cat? What tha...

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.24
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/25/2003 01:00:02 PM
Neuter a cat? Heck, why not -- beats needlepoint!

But yeah, I figured I had a kindred spirit in the anger arena. ;) Let's "increase the peace" and channel our anger into more productive forms -- like blasting the Republicans!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL:
DATE: 08/25/2003 02:26:28 PM
You might be amazed how many people have "issues with anger". I know I did until a few years ago (I'll sum for you -- there's a nice large dent in the drywall of my house from where I ran my head into it because a particular upcoming holiday was stressing me.)

I have friends who's entire lives have been poisoned by their anger, who live on broken glass. Even when things are going well, they LOOK for things against which to direct the anger that boils inside them. It's like they live on a lake of magma and it will explode volanically anytime the pressure builds. How the hell do you cool the magma?

I suspect that it's in part a function of age -- eventually you just don't have that kind of energy to waste anymomre. There are the source issues to deal with which means a hell of a lot of inside work, work with yourself learning to understand, to forgive, to unplug from the past, to get over it. That takes time and effort, a lot of talking to others and to yourself, maybe even talking to a professional therapist.

And there's the huge, important step you've already taken -- grasping your own set of buttons and learning what trips them off, then practicing how to take the power away from those buttons. Remembering that no one reads your mind and will only know what you are feeling if you say something right that minute. Taking that risk to say something by accepting that if you lose a particular person because you did, they weren't really worth having around, and trusting that maybe that person is good enough, trusthworthy enough, strong enough, WHATEVER enough to accept you with your feelings.

Last biggie is to realize that no one needs to justify how they feel. Every feeling is valid, whether you like it or not, whether you understand it or not, whether you think the cause is "enough" or not. Don't accept invalidation of your feelings from others and don't invalidate the feelings of others.

The one phrase a person can say that will have me leave the room (as I now do instead of bearing my teeth and ripping out their throat) is "You shouldn't feel that way."

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL:
DATE: 08/25/2003 02:31:21 PM
Mary,

Good books -- pick up most anything by Caroline Myss. Yeah, I know she's a New Age guru type -- she's also a tough minded practical person who believes completely that there comes a time to take responsibility for your own problems and get over them. And she's got some very practical and doable advice on how to deal with your shit. She pissed me off regularly, mostly because I find her to be so right. When I listen to her or read her (Get her stuff on tape or CD if you can -- you have to hear her) it's like listening to that wise old aunt who won't accept your whining and makes you hear it for what it is. You hate it when she says it, but later you realize it was the best tough love you could have gotten.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.134.75.244
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 08/25/2003 08:29:53 PM
B, your behavior is more normal than you realize... a lot of men are the same way. In general, men are more comfortable expressing their negative emotions with anger (women usually do this with private sadness and tears... usually). Whether it's just more socially acceptable or more to do with genetics, when you allow your feelings to build, your release of choice is anger. That doesn't make you evil, it just means that (as you said) you need to say what's on your mind instead of letting it build. That is something I have a lot of problems with too. If you find an easy way to change that, let me know, okay? I'd really appreciate it!

;-)

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 67.106.83.29
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 08/25/2003 10:04:32 PM
Your childhood self reminds me of Ned Flanders before he was introduced to the Spankological Protocol.

I'm kind of the inverse of you, in a way. A happy child, then an extremely shocked and angry teenager. In 7th grade, I'd sometimes be angry for days and not say a word.

By the time I reached my twenties, something weird happened. I started to enjoy being angry. I was still angry, but it wasn't the animal kind of anger I used to have. It was more controllable, and it motivated me to do things. Sure, often they were worthless things, like participating in usenet flamewars and writing insulting songs about my friends, but it still felt kind of good. And unlike the early anger, I expressed it relatively quickly. If I saw something or someone I didn't like, I said something about it right away. Sure, it made me look like a total bastard and probably cost me a lot of potential friends, but it made me comfortable for the moment.

Now, I have problems that anger can't solve. (But you might be surprised how much can be plowed through through pure aggression.) So I've failed to pick up the skills to solve these problems. Also, its absence has left room for depression to creep in, which freaks me out.

I'm angrier than average now, but the kind of anger I experience these days is nothing close to the true anger of the past. (Although I am pretty quick to return perceived fire.)

Still, I wish I had it. What's the point of an antisocial misanthrope that's not angry? He who lives by the sword would be more comfortable dying by the sword. It's like being a lifelong painter whose hands are cut off. Etc.

Anyway, despite your rapid flare-up time, it looks like you have a pretty reasonable social life with plenty of friends and long-term relationships with women here and there, so keep it up! Or something.

Hey, what's the burger and soft drink icon mean? As opposed to the martini glass?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Wendy
EMAIL: wendy@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 66.214.75.16
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/wendy
DATE: 08/26/2003 12:51:43 AM
Do you find that when you get angry your skin turns green and your shirt rips off? Maybe the solution to your anger is in the ending to "the Hulk". You just need to face off with your father over a lake somewhere in the desert. Or face off with Nick Nolte. Just remember to always wear undies with good elasticity.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.2
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/26/2003 04:02:57 AM
BOB...yeah, I guess I am typically male in that I don't really like verbalizing my feelings. Nutty as it sounds, it feels kind of emasculating to have to say something like "you hurt my feelings just now." Because what I'd really rather be doing is, like, smashing something! Plus, when I'm pissed off I usually want to just retreat into my cave until I've cooled off, whereas women usually seem to want to talk about it right away, so I'm rarely in the most receptive mood.

Jim...I've gone through a similar process, I think...from being angry without an outlet to finding an "acceptable" outlet and channeling it, and finally to running up against those problems that anger doesn't solve (or that it worsens). And I totally know what you mean about being a non-angry antisocial misanthrope. As someone who's antisocial but still likes people, I don't know what to do with myself.

Wendy...both Nick Nolte and my dad are getting up there in years, so I think I could take 'em.

By the way, the icons represent whatever self-destructive activity I'm engaged in at the time of writing the entry. The burger and soft drink represents junk food of some kind, whereas the martini, sadly, represents pretty much what you'd figure.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 08/26/2003 05:12:56 AM
I'm kind of like Jim. I have mellowed with age, but still enjoy being angry. Because, my outlet is ranting on my blog. And I usually crack myself up when I do so!

To read my blog, you'd think I was much angrier than I really am. Yes, I still have issues, but now it's settled down to getting annoyed easily.

I use my anger as an excuse to make jokes, so I guess I do kind of enjoy it in that respect.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.117.192.66
URL: http://theshakedown.diaryland.com
DATE: 08/26/2003 02:39:10 PM
Angry people are fucking hilarious. Office Space, the movie... every working stiff's wet dream.

But seriously, that's pretty sad about your childhood, B. Come here and get a hug or two. Also, I've found that screaming at the top of my lungs while I'm in the car reeeeeally helps.

☄

Webloggers I Consider Complete Tools #1

A day | 08.26.03 | 05:51:48 AM

Today I take a break from the long-winded confessional rambling to serve up some of the good stuff, the stuff that justifies all this password protecting: bitching about fellow webloggers, and naming names!

(And yeah, I know this is mean-spirited, but you can't stop yourselves from reading it anyway, can you, you naughty, shameless voyeurs??)

First up against the wall is Jish, of Jish.nu.

Jish, in my humble opinion, is a complete tool.

Now, harping on Jish is, to some extent, like bashing the Teletubbies. He's so completely inoffensive and "nice" that one understandably wonders what he could possibly have done to arouse someone's ire. And I'm not saying he's the biggest asshole on the Internet or anything. That honor would have to go to Matt Drudge.

The reason I can't stand Jish is that he's the epitome of the mediocre A-List weblogger. If you follow his blog for any length of time, you emerge with 4-6 still-active brain cells and the following observations:

• He is the most shameless blogwhore on the planet;

• The quality of his content is so disproportionate to his popularity that any newcomer to the weblog community would conclude that the most prized element of a successful weblog is trivial minutiae rendered in the most boring manner possible;

• He is a shallow, inconsequential boob;

• He is, seriously, the most shameless blogwhore on the planet.

But don't take my word for it. Look at these randomly selected entries from his weblog:

• • •

Knowing Your Man.

I was having dinner at a Mexican restuarant this evening when I overheard a woman whispering to her waiter:

Will you please bring my husband a few extra napkins? Oh, and also ... please don't give him any beans.

I sat by myself and quietly chuckled.

• • •

HAW HAW HAW! Damn, this guy is the wittiest observer of human foibles since Voltaire!

• • •

capitolofworld.com has decided they are going to determine which city will be the "Capitol of the World" according to your votes (out of a teeny selection of cities). What a crock. The "winner" will be announced on December 31, 2000.

If they can proclaim a Capitol of the World, I am going to start a site where you can choose the "Ruler of the World" - there will be two options: Jish and Jish.

• • •

Get it??? You can pick Jish or Jish...either way, Jish is the Ruler of the World! *LOL* *ROFL* Is it any wonder this guy gets 10000000000 visitors a day?

Further justifying my Jish-tagonism is the fact that a good friend of mine has actually met Jish in person and confirms that he is a glad-handing, shallow bore.

Is my contempt for Jish in some measure due to professional jealousy, since he commands ten times the audience that I do? Sure! But I feel my outrage is utterly justified, on behalf of every blogger who puts his or her blood, sweat, and tears into cranking out what we hope will be entertaining content, then seeing guys like Jish who pump out these little blog farts to the applause of thousands of wanna-be blog whores!

Man, I fuckin' can't stand this guy. I don't hate him, because I mean, come on, how can you muster such a strong emotion as hate for someone so inert? But he annoys me. I have no respect for him. Also, I've completely dropped bloggers I have formerly respected, for name-droppping Jish and admitting to socializing with him.

In summary, Jish = complete tool.

• • •

UPDATE: I forgot to mention this earlier -- Jish further reveals his vapidity by praising Netflix's recent abysmal, Photodisc-happy, usability-impaired, circa 1997 redesign. What a tool!

UPDATE #2: I also have it on good authority from someone who has met Jish in person that he is a homunculus with all the manly presence of Herve Villechaize.

UPDATE #3: This just in -- my source from the above update informs me that Jish not only exudes the spirit of Herve Villechaize, but actually physically resembles the diminutive "Fantasy Island" star as well! Truly a sad, warped little mini-man is Jish.

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.2
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/26/2003 06:05:06 AM
Full disclosure: Jish has actually linked to me in the past (when I was doing AsianBastard.com), giving me much-needed exposure, so not only am I an asshole for bashing him, but I'm an ungrateful asshole as well.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.171.197.59
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 08/26/2003 06:38:53 AM
Haha! Oh, my God... that totally made my morning!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Bob the Corgi
EMAIL: bobthecorgi@hotmail.com
IP: 12.175.113.35
URL:
DATE: 08/26/2003 07:55:51 AM
Oh boy - finally something I'm good at: criticising others. Is this thread limited to bashing bloggers only or can it be expanded to include dopey internet projects as well?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL:
DATE: 08/26/2003 08:47:39 AM
::grin:: You know, I don't believe in reciprocal linking -- it's like buying votes or bribing people to like your kid. When I had my site (in the deep dark past of 2002) I linked pretty strictly to the sites on my bookmarks. I got links from a few folks who knew and liked me. I never asked for a link. I feel all fucking honorable for that. I think that linkage of any type is a sort of compliment for which you say "thank you". It is not a medium of exchange.

I'll have a lot of trouble doing any kind of bashing or critising, because, honestly, if I don't like it, I don't read it ever, ever again. Thus, online blogs or sites I don't like don't exist in my little world. It's nice that way :> Makes me feel powerful.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/26/2003 10:03:51 AM
It's the "asshole" that sold me, but it's the "ungrateful" that I love.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.201.178
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 08/26/2003 10:11:59 AM
Jish is just too...man, I have trouble bashing him. It's like bashing a Care Bear or something (who strangely seem to be making a comeback - I saw a large display of Care Bear things at a Media Play store last week). But I'm totally with you on these bloggers that get hoards of readers and praise when they're about as interesting as dry Wonder bread.

Kottke comes to mind. Last I look he still had that same stupid design from 1996, and was still cranking out the same old boring content. Yet people still cream their shorts over the guy and deem him to be "important". Blargh. Yeah, he's old school and worked on Blogger, but that doesn't make him a fun blog to read.

Now God Damn Dear Diary...that's a fun blog to read. Why the hell don't you have 10 million readers like milktoast Kottke? Seriously, the blogosphere is wacked!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.201.178
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 08/26/2003 10:12:42 AM
I mean Dear God Damn Diary. Goddamn!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL:
DATE: 08/26/2003 11:39:29 AM
You know, I think it's the same sort of thing that makes weird hairstyles, clothes, cars -- nutty stuff, stuff you don't understand -- into the "cool" things that everyone has to have. It's a mental thing, something I've never really grasped (I was never "cool" and, after a certain point, never wanted to be.)

For whatever reason, some group of people decide that whatever it is has become the Thang.

Do you ever find yourself in a group of people who all have some Thang they are crowing about, only you don't see the deal? Maybe you are embarrassed, thinking it reveals something bad about you that you don't like this Thang, or that it will lose you connection to the group you're in, so you fake it. You pretend. Now you are associated with the Thang. Maybe you have the same cache with others.

I like obscure weblogs and sites, ones that lots of people don't visit. You see, I believe the lowest common demonenator is evil. It promotes mediocrity. When something appeals to too many people, it usually means it only has a little appeal -- just enough not to offend anyone or make them do anything about it. It's tolerable to a wide majority but really wonderful to only a few. It's middle of the main road. It's like eating food from a cafeteria restaurant that specializes in senior citizen specials -- it's not too spicy, not too hard, not too exotic, not too bad, but not too good.

When a website I like starts getting major hits, I get suspicious. Ok, it's possible all these people could share my exquisitely good taste, my fine aesthetic sense, and my exceptional ability to identify high quality. But I like to think that what I like is more rarified, more of an acquired taste, not something for mass consumption. Ok, so maybe that makes me an elitist or a snob, but I don't think so, because someone else with equal discernment will like something I don't, and I'm fine with it. I like to think I'm promoting diversity. I'm refusing to accept All American Bland.

You see, my having a high opinion of my own high opinion is not contingent on having to declare someone else's opinion as wrong. I can be perfectly confident all by myself.

It's tough on the other side, tho. I know it. One of the many reasons I took down my web journal (and there were a long list of reasons) was that I realized I was talking to myself -- few people read it and even fewer ever responded to anything I said. After almost four years,I killed the site. And I don't regret it. It was one less thing about which to feel rejected. So I understand very deeply at least one reason a weblogger wants hits.

I still prefer websites that aren't "too" popular. Keeps them sharp. Popularity, I think, is poisonous to creativity, leading to parody and self exploitation -- but that's another lecture.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 08/26/2003 12:47:48 PM
Hilarious! And I've never even heard of the asshat.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.8.165
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 08/26/2003 01:43:40 PM
I hate the new Netflix design! I liked the old one better.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: hannah
EMAIL: hannahw@med.umich.edu
IP: 141.214.129.70
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/misshannah
DATE: 08/26/2003 02:15:25 PM
I too, have never even heard of the asshat. Mary, are you a straight doper, by any chance?

B, the only thing your critique is missing is a link so we can see the asshattedness for ourselves and agree all that more wholeheartedly.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.117.192.66
URL: http://theshakedown.diaryland.com
DATE: 08/26/2003 02:30:37 PM
Mary took the words right out of my mouth. bitch

But I love the way you bash, B.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rengirl
EMAIL: imac@pixelsensei.com
IP: 12.22.65.5
URL:
DATE: 08/26/2003 02:58:18 PM
I've heard of him and I've seen his site. It didn't really grab me and never visited it again. I really have no opinion of it other than that... it's just... there.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jeff
EMAIL: tambrnman@hotmail.com
IP: 68.69.20.166
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/intersensei
DATE: 08/26/2003 05:59:02 PM
ABOUT JISH
Facts about me:

- I HATE when people gossip about me.

mwahahahahaha!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.8
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/26/2003 06:04:11 PM
That's just another reason why he's a tool!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 67.106.83.29
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 08/26/2003 07:05:20 PM
Like Sherri said: There's nothing wrong with being underground!

I just looked at jish.nu, and I liked some of the links but have no idea why it would be so popular. Just like the Foo Fighters or Blink 182 (except that there's *absolutely* nothing redeeming about Blink 182).

So Jish is like Blink 182/Foo Fighters, etc. But there are popular weblogs and bands that I can understand and think are perhaps deserving of their "success," like LYD and Metallica (black album era, newest stuff).

You're like Slayer. Pretty popular, actually, and long-standing and respected. Less fans than Ernie or Jish (or Metallica or Blink 182), but the fans you have are die-hard and are unlikely to "grow out of it."

And just maybe: Some of those fans will carve your logo into their flesh, then set it on fire.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 67.106.83.29
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 08/26/2003 07:08:09 PM
Not that anyone cares, but one clarification:

"Metallica (black album era, newest stuff)."

By that I mean those albums gained/maintained them their mega-popularity, and I could see why it did. I am by no means saying that that was their greatest work.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Wendy
EMAIL: wendy@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 66.215.116.209
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/wendy
DATE: 08/26/2003 11:42:55 PM
Did I ever tell you that I love you?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/27/2003 01:20:45 PM
GAH! That crap is so unbelievably...bland...it makes my brain hurt. You should see me right now--I'm literally twitching and making "ack ack" noises.

It's like, you know those people (picture: short, fat, balding white man) who are so hideously inane that you can't spend more than two seconds talking to them without wanting to flip out and kill? That's totally Jish.

(I'm sorry, I just have a very violent reaction to smirking retards. HULK SMASH!!!!)

☄

For Your Convenience...

A day | 08.26.03 | 07:08:26 AM

I put the After Hours links back on my page and on the Quick Links menu. Why? Because fuck everyone is why!

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL:
DATE: 08/26/2003 08:40:47 AM
I think a nice form letter saying "No, you can't" would be a helpful thing, too!

Bonus points :>

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.201.178
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 08/26/2003 10:04:44 AM
Ooh...I see a Cowblog link up there too! :-D *happy dance*

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 08/26/2003 12:45:26 PM
Good for you!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: hannah
EMAIL: hannahw@med.umich.edu
IP: 141.214.129.70
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/misshannah
DATE: 08/26/2003 02:07:09 PM
AMEN, BROTHER B!

I'm glad you did, it took me a day to figure out how to find it after the links disappeared. And 'til today to think to bookmark it. Maybe you'll save some other poor sap all that hard thinkin'.

-----
COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Angela
EMAIL: ienjoyfarting@yahoo.com
IP: 65.117.192.66
URL: http://theshakedown.diaryland.com
DATE: 08/26/2003 02:24:23 PM
haha! I keep forgetting about this damn thing.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.1
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/26/2003 02:54:01 PM
See, that's the thing, it's even a pain in the ass for me to find this place.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jeff
EMAIL: tambrnman@hotmail.com
IP: 68.69.20.166
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/intersensei
DATE: 08/26/2003 05:45:08 PM
thank you! I had completely lost this page until now.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: SpyWhoLovedYou@aol.com
IP: 209.36.27.8
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 08/26/2003 05:46:48 PM
Ha! I thought I was the only one!

☄

The Blog Not Posted

A day | 08.27.03 | 05:37:40 AM

You guys don't know what you missed.

I was all ready to crank out Webloggers I Consider Complete Tools #2. It was going to be vicious. Heartless. Merciless.

The weblogger in question is quite possibly the most contemptible, pathetic excuse for a sentient organism in my corner of the weblog community. So in his dishonor I had composed a symphony of hate...soaring arpeggios of disdain...an oratorio of execration so pure and uncompromising in its contempt that Satan himself would have used it to torment the souls of the damned!

Then I wimped out, because a couple of you guys know this person, and I don't want to create a lot of bad kibun in this forum. B is a man of peace, not a sower of strife.

Know, however, that you have a serpent in your midst. A grotesque, craven, dickless serpent. God, what a miserable shitbrick..."tool" is not a strong enough word, really....

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Keely St. Clair
EMAIL: SpyWhoLovedYou@aol.com
IP: 209.36.27.8
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/keely
DATE: 08/27/2003 06:13:33 AM
What you need is a third blog, accessible only to those of us who don't know this person...

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.7
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/27/2003 06:26:19 AM
Shhh...nobody's supposed to know about that but the super-duper-exclusive club.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.164.111.96
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 08/27/2003 07:05:12 AM
If you knew how much inexplicable joy I got out of reading you rail on Jish... I might seem nice, but sometimes I fantasize about creating a blog just to rip on the bloggers I can't stand.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.7
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/27/2003 07:15:22 AM
I know what you mean. I'm thinking of switching to an "all blogger-bash all the time" format.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Wendy
EMAIL: wendy@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 66.215.116.209
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/wendy
DATE: 08/27/2003 07:44:26 AM
I had the same idea, a "how not to" blog, per se.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rengirl
EMAIL: imac@pixelsensei.com
IP: 12.22.65.5
URL:
DATE: 08/27/2003 09:30:51 AM
Forget the kibun! What about the schadenfreude?!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL:
DATE: 08/27/2003 10:04:19 AM
Hmm -- I picture a secret cabal that reviews blogs and websites, gives individual and overall ratings, and is published without any of the "judges" being reviealed. The cabal starts small, engenders tons of controversy and stands firm behind the motto "Hey, it's just our opinion." Pretty soon the cabal can make or break a weblog. The blogosphere trembles before them. They become immensly powerful, codifying and dictating the A- and B-lists. Other bloggers go to great lengths to 1) revenge themselves 2) ingratiate themselves 3) hunt down the individual but highly secretive cabal members. Eventually counter cabals arise to attempt to usurp the power or as protests. War rages.

And one day, the cabal just dissappears. The site, the reviews, everything about it simply vanishes. The world is mystified. Books are written about the rise and fall of the blogjudge cabal...there are movie deals discussed.

Oh waitaminute...sorry, got carried away there... :>

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/27/2003 10:14:28 AM
I find myself reading something for a few weeks that I initially enjoyed, but then I fall into this annoyed hatred of it. I don't know how else to describe it. Like, if you meet a guy that seems nice at work or something, by the time you've had six conversations with him you're ready to punch him in the neck.

You should tell us, B; I can learn to hate him.

I can learn to hate most anyone.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 204.87.171.4
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 08/27/2003 10:17:22 AM
Or you could email it to people individually who request it (like me). :-)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Kate
EMAIL: dymphna@dymphna.net
IP: 62.254.0.38
URL: http://www.digitalcandy.net/~katemonkey/
DATE: 08/27/2003 11:27:47 AM
wuss.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: hannah
EMAIL: hannahw@med.umich.edu
IP: 141.214.129.70
URL: http://www.livejournal.com/users/misshannah
DATE: 08/27/2003 12:50:05 PM
Can you say what his name rhymes with?

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/27/2003 01:26:41 PM
Oh come on, dude, now I just have to know. It's like you're putting a label that says "Do Not Press This Button" on the big shiny button that deploys TEH BOMB.

Sow some strife, goddammit!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Xkot
EMAIL: xkot@xkot.net
IP: 68.154.226.90
URL: http://www.xkot.net
DATE: 08/27/2003 04:13:41 PM
What would be really cool is if you bashed the blogs of all the people you invited to read this.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Sherri
EMAIL: Sylkenvelvet@yahoo.com
IP: 68.59.165.165
URL:
DATE: 08/27/2003 06:16:51 PM
xkot, that is such an evil thought ;> Bash each, leave out the names, and let us argue about who is who...talk about sowing strife!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.190.8.221
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 08/27/2003 07:05:32 PM
Oh...I sooo want to read that.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Wendy
EMAIL: wendy@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 24.205.251.238
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/wendy
DATE: 08/27/2003 09:58:04 PM
It's like an angry mob in here now... everyone's so worked up. Let's go out and find some half-assed blogs and BURN 'EM!!!

-----

COMMENT: AUTHOR: bakiwop
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 68.117.20.27
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 08/28/2003 03:14:20 AM
burn! burn! burn! burn!

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 08/28/2003 11:35:42 AM
I've got my pitchfork and my mob mentality all ready to go! ;-)

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/28/2003 08:14:43 PM
Also: B, if, in the grand tradition of clever self-deprication, you are actually referring to you, I am so going to beat you up.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/28/2003 08:15:08 PM
Also: B, if, in the grand tradition of clever self-deprication, you are actually referring to you, I am so going to beat you up.

-----

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/28/2003 08:16:58 PM
Fuck. Double-post. This only emphasizes the fact that I will put such a hurtin' on you for pulling something cheap like that.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: BOB
EMAIL: bob@agirlnamedbob.com
IP: 172.167.90.227
URL: http://www.agirlnamedbob.com
DATE: 08/28/2003 11:52:16 PM
I'm with Wendy! BURN 'EM ALL! DIE! DIE! DIE!

Did you know...

*That bad blogs are the reason you can't get a job?

*That bad blogs are the reason there is war in the Middle East?

*That bad blogs want to rape your wives and daughters?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 08/29/2003 05:51:32 AM
Dude, you know what you are?

Why, you're nothing but a ...

RANT TEASE!

Yeah, I said it!

Get us all worked up with your talk about how good it COULD be, and subtly hint that we might be able to talk you into it, if we only say the right things. When all the while, you have no intention of putting out!

Rant tease!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 63.191.96.167
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 08/29/2003 10:35:04 AM
You could remedy this by selectively e-mailing the rant. Or, by eating cookies. I'm not sure how that would work, it just seems like a good idea.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/29/2003 01:37:02 PM
LOL!!

Mary.

"Rant Tease!"

HA! I love that!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/29/2003 02:28:03 PM
I'm likin' the "cookies" part. Maybe if you made a really big cookie, and then wrote the rant on it in frosting and mailed it to me. mmm...cookie.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Matthew
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 68.117.20.27
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 08/29/2003 04:13:34 PM
i think he's just being silly and trying to see how many posts he can generate in the comments area now.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.13
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/29/2003 05:13:19 PM
You guys are on such a roll, I don't want to interrupt. Please continue!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.13
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/29/2003 05:32:01 PM
Also, I am totally going with Xkot's idea about bashing the people I invited to read this. Ha ha!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 08/29/2003 11:36:02 PM
30th post!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/30/2003 04:55:14 PM
31st post!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Susan
EMAIL: susan@flowerhead.com
IP: 65.178.209.159
URL: http://flowerhead.com
DATE: 08/31/2003 10:58:30 AM
32nd!

Dickless. Heeheehee!

☄

Oh, the Things I Know!

A day | 08.29.03 | 05:58:07 PM

In keeping with the theme of mysteriously alluding to information that is never actually revealed in the entry, have you guys ever stumbled across a piece of information that you're dying to talk about, but can't because you let it out of the bag it would spoil everything? Like a great unknown restaurant or vacation spot or super-secret URL? Is that the most painful dilemma this side of "who would you save from drowning, your spouse or your child" or what?

- - - Comments - - -

COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Suzette
EMAIL: SuzetteTraveler@yahoo.com
IP: 209.210.95.7
URL: http://weirdsmobile.com/suzette
DATE: 08/29/2003 06:25:01 PM
Mostly, I stick to common gossip. Here is my method:

First, I sigh and say something along the lines of "I don't really want to know the details of people's lives." Then I mention a name. I continue to say that I think so much less of that person ever since I found out X X X. Again I state that I do not wish to know such information.

This way, if anyone else gets the reputation for being loose-lipped, I can still claim that I can't stand gossip and think so much less of (insert name).

Beauty.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: dvl
EMAIL: dvloranger@aol.com
IP: 66.237.70.170
URL:
DATE: 08/29/2003 06:26:32 PM
I cannot answer the question because doing so would give you what you want... this is give and take, baby... you fess up first.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.13
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/29/2003 06:40:57 PM
Suzette: I love that passive-aggressive shit!

dvl: I'll tell if you tell!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: matthew
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 68.117.20.27
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 08/29/2003 07:13:50 PM
i usually end up giving out all the details except that one piece of information, like the name of the person, that would totally make it seem like i was gossiping.

as an example: i know this one weblogger who has started to be slightly mysterious in his posts on his one site, but hasn't posted anything on his other site for a day or two or three and he seems to have kicked out all the male bloggers of the site he runs while recruiting more female bloggers and isn't that a little harem-like? and even though he's a really funny blogger the fact that he hasn't posted for a bit and that he has all these women around makes me think...well...you know and...

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Jim
EMAIL: chaos@corrupt.net
IP: 12.212.207.245
URL: http://chaos.corrupt.net
DATE: 08/29/2003 11:39:45 PM
So you're saying we should write a bot that hits random urls on weirdsmoble.com until we find the secret treasure?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/30/2003 09:22:58 AM
Who would save their spouse??? Come on.

And now I'm just plain getting annoyed.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: estella
EMAIL: floatdrownswim@hotmail.com
IP: 68.99.210.225
URL: http://outofcharacter.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/30/2003 01:03:56 PM
Wait... who would save their kid?

You're right. That is a toughie.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.10
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/30/2003 01:09:03 PM
'S what I'm saying!

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: B²
EMAIL: b@weirdsmobile.com
IP: 65.45.150.10
URL: http://www.weirdsmobile.com/b/
DATE: 08/30/2003 01:11:02 PM
Matthew: and? Yeah? Just what are you implying, sirrah?

Did I just say "sirrah"? How gay is that?

Not that there's anything wrong with that. Being gay, that is. Saying "sirrah" however is just gay.

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Rachel
EMAIL: angrypixel@hotmail.com
IP: 24.247.173.41
URL: http://roninneko.blogspot.com
DATE: 08/30/2003 04:54:09 PM
You're right, "sirrah" is totally gay.

Along that line, I have Queer Eye for the Straight Guy to thank for expanding my vocabulary of Totally Gay Words, so here's a shout-out to my homie Carson Kressley for "couture" (technically the work of my homies the French, but not if you say it co-TOOOOOUURe) and "zhuzhing."

And B: Unless you have a highly developed death wish, you will be stopping this "I am spooky and mysterious" shit soon, yes?

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: Mary
EMAIL: mary@rantorama.com
IP: 12.254.95.0
URL: http://www.rantorama.com
DATE: 08/31/2003 07:39:27 AM
If left to choose between saving my spouse or my kid ...

I'd save my beer.

May as well save the one thing that isn't imaginary! ;-)

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COMMENT:
AUTHOR: matthew
EMAIL: bino1@hotmail.com
IP: 68.117.20.27
URL: http://bakiwop.f2o.org
DATE: 08/31/2003 08:39:47 AM
i imply nothing! nothing, i say, nothing! i just lay the facts out for all to see...mwuhahahaha